Nessa Barrett ON: How to Overcome Loneliness & 8 Ways to Heal From a Breakup

33:49You know, it's a positive word. Everyone wants to be healthy. But for me, when someone says that I look healthy, it makes me want to spiral. You know, it makes me go crazy because that's not a word that, you know, healthy to me. I associate with something that, you know, is not the best because unfortunately in my brain, being called sick is something that in a terrible and ugly way is something that comforts me more than the word healthy. which little things like that I feel like is important for people to know that want to be there for someone that don't you know understand it's like just have to be wise and not walk on eggshells but just be more sympathetic and understanding of what they could possibly be going through even though you don't understand it's yeah something to this day that I still don't understand or get or I kind of struggle with even coming to terms with the fact that I deal with it because I am now at the point where I'm aware of how unhealthy it is but I still can't process you know that it really isn't real because I still have that eating disorder mind you know So but yeah, I think just being supportive and loving and dealing with it with grace and patience.

35:13I feel like that's a big thing. Everyone wants who they love to be better and the best that they can be and healthy and to get help when they need it. But I think sometimes people forget the fact that getting help and recovery is something that's very linear and not linear. um it's a long process you know and it takes time and something like this I mean I've been rushed into recovery before which led me into a pretty terrible relapse you know it takes time so you just have to be patient with people that are struggling and just give them as much love as you can I feel like love goes a long way yeah well I think for what it's worth your awareness and how eloquent you are in explaining at least what you're experiencing is really admirable honestly like just hearing you talk about it and reflect on it your awareness is is so high which is an incredible step in your journey and I think the advice you gave or the insight you gave is really useful because I think when we love someone we think we have to solve their problems and we think we have to say the perfect thing and we think we can fix it and you're so right that actually what we need to do is be patient and supportive and loving and kind and just be there yeah and we don't have to say the perfect thing and we don't have to have the perfect advice because we don't know what it feels like yeah and i think that that's really useful for people to hear because we think we're useless if we can't fix someone's problems when we love them and that and that person doesn't think you're useless that person actually prefers if they just know you're there 100 and you don't have to have the solution one thing i loved when our teams first started talking about us sitting down was your eight stages of a breakup your new music and i wrote a book called eight rules of love and so when that came up i was like i wrote a book about love this year which is why i was on tour and you've wrote you've written music you know with and i know on tiktok i've been watching your videos of each stage and each part and i find that you know you've you've had two public breakups it's never easy could you walk us through what you find is different between a public breakup and a private breakup because i almost feel like we don't really grasp that again until you've lived it oh yeah i'm guessing you had breakups previously that were not public potentially what are the differences like what do you notice breakups in general just absolutely the worst yeah hard.

37:52Even though I feel like they're, they're very critical experiences that you have to go through in life in order to grow it, they suck. But a public breakup, man, I, it just the fact that it's not, you know, just your close relatives and friends that know about you in a relationship. It's probably millions of people that have kept up to date with, you know, your relationship. and I've been so invested and very like fixated on it. And even when it comes to the media today, anything that happens, even when it's not a breakup, drama is entertainment, you know? People love to talk, people love to speculate.

38:38And so dealing with public breakups, I feel like all of the drama that has to come with it, which I feel like is very unnecessary and causes a lot more pain and hurt, to the people that are actually going through it, you know, that doesn't help. But it's like when I'm dealing with the grief of a relationship and losing someone that I love so dearly, and then also on top of that having to do with hundreds of thousands of people talking about it as well, saying things that aren't true, you know, saying things that are hurtful, putting their two cents in it. being very insensitive towards the whole thing, you know, not really understanding because people don't understand that, you know, people in the public eye could possibly be, you know, actually human with actual lives and like emotions when they see whatever, you know, I let them on to see because I, you know, am like a public figure.

39:44I feel like they kind of take that as, oh, this is, that's her life you know that's all that they are but behind closed doors it's like I'm I deal with it you know the depth of life as just as anyone else would um and so a relationship and a breakup for me is just as real as love is for anyone else and I feel like people forget that so I feel like that's hard with having to deal with everyone's opinions and comments and all the stuff that comes with that, but as well as nonstop, constantly seeing, you know, pictures or videos and videos, like, you know, just anything about me and my past relationship and like all of that stuff.

