Nicole Avant ON: Why You Should Let Yourself Cry & Ways to Channel Deep Grief Into Grit and Gratitude

27:34You are still working. And it's just a different form of energy. And my girlfriend wrote me a beautiful letter and she said, remember, the best way to honor anyone you've loved, but especially your parents, is to live a full, significant life. You owe them a life. That's the only thing you owe them, is to live. Because that is the best way to honor them, is if they've taught you great things and given you great lessons and given you tools, go on and carry the baton. And even for the ones who don't, let's say you don't have parents that were good to you because that happens and you don't have parents that show up for you.

28:18You can choose to be different than they were and show up as a completely different type of human being in the world. I've seen it. You've seen it. I've heard horrific stories about abuse and trauma and neglect and these young people have chosen to be very different from what they receive from their parents. And I have such respect for that because that's hard. It's hard to carry on a memory if your memories are terrible. And when that happens, then your job now is to, I have to create new memories. Yes. Yeah, people by their actions are either showing us how to live or how not to live. Or how not to live.

29:03Oh, yeah. And I can definitely identify with that with the home I grew up in. I was just taking notes my whole life of how not to be a dad, how not to be a husband, how not to be a person in the workplace, how not to be a family member. Oh, especially in the workplace. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I had people around me all the time where I would say, ooh, okay, so when I'm older and I'm working and I have this position, I'm definitely not going to be like that. And then there were certain people where I'd take notes and I'd say, I want to be just like Carol. She's great. She's so helpful. She's so patient.

29:38And then serving. I mean, I was a waitress for a long time. My parents had me work since I was 10 and 13 and just on and on and on. I sold shoes. I worked at a dry cleaner. My mom would say, I'm throwing you into these experiences because to your point, people will show you who they are. And you can learn how you want to be. But the only way you do that is when you're in interaction with others. And gosh, you're especially serving people. You see how the, I saw the best of people and I saw the worst of people. I was either completely just non-existent or somebody took the time to be really kind and smile at me and ask me how I was.

30:21And so you become very sensitive to it. Yeah. You know, and Tony and Sarah, you know, my stepkids with Ted, they, they're the same. Sarah, I threw her into waitressing. And she said, my gosh, some people don't even see me. I'm nobody to them. And I said, now you know, and now she's very sensitive as a young adult. When we go to restaurants, did you make sure you tip this? Did you make sure? I mean, she looks at the waiters all the time. She looks at every server. How are you? How was your day? How are you? I mean, she's so engaged, but to your point, because she's experienced the opposite. it.

30:55And she took notes. I don't want to be like that. Yeah. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a really good cry podcast. And I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Ury. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a bestselling author and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating that Logan has studied and tested from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using to the conversation starters that actually work and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps.

31:43Whether you're single, dating or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. Relationships do require work. And the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship. Instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I just think the process and the journey is so delicious.

32:17That's where all the good stuff is. You just can't live and die by the end result. It's scary putting yourself out there, especially when it's something you really care about and something that you hope is your passion in life and you want people to like it. Let's get delicious and put ourselves out there. I'm Simone Boyce, host of The Bright Side, and those were my recent guests, comedian Phoebe Robinson and writer Erin Foster. On this show, I'm talking to the brightest minds in entertainment, health, wellness, and pop culture. And every week, we're going places in our communities, our careers, and ourselves.

32:48It's not about being perfect. It's about going on a journey and discovering the bright side of becoming. Few people know that better than soccer legend Ashlyn Harris. It's the journey. It's the people. It's the failures. It's the heartache. It's the little moments. These are our moments to laugh, learn, and exhale. So join me every Monday, and let's find the bright side together. Listen to The Bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So beautiful. I was reminded as you were talking about, you said this beautiful statement of, you know, we're spirits in the material world having this experience and therefore energy lives on.

33:29And there's this beautiful message that you receive. You say, I'm reading from your book, if you don't mind, if that's okay. So this is page 53 for those who are reading along with us and think you'll be happy. and you say a few days after my mother died, Pharrell Williams called. He's like a brother to me. He's family. And he says, we're going to celebrate your mom. He said, we're going to celebrate her legacy. She's a big deal and we're not going to let anyone forget her. She created a life worth talking about. Do you realize that hundreds of thousands of babies were born around the world the day she passed over?

