JAKE SHANE: “I Was Scared People Would Find Out Who I Am”

21:35Jay Shetty:Like whether I see you at a party, an event, whether we're texting, whatever it is, like you're always the same. You're always the kindest and the sweetest. Thank you, I appreciate it. And you're a good person. You're a good guy. Thank you. For whatever it's worth. I did need to hear that, so thank you. I'm throwing it out there. Thank you. As you said, you share so much of your life online. You're having to be a bit more careful, especially in the dating area. What's something that you think you're discovering about yourself that you haven't yet fully talked about publicly? Like things that are new things that are coming up where you're like, oh, I kind of just discovered this last weekend and I want people to know about it.

22:08Jay Shetty:Or I'm learning this new thing about myself that people might be surprised to know. I love sitting in the shower. Sitting in the shower. Yeah. And laying down in the shower. So what, do you take like a stool? No, I just sit on the ground. So how long will you sit in the shower for? 30 minutes. Wow. And what do you do? Just listening to music. Okay. I think what I discovered lately about myself is that writing stuff down is so fun because nobody can get that get to it besides you there's no computer bug that can get inside your computer and get what you're writing like that is on paper like that is for you like those are your journal is really like your brain like it is so like unless somebody came into your room and took your journal out and started reading it which feels way more invasive than like a computer bug yeah because i feel like as a society we're accustomed to people like hacking other people And like, that's always like a fear I've, that I've had, which I know is an OCD thing, but journaling, I've really, really been journaling a lot lately.

23:08And I've discovered that that's really, really good for me. And that weed probably isn't.

23:15Jay Shetty:This seems to be like a running trend right now. This discovery that weed is not good for you. Yeah. And I've also discovered that when I'm feeling confident about myself, my body is shaved. I like groom myself properly. Like I take care of myself. And when I'm not, it's like not. And I feel gross. And how's that connected to weed? Because when I'm smoking more, I feel gross more often. Right. I got my brain scanned by Dr. Daniel Amen. I don't know if you've ever done that. I've heard of him. I want to do it. My friend's done it. You should definitely go and do it. Because I think he'll be able to talk to you about at least what weed's doing to your brain.

23:47Jay Shetty:I know. And then you'll be able to see the difference. Then that visual kind of like sticks in your head because you're like, oh, wow, like that's what's going on. Well, when we talked, I think I was sober from weed. I don't think I was smoking. at the time interesting what took you back to it i wanted to look cool in front of this person and so i started smoking again and it just slowly but surely it was like but it makes me so creative yeah i make my like funniest i get really i get there's like 20 minutes of like like where like no one can tell me shit and like i am the funniest person in the world to myself yeah and i'm almost brought back to like the days of like where i was first posting on the internet and like that type of humor that I elicited.

24:33And that's like kind of what I love about smoking weed. But then there's the 20 minutes after that where I feel like shit.

24:39Jay Shetty:Yeah. Is that where all the dance videos are coming back? Yeah, I'm always high when I'm dancing. I'm always high. That's so good. And yeah, I mean, that's a great conversation to have with someone like Dr. Daniel Layman, actually, I feel like, because he knows the benefits of the creativity, but they know everything else that you're feeling. And it's a fascinating thing. I want to go back to the general thing, because I think what you're saying is I feel like as your life gets more public, your private life becomes more important. And I always say to people, I'm always like, my private life's better than my public life.

25:11Jay Shetty:So if someone thinks my public life is good, which I think it looks good, I'm like, my private life is way better. And I keep it to myself because you almost need, it's a weird one because you're like, I've built my whole career on sharing everything and that's what's been so cool. but it's almost like there is a beauty in having something that's just yours yeah that's what your journal represents yeah and i always kind of had this like false dream of like celebrity and what that meant and i always thought it was cool when someone was so wanted to know about your private life and i think i'm coming into realizing that it's not this glamorous thing that i've built up in my head for people to like speculate on your private life in this like I always grew up thinking that it was like so cool like all these like women people would be like who are they dating what's going on with them and I always thought it would make me feel more attractive almost if people like wondered about who I was dating but then if someone wonders about who I'm dating and they think that I'm too ugly for that person then that like you know I didn't think about the downside.

26:22I don't know if I'm making sense.

26:23Jay Shetty:That is making so much sense. But what's so fascinating about it is that when you're consuming that content, like if someone's on Instagram and they see, oh, so-and-so is dating or whatever, like, oh, is this person good looking enough for this person? Whatever it is, right? If someone sees that, we all love that, right? Like we will get addicted to it. We're talking about it with our friends. We're like, can you believe so-and-so are together now? Like whatever. But when you're going through it, it's the worst experience in the world. I've coached so many of my clients through public divorces or moments or whatever it may be.

26:54Jay Shetty:And I will say it right now, like those people, no matter how rich they are, no matter how much, how famous they are, no matter how successful they are, having your divorce or breakup happen publicly is not easy and not fun in any way. And it doesn't matter how much money you have. So what I'm hearing is I agree with you. I think when you hear about people, you're like, oh, they're so desirable. They're so, you know, mysterious. And that's so cool. And then when you're the mysterious, desirable one. And I don't think I've ever really been that, but I've had moments where I've maybe hopefully felt like that.

