How To Make The 4 Most Important Decisions In Life That Impact 90% Of Your Happiness & Avoid Unnecessary Pain And Stress

28:11So if a thought you have about yourself is I'm not good enough and you keep repeating that thought, you will start to believe that thought and that thought will become your reality and now you've chosen that thought so many times that that is the life you've chosen for yourself. And for me, I started to recognize at that point, I had to choose my identity rather than have my identity be chosen for me because life is short. And so that was the first decision. The second decision I realized was who you decide to spend your life with. The second most important decision you choose to make in your life is who you choose to give your love to and who you choose to receive love from.

28:52Because who you choose to give love to is going to decipher whether you feel fulfilled, whether you feel inspired, whether you feel energized. And who you choose to receive love from is going to affect your mood. As we get older and older and older, we spend less time with our parents. We spend less time with our families. We spend less time with our friends. We spend more and more time with that person that we chose to be with. but often we don't really make a choice based on any information. The third choice we make, the most important choice we make is what we choose to do for money, what we choose to do with our lives, like what you're doing right now and what we do right now, because you're going to do that for, you know, nine, 10 hours a day, if not 14 hours a day, if not 16 hours a day for some of us.

29:39And then finally, the fourth most important decision you choose to make is how you serve the world, how you choose to give back, how you choose to reciprocate for all the greatness that you got because no one is self-made. And that's when I started to realize that I had to start getting intentional about my choices because up until then, I was just doing anything and everything. Having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care. Just like the friend who shows up to a housewarming party when you get that dream home, celebrates your big promotion, or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind, State Farm is there to help you feel supported.

30:20They have different coverage options, whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat, or even RV. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important. And with so many coverage options, it's nice knowing you have help finding what fits for you so you can continue to celebrate all of life's biggest milestones. Go online at statefarm.com or use the award-winning app to get help from one of their local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

30:54This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given, and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. Every time I travel, I find a part of myself I didn't know was missing. I remember being in this small town, completely unplugged, and for the first time in a while, I felt still. Travel does that. It grounds you, expands you, and connects you to something deeper. That's why I'm always looking for experiences that go beyond the typical. Chase Sapphire Reserve makes traveling a breeze, earning 8x points on all purchases through Chase Travel, and granting access to Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide.

31:44No matter my destination, travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Discover more with Chase Sapphire Reserve at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A., member FDIC, subject to credit approval, terms apply. Why did you choose to be a monk? The two reasons I chose to become a monk. I saw two things in the monks that I didn't see in anyone else. So when I was 18, which was how old I was when I first met the monk that I speak about in the book, Think Like a Monk, I had met people who were rich. I'd met people who were famous. I'd met people who were beautiful.

32:28I'd met people who were powerful. But I don't think I'd met anyone who was happy or who was content or who was self-realized. or had gained some level of being centered. And when I met the monks, I saw two things. One was emotional mastery. The people that I met had a sense of emotional clarity and mastery of their senses, their emotions, and their ability to convert their own envy into positive energy, to convert these darker feelings that we experience of insecurity and ego and competition into service and collaboration. I saw them be able to be magicians and wizards in how they took these very lower energies from within and were able to help them to rise and transform them into things that actually benefited the world.

33:29The world has never been benefited by someone's ego. the world has never been benefited by someone's insecurities and the world has never benefited by someone taking out their trauma on other people and forget the world a relationship an individual has never benefited from any of those things and I saw that these people were working on that they were working on figuring that out and I thought wow like who else in the world is trying to figure out how to deal with these very real things that we all deal with by the way But they're trying to figure that out. That feels like a worthy pursuit. That feels like a really, really worthy pursuit.

34:06Because they're learning to deal with the things that make wealth meaningless. Right? If you have lots of wealth, but you have lots of envy, you'll just be envious of the other person who has more wealth. if you have fame, but you are insecure. Fame does not solve that insecurity and actually it makes your fame worse. If you have beauty, but you don't have self-worth, you allow people to exploit that beauty and you allow people to exploit and take advantage of it and feel empty. So actually all of our life, we can have fame, We can have money. We can have beauty. We can have all of these things.

34:51But if we solve that core, we can actually appreciate and use and actually enjoy these things in a much deeper way. And so I saw with the monks that they were focusing on what I believed was the core to human life, emotional mastery. And the second thing they had, which I really gravitated towards, was that they quoted Emerson And Emerson said that we should plant trees under whose shade we do not plan to sit. And I love that because when we choose to extend ourselves, we've always talked about service today already, but it was that service connection. What I talked about earlier, that they were choosing to live a life beyond themselves and choosing to live a life for others and people that couldn't do anything back for them.

35:42And I thought that there was some beauty in that because despite my conflicted or challenged childhood, I still had a lot more than a lot more people, right? As in the sense of I didn't have a lot financially or we didn't have a big home or anything like that, but I still had a good education. I still had parents who were making me work hard. I felt a sense of responsibility and accountability to give back to people who didn't have that. And when I went to India and I saw, you know, one experience I'll never forget is I was nine years old. And it was the first time I'd visited India. And as I told you earlier, my father's from India, southern India.

36:24My mother was born and raised in Yemen, but she's originally Indian. And so I'm there at nine years old and we're in the back of a taxi. And we're going back to our hotel. We're staying at a simple hotel in the city. And I'm in the car and I'm looking out the window. I've never seen anything like India. Have you ever been to India? So I've never seen anything, right? I'm a boy from London. I've never seen anything like India. And I look out the window and we're driving past an area where there's a lot of young children on the streets. And they're all there. And some of them are half clothed. And you can see some of them probably haven't eaten for a while, haven't drunk water.

37:08You know, they look like they've had a rough, rough time. And as a nine-year-old, I'm seeing kids who are nine years old having the same experience. Now, I've never seen this in London. And I see kids doing all sorts of things. I see some of them playing with a little ball. I see some of them running around. I see some of them just sitting there. And I see these legs that are poking out of a trash can. and I realized that this kid must be inside this trash can.

37:38And I can see that they must be trying to scrape something out of the trash can, maybe some food or something. And then when the child comes out, I realized they don't have any hands. They're just scraping with, you know, they've lost their hands and they're just scraping with what they have left, trying to get some food. And it's like, I saw that and I wanted to do anything I possibly could. Like I just wanted to, you know, get out of the car and just run across the other side. But I'm nine years old and I have nothing to give them. And I don't know how money works. So I don't know what's going on.

38:06Like, you know, I'm having this little experience where we're stuck at the traffic lights. And then the car moves and, you know, I can't do anything. And I feel like this is the worst experience I'm having right now because I don't know what to do. And then we get back to the hotel. And I remember hearing that there was a couple of people complaining about the buffet. And I remember that just hitting me and just going, wow, like that kid didn't have, you know, that kid was scraping the bottle of a trash can to find food. And, you know, me as well, you know, I can we can be so ungrateful sometimes in not recognizing that benefit, which is upon us even to have access to clean water and good food.