34:07there are 140 million a year all around the world life is always continuing nicole and you must continue her life by living yours to the fullest and he concluded god is still the greatest and you said that farrell says this all the time through good or bad times and he's right god is still the greatest what i find really unique about your journey nicole as well is that you are able to keep and strengthen your faith in your own spirituality, in the way you practice it at a time when it's very natural. And I would never judge anyone if it would actually veer them away. Right. And just say, no. No, exactly.

34:48What do you mean? Yeah, what do you mean? What are you talking about? I've been so good and I've had so much faith and how can this happen? You know, and as I say in the book, it's like, why not us? Tragedies and trials and everything, it happens to, you know, as it says in scripture, it rains on the just and it rains on the unjust. It's everyone kind of gets hammered. But it goes to the power of choice for me. And the reason that I grew stronger in my faith as opposed to leaving it is because I really do believe that the universe has kind of laid it all out. Life has laid it out. Various scripture, you know, your Buddhist scripture, everything has laid it out, which says, here it is.

35:28you're on this earth and kind of here's how you play this game. But these things, we're not going to lie, these things will show up. But the power of free will, which my mom always reminded me about is that, you know, listen, we as human beings do have free will. We have the freedom to choose how we're going to live, choose how we're going to think, as opposed to any other animal. You know, they don't have the power of imagination and choice. We do. So to blame the creator for the choices that people make is not something that I wanted to subscribe to. I was like, I'm not even going there. People make choices all the time.

36:08I see it every day. We all do. People who've had the worst childhoods make great choices, have great lives. I've seen people who I grew up with in a very affluent neighborhood make the worst choices and had nothing to do with their environment. It was their choice. So I wanted to stay, my faith for me really was believing in something that is so much bigger and greater than me that, you know, swing, you know, the stars come out at night. I'm not in control of that. The earth is spinning. That's not my power. You know, the birds wake up every morning, the sun is up, the sun goes down. That's a power that is, yes, I'm a part of that and I'm connected to it, but I'm not the creator.

36:52And so I just decided to lean in more with that power and just say, okay, I accept this. I don't understand it. I may never understand it, but I still do love life and I still do believe in life and the goodness of people and the goodness of life. And I don't want to get bitter. That was my mate. Jay, I was so afraid of becoming a bitter person. And I could feel the root. I could feel it starting. And I was like, no, no, no, no. I got to get rid of this. And that's where I just went into the forgiveness of not condoning the behavior, not saying, oh, it's okay that this happened, or making an excuse, forgiveness for me was I am casting this burden or these burdens of anger and shame and doubt and disappointment and frustration and fury because I was furious.

37:52And I thought, but if I hold on to these feelings, I'm going to sink myself. And I'm not giving anyone the power to take me out. I'm not doing that. So I'm going to stand in my faith. I'm going to believe in what I believe in. And I'm going to believe in life. And I choose to believe that things will get better. I don't know when and I don't know how. I didn't care. But I knew that they would. And I believe, and I'm a big believer in tomorrow. I love tomorrow. I do. I really do. I'm always thinking, okay. Because if I don't get it right, I'm like, oh, there's always tomorrow. And it keeps me hopeful.

38:29Tomorrow keeps me hopeful. I don't try to stay out of the present. But I do look forward. My mom always used to say, you have to have something to look forward to. because otherwise you, if you, if you don't train your mind to, and I'd say, well, I have nothing coming up that I'm looking forward to. And she used to say, make it up, make it up. Pretend you have some part of your, pretend you have some, whatever it is, that's something that's going to make your heart smile because we can all fall into despair very quickly. I love that. That brought a massive smile to my face. It's so beautiful how, how someone's energy and spirit it can be so big that it can, you know, truly live on and, and truly, truly be fought and shared.

39:08It's, yeah, there's this beautiful line that you share from your friend, Penny, who says, grief is the receipt from the universe, showing that you loved someone or something and loved them very deeply. Isn't that the best? When she reminded me of that, I said, okay, wait, say it again. I have to write this down. Say it again. That is so good. But she said, baby, that's what it is. it's a receipt and it does, it could be a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a dog, cat, whatever, something that you love that is no longer there, that has changed form. Even if it's the most peaceful transition, the grief is proof that you loved, you know, the grief is most of the time.