40:27I feel like, you know, growing up in high school, when I first had my boyfriend and everyone started getting in like relationships, like it was like a rule, like when you break up with someone, like you delete their number, like you unfollow them on Instagram, like you don't look at them, you don't talk to them, like you don't hang out with them. Like it's like a out of sight, out of mind type thing. You know, it helps you get, you need that period where it's like they're gone, you know, and you can get over them easier. Well, like it's impossible for me. It's everywhere. And so I feel like that's hard, you know, that constantly being brought up.

41:01I mean, how could you expect anyone to properly move on and get over a relationship that was so deep and intense when it's constantly talked about, constantly brought up in my life. It's hard not to mention I have a song with one of my exes, which is, you know, it's just, it's kind of, it's so different. It's so different. And yeah, I feel like, you know, regular breakup through having to deal with a breakup with the public is always going to be hard. And, you know, They're both hard, but I feel like having the media evolved is 100 % a lot more difficult. How did you come up with the eight stages of a breakup?

41:45Oh my God, this is so funny. But I was listening to, so a lot of the times I'm very intentional and I'm very thought out when it comes to every little thing that I do, especially with music. but this this whole eight stages of a heartbreak and breakup thing actually came after it was done I was listening from top to bottom through my entire EP after it was mixed and mastered and I was kind of like you know what this is kind of like going through like all eight stages of a breakup because I was like instead of the seven stages of grief like this is like eight stages because there's eight songs of a breakup and like the grief of a relationship and I was with my team they're like whoa it's kind of it's kind of cool and I was like yeah and so it all makes sense sometimes um I plan things out before sometimes things just magically fall into place and make sense after um but yeah I love it I I love it I think I think when we start recognizing their stages and phases to anything oh yeah it helps us so much as humans where we realize it's not just all one big thing there's actually changes in how we feel what's the what have you found to be the hardest stage in a breakup for you personally or like what's what's the stage that you find the most challenging i feel like they're all really hard but i feel like the the one i think that i i called this one the desperate stage and I just made a video about it because I have this song called Motel Whore and I was like this one represents the desperate stage of a breakup and it's kind of like that bargaining stage where you just try and do whatever you can to get that person back in your life no matter what costs and like however you can.

43:36So yeah, it's when like you break up with them and then you're at the point where it's like you just want them in your life that you're willing to do whatever it is to keep them in your life somehow, even though it hurts you because you know the way that you want them in your life is the way that you had them before in that relationship. But now it's like, it's not that. And so you kind of end up hurting yourself more because you're, you know, putting yourself back in that place, but also knowing that like, you're going to end up leaving heartbroken again, because it's a lot harder when, you know, you try and be with that person, whether it's like friends or just like hooking up or any of that stuff when there's like actual real love and connection on your part still but it's like and you try to convince yourself like oh like this is going to get them back like our relationship is going to be like you know how it was before but it doesn't happen and then it crushes you even more um I feel like that's the hardest stage when you just become very desperate for any ounce of attention that you can get from that person um because it ends up breaking your heart even more you know you didn't you could skip that stage and you know fully like lead on the path of healing the way that you should but i feel like that's like the one stage where we kind of like trip up the stairs and we're like oh god yeah we made it harder for ourselves yeah that's well said i i couldn't agree more that that really resonates because i think we're living in that dream of like what it could have been and what it should be and like they must love me and it's i'm gonna get it back and i'm gonna win them over and I mean we waste so much time in that what do you think is like the longest stage what stage do you think can you spend the most time in when you break up with someone where you're just like so much energy gets sucked out in being lost at a stage trying to recover from the codependency part um because I mean when you're in a relationship I know I get so codependent on someone you know that's the person that you have always you know you there's something that you go through like Like you have that one person that you can talk to, cry to.

45:41They're always there for you. They become your comfort. You know, that's your safe place. And then when the relationship's over, it's like you don't have that. You're left on your own. I feel like that was the longest stage for me to get over because I was so used to being so codependent on someone and, you know, having that comfort when it's all gone. Every time that I dealt with something that was hard for me, every time that I got upset, every time I felt alone, I couldn't help but want and like crave that person because I was used to having them during those times and trying to escape from the codependency and learning how to love yourself and enjoy your own company.

