Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)

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2:24One of my biggest icks is when they like wake up and they're confused. If they play games on their phone. When he posts on social media. Grown men shouldn't wear earrings. Don't message me saying, when am I taking you? I'm not. When he posts on social media or a gay person. How seriously should people take icks? They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner. Do you ever get over an ick? The more you like someone, the more you'll find the ick's cuter. Everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick. I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating.

3:01Go on. We used to do that. Oh my god! Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shetty, with my favourite person in the world, Radha Divlukia. And we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you could talk about on a long car journey, after a long day at work, or maybe while you're out at dinner and you want to have a chat about what's going on. So today's topic is all about... Ickes. Ickes. Good old Ickes. I feel like the concept of Ickes didn't exist when we were dating. No. Or maybe they existed but they didn't have that language.

3:37We didn't call them Ickes. And if anyone's wondering, because you've been sleeping under a rock, what an Ick is, the term Ick refers to a sudden turnoff or something that instantly kills attraction. Ooh, that's a harsh term These aren't always rational and they can vary culturally and individually But there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media and psychological observations Wow, so official When did you first discover what icks were? I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to it, I appreciate it because I've felt icks my whole life Really? Yeah What, like when you were dating back in the day?

4:14Yeah You never dated anyone apart from me What? I definitely felt icks throughout my life I've probably felt a few icks with you What do you mean? What do you mean? We spoke about this What? We've had icks with you Go on So many icks But icks doesn't mean that you don't love someone Right Ick just means you're like Oh maybe you know don't do that around me Right Yeah You have icks with me No What was your ick with me? I don't Yeah What? Anyway is this about us? Yeah We're just having a general conversation about icks guys No, the topic came about because we were in a car journey with my cousins.

4:50We were on our way back from the Drake concert. We had a long journey. And somehow we came onto the topic of ics within our relationships. But then also just generally, you know, there's the man with the ick list, the girl. That's mine. That's my favorite. The guy with the list. Yeah, I love it. If you don't follow guy with the list on TikTok. Please follow him. What a legend. I have no idea who he is. He is hilarious. He's brilliant and he just like, he finds all these things that women say or men say are icks about men and women. And he puts them onto a really, really long list. So we started getting into it.

5:22And let me tell you, we came up with some crazy ones. One of my cousins said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car. I don't even know how that's an ick, but that was an ick. Because? What was her reasoning? I don't remember. She said that it doesn't feel masculine. Masculine enough, yes. Someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries That's terrible So not nice but also just so funny that people put that on the ick list Well okay it's obviously funny but there's also a little bit of meanness and depth to it That people get turned off so easily these days And I think it really sometimes just by getting an ick they won't go on a second date I feel like should we start off by reading some really funny icks out Okay, so, oh, when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind.

6:17Who does that? When they hold a limp umbrella in a strong wind. When they run with a backpack on and it bounces side to side. That's a really good one, I agree. When they try to get out of a beanbag chair and it takes a full 12 seconds. When they walk When they call a waiter over But they walk right past them These are all very good ones There are some other Really funny ones though Do What else did we say In the car That was really funny I don't remember The car ones at all When they have allergies That's so rude When you're driving And they grab the bar Yeah when you are the driver When the girl's the driver And the guy gets scared And holds The side of the car That's icky When they get car sick I get car sick That's not an ick It's really Sad thing to go through actually When they wear no show socks No Yeah I agree with that one Those little panty liner socks Panty liner They are awful The thong socks Is what we should call them Awful Awful Is that all you have to say?

7:26Well look I think Iksa for air But I also think That they should be more Seen as more of a funny thing Not something that actually Puts them off their partner I think it should End up becoming something that's endearing. Like you should go from thinking it's an ick to finding it a bit cute. You remember, I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating. Go on. When you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister. Oh my God. I cannot even hear it. Go on, do it please. I'm not doing it. I don't do it with anyone else. You do know it though. I don't. Only with my mum and my sister.