39:53And there's a lot of grief also where there's regrets and all that. I understand that. And I respect all forms of grief. But it is, it's a receipt. Yeah, a receipt that you loved and you were loved. And I was loved. Yeah, deeply, deeply. This one line in the book, you really, I just felt it was perspective shifting in a way that, oh, I just feel like that statement just like, you know, you just embodied and captured everything. And you said that even though your mother's death was shocking, her life was beautiful so imagine even though the end was so terrible her life was beautiful and that's what you're celebrating that's what you're putting emphasis and focus and your light on and i find that's very difficult because when we lose someone it's so easy and natural again and normal and that's when it's normal for us to obsess over how we lost someone and how we left them which is the shortest amount of time we actually experience them, mostly.

40:55But we have all of this time, but the brain and our memory and our mind is so good at just fixating on the end. The end and not the life. Yeah, and not the life. And I had to get to the and. So I used to say, but, but, but. And then I realized, wait, I can have both. This is shocking and terrible and hurtful. and I'm going to celebrate her life and I'm going to think of the good times and I'm going to try and think of all the great memories that'll bring a smile to my face. So it was no longer a but. And once I changed but to and, I didn't have to choose which one I was going to do both and move through life with the shock and the trauma and the stress and the beauty of her life, the beauty of how she lived, the energy of what she gave.

41:47So I was moving with all energies. And it was only until I shifted because I was definitely in the, but this happened. So I don't know how I could ever smile again. But this happened and it was so tragic. And then as soon as I said, this happened and it's tragic and I'm going to think positively. I'm going to think constructively. You know, my dad always used to say to me, girl, keep your mind right. Keep your mind right. crucify your mind every day. You got to keep your mind right. And so that really helped me, you know, and that my friend T.D. Jakes had called me and he said, I understand you're angry.

42:28Of course, it's normal to be angry and all the things you're feeling. But I have a question for you. Do you want your focus to be on her last five minutes? Or are you going to focus on the 81 years that she lived and it's your choice and you have to choose every day which one are you going to focus on you're going to give him five minutes the five minutes and the trauma or are you going to focus on the 81 years and I remember through all my tears the 81 years and it was but it was beautiful because he helped me shift and I had to go to that every day it wasn't like he said it one day. And then, but every day and every time it was very challenging for me, Jay.

43:11And every time I did want to quit. And there were days where I didn't stop all the time, but you need, sometimes you have to push pause in life. And there were days where I would lay in the bed and just lay there and be still and think or not think and just lay there. And I, but I still decided to focus on her 81 years and to focus on what I loved about her and to focus on her contributions to life and society and other people and how she made people feel. So powerful. That shift for me was, you know, I was like that I can, that's something I'd like to remind myself every day with the people that I've lost.

43:50Like that, that really felt like a real gift, that gem of advice and insight. Thank you. You know, again, another natural thing is, especially in a circumstance like this, is to focus on how to get justice on, you know, how to make sure that the perpetrator and the person gets what they deserve and are found. And like, and that, that again is a very normal reaction. It makes sense. How did you navigate that at the same time as navigating grief? Like walk me through that because sometimes we lose people naturally. This wasn't that. This was, So it's an additional kind of energy direction because here you are dealing with loss, but then you're also dealing with an individual who's, you know, acted so recklessly.

44:38Yes. And I thought, oh, my God. And my father broke my heart one day because he said, oh, boy, because they hadn't caught him yet. And he said, and then he was curious about that, obviously, and like wondering, oh, my God, is this person still around? And my dad immediately went to other people. He wasn't just focused on my mom. He immediately went to, oh, my gosh, I hope this person is not hurting somebody else. Because he's obviously shown he can do this. He does this. But I still, I had to present on behalf of my mom and the family to the judge, you know, what my intention was. And it really was, listen, you know, whatever the divine justice is going to be in this, I'm not the divine justice here.

45:20But I will say that my intention was I want to make sure that this doesn't happen to another family. I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I don't want other people to feel that. So if I had any little way of just stating that and making a difference, that gave me something to live for, actually. Can I try in my little square, can I hopefully stop this from happening to other people? and thank God that he's not on the streets, you know, because there's a lot of reckless people on the streets and a lot of violence today in various different forms. And it's really heavy and it's so unnecessary.

