Gabrielle Bernstein: The Simple 4-Step Method to Heal Anxiety, Stop Overthinking, and Stop People-Pleasing for Good

26:48What I really appreciate about it is that we're going back to being guided from within. Yes. And I feel that's somewhere where we've lost in society where it's constantly been what your parents thought, what your friends thought, what your family thinks, now what social media thinks. And we're so overexposed to everyone else's opinion. and it's so common for us to ask questions about what we should do with our life in the group chat, you know, trying to get someone else's opinion to give us the answer. And I think we've lost the ability to understand that all of the answers are right there within if we were simply to sit with ourselves.

27:29Your body will tell you, your heart will tell you, your mind will tell you. And this practice really allows you to do that again. So it's not like here's a fix it all situation. It will tell you something different every time. when someone does it for the first time, how can they do it in a way that they have an experience where they get a taste that it's real? Because I think when we hear these things, and do you know what the truth is today? I've been thinking about this a lot and you're the right person to ask this because you've shared so many great pieces of advice over the years. I feel everyone knows what they have to do, but we don't actually do it properly.

28:06And so we never have the qualitative experience that convinces us we should keep doing it. Whereas when you've had that qualitative experience, whether it's an amazing meditation, whether it's the four-step practice, once you've had that qualitative experience and you've felt the impact, you'll do it again and again and again. But the first time, how can someone really lock in the first time they do this? Self begets more self. So the first way to step in is to look at your life and ask yourself, is this what I want? Is this it? I think that those are really magic words. Is this it? Is this all I've got here?

28:46I want more than this. Even just saying, I want to change. I want more. Everyone listening is in some way, shape, or form wanting some aspect of change. And that desire is there. And that desire wouldn't be planted in your heart if it wasn't ready to come forth, if it wasn't ready to be birthed. So I think that that's the responsibility that we have to give ourselves is to ask ourselves, this is our, that beautiful Mary Oliver quote, this is our one simple life, I'm botching it, but this is this one beautiful life that we have. And am I going to take it to the max? Am I going to live to the highest and the best?

29:28And that's one question, And that's one place to come to this. Or the other place is that there may be people listening that are hitting a massive bottom in their life. And for those folks, Jay, it's going to be a lot easier to pick up this book and start. A lot easier. Because when we are, there's that beautiful Rumi quote, the wound is the place where the light enters you. I love that one. When you are in that moment of hitting some kind of bottom, or you're having that addiction come to an end or you're in the divorce or you're having a crisis at work or you've lost the job or you've gotten the diagnosis, those are the moments when the light enters you.

30:06So the question you want to ask yourself is, am I willing to do whatever it takes to get to great? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to feel great? And that's the path I've been on. I've been on, I want to get to great. I've lived through a lot of different difficult experiences as all of us have. And I've just been on a pursuit of feeling great. This is, and there's this interesting thing that I heard in a 12-step meeting early in my recovery was if they want what you, if you want what they have, do what they do. So sometimes that's just enough to be listening and be like, well, Jay and Roddy did that, you know, or, you know, if you want what they have, do what they do.

30:46There's a reason that somebody is in, and when I say what they have, I don't mean the external things. I mean the inner peace. If you want what they have, do what they do. And the thing that happens that you said that was also quite interesting is that why this is a spiritual practice is because when you start to reflect inside and start to tend to these protection mechanisms, these burdened parts, they start to feel seen. What does a child need? A child needs to be seen, soothed, loved, cared, common, compassionate energy. So it starts to feel like you have this internal parent inside. And you realize, as Dick Schwartz says, that you are the one you've been waiting for.

31:33That all of the external validation or love or connection or support, all that outside stuff that you've been seeking to find completion and safety is actually inside of you. And I know that's something people always say in spiritual, you'll really experience that with this. What's the balance, do you think, Gabby, of how much external validation and how much self-validation we need? Does external validation play any part in our ability to self-validate? Or do you believe it's a full self-validation process and external validation should be irrelevant at some point? I can really speak from my own experience.

32:16The more self I've accessed inside, the more self-connection I have to that inner parent, that inner wisdom, the less external validation I need. I don't need it. And I'm a human, so it's not like I... Honestly, Jay, I don't really think I need it. I don't feel like I'm grasping or looking or needing. And I think the other irony is that the more self that you have access to, the more self you attract. so the more calm connected compassionate energy you bring into your life so you do get that love and that connection because you are always receiving back what you are vibrating out yeah and so the more you access self the more you the more you become that point of attraction for more self in your life yeah no i love that answer because i've been talking to a lot of friends about that recently about this idea of if you have the power to self-validate and self to soothe and self-regulate and honor your hard work and intensity, then you won't crave it from others.

33:18And what I was explaining to someone was that anytime I've wanted someone to validate me externally, they can never fully satisfy my need for it because they haven't lived my life. And in the same way, I haven't lived theirs. So I can't validate them effectively either because I haven't been up with them on those sleepless nights. I haven't gone through the trauma that they've gone through. And so even if I'm to say, well done, you did great. That's amazing. It will still never fully satiate their desire for validation because as you just quoted, Dick Schwartz, that you're the one you've been waiting for.

34:00It's only when I sit with myself and I cry at the thought of everything I've been through and honor myself for every way I've showed up for myself, whether it's my body, my mind, my heart, or my soul, that's the only time when I'll actually be satisfied. And I've noticed that again and again. So I completely agree with you. The point isn't that I don't appreciate external validation, I do. The point isn't that I'm not inspired when I'm validated externally, I am. but the only type of validation that really really like affects me deep in my heart and my gut is when it's coming from me that's right because i have all the details i have the record books i have the files and the notes on every difficult moment i've been through just as you do for yourself we are the ones we've been waiting for it i had i had the experience just yesterday a really epic experience where I was, my son is a six and a half years old now.