38:54and it was at that point where i was like i it was at nine years old where i had that feeling but that only came back when i saw the monk i almost forgot about it right it was really interesting i left india forgot about it didn't think about it and then when i met the monk at 18 and started spending more time in india we would actually go out to feed the homeless so when i would go out i would take part in this program that the monks run called midday meals and so the monks that i was spending time with were feeding 1.2 million now today are feeding 1.2 million kids a day in India. And that, even though that's such an amazing number, that's just scratching the surface.

39:29Like that's not even enough. And so I got to be a part of that when I was there and go out every day and feed the kids and just, you know, see that experience. But it was amazing how you forget about that stuff between nine and 18. I didn't think about it once. You said it was two reasons, right? Yeah. So the first reason was the emotional mastery. And the second reason was this service element, wanting to extend our life to others. You know, something that has played with me in the last year is the importance of contrast in life. Like you wouldn't know the other if you didn't taste the other, right?

40:00And for you to see a buffet and a child scraping garbage, just this contrast taught you that this is ridiculous that we're hearing complaints about a buffet when somebody can't. If you never saw that and all you knew was buffets, you think this is the norm. It's okay to complain about a caviar or a buffet or a fork But contrast really makes human beings compare in a healthy way sometimes I hope in a lot of times You said also that ego never served anyone Do you think that applies also to sports, for example, or business? Can ego actually serve you if controlled? That's a great question I think the first part, I really love that point you just made I think it's such a powerful point that you just drew out And I never saw it like that in that scenario.

40:50But I agree with that point of, I think if we were exposed to more opposites growing up, it would help us find our middle. It would help us find our gray. But we're not. We're just exposed to one type of lifestyle. And I think if we were exposed to more contrast, more paradoxes, more opposites, more seemingly challenging things, it would actually expand our horizons and expand our mind, not close it. I think we're scared that if someone sees something, it's going to scare them or it's going to worry them. But actually, it helps them become more thoughtful. And I think that's one of the things that's become so important to me that I wouldn't have become who I am today if I didn't meet the monks.

41:34But if someone asked me at 16 whether I wanted to be a monk or meet a monk, I would have said no. I would have chucked a bottle of alcohol at them. As in, the reaction would have been, you're so stupid, that's ridiculous. And so I think most of us are just too exposed to the same people, the same faces, the same things. Or we're exposed to the same parts of people. That's one of the things I think you try and do and I try and do on my podcast is, even if you know someone, I want you to see a deeper side of them, a new side of them, a side that you're not aware of. Because it's not that that person is one-dimensional at all.

42:09And even today, as I'm sharing with you, I feel like anyone who listens to and watches this will be like, oh, I'm learning about Jay in a way that I've never learned about Jay before. And that's a healthy thing to do. So anyway, going back to your second question about ego. Ego can be used to achieve great things. But after the achievement of those great things, it will then fail us once again. And so yes, in business, ego can be used to achieve astronomical success. In sports, ego can be engaged to win incredible championships. But in the end, ego is the same thing that will break you and lead to ultimate failure because the real battle was with ego, not with the sports team and not with the other game and not with the other team and not with the other business person.

43:02The real battle was with your ego. And so I think that confidence and ego are two separate things. I think a lot of athletes that I admire, and I'm guessing we admire some similar athletes, they have a confidence that they are the best, but they back it up and they have the ability to still glorify and appreciate someone else. Ego is lacking the capacity to appreciate, glorify, and admire others in public. If you struggle to hear good things about someone else and to join in and to be a part of that and to celebrate that, that's ego. If you struggle to acknowledge, you may say I'm the best in the world.

43:51You can say you're the best in the world, sure. But even the best in the world, if you really sat down with them, they would happily talk about someone else that inspires them to be the best in the world. They'll never say they're self-made. They'll say that I'm the best in the world because I have 10 people around me who are amazing. Look at your, you have a huge team around you today. I would assume that, you know, you're getting to do this because you have a team around you. It's how I feel. Like we have an incredible team. Like I can walk around thinking that I'm doing something phenomenal in the world, but I know that it's brought by by a team.

44:19So So ego is when you lack the ability to acknowledge that there are other people in your journey, that there are other people adding value to the world, that there are other people who are improving the world in their own way, and that there's space for everyone. Ego says there's only space for me. And I think that ultimately will lead to someone's demise because it's just not true. and ego set up that way, it has to be broken by the time we die in order to let us live. And if we don't break our ego, life will break it for you. And I've seen that many times in my own life in little ways. And I've seen it many times in people that I've coached.

45:04I've seen it many times in people that I know where it's much easier to relinquish your own ego. It will save you a lot of time and a lot of stress. And ego doesn't mean you don't have the confidence that you're brilliant at what you do. I think I'm really good at what I do. I'm very comfortable saying that. But that doesn't mean that I think I'm better than others. I just think I am who I am. I'm just different. And I think that's the human construct that in modern society, we've made people think you either have to be better or worse than others. You're either ahead or behind of others. You're either early or late compared to other people.

45:43and I'm just like, I'm just different. My timing is different. My opportunity is different. My voice is different. My background is different. And that applies to you. It applies to everyone in our space. It applies to everyone outside of our space, which is different. It wasn't ever about being better or worse. I mean, you talk about soccer, right? Or football, like I'm a CR7 guy all the way, but it's like the constant debate of who's better between CR7 and Messi. It's like, they're just different. They are genuinely different players. They've played different positions in their career. They've played in different places.

46:18They've played in different teams. In one sense, if we acknowledge that difference is what makes us special and beautiful and what makes everyone phenomenal and we can appreciate that, we stop getting lost. And what we don't realize is when we compare ourselves to others, so if we think we're behind, then when we get ahead, we're going to be scared of the people behind us. because we know that we caught up and we beat someone who was number one. Now we're scared of their number two. And so you keep staying in that cycle of like, I'm ahead now, I'm behind, I'm ahead, I'm behind, I'm ahead. And that's just going to go on forever.

46:51Like, I don't think Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are sitting there looking at the rich list going, oh, I'm number two now, man. Like, oh my God, like got to get back up to number one. Like, who's that LVMH guy who's like, you know. You know, Jay, if people, I'm a very practical, logical guy. If we just use logic and I say Jay is Jay, he's a certain height, certain look, certain eye color, certain skin color, certain personality, certain childhood, certain journey. Logic. And I say, Anas, you're the same. So it's already not apples to apples. So I can't say, how can I beat him? Or how can I be better than him?

47:32I'm not competing. It's a pineapple and a chair. it's it's you can't just make that comparison logically and if we but people are under the perception of all human beings i should compare myself to a girl compares herself to another girl or another actress and the comparison is really dangerous because you don't know what they're going through you don't know how their life is their mental state their money actually in the bank you don't know anything so this comparison is already flawed from the beginning logically so the moment you're like how can i be better you know software 1.0 1.1 1.5 2 and until i die i am at the best version of j the best i really worked on myself and this is the best j i could give yeah well then we're good yeah yeah really well said i couldn't agree with you more and i think that that allows you to be inspired by others i think it's really interesting right comparison can work two ways you can either compare yourself to someone and say i wish i was them or you can compare yourself to them and say, I'm going to learn that.