46:02Yeah. And it's cruel and unkind and, but I like, it's reckless. Yeah. I mean, it's horrific. It's horrific and reckless. It's horrific, yeah. But it happens to so many people in so many different ways and I don't think people realize, you know, we see the science of what it does to families when there's a tragedy. It could be a child drowning or a car accident or anything. And families sometimes fall apart, and I understand why. And Ted and I had to look at each other, and I sat with my dad and I said, listen, you're going to come live with me. I'm never leaving you. We're going to be lockstep.

46:43You're going to be my road dog. Wherever I go, you're in the car with me. Whatever my life is, we're just going to merge. But I had to sit with Ted and I had to say to him, we had to look at each other in the eyes. I said, listen, this is horrible. And both of us are grieving in very different ways. But we have to make a decision and look at each other in the eyes right now and make a commitment to each other that we're going to walk through this. And no matter how hard this gets, and no matter if any, each of us want to bail, I'd understand, but we're not going to. We're going to stick this out.

47:19I've got your back. You've got my back. We're going to be here to take care of my father. And my intention was we're going to give him a space where he feels loved and honored and safe and seen. And if we can do that, then we've done our job. But we have to have a commitment because the pain is so deep, Jay. And I see it now. I used to read articles like, why would they? They had a baby. And I understand this tragedy, but why would they divorce after that? Why would they? Oh, I get it. Until you go through it, I get it. Because the shock is so insane. Your brain isn't the same. Your heart's not the same.

48:02Your brain's not the same. Yeah. Yeah. And that's another reminder to us all where it's like, if we haven't been through a experience, how not to judge, how to take a step back, how to be compassionate. But when I hear you being able to take a step back to the point of view of saying, I want to look at this from the point of view of how this will not happen to someone else. That's like model behavior. I mean, that is such an elevated spiritual space to come from that you're not going, I think this person deserves this because of what happened to this no which would be fair yeah like that would be totally fair there'd be nothing wrong if you felt that way but the fact that you could come from a place to say actually i just want to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else again and and i believe actually after the unfortunate event at your home like he went off and did more that same day like 40 minutes later so right after you were very right to actually yeah have that feeling yes That news was crazy.

49:01And so one of my friends, Amy, who's in the book, she's the one who went to the house and got my mom's things for me and got the Bible and found the Christmas card, all these things. Amy shows up at the house that afternoon and she says, I am so sorry I'm late. I heard about your mom this morning, but we were woken up last night by helicopters and sirens. Right next door to my house, there was a home invasion. and it was craziness and the guy shot himself and there was madness and blah, blah, blah. We were all out in the streets. She's going on, on, on. And I said, really? She goes, can you believe in the same night it happened to your mom?

49:36She comes over 24 hours later, white as a ghost, eyes wide open. And I said, what's going on? She said, uh, remember I told you that there was a home invasion next door to me? And I said, yes. she said that was the same person that was the same person that left your mom and showed up right next door to a best friend just that out of all places out of la is pretty big out of all things but the energy and the connection and and interesting enough i had this huge crystal that i had bought for myself and i couldn't figure out the right place to put it and it happened to be Amy's birthday coming up.

50:17And I was on the phone with my mom. It was months before she died, maybe six months before she died. And I said, I don't know what to do with this crystal. It's so gorgeous, but I don't have the right room. And Ted's like, what are you doing with that big thing? And she said, well, didn't you say you didn't know what to get Amy for her birthday? Why don't you give that to Amy? I said, oh, I absolutely will. And of course, she had put it right in her backyard on the fence line of where all this. So Amy just felt my mom everywhere. But again, of how we're all connected. And you don't even realize that out of all places.

50:52But yeah, he did this to someone else. And that family was traumatized. There was a young girl in the house. So I think that also helped me knowing that story. Knowing that there was a teenage girl in the house and she was petrified and all this. And thank God nothing happened to them. But that it is about other people too. That this didn't just happen to us. that's why i went to the place of okay there's so much trauma here my prayer is that it doesn't go any further you know i'm listening to you and obviously i read the book and i'm hearing just it's almost like your mind you allowed your mind to naturally go to all of the the bots but then you've found like that tiny crack of light and that breakthrough and you've kind of found your way there and and i for everyone who's listening i can see nicole nodding And it's like that, that feeling that we often have is like the amount of light that shining through is so small, like the teeny, right?

