Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)

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0:05This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose. If you've ever felt off balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset. Delta invited four creators to explore one idea. What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? And the results? Based on their Aura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested. and a sense of clarity stayed long after the trip. With Delta, fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel. So I have a question for the guys out there. Does the phrase skincare routine make you think too much work? Yeah, I thought so. And I used to feel the same way.

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1:19Checking off the boxes on your to-do list is a great way to keep your mind clear. That's why a State Farm agent is there to help you choose a coverage option that's right for you. As you go through life getting that new house, car, boat, motorcycle, or even RV, helping protect it is always a good idea. Whether you prefer talking in person, on the phone, or on the award-winning app, State Farm is there to help protect what's important to you. And with so many coverage options, it's nice having help to find what fits for you. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Shetty Jay Shetty The one, the only Jay Shetty Studies show that a child's emotional intelligence and resilience is strongly shaped by their parents' approach to discipline and communication But with so much parenting advice out there it can be hard to know what really works We're judged in many roles in our lives, but it seems we're judged the most in our roles as parents There's no handbook to parenting yet We're expected to never make any mistakes Parenting is fulfilling but challenging Every stage comes with new lessons Today's guests bring different perspectives Psychologists, experienced parents and public figures balancing family with busy careers Let's start with one of the biggest parenting struggles, discipline.

2:51Discipline is about teaching, not punishing. It's so important that we know how to set boundaries in a way that builds confidence, not fear. It's important that we create a safe, supportive environment where kids can learn from mistakes. Dr. Elisa Pressman will be talking about how discipline is about teaching, not punishing. I feel like discipline is so controversial. but I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. So if I had to sum it up, and I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching, and it's teaching because it actually influences your growth and development.

3:31It's not just for my entertainment. Then your kids trust you a little bit more and the relationship is stronger. But I think the key with discipline is not being afraid of how our kids react to it and having the strength of purpose and belief that if they do have a negative reaction to it, we can love them all the way through it, but we're not going to change our minds about it. Because that's where it gets messy, is that if we're talking all about how important the relationship is, and then you have this limit that you set, like, this is my expectation of you, and your child doesn't like it. This simply, like, I take the phone away at night or the iPad or whatever.

4:14and your child is freaking out about it, then you go, well, now I've messed with the relationship. And so I guess I should, they're crying and I need to like get back in there. So, okay, I'll give you more time or whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that kids aren't going to say thank you for the boundaries and limits that we set and that we set them with the intention of physical and emotional safety about not just them, but other people. Like we're not just raising kids in a vacuum. They have to move through the world and think about community and other humans.

4:52And so what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people. And so it's that balance between be there for yourself, but also not to the extent that you can't, you know, that you're entitled and don't respect that there are other people in the world. I mean, there's three kind of parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not, you know, that's a whole other thing. But there's like the permissive, which is best friend parenting. And it is so sensitive and they do like you and you can play as many video games as you want. And all that's great, except for you have no, nobody's steering the ship.

5:26And so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and a sense that you are too responsible for things. And the other side of it is authoritarian, where it's fear-based and it's just rules. And it's just because I said so, but without the like, I know you really love doing this and I wouldn't stop you from doing it if I didn't know that it was better for your brain or whatever. So that's the middle path of like authoritative where you're sensitive, but you stick with your limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to benefit your kids. Even when you have limits and rules, you want your kids to know as you're describing your mom that they have you.

6:07So if you do mess up, you can still go to them instead of being terrified. And so that's this weird thing where it's like, here are my expectations. Also, I want to name the fact that you're going to blow it sometimes. And I want to be the person you come to. And that's something to say not when they're struggling. And I think part of the reason why it's hard to get kids to open up is because we try to get in there when they're in the center of the struggle. Instead of like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations and you give the language when nobody's in the heat of the moment.

6:46So that when the heat of the moment comes, they already know that they can come to you. And you can just say to them, I can tell something's going on. I'm here whenever or if ever. And then just leave space. A lot of times doing something with a kid who's not opening up, like going for a drive even, so that you're not looking at each other. And, you know, I can't think of any sport right now because I'm not super sporty. But, you know, like playing, I'm like, what is it called when one does a game with someone? Pickleball. Thank you. So you go play pickleball. Yeah. You're playing pickleball. It's going to come up.