48:36I see what they learned. I see what they studied. I think I do that. I've done that my whole life where I compare myself to so many people, but in a positive sense of, well, if they can do it, then I can do it. Or if they learn that, then how do they learn that? What do I need to learn? What am I missing? And then comparison becomes this beautiful thing because it's inspiring. It's energizing. Yeah, you can come and learn. Anas, use this camera. Maybe I can use it. That's a good comparison. Exactly. It's a very good point. So comparison can be positive and negative. Yeah. Now, I know why you became a monk.

49:07Why did you leave? Yeah, that was a hard, hard, hard decision. I don't, at that time, I don't think I'd made a harder decision apart from joining. So I just want to give context because, you know, sometimes people will say like, you know, OJ, you became a monk so you could tell your story one day. and it's really interesting that comment because I decided to become a monk at a time when all my family and friends were like this is the worst decision of your life like think about this I'm a London boy I went to a good university I have a good education I have a first class honors degree I'm a straight A student my life is ahead of me and I decide to go away, everyone's thinking I've gone mad, I've been brainwashed, or I've lost the plot.

49:55And a lot of my friends and family said things to me like, Jay, this is the biggest mistake of your life. You're going to regret this decision. You're wasting your parents' investment in you. You're letting your family down. What are you doing with your life? And so I left with a lot of friction and a lot of pain and a lot of tears and a lot of emotion from my extended family who were just like, what are you doing? Like, this is not a good idea. And so I didn't leave to like a cheerleading squad of like, oh, this is amazing. But you know, it was quite a tough decision to leave everything behind.

50:27I turned down my job office that I had in the city and I left with a lot of negativity and confusion. And then when I decided to come back, and I'll tell you why I decided to come back. But when I decided to come back, it's like all those people were there on the other side saying, we told you so. Look, now you messed up. and look who all your friends are. All your friends have got promoted. They've got apartments. They're getting engaged. They're getting married. Look at you. Look where you are. You're three years behind everyone else. And so it was never easy to go or to come back because I knew what was waiting for me when I came back.

51:06And the reason I decided to leave is in three years, when all you're doing is self-awareness in terms of so much of your work is dedicated to understanding yourself, I realized that I wasn't meant to be a monk. I didn't have the qualification or the ability to be a monk for the rest of my life. And what I mean by that is monks live very obedient, disciplined lives. And while I'm a disciplined individual, I'm kind of a rebel. I like being independent. I like making my own choices. and while that was a beautiful training ground and it was great for giving me my foundation, I felt like it was a foundation to help me fly, not a life to live forever.

51:54And it's almost like I spoke to my monk teacher when I was leaving and I was actually really embarrassed to talk to him because I thought I was also a failure in his eyes now. I'd already been a failure in my extended family's lives and now I'm scared, now I'm letting my monk teacher down. And I said that to him, I said, I'm so embarrassed that I'm leaving after three years and I wanted to do this for the rest of my life and I'm feeling worthless and I'm feeling empty and I feel like I let you down. And he said to me, he said, Jay, what's more powerful? Someone goes to university or college and after they graduate, some people become professors and some people become entrepreneurs or they go outside and work in a company.

52:36Said, which one's better? I said, neither of them. it depends who the person is and he said that's the same for you he said you came to university you've got your three years and now you've just got to go and use what you learned here and and share it with the world he said but you don't have to stay here to make it a success and that was such a freeing mindset and so the reason I left was I realized I wasn't a monk in the in the rules and the obedience in the in the lifestyle you live communally You live in a room, sometimes with 30 people sleeping in a room, sometimes 100 people sleeping in a room.

53:11It was really tough on my health. When you're living in that communal quarters, it's like you've got someone waking up at 2 a.m. who's waking up two hours earlier to meditate and you're waking up at 2 a.m. but you wanna be up at 4 a.m. so your sleep's disturbed because you're sitting right next to someone. You're using communal showers, bathrooms, like all of that space is shared. It was like really tough on my immunity and then food as well. It's not like you're getting to choose off a menu what you eat every day. You eat what you're given. And I started to realize that my body and mind needed far more sensitivity than that.

53:44And so there was also a physical aspect that led to it. And there was a deep burning desire in my heart. I can say this to you. And I was like, there was a deep burning desire in my heart that I want to share what I've learned because if I stay here, all my friends back home, all the people that I know that I grew up with, they'll never get access to any of this because they'll never do this. And we're learning so many incredible things here. But I know my friends at home are struggling and suffering and going through so much, but they don't know how to start. So I felt some accountability and responsibility that even if I share this with the people around me, it would help them.

54:21And I had a desire to share it further, but I never imagined it would get to where it is today. I never in a million years thought it would be where it is today, but I had that. And all those three reasons made me very clearly convinced that I would regret it if I didn't leave, even though I was going to go back to no job,$25 ,000 worth of debt because of my student loan, moving back in with my parents who don't have a lot anyway, and having to figure it out from scratch. I was like, that's better than not living an authentic life. Do you wake up happy or sad? I wake up neither. I wake up feeling purposeful and disciplined.

55:09So there's some days where I wake up and I'm tired and I'd rather stay in bed, but my discipline gets me out because I have commitments that I believe are important and that are going to get me to where I want to be and who I want to be. And it's worth getting up for those. So then sometimes it's a discipline day. And sometimes it's a purposeful day. I wake up and I feel so connected to my purpose. Kind of like today, I knew I was coming to see you today. And I was excited about being with you today and with your incredible team. And I respect what you do so much. So today was a purposeful day.

55:44I didn't have to come here out of discipline. I came here at a purpose that I'm going to get a chance to be myself and share myself with someone and someone that I've heard so many amazing things about through mutual friends that we both respect. And if I can be that, then that will be amazing. And so purpose and discipline are what I try and wake up with as opposed to happiness and sadness because I can't really be happy every day because sometimes I just got to get through the day and get it done. And I'm not generally, I don't experience so much sadness because the emotional mastery training really works.

56:16and you don't want to spend so much time in that space either. You know, the cool thing is you figured out the show without me explaining the show. The show's slogan is discovering the human behind the title. So for me today, it's about who's Jay the human being, the ones that you, you know, people love your snippets and your videos and your podcasts and your book, but who is Jay? And I want people to get to know you and I want, and you'll see those comments usually after. you'll see, I love you, Ji, but now I love you more. I love that. That's beautiful. Because they're connected now. Yes. That you're vulnerable.

56:50You've had tough times. And what I loved about your monk story is you had the pleasure and the blessing to know also what you don't want at a certain time. Sometimes it's so important to know what you don't want. And I think you reached that three years and you're like, I've given it a shot. Yeah. My mission now is beyond or bigger or outside the circumference. And I think what you just answered about purposefulness, you wake up, Jay, and I can relate, is because it's bigger than you. Having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care. Just like the friend who shows up to a housewarming party when you get that dream home, celebrates your big promotion, or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind, State Farm is there to help you feel supported.