46:24And, uh, even just like coming to terms with the fact that like, you can be that person for yourself, you know, and that you don't need anyone. I feel like that's the longest process, 100%. You're so right. What helped you personally in both those stages? So let's go back to the first stage, that stage of like, I'm desperate, I'll do anything to get them back. Like, you know, you said that was the hardest stage. Like what helped you in your life break through that stage? Because you're so right, it is the hardest because it's the one where we have the most hope, but it's false hope. and it's the one where we also are living the most in dreamland in our minds.

47:04So it's so hard when that picture crumbles. What have you done? What's really worked for you? I think therapy was a big thing for me. And there was a moment we're doing that time where I fully took the step to almost fully isolate myself, where I was only focused on myself and my healing and my music and things that made me happy. and I spent that time really trying to figure out, you know, who I am as a person and the things that I love and the things that help me. And so it kind of like, you know, that like point of relationship where like you start to like understand and like know that like person that you're with, you know, and you get closer with them.

47:50It's like that very beginning. It was kind of like I started to go through that with myself. And so it kind of took me away from having to, you know, really struggle with the breakup. I feel like you just got to fake it until you make it and just force yourself. And there's always going to be days, I mean, like, I thought there was like a day where I was like, fine. And then two seconds later, I see something and I'm bawling my eyes out, you know. And even And like randomly, like, you know, months later, I'm fully moved on, but I'll still get sad over things because like love is such a strong feeling that never goes away.

48:29No matter like what happens or how things ended and, you know, any of that, like if you ever had true love for that person, you're always going to love them. It was always hard, but I think the second that I really started to prioritize myself and to really just like focus on myself and fixate on that rather than how much I miss that person, it helped. Yeah, that's really, I hope that's going to help people. I hope it sits with people because you're right. It's just almost like you got to push through sometimes. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to make sense. But when you're in that longest phase and it's just getting drawn out, How do you even keep hope?

49:10And how do you even keep faith that I can have love again and that I do deserve to be loved? Because I think in that longest phase is where a lot of people get so broken down that they're like, I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. I'm not worthy. I'm not attractive. I'm not smart, whatever it may be that that person made me feel. now it's like i can't be all of those things because it's that stage is drawn out so much that it beats up your self-esteem yeah that makes sense uh no that was something that i struggled with for the longest time and i think that the the more that you keep yourself in that mind's like mindset the hardest that it's going to be to get out of that because yeah of course i mean like when you start kind of like tearing yourself down and thinking about you know how difficult it is to fall in love again that you won't because no one's ever going to love you and all that stuff and you're worthless and everything that comes with that.

50:12It's going to keep you away from doing the proper healing and to actually want to heal. Because if you have that mindset, then it's like, what's the point of healing, you know, and getting better? I realized I got to a point where I was like, yeah, I'm never going to fall in love again or no one's ever going to love me. And then I got to the point where I was like, you know what? I don't care. I don't care to ever have a relationship. Like I'm fine because every relationship, I mean, there's probably going to be a few trial and error ones until you find the person that you like really end up being with, you know?

50:49And so it's no guarantee that the next one that I can like in a relationship with is going to be the one which would, you know, most likely end up in a heartbreak that in that moment, I'm like, I cannot afford to go through again. So I don't even care to, you know, be in a relationship or find love again. But then in therapy, I realized that it's, that's not going to change unless you love yourself. I feel like loving yourself is like the biggest thing and like the most important thing. And I feel like everyone kind of neglects that because it's like it seems like something that's just not not like unnecessary but we overlook it because like we are you know who we are and we give love to everyone around us because like that's life you know but I feel like a lot of the times we forget to look internally and the only way that you can give things to people is if you already have it within you.

51:44And when I realized that even if like I want to be in a relationship and I want someone, I want to be in love, I'm probably not capable to love someone as best as I can, because I can't even love myself and I don't right now. And so, yeah, I feel like as soon as you just work on that self-love, that's when things start being easier, because then you also get out of that mindset where you're like, you don't really need anyone, you know, and you couldn't be okay with you know not having to look you know and constantly like think about um wanting a relationship or like finding that person to be with and you can just like spend you know nights alone without having to cry about it or wish that there was someone with you um but yeah self-love I feel like is the key having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care.

