Jay & Radhi Talk About Why People Feel the Need to Overshare

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2:24Sometimes you have to sit back and you have to think before you speak. Yopper's regret. It's a real thing. Sometimes I just, I'll spill my deepest, darkest secrets just because I want to keep the conversation going. Damn, I did not need to share that much information. Sometimes you have to sit back and spill my deepest, darkest secrets. I was always told in the monastery that when you share something before it's complete, that idea loses 50 % of its value. You know when something's like at the top of your heart, it's like stuck at the top of your throat and all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk about it.

2:59I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart. Even if someone was vlogging for 24 hours a day, even if someone was telling you every moment that they were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't know their mind. I really don't share anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything. I've just come to the conclusion that no one will ever... Hey everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of On Purpose. I wish we had a name for it. Yeah, but we don't. Welcome back to this week's episode of Conversations with Radhi on On Purpose. We have been having these wonderful discussions.

3:35That's not the official name. That's not the official name. But we have been having these wonderful conversations based on things our friends have told us, things we've been reading, listening to. and we realized that these conversations are actually really useful to maybe share with people me and Jay have them often when we're on car journeys together traveling and one it's helped create more depth in our conversation but also some of the stuff we come out with is pretty good in them so I thought let's share it well I didn't think Jay thought let's share it with the world on a fourth episode a week of On Purpose over to you Jay why why we suddenly switched to news I know, news anchor.

4:12It's hard not to when you've got a mic in front of you. Is it? Is that what you feel like? Do you feel like a news anchor? Today on, today's weather, can you just start? All right, okay. So as you were talking about what we want to share, today's topic is all about oversharing. Are we oversharing online? Are we oversharing with our friends? What is too much? What is just enough? What do we do with it? Because it feels like we don't know who to share our life with, how much of our life to share, where to share it. And let's dive in. It's so true. I really struggle. Well, you said online. I really struggle with the online sharing situation because on one hand, people want to experience your personality.

4:54And especially as someone who is sharing a lot of content online, you also want people to feel like they know your life because otherwise you're just sharing little minuscule parts of it. The best parts, which people don't want to see anymore. They also want to see the pain. But then when I sometimes share that I'm crying and get messages that why are you always sharing that you're sad? Like, I don't want to be sad with you. And so it's such an interesting - You get messages like that. Oh yeah, I do. I get like, oh, your life must be so hard. You know, if you do share that you're upset, there's always somebody or people who think you've got no reason to be sad.

5:23So why are you crying? Wow. And so I think there's a really difficult balance between, I always used to say, I don't want to share the negative parts of life because there's enough negativity in the world. And I'd rather share, even if I am feeling a certain way, I'd rather share, even if I have an ounce of happiness, let me share that online rather than sharing sadness with people because energy is so contagious that if someone comes online, they're already having a bad day. The last thing I want is to make their day worse. But I think it was so interesting because I was speaking to my friend about this.

5:52She's going through probably one of the most difficult times in her life right now, going through a situation that she never expected herself to be in. And she was really struggling with it. You know, when something's like at the top of your heart, it's like stuck at the top of your throat and all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk about it because it's so prominent inside of you. And so what she started doing was she had told me, and then she started spending time with people and we had said, maybe you shouldn't speak about this to other people. But when she ended up being around people too much, she would end up blessing it out or sharing it.

6:25And I had a conversation with her about how it's so important to protect things that one, one, if you're unsure about, or two, that are really difficult because a lot of the time people don't necessarily have the best desires for you. There are very few people in this world who actually have deep desire for you to be happy. And so when you end up sharing certain things or oversharing things, I think it leaks this energy of one, the situation gets made bigger because you're constantly speaking about it. And therefore, even if it was painful, it becomes even more painful. Or two, there's this idea in Ayurveda, and I think you've spoken about this as well, where when you share too much, you're just leaking energy out of that one thing.

7:09And you talk about this a lot. I'd love for you to share this about when things haven't happened yet and then sharing them before things have happened and the leaking of energy that happens in that. But I was speaking to her about it. And I do believe that sometimes oversharing or not sharing to the right people can be really detrimental to whatever it is that you're talking about? Yeah, I think it all comes down. I think the world will talk about some things, we call them oversharing because we want to censor it. Sometimes people think things are oversharing because they're overly emotional. I think we have to look back at how this all started.