7:26But you want to just like put little tiny moments where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not going to say anything. And one of the things that helps is that when your kids do tell you something, you say, thank you for telling me before you have any other reaction. And that may be your only reaction. And then you give them a little space and then you say, is there anything I can do? With younger kids, you want to be, this is going to sound ridiculous if you don't think about animals this way, but I do. So tell me if it resonates, but you kind of want to be a dog. you're wagging your tail when you're excited to see them you're always there and you're like really enthusiastic and they need that but then as they get older imagine your 11 to 25 year old self you need to be a cat so you're like a little you're there you're always around you're not you might you're touching their feet like you're not overly on top of them but if they're interested they can come to you, but you're not going anywhere.

8:35So it's like, it's this safe thing where you're there for them, but it's, it's not so intense. And then they have the opportunity to open up a little bit. And when they do, you don't pounce like a dog. You stay a cat who's like welcoming the information, but not, you know, saying, oh my God. And then, you know, cause you don't want your kids to think you can't handle my truth. So I'm not, you're not the person to tell. Yeah. And I feel that's the hardest time to be the cat because you're scared about them getting involved in the worst stuff, like whether it's drugs or, um, you know, addiction to social media or getting involved in the wrong circles.

9:15Like that's the age at which it's going to happen. Yeah. It's terrifying. Yeah. It's terrifying. So they're not, and they're getting a driver's license. They can drink now, you know, as, you know, as they get older, it's like, it's almost like those are the times where you want to be more hands-on. And you are fit. That's why I say you're physically present. Like I think toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody, but we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever, but you're home. Like if they're going to a party, you're home to greet them and look into their eyes. So you don't need to ask if they've been drinking because you will know when you hug them and look in their eyes and you can have a conversation in a different kind of way than if you're sort of like, I'm out, you're out, you're older, you know, take an Uber, don't drive drunk.

10:04I'll see you tomorrow. So I think your presence is important, but the, the, the sense that you're like kind of all over them verbally has, you have to pull back a little bit and it's terrifying. But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the expectations from, you know, about substances and social media and whatever, it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they need is to know that they don't have to explain it and they can just come to you and be sad. Attachment relationships are dynamic. So you aren't just like, it used to be, we used to think like you're either, you know, you have a baby, you develop the secure attachment.

10:48It's like a bond and that's it. But we know now it's dynamic. And so if you have a five-year-old or a 16-year-old or a 35-year-old, you can still grow that healthy attachment relationship. So you can change. Our job is not to fix, it's to be there. And that's what secure attachment is. Even in your adult relationships, it's like, who can sit with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings? Because the idea of being happy isn't really about always being happy. It's about knowing you can come back from whatever it is that you're going through and you will be happy again. And if our kids experience the range of things that come their way and they know that they have someone sort of sitting by their side, they end up in this relationship that is securely attached and it's not like one and done.

11:45And if it didn't, you know, that's the thing that I think is the trickiest is feeling like I'm responsible for my child's constant happiness. I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there for every moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling, which you can't, as you know. And I think sometimes people feel like they're maybe better or worse at different stages. And so there's, you know, like this assumption that we're going to kind of know what to do. Like the idea that you do come home from the hospital and you're just like, okay, I guess. I just feel like in adulthood, this happens all the time. Like I remember just the first time I was, you know, in my twenties and I had my own apartment and I was like, wait, I can just decide what I'm doing.

12:31I can open a bottle of wine. Like there were things that I still was like, I'm going to, it's bizarre. And now like that I'm the last, you know, person in charge of whatever, and there's nobody that I'm supposed to ask and I can make a decision. I'm still kind of like, is that okay? And so the idea that you're just like in charge of raising a whole human being or more is really daunting. And we all kind of think everybody else knows. We don't know. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster.

13:12ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This week on a very special episode of Health Discovered, we're taking a closer look at a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of men each year, prostate cancer. I first found out about my cancer on my birthday at the age of 45. Found out my cancer has spread to my pelvic bone. And from there, life just changed. About one in eight men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lifetime. And the risk increases with age. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence. And the only thing I could think about was, who's going to take care of my family?

13:55You have to go out there and build your support system. You got to build your team. In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection, along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health. Listen to Health Discovered on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app, search Health Discovered, and start listening.

14:22Stop settling for weak sound. It's time to level up your game and bring the boom. Hit the town with the ultra-durable LG XBoom portable speaker and enjoy vibrant sound wherever you go. Elevate your listening experience to new heights, because let's be real, your music deserves it. The future of sound is now with LG XBoom. And for a limited time, save 25 % at LG.com with code FALL25. Bring the boom. XBoom. The next clip is from Dr. Daniel Amen, who talks about the importance of presence and emotional connection. He talks about this special time technique, which is the importance of 20 minutes a day of uninterrupted physical time with children plus active listening.