27:26And then, but I immediately feel the downside. And I think, and I've always struggled with this is I want everyone to like me always. I can't take when someone doesn't like me. It was always hard for me to not have people like me in my personal life. But then when that's your job as well and people don't like you and you kind of just have to like keep it moving with and you can't like when i grew up if someone didn't like me i would try to handle why they didn't like me but when you're a public figure and you're putting out a show someone doesn't like you you can't address every single person that doesn't like you you have to just keep it moving yeah i think that's what i've been trying to i've been struggling

28:02Jay Shetty:with yeah i i remember that when when i feel like i first came into more notoriety or people being aware of who I was. And I wanted to like sit every person down who didn't like me. And I wish I could like set a day where I just sat with each person one-on-one and like held their hands and looked into their eyes and was like, let's talk because I want to, but you can't do that to millions of people on the internet. And now I've just realized it's all mathematics. I always say to people, it's all just math. It's like, if you get, you know, a million views, there'll be 10 ,000 people in the world who don't like you.

28:37Jay Shetty:If you get a billion views, you will have a million people in the world who don't like you. And if you get a hundred billion views, you'll have a hundred million people who don't like you. Like it's just math, right? It's not complicated. It's almost like just about the volume and scale that you operate at. And it's natural. And that's the hard truth about it, where it's like, it just gets bigger, the more big you get. Whereas we think, oh, the bigger you get, the more loved you are. And it is, that's true. You are more loved, but there's a proportionate amount of people that are now just not fans of yours.

29:07I think it makes the love harder to believe though. Like if someone used to come up to me and compliment something I did, I would say, thank you. And now sometimes I find myself saying like, really? Like you like not to be like pick me, but I'm like, oh, you really liked that when I said that? Like you really enjoyed that? And they're like, yeah. And it's like, because I read something negative about it, like it makes it harder to believe.

29:32Jay Shetty:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I personally think, and obviously you're talking to your therapist about the therapist about this, which is amazing. But I honestly think that's because of our inability to properly receive good feedback and comments and compliments. It's like, we don't have the presence to be really slow and thoughtful when we read a positive comment. We don't really drink it. We don't really take it in. Whereas if someone reads a negative comment, we will analyze every word in it and like read it backwards and three times over and send it to a friend and it becomes this big conversation. I always say to people that you remember the bad times more than the good times, because when something bad happens, you cry for a month.

30:14Jay Shetty:And when something good happens, you celebrate for a day. And we all know what that feels like, right? If you win, you'll have one party and then tomorrow you get back to work. But if you go through a breakup, you will cry for three months and that will stay with you. And so we just deal with negativity with so much more depth than positivity. But do you get involved in internet drama? I never get involved because I think it's a cheap shot to get involved. I think it's a very easy way for people to talk about you. I don't need to give my opinion on anything. I don't need to let you like that's not what I'm here for.

30:56And if I were if I were to be doing it, I'm not shy in saying that I love to gossip, but I don't need to gossip on the internet publicly because it will hurt someone's feelings and it will show my face to more people. And I think that that's a very cheap way to get yourself out there. Does that make sense?

31:17Jay Shetty:That is the best answer I've heard on it. Really? Okay. I think it's a cheap shot. Yeah. At the end of the day, I really do. I love that answer. There's been times where I've been like, I want to talk about this. I want to talk about this. But I'm like, you know what? Like there is more to me than just gossiping. Gossiping is for when we stop recording and we start talking just us two, because that's the beauty of gossip. I guess it's the idea of like, I don't want to be followed for gossip. Right. I want people to be like, I follow him because he's funny and he makes me feel better. Yeah. Not like I get my news from him.

31:51And there are places for that. But I just, that's not, that's never been my journey.

31:55Jay Shetty:Yeah. It's not the offering you want to put into the world. And I like that answer because I think it can be tempting when something feels like we know everyone's obsessed about it. I think we now live, we also live in a really interesting time that I discovered was whenever there was something viral about someone happening, whether it was an article, someone getting canceled, whatever it was, these companies are now sending reports to every podcaster on their network and saying, do this because it will get clicked. Really? Yeah. Oh, see, I don't know that because I'm independent. So am I. Yeah, so I don't know that.

32:28Jay Shetty:So I discovered this when it was happening to me, but it was like, basically what was happening was every time there was something about someone who was well-known that was not great, that company is sending a report saying, do this topic because it will get clicks. And so half the time people are talking about stuff, not even because they care or have an opinion, but because their company or their network or whatever it is has told them that will get clicks. Right. Which is a crazy thing to think about where it's not even something you're thinking about or care about that much, but you're diving in because you've been talking.

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34:53If you've ever blasted synth beats from your boom box or burn CDs for your besties, this one's for you. As people get older, much like their music tastes, their health needs change. AG1 is the simple daily health drink designed to deliver over 75 essential daily nutrients and pre and probiotics to support energy, digestion and mood. So you can make the most out of every decade and dance break. Learn more at drinkag1.com. old what do you think about cancel culture cancel culture exists to me because when you get likes on a video likes on a post likes on anything it feels good there is no rhyme or reason that chemically feels good that is like a scientific fact so regardless of what you are saying is complimentary about someone or negative about someone like for example when i was doing my skits my improv skits and they were getting a lot of likes.

35:49The reason I kept doing them is because it was fun, but it was also doing well. So if you're making videos negatively about someone else and they're doing well, everyone is going to start making videos. It's like a virus.

