Dr. Jill Biden: The Hardest Moments No One Saw (The Untold Story of the White House Years)

25:13Jay Shetty:And then you have this global loss and global pain that you're also connected to and managing and visiting. And as you said, as a teacher going to schools and what did you do? What do you turn to in those moments? I can compartmentalize. So if I'm in the classroom, I am totally 100 % in the classroom at that point. Or if I'm doing something at the White House, whatever that is, I'm totally there. And with my kids, they get my total attention. So I think that's really helpful that if I can keep doing that, it's not always easy every day. Sometimes it bleeds into the, you know, whatever you're doing because you have something in the back of your mind that you're trying to deal with.

25:58I think that skill has helped me most of all.

26:01Jay Shetty:Presence. Yeah. Actually being there. Yeah. Being present.

26:21Jay Shetty:I think most people feel this way. If you looked at your schedule for the next week or month or year, you'd be so overwhelmed by it. And so I was saying to someone, I can only live in 24-hour cycles because then I can deal with what's today. I can deal with what's happening right now. I can make decisions for the future that are better, that feel right today, and then I can deal with tomorrow. But if you ask me what's happening in three months - No, I agree with that. It gets really overwhelming to start living in these long-term cycles of like, Like, oh, what have you got going in six months?

26:50Jay Shetty:It's like, I don't know. I don't want to know. Yeah, I don't want to know. Just live right now. Just let me get through today. Yeah, yeah. And that presence, to hear that that's what you needed and to compartmentalize and to just be present as a teacher, to just be present as a mother, to just be present as a first lady. What did it feel like when President Biden finally won? Like, what did that moment feel like? Oh, my God. It was so exciting. And if you remember, there was like a week before we were declared the winner. every day the TVs were on. Steve Kornacki was up there with all his statistics.

27:23And I thought, you know, does that man never sleep?

27:25Jay Shetty:I mean, he was getting on my nerves so badly. And so one morning, Joe and I just like, we're like, oh my God, we've got to get out of the house. So we live on a man-made lake and it has a dock. So we went down to the dock. We had our coffee cups and we had just really sat down for a couple of minutes. And then like all of a sudden, our grandkids came running out of the house screaming, we won, we won. And then we quick came back into the house. And I mean, it was just amazing. It was just so amazing and exciting. And it was surreal. Did it feel like a long time coming, having had all those runs before and having people sit.

28:11Jay Shetty:Yeah, it did. It did. And I didn't expect Joe to become, you know, after VP, I thought we were finished. So we had those years in between, I think four years. I was commuting to Nova, my college where I worked from Delaware, because I love Nova so much and, you know, becoming involved in other things. So to think about getting back into this lifestyle and what would mean. And it was challenging, but it was good. I have really good memories of that. What's the greatest thing you've learned by being a teacher? I think the greatest gift that I can give my students is confidence. They don't need to know how to write the paragraph or the topic sentence or whatever it is.

28:53If I can give them the confidence to think that they can write it, that makes all the difference. And the first day of school, I say to my students, or I would, this was the first day assignment. I said, we're going to write a poem today. And they're like, oh my God, what do you mean? We're not writing a poem. And I said, yes, you are. We're writing a poem today and you're going to like it. So it's called Where I'm From. We would read George Ella Lyon's poem and then, and they liked that. And then I would start using my own examples where I'm from. So my grandparents on my father's side were Italian.

29:32And I would talk about the, you know, the sauce bubbling on the stove and the noodles drying in the kitchen. And food is such a good place to start. So they would start to think about it. And I'd read poems from other classes that students wrote. And then they would kind of get excited. And so the next class they would come in and they would write their own poems. And then they were a little bit shy. but then I'd say, okay, who wants to read a poem? Well, maybe I'd have to call in the first person, but then once you break the ice, they were great. So then they'd start to read and they'd say, I'm from Peru too.

30:08Listen to my poem. My grandma made that too. The class would instantly bond. They would form community and, you know, they were community college students. So that meant they were any age from like 18 to 83 was my oldest student I ever had. But they said, Dr. B, can we put our poems on the wall? And I said, yeah, that's a great idea. I loved that they were so proud of themselves that they could write a poem. And even the kids who had never written a poem before, they felt such pride. So if you can give them confidence, I think that's the most important thing a teacher can do.