34:58And so we belong to this really sweet lake club in our community in the countryside. And it's like 1950s and there's these docks and grills. And it's kind of like the dirtier your sweatpants are, the cooler you are there and clay tennis courts. And it's just really idyllic. And my kid's at the age now where he can just like run around and do his thing. And I'm not, and he's a great swimmer and I'm not stressed out about what's going on. So I'm like, go do you, man. And I'm sitting on the dock by myself. My husband was out for a drive. I'm sitting, I just played some tennis. I'm sitting on the dock.

35:32I've got this new book in my hand. I'm in my, you know, my red bathing suit. I've got my iced coffee next to me. It's like, like there's like, it's dirty all over the dock, but I didn't care. And I was just sitting there on this like cozy chair and I'm looking at the water and I had this incredible energy just pour through me. This energy that was just like, just spirit. It was spirit coming through. I mean, that's the way I would just define this. And it's just self-energy, just so connected, so in the moment, so present. There wasn't anything else that I was thinking about or trying to get to or trying to do.

36:08And it was just this moment of, whoa, this is what we've been training for, it just flood in. And that isn't a fleeting moment. That's how we can live our lives. We can live not all day, every day. We're going to be in self. We're going to get activated. We're going to get triggered. The best of us are going to get triggered. But the triggers become less, what was years would be days or minutes or five seconds. And we start to access more of that presence and that taste of that, that energy, that self-energy You want more of it. And also, I think that there's this thing I always call spiritual proof.

36:47When you have an experience of something where you say, oh my God, I just did that four-step thing and I actually feel a little bit calmer. And Gabby said, all I need is to be a little bit calmer. And then I've done the job. I've done this. If I even feel the slightest molecule of self, I've done the work. That experience of that molecule of self is something you crave. You want more of it. It's like going to the gym. You want more of it. Yeah. to keep practicing it. Yeah. One of the ways people experience a protector or a trigger is self-judgment and self-criticism or the inner critic. How do you even reconcile the fact that self-judgment is a protector in some way?

37:27Self-judgment is a huge protector. I actually wrote a book called Judgment Detox. Yeah, I remember. I was a little bit ahead of myself there because it's very much what this work is about. Judgment is a way of judging ourselves is definitely a protector because if there is something big, too uncomfortable to access, that's being activated, feelings of being inadequate, unlovable, we are going to do anything we can to numb that pain. So one, we're going to judge others so we don't have to feel the pain inside. Or two, we'll judge ourselves, start nitpicking and judging ourselves because it's easier to judge and attack ourselves than it is to feel the pain.

38:09And what happens with this beautiful practice is that as you start to tend inward, you recognize that you don't have to re-experience the pain. You can just be present with what the protector needs in that moment. And in that moment, it can just soften. And it's these moment by moment unburdenings of the pain of that that you've held onto for so long. So what do we do with the self-critic through this four-step practice? Great question. So you'd notice yourself in that self-critic or that attack or judgment, and you would have, again, you have to have enough space between the attack and the response to it.

38:50And sometimes it might not happen until the next day when you have a little bit of a judgment hangover or whatever it is, but you notice it. And you say, okay, you know what, I'm gonna check in. And so you'd check in with the judgment and you'd focus your attention towards that judgment inside. So instead of being in your head, you'd get into your, internally. And I like to close my eyes with this. I can also suggest that people do this with journaling. So at the top of the page, you could say, I choose to check in with my judgment. And then the compassionate, the curious connection, that curiosity coming inside, you'd ask the judgment, what are you trying to tell me?

39:24What are you trying to reveal? Because the judgment will then speak. And this is really helpful. You asked earlier, what's a great way to start? Journaling is a great way to do this. Because if you're just journaling with it, you'll let your pen flow and that stream of consciousness will start to come forward onto the page. And you'll be blown away what the part will start to say. Just journal with the part. So you ask it, what do you need? And then you'll just journal, journal, journal. And then it's going to carry on with the four questions. So check in, curiosity, compassion, and what do you need?

39:52And then start to journal more. How do I feel now? Yeah, it's almost starting to treat ourselves. you said this earlier and it's resonating more as you explain the practice, this idea of treating those parts of yourself as small children. And it's like if a child was crying, the first thing you'd say is, hey, what's up? Like, what's going on? Like, how are you feeling? Like, what happened? Are you okay? Whereas when we see the parts of ourselves crying inside or kicking up a fuss, we're just like, go away. Go away. Go away. I don't want to talk to you. This is an actual question I ask my audiences is, you know, if a little child in your life was having a hard moment or saying, I'm really scared or I'm really activated, the first thing you would do is calm, connection.

40:38Your self-energy would rise to the occasion. Calm, connected, curious, what do you need? But the way that we speak to ourselves is insane. It's horrible. We just are so mean to ourselves and so aggressive with ourselves and wanting to shut it down. That's exactly right. Why do we find it easier to soothe others but not soothe ourselves? Well, because we believe, or unconsciously, I don't think we know this, but we unconsciously believe that we need these protectors to stay alive. So I'll give an example. I had very severe codependent addiction before I was a drug addict. And in that codependent addiction, I literally had a belief that if I'm not in a relationship, I will die.

41:24It wasn't, I wouldn't say that out loud, but it felt like that. It felt like death. You behaved like that. It was literally like, oh my God, if I'm clinging and fawning and if that, that relationship doesn't work, I want to find another one. And I was actually talking with a woman yesterday who's, um, who identifies as a codependent and, and has a very serious addiction to this one partner that she's been trying to, to release. And she keeps going back and she keeps going back. And, and she's like, it's just such a drug. And I said, well, what does it feel like if you were to end it? I literally feel like I would die.