57:40They have different coverage options, whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat, or even RV. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important. And with so many coverage options, it's nice knowing you have help finding what fits for you, so you can continue to celebrate all of life's biggest milestones. Go online at statefarm.com or use the award-winning app to get help from one of their local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

58:14This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. Every time I travel, I find a part of myself I didn't know was missing. I remember being in this small town, completely unplugged, and for the first time in a while, I felt still. Travel does that. It grounds you, expands you, and connects you to something deeper. That's why I'm always looking for experiences that go beyond the typical Chase Sapphire Reserve makes traveling a breeze Earning 8x points on all purchases through Chase Travel And granting access to Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide No matter my destination, travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve Discover more with Chase Sapphire Reserve at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA, member FDIC, subject to credit approval, terms apply.

59:27Thousand percent. That's the only way you can get up. If it was just about me, I'd rather stay in bed. But if somebody asks you, how can I be happy? What would you answer them? Don't try to be happy. That would be my honest answer. Don't try to be happy. It's a loaded word which has so many hidden meanings from so much baggage that we have in our mind of what happiness is. Because let's say we took your example, which I love that question you asked, right? If we said to someone, draw what happiness looks like, either people wouldn't know what to draw or what they would draw is what they've seen in a movie or what they've seen in some picture or they've seen in some film or some image.

1:00:12because when people say they want to be happy, my challenge is what does that mean to you? And do you even know if that's good for you? So I'll give you an example. Someone would say to me, Jay, if I said to someone, what would make you happy for lunch? What would you like to have for lunch? Let's go out for lunch. What would you like to have? What would make you happy? That person may say burgers and fries, right? They may say pizza. They may say a sugary drink, like some sort of whatever it may be. Now, that may make them happy, but it's not good for them. It's not actually beneficial. It's not actually healthy.

1:00:51And so what I'm really interested in is, do we want to be happy at the cost of being healthy, at the cost of being nourished, at the cost of being fulfilled? or would we rather be healthy, fulfilled and nourished and happiness will just come anyway because that's a far more sustainable experience. And so I would encourage people to pursue something very different. I would say pursue what's healthy in life. If you're healthy, you'll be happy. I feel that every day. I don't feel like going to work out every day. I don't feel like eating well every day. I always give this example of like, when you wake up for breakfast or you go to lunch or you go to dinner and you see a healthy bowl in front of you, you feel bad before it.

1:01:44You're like, why am I doing this to myself? And then as soon as you finished it, you feel so good. You feel happy. You feel, wow, that was a great choice. I'm so glad I chose the healthy choice because healthy choices make me happy. But now if I did the opposite, if I chose the burger and fries. And by the way, I still eat burger and fries sometimes as well. I'm not saying not to eat burger and fries. But if you choose the unhealthy choice, you're happy in the start. You're happy before it. You look at it and you go, let's get some more fries. Bring the ketchup in. Let's do it properly. You're happy at that time.

1:02:15Then you consume it. Then afterwards, you pay the price. And so I think I always focus on not how I feel before something, but how I feel after. The things that are good for you will feel bad before and good after. And the things that are bad for you will feel good before and terrible after. And so I'm more focused on how can you be healthy? We want mental health. We want physical health. I want relationship health. I want love health. I want friendship health. Like health is more important to me than happiness because health creates happiness. And so I would encourage people to pursue health in their life.

1:02:59Have a healthy relationship with your partner. Have a healthy relationship with your kids. Have a healthy relationship with your body and your mind. Have a healthy relationship with the people you work with every day because health will never let you down. Whereas happiness, you'll constantly keep trying to find it and grab it and hold it but it will it will leave you it will escape you because it's not meant to be found it's meant to be almost felt through being healthy like a byproduct correct yeah like a byproduct but even more like it's like i think yeah when you think of happiness as something to be found you keep chasing this thing that you don't know what it is and you don't know what it looks like whereas when you're healthy you feel happy and and i think that's what it is it's a feeling and And so this, actually, let me throw this out there to break it down even further, to really help people out, to make it practical.

1:03:56So at any point in time, we're doing one of four things. Thinking, doing, feeling, or knowing. We all know what it feels like to think. You're thinking a thought and you repeat thoughts or you change your thoughts. The second is doing. We're doing something. We know what that feels, we know what that looks like, right? We all do something. You're shooting right now. Me and you are talking. I'm talking, you're listening. We're doing something right now. The third is feeling. I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel tired. I feel burnt out. I feel annoyed, angry, upset. We know what it feels like to feel.

1:04:34And the fourth is knowing, which I class as more of like a spiritual, potentially for some people, faith-based, a faith intuition knowing, where there's a knowing I'm in the right place. There's a subtle energy that's guiding you in a certain direction. So we're always doing one of these four things. What's really interesting about our generation is we're trying to change our feelings with more feelings. We're trying to feel different by trying to change our feelings. So we say things like, I don't feel like exercising today, so I won't do it. That doesn't make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.

1:05:14But if I say, I don't feel like working out today, I should do a workout. I should have the thought that working out and exercising will actually make me feel better. Now, when I follow through on that, I do feel better. And so you don't change your feelings with your feelings. You change your feelings through your thoughts and your actions. And we need to start using thoughts and actions to change feelings because otherwise you'll never feel like working hard. You'll never feel like going to the gym. You'll never feel like having an uncomfortable conversation with your wife. You'll never feel like asking your boss for a raise.

1:05:50You'll never feel like doing anything that's hard because your feelings are always going to tell you, no, no, no, don't do it. So we have to change our thoughts and our actions, not our feelings. I don't know if that resonates or makes sense. No, it does. If you could teach children only one lesson, what would you teach them? Oh, these questions, man. This guy. You're a pro, man. You're amazing. That's such a great question. I'm going to be thoughtful about this. Give me one sec. Just one thing, right? Yes, take your time. If I could teach children one thing, it would be to not repeat their parents' trauma.

1:06:26I think that all the challenges in the world that exist today are because we keep passing down trauma. and the trauma we experience from our parents or the people in our lives, our caregivers, we pass on to our partners and our children and then they pass it on to the next generation and then they pass it on to the next generation and it keeps spreading across the world. And so the number one skill I would teach any child is the ability to heal from their own trauma, from their parents as they grow older and help them gain the insight and the healing that means they won't just pass it on to their kids and their partners.

1:07:15Because it's really interesting how we just keep repeating mistakes and keep doing this. And I'll give you a personal example. So when I was a young kid, some of the caregivers in my life, some of the people in my family, they loved me a lot, but they made me feel guilty that I didn't love them back enough. So these adults would love me, but then they would make me feel inadequate that I don't care about them the same, that I don't make them feel as important. And I carried that for so long that when I married my wife, Radhi, for years in our relationship, I did the same thing to her. I loved her, I showered her with love, but then I made her feel guilty.

