⁠If You're Tired of Wasting Time on the Wrong People — THESE 9 Dating Questions Will Save You Years of Heartbreak!

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1:40There have been times I opened up a group chat and saw 200 messages. And by the time I caught up, I still didn't know what the plan was. Well, WhatsApp can help. First, you can message privately with everyone. And you can edit messages, create polls, do pin messages, and send invites. Plus, photos and videos look better. It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone. If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship, it's because you might already know the answer. But that's not a good reason. It's better to have the truth Than a lie that feels better than the truth A lot of us will accept lies in a relationship Lies that we've made up in our mind and our head Because we don't want to face the truth But the truth allows us to move forward Being in a healthy relationship Isn't just about chemistry It's about clarity The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Shetty Jay Shetty He won I'm the only Jay Shetty.

2:52Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty and welcome back to On Purpose. Today we're talking about something no dating app can teach you. The conversations we're avoiding in modern dating. That could save us from wasting years on the wrong people. Now, I get it. We're always worried. We're scared. What if I talk about this? What if I bring it up? What if I start having this conversation? People are going to get turned off. People are going to reject me. Well, here's the reality. It's better to be your honest, authentic self and have someone reject you than to become the version they want just so they can accept you.

3:34So many of us mold, we hesitate, we second guess, we change ourselves just for someone to stay. Not realizing that what's the point in wanting someone to stay by changing who we are when they'll leave when they discover the reality. We all go through this. We avoid the real questions, right? Not because we don't care, but because we're afraid of what the answers might mean. But here's the truth. If you want real connection, you need real conversations. So today I'm giving you powerful questions that most people avoid when dating, but absolutely shouldn't. And for each one, I'll break down why it matters, what the science says, and how to ask it in a way that doesn't make things weird.

4:29And I know what you're thinking. Jay, if I ask this on a first date or a second date, I'm not going to get a third. Well, here's the reality. You don't have to ask this on a first or second date. I just hope that you ask these questions at some point in the dating process so that things don't go too far and you actually save yourself from those surprises and shocks later on. Here's the reality. If you're dating right now, these are great questions. If you just moved in, these are great questions. If you just got engaged, these are great questions. Or even if you're married, this is a great conversation to have.

5:07Don't avoid these at any stage of the relationship because they will transform your communication ability. What I find for a lot of couples is by the time they've committed to being together, they're actually not aware of how good they are at having difficult conversations. And the truth is, they're not very good at them because they've either tried to avoid them, put them on the back burner, had an argument, and then just swept it under the carpet. This will ensure that before you're with someone deeply, you actually know what you're getting yourself into. The first question is, what does a healthy relationship look like to you?

5:49Most people assume love will just click. But talking about what respect, space, trust, and support actually look like helps avoid unmet expectations and silent resentments later. Now, the reason we avoid this question is because we assume love should be effortless. We assume that love should just flow. We assume that if someone loves me, it will be healthy. But here's the reality. Just because you love someone, it doesn't block unhealthy behaviors. So don't assume that, hey, if we have positive feelings toward each other, we already have a healthy relationship. You can love someone and have bad communication.

6:34You can love someone and have unhealthy habits Someone can love you and still talk to you poorly Because these are skills and habits that no one has ever been taught It matters because it builds shared language around emotional needs A lot of our language around emotional needs feels like Oh, you're just being needy Oh, you just need a lot of attention Oh, you're just high maintenance Right? These are the things we think of when someone shares what they want in a relationship. Today, it's often misconstrued as being needy, wanting too much attention, or actually, further than that, being someone who's high maintenance.