41:55And that's the thing with these protectors is that we don't realize it, but they actually are protecting us from feelings that we think and believe inside, unprocessed trauma feelings that we believe will take us down. We believe they will take us down. and it's only when we start to self-soothe and access a little bit of that self inside that we can start to realize no no no no actually there's some safety here i feel like i can actually be a little bit more resilient than i thought or it's not that terrifying to go there i can go there and i can be okay on the other side but we have to have that spiritual proof in order to actually have even any desire to keep going yeah i think that's that's that part where I'm like, the first time you do this for anyone who's listening and watching, really give it your all because you can experience spiritual proof early.

42:54And as soon as you have that, you just set because you now know what you're working towards. Not that you want the same feeling or the same emotion or be different, but you know the process works. And I think sometimes it's almost like everyone knows they need to work out and everyone knows they need to take supplements and vitamins. But when you don't do that properly and you don't do it consistently, you don't have the proof that it works. Let's give them the proof right now. Yeah, go on. Let's do it. Let's give them the experience right now. Okay, let's do it. Because one of the things I don't love about this sort of therapeutic book is that talking about it, it's like people are just like, and also protectors get up, like other protectors, like literally like, you're going to have to bleep me, but they're like, this, I don't want to go there.

43:38And so that's why it took me years in therapy. And I wish I'd had this book because I think it would have been a more gentle access to it. So let's stop talking about it. I'll give it to them. And you can do it for yourself. I think everyone listening, maybe you close your eyes while we do this if you want to. And for your own sake, Jay, just think of a protector that you might be aware of. And you don't have to say out loud what you're working with unless you want to later, okay? And everybody listening, check in right now with, at this point, maybe you're aware of a part of yourself that is a little activated at times, or maybe very activated at times.

44:16So the parts that are controlling or addicted, or maybe the part that runs through the refrigerator or checks out with YouTube, or the aspects of yourself that you want to check in with and choose one right now. And once you're aware of that part, if you're not driving, you can gently close your eyes and focus your attention inward and choose to check in with the part. And now noticing inside with a little curiosity, where does that part of you live in your body? Where do you feel it inside? And does it have a shape or a color? Or is there any words or thoughts or memories attached to it? Give it a breath.

45:10Take a deep breath in like Jay just did. Breathe in with it and just be present with it and let it know that it's safe to let you know more. So any memories or feelings or sensations and don't judge anything that comes forward, just let it come through. And now that you have a little bit of access and connection to this part, you can ask it one last time, is there anything else that you want me to know?

45:43and now with that access to the part I want you to check in a little bit more closely and offer it a little bit of compassionate connection asking the part what do you need just listen don't overthink it don't judge it just listen

46:10and now take a deep breath in and maybe place your hand on your heart and your other hand on your belly and just breathing in and just let that part know that you've listened that you're here and take another deep breath in

46:32and now just check in and notice how you feel do you feel even the slightest bit more calm

46:45do you feel a little bit of compassion towards that part are you curious would you like to know a little bit more at some point are you willing to get to know more do you feel connected do you have more clarity about it you need creative energy buzzing through you feel a little buzziness

47:12just notice those c qualities courage be confidence just take one last deep breath in

47:25just let it go

47:30and then whenever you're ready you can open your eyes

47:41see how you feel

47:55I watched you go there it was beautiful it was uh it was great it was um what I really liked about it the part that really helped me was being able to approach something head on, which we don't do. Yeah. And then to actually sit with it with compassion in a good way. So my normal reaction to it would be, God, why do I do this? Why am I doing that? God, it's so annoying. Oh, I know this came from something in my past or that's the kind of energy that it often has. And to not have that energy for that protector was new because the energy that I have for the protector is most likely negative or condescending or some sort of kind of derogatory kind of feeling.

48:50Whereas this, it was really pleasant to see. Oh, you're not all that bad. You've been needed. You've performed a purpose. You've been useful. And it's not perfect, but I'm grateful. Yeah. And that was quite new. I'd never done that before. There's a lot of clarity there. Yeah. That's a lot of self, Jay. Yeah, yeah. That clarity. Mm-hmm. So if you're walking, for the listener who's walking out of this or experiencing this just for the first time, and they're like, oh, I learned something new. That's self. Did you feel a little bit more calm? Yeah, self. You felt some compassion towards self. So anyone that's listening, even the slightest, like I said, the molecule of calmness or compassion or connection, you've done it perfectly.

49:38This is perfect. And if you're like, I actually feel worse, that's fine too, because you tried, right? You went through the journey. This is just the first baby step in. the experience, like I shared earlier, is about getting into relationship with the part, not pushing it away, shutting it down, blaming and shaming. It's getting into relationship with. And here's the cool part. The more you do this, the more you can actually speak for your parts rather than as your parts. Yes. Wow. That's really powerful. Say that again, because that's really good. The more you practice this, the easier it is for you to speak for your parts rather than as your parts.

50:23I mean, that's it, right? I'll give you an example. Yesterday, you know, I have a part that's, that's, she's doing okay. She's called Knives Out. She's been really at bay. And the person that she likes to bring the knives out to is my husband, poor Zach. So she loves to bring those knives out. And, but, but we've been so good. You know, Like my husband and I do IFS therapy for couples therapy. So like we are, we're in a great, we're a rocket. I mean, it's amazing that marriages can get that much better over time. The, and we have a language around it. And I said to him, something happened where he said something that was really triggering to me.