7:42The online world was a place people put up pictures, they put up food, they put up dances. All of a sudden, people started sharing highlight reels. And that's what we did. We shared our best moments, people then called that out and said, we want to see the truth. And people started sharing vulnerable things. Vulnerability, which is actually quite an intimate, personal thing, became a very public thing. And then what's happened is vulnerability, in my opinion, has become performative sometimes. Not always, not always, sometimes. And so now when someone's being overly vulnerable, and I'm vulnerable online too, it's really hard to get a gauge as to what's right or wrong or where you stand on it.

8:28And it all comes down to the individual and their intention. If I ever share vulnerably online, it's because I believe there's a lesson, there's a guiding moment, there's a teaching moment, there's something I've gained that I want to share with it. That's when I choose to do that. I have a boundary around it. I have a way of thinking about when and why I want to be vulnerable. I think people who listen to my podcast regularly do understand who I am as a person. That's a good assessment though. Go on. What you just said, a good assessment of knowing whether you should be vulnerable or not. What is the reason behind you being vulnerable online?

9:02What is the reason you're sharing yourself crying? What is the reason you're sharing this difficult thing that happened? Is it because you want someone to be able to relate to it, be better from it? Which is beautiful. Is it because you want attention? Is it because you want sympathy? Like being really clear about where your vulnerability is coming from. That's a really great place of assessment. Sorry to cut you off. No, no, no. I'm so glad you did. No, you should. No, I think it's better when we're doing that. There was this, you just said something that hit this. Dr. Christopher Hand said, the more people tend to present about themselves, the less sympathy they get when things go wrong.

9:37People assume they brought it on themselves. and oversharing can lead to judgment instead of empathy, online especially. And so I agree that if I was to ever cry online, I have cried in interviews before, which has been very natural, but if I was ever to cry online to share a pain point, it would be because I think it could help someone or it's because I would hope someone would be able to connect to it and not feel alone. That would be my intention. I'm not saying that's perfect. I'm not saying that's the best or the right thing to do. That's just how I see it. No, I agree with you. But if I wanted to cry and just break down, I would just call you.

10:17Yeah, exactly. Right? Or talk to one of my friends because that's where I think it will be held the best. I remember when I started a really good cry, I started seeing all these pictures or started becoming more conscious of the fact that we take so many pictures laughing, but we never take pictures of ourselves crying. and I remember starting to collect these pictures of whenever I was upset or that I'd sent to my friend or I spoke to my, my friend was going through a difficult time and she was like, I'm so upset right now and I don't feel like posting anything online. I was like, send me a picture of you crying.

10:48Like send me a picture of what's actually happening in this real moment. And she always repeats it back to me because now she says that she documents and takes pictures of every emotion that she's feeling. And whenever I now share, I share a lot of pictures of me crying online now, just because I also want that to be normalized of, yes, of course, it would be crazy if I was crying in the next second, I'm taking a selfie and I'm smiling. That's actually borderline psychotic. And so I felt like the necessity of sharing the fact that you are upset can be normalized because if people, if we're trying to create an open platform or a place where people can be themselves online, there has to be that ability of not having to switch it up to a smile straight away.

11:28Yeah. I think for you at least, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, there was a feeling of when people are like, oh, you're always happy. And you kind of wanted to help people understand that no one in the world is always happy, which I think is a great message and is true and people need to hear. And that was, you know, that's an important thing. And obviously a really good cry is based on that, the idea that you get that ability to share your emotions. But what's really interesting is that sociologist Ben Aga says that people often reveal more of their inner feelings, opinions, and sexuality online than they would in person or even over the phone.

12:06And I think that's actually because in some cases, it's easier to be yourself with strangers than it is with the people that know you best. Because the people that know you best, when you share your emotions that way, then they're like, wait a minute, you're not like this. Wait, why are you doing this? What's going on here? Whereas when you share it online, you kind of sometimes feel heard and seen where a stranger goes, I feel the same way. Thank you for sharing that. And so I don't think it's fair for anyone to say, oh, you shouldn't share how you feel online because that may be where you feel safest for some people in an interesting way.

12:42Can you talk about what you've always shared with me, the oversharing thing I was saying about the protecting before you speak things that haven't happened? Yeah, this is a spiritual principle. I'm writing about it in my third book right now, actually. And it's this idea that I was always told in the monastery that when you share something before it's complete, that idea loses 50 % of its value. Wow. And actually, you lose the energy and the discipline to maybe even carry it through. And so often when you're excited about something, you just blurt it out. And then you never get around to doing it because in some cases you've already enjoyed the moment of sharing the success of it.