1:08:02You don't love me the same. I love you more. You don't love me enough. You don't show me you love me enough. And she's there thinking, but I do love you. Like, I didn't ask you to do all these things and I didn't expect any of this. And I do love you. This is how I love you. But when you've been loved in that way, we love people the way people have loved us. And sometimes the way people have loved us has actually not been healthy. And so the love we're now repeating and passing on to other people is unhealthy love, unprocessed love. We're loving people with the same mistakes and the same negativity as the love we received because we've never healed that.

1:08:43And that's what we think love looks like. We think love looks like making someone feel guilty. Subconsciously, we don't actually think that. Subconsciously, somewhere in our heart and our mind, we think love looks like creating drama. Maybe the first boyfriend you had always made you feel insecure and you always had to make it up to him. So now when someone makes you feel insecure and you have to make it up to them, you think that's love. That's how love looks like. Or maybe you had someone who always created drama and so something was always interesting. And now when you date someone and there's boringness because there's peace, you're confused.

1:09:23You're like, wait, wait, wait, this can't be love because love's going to be more fun than this. but we don't realize that that fun was trauma. And so if children were trained as they got older at the right time, how to heal their own trauma, the world would be a much better place because most of the problems that exist in marriages, in parenting between kids and their mother and father is not anything but that. It's not something unique to that. There's a beautiful statement by Russell Barkley Where he said that the people who need the most love Often ask for it in the most unloving ways And I think that is the challenge with our world That everyone is screaming out Reaching out Calling out for love But their way of doing that Is causing pain to others Because they don't know how to ask for love They didn't know how to ask their parents for love They didn't know how to ask their partners for love And now their way of asking Is demanding aggressively Sometimes pressurizing Sometimes exploiting Sometimes taking advantage of And that's only because They were never Loved properly It's scary you know Jamie It is scary If everything in our life is a word And then it's a gap A line and then the first experience is the definition.

1:10:55So if a child still didn't experience love and then his father beat him, love is beating. First definition. And the first definition is very difficult to break or erase. Even if you erase, you'll still see the lines there. So it will take a lot of work. Yeah. Would you say that you were able to break that trauma for you? I would say yes, that I have spent the last couple of decades of my life simply trying to heal, monitor, and navigate any trauma I've had. And you're absolutely right that you don't become fully free of it. It's not like it's all gone and now life's great. I still catch myself making mistakes with my own wife all the time.

1:11:43I had a conversation with her the other day and I was just messaging her afterwards going, I'm sorry, that conversation was all my fault, literally just like two days ago. and it was I realized that I was and it wasn't about something it wasn't between me and her we weren't arguing about something it was almost like there was something that had happened in in our family and we were both taking different sides and I realized the side I took was only because of my own ego it wasn't because of I actually believed it I just wanted to be right about it and I wanted to be seen and heard and felt and understood in a certain way and I went about it completely the wrong way.

1:12:20And I remembered how nicely the conversation had started. And she'd called me up and, you know, we've got crazy time difference right now because she lives in LA, as in we live in LA, but I'm in Dubai right now. And so in that short window we had, like I wasted the call. And so the trauma doesn't go away completely, but you get better at noticing it. You get better at observing it. You get better at limiting it and how often it happens. and you get better at communicating it to your partner. And I'll often say to Radu that, hey, you know, that was just me projecting this thing. I just want you to be aware of that.

1:12:55It wasn't about you. And as long as you understand that, I just want you to get that. And at least it helps you have that conversation. Whereas without you being aware of it, you think you're right, right? You still think that you got it right. What does love mean to you? So I'm like you, I'm very practical and I like to define things less wishy-washy and more like practically what does it mean? So I define love as three things. The first is when you like someone's personality, basic, obvious. If I like your personality, that is one aspect of what love is about to me. It means I like your company.

1:13:36Studies show that in order to call someone a casual acquaintance, you have to spend 40 hours with them just to call someone a casual acquaintance. Now, I think podcasts are different. I think when you spend two hours like this with someone, you accelerate the casual acquaintance for sure. And when you listen to someone's podcast, you accelerate it too. Even if someone's listening or watching us right now and they listen to you every week and enjoy the content you make, they know you deeply as well because they're fully embedded in your life. The study says that it takes 100 hours is to call someone a good friend.

1:14:13And it takes 200 hours to call someone a great friend. So love to me is, can I spend 200 hours with this person in the personality section in getting to understand them? That's the first. And the personality part is, do I take the time to understand? Do I take the time to listen? That's what love includes, not just, you know, I like them. The second thing, this one's really important and I'll define it more specifically. Do I respect their values and do they respect mine? When we talk about respect and we talk about values, in relationships, we want people to value what we value equally to how we value it.

1:15:01That will never happen. There is no one in the world who will equally value what you value in the exact way that you value it, even if you have the same values. And what love is, is I respect you so much for what you value. And you respect me so much for what I value. I actually respect that you are who you are because of what you value. I don't want to change your values. If you want to change someone's values, you don't love them. If you want to change someone's priorities, you don't love them. I have a lot of friends who say to me I'm dating this guy he's not ambitious enough and I want him to be more ambitious and I'll be like well what if he never is more ambitious what if he's happy being unambitious and happy where he's at oh well no no no but he can become more ambitious I know he has it in him yeah but what if he doesn't want to no no no I know he can be And I'm just like, this conversation's unhealthy because that's not love.

1:16:10That's not belief. That's not, you think you're seeing his potential and you're gonna find him and you're gonna be the one to make him the guy he becomes. But the truth is, he doesn't wanna be that for himself. So now, even if he does it for you, at one point, he's gonna figure out he only did it for you. And then he's gonna be upset that he wasted his life becoming someone he didn't wanna be for someone who didn't wanna be with him. And that's what happens to so many of us. We become someone we don't want to be for someone who doesn't want to be with the real us. And if someone doesn't want to be with the real you because if you don't respect that that person is not ambitious but that's what makes them special and if they don't respect you as being ambitious and that's what makes you special, then there's no chance of love.

1:16:56And the final one I was going to say is the third part is am I committed to helping you towards your goals? And are you committed to helping me towards my goals, whatever they may be? Because that commitment that I'm going to help you, I'm going to support you to become who you want to be, to achieve whatever you want to achieve. I'm going to support you and you're going to support me. And sometimes that support means space. Sometimes that support means a call. Sometimes that support means cheerleading you. Sometimes that support means checking you and telling you the truth. Love requires all three of these things.

1:17:32liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and committed to helping them achieve their goals. And they have to have it back if it's two-way love. And I'll give you a real example. A lot of people have been asking me, so the number one question I get asked anywhere I go in the world for my world tour is, where's Radhi? Where's your wife? And I'm like, she's back in LA. And they're like, oh man. And so I go through this thing in life where people are happy to meet me, but then when they know about my wife, I'm a nobody. And she steals all my friends and no cares about who I am. It's a good thing.