30:51Jay Shetty:I couldn't agree with you more. You're making me think of so many of my teachers who... You have a favorite teacher? Yeah, definitely. Who doesn't? I feel like you remember them. I have two, one from primary school, elementary school, and one from high school. And so my one from primary school is called Mr. Foxwell, who just had that energy. He made every class fun. He gave you so much confidence. You walked in feeling like a million bucks. And then I had a high school teacher named Mr. Buckridge who made me question. I was older then. So he had the ability to challenge me a bit more, but he would always, he was my art teacher and I loved art.

31:24Jay Shetty:It was one of my favorite subjects. All the kids love art. English, not so much. English was one of my favorite subjects too, but art was right up there. And I remember I'd make this thing look beautiful. I couldn't paint or draw, but I did a lot of collage. I did a lot of graphical and I'd make everything look perfect. And then he'd look at it and he'd say to me, why did you do that? And I wouldn't have an answer just because it looked good. And I didn't want to say that to him because I knew he wanted a deeper answer, but I didn't have a deeper answer. So I'd say I did it because it looked good.

31:56Jay Shetty:And he said, well, figure out why you did it better than aesthetics. And it was such a great - Made you think, right? Made you think. He would always ask me why. Why is that color next to that color? Why is that image next to that image? Why did you put that word there? And it was such a beautiful practice and intentionality going back to that point. And look where it led you, right? I mean, it's right what you're doing now, questioning, you know, why you put one color next to the other. Yeah, for sure. It was just a simple question that just planted that seed of nothing should be just random and just for aesthetic reasons or just because it looks or sounds good.

32:30Jay Shetty:Things have to have depth and they have to have a quality. And I owe those teachers so much. I wouldn't be nearly where I am in life or mentally at those times if I didn't have them. And it sounds like your students, do you still keep in touch with any students? Oh my gosh, yes. I keep in touch with a lot of my students. What are the kinds of things that you hear from them and what are the exchanges? They're doing well. It's amazing how many students I run into. And even last night in Philadelphia at my book talk, you know, students came and in my Washington one, a lot of my Nova students came.

33:05And yeah, they text with me and they tell me what's going on. And I mentor a lot of young women and I love being able to be a part of their lives, give them advice, hear their stories and give them confidence.

33:21Jay Shetty:What do you think young women right now in America need to hear most? We lost some steps in the last two or three years and I think we need to get back on track for the things that women have always fought for and that's, you know, equality, Roe v. Wade, equal wages. You know, I'm so interested in women's health. And I joined the Milk and Women's Health Network because I found out that before 1993, all the research was done on males. Even the mice were males, which is unbelievable. So consequently, everything that all the diagnosis we got, all the prescriptions are based on males' bodies. So, you know, I think that women really need to fight for themselves and fight for answers on osteoporosis, endometriosis, menopause, wherever we're going.

34:19I mean, heart disease, there's so many things. Autoimmune diseases, you know, some disease hits women more than men. And why? What are the differences? So I think that young women are trying to find their way where they fit in, but I think they can't be complacent. They have to keep fighting for themselves.

34:41Jay Shetty:I'm trying to remember the exact statistic and I'll get it wrong right now, but I remember that there was research done on how only 1 % of investment went into women's medical research and health research to actually understand what was happening in women's health. and that boggles my mind. I know. And when I heard that, I mean, I told Joe about it and he said, we're going to change it. And that's why we had the White House Initiative on Women's Health and put$1 billion in in one year. And I'm so proud of that because I felt that that was the catalyst. People had been working on women's health for years, but I think that spurred this movement forward to investors to get, you know, venture capitalists to invest and people, scientists to do research.

35:29It feels good. It feels good for women's health right now.

35:34Jay Shetty:Yeah, heading in the right direction. Lots more to do, but at least on the right path. I think we have clarity and our eyes are pointing in the right direction. Now we have to get our footsteps Oh, I'm glad you recognize that. Thank you. Yeah, we've been talking a lot about it. Our audience is primarily women. And we've been talking about everything that you just mentioned, women's health topics, consistently on the show, because we think people aren't getting access to this information in that many places. Yeah, and we need so much more preventative care. Yes. I was reading recently how young women now are getting back into tanning beds, and I'm like, what are they thinking?

