Rob Dial: How to Break the Cycle of Procrastination & 3 Ways to Change Your Repeated Thoughts

23:31No, you'd be like, I'm gonna take action immediately. And so it doesn't need to be like a fear of losing everybody. But what's really behind that is like, why? Like why they're doing it. Like if I have a reflection of anyone who doesn't know Jay, like you're one of the hardest working people I've ever met, but you have a really strong why, right? And that's like one of the best parts about it, where it's like, when I see Jay, I'm like, this guy has, he has this internal feeling of like, I want to change the world. And you work so hard trying to do it. And that's one of the most beautiful things about you is like, you are wanting to change the world and you have a really strong why to it.

24:04And I think that if most people could figure out like, oh yeah, well, I wanna do this thing. Why do you wanna do it? And my very first one-on-one coach used to say to me, he would say, what's your why? What's your why? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? He was like, hammer it home in my head. And I was like, why do you ask this so much? And he would always say, because if your why is strong enough, your how will reveal itself. If you know why you want to do something, how it's gonna be done, you'll figure out. It doesn't matter. things are going to get in your way. There's going to be obstacles.

24:34There's always going to be obstacles. There's always going to be challenges. There's always going to be moments of like, I don't know if I can do this, but if your why is so strong, it's like, I don't care what comes up in front of me. I'm going to get it done. Like most people, they want to be motivated. And I have come to hate the word motivation because motivation is so fleeting. Like we can wake up and we can listen to a podcast. We're going to get, you know, read something and be motivated. And then something can happen to us and it's gone. It just disappears. What I want to be is I want to be driven.

25:03Like when you see a driven person, like you see it in their eyes, like, yeah, they're not stopping. And the difference between a motivated person and a driven person is that the driven person has this why that they want to see have happened in the world or in their life or for their family. And so I think if people are like, I want to accomplish this goal, the very next question is why? And then go why, why, why, why, why, and go deeper into it. But an example I give in the book is I had a coaching client years ago, like eight, nine years ago. And he was like, Rob, I want to make$100 ,000 this year.

25:36I've never made it. And I was like, why? And I took him through what's called seven levels of why. I just keep asking why, why, why, why, why. And it went from, I want to make$100 ,000 this year because I've never done it before, to the eventual thing was he had just got into a divorce a couple years ago. Both of his young children lived in a bad part of town with his ex-wife. he wanted to regain custody because he was afraid that both of his children would be killed in a drive-by and he was so terrified of it that that was his actual true why and so it wasn't the motivation I didn't have to talk to him say hey you know how close you'd make a hundred thousand dollars this year I said hey how close you to providing more safety for your children this year because he wanted them to move in with him he wanted to be able to provide for them and to make sure that they were safe and so I think that if we just ask ourselves why do I truly want to accomplish this goal, it kind of reveals itself and it makes it a lot easier to take the action.

26:27Yeah, for sure. I mean, I, you know, and I appreciate all the kind words, but I can definitely say the only thing that's kept me going is my why, because I think there are so many things that either make you want to give up or slow down or become lazy or complacent. And when I look at it and someone asked me this, I was sitting with another creator end of last year. And he was just like to me, Jay, why do you even do anything anymore? Like, what's the point? Like, it seems like you're good. Like, why do you need to do anything? And I was like, we've just got to the start of everything. Like I just got to the beginning of where I need to be.

27:00I was like, we've just got to a point where we can connect with lots of people, but we need to give people the step-by-step process to transform their life. And now we can take them on the journey because people are listening, they're engaged. We have a community, we have a connection with people. But when I started out, we didn't have any of that. So I see it as we just got to the start of where I want to be because, and it was just interesting to me that so many people struggle to find their why. And I think it's because we don't, no one's, and you just said your coach helped you do it. It was the same with me, my art teacher at, from age 11 to age 18, he was my art teacher at school.

27:39And every time I'd paint something or draw something or do a collage or graphic design and whatever I do, the first question he'd ask me is why did you do it? and I'd be like, because my initial response was because it looks good. Like that, you know, as a kid, what do I know? And he'd be like, every year he'd be like, why did you do it? And I'd be like, oh, because this color matches with this color. And then be like, why do you do it? And I'm like, oh, because it reveals the metaphor that I think this is about. And then he'd be like, why did you do it? And I'm like, because that's how I'm feeling right now.