7:19And the reality is we never got the opportunity to build a shared language. Research shows that clarity around emotional needs and communication styles leads to longer-lasting partnerships. That's research from the Gottman Institute. A healthy relationship makes you feel more like yourself. An unhealthy one makes you forget who that even is. A healthy relationship gives you space to grow. An unhealthy one makes you shrink to fit A healthy relationship holds you through the hard days An unhealthy one makes you feel like you're too much for having them A healthy relationship brings you peace An unhealthy one keeps you addicted to chaos A healthy relationship challenges you with kindness An unhealthy one criticizes you into silence A healthy relationship helps you trust your voice An unhealthy one teaches you to doubt it A healthy relationship reminds you of your value An unhealthy one makes you fight to prove it When you answer the question what does a healthy relationship look like to you?

8:53Someone may say time. Someone else may say freedom. Someone else may say constant connection. If you haven't had that conversation, you don't know what you're signing up for. So many of us are subscribing to relationships. We're pressing the follow button without actually knowing what the terms and conditions are. When you ask these questions, you actually understand what are the terms and conditions of this relationship. What are the small print? What are the messages that are hidden, that are lost in between the lines? So many of us have no idea whether our partner's views on a healthy relationship are the same as ours.

9:41We just assume they are. We assume that if we think a healthy relationship is time, values, and respect, then everyone must think that way. But we don't know what their relationship was like with their parents or what their parents' relationship was like or what background they come from and what the word healthy means to them. It's like saying to someone, what is a healthy workout regime? If you come from a family where working out and staying healthy and fit was really important, you'd say five days a week. If you come from another type of family, you'd say, hey, being healthy just means going on a walk once a week.

10:18We all have really different ideas of what healthy means. And that applies to love as well. Question number two to ask when you're dating is what are you afraid of when it comes to commitment? Not everyone fears commitment for the same reason. Some fear losing freedom. Others fear repeating the past. We avoid this question because we don't want to scare someone off or admit our own fears. But here's why it matters. It opens the door to healing, not hiding. See, for a lot of us, we hope this person wants a committed relationship. We're wishing, wanting, waiting for this dating situation to turn into exclusivity.

11:06And when we don't have this conversation, what we set ourselves up for is another false expectation around what commitment means. Being in a committed relationship isn't about constant excitement. It's about showing up, especially on the boring days. It's not always filled with butterflies. Sometimes it's choosing to talk it out instead of walking away. It's not texting 24-7. It's feeling safe in silence. It's not agreeing on everything It's learning to disagree without disrespect It's not proving your worth every day It's knowing you're valued even on your worst ones It's not about losing your independence It's about having someone who respects your space And still shows up for you It's not perfect, it's practiced It's not effortless It's chosen again and again I think when you raise this question You're raising it not from the perspective of I need you to commit right now I think the reason why these conversations are actually difficult Is because we postpone them till they're critical Rather than when they're a conversation Think about that for a second We postpone critical conversations To when they are urgent as opposed to when they would just be a question, right?

12:38So we wait till things are really bad. And so when you ask the question, it feels like pressure. When you ask the question, it feels like you're pushing them. When you ask the question, it feels like they have to make a decision. So when you say, hey, what do you struggle with with commitment? They're thinking, wait, you're projecting that onto me. You're telling me I don't want to commit. You're telling me you want me, need me to commit right now. And that puts the person on the defensive. So even when you frame these questions, it's really important to say, you know, I really think that having an open dialogue about what commitment means to us is really important.

13:12And I wanna know, and I wanna share as well, what commitment means to me. Commitment means to me monogamy. It means loyalty. It means not criticizing each other in public. It means being honest with each other, right? Whatever that may mean. And now all of a sudden, it's not a conversation to say, so when are we going exclusive? So when are we moving in? So when are you proposing? Right, that's when it's a bad question. These questions will be perceived as bad questions when they feel like you're asking another question. That's the worst type of question to get. When the person on the receiving end knows in their head that you're actually asking a completely different question.

13:50What you're asking is, when are we getting married? You're not really asking, what are your thoughts on commitment? The question you're really asking is, so when are you proposing? It's an ultimatum. it's not understanding, right? When you ask a question that's actually an ultimatum, it actually disconnects you from that person. And of course, this applies in work, it applies for family, it applies for friends, but we see it the most in love. Don't use these questions as a mechanism to get someone to propose, move in, or get married. Use them as a real method of connection, understanding, and building a common platform to build a healthy relationship from.