1:18:04My wife's amazing. What's really interesting is that a lot of people are like, why is your wife not traveling with you? And I'm like, because she has a purpose. She has a passion. She has a life as well. And if my wife's only job was to follow me around and just be in the audience every night while I'm on stage, sit in a chair right now while I do this podcast, that can't be a fulfilling life for anyone. Just in the same way it wouldn't be for me. Now, my wife's come to some show. She's going to come to the London shows. She's supportive. We talk every day. It's great, but I'm not going to make my wife sacrifice her purpose to support my purpose.

1:18:50Because if I love her, I'm going to be right there supporting her and making sure she has time to do what she loves because that's what makes her special if i take away from her what makes her special i might even fall out of love with her and we forget that we think that if i change this person they'll be more lovable but as you try and change someone you take away the parts you actually even love about them right now correct so yeah man i just you know in order to answer your question i just feel like i don't even know where i started i don't even know what is love what is What is love? Yeah, what is love?

1:19:22I don't know. I repeat a Monica Bellucci article quote, and it's very similar. She's like, don't try to change your lover, your son, your child, because if you do end up changing them, you might fall out of love with them. Oh, wow, I didn't even know that. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it. Wow, that's exactly it. It's like this Photoshop. I want to edit Jay because I have an image of what my ideal husband, brother, friend should be like, so I need to edit you. Yeah. And then when the edit is done, you're like, I don't even like him anymore. Yeah. And I think sometimes the edit also comes out of an ego because I think you should be this way.

1:19:57Correct. You know, is that the reason why you wrote your current book? Yeah, the reason I wrote my current book is so much of what we've talked about today. The reason I wrote it was because I saw that falling in love was such a critical part of whether people were fulfilled in life or not. So I saw people who had amazing professional lives, but if they didn't have a partner or they didn't have love, they felt a bit unfulfilled. And I saw other people who had amazing partners. And even if their professional life wasn't good, they still felt resilient and ready for what the world would bring to them.

1:20:40And I want to caveat that with the real reason I wrote the book was because I wanted people to get to the deeper understanding. And I think this will resonate with you from what you just briefly told me before, is that we compare people we put romantic love as the highest love. So even if you love your kids and your kids love you, even if you love your brother and he loves you, even if you love your sister and she loves you, and even if you love your mom and dad and they love you, you feel, because of the way society has set it up, that if you don't have a partner, that you can't have the ultimate love.

1:21:23But I disagree with that. I actually think that all love is love. Often the love that parents have for their kids is the greatest love that one will ever experience. And if you look at the greatest love stories in humanity, they're not between two people. They're not romantic love. The greatest love between two people is usually one person's sacrifice for humanity, one person's sacrifice for their people, one person's sacrifice for their community, their town, their city, their country. That's sacrifice. That's love. It's not romantic love. We don't talk about in history, like two people who loved each other and how that helped the world.

1:22:03You never hear that story. I can't think of one couple that you think, oh, yeah, when they got together, that changed the world. That made the world a better place. The love that made the world a better place was the love that a few people had for the people in their town that they protected through tough times, through the families that came together when there were floods, when there were famines, when there were wars, when there were hurricanes, when there were tornadoes and tsunamis, like people who came to, that was the love. The love that we all felt during the pandemic when people were trying to help each other, even when it was so tough, that was love.

1:22:36Those were the love stories we told. So let's not live and think if I don't have someone in my life that I'm without love. I have an interesting question that needs your imagination. Go on. It's a cool one. But I need you to close your eyes. Okay. Okay, I want you Jay to imagine empty desert. Easy to do here. Yeah, very. Nothing in this desert. Completely empty and then suddenly you see a cube. Have you done this cube test before? I've never done the cube test. I've done something else but not a cube test. So now in this empty desert you see a cube up here. Can you describe the cube? Yeah, it's white and it's, I'm going to, because it's changing in size right now, but I'm going to, I'm going to say it's white and big, like it's big enough for me to walk into.

1:23:32Okay. And is it on the surface, sunk, floating? It is on the surface. On the surface. Is it transparent or solid? It is solid on the sides, transparent in the part that I can walk into. And then you see suddenly a ladder appear. Where is it? The ladder is on top of the cube pointing into the sky. How tall is it? Is it above 12 steps or less? It is above 12 steps. New or old? It's new. Okay. So it's on top of the cube. And after the cube, you see a horse. Describe the horse. So the horse is a platinum horse. And the horse is very active, like running fast, but also raising on its back legs. And it's a beautiful horse.

1:24:35It's like, you know, I mean, the horse has platinum. So it's pretty, it's pretty spectacular. It's a, it's a, it's a vision. Is it running to the cube, to the, to away? Where is it going? I would say right now it's running around the cube. Okay. After the horse, you see flowers appear. Where? In the round circle that the horse has formed. So it's the cube in the middle, ladder on top, and then there's all these beautiful flowers now around, and then the horse is running around there. Okay. And after the flowers, I'm assuming they're in good health? Yes. The way you described it. Okay. And after the flowers, you see a storm.

1:25:17Where is the storm? All the way in the background. Far away. Is it affecting any of the things? No. Okay. Open your eyes. I've never done that before. Seriously? I'm glad. Yeah, I've never done that before. I've never done that before. So I had no idea. Look, I have you in front of me. Yeah. I'm taking advantage of the time. Yeah, do it, man. Do it. I've never done that. I love stuff like that. And I've never done that before. You're going to love this. Yeah, go ahead. It's called the Kokology Cube Test by a Japanese psychologist. Cool. I love it. Yeah, I love stuff like that. I'm excited now.

1:25:47You can even use it. You'll find it on Google and everything. So the cube is your sense of self or ego. Yours was a medium size. So it's between bold, confident, and willing to be seen. And small, which is introvert, shy, modest, quiet, rather to blend in and stand out. You're somewhere in the middle because it was a nice size you could walk into. Standing on the sand means you're stable, know what they want from life and intend to get it. You're logical and precise. Sounds right. And you're the first one who had a solid and hollow. Okay. So you're between knowing yourself and not easily manipulated and you're very self-assured and still busy discovering yourself.

1:26:28That feels right. That feels fair. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah. Ladder is family and friends. Okay. You've said it. This was interesting because I've hardly got this. Yeah. You said it's fairly new. So most of your friends are fairly new or you don't know each other well because of maybe your new tour and all of the life that you're living now. You said many steps. So you probably enjoy being the social butterfly. You know, a lot of people, a lot of acquaintances, few friends, but also entertain acquaintances. And I would agree with that. I would say that I have a lot of new friends because I've moved country and moved state.

1:27:02So I've had to build new community. Like I've been in LA for five years now. Okay. And so that's a fairly new year. And I didn't know anyone when I moved to LA. So it's been a lot of new community. I have a lot of good old friends that are like my best friends that like, you know, that I grew up with. But yes, I've always kept a tighter circle. Like I don't have a huge circle. So that feels fair. And yes, I have a lot of acquaintances, of course. Higher than the cube. Yeah. Value friends and family very highly and depend on them. Okay. So you said it's touching the cube. So not completely dependent on family and friends, but rely on them for support and guidance at times.