50:59It was like something that we're like, I did something with my kid that he didn't like and he was kind of shaming me, but not on purpose, but I felt shamed because when does Knives Out come out, Jay? When I feel shame, right? Like, I don't want to feel that shame. So instead of feeling that shame, I'm going to literally bring the knives out, go and become completely overtaken. If anyone that read my book saw me, they'd be like terrified and cry and run in the corner. And knives out comes out and she's like cursing. And she's like, go F yourself, you know, and like outraged. And later that night, Zach was just like, I don't know what to do with that part.

51:35It's like, what the hell was that? Why did you, we've been so good. Why did you have to act out like that? And I said, I was triggered in the moment and I was taken over by the part. And I want to speak for the part. There's that part, again, that when she feels shame, she goes into a, she checks out, become blended with the part. You literally could take on like a different physical form. Your face can change. Your voice can change. And I just said, I'm really sorry for how I acted. and I want to take ownership that that part gets really, and I'm not saying, oh, it's just a part, so get over it.

52:11I'm saying that's that part that I'm still working with. I'm going to speak for the part. The part got really activated. She felt shame. When she feels shame, she goes crazy. And so I'm going to keep working with her, and I'm sorry that she acted out. Yeah. But I'm speaking for her rather than as her. As her would have been like, still in that rage, I'm protecting no matter what. Yeah. Fighting for the part. And this is really cool in work environments. So if you've got coworkers that you work with or a boss that pisses you off, you can start speaking for the part. You can go to the boss and just say, hey, listen, depending on the environment, but you could in your own way say, hey, listen, I just want to let you know that when I get really flustered when I don't know the answers.

52:53I just wanted to let you know that a part of me gets really activated when I don't know all the answers. So if you see me acting weird in those months, I just want to let you know because I'm not trying to bullshit you, but I actually just get really flustered. Yeah. Just imagine living like that or starting a relationship with somebody and you have this language and you're like, listen, a part of me is like a very anxious attachment style. And I just want you to know that like, like I might act a little nuts at times because this is part of me that gets activated. If I was dating a guy early in a relationship and he said that to me, I'd be like, bro, let's, let's take this further.

53:24And if they can't, then that's not your partner. Right. But speaking for these parts just makes you so much cooler. It's like, it's like the animation inside out. well Inside Out is based on IFS yeah right right right that makes so much sense that makes so much sense and that's why I love it for kids yeah because then I'll talk to my kid about that film and I'll be like oh remember the anxious guy and you know yeah yeah they can speak for these parts of yourself

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56:27Talk to me about how you've been using IFS in those two ways. So you talked about with your husband, Zach, and with your son, let's talk about IFS in that context of being in a relationship and a romantic relationship and then having a relationship with your child. Let's start with romantic relationship. If someone's starting to do this work and they want to encourage their partner to be included in it, how do you do that? How do you go about that conversation in a way? I feel like so many people today are like, I don't want to date someone who hasn't done therapy. I don't want to date someone who hasn't healed.

57:05How do you actually have that conversation in a healthy way? I'm going to answer that with a story, okay? So, because I get this question all the time. When I first started this yoga practice almost a decade ago, and I was so deeply into it. And I was like doing the sadhana and I was wearing the turban. You remember. And I was like in the whites and I was like every day, all day going to the teacher training. and I'd come home and I'd be like, Zach, you have to do this five-hour breathwork practice with your hands in the air with me. And he was just like, go F yourself. No, I'm not doing that.

57:37And I kept being like, well, why isn't he doing it? And I went to my teacher and I said, listen, my husband isn't doing the practice with me. He doesn't want to do it. And she looked at me and she said, the second that you walk in the door, when you get home, she said, take off the turban and shut up. And that was it. That's my answer for everybody. Take off your metaphorical turban and shut up because if your partner's not ready for it, they're not ready for it. You do the work. You are the one you've been waiting for. You get to work. You start tending to the parts of yourself inside. And when you change, everybody else around you has the opportunity to rise up with you.

58:11And that's in relationships. If you start to rise and they don't rise with you, then that's your sign. Okay. It's time to move on. But when you rise, you give somebody the opportunity to elevate with you alongside you, but you got to do the work. You can't, yeah, you can say I'm attracting a partner that wants to do the work, but their work might be different than your work. And so I've been on my own path. Zach's been on his own path. We find intersection, but he's not sitting and going to ashram or he's not going to go and do a two-hour meditation, but he will do self-help with me. He'll check in with me.

58:44But this is a journey. You got to do the work for yourself. Yeah. What about when your parts, even when you learn to speak for your parts and not as your parts, What happens when your parts have pushed people too far away? So for example, with your knives out, Zach is an understanding person who's doing the work with you. He's also trying to figure this out. I'm sure he has his version of whatever it is. What do you do when your parts have acted out and you've realized too late that they've actually pushed people quite far away? Is that repairable? The word is repair. I think that that depends on the relationship.

59:22We, as an addict, I know very well what it means to make amends. A lot of times we as addicts can have, those are, addicts are very extreme parts. They're called firefighter parts that are literally at wit's end. I have to do whatever it takes to put out the fire and the flames of this impermissible feeling. And so that's why addicts deserve a tremendous amount of compassion because oftentimes we're traumatized people who do not have the resources in that moment to actually heal and help ourselves. So So in the scenario of an addict, let's just say, they may have pushed a lot of people away. They might have created a lot of wreckage.

59:58And so it's first in the inner work of the self-forgiveness. There's a chapter in the book called Self-Forgiveness. In the inner work of getting in relationship with those parts and recognizing that that was a part that was working really hard and forgiving yourself first. because you won't really be able to even be in an energy that could be resonant with someone to receive their forgiveness if you don't forgive yourself first. Because then you're needing them to make it right for you. You have to make it right for you. And when you do that, that's when your amends will really land. So I can look at Zach now and say, I know that this part needs me.

