My Birthday Episode: 12 Lessons I've Learned in the Last 12 Months & Ways You Can Apply Them Into Your Life

0:00This is an iHeart Podcast. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri if you're out there trying to date right now being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science Logan Uri is definitely for you Relationships do require work the best relationships are people who really work on them together Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

0:59naturally we end up under-delivering.

1:06Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so grateful that you're here right now. It truly means the world to me that you tune in every day, some of you multiple times per day or multiple times per week. And it's been an incredible, incredible journey over the last four and a half years of serving you through this podcast, I feel like the community we've developed, the relationship we've developed, the depth that we've created has been absolutely phenomenal. And today's episode is very, very special for me because this is my birthday episode, which means I want to share with you the lessons I've learned, the mistakes I've made, the challenges I've faced, what has been happening in my life over the last 12 months.

1:59Because I feel like you know me and I know you and we've built this incredible relationship over the last few years, whether you started listening one episode ago or whether you started listening 300 episodes ago, I feel connected to you and I know you feel connected too. So I want to kind of talk through some personal things. And at the same time, I want to share with you the learnings, the messages, the wisdom that I've gained through those experiences in my life. My birthday was on the 6th of September, a couple of days ago, and I woke up in the morning and I wrote this caption for what I was sharing on Instagram that day.

2:38And it's inspired an entire episode to share with you some of my top learnings. And for me, my birthday has always been a day of reflection, a day of celebration, a day of reconnecting to my purpose, reconnecting to my essence. And I'm really excited that I get to share that with you in a deeper, more thoughtful way. So I want to dive straight in because I've got 12 reminders, 12 lessons I've learned in the last 12 months. So let's start with number one. And by the way, these are personal and professional. So lesson number one is be really conscious about who you keep and let go from your life.

3:25Just because you have history doesn't mean you have to force a future. A lot of people have been asking me, Jay, it just seems like you've been able to do so much recently. I was able to launch my second book. I was able to go on tour. The podcast hasn't missed. It's been incredible to make some really cool content for our social channels. I've been able to get involved in lots of meaningful impact work behind the scenes. And a lot of people say to me, Jay, it seems like you've been doing so much. And the truth is I can only do that because of the incredible team I have around me. I'm surrounded today by an amazing group of people that work with me because they believe in the purpose.

4:07They believe in what we're trying to do. They see the impact. they are so proud of doing good work by themselves. I have a number of people on my team that are just leaders and previously they never got given the opportunity, they didn't get given the break, they didn't get given the responsibility for whatever reason. And so anything I'm able to do today is truly to give credit to them. Now, notice how I said be really conscious about who you keep and let go from your life. And the reason I use the word conscious is because when you're present, when you're aware, you can energetically in the moment tell whether you connect with someone or whether you don't.

4:53How many times have you met someone and thought to yourself, this is someone I'm going to be friends with for a long time? Or how many times have you met someone and thought to yourself, yeah, me and this person don't align. No judgment, no criticism, but we just don't see eye to eye. And I started to realize that, especially in the workplace, I wanted to work with people that I'd be happy going out to lunch and dinner with. I wanted to work with people and bring people onto my team that I'd want to invest in and coach and guide and mentor. I wanted to have people on my team that I thought could challenge me.

5:29For a long time, I was just looking at people's backgrounds and work experience and things like that. and I started to realize I was actually neglecting my energy check. I was denying my ability to use my intuition and see the frequency of someone and see whether we align on that level. And you see that happen on the podcast all the time. I'm sure you see me with guests where you can see where we're on the same vibration, same wavelength. And it's interesting how we all have that ability. We all have that skill, but we often kind of put it aside or we try to shun it. We go, oh no, no, let me look at the facts.

6:10Let me look at the data. And I almost wanted to give you a reminder that I want you to trust your intuition. I want you to trust your gut. I want you to think energetically about the people that make you feel good, that lift you up, that make you feel like they bring out the best in you, right? Does someone bring out the best in you? Does someone make you feel like the best version of yourself? How can you connect with them more closely and more deeply? And I added a part to this lesson as well. The idea that just because you have history with someone doesn't mean you have to force a future because it's really interesting how nostalgia and how attachments hold this deep space in our life.

6:54We feel we have to stay connected to people because we were once connected to them. We feel we have to force ourselves to have a relationship with someone because we had a relationship in the past. And what I've learned is that you can honor a relationship. Like I've got lots of friends that we were really, really close back in the day. And if I'm completely honest, if I see them now, we can slot straight back into that energy that we had then. And I love doing that with them. But I'm not trying to force and create and build a new part to that relationship anymore if that's not natural, if that's not organic.