36:03Jay Shetty:You have a lot of people now saying a lot about people that they know very little about. Yeah. That's the fascinating part. Right. Is that we're reading into like a tiny paparazzi picture, one second of a conversation, and then drawing these massive conclusions based on people. But we all do that as humans all the time. Yeah. Do you stay away from that in your personal life, like in your private life? No. I knew it. I am such a gossip. I can't help it. I love gossiping. It's like my love language. I just don't, I try not to do it publicly. Yeah, yeah. But like if you see me and we start talking and like I start gossiping, it's because I love you.

36:42Jay Shetty:Yeah, got it. Yeah. You did start with me today when you were. Yeah. I'm like, all right. I'm like, it's because I feel comfortable. It's because I love you and I love to gossip. And I think there's such a beauty to it. And I think, but yeah, I just, I won't ever publicly do it. Let's do a quick rules of gossip. Okay, I'll do a rules of gossip. What's the manifesto? What are the rules of gossip to make it fun and connecting, but not hurtful and painful? Rule number one is like, you can't, if something is happening to somebody you really love, you don't gossip with other people about it. Like you don't like, like if something was happening to me that was really, really hurtful and really, really bad, I know Peyton wouldn't go talking about it to someone else.

37:26Jay Shetty:Got it. But if it was someone outside of our group and we were like, if we heard something about something, we would be like, what the fuck is going on? Got it. Rule number one. That's rule number one is protect those that you love. Yes. Okay. Good rule. It's like, you know, protect the family. Yeah. And I would say rule number two is like have fun as long as no one's listening just have fun gossip is fun sharing information is fun what if it gets back to them yeah it's happened to me many a times no way yes many many many times what do you do in that position you say sorry oh you do okay i'm very yeah you just say i'm sorry do they reach out first or do you reach out no i'll just be like fuck okay i'm sorry so you message them and say i'm sorry well it's never really gotten to that usually i get confronted.

38:12I'm an easy person to confront. Like I'm not very intimidating, but I'm never like really ragging on. Like I'm normally just like sharing information.

38:20Jay Shetty:Yeah. I don't know. And the third rule of gossip is the one you've been talking about, which is like only gossip offline, not online. Yeah. That I really think is important. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Got it. Do you and Peyton ever gossip about me? Never. Well, we only say positive things how much we miss you. I told her I was coming here today. She's like, tell him I love him. Oh, she's the Yeah, she's the best. I love her. Oh, you have to do this for me now, for my audience. Define a crash out. It literally feels like a painting is melting. Like your world is like crumbling. Like it feels like everything is falling apart and you're just like free falling.

38:59Wow, that's good. The painting melting is brilliant. So like I crash out over this guy. During my crash out, I reached back out to him and saw him again, even though I knew it wasn't going to be good for me. And that's because any decision you make in a crash out kind of goes. And it's fun to crash out when your best friend is also crashing out. So Peyton and I will often sync up with our crash outs. So I'll be like, should I just do this? And she's like, yes, should I just do this? I'm like, yes, even though we both know it's bad. Like there's this like rush. There's a rush to a crash out. I really think there's a rush to it.

39:33And are you trying to get out of it as quickly as you're in it? You can't really see a way out. when you're in a depth of a crash when you're in like the real darkness depths of a crash out like there's no way out

39:43Jay Shetty:what's the longest crash out you've ever had? probably over the sky so from January to end of March I think I'm still good beginning of April wow I thought you were going to say like three hours no you just said three months yeah three months it's like a fact like this one guy affected like every decision I made what was it about this one guy? I don't know I really don't know what it was. And like, I knew I shouldn't have gone back. And I went back. And the same exact thing happened as the first time. It just took longer. Never go back. I know, but I really was like, basically, we went on a date and it didn't end up working out.

40:29And then I reached back out like a few months later or a month later, just like throwing it out there. And he came back with like flirty. So we started hanging out again. But then the same thing happened after our first date after like two months. so it was like do you know what i mean and it was like this was all because of a crash out

40:50Jay Shetty:and did you feel more mad at yourself or did you feel more mad at him or is a crash out a bit of both in the moment when he was like i don't think this is working out i was like okay like i was right the first time yeah and he was right the first time no one was wrong it was just like that's like this was if someone shows you who you they are what they deem a situation to be like believe them. And then does the crash out affect everything else in your life for those four months? Those that are closest to me will tell you yes. So how do you go to work? How do you do the show? How do you go on stage when you're having a crash out?

41:26You need someone to just be like, well, on stage, you're like, these people paid to see you. Okay. So that, yeah, that commitment. Luckily for me, they also pay to see me crash out. So like I can get on stage and be like, I'm crashing the fuck out right now. Like, I'm not okay. And that, for me, for them, is equally as entertaining as me not crashing out.

41:48Jay Shetty:Got it. So it's almost like I can crash out on the job because it makes it more entertaining and more funny. Yeah. But then there's moments where I'm like, wait, no, I really don't feel good. And I really can't do this right now. Yeah. Like, after the Vanity Fair thing, I didn't want to talk about that. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want, I couldn't like make a joke out of it yet. And that was a really hard week for me because I was like, I can't crash out about this publicly. Normally everything I can be like, I'm crashing out over this, that, and the third. I couldn't crash out about that because so many people were yelling at me or that's what it felt like to me.

42:25Like something like that is hard. Like I can't crash out. And that's, I think, the moment where things kind of shifted for me where it being public became less fun.

