MEL ROBBINS: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Set Boundaries and Stop Putting Yourself Last!)

28:50So this lack of alignment that we have between the mind and the body, where the body's saying, do this, do this, do this. And the mind saying, I can't, I can't, I can't because so-and-so will say that, so-and-so will think that. That lack of alignment is what makes it so hard to go to sleep when you want to. Correct. Like how many of us stay awake and we're like, okay, I'll watch another episode with you when you don't want to. Or in my case, Radhi falls asleep just when we figured out what we were going to watch. Yes. And now I'm sitting there going, oh, now I have to wait for you to watch this tomorrow.

29:22Yes. No, you don't. No, No, you don't. I end up doing it. But this is really important because it sounds like a dumb suggestion, but it makes a lot of sense because how on earth are you going to be able to start putting yourself first and drawing bigger boundaries? No, I'm not coming home from the holidays. No, I am not going to take that weekend shift, even though you need help at work. I have plans. If you can't start to pay attention to the basic needs because you want to please your partner and make sure they're not upset with you in the morning, so you're going to sit up late even though you don't want to, then you're never going to be able to draw bigger boundaries when it feels like the stakes are even higher.

30:05And so what I love about this pause is it's a way to start to interrupt your own behavior so you can notice how insidious it is, like how it's everywhere that you literally will trip over yourself and stomp on your own head as long as people aren't mad at you or they're not disappointed or you're not going to get in trouble or they're still going to like you. And then it's just exhausting. And so I loved that advice because it's hard to do.

30:40This week on Dear Chelsea with me, Chelsea Handler, Nicholas Sparks is here. I would imagine that you've gotten a lot of feedback about setting a standard of love and romance that a lot of men probably can't measure up to. I have heard such stories at my book signings, right? Where's my Noah or where's my John from Dear John? And at the same time, in the course of my career, I've had seven marriage proposals in lines to sign my book, you know, up to the table, the doodle dropped to his knees. And I feel so bad for him. I'm like, dude, you're, you're in a Walmart in Birmingham, Alabama, you know, but it's happened.

31:20And, you know, you get a lot more of those kinds of stories than people coming up and saying, I've ruined, I've ruined men for them for the rest, which I'm glad I would feel bad if that was more common, actually. No, that's what you come to Dear Chelsea for. Yeah. To get upbraided. Listen to Dear Chelsea on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, Dr. Jesse Mills here. I'm the director of the men's clinic at UCLA Health. And I want to tell you about my new podcast called The Mailroom. And I'm Jordan, the show's producer. And like a lot of guys, I haven't been to the doctor in many years.

31:58I'll be asking the questions we probably should be asking, but aren't. Because guys usually don't go to the doctor unless a piece of their face is hanging off or they've broken a bone. Depends which bone. Well, that's true. Every week, we're breaking down the unique world of men's health, from testosterone and fitness to diets and fertility and things that happen in the bedroom. You mean sleep? Yeah, something like that, Jordan. We'll talk science without the jargon and get you real answers to the stuff you actually wonder about. It's going to be fun, whether you're 27, 97, or somewhere in between.

32:31Men's Health is about more than six packs and supplements. It's about energy, confidence, and connection. We don't just want you to live longer. We want you to live better. So check out the mailroom on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows. What do you get when you mix 1950s Hollywood, a Cuban musician with a dream, and one of the most iconic sitcoms of all time? You get Desi Arnaz. A trailblazer, a businessman, a husband, and maybe most importantly, the first Latino to break primetime wide open. I'm Wilmer Valderrama, and yes, I grew up watching him, probably just like you and millions of others.

33:07But for me, I saw myself in his story. From cleaning canary cages to this night here in New York, it's a long ways. On the podcast starring Desi Arnaz and Wilmer Valderrama, I'll take you on a journey to Desi's life. The moments it has overlapped with mine, how he redefined American television, and what that meant for all of us watching from the sidelines, waiting for a face like ours on screen. This is a story of how one man's spotlight lit the path for so many others, and how we carry his legacy today. Listen to Starring Desi Arnaz and Wilmer Valderrama as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

33:47We all want to feel better. to have more energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane. It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus and give you natural energy all without a crash. A new classic reimagined. We're so excited to officially launch our new lemonade iced tea flavor. When we created Juni, my goal was simple. I wanted to make drinks that help you feel balanced and energized without compromise. Our upgraded take on the classic Arnold Palmer is crisp, refreshing, and crafted with adaptogens to support energy, focus, and mood, all with zero sugar.

34:29Be among the first to try it. Available exclusively at drinkjuni.com, where you can use the code ONPURPOSE20 for 20 % off your first order. Cheers to your daily mood boost.