15:10He talks about the need to set firm, loving boundaries with consistent follow-through and small intentional actions that make a big difference in connection. If you want to have influence with your children, if you want them to seriously consider your values, you have to be connected with them. And what does that take? Time. Like actual physical time where you're not on your phone, but you put the phone away and you spend 20 minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise I talk about in the book that I love so much that, you know, all the things I've recommended to my patients over the last 45 years, when I decided to be a psychiatrist 45 years ago, special time, it's magic.

16:02And 20 minutes a day, do something with your child, child wants to do, that's reasonable, you can do in 20 minutes. So it's like not take me to Nordstrom's. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions. It's just time to be together. And it's money in the relational bank. And I remember when I first figured this out, my literary agent had a child later in life. We were talking on the phone, and he's like, my daughter Laura doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And she's two. And he said, that's like a girl thing, right? A mother-daughter thing. They don't want anything.

16:47I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her. What? What do you mean I'm ignoring? I'm like, you're ignoring her. Do this. And he said, that won't work. I'm like, oh, great. You represent an idiot. My own literary agent won't do what I say. Do it. In fact, I'm going to put you in my schedule for three weeks. I'm going to call you, get the party started. And so three weeks go by. I call him up, Carl. Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my leg and wants her time. All she wants to do is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem. That's what we want, right? That's what we're after.

17:31So actual physical time. And now parents are so busy, they're not spending this one-on-one alone time listening. So that's the second part of it. So time, actual physical time, and shut up. It's so important. You love them so much, you want to pour all of your knowledge, all of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on and download it into their head. Don't do that. Listen to them. And therapists learn this technique called active listening. That whenever someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how to think. You repeat it back and you listen for the feelings behind the words.

18:21So if my son came home and said, dad, I want to have blue hair, I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said. No way and hell, as long as you live in this house or you can have blue hair. But what does that do? It just stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Active listening teaches you repeat back what you hear. Oh, you want to have blue hair and then be quiet long enough for them to explain what's really going on. And he might say, all the kids are wearing their hair blue. Now, I've been to a school. I know not Everybody's blueheaded. And if I would have said that to my dad, I don't know what your dad would have said.

19:05I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair. If they're going to jump off a bridge, are you going with them? That one for sure. I've heard that plenty of times. And what does it do? Stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Sounds like you want to be like the other kids. Completely different conversation. But that's, and he might say, Dad, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Now, my mother would have said, what do you mean you don't fit in? Of course you fit in. You're a good boy. You're a good-looking boy. You're a nice boy.

19:41And that's not helpful either. What's just helpful is so sometimes you feel like you don't fit in. And then give it a breath. So they're the ones solving their problem. Now, at the end of a half an hour, he says, I still want to have blue hair. I'm going to tell them no way in hell as long as you live in my house because it's not cool to look weird. I mean, if you look weird, you're going to hang out with weird people, right? It's okay to have boundaries around behavior. Some parents, they have like no boundaries. And I think some boundaries are appropriate. What does loving discipline look like?

20:20Because I think it sounds good. Like we were all like, yeah, I would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be loving. And often we don't even figure out what that means in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving or disciplined, but we're not. I think it should be both. What does it look like? Well, you know, we haven't gotten to rules. I think families should have them. Society has rules, like tell the truth, do what mom and dad say the first time. I love that rule. Because do you know your chance of abusing the child? If you tell a child to do something five times, your chance of abusing that child just went up significantly.

20:59And so if you have the expectation they'll do things the first time, it's like, Caitlin, I want you to take out the trash. Like in the next half hour. And if she doesn't, it's like, sweetheart, you have a choice. You can take it out now, or you can have this consequence, and then you can take it out. I don't care. It's up to you. And I love that part of not being attached to it. I love her. I'm really clear. And she's getting that consequence if she doesn't move. Stop threatening them and then not following through. Because you teach them that you have to tell them and get angry and be a bit crazy in order for them to do what you ask them to do.

21:47And I like the rules and rhythms and routines. I remember in my home, after dinner, me and my sister would clean up and we had a little rotor of who washed up that day and who cleaned the table that day. And it was just something that went around every day. We'd take it in turns. And my sister was four years younger than me, and we'd just do it together. And it became this thing that we just did. And it became natural, became a habit. And it made us accountable and responsible to each other as well, as well as our parents. And it was a really neat way of kind of giving us that rules. And, You know, I think sometimes we think of rules as like strict rules and guidelines, but actually it can be just a rhythm and a routine.