7:57Mum and sister. Suddenly, I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other. I was like, where am I And what is happening? Please just do it once No, I don't do it anymore Come on, show them to you I literally don't do it anymore Because you You actually don't do it that much I don't do it anymore But you know what? You should be who you want to be I don't do that anymore But just don't do that voice around me

8:22What are my icks about you? But, yeah, what are my icks about you? Don't know, in the beginning Being late Yeah That is an ick That is a massive ick for me Really? Massive ick You can't be late I've been ick your whole life then mate Basically What else? Skinny jeans Skinny jeans are a Skinny jeans I was just checking if our videographer was wearing skinny jeans before I said it Skinny jeans, big ick Now they are At one point they were fashionable That's what it is about icks That there was a time When the ick could have been fashionable Like I know one of our friends Her sister doesn't like men who wear jewellery Oh Like that's her ick So that's what I'm trying to understand How seriously should people take icks?

9:09I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt I don't think you should take them too seriously But I think if there are too many icks You're not going to find that person attractive That's the problem So either you have to work on your tolerance And what you find icky And maybe some things like You're not wanting your husband to cry in front of you That may be therapy that's required Not going to lie You may need to really work on that But other things like flip-flops with socks Give a bit of leeway Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner The next time they go out Alright I'm going to read out a list of icks And we have to decide On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad they are Alright Or do we do a yes or no Is it an ick or not Yeah ick or not Alright chewing with their mouth open The ick for sure Clapping when the plane lands I like it You know what it's appreciation We should be really happy when a plane lands It's an amazing thing Not ick Yeah Not washing their hands After the bathroom Ick Ick That is all around ick That's not subjective Yeah Asking to split a bill I don't think that's an ick But then I You know I like being a self-sufficient woman As a man I've I always Wanted to pick up the bill I always did When we were dating Originally as well Like it was always something That I've wanted to do And so to me Ick That's not an ick for me Okay Talking in a baby voice as a grown ass man absolute ick i get it now uh using too many hashtags oh my gosh what an and i'm using too many emojis as a no ick being too obsessed with astrology like blaming everything on being a gemini oh that's a bit of an ick lots of girls do that that's a bit of an ick yeah taking mirror selfies at the gym well no okay no should i tell you what There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately I was like wow her body's amazing She must work so hard I swear I've not seen her lift one way in the gym All she does is come into the gym In beautiful outfits She looks amazing Takes pictures and leaves So yes if you're taking pictures After having done a hard workout Not an ick If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit Just to take pictures without doing a workout Ick Oh another ick When the man looks in the mirror more than you do Ick We don't have that problem obviously Poor grammar in texts You're hot instead of you are hot I think poor grammar is pretty bad But it's obvious Air guitar when a guy does an air guitar Or fake golf Oh my god No Or finger guns Oh no Leaving voice notes that are 4 plus minutes long Massive ick Do not leave me a voice note Me and my friends do that I hate it But maybe not if it's a day.

11:54Voicelodes are such a waste of time. It's like, so I really wanted to tell you this and I don't want this to be long. Yeah. But I've been thinking about this and I'm thinking about one friend that does it. I know. Drinks cow's milk in a glass. Drinks cow's milk full stop. Ick. Using phrases like let that sink in too seriously. Calls women females. What the hell? Is he a biology teacher? oh my god all right obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally yeah when i have friends that refer to celebrities by their first name they don't know it's an ick uh referring to their ex as crazy with no context you're okay with that yeah i'm with that oh gosh so let's help people let's think about icks what's our take my take is That You should give Oh wait This is a better question Yeah Do you ever get Over an ick Can you get over an ick Yeah Like did you get over The ick of me talking Your baby voice Or did I have to Stop doing it Mixture of both I think The more you like someone The less you'll find Like the The more you'll find The ick's cuter However There are just some things That you're gonna That the other person's Gonna have to just stop doing If the partner finds it Icky more than three times So how do you tell someone, hey, I have an ick about this and that's the reason I haven't been texting you.