34:51As I'm listening to you, I'm just thinking about this. I'm thinking, if I'm even lucky enough to make someone not mad at me, even if I'm lucky enough to pull that off, I'm probably going to go to bed mad at myself. And even if I'm lucky enough to convince someone to like me, I'm probably going to go to bed disliking myself. And if someone convinced me to say yes when I wanted to say no, I'm going to go to bed feeling like I betrayed myself. And so it's a really fascinating feeling that we have where like, we're trying to win in the outside world, being okay to lose in the inside world. And that inside world is what we live in all day.

35:32That's what we're actually seeing through, living through, breathing through. It's the lens that everything happens through. I'm like, when I look at your journey, Mel, and I love the year you're having. I love, I just want to give Mel her flowers because she's just phenomenal. Like she has worked. Like I've known Mel. I think me and Mel have known each other now for like, I'd say like seven years, maybe even a bit longer. And Mel works so hard. She has been crushing for so many years. She has put in work and time and energy and effort for years. And I'm saying that as a friend, as an admirer, as a colleague, I have seen this human only want to help people for years and years and years and help millions of people.

36:20And when I look at the transformations you've had from being a lawyer to being a talk show host, to becoming one of the biggest public speakers in the country and the world, to go on to write multiple bestselling books, to go on to have the number one podcast in the world, to go on to just conquer all of these different fields. Who are you talking about? I am as surprised as you are, Jay. I'm not surprised. What I'm saying is, what I love about you is that whether there has been external validation or not, in different levels, in all of these years, you have kept going, you've kept pivoting, and you've kept giving.

37:04And that to me is the sign that you're fueled by something deeper. And I know that. And the question I have for you is you've pivoted so many times in your career. And I'm assuming that there are people out there in this audience today who are like, gee, I'm in this pivot right now. Like I'm trying to build my side hustle. I want to quit my job. I want to build this passion. I really want to continue my job, but I want to start writing. I want to blog. I want to launch a podcast, right? There's people who have so many visions and dreams. How did you get the courage to let go and move on multiple times when it's so hard to let go of something that feels certain, stable, and safe?

37:47How did you choose uncertainty and unsafety when we all crave safety? I think courage is the wrong word. I would use the word desperation. No, I mean it. I mean it, you guys. I don't know what it is about my personality, but I have like negative energy that propuls me forward. I mean, I'm being dead serious, you guys, because courage sounds like this big thing. And I know there's no courage without fear. But the truth is, I hated my life when I was a lawyer. I mean, I would literally take the freaking commuter rail in. It felt like a death sentence. And then you You march from South Station up to High Street, and then you get in the elevator, and I would contemplate, why is there no floor 13?

38:34Oh, I know, because this is an unlucky building. And then I would get in there, and I would literally do the bare minimum, Jay, because I hated my life. And at some point, you will get to a point where you go, my life doesn't work for me. Like it might have worked last year, but it's not working now. And you will tolerate that and you'll tolerate it for years. Some of you will tolerate it for decades. And there's a certain amount of negative energy required in me. Yeah. in order to organize enough of what they call the intrinsic drive to get over your own excuses and fears and BS and actually do the thing.

39:27And so to me, like every pivot you guys was either because like I had to put gas in the tank and food on the table. I got fired from three different jobs. I mean, it sounds fancy to say I was a talk show host, but the show sucked. It got canceled. and I don't care. I don't have a problem saying it. I tried it. I won because I tried. And at some point, you're going to understand something. You're either going to spend your life watching other people do the things you want to do. And then you're going to end up on your deathbed and go, wow, I really blew it. I didn't push myself through all of those fears and those excuses when I could have.

40:17I really regret how I spent the time that I had. So you're either going to spend your life watching other people do the things that you want to do and then spend a lot of time making up excuses. Well, they're this or they're that. And it may be true. There are people in this world that have unfair advantages. There are people that are starting at a different starting line than you are. There are people that are handed a lot of money. There are people that aren't. But you got to, at some point, wake up and realize you got what you got. That's what you got. You got the cards that have been dealt to you are the ones that you have to play.

40:52And so you can waste your life and your time bitching about where you're at and being jealous of your friends, which I did for decades, or you will get to a point where you are so sick of yourself and you're sick of being miserable that you actually do something because the cost of staying where you are is so much more painful than moving toward the thing you've been avoiding. and so for me whether the organizing principle jay was i got bills to pay or recognizing nobody is coming to fix this and i can either blame this all on my husband or wish you know he was in finance i i have this funny story where you know i see a friend's kitchen right yeah i don't know have you guys ever had that experience in life jay i don't know if you have but have you ever had that experience where people in your life that you're doing life with all of a sudden it's like they move to the next town or a nicer building and you're like, how do they have this much money?