14:32Don't wait till things are extreme to start these healthy conversations. Question number three to ask while you're dating is how do you handle conflict? Most people discover the answer during a fight, but asking early can prevent blowups, shutdowns or walking away when things get hard. Now, me and Radhi went through this as well and we didn't have this conversation. I wish we had asked this question when we started dating. We discovered it much later. What I found out years later was that when we had a conflict, I wanted to talk it out and Radhi wanted to hide. I wanted to fix it and solve it right now.

15:16I wanted to share everything and put it on the table. She needed two days to process it. And for years, I used to feel I cared more about the relationship because I was right there ready to solve it. And in my head, I would make up this story that she didn't care because she was retreating or hiding in the bedroom. So I'd say, look, you don't care as much as I do. Look, I'm standing right here ready to solve it. You obviously don't value the connection. And she'd be thinking the same thing. She'd say, how can you have a conversation when you haven't digested it? How can you fix it when you haven't had time to reflect?

15:52I care more because I'm actually thinking about it. I'm actually processing it. I'm actually working through it. It's amazing how you can both be saying the same thing, but reflecting it in different ways. That's when I discovered, and I wrote about this in my book, Eight Rules of Love, the fight languages. Venting, hiding, and exploding are the three fight languages. A venter wants to fix, solve, and talk right now. A hider wants time and space to reflect. And the exploder wants to put emotional blame and stress. Now here's the reality Our fight styles can be transformed And can be improved But initially we need to know What we need in conflict And when you have this conversation When you're not fighting That's when you win If you can talk about how you fight When you're not fighting You will both win the argument When it comes to it But if you only talk about a fight When you're in the fight You will both lose Talk about conflict before it arises So many couples say Oh we never fight We never argue We don't have those issues Still talk about it Because there will be an issue There will be a disagreement That will lead to an argument Or whatever it may be And that's when you will have hoped You trained when you weren't in the fire You don't train for a championship game In the championship game You don't train for the final in the final You train for it months and weeks before So that you're prepared When it comes to difficult conversations Arguments or disagreements Train before you get to them Now we avoid this because it feels negative To bring up problems early, right?

17:44We're like, I don't want to be the one to ruin it Things are going so well But that's short-term thinking If things are going well Having this conversation will only make them better. Think about that. If this is your person, having this type of conversation will only make the relationship better. It will actually save you from getting far down the line and then all of a sudden having a moment and going, wait, things are going so well. I thought we really got along. I thought we were really, really happy. Yeah, you were because you hadn't had a conflict yet. And because you haven't discussed how to deal with one, now it's tripping you up.

18:23This really matters because love isn't built on avoiding conflict. It's built on handling it with respect. Love isn't built on never having an argument. Love is built on knowing how to navigate one. Love isn't built on never having a disagreement. It's built on having a disagreement without disrespect. Love isn't built on always being happy It's built on knowing what to do When your partner and you feel unhappy Love isn't built on solving things At the same time, at the same pace It's built on knowing when to give space And when you need some yourself Because remember this The right person fights with you Not against you The wrong one turns every disagreement into a scoreboard The right person listens to understand The wrong person listens to win The right person makes hard conversations feel safe The wrong one makes you afraid to speak up The right person holds space for your feelings even when they don't agree.

19:50The wrong one uses your feelings against you. The right person works through it, not around it. The wrong one leaves things broken and calls it peace. Here's the reality. You are not going to meet the right person. You are going to become the right person and they're going to become the right person because you're open to this process. If you try and find someone who ticks everything I just said, you will fail. I wasn't the right person before I met my wife. She wasn't the right person. We became the right people because we were willing to do the right things. Think about that for a second. You and your partner will become the right people for each other because you make the choice to do the right things, to have the hard conversations, to have the difficult interactions, to have the disagreements, to prepare for that, to have a plan for that.