28:06I'm trying to, and every year he would ask me, he would reveal more and more layers of my psyche in a similar way. And again, I've owed it to someone in my life who pushed me to ask the question why same as you and so I think what we're both saying is please ask that question to yourself but what if someone asks that question and they feel stuck and they kind of go I've asked it but it's kind of just like just want a nice house like I just want a nice car or just I just kind of want to you know like it's not that deep and I think you're right like you said we don't have a lot of primal fears like some people are listening right now will have fears of survival and that is driving them and they are working hard and they are pushing and at the same time we'll have people who like driven but they're like i'm not driven enough because i haven't got anything to be that scared about right or that worried about what how did that person discover their work yeah i think for me it's like my life was never terrible or you know like when i when i started the yeah when i started the podcast the mindset mentor like i was at a point in my life where i was making a whole bunch of money and i was 27 years old and i was making 250 grand a year and I was working from home and everything was great.

29:10But I felt like I was slowly withering away and I could see what the future was going to be while I was there. And I said, okay, if I do this for another five years and I'm 32 years old and I'm still doing this, or I have my manager's job, is that going to fulfill me? And it actually gave me more anxiety to think about having my manager's job. And then I sat there and I thought, okay, well, like, I really want to do this podcasting thing. It seems to be going pretty well. I want to coach people. I want to help people. And I also at the same time was like starting an Amazon business and trying to make money online and do that.

29:44And so I thought about it and I asked myself, okay, if I fast forward five years from today, do I want to be the person that's in sales management like I'm doing now and consulting? Do I want to be the guy that's selling stuff on Amazon and, you know, incredible Amazon business person? Or do I want to be the guy that's coaching people and helping people change their lives? And the immediate answer was very clear, coaching people and changing their lives. And I was like, okay, well, that feels like it's the path. And then immediately comes up is all kinds of fear. Because I don't know what I'm doing.

30:12Like back in the day, 2015, nobody made any money in podcasts. I didn't have any idea of how to grow a business, any of that type of stuff. But what was important to me was number one, when I fast forwarded into the future, the futures that I didn't want seemed way more painful than trying the unknown and what could be if I did take the path. And so that was, that became more of a fear, like the fear of judgment, the fear of putting myself out there, other people's opinions, it was there. It's still there. And I don't know if you ever get past it, but you just kind of get more used to it. But the fear of being in the exact same position, working the same job, maybe making a little bit more money doing this for every day until the day I die was terrifying.

30:51That was, that was a fear. And I was like, well, then this path of the unknown isn't as scary. And so I might as well take this path of the unknown. And I'll be fully transparent. There was, I shared this on like one other time, I think. There was a moment in 2015 where I started the podcast in August of 2015. November of 2015, I was feeling like a whole lot of fear. And I was like, I might have to go back and work for someone else again. And it was just, fear was so in my head. And I was like, I got to go back to making money. I got a new house. I got a mortgage. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

31:25I'm not making any money doing this. my sister came out to me and I believe you know if you're silent the messages are always there if you're looking the messages are always there my sister I was at her house and she goes hey have you ever seen this box of dad's stuff and I was like no and she brought it my my father was an alcoholic he passed away when I was 15 from his alcoholism and she brought out this box and it was like his glasses it was a t-shirt of his it was his watch and the other things were a bunch of letters my dad was in jail for a little while for multiple DUIs and they put him in jail and he would write letters to us.

31:57And he wrote a letter to my sister on her 19th birthday. And I was reading this, you know, 2015. So he would have wrote it to her in 1999. And the very last line was, I hope you live your life with courage, love, and laughter. And I read it and it was like the universe warped. And I was like, oh, he wrote this for me. Like there was a moment where I was like, he wrote this to my sister, but the universe is giving this message through my dad because I need to hear this right now. Because I'm in so much fear. And the very first line is courage. Live your life with courage, love, and laughter. And I was like, I got to commit.

32:36Like, this has to be the thing. I've got to make a decision. And when you look at the root word of decision, it's decadaria, which means to cut off. I'm going to cut off all other options. You know, I'd heard like Will Smith say, there's no reason to have plan B because it distracts from plan A. Like it's gotta be the thing. And I was like, oh my God, I gotta commit to this thing. I can't have any more feelings of like, I'm gonna go back to working for someone else. Like this is my life path. I'm either gonna succeed or I'm gonna die trying. And I was like, I don't know what to do. I was like, I'm gonna get this tattooed in my arm.