41:52And then you go to their house, right? And they open up the door. You're happy for your friend. Like you are, they've worked hard. They deserve this. And they give you the glass of wine or the, you know, Junie and you have that, that expression. And you're like, and you're trying to be really nice and happy for that and you're like gripping the can so much it's going to start to spill. And as they give you the tour, Jay, it's like one restoration hardware display after the other. And then they show you the kitchen and you're like, she's got white cabinets. That's my Pinterest board. My God, that's what the thing.

42:40And then if you're an immature, negative, people-pleasing manipulator like I am, Jay, and you have no idea how to process your emotions like a mature adult, the second you get in the car, you turn to your spouse like I did, and you're like, why couldn't you be in finance? why do you care about people

43:10you know and poor chris poor chris literally is like a turtle in the car he's like i don't know why i'm not in finance it would have made life easier and so you know for years i would see what other people had i would be jealous and the cool thing about jealousy like let's just talk about the cool thing about jealousy. You can't be jealous of something you don't want. Just think about that. You can't be jealous of something you don't want. There's a lot of things you wouldn't be jealous about. No, I'm not jealous of anybody that lives in the fanciest penthouse in Dubai. I don't want to live there.

43:47No offense to Dubai. It's fantastic. That's wonderful for you. That does not make me jealous. White kitchen cabinets with the marble countertop. That's what I got. But so there's something in that, like the pull of it. And what I'm going to tell you is jealousy is you blocking what's meant for you with your insecurity. Jealousy comes up because it's a messenger and it's trying to get your attention while you've been sitting there wasting hours and hours and hours on Pinterest and blaming everything on your parents and the person you're dating or married to. you could have gotten to work and just figured out how to create what you wanted.

44:31Like I spent years thinking that my happiness and our finances was Chris's responsibility. Wow. Like if there's things if I want in my life, I'm capable of paying for them. I'm capable of like getting clear about what I want and then just go to chat GTP and be like, this is what I'd like. I got a year. What do I do every day for 30 minutes? And honest to God, ChatGTP is going to spit out a plan for you. And then you're going to be like, well, I don't like this. It's not going to work for me. That would work for Jay, but it's not going to work for me. And then you're not going to do it. And so I just got to the point at so many times, like I got so, like why did I start a podcast?

45:07Because I was jealous of one of my close friends, Jay Shetty. I swear to God. I literally be like, that mother fucker. Honestly, God, him meditation shit. Like what, like he's, he started it before I could. Damn, Jay. Damn, damn. Oh, Jay, I'm so happy for you with your podcast. And then you got to say, well, what's underneath the jealousy? There's something that my friend is doing and he's leading the way. And if I can get my negative ass out of the way, I can actually see that there's something that he's doing that's inspiring me. He's not taking anything from me. He's giving something to me.

45:53everybody yes everybody in your life that you are jealous of is giving you something you know i i think about life jay as we're all on this giant walk together that's what we're doing and there are going to be times in your life where you're ahead of other people because your example can help other people our friend ed malette says that you're best equipped to help the person you used to be. If you've ever had a kid that, you know, has had learning disabilities and you've had to go through the IEP process, you are on a walk with the entire world. And that experience equips you to help somebody who has not gone through that.

46:38And then there are going to be times where you're behind. And everybody in this room could teach you something. If you're willing to go through your life with open arms and an open mind and even see the things that you're jealous of. And like, why am I out on tour? Because he went on one. Like, I'm just such a copycat. It's unbelievable. Like, damn, I'm jealous. Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a sign. There's something that he's doing. Oh, I know what it is. He's actually with the people that listen to the podcast. I want that because I miss you guys. Like, I'm alone in my garage in Vermont for crying out loud.

47:13Like, I need people. I need people, Jay. Oh, Mel, I mean. I need another drink. Can I have yours? Yeah, of course. There you go. Okay, since I spilled mine. You didn't. I would have thrown it at Chris. I'm not sure you spilled it as much as you destroyed it, but the person you're jealous of is not taking anything from you, but is giving something to you. I want everyone to write that down. Mel just said that. Write it down. That is the single best advice I've ever heard in my entire life on overcoming jealousy and envy. Really? Because you constantly think someone's taking up your space, taking up your opportunities, taking up every single access point, taking up the network.

48:01You think that. And because you think that, you think there's no space left for you. And so you think there's only a finite number of seats. And so if someone else taking all those seats, then there's no seat for me. That is the single best advice. Give Mel a round of applause for that. It's insane. Single best advice. Well, all I'm going to say, Jay, is if you could text that to me, because being menopausal, I will forget that the second that I just got off that stage. And everyone else will tag us. Everyone else will tag us and put it up. Mel, because you've been on the podcast, I think two or three times, this might be the third or fourth, We're not going to do the final five with you before we take some questions.

