If Your Life Hasn’t Gone to Plan — This is For YOU! (6 Step Framework To Take Back Control and Build The Life You Want!)

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0:04Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. So your AI agents, they make the team that uses them more productive, right? But if they aren't connected to other agents or your data or your existing workflows, how productive can they really make your teams? Any business can add AI agents. IBM connects your agents across your company to change how you do business. Let's create smarter business, IBM.

0:50Have you ever brought your magic to Walt Disney World like, hey, we came to play? Did you tip your tiara to a Creole princess or get goofy officially? Step up like a boss and save the day? Or see what life's like under the tree of life? Did you? If you could. Would you? When we come through, it's true magic. Because we came to play. Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you to fix it. you'll burn out before life slows down. Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something you allow. And stop gripping the future so hard you're crushing the present.

1:40The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make sure you click the button below so that you never miss a video. Now, today's episode is for anyone who's ever looked at their life and thought, this is not how it was supposed to go. This is not the plan. This is not how I imagined it to be. And I'm sure so many of you can relate to that. This is not what you wanted. This is not what you desired. This is not what you wished for.

2:23And you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job. Maybe the relationship ended. Maybe you're nowhere near where you thought you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you. And before we dive in, I want you to hear this clearly. that doesn't mean you failed. It just means you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for. And sometimes that's where the real story begins. I want you to recognize that you feeling stuck right now is not the end. You feeling stuck right now is not a failure. You feeling stuck right now is not where the story finishes.

3:14By you being here right now, this is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make that shift and it's where you feel the switch in your life. If you follow what I'm about to share in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim ownership over your own life, over your own mind and move in the direction that you want and actually even better. That's what I want you to understand today, that the position you're in right now may not be where you want to be, but it can be the launch pad of something even better. So today, I want to walk you through six science back steps to rebuild your mindset when life takes a turn you didn't expect.

4:04Let's get into it. Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and activate the observer. This is an idea that I learned about during my time as a monk in recognizing the different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice that's always loud, There's the voice that's always certain. And then there's that quiet observer. Now, a lot of people ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right, it can be hard. It can feel like there are a lot of voices. There are a lot of noises going on inside your mind.

4:48How do you decipher? How do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned. Your mind is certain and loud Right? It will say to you Don't do that You'll look like a fool Don't do that at work Everyone will see it Don't speak up Because you might say something stupid It's loud and it's certain But the intuition is quiet And it's curious Hey, maybe you should try that out Hey, you know what? I think you might be really good at that Why don't we follow it? Hey, you know what? You have a really good idea. Everyone may not get it, but it's worth sharing it. Take a moment to notice the different voices that exist within you.

5:38Your inner critic is certain and loud. You will look like a fool. You're a failure. You got it wrong. You're not good enough. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough, very certain, very loud. The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this. In a difficult position, it says, I think we might get out of this if we try this. But the inner critic says, no, don't try it. It's not worth your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck. So here's what I want you to think about. The more you listen to that quiet, to that curious inner voice, the less you'll be affected by that loud, certain noise of the mind.

6:30The reason why the intuition has got so quiet is because it's been ignored. What happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't paying you attention, you shut down. You get quiet. You don't make as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition. It's faded into the background. It's taken the passenger seat. Sometimes from the back of the car, it may whisper, hey, take a left. Hey, take a right. Try this out. But the more we listen to it, the stronger that voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So it's really important, first of all, to know the difference between your inner critic and your mind.

7:14And I would even give them a name. Give them a personality so you know the difference. Right? The reason why we know which friends are good for us and which aren't is because we remember their name. We remember what they look like. The problem is the voices in our head don't have a face. The voices in our head don't have a personality. We have to create one for them. So choose a name for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing you to do what's right. A name that feels like that. And then choose a name for your intuition. That good friend, that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants to help you, who really wants to make a difference in your life.

7:55The next thing we have to do is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love. Something I've noticed about high-performing people having sat down with so many now is that they have two traits. They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense. They wanna be the best. They wanna push themselves. They wanna drive. They wanna succeed in business, in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. and we should all have high standards, if we don't demand high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low expectations of others.

8:39Think about that for a second. If you don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink to the low expectations of others. But here's the most important part. Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them has high grace. The ability to recognize that actually guilt blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift myself by guilting myself. I won't become better by making myself feel bad for too long. It may work in the short term. There's an amazing speech by Roger Federer, where he talked about how when he's playing a point, it is the most important point in the world. But when that point is over, whether he won or lost, that point is the least important point in the world.

9:38That is the difference between high standards and also having high grace. When you're playing the point, when you're in the moment, you take it seriously. When you lose, when things don't go to plan, when things don't go in the way you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this, stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to someone else. Stop being critical in your head just because no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst thoughts just because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak to yourself because no one lives in your head more than you do.