51:47Like the tiniest gap. Yeah, like a little nail, like a little head of a nail. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's not because it just looks dark. And, you know, one of the biggest ones that I think a lot of people again naturally feel are, why me? I could have done this. I should have been there. Like that can just, you know, I've heard that like destroy people inside. I was just going to use that word. It will destroy you. Yeah. It will destroy you. And I felt it. You could feel the destruction in your... What did you do with that emotion? I immediately said, you know, why not me? First, I was like, okay, we're human.

52:18We're in a human experience and bad things happen around the world to really good people all the time. Bad things happen to bad people. It's everybody, right? You know, it's funny. My mom used to, she loved the theater. She loved stories. She loved film, television, and song also, because her point was each of these mediums, most of them, especially film intelligence, is showing you the hero's journey. You are the hero of your story, but you don't go to the movie because you know the ending. We all go and we pretty much know the ending in the trailer, but we go because we want to see the middle, which is the challenge, which is the but, which is what do I do?

52:59Am I going to survive? the decision, the turning point, the pivot. So the pivot for me was everything because I thought, right, mom told me this, like things happen. People make decisions every day. You know, you've got laws on the books now, you know, mothers against drunk driving, all these things, but that happened. Those good things came from a very tragic place. And it is looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's really grasping for that light, looking, even if it's teeny. I was looking around like, it's got to be there somewhere. And some days I didn't see any light. I have to be honest.

53:37There were some days there was no light. I felt it, but I didn't see it. But there were some days where I just was sitting in darkness and sitting, I felt like I was sitting in mud and just, or quicksand. And it just was heavy. And those were the days that I I thought, okay, I've got to now purposely look for a little light. And I would go outside and I'd sit in my yard and I would stare at the flower. I would sit in nature and I would look at the trees and I would watch the birds and I would watch life. I would watch the sunsets every day. I never looked at them every day. I took advantage. I took that for granted.

54:13Oh, there's a sunset, you know, a couple times a year. Oh, every day since my mom, I would watch the sun go down. I would make sure to watch that sun go down because it reminded you there is a cycle of life and the sun's going to rise again. And if I knew the sun was going to rise again, then I knew I was going to rise again. You know, the more disconnected we've become from nature, the harder it is to acknowledge the natural transitions and the natural rejuvenations, the seasons, the ability for things to wither and then come back. And my mom died, you know, it was winter, it was December 1st.

54:50And I remember I just trimmed back everything and pruned everything and everything was barren. And then I remember in April, everything that I had cut back, everything was re-blooming, showing up again, gorgeous. And it had pushed through that, it was that harvest time, you know, there's seed time and there's harvest and there's this growing time. And I understood growing pains. That's what I was like, oh, this is what growing Oh, this is what this means. Okay. But nature helped because the seasons helped me. Because like I said, it was rainy and it was dark when she passed. And then a few months later, the sun was coming out, the weather had changed, the flowers were out, the hummingbirds were around.

55:36And it was a reminder of this too shall pass, like things will continue and you have to go on with life. And of course, while you were writing this book, I believe it was when it went to print, you also lost your father at that time. And he knew you were writing the book. Yeah. He was reading. Was he? Yes, he was into it. He was great. He was pushing me to write because he knew it would be cathartic for me. And I said, Daddy, I've been writing this book, but mommy's died. So I'm going to put this away. He goes, no, no, no. I want you to write about Jackie. I want you to write about life. I want you to write, Nicole.

56:09And he was so, I was so happy to have his presence in my home because, yes, I was taking care of him, but he was really taking care of me too. And Ted, like you had just acknowledged, he had just lost his father. So to have a patriarch back in the house when Ted is grieving the loss of his own father, to have my father's energy was great. And my dad was a real doer. I mean, he was always moving and shaking and getting things done. He never really sat down, never really relaxed. and he said to me, you have things to say in this book and you'll help people hopefully. And what I loved, he was like, this book is about being an offering.