1:27:38Correct. Yeah. I would consider myself to be, as in that's good and accurate. I would consider myself to be quite independent in how I make decisions. But I appreciate the value that friends and family have in life. I wouldn't want to live a lonely life. I don't think that's healthy to disconnect completely in order to be successful or anything. Horse, ideal partner, Radhi. Okay. So you said, it's interesting, you said she was going around the cube. So close to the cube signifies a close relationship. and you said the sturdy, glamorous prancing or a glamorous prancing house. You value outward appearance and want someone that others would also approve of and moving towards the cube, a sign of new relationship or strengthening of bonds of an older relationship.

1:28:27Well, I think rally orbiting makes a lot of sense because we're both connected, but we're both doing our own thing. And so there's like, yeah, that's interesting. That's fascinating. Wow. And the platinum, what is that? It's the beauty. Oh, that's the beauty. You have a very unique partner, it seems, because I've never heard Latin before. Yeah, yeah. The hair, whatever. Radhi is very, like, yeah, she's a very unique person, for sure. Like, I've never met anyone who has judged me as little, criticized me as little, and not wanted me to change as little. I've never met someone like that. I think everyone I'd ever dated before wanted me to change in a certain way, judge me in a certain way, criticize me in a certain way.

1:29:10And to be with someone who's really happy with you being who you are and allowing you to make mistakes and allowing you to rectify them and then you provide the same space back to them. That's the uniqueness that I love the most because it's hard to find that. You know, it's hard to find that. Very. Yeah. She must be very at peace with herself. She is. She's definitely at peace. She's so self-assured. I've never met someone who's like, you know, not insecure in that way. Flowers. Children. Oh, you don't have any yet. Yeah, but still the idea that it was between the cube and her and it was around you, which is both.

1:29:50It's the joint venture, you know? And near the cube shows you wish for a close relationship with your children, future children. Amount of flowers signifies the amount of children you'd like to have. I saw way too many flowers. But I think in my experience with this question is children in general. Yes. You like to be with children because they're pure or what some people don't like. You'd see that he says one flower, two flowers. I also see... You like the company of kids or you've got a long one. I also see what's beautiful about that. And I think you'll resonate with this is, so my monk teachers never had biological children because they're monks and they're celibate and they don't have partners.

1:30:26but they always treated us like they're kids or younger brothers depending on the age difference and i've always found that like my community and my audience i see them as younger brothers and sisters i see them as people who are you know that that feels like that paternal aspect if that makes sense not like a father but like a a sense of being an older brother there's that paternal aspect i have towards even my community and audience because it's like hey i don't need to make the mistakes i've made like you know here's here's what i'm learning like there's that that guidance you want to pass on so i also see that example perfectly as it's not just biological children it's it's people of the world that you feel you want to extend yourself to so i love that last one is the storm fear stress and anxiety vaguely inside or on the horizon you are at more peaceful inner place however the closer the storm the closer they meet the threat and he said it didn't engage with any of the elements.

1:31:20So you consider the threats, any of them, manageable and you have the confidence and ability to resolve them. That is a really cool activity. That's probably the best one that I've heard of. Because I've done some like more simple ones that have been done with me. You have to try this with Radhi before the interview. Yeah, before she sees this. Yeah, yeah. It shows you also how honest a person was on your interview or whatever, because they can tell you their story, but this is subconscious answers. Yeah, I had no idea. I mean, I've genuinely never done that before. And actually, also what I love about it is you don't know what you're being asked about.

1:31:52So I had no idea the horse was Radhi or the flowers were the kids. It's brilliant. It's really good, man. Thank you. Do we do the AB Talks one? The random card. You have it? Ah, nice. Okay, give me. Yeah, let's do it. So this, we just released it. Oh yeah, I love this. Let's do it, man. Okay, wait. Let me just get a bunch and we'll just do one. Yeah. Okay. You're going to get me to pick one. Oh wow, there's a dice as well. Yeah, we'll use the soap. Mix. Yeah. This is cool, man. Alright. I'll just use one. The question is, do you think of yourself as an optimist or a pessimist? Throw this and you have to answer accordingly.

1:32:30Throw it. Throw it? Oh, right. Okay, but not far away. Anyway. We'll read it. Story. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. That's a great addition, man. I've not seen anyone do that. We worked on this for nearly two years. I've not seen anyone do that. That is genius. That's brilliant. That is the best. Okay, guys, you all have to get this box of cards because that is the best one I've seen. I've done cards, but that's a beautiful addition. So pessimist or optimist and story form. Yeah. I know which one it is, but I'm trying to find the story. So I'd say overall optimist. And the story is when Radhi and I got married, I made a commitment to her and a promise to her that we would live within one mile radius from her parents home and I was happy to commit to that and I was optimistic about it and I was looking forward to it our friends live in that area and we like the area and then two weeks after we got married I got an opportunity to move to New York and when I told her about it was heartbreaking for her because she's so close to her family and she wanted to be close to her parents but I was so optimistic about the move.

1:33:40So in 2016, I changed job three times. I got married and I moved country all in one year. And they say that those are three of the most crazy things to do in life. And the only one that we didn't add was have a baby that year. But those are considered to be like three of the most difficult things to do in a year, like change jobs, change country and get married. We did it all within three months. and I was optimistic that I would be okay. Like I was like, yeah, this is going to work out. This is fine. But it's a lot of like, it's very demanding. Like the reality is that I was very optimistic, but it's extremely demanding.

1:34:18So you have to be that optimistic about it because it's hard. It's much harder than it looks. It's much harder than I thought it was. But I'm an optimist. What are you afraid of? I think my honest fear for a long time has been not reaching my potential. Sure. And that's what's spurred me on so much is that I never wanted to live a life. I felt like I got given a lot of gifts and a lot of beautiful mentors, teachers, guides in my life. And my fear would be that I don't, not that I don't live up to what they want because they don't have any pressure, but that I don't feel like I lived up to that potential.

1:34:56But a deeper answer that's coming to me right now as I'm sitting with you is that the thing I would, I'd say the fear I work on the most, I'd like to give that answer if that helps. Because I'm always working on my fears because it feels manageable and a healthy thing to do. The fear I work on the most is getting ready to be able to free myself one day for when all of this goes away, that I'll be able to peacefully let it go, that I'll be able to happily step back and realize that it was a beautiful blessing and a beautiful journey and that I did my part. But then now it's okay to let it go. It's okay to be insignificant.

1:35:40It's okay to be irrelevant. It's okay to be forgotten. That's okay. It's okay. And to allow yourself that peace that at the time of death when it comes that you did your part and you tapped out and that life was about so much more than just this that seems all consuming and all central at this point but my relationship with God my relationship with the universe my service to humanity was always what it was about and it didn't matter what it looked like and how it sounded and what it felt like it was just that I did my part and that I left peacefully I think being able to be prepared for that is the fear I work on the most.