42:34Jay Shetty:We were texting at that time. Yeah, I was not okay. Yeah, you texted me. I remember. Yeah, I really appreciate you reaching out. Yeah. Because I can't imagine that being fun. It was, well, it was just like, it was horrible because it's like, yeah, yeah, it just sucked. And you survived. And I survived. I literally like physically, when you physically survive something you're so scared of, you're so dreading it happening. You knew, like I talked to you about this, like people getting mad at me is my number one fear. Like, I think my physical reaction to that was that I literally would not physically survive.

43:10When you physically, like, actually make it out of something that you're scared of, it, like, teaches your mind almost that, like, it's fine.

43:20Jay Shetty:Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, after that week, like, I felt like, oh, like, I'm still, I'm, like, breathing. As dramatic as it sounds, like, I'm, like, breathing and I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for this thing to happen. And then it happened. Yeah. And now what? Yeah. You just keep going on. Totally. And what I find really hard about those moments, and obviously, you know, I'm a fan of yours. I follow you. And it's like, I'd watched an interview done around the same time. I think it was just before. It was the Rolling Stone one. Correct. And I'd seen that interview and I was like, Jake's being really honest.

43:52Jay Shetty:Like he's not, he knows he's not a journalist. He's not trying to be a journalist. My mom is a journalist. Yeah. He really, like, it was just really interesting because I follow you quite deeply in that sense. Like I keep up with what you're up to. And I was like, oh wait, Jake said this thing in the Rolling Stone thing. And the thing that he's getting, you know, targeted for whatever you want to call it is that very thing that he's already. It's funny how that works. And I'm like, if you just listen, and this is the challenge I see with everything. And I go through this myself. I'm like, if someone actually listened to everything I said, I think they'd have a better picture of my genuine emotions about things.

44:25Jay Shetty:But if you just pick one thing I say, or one thing I do, you might get a very different perspective of who I am. And I think the challenge today is who the hell in the world has the time to listen to everything I've said or everything you said. And who cares enough to do that as well? It's too much work. And so it's, yeah, it's rough because I felt like what you were saying in the Rolling Stone interview directly would have made the other side of it okay. Right, it was like a direct response. It was like, well, I'm not a journalist. I've never claimed to be. I think it's insulting to say I'm a journalist.

44:55I'm not inquisitive enough to be a journalist. unless it's gossip. I'd be a good gossip journalist.

45:03Jay Shetty:There you go. That's the new title. That's the new headline. That's the new headline. I feel like the good thing is to survive early in that growth journey because then you start realizing that these things will keep coming and keep happening and you're going to have to live with it forever. So in one sense, it's kind of like nice to get one under your belt because you don't want to wait too long because I've seen it happen the other way. And I think this used to happened a few years back was that people would literally have like three decade careers where they would never have anyone hate them and then all of a sudden something massive would happen right years later and they don't know how to deal with it they don't know how to deal with it because the internet correct it's not just bad press anymore like back in the day in traditional media and traditional celebrity you could get bad press where the press was talking about you poorly yeah but the press is now the people so it feels a little more individual and a little more like I think it feels more personal.

45:58It does feel more personal.

45:59Jay Shetty:100 % it feels more personal. Yeah. Because you're seeing one person say something about you. Yeah. It feels really, really personal. There's this, I remember Ellen DeGeneres was canceled at something like, I can't remember how sure old she was at that time, like 46 for coming out as gay. Like coming out in America as gay was like cancelable. Really? Yeah. I remember there's this clip that people can watch of the Oprah show, where people are literally standing up on the Oprah show saying, how can you be friends with Ellen? Cause she's gay. Really? Yeah. It's unbelievable. And you'll see Oprah say like, well, you know, I appreciate her.

46:34Jay Shetty:I like her, whatever it is. And I'm like, that is bizarre to me to think about. You watch that and you go, oh my gosh, like, you know, what a, what a crazy thing to go through. Yeah. And now it's almost like, yeah, it's, it's what you just said. It feels so much more personal. It feels so much more urgent as well. and it's rough. And I don't think anyone has the magic pill or the answer to how to deal with it. Right. Because you got to keep moving on. Yeah. You got to keep getting on with it. Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you survived. I'm glad you kept going on. Thank you. Because you're making a lot of people happy.

47:11Jay Shetty:You're making a lot of people smile. You're like, you know. I'm trying. Yeah. I'm really trying. I feel like I've kind of lost my funny lately. And so I'm like trying to like get it back. What helps you get it back? Watching TV. What have you been watching? Industry. Oh, I've not seen that yet. I keep being told. You gotta. Okay. That's a very you show. Okay. You would love it. Okay. And I'm so good at when I'm like, and I know I'm good at when I'm imitating things. And I always say like when I'm binge watching a show and I go through this period of like binging and then I regurgitate it all out, that's when I'm my funniest.

47:41Jay Shetty:So that, okay, watching TV. Mine is genuinely like, I love watching standup comics. I don't watch enough of it. I love watching standup comedy. It's one of my favorite things. Like I'm like, if I can watch a really good standup comic that just is dialed in and, you know, really knows how they work in the crowd. It's you've never done standup comedy. I did it in seventh grade. Oh, OK. It doesn't really doesn't really count. But I love when you see someone. So whether it be a comic or athlete or a musician in control of a crowd, it's like equally as crack for you as it is for them. I feel like. Yeah.

48:17It's like, oh my God, what am I witnessing right now? Absolutely.