48:39I want to do a new game that we invented for the stage, and you get to be involved as well. Oh, great. It's called Vibe Check, and there are these two paddles I'm going to give you. One says it's a vibe, and the other one says not a vibe. I'm going to ask you guys what you think first, and Mel's going to tell us the truth. So I want to hear you do your best rendition. You can do better than that. I'm a vibe. It's a vibe. Brilliant. I love it. I'm going to hand these to Mel. Okay. I want to make sure I understand this because I want you to like me, right? I'm going to read. This means no, it's like not in.

49:13Yes. And this means it's in. Correct. Oh, red, green. Okay. I get it now. For those of us who don't understand the words. I'm going to read you different scenarios and we're going to get the audience's reactions first. Then we're going to get Mel's reaction. Then her explanation of her reaction. Okay, great. All right. So the first one, your friend really wants to go to an event where they won't know anyone, but you've had a really stressful week at work and are drained, so you say no. Is it a vibe or is it not a vibe? Say it's a vibe if it's a what? For those who it's not a vibe? Oh, all right.

49:50There's a lot of... Over to Mel. I'll read it again. Your friend really wants you to go to an event where they won't know anyone, but you had a really stressful week at work and are drained, so you say no? Well, if they want to go to an event where they don't know anybody, then I better not show up. Otherwise, they'd know somebody.

50:12Good answer, Mel. I like that. That's awesome. All right. This time, I'll ask you to make noise. You decline a project at work because you don't feel confident you can handle it, even though it could have been a big career move. Is it a vibe? Make some noise. It's not a vibe? It's not a vibe. Mel? Yeah, definitely not a vibe. We got successful people in the audience tonight. You know you say yes to that kind of thing. You do. You do. Oh, this one's going to be interesting. You're dating someone who treats you well, but doesn't challenge you emotionally or intellectually. You stay in the relationship because they really take care of you.

50:57Is it a vibe? It's not a vibe? Mel.

51:07Oh, all right. Explain, Mel. You're saying it is. They said it's not. Well, you know, I think it depends on what you value. Like, literally, you can have a therapist that challenges you emotionally. I actually, you know, I've said to our kids that, you know, I think about the person that you're going to create a life with as your home base. And so for me, peace is what I prioritize. So if you have somebody that takes care of you, but they're not like challenging you emotionally, I don't think the person that you're with has to be a hundred percent of everything. And you know, like if you are, that's different than saying you're with somebody who just is like the walking dead.

51:56But what I heard in that question is, like this thing that happens in relationships where you constantly think, is there somebody better out there? And you're searching for this sort of Frankenstein version of a human being, where you take a little bit of this and a little bit of that and a little bit of this, and you forget that if you got 80 % of the things that actually matter, you're with somebody who's loyal, who's kind to you, who cares about you, who is interested in learning, but you know, anybody can develop skills and becoming more self-aware, that's a skill. Becoming more like emotionally aware, that's a skill.

52:38And so I think, you know, one of the big things, especially as a mom that I keep saying to my kids is we get so obsessed about the shiny stuff on the outside, like we've been talking about, that we actually don't give enough value to the things that matter over the long haul. Yes. Because, you know, having been with Chris for 30 years, I've hated the man at times. Like I literally, and it's about whether or not you're with somebody that when you come home, you're going to exhale. That when you're going through a hard time, you know that they're going to be there for you and that you're going to be there for them.

53:13That this is a person that may not have it all because none of us do, but it's a person that's willing to grow with you and to try. And so to me, I think that that's what I heard in that. I love it. Great answer. Great answer. All right. Last one. You guys having fun? Awesome. All right. Last one. Last one before we take some questions. Okay. You have a close friend who always dates people who are bad for them. It can relate? Right. All right. You've said things in the past and they haven't listened. You see them making a major mistake again, but you decide not to say anything this time. Is it a vibe?

53:58It's a vibe? They're saying it's a vibe to not say anything this time. I'll read it again. You have a close friend who always dates people who are bad for them. You've said things in the past and they haven't listened. You see them making a major mistake again, but you decide not to say anything this time. Oh, disagreement again. Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because let them doesn't mean f*** them.

54:28Like everybody loves that, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, But there's the let me part. And the reason why they didn't listen is because you criticized them. And you were judgmental. And you thought you knew better. And so you just, like I have done in my life, made this mistake. By thinking I know better, I actually pushed somebody away from me. And right into the arms of that person. And so I wouldn't say what I had said in the past, but I might say, you don't seem like yourself. I might say, have you thought about whether or not you're happy? Because I want you to be happy.

55:08And if you're happy in this, I actually want you to bring this person around. And what's going to happen is by doing that, not judging, you're now stirring up tension. They're not an idiot. People know when they're with somebody who treats them like crap. But when we judge and we think we know better, now we are piling on judgment, which makes them feel more trapped and ashamed because they know. And so you taking an approach that is more of the let me side of this, that's like, let me be more compassionate. Let me just say, I want you to be happy and you don't seem happy and just, I'm here. And if us all going out to dinner together is going to like bring you closer, I would love to go out to dinner with you this person.

