Jay’s Must-Listens: The Biggest Lessons From 10 of Our Most Inspiring Conversations

25:05And I've had a pretty challenging life, and it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself or like being a victim or, you know, why isn't this happening to other people? Why is it happening to me? Why don't I have what that person has? I'm sure you know the expression comparison is the killer of joy. So, you know, it's like you got to get out of that game. You have to have a spiritual life. You just have to. You're reminding me of something beautiful

25:34Jay Shetty:that I came across called the third space theory. Have you heard of it? It's this idea that as humans, around 50 years ago, we had three spaces. So we had work, we had home, and then you had a temple, a synagogue, a church, a community center, or a third space. And the point of that third space, it's kind of what you're saying, was a place that you could look back at work and home, and you could reflect on your life. You could take stock. You could introspect. But as time's gone on, what's happened is we lost that third space. We stopped going to temple, church, community, whatever it may be. A place of self-reflection.

26:13Jay Shetty:A place of self-reflection. And we ended up with working at home. And then after the pandemic, we lost work. And so now we're in one space and we don't have a different vantage point to where we are anymore, which is what I think you're saying. Go back on even one more step that to me is like a prison. If you remove the spiritual life, spiritual practice, you remove the workplace, then you're in the home. And then removed once more from home is you're looking at your phone, which even takes you out of home. That's a great point, yeah. So, where are you? You're nowhere. We're living in the virtual world.

26:54Jay Shetty:Yeah. Yeah, we're living in the virtual world, not even in the material world. Yes, but a virtual world is not a bad world, but if you don't have consciousness, there's really no point to living. Yeah, so it's interesting to think about that because I feel like everyone can relate to the idea that if we all had, we need physical spaces to sometimes make us do internal things. Yes, I mean, some kind of ritualistic behavior has to happen. What have been your rituals? I'm intrigued. I'm curious. What are your spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and emblematic of your journey that have kept you going at the times, as you said, there were so many times you could give up or things could go wrong or you kept pushing and they kept you locked.

27:41Jay Shetty:What were they? What are they? Well, one really important thing is studying. Making time every week to sit down and study. I mean, you can study the Bible, you can study the poetry of Kahil Gibran, or you can study the Vedas, you know. And you did that, right? You actually studied different traditions on your part. I mean, to be honest, before I discovered Kabbalah, I was looking for answers. and why do you think that was why were you looking for answers because i had everything that people would assume would give you happiness i had successful career i had fame fortune monetary things physical things but i wasn't happy and i naturally sought out well when i was a dancer, I had a roommate, she was a Buddhist, and she would get up and chant every day.

28:42And so I was very intrigued by that. Like nothing bothered her, you know what I mean? Everything bothers me. Everything bothers me. I'm, you know, I'm a Leo. I'm Italian. I'm very dramatic. I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but I was just struck by her confidence and her knowingness that everything was happening for a reason. She never got upset about things. And this is in the beginning of my career when I was living in New York and I was broke and a lot of crazy things happened to me, really scary, traumatic things. And I would always ask her, her name is Marianne, I would always say, why are you never upset?

29:26So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it didn't speak to me. And then later on, I started practicing yoga, Ashtanga yoga. And my teacher, Eddie Stern, he still has a...

29:38Jay Shetty:Love Eddie. He's great. You know Eddie? Yeah, I do. Yeah, he's amazing. I got quite caught up and competitive about like first series, second series, third series. But one thing I noticed is that a lot of people would come into his practice, his studio where he taught, and they wouldn't even do the poses. They would just go and sit in front of the statue of Ganesh or light candles or prayer. And I realized, and Eddie pointed it out to me, because sometimes I would have injuries or I would be traveling and I couldn't practice yoga. And he'd say, look, are you breathing? And I'd say, yes. And he said, you're practicing yoga.

30:14So I realized that I was still too caught up in the physical poses. He's like, no, you don't understand. You're missing the whole point. the poses are just something that you do to breathe through to calm your nervous system down and to bring you back to your center and that really spoke to me you know you always get asked when you're like promoting these big films like so do you guys hang out on set and like do you guys hang out and like are you all friends and everyone sort of like nods enthusiastically but the truth is no one has seen each other outside of work like very very very rarely mostly because the schedule is insane everyone's so tired that when they get any time off you're going straight back to your hotel room to try to like claw in any piece of rest that you possibly can and like I don't know like it friendships require time and trust and presence and those things like very rarely come about they can and they like do occasionally but it's more of a more of a you know solar eclipse than a than an everyday situation so yeah but you have to pretend I think that's the part that starts to feel icky after a while is like you you have to pretend that you're all best friends and what's so sad and and I I know this isn't just the case for me but like I think people wish they were I think we wish we did have those real connections and we did have that real support.