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53:22Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This is Jason Timp from Hoops Tonight. Toyota is moving forward to a more sustainable future by giving you the freedom to choose from an incredible lineup of trucks now available in both gas and hybrid models, including the legendary Tacoma, the powerful Tundra, both available with the iForce Max hybrid powertrain and backed by Toyota's legendary reputation for reliability. More choices, less compromise. Visit buyatoyota.com for a great deal on an efficient Toyota today. Toyota, let's go places. Hey, audiobook lovers. This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with musician, producer, and walking encyclopedia, Questlove.

54:09We're talking about Mark Ronson's memoir, Night People, How to Be a DJ in 90s New York City. All right, like we talked about before, Mark Ronson found sanctuary in the DJ booth. What's a tool or piece of equipment in the studio or on stage that gives you the most control? So I have two microphones on stage. We have the microphone that you hear as the audience. Then we have a second microphone in which we communicate with each other. I feel like that second microphone kind of saved all of our friendships. No band likes each other after 20 years or 25 years. The Beatles broke up in seven and a half years, and we're going on 35.

54:49Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

55:02how do you find things or have you found things that you love about yourself because i think we live in a society that makes us love ourselves because other people love us so it's like if someone thinks you're attractive then you think oh yeah i'm attractive this is like this is good or if someone thinks you're really smart then you're like oh yeah they think i'm smart so now i'm smart like so much of our self-value weirdly is placed on other people valuing us how have you found things to really love about yourself because I agree with you fully but how do you go that step further to be like I really love this about myself even if no one else sees it I could never understand the things that I could possibly love about myself until the moment that I thought about my younger self because that's still me you know the second that I started you know looking back on the person that I used to be and you know even just like six-year-old me I started to think about all the things that she would be so happy and proud of that I've done you know today that's when I started to you know find things that I actually could feel you know love for myself with and to feel proud of myself for and all of those things.

56:23And then, I don't know, and then sometimes you just kind of have to dig a little bit deeper because I feel like self-love is a lot less superficial than, you know, any other love could possibly be. And it has to be really deep because it's like you know who you are as a person to the deepest core more than anyone else could, more than you can know other people in order to love them. So I feel like that's why it's tricky for us to love like ourselves, because we know the ins and outs of us and the worst parts of us and the ugliest parts. And so we're worst critics. So I feel like that's the hardest thing.

57:05But yeah, when I when I thought about it, I'm like, OK, well, I've been able to do the things that I did, which I never thought I was able to. like that's something that I should be proud of. The things that I've gone through that I never thought that I could make it out of and my strength, like that's something that I should love myself for and just have compassion for myself for. Even just the fact that like at the end of the day, no matter all the things that I've been through and no matter like how bad people have treated me like the fact that I'm still a good person and I still have a good heart and I know that, you know, more than anyone else could.

57:48That's the reason why I should love myself, you know. So I feel like it's just like little things and I feel like it's just very important to just like sit down and really just like analyze yourself and to, you know, just take time to like understand you, which I feel like is something that I just learned how to do. But it's like, it's really nice. Everyone is listening. I want you to take a screenshot right now. And I want you to listen to that part that Nessa just said again and again and again, it could even put you to sleep. Like it's so brilliant because everything you just said that literally the last 30 seconds, I promise you, if you just listen to the last 30 seconds again and again and again, the point will become so clear because what you just said sums up an idea that I really believe And I believe that self-care comes from comfort, but self-respect comes from discomfort.

58:43And you just said that when you look back at all the things you've been through and all the things you survived and all the things you've done, that's what makes you love yourself. And I believe that everyone who's listening or watching today, they've all been through hard things. 100%. Everyone's been through some sort of difficulty in their life. They're still alive. They're still breathing. They've still held on to their good heart. They're still a good person. And that's what you really want to love yourself for. And when you learn to love yourself for that, you realize no one ever gave you that and no one can take it away.