1:00:44And I'm working really hard with her. And so I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to ask for your forgiveness as well. And so I think that's the answer, Jay, is that if you've pushed, if your parts have created a lot of wreckage in your life, then you have to really, no one has to. My suggestion is to go deep into your own inner healing and forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness of the parts and acceptance of the parts. And then you'll be shown, self will guide you. You'll be self-led. Self is spirit. So self is God. Self is the energy of love inside of you. It will show you, okay, when you feel that you have access to that self-forgiveness inside, you're going to know that it's time to go and make amends.

1:01:26And maybe you get the forgiveness or maybe you don't. But you don't need it. But you're there to ask, really, to make amends. I think that all relationships, if there are two parties that are interested in this, this is an extraordinary practice for a couple. Extraordinary. It's an extraordinary practice for a parent. Dr. Becky Kennedy is a good friend and she's also very good friends with Dick Schwartz and she practices a lot of IFS in the work as well. And it comes through in her work a lot because think about it, it's curiosity. You have a DFK, a deeply feeling kid like I do, and the child needs your self-energy.

1:02:05In the case of my child, so to answer the second question, of how do we do this with our kids, some kids might like the four steps. Some kids might like, you know, they're really activated and you're like, okay, let's check in. You know, let me check in. And you actually could go through the steps with them. Let's check in with that part. Where do you feel that in your body, baby? And just checking in. Okay. Oh, and then what do you need? And how do you feel now that mommy's given you a little bit of breath? And remembering that our children are always co-regulating with, they're regulating with our energy.

1:02:32So we're not co-regulating, They're regulating with us. And so our self-energy, the more we do this, the better a parent we will be. Because what does a child need? A self-led leader in the home. The child doesn't need a lot of child parts parenting them. They need the adult, resourced, undamaged self, as often as possible, as the parent. Because that's what's safe. And so that self begets more self. In the case of my child, if I start trying to go through the four steps with him, he's like, are you kidding? me. He is so allergic to, to, you know, these kinds of conversation or like, how are you feeling?

1:03:08He's like, nah, mommy. So I have to do a little backwards ways, you know, I'll just be very casual. Like, yo bro, how are you feeling? Like, what's going on? Like what happened today? You know, just really cash, really cash. So you have to know your kid. Yeah. The kid is like, don't try that on me, mommy. Yeah. And that, and that's, that's the beauty of it though, is that it gives you a language to speak to the other people in your life as well. Yes. So if you have friends or other parties involved, it gives you a collective language. So it's really funny. Whenever I'm around my friends in the IFS community, I did a call yesterday with Dick Schwartz and his wife, and we were talking about AI stuff and I was giving them some guidance and they were getting activated by it because it's new.

1:03:53And it's like, what do you mean? I need like a clone. Like, what are you talking about? And I looked at them and I was like, so guys, you know, I know I have a really aggressive part that likes to get really excited about things. So just warning you as we enter this. And so we all speak for our parts in these relationships. And it really is quite funny when you're around as IFS people, because we're all just like, my part feels this, but it's beautiful. I mean, imagine the whole world is walking around being like, hey, I just want to speak for a part of myself before I act like an asshole. Yeah.

1:04:19It's incredible. It's a totally different way to live. It's, it's. Do people use it as an excuse though? Like a false disclaimer? Definitely. Definitely. You don't want to start being like in that sort of wounded place. It's kind of like, no offense, but - And that happens in all practices, right? You're going to be like, well, I just needed my four hour meditation, or I didn't do enough mantras this morning or whatever, you know. But in this instance, I think that we, this is about taking ownership of our parts, but not in a way where we're judging them, but where we're befriending them and speaking for them and taking care of them.

1:04:51Is there ever a time, we've talked a lot about self-soothing, self-regulating, self-help overall, is there ever a time where being hard on yourself is actually useful and effective? You ask the best questions. You're so good at this. You know, I think that there's, so this is actually a beautiful question. There are protectors that also have really valuable, they all have valuable roles, right? So let's think about it from the standpoint of my workaholic really create a lot of drama and chaos in my life and gastro issues and just constant hypervigilance. But she also wrote 10 books in 14 years, right?

1:05:33And she's helped served a lot of souls. So we didn't want to shut her down or blame her, shame her. She was doing the best she could. And she also did a lot of good along the way. And we can be in difficult times and still be doing great things in the world. So I think that a part that is sort of beating us up or not even beating us up, maybe like an encouraging part that's like, push harder, go more. It's a self-like part. It's not self, but it has more self aspects than protector aspects. And the real question isn't, is that bad or good? It really is, is it extreme? Because if it's extreme, that's when you really need to start to tend to it.

1:06:16Because remember, we could be very praised for our perfectionism or very praised for our work ethic or very praised for how hard we hit the gym or how much we practice that tennis. And we could be really praised for that. And it looks like a great quality. And in many ways it is. But when it's extreme, it's oftentimes a very extreme protector. Yeah. And that's why you've got to approach it in the same way. You can't judge that part of you that is hard on you. No, check on, check in with it. Because it has value, yeah. And the thing that's happened, here's the miracle. When you start to check in with these parts and you start to befriend them and you start to self-soothe and you start to create this relationship inside, it's not that the parts have to go away, Jay.

1:07:01It's that the parts now become the best versions of themselves. They've returned to their natural roles. So my workaholic part, look, I've got you today and then I'm going off to the next thing. I've got three more podcasts tomorrow. I'm still showing up, but I'm doing it in a less extreme way. You know this. You've known me for almost a decade. My energy is different. I'm not doing less. I'm just more intentional and I'm more aligned and I'm more resourced and I'm having more fun and I'm more childlike. I can't tell you how many friends like you and Lewis and brothers of mine have been like, Gabby, you're like so youthful and childlike.