13:24and you've already gained the validation for it. And so you don't feel it anymore. Whereas when you keep something private and you build it and then you put it out into the world, it has a much better reaction for you as well because you used all that energy to complete the task. Yes. And that's what it's all about. It's not about whether it gets validation or praise. It's about, are you losing energy by talking about this thing to everyone? And so the way I've changed it is I talk to people who can actually give me insight or impact on that thing. So if someone can give me an idea, someone can help me with it, I'll share it with them.

14:00But if they can't, then I probably won't. And I found that to be true for me and it's really helped me in my life. I like building things in private and then launching them in public than talking about something in public forever and then putting it out there. And I may not even get around putting it out there. There's this weird line between like telling people things for accountability and then oversharing. Because sometimes you want to tell people that I'm trying to get to this goal and, you know, I'm telling you because I really want to make sure I get there. But then I have, you know, I completely relate to the telling everybody everything.

14:36And then you kind of lose the energy or the will to even get there because you've already, they said that you enjoy the success in your mind already. So it's almost like your, your mind doesn't know the difference between actually actually completing something and when you're talking about it because the same hormones or the same chemicals are released in your brain so when you've already technically succeeded by talking about it you have less motivation to complete it afterwards yes so that's i guess exactly yeah and that's so interesting i actually read something i actually came across this i think this morning on instagram and i'd saved it Yeah, it says why oversharing drains your aura according to Ayurveda.

15:15And it says if you ever felt off after a deep share online or with someone who didn't feel safe, Ayurveda says it's your aura and your energetic boundary getting weakened. And so it basically talks about how when you end up sharing sacred parts of yourself with people who haven't earned it, or whether you're venting too much on social media or explaining your life constantly or seeking constant external validation, the fact is that every single word carries intentionality. And when you end up sharing words over and over again, they lose their intentionality. They lose their power. They lose their energy.

15:45And that it scatters your energy all over the place. Rather than being focused on trying to actually fix the problem, it just scatters you. And I have noticed that I do think that there's this power of when you end up talking about things too much, it drains you and it drains the problem too, or it drains the excitement of something. It really is a draining practice to continuously keep talking. but on the other hand I have noticed that when you're in social situations I used to do this to try and fill gaps I would overshare things and I would talk about things unnecessarily or say things that really don't need to be talked about in this situation but to try and create a closeness and that's why oversharing is sometimes used in between people is let me tell you everything about my life so we feel close straight away it's like a false closeness that you can create and a way to a way to make people trust you because I'm going to tell you all I'm an open book I'm going to tell you everything about my life one because hopefully it makes you like me more two because now you can be vulnerable with me and three now it makes you feel like you're my best friend and it creates this connection as fast as possible yeah but I think it's really important to know when to share things and who to share things with because if they're not ready for it and if they don't know you well enough, it's so much harder to receive that information.

17:06Yeah. And I love that point. And I think that you actually end up being more confused because you've now told 30 people. So a lot of people now, I think you have a group chat and you tell 30 people who you're dating, what they said to you, and you're saying, what should I say back? And now you're asking 30 people, how are you going to process 30 people's backgrounds, walks of life, advice, insight? No wonder you feel lost and confused because you're asking 30 people in the group chat how to respond. And then you're asking someone else when you meet them and then exactly what you said about draining the problem.

17:38And I think one of the biggest things with oversharing now though, is that it's also different on different platforms. And so on Instagram and TikTok, because it's actually generally your face and your name, it's different where I know a lot of people who find people sharing their stories of miscarriages, IVF, breakups on Reddit is actually really helpful for them because they're reading about other people's anonymous experiences. And there's something we get from anonymous oversharing because the person can tell everything about their life because it's not their name. It feels a bit more authentic, I guess, as well, because you know that they're not doing it for themselves.

18:19They're sharing anonymously, which means that there must be some sort of truth to it. Yeah. And that they're being totally themselves because they don't have anything to gain. And so many people can turn to that and be like, oh my God, that's exactly what I'm going through. And that's exactly what I'm experiencing. And I think that is the same, even for someone on Instagram who's going through it. Like I follow plenty of people who are sharing their healing journeys, whether it's their health, whether it's a challenge they've went through. I find it so inspiring. So I rarely see something as oversharing from a consumer point of view.

18:49I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart. And I find it really amazing for the world that people can do that. I think it only makes the person who's sharing happy if their intention is not attention and validation. That's how I look at it. When I see someone, I see bravery, I see courage, I see a big heart. But for them, it will only fulfill them if it's done from the intention of, I want to serve, I want to help, I want to support, I want to share, but I'm not doing it for attention and validation. Do you think that, you know, we talk about this a lot where you really have to be careful about who you tell what to.