59:14Exactly. And it's yours. Whereas all the other things, they'll come and go and people will change their mind. But this is something that's forever yours. And so you just summed it up really beautifully. And I love the way you said it. I hope people will, honestly, I mean that, just repeat it again and again, because it's just rewiring our thoughts. Yeah. To be like, that's why I'm valuable. I'm not valuable because of all these other things that people are saying. One thing you do that I love, you do a burn box on stage where you get fans to write messages and then you burn them. That is so cool.

59:50I love that. That is the dopest thing I've ever heard of. I was like, you need to do that in my next show. Where did that ritual come from? Walk me through. Did you used to do that yourself? Was that something you invented for the community? like what tell me where that came from because i love that when i when i saw that i was like this is amazing thank you um well the thing about my music is that it's very it's very deep and meaningful and i talk a lot about mental health and i know that a lot of the people that come to my shows are there because they have struggled and they relate deeply to my songs you know it's not just, um, I never want my shows and my tour to just be a show where it's, you know, just me playing, you know, their favorite songs.

1:00:34Like I want this to be like, not like a therapy session, but like a healing, you know, moment for everyone, like a bonding moment, something that's really real, something that they can walk away from and not only just remember the music, but the feeling, that they've gotten from it. And I also wanted to do something that was interactive and helpful and healing the same way. And I thought that doing a burn box could be cool. And it was also kind of the easiest thing that we could, you know, execute for my show, like at the time. But I mean, like what better, like interactive thing to do like on stage than to have, you know, a bunch of my fans that are coming to the show and write on a little piece of paper things that they're struggling with they want to let go of get off their chest and just like let you know just not bottle up anymore and just like get off their chest write it down anonymously put it in this burn box and then watch it being burned on stage you know I feel like that there's something so powerful about that and um I'm so glad that we did it because it was it was you know most of their like favorite parts of the entire show and it's helped a lot of people.

1:01:53And, um, I even like, I've seen like people in the crowd, they cry before while I'm burning it. And it's just like, that's what like makes, that's what makes my day. And that's what motivates me to, you know, even do the show and to like do what I'm doing now, because like, that's the reason why I'm doing it. And it's so pure, um, and heartwarming just to see like how something like that, you know, that I thought could be like a little fun, like could actually like affect them like on a deep level. Um, but yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, it seems like all your music and all the work you're doing is so healing focused.

1:02:30It seems like you're doing so much self healing. It seems like the work you want your community to do is healing. I think it's, I mean, I think it's a genius idea to do on stage. It's, I think it's such a beautiful thing to have rituals that communities, your audience can come and do together. And I can only imagine the incredible experience people are having. you said that was the easiest thing you could do at this stage what's like the craziest thing you want to do that you think would be super healing for everyone do you have like a vision for it um you don't have to I was just wondering if there's something else I've had like I've had like some like pretty crazy ideas um let me try and think I just want to do like a lot like I know that there's like certain songs that like I've I'd love to just like be able to get certain people from the crowd that really resonate or are struggling with something that has to do with that song and like bring them up and you know have a moment with them um I would also love like a point where I you know ever have like a big enough show where I can like actually have you know some my fans you know tell their stories because I think it's just as important for uh me to have a voice as it is for them you know because I've said this before it's like I kind of use my music to be the voice for the voiceless.

1:03:47And so when I get to a point where I can do whatever the heck I want on stage, like I want to give them their voice, you know, I want them to have the mic and I want them to say whatever they feel the need to, but yeah, I don't know. I feel like there's so many like cool things to do, but the Brimbox is just like so awesome. And it also was like very disappointing for the some venues that I couldn't do it in because it was a safety hazard, but yeah. And I also love fire. I think fire is fun too. No, I love the interactive element. Even in my show, we did a ton of interactive stuff. I set people up on first dates, on stage.