1:07:41You guys said that to me when we had dinner. And that's just the unburdening because it's going to make me cry. It's like you return to this childlike presence inside that was always there. It just got taken from you. Yeah, I mean, when we were at Lewis's wedding, I didn't actually tell you this. I told you at dinner, which I think we had like a year ago, but when we were at Lewis's wedding earlier this year, I was thinking about it a lot. And I was like, wow, Gabby's just so at peace. Like you just have this ease about you these days that not that you weren't, and you were like, when I first met you, you were like, you were buzzy and you were like, kind of like, you know, you had all this good energy.

1:08:14You always have. I've never felt anything different, but I could feel that like ease and grace and peace from you. Yeah. And that's a really beautiful thing when you experience it in someone, because I think we're used to being around high performing people who have big goals and targets and things like that. And that's not a fun energy to be around. It's kind of, it's, it's not like, it's not attractive that energy is. And we're all ambitious and stuff. So there's nothing wrong with that. But if that's someone's overarching energy, it's not the same as when you're around someone who's kind of just at ease and peace, even though they are driven and ambitious.

1:08:47Talk to me about that kind of paradox, because I think we think that if someone's at peace, they're slow. Yeah. And if someone's ambitious, they're fast. Talk to me about slow, fast, peaceful, ambitious. Yeah. Well, oftentimes high-performing entrepreneurs do have a lot of shadow parts. 100%. But oftentimes that is the reason for so much of their successes. And it's when those folks begin to alchemize and start to recognize and do the work, however that work shows up in their life, that their real successes, not external, but that they're actually able to achieve what they're truly capable of.

1:09:31And so achievement is not a sign of self-energy at all. Achievement is oftentimes a sign of a lot of protectors working their ass off to get something going, to protect you. What happens when we are in that self-energy, when we're in self, is that it's not that we, if we are a high performer just by nature, certain people just have different energies, right? We're born with different frequencies. If that's in your nature and that's a part of you, It's not that that goes away. It's just that you can do it in a more sustainable way. You have more boundaries. You have more ability to say yes, say no.

1:10:06You are clearer, so you're making better decisions. You're clearer, so you're not surrounding yourself with the wrong folks. You can actually move even faster and create even more because you're not burdened. so it's it's not fast or slow it's what is the energy that's moving through you yeah when you have self-energy you can move real fast but it's so intentional that it has so much more power and you actually can do a lot less and attract a lot more

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1:13:17Let's talk about boundaries. Yeah. Because, I mean, I feel like boundaries is at the heart of every human issue today. In the sense of when we think about interpersonal dynamics, whether people having issues with their friends, their family members, it's all boundaries based. And many of us are willing to break our boundaries because we care more about people pleasing. We care more about, you know, living up to everyone's expectations. We care more about everything else. Yeah. And we think we have a boundary. We say we have a boundary, but we don't really keep up to it. Yeah. So I'll give an example.

1:13:52I was talking to a friend the other day and she said she only wanted to hang out if all of the friends were invited. And another one of her friends said, no, I only want to hang out with you. And she was like, well, if we hang out, then everyone's going to find out we hang out. And then they're going to be upset that we hung out. So I think we should invite everyone. And the other friend said, no, I just want to hang out with you and a couple of other friends, but I don't want to invite everyone. So you had these two boundaries that were almost at odds with each other. One boundary was we should always invite everyone because it makes everyone feel included, which almost was people pleasing, not even a boundary.

1:14:31And the other boundary was, no, I think it should just be a small group of us. And the person who wanted to invite everyone ultimately gave in and said, no, okay, fine. We'll just have a small group of us. Now this is a very small example, but to me, it's at the heart of all the problems that we have. It's like people being upset that people didn't invite them to their wedding, people being upset that they invited them, but didn't give them an important role, people being upset that their family didn't prioritize their birthday, people being upset that they're always the ones organizing vacations and no one else does.

1:15:04Like these are the real challenges in life that we're all going through every day. What do we do? How do we set boundaries that we actually stick to and that we're okay with letting people down, it seems. It sounds like in the case of your friends, the one that was wanting to invite everybody to big people, please their part. And it might sound like the other one probably had a pretty clear, like good boundaries. Good or bad. I mean, listen, boundaries are only good if they're led by self. Because you could also be really like, I've got all these boundaries, but that's a protector too, right? So whether it's boundaries, whether it's control, whether it's anxiety, whatever the protector is, if those parts of you are happening in extreme ways that are misaligned with that calm, clear, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous energy, then it's a protector.

1:15:58Then it's a protector. It's across the board. When it comes to boundaries, I find that the more we do whatever type of personal development or spiritual practice that we have, and the more we start to access self inside, the more precious we realize our energy is, the more connected we feel inside. So we begin to know, I can't do that anymore. The more access to self that I have acquired, the easier it has been for me to be very boundaried with the people who work for me and literally speak things that in the wrong tone could be very upsetting, but with the self energy are fine. So saying, nope, I won't do that anymore.

1:16:41That's not my thing. Or look at somebody in the eye and say, actually, that's your job. I want you to do that. That's no longer my job. I had a part for many years, Jay, that was, if I don't do it, if I don't do it, nobody else will. That was a really big part. If I don't do it, nobody else will. And that was lingering for up until maybe a year ago or less. It's really recent that it's been kind of out of my life. And not completely, but pretty much. Pretty much. I don't know how you worked on that one, because that's a great one. I just kept working with that part. That part was probably one of the parts I worked with most in my life.