7:32And, you know, we've all heard the old phrase that you become the five people you're surrounded by. You know, you become the average of the five people around you. and it's lasted the test of time, that advice, because it's so true. And I want you to be conscious about where you want to go. I want you to be conscious about who you want to be. And if you can answer those questions, who do I want to be? Who am I becoming? And where do I want to go? That's the people you want to surround yourself by. How can you find those new communities and new people around you? Now, number two, take care of your body and mind like your life depends on it, because it does.

8:15In order to serve and give more, I often push myself beyond my limits, and therefore I also need to give them the attention they deserve. Now, I've done this time and time again. I love what I do. I believe in what I do, but I give more than what I have. How many of you have ever done that before? where you're just trying to give and give and give and you're trying to give way beyond what you actually have. How's that possible? Imagine you have a glass of water and someone says they're thirsty and you give them the whole glass and then you're trying to give them more from that glass but there's no more left.

8:55You end up feeling guilty and the other person is looking at you like, what are you trying to do, right? It doesn't make sense, but we do it emotionally. emotionally we try to over give over share over provide over promise and naturally we end up under delivering we end up feeling undervalued and what I realized a while ago was I could only truly extend myself and give myself to others if I was truly taking care of myself had I slept well had I eaten well, had I worked out, had I meditated? Because not only would I be able to give more, the quality of what I was able to give was elevated as well.

9:41If I'd meditated, I was more clear. If I'd worked out, I felt more strength. If I'd eaten well, then I felt like I had better decision-making capabilities. How many of us are trying to extend ourselves to others, but we're just giving them our leftovers? How many of us are trying to be there for other people, but we're not even there for ourselves in the first place. I really, really want you to remember this. It sounds so basic and it's so simple but I know that there are so many of you that want to do good in the world, that you want to do something for others. And what I've realized time and time again is that it is so, so important and necessary for us to remember that helping yourself is a part of helping others.

10:26We often see helping ourselves and helping others as complete opposites. We see them as two things that don't connect. But actually, loving yourself in order to love others makes it connected. Taking care of yourself in order to care for others makes it connected. We have to start looking at our life as interconnected and symbiotic as opposed to disconnected. Now, how do we do this? When you look at meditation, exercise, diet, and sleep Those are the four things I think about I call it meds M-E-D-S Meditation, exercise, diet, and sleep You can't solve all four at the same time And I often think that doing them in a certain order can help you So I always say to people, start with your sleep If you can start with your sleep pattern A lot of other things are going to take care of themselves For example, if you sleep well you're likely to eat better because now you're not turning to sugars and carbs or at least the bad ones for energy because you've slept well so now you're not filling up that energy gap if you are sleeping well also your energy increases to want to exercise to want to work out and you're sleeping better because when you exercise you're using up that energy throughout the day and of course meditation allowing you to have stillness and so i want you to think about how you can start with just one of them.

11:52If you've already nailed sleep, go to diet. If you've done diet, go to exercise. If you've done exercise, go to meditation. Move through your meds very effectively. And this second lesson was most important for me this year with the tour. I was so enjoying my time on tour. And at the same time, it was one of the most exhausting things I've ever done. I was in each city for like one and a half days, if that. And most of that would be coming in, checking in, sleeping in a hotel, eating something, going on a walk, getting on stage, getting back off, flying on a plane again. It was so exhausting that my meds took care of me.

12:32And I've realized that your capacity in life increases or decreases based on meditation, exercise, diet, and sleep. And so in my own life this year, I learned even more so how important it was to take care of my body and mind and what they were capable of and what was possible when I did that. So number three, this one's a big one for me and I want to be open and vulnerable with you. It's okay to ask for help or a hug. You're human after all and so am I. If you're trying to be there for others, it's easy to forget you also need to be held and embraced emotionally. Often I forget this. Don't ignore that need.

13:11I can't tell you the amount of times I've tried to be strong for others. I've held back my own emotions, my tears, my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, because I didn't think it was okay to ask for help or a hug. And recently in the past year, I have been so proud of myself for reaching out to people and just saying, hey, I'd love to chat. Hey, I'd love to talk. Hey, let me just open up about this for a second. And I'm so grateful that I have so many incredible friends in my life, men and women, who are consistently there for me, always to help with a hug, with support, whatever it may be. And I think what's really interesting is, why do we struggle to ask for help?

14:03One of the first reasons is because we're scared that no one will care. we actually have this inbuilt fear inside of us that no one's coming, that no one's coming to help us, that no one's coming to care. And because of that fear, we don't ever ask. And what I've found is that the more I develop and deepen my relationships, the more I'm able to actually have confidence that when I open my heart to someone, they'll want to help me. Another reason why we struggle to tell people is we think it will make us look weak. So now we're worried about how we'll be perceived or how we'll appear to the other person if we express this vulnerability, if we express this need.