33:04So I literally have, live your life with courage, love and laughter, tattooed in my arm, my very first tattoo I ever got. But it was like, for me, people always think like, when you make a decision, the fear disappears. Like I wish that I could do these things, but it's like, it's always there, but you've got to learn that like, the fear is always gonna be there. But my bigger fear is getting to the end of my life and having not done this, having not tried to help people. You know, like being in the room with my father after he passed away when I was 15 years old and realizing, because he was the first person I ever met that passed away, I'm going to be there one day.

33:37And I saw it, I was like, oh yeah, that's, I'm gonna, he was a dreamer and he was an amazing person, but he didn't do what he wanted to do. I am not going to live that life. I'm going to create what I want to create. And now I have all of the other fears that everyone else has, but my biggest fear is getting to the end of my life and not having tried or not having at least gone for it. Yeah, I love hearing that. And you've reminded me of a great speech that Jim Carrey gave, funnily enough. And he talked about how his dad, I believe his dad, and I could be getting this wrong, but he said that his dad was an accountant and he did that to be safe.

34:14And he said that when he was young, his dad got made redundant from his safe job. Jim Carrey said that in life, you are probably going to fail at something you don't love. So you might as well try something you do love. Like this idea that I'm choosing the safe option or I'm choosing something that my parents thought my family wanted, or I'm choosing something I think is secure. Even that's unstable and uncertain. And so the uncertainty that you pursue actually is less fearful because you're on top of it. You're aware. And I think that's one of the biggest habits that I think has changed my life is that I stopped believing and accepting that I would get to a place where I no longer had to use my brain.

34:58Right? Like I think we all believe subconsciously somewhere that there's a paycheck, there's a bank balance, there's a home, there's a fashion, there's a partner. That means from that point on, I don't have to think about anything. So good. Because it's all good. And I'd say my best habit in life is recognizing that that is the biggest myth that we've been sold. And I just don't accept it. And I'm okay that my life requires constant work ethic and effort and awareness and being astute and being conscious because that is what's actually being demanded by this world. A uncertain world forces you to be conscious.

35:41but if you're unconscious in an uncertain world that's leading to a really dangerous place sure and but i think we're waiting for that moment where we can just not be conscious because it's so much hard work but to your point it's way harder work being unconscious oh yeah because the amount of unconscious issues that arise are numerous i think there's like a lot of wisdom in what you said because a lot of people would rather just be like well let me get to this destination once I'm there, everything becomes better. Hey, I want that too. I do too. Right. And I thought that for a long time. And it's interesting.

36:16The journey that I've had is, you know, I always wanted to make money because I thought money was going to give me what I needed. It would give me that safety and security that I never felt as a child. And then I got to a goal that I wanted to get to. And I realized I feel exactly the same as I've always felt. I don't feel any different. I don't feel any more secure. I don't feel any happier. I don't feel any more loved. And what I realized was I thought that the achievement, the recognition from other people, the money in my bank account, the buying cool stuff would fill what I actually thought was and consciously now know, is I thought that all of those things would fill a void that was inside of me.

36:51And what I realized is what I was searching for from the external world is actually what I was searching for for myself. And so the reason why I spend so much time in silence nowadays, I'll just go out of my porch and I'll just sit there for a couple hours is because I'm trying to fill the void that I have created through life and through patterns and through heartbreaks and through all of the things that happened in my childhood. And I'm trying to be there as the 38-year-old man for the nine-year-old boy that's still healing. And what I've realized is that none of the material things, anything externally will ever give me what I was ever searching for.

37:29Everything I've always searched for in the external was what I've been searching for for myself. And so I 100 % agree with you. I don't think there's any destination we ever get to. I think I'm constantly going to overcome more things every single day. And if I lived to 100, I would be so lucky. And it's another 62 more years. I don't expect that I'm going to get to the end of my life and be like, I figured it out. I think the beautiful thing part about it is I think that I was given this need for achievement to realize that it doesn't change anything because the path of wanting to achieve and doing it through business and doing it through growing and all that stuff has actually lit up inside of me a spiritual journey that wouldn't have been there had I not wanted to go for those things.

38:14Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This is Mario Lopez with Mario Lopez Daily Podcast. Toyota is moving toward a more sustainable future by giving you the freedom to choose from a full line of hybrids, plug-in hybrids, regular gas, and 100 % electric vehicles. Including stylish cars like the Camry and Corolla, as well as efficient and spacious SUVs like the RAV4 and Grand Highlander. All backed by Toyota's reputation for reliability.