1:17:15And it was really creating a lot of chaos because one, it made me just be the one that would take the burden of all of it and do all the work. Two, it wouldn't let people rise up. And three, it would put me in a position where I wasn't ever asking for what I wanted and I did not have the clear boundaries around where I started and I ended. And so it burned out. And so I kept working with it and working with it and checking in with it and noticing it and witnessing it and bringing it to my IFS therapy and bringing it to my meditation practice and checking in with it. I checked in with it every single day for at least a year through my journaling.

1:17:44I literally wrote with it every single day for a year. During COVID, I was working with it like crazy. So it's been maybe a decade of working, two decades of working with that part, but really heavily in the last year. And man, I have come out the other side. I'm literally looking at people and I'm in a different nervous system. I'll look at somebody and I'll say, oh, no, no, no, that's your job. That's your job. That's not my job. And I actually don't come across, I was probably much more of an asshole before because I was doing it and then mad that I was doing it and then taking it out on them energetically, right?

1:18:20So now I'm just like, oh, no, no, no, that's your thing. Or I'm gonna ask that you do this thing. This is my clear clarity and boundaries. As a leader, as an entrepreneur, as someone who wants to be a leader in your home with your child, in your classroom, in your business, whatever it is that you do, this is the most important book you could read as a leader. And I wish I actually, you know, it's easy for me to say that because it's based on Dick Schwartz's work, right? So it's this or any IFS practice work is the most important thing you could do as a leader. Because Dick talks about self-led leaders.

1:18:52We need to be showing up, particularly right now, what's happened is everyone out there, out there, it's all just a lot of damaged parts. all over the place. This country is insanely divisive all throughout the world. And that's just parts, parts chaos. Yeah. We're leading through a knives out part, a addicted part and an anxious part, whatever it may be. Think about the activists. They're like fighting, fighting, fighting. Look, that work is incredible. It's life-changing. It's necessary. But if we're in that constant place of fighting, that's another protector. So how can you lead and activate from a place of self?

1:19:38How can you come from that? It doesn't mean that you don't get angry. It doesn't mean that you don't have rage. You use it. You infuse the self-energy into it. And it's really important right now. Yeah. It's incredible. Gabby, I can't wait for people to read this book. Everyone, the book is called Self-Help. This is your chance to change your life. Go and grab your copy if you haven't already. I love that this book actually has a practice within it. It's built around the practice, built around the therapy. So it's not a book that you're going to read. It's a book that you're going to live and it's a book that you're going to practice.

1:20:11And so I highly recommend if you appreciate our conversation today that you go grab a copy. Gabby, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five and these questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Oh no. Okay. So I'm going to ask you these final five. Gabby Bernstein, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? Befriend the parts of yourself inside. Yeah. I love, I actually love that advice. It's, it's so, because as humans, we're so good at using something for, for when it's useful. Yeah. And then as soon as it's not useful, we condemn it.

1:20:45Yeah. So it's like, oh yeah, I hate this job now. And it's like, well, no, this job paid for the last three years of your family, your life, everything. Even if you didn't love it, don't hate on it. But we kind of use it and we hate it. And it's like, oh, I love this partner. And now that things didn't work out, I hate them. And it's like, well, no, no, no. Like you learned so much. And we don't only do that with jobs and people. We do that with ourselves where, hey, there was this part of me that I hate now. And it's like, no, that part of you helped you survive college and kept you alive. And - I want to speak to that before we end.

1:21:18Because when I wrote, I wrote this book, The year that I wrote this book, I was a fellow at a recovery center. And every month I would go and teach. And there was about 100 new folks entering the treatment center each time I'd show up. So they'd be one, two, three, four days sober. And I'd walk in the room and I was teaching this. I was practicing what I was writing about. And so I'd look at this group of people who were all literally at wit's hand. I mean, who knows what kind of destruction? They just two days into recovery. And I'd say to this group, well, listen, let me ask you, how many people in this room have experienced trauma?

1:21:51They'd all raise their hand. And then I'd say, and wouldn't it make sense that you would do whatever it took to put out the flames of that impermissible fear and experience? And a lot of them would be like, okay, yeah, yeah, I get that. And then I'd say, well, wouldn't it make sense that the addict had a purpose, that it's been working really hard to keep you safe? And I want to really, really let people hear that, that the parts of yourself that you're the most ashamed of that have caused the most chaos in your life, they've been working really hard to keep you safe. Yeah, it's so, so real. And if we were able to get that way, you'd be so much more positive and healthy about what's possible in your life.

1:22:37And able to move forward because you could forgive yourself. Yes, yes. And able to move forward because you'd take all of that experience and learning and that energy onto the next. And you'd be willing to let go as well. You could easily let go of that part knowing that it served its purpose, whereas sometimes we probably stay too long in parts that are no longer serving us. Our whole lives. Yeah. Second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? Stop doing YouTube and start blogging. Did someone say that to you? Yeah. Like 10 years ago, it was the biggest mistake of my life.

1:23:16I'm rebuilding my YouTube now. Oh, wow. Interesting. Sorry, that was like career advice, but it was the worst advice of my life. I was like, where's Jay Shetty when I needed him? It sounds like the stupidest thing to answer, but it really might have been, that wasn't the, was that the worst advice of my life? I mean, yeah, I think in this moment, it's the thing that's top of mind. Yeah, yeah. It's, I mean, I think there's - Do we expect something more profound than that? No, no, no. I love, we, that's the whole point of the podcast is to be fully authentic. No, I'm reacting because I think what's really interesting is that there's a lot of people who say they're experts, but really the only people you can trust as experts are the people that are actually doing it.