31:45And so having to pretend that something exists that you actually really want but don't have is like, it's like pretty grainy in the wound, you know? It's like, it's pretty like tough pill to swallow to have to act out something that you wish were real but isn't real. And I think that's the part that starts to kind of, yeah, I can only speak for myself, but those are definitely the moments where I've been like, this feels dark. Like, is anyone else like, this feels dark.

32:17Jay Shetty:Yeah. And there's such a real reminder that it's still work. And it's almost like asking anyone who works at any company and saying, hey, do you hang out with your team after work every night? And the answer is probably no. Yeah, no, everyone's going home to their family. And maybe you've got a couple of, of course, you've got a couple of friends at work. And it's wonderful if you have a friend at work that you work out with or see after hours, but you're not hanging out as the whole crew. it's it's very unlikely 100 and and it and it is that reality check of no but this is also just work yeah and their character stories are not their personal stories and it doesn't and that's what i wanted to go back you mentioned that you talked about how harry potter had a family feel and i wanted to ask you how did that come about in the first like what what was where did the auditions come from like how did that become a part of your life yes so i did not go to a performing arts school.

33:12I'd never done anything. I never acted professionally, but they came, they, they did like a basically countrywide search to find Harry, Hermione and Ron. And so they asked my school if they wanted to submit any students who love drama, who wanted to audition. And so I was one of, I think about 12 students that was asked if I wanted to audition. I don't know. It was weird. I had this weird, weighted, fated sense of destiny pretty much from the moment that they mentioned the audition. I remember I brought, I think, maybe like seven different Beanie Babies with me along and like all these different like lucky talismans.

34:01And I loved the world and the book so much. My dad had been reading them to me before bed when I would spend weekends with him and on long car journeys. We'd often drive back and forwards to France, and that's how the time would be passed. And so I was just like, loved the world, loved Hermione. And for me, it wasn't so much about acting so much as it was that like, I just, the books meant so much to me personally.

34:34Jay Shetty:Did you feel like it was destiny for you or did it feel like, Did you always feel like it was going to be this? I always... Because obviously the books were already, you know. I always felt like Hermione was... I knew I was never auditioning for anything else. Like I knew it was her. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. Something felt right about it. And my, yeah, my poor parents, because if I hadn't have got it, I think they knew her crush. I ended up doing nine auditions over a period of over a year and a half, which for a nine-year-old is a massive commitment. But I was, I loved her.

35:16I loved it. I really did. What I try to do is just try to be still and understand that things come and go. Emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all. and then you can choose to do with them what you want versus being controlled by emotion. You know, a lot of times I've seen players, even myself, you know, when I was younger, being consumed by a particular fear and to the point where you're saying, okay, no, it's not good to feel fear. I shouldn't be nervous in this situation. And it does nothing but grow versus stepping back and saying, yeah, I am nervous about this situation.

35:58Yeah, I am fearful about this situation. Well, what am I afraid of? and then you kind of unpack it and then it gives you the ability to look at it for really what it is which is nothing more than your imagination running its course you know yeah absolutely yeah

36:11Jay Shetty:i love that because what you're saying is that when you're dealing with something it's almost like how can i get to the root of it yeah because sometimes what we're dealing with like you're saying it's an imagination illusion it's not really it's not it's not really a thing you know like you think about game winning shots and or game winning free throws and people go to the free throw line and they're nervous about it well what are you really nervous about if you unpack that. Okay. You're nervous that you're going to miss the shot. All right. So you missed the shot. Then what happens? People are going to be embarrassed.

36:37You're going to be embarrassed because thousands of people, millions of people see you missed a shot. All right. And then what people are going to talk bad about you. Okay. Right. And so you're looking at it and go, are those things even important? You know what I mean? If that, that is my fear. Like what, what is you worried about letting your teammates down? Okay. Have you let them down before? Oh, I'm sure. And practice and things of that nature, right? They're still there, yeah you know and so when you're able to unpack it you kind of look at it for what it is which

37:01Jay Shetty:is really nothing yeah i love that breaking it down i think that's so important i think everyone who's listening and watching right now next time you're facing a fear next time you're going against something do that like literally unpack it don't just settle for your first answer because the first answer is really the right one don't hide from it you know you got to be able to look at it and you know and and deal with it head on yeah i love that man and and you talk about that because you talk about, you know, when you talk about missing five throws and you talk about getting over yourself, right?