38:54No pressure, just possibilities. Visit buyatoyota.com for a great deal on an efficient Toyota today. Toyota, let's go places. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating that Logan has studied and tested from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using, to the conversation starters that actually work, and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps.

39:32Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. Relationships do require work, and the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on, if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, absolutely.

40:04I heard this. You're reminding me of this story that's told about Benjamin Franklin. And Benjamin Franklin had 13 virtues. And these were all qualities that he aspired to develop in his life. Simplicity, authenticity, patience, things like that. And when he was on his deathbed, they asked him which one he didn't accomplish. And he said it was the 13th one. And they said, what was that? And he said, humility. And I love that because I think what you're saying is humility doesn't mean you're meek or weak. It means I'm able to accept there's always more to learn. I don't know everything and it's okay I'm going to give myself grace for it too it isn't a feeling of I'm useless because I don't know it's actually I'll become more useful if I recognize there are things that I still have to learn and when I'm listening to you about your spiritual journey and that silence I'm intrigued by that walk us through how you fill that void almost practice wise because I identify with that fully.

41:12And it's funny because we always talked about how our lives were kind of opposite. Because when I met you, I'd kind of gone down this deep spiritual path, but I had no money. And you were in the other boat where you had sustained yourself financially and created a really good, stable place for yourself, but you were seeking spiritually. And so we were kind of at, right? We had that conversation. Yeah, we did. And let's talk about that too. But I'm intrigued as to how does that couple of hours or whatever that time on your porch, like how do you do that for people? because I think we like the sound of that, but then we get distracted by the next thing.

41:42What I've come to find, and I can speak within myself and just what I've seen from other people, but what I've seen within myself is that I've learned a lot of lessons from my dad. Most of them after his death and me processing things. My father was the way that he was and he became an alcoholic because he had things in his past that he hadn't worked through. And the thing that he hadn't worked through is when he was 12 years old, my father heard a gunshot. He walked into the room and his dad had just shot himself in the mouth with a shotgun. And so my dad grew up in rural Tennessee. This is 1960s when this happened.

42:191960s when this happened, there wasn't a whole lot for him to understand. There weren't podcasts. There weren't books to read like we have nowadays. And so I always consciously knew that what was happening was that he had not healed his pain. And Gabor Mate says, don't ask why the trauma, ask why the pain. And when I first heard Gabor Mate, I was like, oh my God, someone's finally saying what I always thought with my father. And so, you know, we can look at him and say, oh yeah, he's an alcoholic and he didn't overcome his trauma. The trauma, the way it came up in my life is I became a workaholic.

42:51And so I didn't, you know, sometimes we could see someone and say, oh, they drink too much alcohol. They do too much drugs. They eat too much food. And we can say, oh yeah, that's their addiction. The problem and the hard thing in our society is that my addiction of workaholic is rewarded and people look up to it and they're like, you're doing so great. You're making so much money. All of this is so good. And what I came to find is that my workaholism was just basically me trying to not feel my feelings and to not work through and process those things. You know, like scrolling on social media could be that way for somebody.

43:27It could be Some people are addicted to working out. Some people are addicted to watching TV. And there's so many. Some people are addicted to shopping. There's so many different addictions that we have. And what I found is that the hardest thing for me was to stop and to just not have to. I was always trying to fill every single moment of my day. Always try to be so busy. When I didn't have something to do, I'd find something to do in my business. Businesses, you can always work all day, every day. And so what I've tried to do and I've built in my business is a lot of systems and processes through my VP of operations has really helped me with this a ton to be able to take a lot of stuff off my plate so that I have more time to just be.

44:07It's my personal belief that I think that God, the universe, life, whatever it is, speaks in silence. And so if I want those messages, I need to be silent. What I found for myself is when I would be silent, a lot of anxiety would come up. And I'd be like, you got to go to the next thing. You got to go to the next thing. This is stupid. You should be doing something else. And then I just realized that what I was trying to do is achieve to fill a void, but I could sit here and there's been moments where I'll sit on my porch and I'll literally just start crying. And I'm like, sometimes it's gratitude.