10:25It's natural, I get it. When life doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame and mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better. I should have done more. But here's what research from self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Nelf shows. Self-judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. Think about that for a second. Self-judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases motivation and keeps you stuck in shame. How many times have you done that? You make a mistake and now you're beating yourself up about it. Not just in the morning when you look in the mirror, but at night before your head hits the pillow.

11:10You're constantly replaying that moment you messed up at work. Maybe you weren't the perfect parent today. And all of a sudden, you've gone from wanting to be the perfect parent to believing you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases, your cortisol increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame. You can't shift from shame. So what helps instead? mindful self-observation. It's the shift from I messed up to interesting. This didn't go how I thought. Stop saying I'm not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying what no one sees. You're not falling behind. You're healing in a world that rewards burnout.

12:01You're not the problem, the pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending you're fine. You're not lost. You're just not on someone else's timeline. And you're not stuck. You're processing and that counts. Step number two, let go of the control illusion. One of the reasons why we don't like it when things don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled. We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color-coded spreadsheet, right? And you wanted everything to happen exactly how it was mapped out. That control illusion creates so much resistance in our life. Sometimes the things you can't plan for or control are really big and hard.

12:52And sometimes they happen in the most beautiful way. Have you ever noticed how the best parts of a trip or moments in life are never the ones you actually planned. I think about this one time Radhi and I had everything mapped out, full schedule, that's how I like to function. But someone casually invited us to this gathering. No real dress code, no plan, no agenda. We showed up and it turned into one of the most meaningful nights of the year. No cameras, no expectations, just connection. The kind of night where you forget to check your phone because you're so into it. And then there was another time I was in LA, completely exhausted.

13:28A friend texted me last minute, come to this dinner. I almost said no, but I went and I ended up in a backyard eating amazing food, having a live standup comedy show surrounded by people I'd never met who somehow felt like old friends. That moment wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't plan it, but it stayed with me. It shifted something. That's the kind of travel and moments I crave. not just the sights or the luxury, but those rare unexpected experiences that wake you up a little. We all chase destinations, but what we're really chasing is that spark, that aliveness. And when a door opens to something like that, whether it's a private dinner, a behind the scenes moment, or something you couldn't have found on your own, I'm saying yes every time.

14:17Because in the end, it's not about where you went. It's about how it made you feel. I'm excited to continue this conversation, but first, a word from our sponsors. Unforgettable Adventures with Chase Sapphire. Whether you're booking a much-needed weekend getaway or your next grand adventure, Chase Sapphire Reserve is your ultimate travel companion. Let's talk about the experiences that made those travels unforgettable. Sometimes the most incredible part of a trip isn't just the place, but the unique experiences you get to be a part of. From private dinners with award-winning chefs to VIP access to the world's most exclusive events, Chase Sapphire Reserve brings you those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that turn ordinary trips into extraordinary ones.

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15:46And with Chase Sapphire Reserve, those moments are more accessible than ever before. Curious about how you can gain access to these incredible experiences? Head over to chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve to learn more. Your gateway to the world's most captivating destinations and unforgettable experiences, let Chase Sapphire Reserve be your passport to adventure. I often say to people, you'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion is you have an image you're projecting here and reality is happening down here. And when reality doesn't match your imagination, you think there's something wrong with reality.

16:31As opposed to realizing that in reality, you may get to the result of your imagination, but not through the path of your imagination. So many people don't get to where they want because the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't give up on the result because your road looks different. The path, the road, the journey to where you want to go is definitely going to look different to what you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one in the history of the world who got to where they want to in love, relationships, or their career in exactly the way they planned.

17:19They will all tell you there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes, there were even full-on U-turns. But the control illusion trips each and every one of us up. don't let the control illusion be the reason you don't get to where you want. The control illusion says, well, if it doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm being shown, then nothing works. And what ends up happening is something amazing could be happening for you, but you miss it. It's almost like, imagine you're knocking on a door and you're waiting for it to open.

17:59And while you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you, but you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering why it doesn't open that you miss out on the three other doors that were waiting for you to walk through them. We all do this in our life. We're so busy knocking on this door endlessly that we don't turn around to look at the one that's open inviting us. I have seen in my life time and time again, that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately. And if I would have stayed in that position, that's how I stay stuck. If you feel stuck right now, it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting you in right now.

18:47That's why we feel stuck. We're waiting on the doorstep, going, when will this door open? And you could be waiting seven years and the door may open in seven years, but you don't know. So you stay stuck. You feel stuck. But if you walked into the other door, you could come back out and move into that door in seven years. It will work out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you to fix it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty You'll burn out before life slows down Stop managing everyone's emotions Like it's your full-time job Stop treating peace like a project It's not something you earn It's something you allow And stop waiting for life to make sense It rarely does in real time And stop gripping the future so hard you're crushing the present.