55:53And then they're going to have to sit with that. But that's how you keep somebody closer and you make it safe for them to come to you when things get hard and when they're going to leave. Because also, if this is somebody that has been doing this over and over, it's a pattern. And this is something that they're going to keep repeating. And it's going to take time for them to see that they're worthy. And so the worst thing you could do is push them toward the other person by being judgmental. You want to keep them very close, particularly if you're worried about them. Beautiful. Mel. Mel, I love the disagreement in the room but coming to a nice, wholesome agreement.

56:33We wanted to make this night special. The fact that you've come out for a live taping of the recording, I wanted to make sure that we get you involved. And so now Mel's kindly agreed too. Mel and I would love to take your questions. I'm going to have Taylor from my team coming around. She has a microphone. If you have a real, genuine, burning question that you'd wanted to ask Mel, this is your opportunity. Something really juicy that's going to make Jay blush. Raise your hand, and Taylor will come and find you. This is Taylor, everyone. Make some noise for Taylor in the brown blazer.

57:07Be nice to her, otherwise she won't pick you.

57:14Hi, everybody. You guys are so good looking. please stand up when you uh ask your question what's your tell us your name hey man how's it going fantastic ladies and gentlemen such an honor such an honor to be here with this mel and jay oh my god danny wadwani born and raised in ghana west africa indian by origin and being in Boston for 20 years now. Amazing. Here's my question for you. In all that you've shared, in all that you've become, when you are envisioning the better male, the male you've envisioned, or the highest, truest version of Mel, where do you go to to tap into that source of power, courage, and reinforcement to push that Mel forward or to capture where that Mel is trying to go?

58:26Because we all have moments where we want to be somewhere. Or we think we can get there, but we're doubting and so much is going on around us where we cannot silence the noise. There must be a source of power or a source of people or a source of something that people like you and Jay tap into to say, I can absolutely effing do this. I'm going to go from on purpose to in June to everywhere. I love it. Thank you, man. Great question. Great question. Great first question. Go on, Mel. You want me to take it first? Yeah, highest Mel, he said. Okay. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to see how you were going to answer.

59:16I'm happy. Whatever you want. So I guess I want to approach this two ways. Because what you're actually talking about is cultivating a sense of faith in your ability to make things turn out without knowing whether or not they do. And so there is this thing that I say to myself when it feels like things are not happening fast enough or, oh, there's another job I just got fired from or, oh, there's another bill. Like all those moments in my life where, you know, it's funny. You can define what you want, but oftentimes you get it, but it's just not how you thought you would. And so I cultivated this kind of saying for myself where I would literally say to myself, I refuse to believe that this is how it ends.

1:00:13I love that. That I believe that this moment, no matter how sucky it is, is preparing me for something in the future that I do not know is going to happen. And the reason why I know that this works is because each and every one of you, you can sit in this moment with Jay and me and everybody here right now. And if you look back on your life, you can see how everything that happened, good or bad, I'm not saying you deserve any of the bad things, but you can see how everything that happened led you here right now. That every day, every experience, right, is just a brick in the path of life. And if that is true, which it is, then it is also true that where you are in this moment is also a brick on that same path.

1:01:11And it is leading you somewhere. And I choose to believe that that somewhere that it's leading is way bigger and more amazing and cooler than you could possibly imagine. Now, it may be 17 years before you look back on this moment and say, that's why that happened. Because, you know, when I invented the five-second rule, counting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to get out of bed when we were$800 ,000 in debt, it was 19 miles from here. February 2008, Tuesday morning, one decision changed my life. I had no idea in that moment that that little countdown thing would be the brick that would lead me all the way here.

1:01:55You know, I'll share another story. I, for years, would watch people that wrote books and had podcasts and all this stuff be asked to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. And I would always sit there going, why am I not getting asked? And then I would say to myself, one of these days, it's going to happen. If it hasn't happened yet, here's another one. It's because it's not meant to. happen now. And so when Jay acknowledged me for all the crazy stuff that's been going on this year, it occurred to me, oh, that's why it didn't happen then. Because I was being held for a different moment. You are being held for a different moment.

1:02:40And cultivating that faith in yourself that you have the capacity to keep going, that there are lessons that you still need, that there is some bigger possibility in the future that is waiting for you, which is why it's not happening now. And there's that famous, I think, I don't know if it was Jay-Z that said it, but literally the genius thing that both Jay and I have done is we just don't quit. We don't quit. And I do think you have to outlast yourself because you're the one who's going to quit. You're not against Jay or me. It's you against you. And so when I think of the, I can't remember the word that you used to describe like the version of me, the version of me that I think about is somebody who reminds herself all the time, no matter what's going on now, I choose to believe this is in service of something that I can't even imagine that's going to happen.