44:38Oh my God, I can't believe I've been given this life. I can't believe I've had these challenges. I can't believe that I've had this come up. I'm so grateful for every single aspect of it. And sometimes I just sit there and tear up and I'm like, I don't know what this is, but this is something my body's releasing and I need to be okay with this releasing process. You know, there's a really interesting thing that people could look at. There's two videos that are really interesting on YouTube. One of them is called Polar Bear Trauma where they show a video of a polar there and they shoot it with a tranquilizer gun from a helicopter.

45:08They chase it down the helicopter, really heightened experience. They shoot it with a tranquilizer gun. So it's still awake, but it's not, you know, completely out. And it starts having a convulsion, starts seizuring. And eventually after his seizures, what it's doing is it's releasing all of the cortisol, all of the adrenaline from its body so that there's no trauma that comes with it. And so then it goes after it's shaken for a while, takes a really deep breath and it just kind of calms down. Almost identical video of a impala that gets attacked by a jaguar and the jaguar gets scared off. It starts to convulse, takes a deep breath and then it moves it.

45:43And we're taught in our lives at some point in time not to remove this and to work through these traumas and these feelings. I think children naturally do it through like temper tantrums. They move it. And sometimes as adults, we either need to have like an adult temper tantrum in safety, where you just take a pillow and you can be angry. You could be mad. You could just scream. You can cuss. You can smash it against the bed, whatever it is in safety by yourself without other people around. So you don't scare them as well. And then sometimes it's also just like sitting there in silence and realizing that what is coming is going.

46:15What's it's like when you squeeze an orange, what's inside of it, orange juice, because that's what's in it, right? When you sit there and you put pressure on yourself or you give yourself space, what's coming out is actually what's inside in your body's natural intelligence is trying to let go of it. And so for me, that's what I found is that there's some moments where I'm just like, incredibly grateful. There's some moments where I'm I by doing nothing, Jay, I get so much anxiety. And I'm like, what is this? Why? And instead of running from it, I get curious. And I think if we could just get more curious, like I've been reading a whole lot of Krishnamurti recently.

46:47I love Krishnamurti. And one thing he says is, don't know yourself because knowing is based in the past and past is based off of memories. Start learning yourself, which is in the present moment. So be present and be like, what comes up? How can I be curious about this anxious feeling or these tears or whatever it is? And just be in the space to just know yourself or get to know yourself a little bit better. Yeah, it's so great. I mean, talking about that, But that goes to me back to what we were talking about at the start of it. You were saying how this idea of, well, what if the worst thing happens?

47:19What if the best thing happens? And we're talking about this idea of Jim Carrey. And you were saying that there's this experience of, well, I lost who Jim Carrey was. And what we both talked about is we are so much of what our thoughts are. And therefore, if you change the thoughts completely, you're almost a completely different human. Sure. So then who are we comes back to this know thyself versus learning of thyself. Like what has that spiritual journey taken you on to understanding identity? I mean, God, Jay, that's like as deep as it could go. That I'm just, I am just a soul that chose this life.

47:56And one of the things that I like to do is I like to think that I chose this life. And that immediately takes me from being a victim in my life. Oh, what was me? My father was this way. He did this to me. My mom did this to me. And my teachers acted this way versus me going like, I think my soul chose this life because this is whatever is needed for this path that it's on for, you know, whether it's reincarnation or whether it's heaven or hell or whatever it is that comes after this. I don't know, but I do know like right now I do have this life as Rob Dial. And as I get older, the thing I realize is that my body changes.

48:32I'm not as fast as I used to be. I'm a lot more sore than I used to be. Like my body's changing, but my soul is this thing that is just always there. And so the thing that I've come to realize is that I want to, I don't know if it's going to sound weird, like I want to unattach myself from this body, from everything around me. And I want to try to connect back to what's internally inside of me. And the one thing that I find is that that never changes. Like that, there's like a truth that's behind that. And truth is the thing that never changes. If something changes or if something can be questioned, it's not true.

49:07But there's this feeling that feels like truth inside of me, at least. And everybody has their own truth. But for me, my truth is there's something that's behind all of it. And the more that I connect to it, the more peace that I have. Like I listened to a lot of Ram Dass. and one of the things that he said, I was listening to him on the drive over here and I listen to this meditation every day is the only work that you have to do is the connection to your own heart. And so I'm always constantly thinking, what's in the way of my own heart? What material possessions, what things that I want to get are in the way of that?