36:08I mean, they're so bad for you. And I know myself since I, I mean, I sat out in the sun, we all did back then. They need to learn about prevention and how to take care of themselves and use sunscreen and not to smoke. and we have to eat healthy, not processed foods. I mean, there's so many parts of prevention and I've had skin cancer myself. I had it in the White House actually, removed from my eyelid and my chest and I know how traumatic it was for me. So for the young women to have the chance to really take control of their own health and move forward in a really positive, healthy way is so important.

36:51And so that's kind of what I'm out there pushing.

36:55Jay Shetty:I feel like this book is so raw and vulnerable. It's so real when you're reading it. Like it's like a look into your heart. It really invites you in. It really lets you into these really difficult moments. And the one that stood out to me was reading about your experience of the 2024 debate. And you talk about this raw fear that you experienced. What was going through your mind as you're watching the debate in 2024? I was in the green room and just watching the TV like everybody else. And when I saw that moment, when Joe kind of froze, I thought, oh my God. And I write this in my book. It was like, is he having a stroke?

37:34And I was scared to death. I was sitting, I got up, I started pacing, like what's happening, what's happening. So then after the debate, I went out on the stage right away because I wanted to see him, you know, face to face. And he said, as we're walking off, and I won't repeat the exact words, but he said, I really effed up, didn't I? And I said, yeah, Joe, you did. And then we went, got off the stage. I went to the green room to get my stuff. We had a group of doctors, always traveled with Joe. And he went with his staff and the doctors and the doctor said to me, he's okay. He's okay. Because we had three more events to do that night.

38:12So we went to the hotel ballroom with supporters. We went to a Waffle House. Do you know what that is? Yeah, you do? Yeah, I know. I'm from the Northeast, so like Waffle House, what are you talking about? So anyway, we go to the Waffle House at whatever time it was, 11. And then we went to North Carolina, three o 'clock in the morning. We get off the plane. There's a band. There's big lights. There's hundreds of supporters. You know, they're chanting. And I thought, well, okay, you know, we're going to keep going. And we did until we didn't.

38:47Jay Shetty:What was it then? What did you, had you seen him that way before? Had you had that? Never, never. When President Biden finally stepped down and you said, you wrote in your book, he said, Jilly, I had no choice. Yeah. What was your reaction then from that debate to that moment? I was really heartbroken for Joe because he had been a public servant for over 50 years and for his career to end on such a negative note. I was heartbroken for him. When he got out, I mean, people were saying he was a hero for stepping down, for giving up everything and sort of passing the torch. But I felt really sad for him.

39:38You know, when you love somebody and they go through something like that, you feel their pain. I mean, you just, you know, you can't help but be heartbroken.

39:48Jay Shetty:Did he wish he'd done it earlier or did he feel that was the right time? I don't know that he wished he had done it earlier. It just sort of unfolded. You know, he lost the support of the Democratic Party and he knew he couldn't go on. So he did the right thing he stepped down i can't imagine how hard it is to to dedicate your life to your country and your people and then yeah that be the way to go out you know we we see it in in places where there are no stakes like when a when a coach of a sports team leaves and they they were losing and they didn't win the championship and it's like okay whatever like that that's people make that out to be really really sad and difficult yeah yeah and And so to compare it to these stakes and this scale and this responsibility and dedication feels like such a hard thing to do.

40:39Jay Shetty:And I can imagine he really needed you then because, like you said, you were sad for him. But I can't imagine how sad he was for himself and what he'd done. And so he probably relied on you a lot. You know, after 49 years of marriage, yeah, he does. We rely on each other. And I believe in the book you were talking about how you were slightly upset about Kamala Harris looking for an endorsement and support almost immediately. Well, I was just upset. I was just plain upset. It just became sort of overwhelming, you know, but I got right out there for Kamala and I was on the campaign trail a lot. And I saw the excitement and the excitement at the convention and on the trail when I was out there working for her, campaigning for her.