1:36:22It's one of the best answers I've got. If you were on your deathbed, hopefully after a long fulfilling life and you're surrounded with loved ones, people you can imagine now that you want them around you and you had the blessing of saying a few words before you die, what do you think you'd say? I would say don't cry for me. Don't cry for losing me but cry for the people that are in pain right now who are still alive and find a way in your life and in your heart to positively impact just one person. Take your time to extend your life beyond your family and friends to one person out there who may need your love the most right now, someone you may not even know, someone you may have never met, someone who's a stranger.

1:37:16If you could just extend yourself, extend that love you feel for me right now. Extend that love to them. I'm good. I don't need it. Extend that love to just one other person. If you can extend your love to and express your love to one person apart from me with the same love you feel for me, that would be the greatest gift of your love for me. And hypothetically if I could take your heart and place it in front of you what do you think your heart will tell Jay? At that time? Now. Oh now? Just keep speaking your truth some people will like it some people will hate it some people will understand you some people will judge you just keep speaking your truth because that's all you have anyway.

1:38:08And what is something you need more than anything at this stage in your life? What I need most of my life right now is to trust myself just like I trust myself seven years ago when I started this journey that I don't know the path ahead but we'll figure it out. Last one. J in one word. Purpose. Thanks man. Thank you very much. Very amazing. That was really good. I enjoyed this. I loved it. I have a fun one. Go on. If you could choose three people on a dinner table, dead or alive, and they all speak the same language, who would you choose? Because I know you met a lot of people in your life, and maybe you never met, but who you'd love?

1:38:54So everyone I admire is dead. And so it would be Steve Jobs. I've studied Steve Jobs' life for years, and I find him fascinating. And he was very spiritual too. He spent a lot of time with monks in India. And so I have a lot of fascination because he has this incredible East-West paradigm and dynamic in his life. And so Steve Jobs would be at that table. I'd say Nikola Tesla, like Tesla himself, because I think that there's very few people again. So you'll notice all the people I'm picking, they had East and West. Like they were able to see, like he was able to see science but then there was he had a belief in something beyond science and that that's what fascinates me is people who are able to find these synergies in in things that we often see as black and white or opposites but the paradox is the contrast you talked about earlier so steve jobs tesla and yeah i would say i would have to add Martin Luther King because I don't know anyone who like built like you know when you talk about these people what they built like shattered so many generations of thought and so I think what what I'm trying to do in the world is we're and what we're trying to do both of us are trying to do in the world is we're trying to shatter so many myths and misconceptions that exist in the world around people, around ideas, around culture and society.

1:40:27And I don't think, can't think of anyone better than Martin Luther King who did it in such a prolific way and emphatic way that, you know, has made such a difference, long-lasting and broke down something that was so long-standing. So, yeah, those three people. You know what's funny while we were doing the interview? We sometimes move similarly. Really? Like when you're thinking and I'm thinking, I can see we do this. Oh, really? You do too? I always do it. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes you do this and I do this. And I'm like, that's so funny, man. That's so funny. I love that. No, dude, you are phenomenal at what you do.

1:41:10Honestly, like you are so good at what you do. Easily, easily the best interview I've done in a long, long time. And it's because of you. as in and also the the stillness and the presence I feel in this room is really special so I was so present because the environment you guys have all created and the energy that you guys have created it's like you don't see them not move it's real not even cough but I mean it's incredible in here so thank you thank you man honestly I mean that from the bottom of my heart I think it takes two to tango also I could be a very good interviewer but if I'm not dancing I hope you felt that I really get We can easily cook for hours Have you ever had a friend Get really into something And then try to get you into it too?

1:42:08Like doing a detox Going minimalist Or taking up CrossFit Maybe you even got psyched And said Yes, I'm totally doing that But when it came down to it, you never did give up coffee, get rid of half of your stuff, or learn how to do a muscle-up Well, if you felt bad that you didn't follow through, don't worry, the problem wasn't with you, it was with your why The next 7 minutes are about your goals and how to line them up with what really matters I'm Jay Shetty, welcome to The Daily Jay Before we dig into our goals, let's pause and get centered with three deep breaths So take a deep breath in And let it out Flowing in And flowing out gathering up your attention, and landing in this moment.

1:43:24Now let's dive in. A few years ago, a team of psychologists wanted to study what makes people accomplish some of their goals, but not others. They asked subjects to list a few personal objectives they were trying to accomplish. The participants said things like Pay off debt, lose 20 pounds and clean out my closets The researchers had them rate how they were faring And then answer a pretty unusual question Did trying to achieve each outcome Make them feel more or less connected to their true self? The participants were also asked to indicate how much they believed that accomplishing those goals would make other people like or respect them.

1:44:18In the end, the researchers found that when our goals align with what's truly important to us, we're more likely to achieve them. But when our motivation is to make others happy or to look good, the odds are against us doing what we set out to do. Whether it's from parents, friends or even just culture at large It's easy to feel buried under a mountain of shoulds For one, people are often quick to offer us advice Or we see what others are doing and automatically think we must do the same Either way, it's easy to internalize those shoulds and make them our goals I should do yoga I should start a company I should travel more Those objectives may be positive But if they don't align with our values Or what we want for our lives We're less likely to accomplish them And that can derail our confidence Sap our drive Or distract us from what we really want Maybe you came across an article That outlined how every successful person Reads at least 20 books a year And you say I'm gonna do that But two months in You're only halfway through book one Then the criticism starts Why can't I just do this?

1:45:48You think What's wrong with me? But the issue isn't aptitude Or even attitude It's alignment The goal was never truly meaningful to you Of course, it's totally fine to get external inspiration Sometimes what someone else is doing can clue us into our own passions and desires But you might find yourself pursuing something only because you feel like it will increase your status or help you fit in Or perhaps you think it's what you're supposed to do If that's the case, chances are it's going to be an uphill climb And if you do make it up the hill You may not feel as excited or fulfilled as you'd imagined So as much as possible Try to set goals that appeal to your authentic self Line up what you want with who you are And now, with our time today winding down Let's turn to a short meditation Before reflecting on your goals So get comfortable wherever you are Tuning in to the present And leaning in to ease Letting go of distractions, judgments or expectations As you give yourself permission to pause And simply be here in this moment

1:47:29Continuing to settle your mind. Continuing to settle your body. Continuing to embrace your experience of the present.

1:47:46Now begin to become a little more aware of your experience. aware of how you're feeling physically, emotionally, mentally.

1:48:05Aware of any thoughts that may be popping up or aware of the quiet in your mind.

1:48:18Whatever your experience, see if you can observe it with clarity and non-judgment While always orienting yourself toward ease

1:48:36When we check in like this, we start to grow more aware of ourselves and any forces that are pushing or pulling us. Hopefully, ultimately, we can take back some of the control.

1:49:03Now let's open this up. Bring to mind a current goal of yours. Is that objective aligned with your authentic self? Is it something that really matters to you? Or is it assured you've internalized from the outside world?

1:49:33Going forward, can you make sure your aspirations come from you instead of others?

1:49:44Thank you so much for being here today. I hope to see you back again tomorrow.

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1:51:10There. The last one. Enjoy a Coca-Cola for a pause that... refreshes. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.