13:23That's the reason I haven't been. How do you do it? Chat GPT will give you a really great answer for that. No, but seriously. Yeah. How would you do it? I think, I think you can be really honest in saying that I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion. And that to me doesn't look like fashion. Yeah. But I would love to go shoe shopping with you. Yeah. and help you find shoes that really work well with those socks. You know? I remember the scene in Nobody Wants This. Do you remember that show? So with, what's his name? Adam Brody and Kristen Bell.

13:59And there's a scene where he comes over, but he's wearing shorts with a blazer. Yes. And she's got the biggest ick. Really? Yeah, because she hates the fact that he's wearing shorts with a blazer. And it's like the whole episode is like her spiraling, thinking he's not the guy. I can't believe it. I'm going to break up with him. It becomes this massive thing. And then I think she tells him about it. And I think that is the reality of if you flag it to someone, but what happens when that person says, well, this is who I am? Is that the end? I don't know. It depends how much that person really, how invested you are in that person.

14:35I do think when you're basing dating someone off a few icks, unless it's really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them or it just every time you're seeing them you're feeling icky it's probably a sign that they're icky so if there's a few too many for you to be able to handle yeah i mean you can't be icked out every every day for sure but you've also got to know what your basic level of standards are too because everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick and you're not dating the ick you date a person who is like do they respond?

15:12Do they show up? Do they call? Do they check in? Like, that's what you're doing. You're not dating the person whose backpack bounces when they run. Like that's, you don't have to look at it. Give them a different bag. Tie in their backpack. You don't have to watch that every day. Like that's not your life. You know what I mean? Like, I think, I think today people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of. So it's like It's an easy reason Yeah it's an easy reason It's a scapegoat It's something you use to justify Why you don't want to be with someone Right right You just aren't attracted to them You just aren't into them And you don't want to say that So you end up coming up with this ick That justifies why you don't want to be with them Yeah I think so I think an ick is a good easy way out Yeah For sure Jared Freed who hosts the You Up podcast Who's a mate of mine He says that men Like an ick would never stop a man from dating someone.

16:07If they like someone, they like someone, doesn't matter, even if there's an ick. But from women, it's actually a lot more serious. Do you agree? I think so. Why? But then I think, I wonder if, okay, let's say a girl's got bad breath. Is that not going to be an ick for a guy? No, of course it is. But it won't stop him from dating? I don't know. That's a question for Jared right there. I'm not sure. I mean, for me, to me, that's more than an ick. To me, that's just bad hygiene. I'm like, that's like a basic... That's saying something else. Yeah, exactly. That's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person you'd eat with.

16:40Yeah, that's true. Right? Yeah, I think women definitely are potentially pickier, I'd say, maybe. Really? When it comes to things like that. Interesting. Well, I got up here. The top five ics women commonly have about men. Yeah, go on. Lack of hygiene or grooming. Oh, wait, the women have about men. Yeah. Girty nails, bad breath, or unkept hair can instantly kill attraction. Wow. Smelling bad or being generally unkept ranks high in surveys. However, I would say I know a lot of friends who are with guys who don't smell great. Oh, interesting. Number two is ics that women have about men, overconfidence or cockiness.

17:20Bragging, dominating conversations or acting like a know-it-all is often perceived as insecurity, masked as arrogance. I like that. That's a good one. Let's talk about that. What is the difference between confidence and cockiness? And confidence and arrogance for you? I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what your worth is, when you're trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else. And I think confidence is, you know, confidence, I just find it so much quieter. It's like you just show up with energy that is, you are supporting your own self.

17:57You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better. A lot of the time with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior. I think that's the difference. Arrogance is superiority. Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself. And I think you really see the difference when people are talking, acting, how they act towards other people, how they act towards you. The things that they say in conversation, even on a date, like it's so obvious when someone is cocky. And usually cockiness comes from insecurity.