19:46What's meant for you won't need force, just focus. One of the biggest reasons we spiral when plans fall apart is because of illusion control. The belief we should be able to predict and manage everything. But studies from Dr. Ellen Langer Harvard show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety and better performance over time. You can't plan for every twist, but you can decide how you respond to it. The problem is when we try to plan for every twist, we try to be prepared for every pivot, and guess what? Even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder. control the next step.

20:37Control your response, not the whole story. I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and heartbreak you never imagined you would. This feeling you're having right now of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan, may be what opens you up to a bigger plan. We all think our imagination's pretty good. But the universe's imagination far surpasses anything in this limited mind. Just think about the solar system. Think about the planets. Think about nature. Everything is taken care of and everything is provided for. It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of the universe.

21:28Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability to gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may think your vision is big, but the universe's is bigger if you're willing to tap in and tune in.

21:55Circling the block. Park smarter. Park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This week on a very special episode of Health Discovered, we're taking a closer look at a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of men each year. Prostate cancer. I first found out about my cancer at the age of 45. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence. In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection, along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health. Listen to Health Discovered on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app, search Health Discovered and start listening.

22:38I'm Radhi Devlukia and I'm the host of A Really Good Cry podcast. And I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Ury. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author, and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating, that Logan has studied and tested, from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using, to the conversation starters that actually work, and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps. Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need.

23:14relationships do require work. And the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship. Instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Step number three is reframe failure as redirection. You are not a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're in between versions of yourself.

23:55You're not starting over. You're re-entering with better instincts. You're not finished, but you're also not at the start. You're not off track You're off autopilot See, here's the reality Your brain is wired to see failure as danger The amygdala lights up Triggering a threat response But when researchers at Columbia studied How high performers recover They found a pattern They reframe setbacks as information Not identity Stop saying I failed Try this instead This is feedback I didn't ask for But maybe I needed This is information that will help me next time Reframe, well maybe this isn't the right path for me To maybe it's just a long way Maybe it's a different way Thomas Edison famously said I didn't fail 9 ,999 times I just found 9 ,999 times that it didn't work.

25:07That's the shift. If you find the one way it works, do you care that you tried 99 times? I'm guessing not. So reframe each way to be, okay, I just know it doesn't work this way. All right, I just know it doesn't work this way. This is just not the way it works. It works a different way. Let me be open to that. Step four, use the tiny wins framework. When your plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes with it. So how do you rebuild it? Use something known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins, even micro acts, create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation.

25:52There's a reason when you're growing up as a kid, your parents would put lines on the wall to see how far you are growing. Because when you're close to something, you actually miss the growth, right? You may even see that in yourself. Maybe you started working out. Maybe you started walking 10 ,000 steps. And someone sees you and they say, wow, I can tell you look healthier. I can tell you've been taking care of yourself. You're like, no way. I still wanna lose or gain this weight. I still wanna build this muscle. When you're figuring out things on your own up close, you'll never feel like you're growing.

26:26and that's why we don't grow because we're looking for the big wins, not the small ones. So here's a question. What's one small thing you can complete today that brings you closer to what matters? For example, let's say your business failed. Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a 20-minute brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback. Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying to find love and convince yourself that love still exists, you're just gonna do something where you enjoy your own company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me say that again.

27:06Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While you're waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you more is the small movement. Just start. Start small, start shaky, start unsure, Start before you're confident. Start before it makes sense. Start with what you have, not with what you wish you had. Start ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect, but make sure you start. Step five, this time expect the plot twist. What people don't realize is that as you start building, as you start growing, you start to think that everything's going to plan. And here's what I realize. So many of us are surprised by the plot twist that we shock ourselves into paralysis.

28:06I saw an amazing post the other day on social media and it showed two sets of water cups. The top water cups all had the equal amount of water in them. And on top it said, this is what we think consistency looks like. On the second line of water cups, one was half full, one was three quarters full, one was a quarter full. And it said, this is what consistency actually looks like. We think when we're in the zone, every day is going to be the same. I'm going to work out five days a week every week for 12 months. The reality is one week you may work out three times, the next seven times, the next four times, the next two times, the next five times.

28:53That's what consistency actually looks like. But when you hold on to that plan of five days a week, perfect workouts, you actually feel further and further away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to positive psychology research by Dr. Sonia Lubomirsky, people who are happier long-term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They can hold multiple truths at once. So for example, stop saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking this wasn't the plan, but it might be part of something better. This is the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan, but this might lead to something better. All of a sudden the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind.

29:43All of a sudden you see the possibilities not just the pain. You're not negating. You're not disregarding what you're feeling. There can be grief, there can be stress but you're opening up this vision. Think of the best people you admire. The ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes, sometimes the plan not working is the plan working. Sometimes things going wrong is actually them going right. Sometimes things that look like a curse end up being the blessing if you are open to see it, if you're open to view it, if you're open to the possibilities and opportunities.