37:31Jay Shetty:Like getting over yourself. How did you get that mentality of just being like, I need to get over this. Like I need to get over myself. You know, trial and error, you know, you grow up and you make game winning shots and it's awesome. And you come back the next day and miss a game winning shot and it's misery. And then the next day comes and you're back playing again. And you understand that life has this cyclical nature where it's, you know, what you do on monday it's fantastic but then tuesday is a bad day but guess what there's wednesday so are we just supposed to live our lives like this the whole time you know versus just staying like this and understanding that it's really just a journey of evolution every day it's just constant improvement constant curiosity constantly getting better the results don't really matter uh it's the figuring out that matters yeah and we all get obsessed about the results yeah like we get obsessed about like the output yeah not the input of not figuring it out and not like changing things what you said trial and error like the experimenting yeah we forget to do that it's unfortunate man like i've seen a lot of players um especially now you know in youth basketball dealing with that um you have players that are like bigger and faster and stronger and you know their coaches are just coaching them for results you know we're just going to use your size that because you're bigger than every other 12 year old out there to dominate today but they're not growing right so they're just based on that result but they're not focused on growing this young child yeah into becoming a veteran athlete and through that teaching them how to become a more well-rounded person and we're missing that yeah see what you've said there just it i want to ask you this and i'm not saying because i you know like you know yourself best and you know how you've got there so i'm asking it from a place of humility of learning when i look at you i'm like you know your superpower isn't just your work ethic.

39:14Jay Shetty:Your superpower isn't just like figuring things out. Your superpower is like, you think strategically. Like that's a very strategic thought of saying, this person could be this in the future if they were developed as a whole individual, rather than just like, let's use them for the short term. Where did you develop that from, that ability to see beyond, to think deeper, to reflect deeper? Where did that come from? Well, I had to do that because, you know, I grew up growing up in Italy when I first moved over there, it was, you know, I didn't speak Italian. I didn't have any friends. You know, I had the game of basketball and through sport and playing soccer, I was able to make friends and build connections, but it was a lot of time spent alone.

39:53And, and when I came back to the States, I wasn't the most athletic kid. You know, I was really scrawny, like really, really skinny and had like major knee issues because I was growing. So I was the dorky kid with high socks and big old knee pads.

40:06Jay Shetty:It's fashionable now. It's fashionable now. It wasn't in, it wasn't in. And so I had to look long term because in the here and now, I couldn't compete with these kids. I mean, there's kids that were like 12 years old with beards. Like I can't. What am I supposed to do with that? Like they're doing windmills and dunking backwards and I'm happy to like tap the backboard, you know. So I had to look at it from a long term because I wasn't going to give up on the game. So I had to say, okay, this year I'm going to get better at that. Next year, this. And then so forth and so on. and then patiently I was able to catch them.

40:40The quote is, if you have a problem with me, text me. And if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me. That is so good. And I think that that is such a great piece of advice because as a celebrity, you live on this stage. You live out there. You kind of give out a version of yourself that you want people to see. And that can be the version of yourself that they can have a problem with or they can love. And there is a, you know, I feel like I'm quite authentic in my public persona. but I just try to really care about what my family thinks, what my friends think, what the people in my local community think.

41:16I live in Kingston. I know everyone that lives there. I can't walk five feet without bumping into one of my mum's friends. So yeah, so it's something I've been working on. I try my best to not let that stuff affect me. It does. Yeah, of course. I'm not cold hearted or anything like that. It does affect me, but I just try to move on and focus on the positives.

41:33Jay Shetty:Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. What was a, did you ever see your dad deal with everything and you thought wow that was incredible like was there anything specific that you remember that like seeing him like tackle something and you thought wow that really impressed me even if it was something really small in hindsight i think the thing i admire most about my dad is his resilience you know he's someone who has had an incredibly successful career in his earlier life and then later in life his career sort of plateaued and he struggled and he's never stopped. He's never given up. He's still gigging to this day.

42:06He's still writing books. He has a patron. He has a podcast. He's constantly grafting to get to where he wants to be. And I think being a young kid and seeing your dad continually working as hard as he can to kind of put his best foot forward, for me, has been a huge drive for my work ethic. I'll give it 100 % or I'll give it nothing. And I think a lot of that has come from my dad and seeing him deal with that. The funny thing about my dad is you talk about doing a bad gig. I must have seen him 20 times. I've never seen him do a bad gig. He always seems to absolutely rip it. But maybe that's just because we're in the audience.