56:50It's not about business right now. This is an offering, Nicole. Write your book. Finish your book. Your mother would want you to finish the book. And I said, I know, but I don't know how to pivot this because you'll figure it out. You could throw Jackie in there. But he did read it and he read five chapters for sure. And then he said he flipped through a lot. But he was so proud, Jay, because he knew his legacy and my mom's legacy were not going to be lost. And he was a big believer in history and legacy. And he said every generation has the responsibility to honor the generation before them. Of all races, of all religions, everybody who sacrificed.

57:31The greatest way to say thank you to the people that you will never have met, you can't say thank you to, is to honor them by taking the baton that they've given you and live your life. That's why my dad's big thing to me growing up was you better use your freedom wisely. I didn't have the freedom that you have. We're living in the same lifetime right now. Yeah. I didn't have what you have. I couldn't go to the school I wanted to go to. I didn't go to the hospitals I wanted to go to. Couldn't get healthcare. Nothing. thing. I didn't have your rights, but I did not stop because you are the promise.

58:04And you, Jay, are the promise. Like all our generation, everybody is the promise. You think of all these wars that have been fought and all around the world. And it's for a freedom that the Western world has. And war is not pretty. It's ugly. It's unfair. All of it's uncut. It's all nothing great. But the truth is it has happened from the beginning of time. So I think I love that my father reminded me, use your freedom wisely and remember your ancestry. Remember the people who came before you and remember that you are the promise. You are the promise. So show up. Your parents are phenomenal. They're just unbelievable.

58:47It's so funny because they were so opposite. I told somebody today, my dad was Archie Bunker from all the family and my mom was Queen Cleopatra. But their energies got together and they made magic. and they were complete opposites. But I just love how clear they were in their communication with you that today their ideas are so clear for you and they're so coherent for you. Not just that you can repeat them. You know, when children can repeat smart things, we get impressed. But when we become adults, we don't get impressed by repetition. we get impressed if someone can actually live and apply the ideas.

59:29Apply the ideas. And to be living and applying the ideas in this much at a time of such horrendous pain, that speaks volumes to just how deeply your parents taught you these incredible... Yeah, they really wanted to make sure I never forgot or took advantage or took for granted what I had, you know, and the blessings that I had. Yeah, there was one line in here about the blessings that I loved because you have an area called the blessings of our ancestors. But no, actually, it was this. It was this that I wanted to pick out. This is for anyone who's going to be reading the book as well. This is on page 99.

1:00:08I know now that my parents, my mother especially, truly were preparing me for a terrible day like this. The lesson was this. It's not about the loss and the death. It's about the life. The dash between the dates, as my dad would say, that there is truly the art of living. Yeah. The fact that you believe that your parents were preparing you for something hard and difficult. Yeah. It was a subconscious knowing, but I would always say to them, does everything have to be a lesson? Why does everything have to be a lesson? It felt like every day I came home, I got it. Can we just, can I just go to soccer practice and come home and eat dinner and go to bed?

1:00:49And there was always a lesson, but my dad would say, you come with a number and you end with a number. What are you going to do with your dash? And it was all the time. And because they had seen so much tragedy And my dad, I mean, he was born in 1931, segregated America. He has seen his fair share of tragedy. So he didn't want me to be ignorant to the ills of people. He had already grown up with it. He had seen it. He was taught, do not look up in the sky because you might see someone that you know who's lynched. That was the world he grew up in. But the beauty of him is that he still found a way to look at the great things of life.

1:01:27He still felt I have something to do in this life. He still felt I'm significant. He still felt, I'm going to go out and fight for my rights, fight for the rights of other people. And so he wanted to make sure that I didn't become complacent. And so I think a lot of their lessons have reminded me of my history. There was so much pain or history in general of all people, of all races, because my mother loved, you know, we all say now like cultural appropriation. She's like, it's appreciation. It's appreciation. because she believed that you have brothers and sisters all around the world, that you're connected energetically.

1:02:06They're going to be different races, different religions, different genders. It doesn't matter. You're still connected. And they were really big on that, which I love. But with that came the history of a lot of people. And so that's why I think they were preparing me because I saw, with all the great history of every culture, there is also so much pain and trauma that got them to the promised land. Yes. And so my mom, that's what I meant by that, that they had prepared me because they gave me this appreciation of every culture that has been through something horrific. And yet they still chose to live and they chose to still be good.