48:22Jay Shetty:What's become your biggest red flag in dating for you right now? If someone watches my show. You don't want them to be a fan. It's weird because it's both a red flag and a green flag. It's like, okay, you still pursued me even after seeing me for all that I was. But internally, I'm so insecure that you've seen it that I now can't date you. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm so insecure with all that you've seen. I can't hide anything from you. God. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's almost like you don't get, in a normal relationship, like if you're not a public figure, you get to reveal information as you both get to know each other more.

49:04Jay Shetty:Whereas when you're a public figure who's talking about yourself all the time, it almost feels like everyone knows too much about you already. Right. And now you don't even get to reveal that part of yourself. And it doesn't feel like a discovery even for the other person. and it just feels almost like embarrassing. Tell me about that part. Why is it embarrassing? Because I used to talk about like my sex life a lot or like lack thereof. I'm like, oh my God, if this person's seen my show, they know that I haven't had sex in however long. That is so embarrassing. I can't sit here with a straight face.

49:32So what do you do now? I go for older men that wouldn't normally watch my show. Right. And how's that going? It's fine. Okay. Honestly, great.

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50:24Jay Shetty:Are you generally attracted to older men or is this because they don't listen to your show? I think generally I'm attracted to older guys. Okay, right, right, right. And then this has made it even more so. Easier, okay. Okay, okay. So that's a green flag right now, being an older man. Being an older guy. Who doesn't watch your show. That's a green, a green flag is like an older guy in their 30s who doesn't watch my show. and then a red flag would be like someone my age who watches my show yeah it's good though you're segmenting your you know your pool it's good yeah what's the phase jake i know i'm wrong what do you mean you know i know i'm wrong i know what i'm saying is incorrect and like i'm gonna wake up and be like no that's not how i feel but that's how i feel i bet i think that's my issue yeah with having my podcast grow as much is because like i think i say things that I feel in the moment.

51:13And then like, I switch my mind up like that. And then, so when people are like, that's wrong. I'm like, wait, that is wrong. I didn't even mean that. But in the moment I did,

51:21Jay Shetty:it's not your opinion on anyone else. Yeah. I don't think that can be wrong. I know you're allowed to change your mind. I know. And, and, you know, it's all tongue in sheet too. Like it's like, you know, it's you saying how you feel about what you're attracted to right now. And that could change tomorrow. I think that's, that's cool. Yeah. I think that that's a red flag. I'm trying to think of like another red flag that I would agree with tomorrow morning. Cause like, I feel like, I feel like I can go on a date with someone that watches my show and them be wonderful. And it'd be, you know, so I, I actually don't know if that's fair to say that that's a red flag.

51:53I think a red flag would be, I don't know. What, what was a red flag for you when you were dating?

51:59Jay Shetty:That's a good question. It's been a long time, Jake. You're like, you know, aging me right now. I haven't been on a date for. I think lying. Lying is good. Lying is Yes, this is my answer. If you catch somebody in a lie early on, red flag. Yeah. Immediate red flag. Name dropping is my red flag. Oh. I'm not a huge fan of name dropping. I don't need to like, or if someone's like brand dropping, name dropping, event dropping, like, oh, I was just going to this place with this person. Very good red flag. It doesn't do anything for me. I'm like, I don't, I'm good. Well, then I think, is this date just a name drop for you later on yes yes yes yes so and now i'm thinking about friend dating because i don't go out and date something of like just friends and how i pick people who i hang out with i don't like that i don't uh i get turned off if someone's like um if someone only talks about work or money or deals or me too like i just i find that boring and like you know back to my crash out from the reason i crashed out so hard over this one guy was because he wasn't a name dropper at all.

53:07And I've realized that the way I need to be loved in a relationship is constant words of affirmation. It's like someone telling me that they are attracted to me because I read people telling me that. And I'm very insecure already. And I see people saying that I'm ugly all the time. Really? Do you see that a lot? All the time. And so to have the person that I'm intimate with tell me that they are attracted to me and they're not lying to me is like, I think what, like my most important thing.

53:41Jay Shetty:I didn't realize the ugly comment for you was a common thing or a thing at all. Oh, yeah. Especially from other gay guys. Wow. I had no idea. Yeah. God, that must be terrible. yeah it's not great but i am able to use it to to like as part of my humor just sometimes it gets a little too mean yeah sometimes it's a little too mean and a little too specific that's when you can't laugh and that's when i can't laugh yeah well you showed everyone with the coachella purse right yeah you did yeah yeah just put it out there you know it's i think i think you did i'm like flirting with you jake i know i know i know but i did i did i i do that that part of my i actually you know what it's funny when you bring up the like like my body like transforming my body and stuff people are a lot of the comments that i've received are people being like that just doesn't make sense for him i think i literally just heard louise laugh like like am i not someone that's supposed to be attractive.

54:46Do you know what I mean? Like, that's how it feels to me. And then it feels even worse.

54:51Jay Shetty:Yeah. There's those clips of like, I remember there's a clip of like Jonah Hill when he'd lost weight. And I think he was on a TV show and someone said to him like, oh, you don't look like someone who would smell good. Yeah. And he called it out on the show. Like he literally goes, what do you mean? I just don't think, like you see the, he just goes straight at it to combat it because obviously it didn't feel good to hear that. He was like, what do you mean by that? Well, it feels like they're saying to me, your face is still ugly, but your body is okay. Yeah. That's what it feels like they're saying to me when they say that.