41:27And I honestly believe she was going to win. And I was actually shocked. I write in my book, it was like the next morning I was, you know, went into the kitchen at the White House. I was making coffee, feeding Willow and my phone rang and I just had thought she had won. And someone called me and said, did you see the news? And at that, they didn't even have to tell me the news. I knew. And I ran into the bedroom and I said, Joe, wake up. You know, it was like five in the morning. Wake up. Why didn't you tell me? He said, yeah, she lost. Did you feel she was going to win?

42:03Jay Shetty:I'll give you my honest answer. I spend a lot of time on TikTok. And for anyone who spends a lot of time on TikTok, it was pretty clear she wouldn't win. Oh, really? That was my take. Yeah. So that's where I should go the next time. Yeah. I'm looking at a candidate and what the hell they're doing. Literally. Go on TikTok. I was going on TikTok. Yeah. I was living the campaign through on TikTok. And it's more of a sense you got from seeing the level of support that the opposition had. But her crowds were so big and the energy. I mean, you saw it after the convention. I don't know. The people are going to go and vote.

42:38Jay Shetty:It's almost like the people online who vote and the scale at which the support was there for President Trump was pretty crazy. It was like, it was insane to look at actually in the buildup even. And I was like, wow, this is big like you just see posts that just had an insane amount of likes and comments and engagement that was all pro yeah pro trump and i wasn't yeah you know monitoring that i was monitoring the crowds and and their response and um and i guess that was my barometer yeah of course of course no and and and that's what's so interesting is that i think politics has been completely transformed by social media absolutely and the impact of all of these apps and how followings are galvanized, how messaging is coming across.

43:23Jay Shetty:I mean, with most of, you know, millennial and Gen Z generations getting their news through social media, it's, you know, it's starting to become such a pivotal place and such a scary place for all of this as well. I was going to say, like, how are these young people supposed to tell what's true and not true? Like, that's what worries me. You can't, especially now. I mean, you add AI into the mix in social media, You have no idea what's real. And it's really hard because there's no controls on what's real and what's not real. It's not marked. You don't know. So do you think there should be government regulation?

43:57Jay Shetty:I think there needs to be for news for sure. But I don't know how you control that because everyone's a news corp at this point. And so how do you actually even control something like that when anyone anywhere in the world can upload something and it looks real and it looks like it makes sense. I can't imagine it to be easy. And you don't want a sense of free speech. Yeah, it's a very, very fine balance. I don't know how you do it. Yeah. I looked up something on the January 6th insurrection. It was all positive. And I was like, what? And I said, can you give me the truth about this? Because they painted such a rosy picture of what happened.

44:36And we saw what happened. I mean, we watched it on the TV. We saw them smashing the windows of the Capitol, but they put such a positive spin on it. I thought, where were they getting, drawing the information or who was controlling?

44:49Jay Shetty:Was that an AI search or a Google search? It was on ChatGPT. Oh, wow. So look it up and see what... I will take a look. Yeah, I'm going to do that as soon as we finish this. I was going to say, obviously, I had the fortune of interviewing yourself and President Biden just a month ago at History Talks, and the president was in such good spirits. I mean, we spent time backstage. He was wonderful as always. We had a great conversation together. We went on stage. He felt so well. How is he? How is he doing? He's doing okay. He does have stage four cancer. It has metastasized to his bones. He will forever have cancer.

45:29He will forever be on medicine. And he's 83. So you put that mix in. So yes, he's still working. He's writing his book. He's traveling. He's speaking. But he's a little more tired. uh i've seen him slow down i mean cancer really takes a toll and i think um every family in america has someone in their family with cancer whatever form it takes and um and i think it's it's really been like kind of a cruel blow it's the worst it's the worst if anyone's lost anyone

46:12Jay Shetty:that they love through cancer, which I have, it's the worst. It's terrible to watch. And as you said, it's long-term, it's not going anywhere. Yeah, I was shocked at how amazingly present he was, knowing those truths. Yeah, he's strong. He's strong, he's resilient, and it's just so unfortunate. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through that. Yeah, I can't imagine on top of everything else how painful that is. everybody's trying to do their part in helping. And, you know, like my Naomi is, our oldest grandchild said, Nana, I want to come and, you know, bring my son, Willie and stay with you for a month and, you know, help you out.