42:42But no, I owe a lot to my dad. And a lot of the teachings are things he's told me and things I've just witnessed him do.

42:48Jay Shetty:And was there ever a piece of feedback or a rumor or something you saw that did affect you where you actually thought, or at least made you stop and go, God, I'm trying to see the positives, but this one's tough. Like this actually made me have to pause and figure it out. Something that did really upset me, I was in New York. I was shooting the crowded room and I was having a really hard time with the job just because of how taxing it was, the emotional capacity that I was having to get to every day. And I decided to delete my Instagram because I just felt like I was so addicted to this kind of false version of my life that it was just taking over.

43:28I would be on set working. I'd come and sit in my chair and just scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. And it was, it was becoming a problem. I was just obsessed with it. And I was obsessed to find out what people were saying and how people, what they thought about me. So I decided to make an announcement, which unfortunately we have to do and say that I'm taking a break from social media. And I, and I tried to position myself and say like, I'm taking a break from social media because I feel like my mental health will benefit from it. And the thing that really upset me is the press ran with that and they tried to make out that I was having this mental breakdown.

44:03And what upset me was if I was having a mental breakdown, that's not for you to report on. They took the story in the wrong direction and they painted again this negative light on mental health rather than saying, oh, he's doing it. It's okay that he's doing it. So we should all feel okay to do it too. They were saying, oh, look, he's not the perfect happy go lucky kid you think he is he's having a nervous breakdown in new york and i think that that was a really unfair line of journalism let's say because i just think it again kind of painted people looking for help in the wrong light if you know what i mean yeah yeah absolutely absolutely it

44:43Jay Shetty:almost sounds like you were actually preemptively going i'm doing this so that i don't right go in that direction totally at least i'm not trying to put words in your mouth but absolutely it's almost like I'm proactively seeing that I could end up in a position where I might have a breakdown. I don't want to be in that position. And so I'm responsibly saying, guys, I'm taking a break in order to protect myself. 100%. Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense and actually is quite admirable again. Totally. And that's kind of what the message of the show is about. Like the message of our show is that asking for help should be something that we celebrate.

45:16If you're struggling, if you need help, if you feel bad and you wake up and you go to a friend, a therapist, a teacher, an employee or a colleague and say, I'm really struggling, I need some help. That should be something that we give you a pat on the back. Like, I would love to help you. I'm delighted that you asked me. And that, for me, that announcement was kind of my olive branch and the press ran with it how they ran with it. But to be fair, it kind of gave me a great drive to finish the crowded room in the way that we did to like, if you're not going to listen to my personal message then you have to listen to the message of my show yeah so it kind of went hand in hand

46:15i just wanted to do dry january and all i could think about was having a drink. It's all I could think about. I was waking up thinking about it. I was checking the clock. When's it 12? And it just really scared me. I just was like, wow, maybe, maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol thing. So I sort of decided to punish myself and say, I'll do February as well. I'll do two months off. If I can do two months off, then I can prove to myself I don't have a problem. Two months go by and I was still really struggling. I felt like I couldn't be social. I felt like I couldn't go to the pub and have a lime soda.

46:52I couldn't go out for dinner. I was really, really struggling. And I started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem. So I decided that I would wait until my birthday, which is June 1st. I said to myself, if I can do six months without alcohol, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem. And by the time I had got to June 1st, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I could sleep better. I could handle problems better things that would go wrong on set that would normally set me off I could take in my stride I had so much such better mental clarity I felt healthier I felt fitter and I just sort of said to myself like why why am I enslaved to this drink why am I so obsessed by the idea of having this drink and I would look back and recognize that I would go to events for work.

47:43And I can't enjoy myself until I've had a few beers. And I just felt so much pressure. And this is one of the things why I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community, because so much of it is about how much can you drink? Let's get you as drunk as possible. And it's honestly been the best thing I've ever done. I'm a year and a half into it now. It doesn't even cross my mind. I found amazing replacements that I think are fantastic. ones that are also really healthy i found this one beer that it's full of electrolytes and it's you know the carbohydrates in it are long-lasting energy so like having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing i'm really lucky that all my friends are super supportive about it i've never run into that scenario where my friends are like oh go on just have a beer like you're fine they've always sort of really supported me and i don't want to be that person that's saying to people you should get sober you should get sober if i could encourage someone to drink less then that's great, but I don't want to start getting into the world of you need to stop drinking because I just, it's not for me to say.