55:21When they say this doesn't make sense for him, it feels like they're saying the face is still ugly and need some work to do, but the body is getting there.

55:28Jay Shetty:Yeah. So what are your new dating rules? How are you... Go on first dates. Rule number one, go on first dates. Go on first dates. And it's so hard. I hate dating. How do you meet people right now? Right now, Raya. Yeah. It's... touch and go. Yeah. Kind of like, it's like, sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's not. But also leaving the house, like I feel like leaving the house and going to a bar. Yeah. When you base all your like romantic validation and online dating, it's a black hole. Yeah. Like you're never going to, you're never going to feel good about yourself. But when you go to a bar and you get flirted with yes like in nature like it fuels you for like that next month to like lead with confidence i like that the fact you're saying you can go out and do that being a public figure i think that's great advice for people yeah yeah actually get out there just do it the old way i mean yeah i i because what else are you gonna do you know yeah any others that are working any anything else that's no i mean i don't think many things are working for me right now what's the The most insane thing you've ever done in dating or the craziest thing you've ever done on a date?

56:40I mean, like crashing out over a guy I went on one date with and then telling him I passed the place where we went on our first date to get back in contact with him, even though I was sitting in my hotel room with my friend Cassie. Like, that's insane. Like, I was like, I just passed this place, thought of you. No, I didn't. I was in my hotel room. That's a good one. No, I didn't. And by the way, not only was that, I planned that. From the second that he said that he was not, I thought he got the ick. So I thought he got the ick from me. And my friend was like, if he has the ick from you, just give it a month and then try again.

57:15So I gave it a month. And I was like, my plan is, well, my plan was three months. I lasted one month. And he's probably going to listen to this. Be like, this kid's insane, but it's over now. So whatever.

57:25Jay Shetty:Yeah, that was part of the rules. The earlier rules we set. Jake, that's so bad. I know. Oh, red flag for dating if their friends suck. Oh yeah, that's a good one. I like that one. I like that one. If their friends suck, bad. Yeah, yeah. I also don't like people who are not responsive. I have a big issue with that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I need to get a rhythm of communication. I'm a bad responder. See, here's the thing. I think there's like, I think you've got like a 72 hour rule, right? Like if you respond to someone within 72 hours, I think it's respectful. Yeah. And I'm like, if I'm getting to know someone again, I'm not dating.

58:02Jay Shetty:But if I was getting to know someone as a friend or I'm like, 72 hours is fair. Everyone's busy. Maybe five days I can deal with. Maybe seven days at a max, right? Yeah. But over seven days to not communicate, I'm like, hmm, this is like. Yeah, I'm thinking about the person that I haven't responded to in seven days now. And I'm like, I have to respond to them. I feel like seven days is good. And like anything more than seven days. I'm like, there is no. Seven days is good for someone you don't really ever want to see. Right. Right. Like, you know, whereas if I want to build a friendship with someone, I'm expecting them to respond within 72 hours.

58:33Right. Yeah. So nice that you have a wife and you don't have to think about the romance.

58:38Jay Shetty:No, I don't have to think about romance, but I do think about friends and I do think about like building relationships or people at work or whatever it may be. I'm definitely, I think you're always building relationships with people. And I'm someone who just like, likes having friends. Like I enjoy. You do love it. You love getting to know people. I enjoy getting to know people. I enjoy getting to know people deeply. I enjoy to actually get to know what's going on in someone's life and heart. Like I enjoyed that. And I'm always looking forward to, again, I don't want to do that with a million people.

59:06Jay Shetty:I'm looking forward to doing that with a few people. Yeah. So you're like, you're looking at me with some dubious eyes. No, no, I'm looking at you with like, have I just said a whole bunch of nonsense for this past hour? No, no, no. I'm like, has anything I said made sense? There's been so much that has made sense. And the insanity question was a really good one. But why do you feel ready to be in a relationship right now or just to be dating? I think just to be dating. And I've always said I wanted a boyfriend. And every time I get close to it, I'm like, I don't want this. Because? I don't know.

59:39I haven't figured it out. I think I, well, I just had someone on my show and they explained to me the different attachment styles of stuff. So I think I'm avoidant. Like I look for people that are not there. And then if they ever get there with me, I'm like, wait, what? Like, I don't want that. I think I'm too insecure to like share myself entirely with someone. I think I'm just like too insecure as a person to like be able to show someone. I think that's where journaling's kind of been helpful because I've been able to like, I'm sharing it with like this fake object, this object, but it's still something else other than my own mind.

1:00:17And I think that's what I've always struggled with.

1:00:19Jay Shetty:Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. You talk about the importance of friends and being surrounded by the right people. You obviously have a great crew. I feel like you just told me you're going to be living alone for the first time in a long time. Well, yeah. And I'm really stressed out about it. I've been begging Brett to stay. But her journey is that she is moving in with her incredible, lovely boyfriend. And I'm dreading the day it happens. And I don't know what I'm going to do. So waking up to a friend every day is like the best thing on planet Earth. We wake up every morning. We go downstairs, gossip for 20 minutes.

1:00:57We go about our days, meet back up for lunch, gossip, go about our days, meet back up for dinner. And like, I don't know, like, it's, you get very complacent. When you live with someone, you get complacent and not having to make plans. It's like, well, Brett will be home or I'll just be with Brett. And I think it's going to be really, really, really hard for me when she moves out. I don't know what I'm going to do. How do you define a good friend? I think the most classic answer and the most truthful answer is that somebody who has been with you at your worst. Like, I think the song Delicate by Taylor Swift is kind of like applies to romantic relationships, but it also, for me, applies to platonic friendships as well.