20:50That's how you'll get there. Don't sleep on that one. I have so much more to share with you, but we're just going to take a short break for our sponsors and I'll be right back. Having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care. Just like the friend who shows up to a housewarming party when you get that dream home, celebrates your big promotion, or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind, State Farm is there to help you feel supported. They have different coverage options, whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat, or even RV. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important.

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21:53Okay, I'm going to assume that everybody messages their friends. I'm also going to assume you've run into some issues when messaging, especially during group chats. I know I have. One time I sent a message way too fast, full of typos, and everyone had to guess what I was even trying to say. WhatsApp can help. First, you can message privately with everyone, even if you're all using totally different phones. It just works. Sent a message too fast and instantly regretted it? No problem, just edit it. And when the chat gets a little too intense, you can switch to a group video call and actually talk it out.

22:31Photos and videos come through super clear, and messages get delivered without weird gaps or delays. Plus, WhatsApp has so many great features like polls, pinned messages, and even event invites with RSVPs so planning stuff doesn't just turn into a mess. I mean, it just makes a lot of sense. It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone. This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose. And if you've ever felt like you've lost touch with yourself, try changing your surroundings, even for just a few days. Delta recently invited four creators to do just that. Two trips, one question. What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion?

23:17In Seattle, they focused on routine and self-care, gym time, grounding walks, and meditation. In Copenhagen, they let go, biking, saunas, and embracing the moment. And what surprised them most? Their usual stress faded. They felt clearer, calmer, more connected. And Oura Ring data backed it up. Based on their Oura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested. And their bodies moved more, without even trying. Travel gave them space to practice self-care. And not restriction, but balance. And the best part? That sense of well-being didn't end when they got home. With Delta, fly and live better.

23:58Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel I hope you learned about some of our incredible partners Let's jump back in Question number four to ask when you're dating What are your long-term intentions right now? Not everyone is dating for the same reason But most people assume they are Until someone ghosts or gets blindsided We avoid this because we don't want to come off too intense But hey, is it better to come off intense And lose someone who doesn't want to be in there for the long term Or be casual with someone and hope it goes well Here's why it matters If you're afraid to ask You might already know the answer Let me say that again If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship It's because you might already know the answer But that's not a good reason It's better to have the truth Than a lie that feels better than the truth A lot of us will accept lies in a relationship Lies that we've made up in our mind and our head Because we don't want to face the truth But the truth allows us to move forward Being in a healthy relationship isn't just about chemistry It's about clarity It's not just about who you're drawn to It's about knowing where they're headed And if they want you there It's not asking what are we months in It's knowing from the beginning what you both want It's not reading between the lines It's having the courage to read the truth out loud It's not hoping they'll change their mind It's respecting what they told you from the start It's not pretending you're okay with casual when your heart wants commitment.

25:59It's being honest about what you're looking for, even if it scares them away. It's not playing it cool. It's being clear with yourself and with them. Because love without direction feels exciting until it feels lost. And connection without clarity isn't romance. It's confusion. Question number five to ask when you're dating. What does emotional availability mean to you? Someone can text daily, be romantic, and still be emotionally unavailable. Define what openness, vulnerability, and safety really look like for each other. Now, we avoid this because we mistake consistency for connection. We also avoid this because we know we want an emotionally intelligent relationship, but we don't want to come across that way, right?

26:58We want to be seen as cool and relaxed and casual, but really we want to know what these words mean. And we feel, wait a minute, I'm setting myself up for failure here, coming across as a dork or a geek. But what ends up happening is you end up in an emotionally unintelligent relationship because you never had any emotionally intelligent conversations. If you're scared of having an emotionally intelligent conversation with your partner, chances are you have an emotionally unintelligent relationship. Because if you're willing to have that conversation, it shows that you respect that person's emotional capacity and capability.