1:04:20I love it. I had, what else did we do? I locked people in the caves for 15 minutes. They had to spend time alone without their phone. Oh my God. We were doing this all on stage. And I love that interactive element because I agree with you completely that people need to feel and experience this. It's not just like some idea. and you're right that people really do have a letting go releasing energy in the room when everyone's doing it together so i'm excited to see what you do next like that's that's that's brilliant i think combining music and that sort of a healing experience is super unique and really powerful so i i'm excited for you to have bigger audiences bigger venues and all of that to come to you all of that to happen one one thing that comes to mind for me when we're talking about all of this with you is just you've done so much at such a young age it seems like you're navigating it and and doing it in the best way you possibly can with getting the help and reconnecting with your family doing therapy I mean I'm so happy that you've been supported this young and you've found that support because I either meet people who've been around in the industry for decades and they've just found support or I meet people who are young and kind of really gone off on a different path and there's very few people your age who i think have found that and that's really incredible to see what do you think that young artists need in order to be supported in in their journey of being a musician an actor or an actress or whatever it may be what do you think would be really useful for them for people who are aspiring because i think everyone would want everyone from the outside would look at your life and be like i want that i want to be that what do you think they should be aware of in their journey and pursuit that could help them?

1:06:13I think that the biggest advice and the biggest thing that has helped me and that I could tell anyone is to be very vocal and honest and open and vulnerable, you know, to the closest people around you, to your team, to the people that you trust, because I think that's how I was able to create such a stable support system around me from the beginning because you know everyone knows the type of music that I talk about and everyone knows that I actually struggle with it as well and so I feel like that's why it's me being so open and honest about you know the things that I struggle with and my needs and the things that I need help with I think that's helped me be able to continue this because there's other people that are aware and in support of that as well.

1:07:08And I think like even if people don't really struggle with anyone, just being honest in yourself and never losing sight of that. I feel like I've even had moments where I've almost lost myself in this because it's so easy to get influenced and to try and figure out, you know, what who's the person that people want you to be and who what's the type of music or you know anything like that that people want from you um but that's not gonna do anything but hurt you and your career and um I was just I had like a conversation like not too long ago where it's like yeah like my dream and my goal is to be like one of the biggest artists ever of course It's like what I'm doing this for.

1:07:54But I'm not never in my entire life going to sit down and release a song that I know is a hit or to go and write a song that I know is a hit that doesn't feel like me as an artist and isn't something that I relate to just so that, you know, it'll, you know, give me a step up in the career and maybe like, you know, create this like skyrocket process for me because it is a hit, you know, and it's something that would be good in the industry. I'd rather build whatever I can by being myself because it's more like I'd feel more proud doing that and accomplishing things, just being myself and, you know, saying the things that I want to say and being real.

1:08:37I feel like that means the world to me more than just, you know, being an artist and releasing hits and being a person that, you know, I feel like it's just the easy way out a little bit. But I feel like because of how I started this and how I continue to do all of this, this is what's going to make me be able to do it for the rest of my life. Because I'm not going to get trapped in this facade or this crazy headspace. It's like everyone knows me, who I am. And this music helps me probably just as much as it helps everyone out there. And so I feel very fortunate for that. So yeah, anyone that is inspiring to do this or needs any advice, I would just say to be themselves.

1:09:24That's incredible. You are definitely wise beyond your years. And I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. Like, you know, for everything you just said, I think we need more art in the world that is made from a place of healing in order to help people. It can still be fun and exciting and interactive and entertaining and all of that. but it's made from that deeper place which i feel like you're definitely trying to channel we end every episode of on purpose with a final five these are the fast five the questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum however when i get intrigued i always go off record which is fine we'll we'll do that so nessa these are your final five the first question is what is the best advice you've ever heard or received let go and let god feel like that's 100 % the best advice ever beautiful all right question two what's the worst advice you've ever heard or received text him all right go on tell me more tell me more um you know if you're just like in your head about like an an x or anything like that and someone tells you you know what just text him do not listen do not you know I feel like there's a lot of advice that kind of just enables your bad habits just try to stay away from that great great advice so i'm gonna ask you i'm gonna go slightly off piece here because i think you might have some good advice for people let's say i have a hypothetical friend it's a real friend but let's have a friend who is around your age yeah and she deals with people pleasing she becomes friends with guys who actually want to get with her but then she doesn't like them in that way but then she feels bad to tell them that what should she do in that scenario why are you laughing i never there's something going on i was like this reminds me so much of myself oh right oh that's so funny great so what advice but what advice would you give to my friend it's a real story so i'm like actually asking when she listens to this she's gonna be like Jay, how did you put me out like that?