1:03:39And I trust that at some point I'll know, and my job now is not to doubt. It is to just keep going.

1:03:59On this week's episode of The Next Chapter, I, D.D. Jakes, get to sit down with Oprah Winfrey, a media mogul, philanthropist, and global trailblazer. My life, although it may look like an anomaly, it has only been possible because I was obedient to the call. This episode dives deep into how Oprah turned pain into purpose and what it really means to evolve with everybody watching. Every decision I have ever made has come from sitting with the Spirit and asking God, what would you have me do first? Whether you're rebuilding, reimagining, or just trying to hold it together, this one will speak directly to you.

1:04:50Listen to the next chapter on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast episodes drop weekly. Hey, I'm Kelly, and some of you may know me as Laura Winslow. And I'm Thelma, also known as Aunt Rachel. If those names ring a bell, then you probably are familiar with the show that we were both on back in the 90s called Family Matters. Kelly and I have done a lot of things and played a lot of roles over the years, but both of us are just so proud to have been part of Family Matters. Did you know that we were one of the longest-running sitcoms with the Black cast? When we were making the show, there were so many moments filled with joy and laughter and cut up that I will never forget.

1:05:30Oh, girl, you got that right. The look that you all give me is so black. All black people know about the look. On each episode of Welcome to the Family, we'll share personal reflections about making the show. Yeah, we'll even bring in part of the cast and some other special guests to join in the fun and spill some tea. Listen to Welcome to the Family with Thelma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Radhi Devlukia, and I am the host of A Really Good Cry podcast. This week, I am joined by Anna Runkle, also known as the Crappy Childhood Fairy, a creator, teacher, and guide helping people heal from the lasting emotional wounds of unsafe or chaotic childhoods.

1:06:15We talk about how the things we went through when we were younger can still show up in our adult lives, in our relationships, our reactions, even in the way we feel in our own bodies. And Anna opens up about her own story, what helped her notice the patterns she was stuck in, and how she slowly started teaching her body that it is safe now. So when I got attacked, it was very random. Four guys jumped out of a car and just started beating me and my friend. And they broke my jaw and my teeth. I was unconscious. Then I woke up and I screamed. And I screamed because even though I didn't know who I was or where I was, something in me was just like, hold on, wait, they could kill me.

1:06:50And I'm not going to let that happen. I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to get through this. And I did. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane. It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give you natural energy, all without a crash. Get your daily mood boost with Junie at Whole Foods Market, or head to drinkjunie.com to find a store near you.

1:07:35I remember one of my monk teachers used to say to me, if there's something you desire and it hasn't manifested yet, it's because of three things. One is the universe and God saying, not right now. The second is, not like this. and the third is I've got something better planned. Oh, I like that one. And I have seen that in my own life and I think that's what Mel's saying and that's why it made me think that. I always used to believe that my imagination was big and beautiful only to realize that the universe and God's imagination was far, far greater than anything I could imagine for myself. and it's that trust in that moment when you think your imagination is better than God's and the universe is.

1:08:31It's in that moment when you're not getting it that you have to live what Mel's saying in that I refuse to believe it ends like this. I love that statement, and another one that I love for myself that I've always said, and it comes back to the same advice that Mel was giving earlier, we all need mantras to keep us going. Mine has always been, this only makes the story better. Every time I get rejected, I've just collected something that makes the story better when I get to tell it. And when I tell my story in 5, 10, 15 years time, this moment just made that story better because everyone I respect and everyone I look up to has had that same story.

1:09:09If you're failing, you're having the same story as the person who's successful. If you're losing, you're having the same story as the person who's winning. Now, if you're losing right now, you're having the same story as the person who wins in 10 years. That's what they did too. They didn't win their first championship. They didn't win their first league. It didn't work that way. And so this only makes the story better. This only makes the story better. So good. That helps. Taylor, where are you, Taylor? Taylor's over there. Who are you handing the mic to? Hello, what's your name? Hello, my name is Tara from Boston.

1:09:44Tara, so nice to meet you. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much. You have been part of my life for many years you have no idea so thank you. I have a question it's for both of you. How can you let go of guilt or compassion from those who have caused you the most pain? Feeling bad or like wanting to help the people that have hurt you. I'm going to be very honest because that's just who I am. I think a lot of my you know my family unfortunately has hurt me in ways. So I'm just trying to find as I get older, you know, how do I let go of that guilt? I want to give them compassion, but then I'm like, oh, well, I think you have to ask yourself, how is the way that you're doing it now helping you?

1:10:31Is it working?