48:43I went on my own little journey. I'm really enjoying it. I'm delighted that my mum's has also given up. She's loving it. And it's been amazing. I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking.

48:54Jay Shetty:Yeah. I feel amazing. That's amazing, man. I love hearing that. And I love hearing that it's been great for you, right? I think that's the point. Not everything has to be like, look what I did. You can do it too. It's kind of like, no, this is just what's been great for me. Do you think it was partly that attitude for you, at least in the beginning where it's like, well, I can drink. I drink a lot. It comes from my mom genes and it doesn't affect me. And then all of a sudden you realize, well, wait a minute. It's more than that. Because I think there is that, like I was like that as a young man as well.

49:19Jay Shetty:Like for me, it was, it was easy to drink. I didn't drink daily. For me, I drank a lot more socially and I love playing drinking games with my mates. And that was really what I enjoyed the most probably. and for me when I quit I could just quickly see how it just got me into doing things I would never do if I wasn't drunk so for sure for me it was more that but yeah I wonder for you did you find that it's there's a really fine line between like oh I know I can drink a lot and then all of a sudden you're kind of addicted not addicted beyond that no addicted mate I'm happy to say like I was definitely addicted to alcohol not shying away from that at all I think anyone that wakes up and has it not wakes up anyone that has a beer every day is probably got a little bit of a problem but yeah you're right I would drink and drink and drink and drink and then you would just reach that moment where you're like wow I shouldn't have had that last beer and you wake up the next day and you have a terrible headache and you're suffering I bought one of those rings that will tell you about your sleep yeah or a ring yeah and it was amazing because I couldn't sleep I was like why can't I sleep I'm working 14 hours a day I'm doing two hours in the gym I'm eating really healthily and I can't sleep what's wrong with me I bought this ring and it was booze it just it was it completely affected my sleep.

50:25And since I've given it up, I can sleep anywhere. You know, it's also interesting as well, going on nights out and having a great time as the sober person. And then getting to that point in the night where people start, you know, spitting in your ear and everyone's like, I love you, man. I love you so much. And you're like, yeah, brilliant. I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm going to bed. I love being that person now. I love seeing my friends on the golf course at 8am in the morning, feeling fresh and ready to go. And they're sort of crawling out their car. So yeah, so I'm over the moon to be sober.

50:58I love it. There are three pillars of adult friendship based on research that are also going to help you understand that when people come and go in your life, 99 % of the time, it's not personal. And you actually haven't lost them as a friend. One of the three pillars is missing. So the three things that need to be required to have a friendship happen are the same three things that were around all the time when you were a kid. Number one, proximity. Proximity matters tremendously. Proximity means who are you actually physically next to. In fact, they've done research, Jay. If you and I were in a dorm and we lived across the hall, I don't remember the percentages exactly, but it's like 90 % chance we're going to be friends.

51:40Jay Shetty:Interesting. The poor person at the end of the hallway, 10 % chance that we're going to be friends with them because of proximity. Even a matter of 50 feet makes a difference. And so when you were little, you were in proximity to people your age all the time. All day. Exactly. The research also shows that to have as an adult a kind of casual friend, you need to spend approximately 70 hours with somebody. To have a close friend, 200 hours. So when you're an adult, that creates a big problem. Because who are you spending all your time with once you're 20? The American Time Study shows that it's with people you work with.

52:16So why aren't we best friends with people at work? because you have proximity and you're spending a lot of time together. But here's the thing, timing. When you were little, you were in the same timing of life with everybody. When you hit your 20s and it's now individual, everybody's on different timelines. Some of your friends are getting married. Some are going to graduate school. Some are now pursuing jobs. Other people are moving out of the city, into the city. Everybody's timing is now different. And this also explains why you're almost never best friends with people at work because the timing is off.

52:48You're sitting next to people that are in very different times of their life. You may like them a lot and you may be friends, but you never spend time outside of work because they're at home with their family and you're going out with your buddies your age on the weekends. And then that brings me to the third thing that needs to be present for a friendship to truly click and that's energy. And the thing about energy is it changes. And you can have fantastic energy with somebody, and then if you decide you're not drinking anymore, the energy's off.