1:02:49My mom's prescription always was be good, do good. Be good, do good. Start there. She'd always say, I'm going to start there. What do I do with this? Be good and do good. Even right after she passed away, I went to a restaurant and the hostess was really rude. And I was still fresh in my trauma. And she said something to somebody. And I remember I pointed my finger at her. I go, no, hey, wait, stop that. And she said, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But even though I was, quote, in the right, I walked in and I could feel my mother inside of me saying, you don't ever put your finger in somebody's face, Nicole.

1:03:25Don't you ever put your finger in someone's face. So I remember walking over to the owner of the restaurant. I said, I'm really sorry. I just want to take ownership of this. I did do this. I am very sorry. I have apologized to her. It was rude. And it doesn't matter that I just want to own this. And he thought, you don't have to apologize. You really, I go, no, I really do. Because I can feel my mother. And I do not want to be haunted by her. But I could just hear her saying, an eye for an eye doesn't work. So just because she was rude doesn't mean that you have to go and be rude. And that's what I had done.

1:04:04She was rude. So I said, I'm going to get you back. And I'm waving my finger. And my mom used to say, an eye for an eye does not work. We all know that. It's proof it doesn't work. The karma doesn't settle. You just create more karma. You just create more karma. Yeah. So it doesn't work. It doesn't cancel it out. We think it's going to cancel the karma and all it does is make more karma to get over. Yeah, it's really fascinating how, oh, I'm so glad you went there. I feel like we're so convinced that if someone does something bad, then we can react however we want. We're justified, but not realizing that it just creates more negative energy.

1:04:42It doesn't perpetuate. Yeah, it creates more chaos. Yeah, there's nothing positive that comes out of an eye for an eye. We think that there is, but it doesn't. At the start of this interview, Nicole, you said you're in repair. I love that word. I think we're all at the workshop. Yeah, I like that. We are at the workshop. Yes, we are. Getting repair done and, you know, being renewed and refueled in so many different ways. And I, do you still cry? Yes, a lot. Just the other day I saw something and it reminded me just right there. It was this drag, all a bunch of dragonflies. It was like a beehive.

1:05:18And I've never seen that before. And my mom loved dragonflies. And I, when I tell you, I burst into tears, but deep cry, like belly cry. And I do cry a lot, but it's helpful for me because I've noticed the times where I want to stop crying like, oh, Nicole, it's been 20 months, stop crying. No, it's, and it does release. It's a release. And that's why I think that the creator gave us the ability to cry, to move that emotion, to get that emotion out and to honor the emotion, to look at it for what it is. Because until I cry, I don't really know how I feel about things until I do cry. And then I realized, oh, that really did make me feel this way or it did hurt me.

1:06:00I didn't realize how much that hurt me until the tears come. I'm so glad you said that. Yeah. Yeah. The crying is important. and I actually will play music sometimes that I know will make me cry if I'm feeling stuck and I know that as soon as I get this out, it's going to create a space for new energy to come in. But you know, it's once you have that hard stagnant energy and if you don't move it, new energy doesn't get to come in. Nicole, you've been so generous by sharing your journey with us today and i'm really just appreciate how you've been down every normal natural path that anyone would mentally and emotionally and spiritually after this and you found the and at the end of every path you know when we get to the end of every path and it feels like there's nothing beyond it and then you found the and which is that extension that we all need to find and I genuinely, genuinely, genuinely believe that if anyone has someone they love, this book is a toolkit.

1:07:06It's a guide to give someone the transformation that we know is possible, but I am in awe of how you've responded and being able to channel your parents in this very difficult time. It's so easy to say it and share it, but to use it at this time is beautiful. And I pray and I meditate that anyone who reads this book receives the courage that you have, the peace that you have gained and the helpfulness for others to pass on what they've gained as well. Thank you. I appreciate that. Nicole, we end every On Purpose episode with a final five. These are questions that have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.

1:07:51Okay. And I believe it will be a really useful exercise because I think we'll even discover further. So Nicole, Avant, these are your final five. Oh boy. The first is, what is the best grief or advice you've received during grief? Love, love matters. That game changer for grief, healing balm. And what would you say is the worst grief advice or words to hear during times of grief? I know how you feel. I've said it so many times to people. I mean, I had to learn. I was going through my own thing going, oh, my God, I've said all the wrong things and done all the wrong things. But it's just a reaction that we all say.