18:29so yeah I definitely think overconfidence or arrogance is a turnoff for everyone I don't enjoy the conversation it's it's not endearing it's not impressive you switch off really really quickly yeah that makes a lot of sense number three is immaturity or childish behavior this includes playing too many video games making crude jokes or being emotionally unavailable or avoidant Those are all icks for women Like serious icks Yeah I think the childish behavior It's interesting because I think some women actually Depending on what traumas they've been through When they've been younger Babying a man is what they've been used to Interesting Or are attracted to Interesting A man to save, a man to look after A man to care for So I actually see a lot more women Well, I see a lot of powerful women Ending up with people like that where they have to look after them.

19:25Interesting. But I can understand why it should be a turn off because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner. Yeah, I think it's really interesting. I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change. Yes. And men get into relationships hoping the woman will never change. Yes, that's so true. And what ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does. So it's the opposite of what you wanted. And when you get into a relationship with a guy, he plays video games. He's not just going to stop playing video games the moment you get married.

19:56That's what he does. And you're not going to change that about him. And I think that's what's so interesting about these ics is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely, especially if it's something conditioned and deeply a part of their life. And so if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is, why does this trigger me so much? And am I okay if this never changes? I think that's really important. It is.

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24:45The next one is poor communication. Being vague, giving one word replies or ghosting creates a feeling of unreliability and emotional distance. See, I think there's a difference between x now and what makes someone feel secure in a relationship because that's a big security part of a relationship where if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breeds insecurity in a relationship. And I think that more than an ick, that is probably a serious... An ick to me is something that's not a serious problem. An ick to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on, but there is a bit of humor to it.

25:27Whereas this doesn't seem like an ick. It seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know where you stand in the relationship. And I think that you have to know the difference between an ick and something that is actually fundamental. That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental. So if someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive. But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy, right? So we make excuses for the fundamentals. but we over amplify ics, which is a really weird thing in our mind.

26:01Yeah. Why do we do that? Like that. Right? Yeah. It's so true. It's such an interesting thing. Like, I feel like so many people are like, I just can't deal with the fact that he wears, you know, ankle socks or whatever it is. And it's like, well, wait a minute. That guy replies to every message. That guy shows up when he says he's going to show up. But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back. but even though he has all of that, you don't care. No. Why do we do that? Why do we justify people's bad behavior? I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone, you will justify anything they do because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you.

26:42If someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you. But if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive, isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person, you don't care. I don't care. I was actually reading something, what was it this morning? It came up on my Instagram that when you end up being a little bit obsessed with someone, your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them, especially if it's in a toxic relationship. When it's a toxic relationship where things are up and down, apparently the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque, your body actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath.

27:22Wow. Even if the person, you get used to even their smell and the way that they speak and everything that you normally find disgusting in someone else that other people may even notice, you don't. That's why it's so funny, you know, when you end up seeing someone that your friends dated and you're like, how in the world? Especially if they weren't a good person and then you see maybe physically they don't match either. It's like that shallow hell effect. Yeah. Where the person is literally seeing a completely different version to the person that they actually are. That's fascinating. That is so true as well.

27:57So true. All right, I want to go through the list of the top five ics men have about women. Number one. Wait, can I say one more thing? It's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was growing up. But then I remember thinking this guy at my college was really attractive, but he was a smoker. And at that point I was like, oh, wow, I actually really like the smell. I was around the smell of smoke so much I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke even though I absolutely despise smoking and my friends have said the same thing when they've dated people who drink alcohol or when they've dated people who smoke weed they absolutely hate it would never do it themselves but because they were obsessed with that person or thought that person was attractive suddenly what they do becomes attractive that's why it's so interesting yeah and that's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want because you're going to be influenced and you're going to be impacted even if you don't want to be No, I didn't want to do it.

28:48I just, my mind shifted towards the sentiment. But if you would have stayed with that person or got with them or whatever, that slowly would become your lifestyle. Yeah, maybe. So interesting. Yeah. The fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like just because someone that you like does it. Yeah. Opposite of ics. Top five ics men commonly have about women. Number one, overly superficial behavior. Talking only about appearances, name dropping, or obsessing over social media and selfies. Yeah, I, yeah. It's frustrating. I love a good selfie. I know you do. I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit ever.