1:11:34I think boundaries is like the biggest advice. And I feel like when you are a people pleaser and you're a very nice person, like at the core and you only see like the good in people and you can't really like, it's easy to like, it's, it's easy to ignore any red flags. I feel like, um, just try and set as many boundaries as yourself and just like protect yourself and just be cautious. I feel like just being cautious is the biggest thing Because there are sticky situations that you can get into Just because you're genuinely a nice person And everyone has different intentions than you So I think being slow and steady and cautious Okay, great Yeah, I don't know Sometimes it's hard for me to give advice When I'm like, I don't even know That's what I'm asking That's what I'm asking I want to know what you would do Question number three What keeps you up at night?

1:12:29Honestly, anything, anything and everything. I could think about, you know, certain situations that are happening in my personal life or, you know, I get paranoid and have like anxiety about like with my family because they're so far from me now. Or I just start thinking about deep things like God and the universe and aliens and weird stuff like that. And if I'm even human. But yeah, I think anything. Keeps me up at night in a weird way. Even sometimes like songwriting, I feel like I've stayed up for hours before trying to write a song absolutely goes nowhere. Yeah. I love it. Question number four.

1:13:12If someone needs to break up with someone, what is your best advice to the person doing the breaking up? Sit them down and have a really nice, respectful conversation about it and be as vocal and honest as you can and still have compassion and not try to let things get fired up or also stand your ground. Because if you already want to break up with them, don't let them convince you otherwise. And do so without cheating or being disloyal because it is not nice. I had this song that I wrote recently that was, it's called Leave Me Better Than You Found Me. And so it's kind of like, that's like my whole thing like about breakups.

1:13:54It's like, if you're going to break up with someone, like don't do all of the, the yelling and the arguments and the cheating and the slamming the door before you leave at like when you break up, like literally just have it be like a nice, mature, open conversation and like, you know, have it be a kiss goodbye rather than like a slam to the door out type thing, you know, uh, don't cause any more trouble, uh, trouble and like pain than like, you know, you need to. Yeah. Great advice. Great advice. There we go. All right. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show.

1:14:30If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? Okay, this one seems so stupid. This is the first thing that came up in my head. But I think that if there was a law that where if you had to... I feel like I'm going to sound so cringe and cliche doing this. But like if you see someone like in public that's like very like obviously going through it and like crying and like in pain, like give them a hug. Give them like love. I feel like that is something that should be a law. I feel like nowadays there's so much hatred and separation in the world. I feel like we just need a lot more love.

1:15:17So if there was a law that was like if you see someone that needs it, give them love and give them a hug. I feel like that would make the world a lot more of a better place. That's awesome. I love it. Nessa, everyone, Hell is a Teenage Girl. Music is out right now. I hope anyone who's going through a breakup, been through a tough breakup, just wants to have good energy and good healing in their life should go listen to the music. I know that I'll be recommending it to everyone. Nessa, I'm just so grateful to you for, you know, even just talking to you has been so peaceful, so calming. And what's really wonderful is hearing someone who's obviously been through so much, but able to express it in a really coherent way that's not easy like that's really tough and and to hear about all the work that you're doing on yourself and the therapy and the hypnotherapy and just reflecting and making music and expressing your art all of that is just I really appreciate it and it's it's wonderful to see and thank you so much for all the hard work you're doing for yourself and then to share it with others as well but even just hearing you speak i'm like i hope everyone just listens to this episode on repeat because they're gonna get so much out of it but nessa thank you so much everyone who's been listening or watching whether you're walking your dog whether you're cooking whether you're at the gym whether you're driving whatever you're doing make sure you tag nessa and i on tiktok on instagram on threads on twitter on any platform you're using letting us know what stood out to you what stuck out to you what you're practicing what moments you're re-listening to i love seeing what resonates with you maybe you're going to do your own burn box at home safely.

1:16:50Thank you so much for listening and watching. A huge thanks to Nessa for being here. Thank you. And thank you so much. That was awesome. Thank you. If you love this episode, you will enjoy my conversation with Megan Trainor on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident from the inside out. My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for five minutes. It was already tough for me to love my body. But after the C-section scar with all the stretch marks, now I'm looking at myself like I've been hacked. But day three when I did it, I was like, you know what? Her thighs are cute.

1:17:45iHeart. Follow Earsay and start listening on the free iHeart Radio app today. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.