1:10:35I have, I don't know. I don't, I don't really know. Um, this is the only thing that has helped me. and I relate to the question and I don't know anything about your background so I don't want to presume like anything but you are not responsible for what was done to you but you are responsible for what you do next. and I choose to believe that human beings basically families well first of all you know families teach you how to love people you hate that's why they have families second you know we've had expert after expert both Jay and I come on and ironically we dropped an episode today about emotionally immature parents people can only give you what they have to give This does not excuse abuse.

1:11:34This does not mean that you didn't deserve to have family or past experiences where you felt seen and taken care of and loved for who you are and supported. But for me, really being able to separate myself from the hurt that was caused and look through it with steely cold eyes and basically go, you know, if it wasn't given to your parents, they can't give it to you. and I have chosen to stop punishing people who did the best that they could with the situation they were in the trauma that they had their own life experiences because I don't like carrying around that judgment and hate I don't like constantly living in the past it is so much easier and freeing to basically look through the eyes of compassion and say, I deserved more, and I see fully you were not equipped to give me what I deserve.

1:12:40And as long as I hold judgment over what happened, I am still in the past. I am still suffering. You know, there was this analogy, I think it's T.D. Jakes and Oprah Winfrey, and I believe the context is that he was counseling her about her relationship with her mother. And he basically said, in life, there are people who have a quarter cup capacity. That's what they got. They got a quarter cup of love and attention and patience to give. And then there are those of us, probably most of us in the room, that have a gallon need. If somebody only has a quarter cup to give you and they have poured all of that into a person who has a gallon need, we will not feel satiated, seen, or taken care of, ever.

1:13:32There's this massive mismatch and no amount of judgment, no amount of anything is gonna change the fact that they are who they are, this is what happened, but you get to choose what happens next. And for me, learning to say, this person is who they are. Let them be who they are. Now I get to choose how much time do I put into this? How much energy do I want to look and see and understand what they went through so that I feel more compassion and it's not as personal as it feels? It's a tricky thing to do and it's a lifelong process because they're going to continue to trigger the hell out of you because they are who they are.

1:14:17But you get to choose how much time and energy you put into it. You get to choose what kind of relationship you want to create or not with the people that hurt you in the past. And that's where your power is.

1:14:38tara i'll just say i love everything mal said and the only thing i'll add is if you want to feel compassion for anyone that hurt you it starts with first being compassionate to yourself and allowing yourself the opportunity to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. Then you'll rise to maybe wanting to feel distant, maybe not wanting to be involved. And then maybe one day you'll desire to feel compassionate truly in a deep way. compassion's at the top of the ladder. It's not the first step. And when you want to feel it on day one, it almost stops you from taking the first step on the ladder.

1:15:34So the first step on the ladder is anger. You're on the first step. And the fifth step is, I don't want anything to do with them. And then the 10th step is, I see why they treated me that way. I get it. And then you're free. Thanks, Tara. Thank you. All right, Taylor. Who are you picking next?

1:16:04Hey, tell us your name. Hi, I'm Andrea Giancantieri, and I'm a co-founder of the Whiny Guiny. And I want to understand how you took hobbies and turned them into businesses to drive your message forward. It's a great question. You want me to go first, Mel? Sure. Because I want to know all your secrets so I can copy.

1:16:30The reason why I love that question is because, at least for me, I never believed this would ever be my livelihood. When I left the monastery and I knew I just wanted to spread the wisdom I'd learned, I was happy and satisfied doing it on evenings and weekends. so I would put together events of five to 10 people if they'd show up in the heart of London and talk to five to 10 people. I would do it for free. There was no social media. There was no video. Nothing was recorded. There was no content because I just got to do what I was passionate about. And when I started to do that, with no pressure, by the way, when I did that, there was no pressure because I didn't need a thousand people in the audience.

1:17:18I didn't need a million views. I didn't need 100 ,000 followers. I could just be present. I then felt to myself, well, I want to share this with more people. Maybe I should put a video out. Maybe that will reach more people. Again, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the time, but I'll tell you a bit about my story in the second half. And so I put that out. And then what happened is I got to a point in my life where I had 200 million views on my videos, but I was four months away from being broke. And I had this really interesting reflection. I thought, wait a minute, I'm trying to teach the world abundance.

1:17:59And I'm trying to help the world live their purpose and their passion. But I don't know if I can even do this for longer than the next three months because I can't even put food on the table through it. CJ, it's not courage at all, is it everybody? He's got a problem. He's got a problem to solve. And so I realized what I had to do first of all, but the reason is when you start with thinking you want to build a business, it's really hard because that's where you don't get to fail. You don't get to try. You don't get to choose. You don't get to play because there's too much pressure. Then when the pressure piles up and you think about it, you look at the first thing for me was, how can I serve people best?