46:58And I mean, just, it's just been a really nice thing.

47:18Jay Shetty:I wanted to go back to the opening line of the book where you say, once you lose a child, nothing can hurt you. And I thought, wow, that's a really emphatic way to begin a book. Why was it important to start there? After we lost Beau, I felt there could be nothing worse in life than to lose a child. I didn't believe Beau was going to die. I just kept praying and praying and praying, and I just felt like God would never take him. With glioblastoma, which is what Bo had, we tried everything. I mean, every, every trial, every medicine, operations, and the doctors kept saying, this could turn around any moment.

48:01This could turn around. This could turn around. And I remember how sick he was getting and all the things he was going through. And it was so horrible to watch. And I can remember the day he died that morning, the doctors called us into the room in Walter Reed and they said, things are getting pretty bad, but this could turn around. I breathed this sigh of relief, like, okay, he could live. He really could live. And we walked out, there were about eight docs and we took a couple steps outside the room and one of the doctors turned around and said, stop. And looked at the doctors and said, tell the Bidens the truth.

48:48Go back in that room and tell the Bidens the truth. And we went back in and they said, we think Bo's going to die today. Honestly, I don't think there's anything worse. After going through that, my family really spiraled. I mean, it was just so hard on everybody. And so I think once we went through that, like anything anybody said against Joe or did, or no matter how mean it got or cruel, it was like, buddy, you can't touch us. I mean, we're just, we're resilient. There can't be anything worse than losing Beau. And I still feel that way.

49:38Jay Shetty:I've heard the president say that. You never met Beau, right? I never did. No, no, no. I thought you may have. No, I wish I did. I wish I did. You would have loved him. The way you both speak. Yeah, the way you both speak about him. And I've heard President Biden say that, you know, he should have been president. Yes. That's what his dream was. I mean, that's kind of what we thought, you know, that it wasn't going to be Joe, it was going to be Beau. Beau is just, I mean, he's all the best parts of Joe. How do you even begin to live with that level of grief? One day at a time. I know it sounds so cliche, but there were days when, you know, I just couldn't kind of, I felt like I couldn't get through the day.

50:17But I'm telling you, the amount of kindness that people showed toward us, like people didn't give up. It wasn't like they said, I'm sorry you lost your son. It was like every day sending me a text, dropping something by the front door every day, every week. And not just like for that moment, that week of the funeral. My true friends kept it up for months and months and months because you never get over it ever. I mean, to this day, when I wake up, I mean, the first thing I do is say a prayer for Bo. and I always say you never know what's behind someone's smile. Even during Bo's illness, I was teaching full-time at Nova and I think maybe one teacher knew what I was going through, one of my friends, but no one else because I would sometimes go to the hospital early in the morning and then teach and then go to the hospital.

51:21Joe was working every day as vice president. Very few people knew. And, you know, people said, oh, you kept it secret. You kept it secret. Well, they forget. I mean, he and Hallie had two children. We couldn't let this out and have my grandchildren hear this. I mean, they were already dealing with his illness. They saw him in the hospital every day. They saw him when he was home. We just couldn't have them hurt in that way. We just, it was too much. Too much for them as little children.

51:54Jay Shetty:I mean, on one side you have the grief of Beau and then you have, you know, dealing with the public scrutiny, especially around Hunter. And I wonder how do you, how do you navigate supporting a family member who's struggling with addiction? It was tough, Jay, because half the time we didn't know where he was. He would be going from rehab to rehab. Then we wouldn't hear from him for like a couple of weeks. And the kids, his daughters kept, where's daddy? Where's daddy? Have you heard from daddy? You know, we didn't know where he was or how to find him or he wasn't communicating with us. So I flew someone in to do an intervention with him.

52:33And it took a long time for me to even get him to come to the house. And as soon as he walked in, he saw what was going on. He ran out of the house and Joe ran after him and just held him. And we just had to, I don't know, love him through it. It's a disease. And I think I had to learn that myself because I said to Joe, you know, we've given him everything, Joe, everything. Why would he turn to drugs? But it is a disease. Now he's sober. Thank you, God. He's been sober for, I think, seven or eight years now. He's remarried. He has a beautiful little boy, Beau, and he's doing his art. He's helping people with recovery.