14:49Does it make us look like weaker? Does it make us look less skilled and less able? What does it do? And it's really interesting because I realized in my line of work, people always think, oh, Jay has to have it all together. He has to have it all going. And I don't, and I don't think anyone does. And I think that opening up and sharing that with my friends more openly has allowed me to have them feel like they can reach out. Because in the past, people only reach out for advice. But then now you have friends reaching out going, hey, you okay? How are you feeling about this? And I love that. I love that.

15:27It makes me feel great when people do that. And so I've had friends reach out to me and say, Jay, hey, I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling. You know, I wanted to make sure you're doing all right. And people check in on you when you allow them to check in on you. So often we push people away from checking in with us if we always portray our life as perfect or if the perception of us is that life is great. And so we have to help break down that wall for people so that people can actually reach out to us. Because otherwise we just sit there going, well, no one reaches out to me. No one cares about how I feel.

15:59No one really knows. Another reason why we don't give ourselves permission to ask for a hug or ask for help is because sometimes we're scared of whether we deserve it. I've known people in my life who've had incredible people in their life be open with them to want to help them and support them. And these people haven't taken it up because they feel like they don't deserve it. Sometimes maybe we feel we won't fulfill the advice, we won't follow through with it, so we feel unqualified. And I think what's important to know in that case is just tell the other person. I often say to someone, hey, I'm not sure I have the energy right now to follow through with your advice, but I would love to get your perspective.

16:43I'm not sure I'm emotionally mature enough to dissect and digest this right now, but I'd love to give it a shot. Can you share this with me? If we were able to tell people what we were really going through and how we felt, it would be fascinating to see how much more we'd be able to learn about ourselves and they'd be able to learn about us. I don't feel scared anymore to actually open my mind and say, this is what I'm grappling with. This is the dichotomy I'm struggling with. This is the challenge that exists for me. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast. And I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri.

17:19Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author, and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating, that Logan has studied and tested, from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using, to the conversation starters that actually work, and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps. Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. Relationships do require work And the best relationships are people who really work on them together They're so focused on if I find the perfect person Then I'll have the perfect relationship Instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great And then build that relationship together They don't need to keep searching for perfection Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts Lesson number four Don't buy into your own hype Stay connected to why you started and remain a humble student of life.

18:22If you forget this, life will remind you. I love this one because I genuinely believe that it's so easy to get caught up in your own hype and forget why you started and forget why you began and forget the feeling you got when you started doing whatever it is that you do. and for me, I really on tour this year tried to take in the love that I received from all of you when I met you at a meet and greet or I met you walking off stage or when I met you walking into my car after the show or whatever it was and so many of you shared so many beautiful messages of love with me. I really tried to take in the love and I think before I used to think that if I took in the love, I'd be buying into my own hype And I realized these are two very different things.

19:13So buying into your own hype means you're like getting egotistic and arrogant about what's going on. And receiving love is actually so beautiful because it doesn't go to the head, it goes to the heart. And so to me, if someone says something and I can help it go to the heart, it actually is really nourishing and nurturing. And this is one of the reasons why we struggle to say nice things about ourselves. This is one of the reasons we struggle to receive compliments. is because we think they're going to go to our ego. And it's really interesting because what I try and do, and this is how the filtration process or the extraction process works.

19:52So if someone compliments me, let's say someone says, Jay, you gave such a great presentation, right? And I'm doing this and it's uncomfortable for me to even say this about myself. But let's say someone said that to me. The first thing I do is I extract gratitude and I pass that gratitude onto my teacher or my teachers or my mentors who gave me that skill. So whatever skill someone notices in me, I think of the person who helped me develop that skill directly or indirectly, and I give it to them in my mind. And then I express gratitude to the person who gave that to me because they've just reminded me of my teacher.

20:28They've reminded me of beautiful memories of learning. They've reminded me of the growth that I've made, the progress I've made, and so I'm grateful to them as well. So you've just turned something that could turn into ego into gratitude. And that's how you don't buy into your own hype. And what I've understood about life so far is that if you do buy into your own hype, life comes back around, it humbles you, it brings you back down to ground. And it will keep doing that because it's how it's designed. We're designed to see the humanity in ourselves and see the humanity in others and value ourselves based on that humanity, not value ourselves based on anything else.

21:07And I think it's truly special and beautiful when we can actually do that. Number five, people will always try to tear you down no matter your intention. Trust that the people that know you, love you and invest deeply in those relationships to protect yourself. I've realized this the hard way that no matter how good your intention is, no matter how much you care, no matter what you're trying to do in the world, there will always be people who try and tear you down. There'll always be people who criticize you, who mock you, who ridicule you, who point fingers at you. And I take as much of it I can as feedback.

