Jays Must Listens: You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki

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1:28Radhi, we're always talking about being intentional with our time and energy, right? What about gifting with intention? Apple Gift Card is perfect. They can use it for meditation apps on the App Store or audiobooks from Apple Books. Whatever nourishes their mind best. Exactly. It's a gift of possibilities aligned with their personal growth journey. Visit applegiftcard.apple.com to learn more and gift with purpose today What if you've been approaching dating all wrong? Maybe you've put yourself out there but nothing clicks Or you're still waiting for the right person Over half of singles today are open to love Yet more than 60 % feel burned out by abs The truth is, finding love isn't about perfection It's about showing up authentically Reading the right signals And attracting real connection In this episode, we're joined by body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Tarecki, relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb, a masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last.

2:33Let's get into it. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. He won, the only Jay Shetty. Social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards shifts our attention to the subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only 28 % of the time, and women often have to send multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at a workout class.

3:13Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar. Maybe it is a club. Yes. You want to signal to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something, but you want to be subtle. You don't want to give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away? Okay. I'm going to give you news that you're probably not going to like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied that we tend to think we are over obvious with our cues.

3:50So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub setting, women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea. Okay. They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in 10 minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? How many, in 10 minutes, how many signals did she have to send? When it actually worked? When it actually worked.

4:28Now that you've given me some sort of, I'm going to go 30. 29. Oh, okay, cool. That's it. But do you know how many signals that is in 10 minutes? That's a lot of signals. That is, that is pretty constant. And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three. Right. It was only because you gave me a sense that there was more. I probably would have said three, seven. That is what women think is what's needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested. No, he didn't see him or he doubted himself or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached.

5:02So the other person went, oh, she's interested. Just interested. That was before even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness, got approached less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough. Fascinating. So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached. Do you have to approach more based on how objectively attractive you are? You have to be available more.

5:33So what they found, and this is so it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that sometimes I think we use attractiveness as an excuse. I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough. No, actually some unattractive women who signaled availability got approached more. Wow. And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language signals of availability. And you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are flirty glances.

6:09Are you going to demonstrate? I mean, yeah, I'm going to demo it for you. Okay. So flirty glances are typically they have little gaze patterns is we sweep the room with our eyes. Then we see someone we like, we... Oh yeah. Yeah. Nice little side glance. Yeah. Like very brief. It's a look back up. It's a look back up. It's like you're looking around, but then. Look back. Yeah. And it's a side look or a down and up look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes. That's a very, um, think Marilyn Monroe. So if you want to look at the classic example of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.

6:44That is a look that we just like. We just like it. That's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away. Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile. And by the way, remember it took 29 of these. So we got to get really comfortable with trying. And the nice thing is there's no pressure. If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the glance. Right. So, um, eye contact smiles. Self-touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with my hair or I play with my dress, that's a way of signaling our hair health from an evolutionary perspective.

7:18It's like, look how healthy I am, my healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. Women will also, when they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why sometimes women will touch their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very, very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating, but I just want to explain why smell is so important. I just read this study and I was like, what?

7:48They had women wear white t-shirts with no deodorant, no nothing. So just their natural smell for 24 hours. They took these t-shirts and they had other women smell these t-shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay. Imagine you're opening a Ziploc bag and you're smelling. That's a painful study. I would have loved it. I would have loved it. Sign me up for the researchers. I'm there. So they had them smell the t-shirts and they had them rate them on how much they liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact in person. They didn't know who's who. The smell they liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person.

8:23No way. So they actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self-touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of like, I'm going to probably click with you. Right. If you smell good. If you smell good and good is, is subjective. Like that's why I think why sometimes you're like, we're just clicking. We like, like each other's smell. So, so being available also like releasing pheromone self-touch. And then this one is not from the research, but I'm going to really encourage you to try it. I think the best way to show availability is one word.

8:57And it sounds like this. Hey, just that. Okay. You walk to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk by them. Hey, just like that. Because look, by the way, this is for both men and women. Okay. Because life is too short to not. Hey, right. And it's, there's no pressure. If you walk by someone in the gym, right. And you're like, Hey, even if they have their AirPods in, if they like you, they're going to be like, Hey, right. Does it matter? The tone of voice? Cause you say, no it matters yeah it does matter so if you go like hey it's not like that's pretty good okay all right okay so i'll do that was me trying to downplay it that was good that was good see men men do good with a downward inflection so like that down reflection is good so if it goes good the guy's gonna be like hey if he's not into it he's gonna be like hey yeah right no problem right like cool hey yeah so it's like the most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store when even by the way if someone has airpods on they're still gonna see you go and they're going to take out their earpond and they're going to be like, Hey, so here's the difference, right?

10:02So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important for women, but everyone research finds that we decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak 200 milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is, Hey, that's it. You just signaled your comp, your confidence, your confidence, not confidence. It's specifically confidence. Okay. So what does that mean? We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening and I want to keep them relaxed.

10:39When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit more vocal fry and I might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy. Absolutely. A hundred percent. It's horrible. It's infectious. We catch it. We don't like to be around people where we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found that we match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they, subconsciously, their resonance matched whoever's most important person in the room, their own resonance.

11:11The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time. People respond to signals of openness, not perfection. Mastering body language like flirty glances, leaning in, mirroring someone's energy can make a huge difference in who you attract. It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that even a casual hey can lead to big results.