1:01:41It's like she talks about like this feeling of like having this new relationship and like her reputation has never been worse. So this person that she's with right now must really like them for them. And so the people that have been with you at your worst and stuck by you, like that's a good like a loyal like loyalty. I've learned that loyalty is really and truly everything. Sticking by someone, even if it's not convenient, convenience or sticking by or doing something for someone. because you know it means a lot more to them than it would to you. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm trying not to get too specific, but like really showing up for people, you know, even if you don't want to.

1:02:25Making things work for someone, even if you don't want to. Because they would do it for you. And knowing that they would do it for you, that's a good friend.

1:02:33Jay Shetty:Yeah. And you're like that too as a friend. I think I've learned how to become like that. I don't think I was always like that. And I'm totally fine to say that I wasn't always like that. And my best friends would sit here and tell you right now that I wasn't always like that. What changed you? Like life, just like things happening. And sometimes life forces you to put things into perspective and you have to choose and you have to decide like certain routes to go down. And I've just been faced with situations like in college or high school or middle school and each situation, like I think I've been a better and better and better friend.

1:03:09All right.

1:03:09Jay Shetty:We have two games that we're going to finish on that we do with all of our guests now. One's made for you and one's another game that we do. So this one is called, Which One Ruins Your Day More? Oh my God, I love this. So Jake, which one ruins your day more? Someone texts, we need to talk, or someone just reacts, thumbs up to a long text you sent. We need to talk. Why? Because the thumbs up, I at least know where you stand. If I, if it's the uncertainty that kills me. If I know you're upset with me and I know that that text that I've sent, you don't like it, fine, so be it. I'll be upset about it, but I'll be way more upset if you say we need to talk and I don't know if it's good or bad.

1:03:53Because then my brain starts spinning and spinning and spinning.

1:03:56Jay Shetty:Okay, everyone listening, do not send your friends. We need to talk. All right. Which one ruins your day more? You wave at someone who wasn't waving at you or you say you too after your service says enjoy your meal. You're waving at someone. because the U2 is like, you're being polite. At the end of the day, it's like you're polite. Like you're just trying to be polite. You're like, oh, U2. And it's like a silly fun moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Waving at someone, that happened to me the other day. It was the worst. Did it actually? Yeah, it was horrible. One time I did it to Jennifer Aniston by accident.

1:04:24And it was like, we were staying at the same hotel and I thought she was waving at me. And I was like, what? It was so awkward. I like thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Who was she waving at? No, I think I was waving at someone next to her. But obviously she's like, are you waving at me? And I'm like, no, like, I don't. And I didn't realize it was her. And like, it makes my skin crawl.

1:04:46Jay Shetty:Which one ruins your day more? You get left on read or they send back a five paragraph text. Left on read. Left on read. It's the uncertainty. Kills me. It's the worst. Kills me. It's the worst. Which one ruins your day more? Being way too overdressed at a party or way too underdressed at a party? So in New York, you would say that it's better to be overdressed than underdressed. But in LA, it's cooler to be underdressed. And I feel these days very LA through and through. So I would say being overdressed would upset me more. Got it. I agree with you. I'd rather be underdressed too. Which one ruins your day more?

1:05:26Jay Shetty:You send a photo of the guy you're talking about to him or like a post on his Instagram from five years ago. Send a post to him or send the photo to him. I think I've actually almost done that before. And that's happened to me in like other situations where I've been talking about somebody and I've sent them a screenshot of like our own text and that ruins my week. That's just like, there's nothing there. There's no coming back. You have to be like, sorry. All right. A couple more. Which one ruins your day more? The guy you're dating isn't funny or doesn't get your brand of humor? Doesn't get my brand of humor.

1:06:00Jay Shetty:Yeah, of course. Because if he's not funny, like, you can always, I think you can always teach someone how to be, they can at least laugh. It doesn't matter if they're funny. Can you laugh at me and what the jokes I'm making? But if you don't think I'm funny, why are we even talking? Totally. Yeah. All right. Last one of these. You accidentally send a mean girl text about someone to that exact person. Or you're caught in a blatant, unnecessary lie by someone you actually deeply respect. I think the mean girl text. Sending a text to someone that you didn't mean to send it to. They'll kill me for telling this story and I need to double check it with them.

1:06:42But one time, Peyton texted Julia, I need to go search for Julia's bag so she'll shut the fuck up. And she texted it to Julia while sitting next to Julia. and I just remember it being like for everyone else the funniest thing but for them too like not funny so bad so bad it was slippers it was slippers Julia couldn't find her slippers oh my

1:07:09Jay Shetty:god oh well done you did good that was really good all right gut reaction so I need your quickest reaction the hill I die on for no reason is air conditioner as like everyone should have it okay Like everyone should have air conditioner. I don't care how bad it is for the environment. I don't even, I'm sorry, I don't. You need to have an air conditioner. Like it is important to condition the temperature of your home properly. Got it. The most embarrassing thing currently sitting in my notes app is? I thought I was being really poetic. I don't have my phone with me, but I took notes of my day and it was that I was walking home with like makeup products in my hand because I was too embarrassed to walk home with a Sephora bag.