22:24And it's building competence and skill. And you're part of the family rather than you're entitled to live in that family. Yeah, yeah. And the earlier you start, the better it is for kids. I mean, it's hard if you not spend any time with children by the time they're 14. their friends are more important than you are. And that's the heartbreaking thing I've learned is if you're not spending time with them, their friends will take your place. And they may not have the advice. They may not have the right ear for you. And it makes them more vulnerable to all the scary stuff that's on social media. You're about to hear from Kim Kardashian.

23:17And this is really about parenting in the public eye. Now, you may not have a life in the public eye, but you may wonder what other parents think about you. You may feel judged about what family members think about how you parent. And we all feel like we live in this bubble of people's constant opinions, expectations, and obligations of what a good parent should look like. In this segment, you'll hear about how Kim balances career, fame, and raising grounded kids. She talks a lot about overcoming mom guilt and being present with her kids, even with a busy schedule and a busy work life. I think this is something a lot of you may be able to relate to and connect with.

23:58She also talks about the importance of open communication in navigating tough conversations. And she talks about how she creates a sense of normalcy despite being in the public eye and having such a big brand? Mom guilt is probably the hardest thing. I think that you have to also separate though and understand that you need your own bit of sanity. So you have to do what makes you happy. You have to, if working for me, I love working. So that makes me happy. Anytime I think something's really hard, I dive into work and, or if there's challenges, like I love to dive into my work and that's like a bit of my therapy.

24:39and my routine to keep me going. But I think, you know, I have chats with my girlfriends when our kids are having tantrums and there could be things going on that we don't even know about. And you feel like you're the worst mom if something's going on and you can't fix it. You have no idea how to change it. Your kids are fighting, whatever it is. And my friends and I will text each other and be like in tears, literally, locking ourselves in the room, like away from a kid having a tantrum when that's not what you should do. You should go and lean into them. And, but sometimes it's so overwhelming.

25:19That was probably the only time I'd be hard on myself is, am I a good mom? I try to do everything. And I think how to balance work with that is when you're home being really present. Kids, all they want is time. They just want your time. You can give them all these amazing, big experiences and they'll remember them and they're great, but they'll always remember you being present. And I think that's just the most important thing in all of your relationships. Think about what a kid wants. A kid just wants your time. So why wouldn't everyone else? You have to kind of treat everyone like that. If you want these like meaningful relationships in your life and you have to be present and it's okay to feel like you are not a hundred percent at being the best mom.

26:13I say this all the time. We, there's no manual. They do not come with a manual. Everyone's doing the best that they can. And I just feel so lucky that I have a good group of girlfriends and all of our kids are experiencing different things from, I mean, Imagine all the things that they, a divorce, everything that they have to go through. We're okay. They will be okay. And they will feel the love and support. And that's all you can do. It'll be okay. I'll talk to my kids about anything they want to ask me about. I am so open and honest with my kids. I think that's the only way to be. And it could be things that they might not understand.

26:53And I'll wait to find the appropriate time to talk about it. I think they grew up seeing the cameras and they grew up seeing that even as babies You know, we'd walk out and there'd be paparazzi. So it's not really something that they acknowledge a lot But you know, my daughter's really vocal She'll tell them when she doesn't want them around and to leave her alone and to stop and I love that they use their little voices but they also have such a normal life and such a Different life away from all of that too and that's why I love that my sisters and I all had babies at the same time so they can be with each other and have these experiences together.

27:31What's the biggest lesson you learned from your mom that you're trying to pass on to the kids? I think just how she makes people feel really heard and welcomed. She really is the most warm welcoming person and it's just like her overall it seems superficial but it's not like her party planning skills it's not even that it's just the welcomingness of, I don't even know if these are words I'm saying, but like just her ability to be so warm and to make everyone feel like they were invited here. I'm going to create this like special Easter dinner with like the things on the table, you know, that she had when we were growing up at my dad's house.

28:12Like she just has all this like really special nostalgic stuff around all the time and always tries to make everyone feel so special, but with like a gathering so that everyone feels comfortable and can hang around. Like she just loves people in her space and loves to create these memories. And I think that we all got that from her and we will all, if I can just pass that on to my kids, just the experiences that we have as a family, whether we're just sitting in our pajamas and hanging out, we make the time to be together. and I hope that my kids want to make the time to be together when they grow up with their cousins and their aunts and just the whole family.