1:18:45And what are they truly looking for from me? How do I serve people best? What's the impact that I can have? That's the greatest. And what do they truly want from me that's different? And that's how we started the Genius Community, which was my membership app that we launched seven years ago now. And it became the pillar because what people wanted, they were watching these videos, but they were like, Jay, we want weekly access to you. We want to hear your ideas. We want to hear your insights. We want to almost feel like we're getting a workshop from you every single week. And so for seven years, every single week, I gave a private workshop to a group of people who subscribe to Genius.

1:19:23That's how it started for me. And so what I'm saying to you is it starts as a passion. It starts as a hobby. And then you figure out what you can do for people that they truly want from you and that you can serve them differently with, and then you build around that. You don't just go, oh, I'm going to try and build this random thing, and I think this is what people want, and this, because what ends up happening is you waste time, money, and energy. You take a moment, take a beat to listen to the people you're serving and ask them, speak to them, connect with them. I always say to people, if you've got 100 followers, they can share so much with you about why they love you and why they follow you.

1:19:59You don't need to wait, like Mel was saying earlier, You don't need to wait till you have a million followers to launch a business. You could have 100 followers that creates an amazing business for you because you deeply understand their need. You serve them and you take care of them. And I think the people that get to take care of millions of people who started off is people who took care of five. And that's where it all begins. And so take care of whoever's there connecting and resonating right now and let it flow. I would add one other thing because it sounds like you kind of know what you want to do.

1:20:31So I think the mistake that everybody makes, especially in today's world, because we live in the most amazing time, you guys, you can legally stalk people. There is somebody doing this business somewhere and they have shared the formula. Spend a year being a student of it. You better believe a year before I started this podcast, I was all up in Jay's Grill. I was watching everything this man was doing. That's why I'm like two episodes a week. Jay's doing two episodes a week. Like I'm doing, like all the people that are at the top, they're doing a daily episode. They're doing two episodes. The formula is there.

1:21:05And now there's going to be a problem. So give yourself a year to be a student of what you want to be a master of. Search for formulas. What are people doing that are succeeding? Jay's right. Listen to the people that are there and what's missing. And here's going to be the problem. You're going to literally be like, well, then I'm copying Jay. Then I'm doing it like them. Dude, you're going to make it your own because you're your own person. But everybody in the history of time basically kind of does the same thing. There are no new ideas for crying out loud. And so you're literally going to go, but they're doing it this way and I got to make it my way and it's got to be special and it's got to have a logo and it's got to do all this.

1:21:44And so then you're going to avoid doing what are called the reps, the boring, tedious, annoying things that successful people do in the dark. It gets you no credit and no money but that actually builds the business. And so if you want to turn a hobby into a business, be a student first, search for the formulas, then take another year to actually show up every day and put your money where your mouth is and do it broke and do it in the dark while nobody cares and is paying attention and then pay attention to the 10 people that have shown up because they're your people. And if you do that within two years, you will be shocked at what you can create.

1:22:28Shocked. I love it. Oh my gosh, everyone. I want you to know we have got a whole second half in store for you. I'm going to be guiding you for some interactives. We've got a meditation. But Mel has to jump on a flight. She's got a show in New York. So I want you to give it up for my friend, Mel Robbins. Get on your feet. I love you guys. On your feet. I'm knocking shit over, Jay. I love you. I love you guys give it up for Mel everyone Boston love it don't go anywhere the best part's coming next with Jay alright I love you bye guys love you all bye guys bye bye bye bye guys you were at my show I see you yes hi have the best break I'll see you in a few moments back here to meditate to grow, to change.

1:23:25Have a great moment. I'll see you in the second half. Take care, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now. You set a goal today, you achieve it in six months, and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen. What happens when Reese Witherspoon calls up the king of thrillers, Harlan Coben, and says, let's write a book together?

1:24:05I was asking him basically to let me into his secret thriller writing world. This week, Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club goes live from Apple Soho in New York City for the ultimate storytelling mashup. Reese Witherspoon and Harlan Coben on their new thriller, Gone Before Goodbye. You think you're going to read for 10 minutes, and next thing you know, it's four in the morning. Get the story behind the season's most addictive read, already a New York Times bestseller. Listen to Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Dani Shapiro.

1:24:42We were in the car, like a rolling stone came on, and he said, there's a line in there about your mother. And I said, what? What I would do if I didn't feel like I was being accepted is choose an identity that other people can't have. I knew something had happened to me in the middle of the night, but I couldn't hold on to what had happened. These are just a few of the moving and important stories on my 13th season of Family Secrets. Listen to Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Dear Chelsea with me, Chelsea Handler, Nicholas Sparks is here.

1:25:17I would imagine that you've gotten a lot of feedback about setting a standard of romance that a lot of men can't measure up to. I have heard stories. At the same time, I've had seven marriage proposals in lines to sign my book. Really? I get up to the table, doodle dropped to his knees. And I'm like, dude, you're in a Walmart in Birmingham, Alabama, you know. Listen to Dear Chelsea on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.