49:42And the reason why I think that it helps is number one, I've had so much more peace from trying to connect to that. and my relationship with my wife has been so much better because of it because I'm not blocking her from letting her in. She's experiencing me fully. She starts to be able to open up even more in different ways. I'd be able to experience her more fully. And so for me, it's just like connecting to the thing that's behind it that feels like the only thing that's truth. Now, mind you, if Rob 15 years ago had heard this, he'd be like, what the hell is that guy talking about? It would make no sense.

50:16but on this journey, I've just, I've just kind of realized that there's something behind it all. And I want to try to connect that something behind it all and see what it is. And so for me, it's like, I, I like to use myself as a Guinea pig. Everything I teach in the mindset mentor and the podcast is all stuff that I'm trying within myself. And I, I use it as almost my own therapy sessions where I'm talking to everybody, but I'm talking to myself. I'm reminding myself of all these things. And, um, what I realized is I realized that after 15, 19 years of personal development, it's like, Like, you know, personal development's like this cup right here.

50:48And I feel like my cup in personal development was overflowing. And then I found spiritual development and I realized, oh my God, it's a lot bigger cup. And it's not even close to being full. Like it's a bucket and it needs, it's my next thing that I'm working on. So for me, it's like the mindset, the working through, like I'm constantly working on this and trying to get better. But for me, it's like, I want to connect to myself and see what else is in there. Yeah, for sure. Thank you for sharing that. I mean, you made me remember a C.S. Lewis statement that says, you don't have a soul, you are the soul and you have a body.

51:20Yeah. And I remember I used to have that written on a little post-it note and I used to look at it every day, first thing in the morning, because I was thinking about this concept of identity that the first thing 99 % of us do when we wake up first thing in the morning is we look in the mirror. Usually we say something like, oh, I look tired. Or don't like that spot. Or God, I put on weight. God, whatever it is, right? Now, all of a sudden, we're already in the bodily concept of life, this bodily consciousness. And now you live your whole day thinking about the body. What does the body need? The body needs food, et cetera.

51:58And that's natural. Like, that's not unnatural. That's normal. Like, I do that too. But then you're saying that at the same time, you've got to nurture and nourish and connect with this deeper sense, how do you balance the two in a real world where you have responsibilities, you have bills, you have things to do that are connected to the body, but then at the same time, we're like, but you're not this body. So how do you balance? How do you make sense of these two seemingly opposite pursuits? Yeah. I mean, the thing that I think I would have thought five or 10 years ago was that the more that I get into spiritual development, the less motivated I'll become or the most, the less I will want to achieve.

52:38That hasn't gone away in any sort of way. But what I have found is that I achieve through a place of, it's more like I'm not white knuckling my way through life anymore. I'm not, I can take action and not be so wrapped up in my fears and my limiting beliefs. And so it's not like I'm in the world and of the world at the same time where it's like the soul is here and I get, as I'm speaking to you, everything that I say is also something that I struggle with every single day. I have not mastered this process. There'll be times where I find myself just so in the world and I'm just like stressed. There's things happening.

53:16There's this business where there's all of this, you know, we've got employees, we're hiring people, there's stuff happening. And then I just take a step back and I'm like, it's just, it's just like kind of like a game. Like, take a second. Like that's, it's all real. That's it's, I'm not saying it's not true. It's not reality. It's not in front of you. It's all there. But behind it all, if I can connect to like a deeper sense that's within me and the soul that I feel is in there, I'm like, hey man, chill out for a second. Like it's really not that big of a deal, right? Most things, you know, there are definitely some things that are big deals in people's lives and there's deaths and there's things that people have to, you know, be in control of and be able to pay bills and all that stuff.

53:56All those are real and they're definitely necessary, but behind it all, you're still there. And there's this thing that if I can take myself back and kind of like out of my own head and kind of into my heart, which has been a big journey for me because I was, I'm so analytical and was never really taught like feelings and how to feel and process emotions. But if I can take myself out of my head and into my heart, what I've always found is that my head is always projecting itself into the future or sometimes projecting itself into the past. But But most for me, like if I sit down to meditate sometimes, it's like all of my to-do list, all of the things that I have to do, and it's projecting itself into the future.

54:33So my brain is always somewhere else. My body, it's always here. And so when I notice myself get stressed, I notice myself get anxious, I notice myself, whatever feelings I might be feeling, if I can take a couple of deep breaths and kind of get back into my body, I'm like, it's not that bad. Like you'll fit, you have overcome so many things in your life. You'll figure out a way to get through it. And so what I've found is that it's not that I don't take the action. It's not that I'm not wanting to achieve more and more things and be able to have more fun and do all of this stuff in the external world.