1:08:31Yeah, it's because when we say we know, we actually limit the other person's ability to share. To then share. Yeah. Yeah, so it's over. I know how you feel. I'm like, oh, well, I can't even tell you how I feel or I can't even call on you to come and sit and talk with you and talk this out because you already know. Yeah, there's no chance for me to feel understood or seen. Seen, yes. Or loved. Heard, any of it. Yeah, because you already know. Thank you. That's really beautiful. I wanted to ask you these three words you so eloquently chose. Third question for you is walk me through when you needed grit, when you required grace, and when you chose gratitude.

1:09:11So you can give me one for each. The grit showed up for me on this journey right when I got the news. I had to pivot and I had to, you know, grit for me is a hustle. It's a pivot. It's an action. And I had to have grit to move through these terrible times where I just wanted to sit down and do nothing. And I had to, I had to be present and on and figure this out. The grace was choosing to forgive, choosing to give up the anger and the frustration and the pain and giving it up to a higher power and not letting it poison me. So that was the grace. And the gratitude was being so grateful that I had two parents who paid attention to me and supported me throughout my life.

1:10:07And I didn't understand a lot of things when I was younger. You know, they were a little more strict than other parents and a little more disciplined and all this, but thank God that I had parents who did show up for me, even in disagreements, even in hard times. I never once thought they weren't going to be there for me. And that's what I was the most grateful for, that I had them. And my friends and my friends that showed up for me, I'm grateful that that's when I went into the gratitude of, my gosh, people are showing up for me and people are taking care of me. Thank you. That's so beautiful.

1:10:46Question number four, two left. Question number four, what was your most frequented prayer? I would say over and over again, it was my grandmother's prayer, which is today is the day the Lord has made and I choose to be glad and rejoiceful. And I just, I choose to be glad and rejoice in it. Sorry, that's it. And I'd look at her like, okay, grandma, whatever. She used to sing the song and she'd be cooking her food. But I found that because it was repeated over and over again, and I overheard her when I spent time with her, and it was that word choice, and I choose to be glad and rejoice in it. So I just thought, okay, I can do that too.

1:11:30I don't feel like it, and nothing is showing me that I should be joyful or glad, but I choose to rejoice in and choose to be glad. And then I found things to be glad about. That's how you found life, even in the darkest. Yeah, that's how I found it. I really was. And then my big mantra was, you know, I'm just standing in my faith. I'm standing in my faith. I would say that over and over and over again, even though I didn't really believe that I was, I just said it over and over again because I needed to create some solid platform under me. otherwise it felt like quicksand. Fifth and final question Nicole we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be?

1:12:16The golden rule. Nicole again so grateful to you for coming on on purpose for everyone who's been listening or watching the book is called Think You'll Be Happy I want you to find out why it's called that when you read the book that's why I did not ask the question it's a beautiful reason why it's called think you'll be happy the book is full of so many more stories deep texture of explanations behind things nicole shared with us today please go and grab a copy share it with a loved one share with someone who's lost one when you don't know the right thing to say or the right thing to text if you feel the person is ready offer this to them like i said i'll be offering it to and have already been offering it to friends i wrote here as part of my testimonial this book should be required reading for anyone wanting to understand how to trust in the light even at the darkest times and i truly mean that the book by nicole avan please of course clip and cut as you always do tiktoks instagram reels that resonate with you that connect with you share them across spread them because i hope you felt the energy that i felt by sitting here i want you all to feel it and i want you all to share it because even if we're not going through something like this right now i know this energy will be extremely healing for those who are so please pass it on and call them so grateful to you thank you i'm so grateful to you thank you so much thank you thank you if you love this episode you'll love my interview with dr gabor Mate on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

1:13:51Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable. This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given. And Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destination. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel, and even access to one-of-a-kind experiences, experiences like music festivals and sporting events.

1:14:26And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Trust me. Discover more at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA Member FDIC Subject to credit approval, terms apply This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose If you've ever felt off-balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset Delta invited four creators to explore one idea What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? and the results? Based on their Oura Ring sleep scores everyone met the day feeling more rested and a sense of clarity stayed long after the trip.

1:15:20With Delta fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter park faster ParkWiz Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This is an iHeart Podcast.