53:22Jay Shetty:Yeah. If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the energy's off. If you have very different political beliefs, the energy's off. It's not personal. It's one of these three pillars, and it has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to realize that people come and go, and it's a beautiful thing, and you should let them. And you should really, if you have a friendship that starts to dissipate, right? ask yourself before you blame them or you blame you are any one of these three pillars missing are we not near each other anymore is the timing of our lives off is there just something about the energy that hasn't clicked because you can't force those things but what i've found is that when you recognize that those are really important factors to your connection to someone else, that if a friendship starts to fade for me, it's so easy to say, let them.

54:21And I don't wish anybody bad. I literally wish people well. Because the other thing that I've learned, and you know, being 56, I've had a lot of friends come and go in different phases of my life, that you would be startled by how many people from your past that you no longer, quote, consider friends because you haven't seen them in a very long time or things just got weird, if you actually called them, they'd pick up the phone.

54:47Jay Shetty:They would. If you texted them, the research shows that when you get a surprise text from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time, the amount of joy that you feel. And so I want you to consider, if you're very lonely right now, that there's actually probably hundreds of people from your past that still consider you a friend. And if you take the approach that I'm talking about, which is friendship is your responsibility. you need to go first let me create the friendship and the connection that i want and you can start by literally taking a look through your past and thinking about people that you remember fondly and just sending them a text and you will be startled by what comes back because they're there they haven't actually gone anywhere the connection is still there and oftentimes even if you've had somebody where something's been off, again, let them and wish them well.

55:41And there will be a time, I promise you, where the timing or proximity or energy comes back around again. It took me a while to learn that, you know, there's no way we could be everything to each other. We have different interests, different goals. There was a stage in my marriage where I thought that's what a partner was supposed to be. You know, you should call me all the time. We should talk all the time. We should be each other's best friends all the time. Our marriage got better when I got better about that, because I think he already had that independence, this notion of, I love you. Even if I don't talk to you today, that to me is like, I don't need that.

56:23I felt like I needed more of that. But as I got older, right, I got more mature, more clear about my own goals. I realized that I, you know, he can't be responsible for my happiness. I have to be responsible for that. I have to define it for myself. I have to learn how to achieve it. My husband is definitely a part of that, but he is not the, he, I cannot put him in the center of my happiness. That freed me up to let him be him and let me be me. So I have friends who give me things that my husband doesn't give me. I have girlfriends. One distinction that we have is like, I'm a talker. All right, when I sit down with my girlfriends, we can talk for days.

57:13I mean, literally for days. We can take a break for lunch, but we can talk. You know, my husband's not, he can talk, but he'll come by a friendship session, you know, nine o 'clock in the morning, I have a friend staying with me. And he's like, what are y 'all talking about? I was like, well, we're just now getting into our kids. And we're going to talk about each one of them separately for like an hour. He's like, I couldn't do that. He can't be that for me. But I have really good, mostly girlfriends, who give me that. We will dissect life to the bitter. We will wring everything out of every subject.

57:51And he's like, I think I'm done. And I was like, well, you can go be done because I've got her. And we just got started. We got 12 more hours to go, right?

58:02Jay Shetty:And that's so beautiful to hear because I think, especially when we're young, we think that that person has to be all of that. And from the beginning and, or they'll become it. There's the other fallacy of like, oh, well, I know who they could be and who they could become. How much of that did you feel you had to disconnect and detach from of like what this person could be to you? Obviously not in the world, but. I had to disconnect from all of those beliefs, right? And every couple is different, I've found. I know people who are each other's best friends. They like to travel together. They walk and hold hands.

58:38And I have friends who are in relationships where they talk like every hour. I'm like, are you talking to him again? Nothing changed. You know, it's up to the individuals to define that for themselves. That's the key word, yeah. For Barack and I. And I think you should be clear about that because the other thing is that when we hold on internally to an expectation of the other person, we don't even share it. So now we're mad that you haven't even fulfilled something I never even told you I needed. That takes time and it takes work, which is why marriage is hard, right? Because you'll have the tendency to live in your head and live out the image of what you want them to be.

59:17And you haven't even communicated that to them. That's just one little fraction of the challenge of marriage. and friendship and all of that. It's hard. It takes time, but it's worth it.

59:29Jay Shetty:Absolutely. Yeah, I think those check-ins are the hardest. I know that there's four check-ins that I try and keep a good habit around with my wife that have really helped me. One of them is every day I'll ask her, like, what was your highlight today? Or what did you learn today? Something positive, something like, what's the best thing that happened to you today? I want to know because it's so easy for us to get so busy in our days, not see each other all day, not speak all day. And days can go by like that too, because we're also traveling. Then every week I try and ask her like, how can I, what can I help you with this week?