27:35If you're not, you're saying it might not exist. This matters because availability isn't how they show up in your phone. It's how they show up in your life. Emotionally available people make space for your feelings, even when it's uncomfortable. They call back when conversations get hard. They say how they feel, not just what you want to hear. They don't disappear when you need depth. They can hold their own emotions and respect yours too. Emotionally unavailable people, they keep things vague so they don't have to be honest. They show up for the good parts, then vanish when it gets real. They avoid labels, responsibility, and anything that sounds like commitment.

28:31They flirt with your potential, but won't build anything solid. They make you guess how they feel And call it taking it slow Now here's the interesting thing When someone's honest with us But we don't like their honesty We see them as bad It's also on us to receive honesty with openness If you block your partner Every time they're honest with you Guess what? They're going to be dishonest with you People learn dishonesty because sometimes their honesty is not received. If someone opens up to you about something and they don't feel you were open in receiving it, they now close the door. They're going to lie to you.

29:19They're going to make things up. They're going to find other excuses because they feel you don't want their honesty. Allow yourself to be someone that invites honesty even if it's uncomfortable. Question number six to ask while dating. How do you recharge alone or with people? Introvert versus extrovert isn't just a personality type. It's a lifestyle. And dating someone with a different rhythm without awareness can lead to guilt, pressure, or unmet needs. We don't realize so often in a relationship, someone will say, you don't like me. You don't want to spend time with me. And all that person's actually saying is, I love spending time with you.

30:05but I recharge alone. I love seeing you, but I recharge by myself. I enjoy every moment we spend together, but I'm someone who needs alone time. But we assume that someone's alone time is a reflection of them not wanting to be with us rather than how they recharge. It creates a sense of uneasiness. It creates a sense of distrust. It messes up the freedom and independence dynamic. And we avoid this question because it feels too minor to matter. This isn't one of the big ones. This is one of those silent killers in relationships. You keep nagging the other person, you keep wanting their time and energy, and they just want to be alone.

30:49And you see that as a sign of them not wanting you, but the reality is that's how they recharge. This is why it matters. Energy mismatches cause more conflict than most people expect. One of my clients, let's call her Amy, she was 29 years old, swiped right on Chris, but after date two felt overwhelmed. He wanted a dinner party. She wanted solo Netflix. She thought she disliked him until she realized she wasn't anti him, just in need of quiet. A simple question cleared the air. Introverts recharge solo Extroverts recharge through social connection Introverts will choose a night in Extroverts will choose a night out Introverts will choose time alone Extroverts will choose time with others It's all about how you recharge Recognizing this prevents misreadings and resentment early So try this On date three, ask What recharges you more?

32:00A big night out or a quiet night in? Watch how their answer helps you both skip future mismatches It's actually a fun conversation too Which one would you choose? Question number seven to ask when dating What does being ready for a relationship mean to you? People say they're open to love But everyone defines readiness differently Some mean emotionally healed Others mean financially stable Others mean bored and lonely We avoid this because we're afraid of hearing I'm not ready for anything serious We're so scared of hearing those words That we'd rather pretend to ourself That this casual thing will become serious Then move on from the casual thing and find something serious.

32:54It's better to leave a casual relationship if you want a serious one than to stay in it pretending it will become a serious one. Because chances are, if that person has told you they don't want anything serious, you're not gonna be someone who's going to change their mind. We all wanna be the person to change that person's mind. And we're scared that they're gonna change their mind for the next person. Well, you're not that person. You're not the next person. And that's okay. Here's why this question matters. It helps you understand if you're dating a partner or a placeholder and how much time you want to waste.

33:37I remember working with a client. I'll call them Jordan and Mia. And they had sparks. They were doing so great. And then they had this disagreement that came when they were traveling for a weekend trip. Jordan shut down Mia kept pushing And it almost ended And then I'd ask them to ask this question Only when Mia asked him To share how he processes tension Did they create a code word To pause and reconnect Instead of fight And here's what the science says The emotional availability framework Shows that conflict handling styles deeply shape relationship satisfaction. So try this today. On a low stakes disagreement, ask, when you're obsessed, what helps?