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12:51Up next, love expert Jillian Tarecki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection. She reminds us dating isn't just about the one But about learning who you are While many expect instant sparks True connection often grows slowly And with 70 % of people reporting they've been love-bombed Moving too fast can sabotage something meaningful And above all, choosing who to share your life with Is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make Don't rush it What are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like, what am I getting wrong about dating?

13:33That seems to be the top question. So there's a few things. One is, it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people, get off the apps. Sometimes I say, get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's gonna burn you out, and it's gonna exhaust you, and you're meeting a bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people make, is that they're impatient. It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for, like, that person to fall onto the couch next to them.

14:15And it's not going to happen that way. So you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day, organically, it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you widen your circle. Or you actually have to be proactive. And that might mean going on a, like dating like it's your business, like going on a bunch of dates every single week with as low of an expectation as possible. Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this. But you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe.

14:50And then you go out and you're like, oh, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it. And then there's this, people then get into learned helplessness. And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, it's the why me, this is never going to happen. It's this state that I am in is permanent. Like I will never find anyone. No, dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at, honestly. Even the people who think that they're really great at it. It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them.

15:25You know, a lot of people are nervous. So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and getting to know someone. And who knows, maybe you make a friend and maybe you never want to see that person again. But at least you're practicing. So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations. But I want to add another one if I can. And people get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people.

16:02And it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They never even met the person. And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that. Text a little bit back and forth like a day and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person. You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who may not be available. For a month. Yeah, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited. I understand the thrill of it, and it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time, honestly. Meet the person. As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at the root of that for so many people.

16:45And one of the things that came to me was this fear of rejection. So even the idea of I'm talking to this person for a month, is because I don't have to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to meet me again. Or the resistance that we have to make work and dating feel the same. I know so many people who will cancel on dates last minute because they're scared of, well, what if I go and it doesn't work out? Or, and rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of rejection is, that person doesn't want me. And the other type of rejection is, that person doesn't meet my expectations.

17:23or that person, I don't want to be with them. So I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of, well, what if that person doesn't like me? We're also scared of the, am I going to reject another person? And like you said, with the high expectations, what do we do about both of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's take the more obvious one to start with. We all want to be loved. We want to be liked. We all want the next person to be the person. Chances are that's not going to happen. We'd know that. But still, we struggle with the fact that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're not right for me, or, you know, I don't really want to see you again.

18:02Like, how do you get over that? Because we talk about it in entrepreneurship, we talk about it in life, but when you do it with love, it seems so personal. It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates. Even if we're not into the person, we want them to be into us. Or, right? Or, like, we find them, let's say we find them attractive, and then we find out, wait, you're not into me, you don't find me attractive? Yeah, but life really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection.

18:38Like, you're not going to be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and soul. If someone is not into you for whatever reason, like, let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life. And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it.

19:16But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind texts and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really, really do. And you have to just trust that, like, you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward, and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know? But you still have to, if you want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be passive. You're looking for one person to fall in love with you and for you to fall in love with.

19:50And for that, you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find that one person. But all you need is one person to say yes, one person to say, I do, one person to say, I love you. And if you're only looking for one person, just by the nature of odds, you should know that that probably won't be the next person. So switching to that, you said one thing about kind of going in at the lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're allowing it to become a friendship. you're allowing it to become a nothing ship. You're allowing it to become what it is. As opposed to us walking in and going, this next person's gonna be my wife, my husband, whatever it may be, my partner.

20:30I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to speed up love. Like speeding up love seems to be our addiction and obsession. With I just wanna meet the one. Now that we're dating, I just wanna get married. Now, you know, we're trying to accelerate love almost. So how do we slow it down and how do we take it back to baseline? Number one is there is no the one. There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the one is. And this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like it's a feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice.

21:14and that when, if you do decide to be with someone long-term, you're going to have to make that choice many, many times throughout your relationship, which is, I choose you, right? So people want to rush it. And so what they do and what I've done is that we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is, and romanticism, that there is this one person who's going to come into your life and rescue you and make your life better. And that once you find that person, like everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships, but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone, the more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love, where it's a verb and not just a feeling.

22:10So how do we slow it down? and we just want to rush it. It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people, they meet, there's chemistry. And I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it. As opposed to, well, maybe in the past, there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in the beginning. But you want to just say, okay, hold on. What am I feeling right now?

22:46This feels really good. This is really exciting. But I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really want. Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship? Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's difficult. Women, childbearing age, societal pressures, get married. I understand I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life.

23:31And we are meant to kind of get it wrong, and some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others, right? But it is the most important decision. So if you're going to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice, and you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, you're scared. You're scared to be alone. You're scared to not be loved. You don't want to be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it. You know, connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's going to have a bigger impact on your overall well-being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with.

24:21So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it. I have often said to friends, there's the pain of being single, and there's the pain of being in the wrong relationship. Yes. And the pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship. Agree 100%. Agree 100%. It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got enmeshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's, as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values, the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually, they showed it all along and you didn't see the signs.

25:03And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier when I was single. And you can't see that when you're single, because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I must have that now. Yes. And many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when I'm single, but they're actually afraid to go back to it. And that's why they stay in these relationships, because we fear the unknown. The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking for that one person, understand that it might not be the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up. It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger, and more grounded in who you are and what needs you have.