1:00:03Jay Shetty:Like, is there something coming up that I just need to be aware of? Sometimes it's just information. And that gives me an opportunity to also tell her I've got a really stressful week coming up. Just know that I may not be at my best this week. I'm just letting you know. Every month I'm, you know, checking in with her and trying to just say to her like, Like, what's your big focus for this month? Like, you know, what's the big thing that you're working on? Then every year is easy. Like, you know, what's your goal this year? A resolution or whatever. And I find that those questions, and sometimes every quarter I'll ask a question, which is the hardest one, but it's like, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to?

1:00:40Jay Shetty:And if it isn't, what are you willing to do? And what am I willing to do to get it back on track? Because I find so often, like if you just don't talk about that deep intimacy, So you're just going on different tracks. And that's why five years later, you're like, well, I don't know you anymore. Yeah, yeah. And so I find that like staying in close contact. But one of the biggest things I read, which I wanted to try with you, was the Gottman Institute talked about how the number one skill or habit in relationships, and they looked at couples who'd stayed together the longest, and they found it wasn't date nights.

1:01:12Jay Shetty:It wasn't vacations. It wasn't any of this stuff. It was learning how to fight. Oh, for sure. knowing how to deal with conflict. And most couples, obviously, we all go, well, we never fight or we're never going to fight, but it's inevitable. So I came up with these three fight styles and I wanted to know how you see yourself and how you see President Obama, how he would see himself. And so the three fight styles are a venter, which means I want to fix and solve it right now. You like to vent, but you're really trying to fix and solve it. The second one is you're a hider. You need time and space to think about it.

1:01:45Jay Shetty:You just want to go spend time by yourself. And then the third one is the exploder, where it's like, I want my emotions to be heard, felt, and seen before we take time apart or before we try and solve it. Which one are you? Okay, so I've changed over. Interesting. I think early on in our relationships, I was more of an exploder. Wow. I think he has always been a fixer, right? The venter, yeah, fixer, yeah. So then I would be explosive and then want to hide, right? It's like, I want to explode. Let me have my emotions and then give me a moment. Yes. Right. And he's like, we've got to fix this. We've got to, you know, shut this down.

1:02:22We've got to, I will figure it out. Let's talk this through. Yes. And I love that about him, especially as a man. You know, he is somebody that is not afraid to put his emotions out. He's smart. And so he knows me. So he's like, he won't let me pretend like there's nothing wrong because he knows, I know there's something you're a little off and, but I've had to learn that exploding on a fixer, it doesn't feel good to them. Right.

1:02:53Jay Shetty:It just, you know, it feels good for me, but it doesn't feel good for him. Right. But he's learned that as a hider, that I do need a little more time. Right. If I'm exploding, I can't be rational enough to talk through your fixing. And if you want to fix it, then I've got to be in a rational place. So let me hide for a minute so I can get myself down to a fixer place. Yes. I think that's been the trajectory of our sorting through learning how to argue. If you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough. Simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence. It's a sign of deep understanding.

1:03:40Jay Shetty:As a speaker, a leader, a communicator, a manager, whatever you may be, if you're able to be concise, simple, it will be so much more powerful. Remember this, confusion creates resistance. Clarity creates cooperation. If someone doesn't understand you, they can't support you. Good communicators ask if they were understood. Bad communicators assume they were. Good communicators aim for understanding. Bad communicators aim to be right. Notice the difference. Principle 3. People don't argue with facts, they argue with threat. Here's a powerful insight. Most disagreements are not about facts. They're about identity and safety.

1:04:33Jay Shetty:When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening. Let me say that again. When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening. How many times have you stopped listening when you felt that way? Now think about all the times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone. I know I've made that mistake. I constantly feel that if someone really understands what they got wrong or they were really made clear on the mistake they made that that would make them listen more. But actually we're not listening to that because it's not factual. It feels like opinion.

1:05:11Jay Shetty:It feels personal. It feels like an attack. Researching conflict psychology shows that once someone feels threatened they prioritize self-protection over understanding. This is actually mind-blowing. You think about all the interactions you have, home or work. When you make someone feel attacked, they're only thinking about protecting themselves. Effective communicators lower threat first. At work, here's what I'm seeing. Tell me if I'm missing something. At home, this matters to me and I want to understand your side. These phrases do one thing They create safety Remember this People don't need to feel corrected They need to feel considered Once safety is present Truth can land Before sharing feedback Before saying something that's hard to hear Before you're about to have a difficult conversation First, set safety Second, make sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention of safety and choose your words that really align with that energy because you want to have an impact.