55:04But when I find myself kind of take a step back and kind of be in my heart, is it makes it a lot easier. I'm not like white knuckling and forcing my way through life. It's almost like I'm allowing life to happen through me. And I don't know how it works and I don't pretend to be smart enough, But things start happening around me that help me in the process of getting to wherever it is that I actually want to truly go.

55:50by giving you the freedom to choose from a full line of hybrids, plug-in hybrids, regular gas, and 100 % electric vehicles, including stylish cars like the Camry and Corolla, as well as efficient and spacious SUVs like the RAV4 and Grand Highlander, all backed by Toyota's reputation for reliability. No pressure, just possibilities. Visit buyatoyota.com for a great deal on an efficient Toyota today. Toyota, let's go places. Hey guys, it's AZFUD. You may know me as a gold medalist. You may know me as an NCAA national champion and recent most outstanding player. You may even know me as a people's princess.

56:29But now you're also going to know me as your favorite host. Every week on my new podcast, Futter Round and Find Out, I'll give you an inside look at everything happening in my crazy life as I try to balance it all. From my travels across the globe to preparing for another run at the Natty with my UConn Huskies to just trying to make it to my midterms on time, you'll get the inside scoop on everything. I'll be talking to some special guests about pop culture, basketball, and what it's like to be a professional athlete on and off the court. You'll even get to have some fun with the FUD family. So if you follow me on social media or watch me on TV, you may think you know me.

57:03But this show is the only place where you can really FUD around and find out. Listen to FUD Around and Find Out, a production of iHeart Women's Sports in partnership with Unanimous Media, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

57:19Yeah, there's this really interesting thing in Eastern traditions. There's obviously this idea of oneness and that everything's one. And then there's this idea of duality, that there's this side and then there's this side. And one teaching that I've really connected with is this idea of simultaneously one and different. And it sounds complex, but it's actually not. It's this idea that this feels real and it can be real and it is real. And at the same time, there is a greater reality. So rather than this feeling of everything's one, everything's the same, or it's disconnected, there's real and fake, it's actually this idea that a lot of things are real, but they're not the full picture.

58:02So the idea that today in LA, it's like saying the weather's rainy and cloudy, but that's not the weather everywhere. So it's my current reality, but it's not reality across the whole world. and when you start looking at life in that way of there's this reality and then there's this bigger reality i think that's that zoom out that's that let me take a breath that's that let me look at the inner world as well and i think what it does is it gives you a certain grace and it gives you a certain detachment disconnection but also a recognition of the significance of what you do and the insignificance of it right both are so needed like i believe what i do is significant.

58:43And at the same time, it's totally insignificant. We won't be remembered in a thousand years. And it's so okay. But we take it so seriously. And if you only do one or the other, like if I only see my life as extremely significant, everything's too high pressure. Oh my gosh. It would hurt me and it would cause me pain if I thought everything I did was of utmost significance. And if I thought my life was insignificant, if I thought my life was irrelevant, that would be really bad for my self-esteem i'd do anything i won't be able to function right and so i think it's really interesting because the more and more i'm learning i'm like i have to learn how to hold these two seemingly opposite things but actually they're so connected and symbiotic and they're so synchronous because they both have value going back to which thought has value the the collective thought of my life is significant and insignificant is the most helpful thought because thinking I'm significant and insignificant are both unhelpful thoughts.

59:41Oh my God. You actually just summarized perfectly what I feel like actually has been going through my head for years, which is what I do, I do believe is so important. And at the same time, I'm like, none of it matters, right? It's this weird duality that we live in, but it's so freeing because it takes so much pressure off where it just becomes like fun. Like it's, it's, how can I bring more fun into life? Like when did we lose the joy of life and the fun of life that we had as children? When was it programmed out of us? And how can I connect to that child and bring that spirit back in and be like, yeah, I'm going to do some amazing things in the world, but without it being stressful, just with it being fun and with it being something that I can do in it, and it effortlessly flows out of me.

1:00:25Like I believe that every single person is incredibly creative and we are, we are creators at the actual core of us. And a lot of us have lost it and I lost it for years. And so what I think is how can I make the creativity flow out of me in some sort of way and just allow the space for it to happen. And one of the things that happens, and it's not necessarily my, my goal of it, but when I sit in silence, I get ideas that come through and I'm like, oh man, I don't know how I didn't see this. And that's where they all are. So it's like a lot of times we're trying to force things to happen. We're trying to force creativity, trying to force ideas.