1:23:57And I feel like there's a lot of bad advice. I see all the time, like there'll be someone on Instagram saying, this is what to do on Instagram. And someone will show it to me, my friend or something saying, oh, Jay, and I'm like, check how many followers that person has. Check what their engagement is. Like check how many comments they get. Yeah. don't trust them. Like it's just someone saying something and it sounds really convincing and it sounds really well put, but they don't have the, they don't have the engagement or anything to follow it. Yeah, exactly. And the thing, I think that that was a bad choice for me because, and it was bad advice that I took because for me, I'm, I'm an orator.

1:24:34I'm a rock and tour. I needed to be storytelling in, in, on, on, I guess, YouTube really being the greatest as I'm looking at your YouTube plaque right there. So, so here I am, I'm rebuilding my YouTube now. But then the other thing is, is, you know, forgive the advice that you took that was wrong and start again. Here I am. I'm like, literally like, I might as well be like a bro in Bushwick and like a studio apartment, like hacking, you know, making my YouTube channel with all the packages, but I'm having fun with it. Yeah. And that, you know, that creative force itself. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

1:25:05Yeah. How do we do that part? Like that's, let's take that really practical thing. Like often we got bad advice. We took a wrong turn. A relationship took us off track. How do you use this to get over that? Because that is like one of those things that could just be a thorn forever that you're just like, God, that person, if I didn't date them for three years, if I didn't take that advice, I wouldn't have wasted those six years of my life blogging, whatever it is. How do we apply that to this? Oh my God. I think I'm a master. I should write a book about this. I'm a master at self forgiveness. And I think that I have been, because it's like a flip that I just switched for myself, particularly in my sobriety, where I had to just choose.

1:25:49I think that it's a choice you make to carry the burdens of your past or to choose to step into what could be your opportunity in the moment. So someone right now could have a quantum shift right here, right now. We could give them a quantum shift right here, right now. If they choose to start to say, I forgive myself, I forgive myself. Even if you just fake it till you make it, I forgive myself. Okay. And I like to kind of speak to myself like this, Jay. I'll do something that's kind of wobbly, maybe not the greatest thing. And I'll say, I'll talk like this. I'll go, okay, okay. We did that again.

1:26:24Okay. We did that again. How, who do I need? How do I need to clean it up? What do I need to, who do I make amends to. Who do I check? What part do I check in with? And then very quickly, how do I choose again? Yeah. How do I choose again? That question shifts it completely because it was a choice. You had the power. Yeah. You made a choice. And yeah, I agree. I mean, I've pivoted so many times in my career and my life and so many things. And it's only been because I've followed self. Yes. And that's where I know when I'm not living my best life is when I'm not following self. Totally. And I think the challenge is that self can get very quiet for people.

1:27:08And you talk a lot about trusting yourself ultimately. And you can't trust yourself when you can't hear yourself and you can't hear yourself because you haven't listened to yourself for so long. That's right. And this book is helping you get back to that so that you're not making decisions based on rationale or logic or pros and cons lists, but you're actually having clarity from within, which is such a gift. And if you think about that, clarity from within. Okay. So if you're struggling to change a relationship, this will guide you to that clarity. If you are struggling to forgive a past behavior that's been holding you back, this will help you release that behavior and start to connect to that clarity.

1:27:49So that essence of accessing the energy that we need, we all, anyone listening wants to create in this lifetime. They have visions, they have dreams, they have desires. It's not about how often you say it. It's not about how many vision boards you create. It's not about how many affirmations you say. It's about how you relate to yourself inside because you're always attracting who you are. You manifest and attract who you are. Question number three, what are you feeling really clear about right now? Very clear about YouTube. I'm really clear about where I want to put my energy, where I want to focus my energy.

1:28:39I mean, what a great place to be. Question number four, What's something you used to value that you no longer value? External validation. I mean, I value it. Like you said earlier, it's nice, but it was something that was very important for me. And I needed it. I don't feel it that way anymore. Switched, yeah. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? To get to know your parts. Yeah, heal on the inside. I actually do really believe that. I believe that if everyone was doing this type of work, that we would be living in a very different place.

1:29:15Yeah, because we wouldn't be throwing our wounds all over the place. We'd be self-help. We'd be helping ourselves. We'd be living, accessing more self. And really the only way to change the frequency or change the trajectory that we're on is to actually, on an individual level, start to heal. and in that inner healing we start to lead in our own corners with that self-led energy and it's community right now i mean this is what i've been channeling in my meditations it's it's getting inside doing the inner work and then bringing that self-led energy into your local community and that will have a ripple effect everyone the book it's called self-help this is your chance to change your life gabby bernstein go and follow her on youtube on instagram on TikTok.

1:30:05Subscribe to all of Gabby's channels so that you don't miss out. And please, please, go and grab a copy of the book to do the work yourself, to save yourself so much time, energy, money in the long term for your own good, the good of your family, your partner, whoever else may be in your life, your friends, your community. Thank you again, Gabby, for coming on the show. It's great to have you back and have this conversation. And thank you. I'm so grateful for your work. I love you. Thank you. I love you too. Thanks, Gabby. If this is the year that you're trying to get creative, you're trying to build more, I need you to listen to this episode with Rick Rubin on how to break into your most creative self, how to use unconventional methods that lead to success, and the secret to genuinely loving what you do.

1:30:50If you're trying to find your passion and your lane, Rick Rubin's episode is the one for you. Just because I like it, that doesn't give it any value. Like, as an artist, if you like it, that's all of the value. That's the success comes when you say, I like this enough for other people to see it. Residents at Brightview Senior Living Communities enjoy enhanced possibilities, independence, and choice. Brightview Dulles Corner and Great Falls offer vibrant senior independent living, assisted living, and memory care services through various daily programs, chef-prepared meals, safety and security, transportation, resort-style amenities, and high-quality care.

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