53:26For those who are listening, who are going through addiction, I don't have the answer, but you just have to keep at it. And it is one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do. And Joe, to see your child deal with addiction.

53:50Jay Shetty:I heard you say recently that you wish you had spoken more openly about his addiction during your time in the White House. Why was it hard then? And why is it important now? Well, I think so many families are dealing with it. Absolutely. I mean, people have to know that they're not alone. And there are answers and there is help and there is community support. I mean, I saw it all the time in my classroom as well. The kids who would come in that were high all the time, every single day. And I'd say, I want you to go talk to a counselor. No, Dr. B, I got this under control. And I said, no, you don't.

54:28you know, but just to try to get to them because they think they're invincible. They think they don't have a problem. They don't see what the world sees. And it was hard.

54:40Jay Shetty:It was really hard. I really appreciate you having those reflections. And it's so interesting how that's something at the time can feel really difficult to talk about. And then when you look at it from a different angle and perspective, you realize actually, yeah, there are so many families going through the same thing. People need to hear about other people's stories. They need to hear about how you can change your mind about something and what it really requires. And yeah, I thought it was really brave that you were able to, you know, reconnect and reflect and say, I regret that we didn't talk about it more.

55:12Jay Shetty:And I think there's a need. I think there's a need with all of this. As you said, it's a disease and there are so many other addictions, mental health conditions that I think we're just starting to understand. And I love that Hunter now is helping other people in recovery. Jill, it's been really a gift to read your book, to sit with you today. Oh, thank you. Don't take dishonor for granted at all. Like it's so meaningful to sit with someone who's lived such a real yet incredible and phenomenal and phenomenally difficult life in so many ways and joyous, of course. We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.

55:48Jay Shetty:These questions have to be answered in one word. In one word. No, no, no. I'll give you one sentence. One sentence. One sentence. These questions have to be answered in one sentence. Okay. However, I will usually ignore my own rule and ask you for more. Okay. But Dr. Jill Biden, these are your final five. Okay, here are my final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? My best advice was probably from my mother, know thyself. Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? The worst advice? God, I don't know. So can I pass on that one?

56:24The worst advice, I don't know.

56:26Jay Shetty:What's something that gives you hope for the future? You know, I love in the women's health space, all these young researchers that I'm meeting and seeing what they're doing because I'm the other half of the brain, you know, language arts and literature, but they're science. And to sort of step into their world and see what they're able to do and discover and how they can help other people and how they're trying to cure these rare diseases. That really gives me hope because I feel like we're moving in the right direction in women's health. And I love the direction of women's sports. I mean, we've waited, you know, I'm a girl from the 60s.

57:06So we've waited so long with, you know, Title IX and to see women's sports getting their due. That gives me hope. And the midterms, I feel like, you know, I feel like the Democrats are going to maybe turn the corner and do well in them. There's so much that gives me hope. And it's so great that, I don't know, my grandchildren are all in their 20s and early 30s. And to see their interests and what their interests, I mean, I just see what young people are interested in these days. And they seem to be moving forward in a really positive way and not focusing on the negativity or the vitriol, like they're rejecting that.

57:51And they're saying, we're going to take this in a different direction and look at our passions and find joy. And that's what gives me hope.

57:58Jay Shetty:Question number four, what's something you used to value when you were younger, but you don't value anymore? I don't know. I look for the positive anymore. I look for the joy. You know, like you said, I just had a birthday. I'm 75. As I like to tell my daughter that she hasty here. I'm like, girl, I'm in my final quarter and I'm going, you know, I want it to be joyous. I don't want to focus on the negative. Fifth and final question we ask is to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? Be kind. Because you don't know what anyone's going through.

58:34Jay Shetty:Yeah. As you said earlier, you don't know what's behind someone's smile. You never know. Dr. Jill Biden, thank you so much for your time, your presence, your energy. If there's anything I didn't ask you that you'd want to share that you're more than happy to hear, but thank you for your time, your presence, your energy. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly in this book. And I look forward to many, many of our audience and community reading it. Thank you. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama, where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing.

59:07Jay Shetty:If you're going through something right now with your partner this is the episode for you the world won't always like you but you can't count on the world to like you