19:28And in that sense, we don't talk about that many wins that we have with too many people or even pain points, even about a relationship. You know, there are certain things that you keep private versus sharing it with people or being really mindful about who you share what with. Do you think other people's energy can affect the things that you are thinking about or doing in your life if you share it with the wrong people? Yeah, I don't think it's some sort of magic hocus-pocus thing. I think it's truly just their thoughts can affect you. For example, let's say you want to start something, right?

20:04And I was guilty of this a few months ago with us and you kindly called me out about it in a good way. You shared an idea with me about something and we were just messaging about it. My initial response was, yeah, we can't do that right now. And you were like, wait a minute, can you just let me share my idea? And you said it in a really nice way. And I got the message and I felt really bad about it and I was wrong. But my point is my energy did affect it. It did. I closed something down when I shouldn't have. So that's a really good example. So let's say someone's listening in right now and they're like, you've got an idea to start a YouTube channel or a podcast, or you want to write a book and you go and tell all your friends.

20:40and then all your friends go, why are you starting a podcast? Like, oh, you know, there's like a million podcasts now. It's not a hocus pocus, that energy affects you. You hear that and you go, yeah, maybe I shouldn't start it. So true. So all of a sudden that energy has affected you. Now, if you had shared it with a podcaster, that podcaster would have said to you, oh, great, what genre is it? What kind of podcast do you want to do? And you were like, yeah, it's all about relationships and it's all about connection. And then you could have asked them a question and they would have said, yeah, well, here's what you need to do.

21:09make sure you do one episode a week, make sure that you are really authentic and be yourself and make sure that you're consistent because something like 97 % of podcasts don't make it past episode two or three. Now, all of a sudden that person who's already done what you want to do is actually helping you. Whereas someone who hasn't done what you want to do is draining you. And so I think it is important because energy does impact you and affect you. And someone who's already done what you want to do is more likely to encourage you. Whereas someone who hasn't done it is more likely to discourage you because they may not understand.

21:43They think it's hard or they think it's complicated. Do you think people are happier when they're sharing more or do you think actually, like, oh, I'll ask you for yourself, when you made the decision to keep a lot of your own life private and be mindful about what you're sharing, did that bring more peace and clarity and confidence in what you're doing? Or did you feel like you're missing out on, did you feel a bit lonely without sharing things? I think people online, and I want to ask you the same questions back. These are great questions. I think we started to equate vulnerability with authenticity online.

22:17Tell me the difference. So if, no, no, no, it's, it's, we're saying that if you share stuff about your life, then you're authentic. If you don't share stuff about your life, you're not authentic. My take is authenticity is sharing the right thing with the right person at the right time. That's actually authentic, right? If I just found out that a family member was ill just today, I wouldn't tell everyone on social media, not because I'm being inauthentic, but the first person to call would be my family member. Exactly. So that's not an inauthentic act. It's actually the most authentic act. So I think we shouldn't fall for this trap where it's like, if you're not fully vulnerable online all the time that you're inauthentic, actually being authentic is being intentional and selective.

23:02That's my definition for it. So I feel very happy knowing what I share with you, what I share with my best friends, what I share with my mom, and then what I share online. Am I sharing my truth online? Of course I am. Am I sharing my heart online? Of course I am. Are there things that are private that need to be kept between me and my mom or me and you or me and my best friends? Of course there are because that's reality. And I don't think that makes someone inauthentic. I think it actually makes someone real because it's the same as saying, if you're, do you go into your workplace because social media is our workplace.

23:39You go into your workplace, stand up on your desk and tell everyone in your office everything about everything. And you would never do that. You wouldn't hijack the company Zoom call and say, guys, I just need everyone to know right now that this is what's going on in my life. You would just never do that. It's not normal. But online, we assume that that is the normal. I'm not saying it's bad if you do that. I'm just saying that for me, that's not authenticity. Yeah, I think I've really struggled with that. I think I've always gone between, oh, I just want to keep everything private now because everyone's opinions and everyone's thoughts on things are too much.

24:12And then back to, oh, maybe I should be sharing because me not talking about this seems like I'm really happy, but actually I've got this going on in my life and my grammar's not well and whatever. So maybe I should be sharing because I'm sharing smiles and happiness all online, but there's another part of my life that's happening. And then I've just come to the conclusion that no one will ever understand the duality in people's lives. And I think that's just my conclusion is of having gone through the ups and downs of sharing or not sharing. And even sharing within friendship circles, I think actually I don't share much with my friends or very selective about what I speak to, who I speak to about what.