1:07:57And I wrote that down. And like, and I looked back at it today and I was like, what the fuck? Why didn't I want to walk home with a Sephora bag?

1:08:07Jay Shetty:That's good. That's really good. The most unhinged thought I've had today is? Oh, most unhinged thought I've had today is probably like, should I smoke before this? And I'm so grateful I didn't. You didn't? No. Oh, nice. I was like, I'm so, I literally was almost like, should I just smoke? And then my therapist was like, you cannot smoke. Like giving me all this attitude about smoking, reading me a quote from Yoda. And I told her, I was like, I don't even watch Star Wars. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. There have been people who smoked before. I mean, like Wiz Khalifa had his car down there and smoked before he came onto the show.

1:08:42Jay Shetty:Yeah. But he's able to like control himself while high. Yeah, there are a couple of people I'm trying to remember now, but Wiz was definitely one of them. The brand I would sell my soul to be the face of is. Dior. Dior, yes. You already are. No, my God. Are you kidding? You're getting there. Dior, I would love to be a Dior. I see you wear Dior everywhere. It's my favorite brand. We both love you, Jonathan Anderson. I love Jonathan Anderson. We love you. I think it's just everything he does is so brilliant. And I think what he's done with the brand is brilliant. I agree. I went to his first show out in Paris last year and it was just spectacular.

1:09:12Was that the one where he debuted the book tote collection?

1:09:15Jay Shetty:That's correct. Yes. It was just, it was so good. Brilliant. It was so good. Amazing. Good answer. The celebrity friend you're calling to help you bury a dead body is? Renee Rapp. Oh, wow. Okay. Renee's been on the show. Okay. Renee Rapp. She is, that is a ride or talk about a ride or die. Like that girl is a ride or die. Like I'd call her and be like, I am geeking out. I'm tweaking out over this one thing. She'll be like, it's handled. We're handling it. That's so good. And you trust that she can like, she's like, you know, she's strategic. She protects her family. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Jake, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.

1:09:56Jay Shetty:These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum. Okay. Jake Shane, these are your final five. First question, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? You can't create magic twice. I like that. If something works once, there's no point. I wanted to go back for Coachella Weekend 2, and I looked at Louise, and I was like, just I don't want to taint my experience because weekend one was so perfect and it's such a shallow thing to say for that answer but like just like you can't create magic twice like magic exists because like you know it's like how did this happen like you can't create a miracle twice yeah the impermanence is what made it special yeah yeah the fact that you didn't believe you could do it again that's what made it rare absolutely I love that advice never had that on the show question number two what is the worst advice you ever heard or received all press is good press i don't think it's true i thought it was true and then my friend looked at me and said that is not true it's so painful yeah it's so painful i agree it's the worst i fully agree question number three what was the highlight of coachella the strokes besides like justin bieber and stuff the strokes i've always been at the same festival that they've been playing at and my favorite song of all time besides the archer by taylor swift is someday by the strokes jokes and I never got to see it live.

1:11:15And I saw it live and I was on my best friend Will's shoulders and it was like the best moment of my entire life. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's awesome. And I have a video of it too. Someone took a video of me. So it was like, you weren't even having to have your camera. I didn't have to have my phone out. I just got to experience it.

1:11:30Jay Shetty:Yeah. That's beautiful. I love that. Question number four. What are you most excited about this year? Continuing to like work on my body and work out and show people like how much work I put into my body and I'm also really excited about working on my show that I have in development that's been so rewarding and so fun this is a show about your life right yeah yeah and it's just it's so fun to make fun of yourself yeah that's so cool and you feel like you can do it a little more in a scripted setting yeah yeah Yeah, I'm not acting in mine, but we're working on one as well about my life. And I'm like, I'm helping produce it and working with the writers.

1:12:12Jay Shetty:And I'm having so much fun with it. It's so fun. Because I want to make fun of myself. Yeah. And there's no better way to do it than in a scripted show. You're at least getting to play yourself, which I'm not going to do. But it's like. I mean, of course, I literally am like, I imagine I can't make a show about myself and not play myself. Because I'm so desperate for a role. So I'm like, obviously, I have to play myself. Yeah, it's brilliant. Jake, fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

1:12:43This is my law. Every airplane should have personalized air conditioning instead of central AC. Because when it's central, you're like, when is it turning on? But when it's personal and you can just twist it on or off, like every plane should have that. And that should be the law. And that they also shouldn't oversell airplanes. I never understood that.

1:13:02Jay Shetty:What do you mean? You'll be like, we oversold this flight. How? Oh, yeah, yeah. That doesn't make any sense. How is that legal? How does that work? Yeah. How does that work? What happens in that situation when they do oversell something? They make somebody get off the plane. It's crazy. It's the craziest thing. Has that ever happened to you? I would never. No. I would never. You'd have to drag me off the plane. If someone was saying, like, we oversold this flight. Please, you have to leave. I'd say, over my dead body, am I getting off this plane? So good. I'm not. I would pick someone else. So good.

1:13:32Jay Shetty:Jake Shane, Jake, you are so much fun. I love getting to chat to you. I hope you got to open up and share where you're at right now. And honestly, I can't wait to see you continue to win, continue to succeed. And most importantly, I'm excited for you to find that fulfillment that you're seeking. And I'm excited to be there right by your side as you discover those things. Thank you. Thanks for having me. This was so awesome. Thank you, Jake. You're awesome. That was fantastic.