21:44I always look at any criticism as how can I learn from that? How can I grow from that? And at the same time, I have to realize that the people who know me deeply, the people who know me truly, the people who know me honestly, I have to check in with them. And I do that. When I listen to some feedback about myself or some criticism, and I'm starting to internalize it and take it personally, and trust me, I do that, I'll often go to a close friend and I'll say, hey, do you feel this way? Do you think this is true? And I'll have friends who are really honest with me. And so they'll say, look, I don't think this part's true.

22:20I think this is something you could work on. I think this may have some validity to it, but not in that venom that it was given with. And having that conversation is so beautiful. Or a friend of mine just says to me, Jay, you know what? Actually, I'll be honest with you. You're right. And this isn't the truth. And I think it's so important to continually deepen our closest relationships. And the challenge is if everyone always knows us in a shallow way, all the criticism we experience will hit us deep, right? If all of our relationships are shallow, what anyone will say will cut us deep. But if we have deep relationships, if we deepen our relationships, we can then make sense of where things really land.

23:03And so for me, I've also realized that as your scale grows, the amount of people that like and dislike your work also grows. And I think I've tried my best to separate myself from my work, at least theoretically and intellectually, to recognize that someone can not like my work. They may not like what I say, but that doesn't mean they don't like me because they may not know me. And that's okay. And I'm not bitter towards them. I'm not mad at them. I actually share internally a lot of love with them. And I practice that. If someone has ill will towards me, at least internally, I try and practice love and compassion towards them.

23:44Number six, I was talking to someone the other day about how like I feel that as people grow in scale, the percentages change. So when you first start out, 95 % of people will like you and 5 % of people may not know who you are and not like you. And then that keeps changing, right? Where you end up to a point where a lot of people in this world, if they're really well known, 50 % of people love them, 50 % of people don't care about them. And it's a really interesting journey to be on where you start to feel like there's more and more people that understand you deeply, but at the same time, there's more and more people who completely misunderstand you.

24:24And I think that's the way to explain it. It's not about like or hate or love or hate. It's about people who understand you and people who don't. And I feel like if you've been here listening to me and you've been reading what I'm writing and you've read my books and connected with me, you're understanding me really deeply and I really appreciate that space. And at the same time, if someone just sees one clip, They may not understand me at all. And I have to be okay with that. And that's a really hard thing to wrap your head around. And that leads nicely on the lesson number six. Different levels come with different problems.

24:56Focusing on developing new skills and strengths because they will lead to peace. So what I've realized is that there is no problem-free life. There is no amount of money that will solve your problems, all your problems or amount of fame or amount of success that can solve problems. Now that doesn't mean that money can't help with happiness, right? I think we always use the term money can't buy happiness. And I don't believe money can buy happiness, but I also think money can help with happiness. I think success can help with happiness. It can be a part of it. It can help with sorting out certain problems, right?

25:34I had different problems in the past. I have different problems today. And that's why this lesson that I've learned this year is that different levels come with different problems. and a lot of us are trained to pursue or seek a problem-free life. We want a life where we don't ever have problems again and by the way, I would love to have one of those too but it's just not realistic and so I've realized that rather than focusing on thinking, I hope I never hit a problem again, I hope that I never have a challenge again, I hope that I never have a difficulty again, I've realized actually if I focus on developing strengths and skills, if I focus on developing new ideologies, new methods, new approaches, that's actually what shifts my mindset effectively.

26:16That's actually what shifts my energy as well. So people often ask me, Jay, what should I read? Like, what book do you recommend? And I always say, well, what are you struggling with? And I would ask yourself that question today. What is it that you're currently struggling with? What are you stuck on? What is difficult? What is uncomfortable? And all I want you to do is I want you to find a book. I want you to find a TED Talk. I want you to find a podcast episode. all on that subject. And if you have more time, go and find a course. Literally, that's what you need to do. Go and find a TED Talk, then go and find a book, go and find a podcast.

26:50And if you can, go and find a course on that subject matter. And I promise you that if you immerse yourself in learning, you will overcome that problem. Now, when you overcome that problem, you'll unlock a different problem. It's literally like a video game. You unlock one level and guess what? You have another bad person at the end of it that you got to deal with. You get over that problem. Now you unlock another level. now there's another challenge, right? Every level unlocks a challenge. And when you finish a level of a video game, you get really excited. And then you go, oh gosh, now I've got to beat this bad guy, right?

27:20And it gets harder again. And then you celebrate again, and then it gets harder again. So life's kind of like that, where different levels come with different problems. And so don't expect a life without problems when you get promoted, when you get that moment in your career, when you have the perfect family, whatever it may be, there will be another problem. but instead of being defeatist about it, what you want to do is be skills-oriented about it, be strength-focused about it. Lesson number seven. As you get older, don't forget to do things for your younger self. There have been times in the past we neglected ourselves because we weren't emotionally intelligent enough.