1:06:26Jay Shetty:A lot of people say, well, I should just be able to say what I want and people should understand. Well, if that's what you want, then that isn't a relationship based on care. It's not a relationship based on love. It's not a relationship based on connection. It's a relationship based on you wanting people to understand you but not taking the moment to understand them. I think this can all change for us. It can all change when we prioritize principle four. Questions change everything. One of the most powerful communication tools is curiosity. Research from negotiation psychology shows that asking open-ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation.

1:07:09Jay Shetty:Statements trigger resistance. Questions invite collaboration. Instead of, you're not listening, ask, can you tell me what you heard from what I just said? Instead of, this isn't working, ask, what do you think would make this work better? Questions shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership. Here's a phrase that instantly de-escalates tension. Help me understand. That sentence creates space where conflict used to be. There are so many challenges with the growth of AI. There are so many risks that it presents. But one of the things that I'm grateful it has done is that it has brought humans back to asking better questions.

1:07:56Jay Shetty:We grew up at a time when answers were everything. Now we know answers are everywhere and all of a sudden questions and prompts are the key to our intelligence. The better you are at asking questions, the better results you'll actually get from AI. So that's a great way for us to test whether we know how to ask good questions, whether our questioning and curiosity ability is actually improving. That's the goal. If you can do that, you will actually lead your team, guide people, move people in a much stronger way. Manifestation is clarity about what you want and what it takes. Manifestation is writing it down and then building it step by step.

1:08:43Jay Shetty:Manifestation is persistence when motivation fades. Manifestation is aligning your choices with your values, not just your wishes. If you just make it about your wishes, if you just make it about what you're writing, if you don't ever make it about the how, right? People say, start with why, really important. You should know why you're doing what you're doing. You should know what you wanna build. But if you don't know how you're going to get there, it's almost the hardest thing, right? If you don't know how you're going to get to the party on a Saturday night, if you don't know how you're going to get to your vacation destination, if you don't know how you're going to build that company, it becomes a lot harder.

1:09:24Jay Shetty:Spend more time figuring out the how and you'll know that you're making momentum. You'll know you're making progress. You'll know you're moving in the right direction. See, the thing is, I really want you to get there. I really want you to experience the joy of building something you love. I don't just want it to remain a dream in your mind and your heart space that never gets to see the light of day. Myth number four, the universe rewards wanting. If I want it badly enough, I'll get it. It does not work that way. Desire is fuel, but direction is the map. Without it, you spin in circles. Have you ever desperately wanted a job, relationship, or whatever it may be, but you had no strategy?

1:10:12Jay Shetty:Desire without direction is like stepping on the gas with no steering wheel. The reticular activating system, also known as RAS, filters what you notice. Define a goal and your brain literally starts spotting opportunities. For example, once you think of buying a red car, you see them everywhere. So here's the step. Each morning, write down three things you want to notice that day. Maybe new clients, learning opportunities, or ways to connect. Your RAS will tune in. This is so important. If you have a goal to write a book, start a podcast, build a company, ask yourself, what is it that you need?

1:10:57Jay Shetty:I was talking to a friend the other day and I'd said to him how important it was for him to show up to networking events. I said, if you're out with those events, you're going to meet people, people are going to see you, you're going to get to connect with them. He was avoiding it for months and months and months. He finally went to one and he was shocked at what it felt like to be front of mind. When you're present, you get to have the conversations you would never get to if you weren't there. So many of us avoid the actual action, even though in our mind, we're wondering, why is this business not taking off?

1:11:29Jay Shetty:Why is it not starting off? because we're not positioning ourselves in the places that we need to be. Remember, you don't see things as they are. You see them through your own fears and hopes. You don't see yourself as you are. You see the story you keep repeating about who you are. You don't see the future as it is. You see the version you believe is possible. So many of us have the wish. We have the want. We have the desire. We don't have the direction. We don't have the drive. And where does that drive come from? It comes from picking something that you really value. I mean, everyone would want to be financially free.

1:12:11Jay Shetty:Everyone would want abundance. Those are things we all want. But what does that look like for you? How does that manifest for you? When I say that, what I mean is, how do you envision that? How's it unique to you? And how are you going to get there that's unique to you? If you connected with today's episode, check out my raw and honest talk with the one and only Cardi B. She opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced rising to fame and creating a life for her children. But you can tell me I'm a bad mom. I'm a great mom. If I'm good at something, it's being a mom.