1:01:01But sometimes when I get there, I'm like, oh man, yeah, this is the thing I've been searching for. And it's just, I think every person just needs to give themselves just a little bit more space to not be on their phone, to not be constantly, you know, and I, a lot of people have children, their, their children are up. Can you wake up a little bit earlier, not be on your phone and just sit in silence and see what comes up. And, and I think that it's really important for people because what you'll notice is exactly what you're saying, which is what we do, like this life is so important, but it is very insignificant and that's okay.

1:01:32There's nothing wrong with that. Like I've, I love watching videos on YouTube about how small the earth is compared to the rest of the universe. And it stresses my wife out. She's like, I'm going to have a panic attack. Why, why do you watch this? Because I was like, I like to remind myself that even though it's all happening and I'm it, none of it actually truly matters. And that's okay. Absolutely. And I think when I'm listening to you, there's this feeling that, you know, I feel like I agree with you. I think everyone is a creator. I do believe that creativity flows when we connect with that.

1:02:03But I think sometimes we feel so distracted from it. And it's so much easier to pull out our phone. It's so much easier to put on a show in the background. It's so much easier to do all of these. It's so much easier to do all those things at the same time. Like now we're no longer ever with one person. We're with one person. We're both on our phones and we're watching a show at the same time. And we've got our laptops doing work. So you've literally got three screens in front of you, five screens in total. And there's, there's so much distraction, right? We know that. How does a person possibly, and I say this out of like compassion and empathy, because it's like, it requires so much from us because because everything around us is built for distraction, the foods we're eating, the, the things we drink and consume, the, the stuff that's created around us, it's all to distract.

1:02:52So you're fighting like almost what feels to a lot of people like a losing battle. What do you do to get, pick yourself back up? I mean, what's more, what's, what's more important than that? You know, like what's more important than connecting to your true self, to working on yourself? Like I, why do I like, why am I so hardcore in mindset? because I know how many people are so wrapped up in their mindset and their thoughts and their beliefs and their patterns that they're stuck in. And what ultimately we all want, I think, is freedom. And the way to get through to that freedom is to work on yourself, whatever that looks like for whatever stage someone is in.

1:03:28And I can have empathy for every person at every stage because I've been through so many stages of my process. And I think that it comes back to like, why are you doing it? What do you want? If you're trying to disconnect from your phone, why? You know, like for me, like I recently deleted Instagram from my phone. I did it last year for a month, felt like it was amazing. The book came out and I was like, I got to get back on. I got to promote. I got to make sure things are good. I recently just deleted it again. And now everything that I post, everything flows through my team. So it's not like it's just gone.

1:04:02It's just now I just happen to flow, everything flows through my team. Why did I do that though? Was because I don't want to live my life on that phone. And that one thing that I noticed is that Instagram was one of the things where I would pick it up and I would just somehow get to it. And I wasn't even thinking about getting to it. And I was like, my life is not this little tiny thing. My life is everything that's out here. And so why do I want to get, why did I delete it? It was because I actually want to be in everything. I want to be present with my wife. When we have children, I want to be present with our children.

1:04:38I want to be the most present version of myself as I possibly can. And I can't imagine that I'll get to the end of my life, be a hundred years old and be like, I wish I would have spent more time on Instagram. I wish I would have spent more time watching Netflix, you know, and I have, I've, I've been addicted to all of those things. I'm not, you know, above any of this stuff, but I started looking at myself and saying like, is this helping me get to where I want to be in life? Is it creating more peace in my life? For me, it was creating way more stress. who is perpetuating these feelings that I'm trying to let go of and trying to work with.

1:05:08And so for me, I think what's important to people is like, if you want to make a change, why do you want to make the change? And for me, looking at a screen is not as important as actually physically being in front of my wife and giving her what she actually truly deserves, which is 100 % of my attention. Because there's been times where I've not given her 100 % of my attention. And as we start to have kids and stuff, I don't want to be a distracted parent. I want to be with them. I'll never sit there and go, well, when my kids were kids, my kids were children. Like I wish I would have spent more time on Instagram.

1:05:40I wish I'd spent more time watching Netflix. I just think for me, like the, the, the level of the place I met in my life is I want to be as present as possible because I've worked for things. I've climbed ladders. I've gotten to different places. I've realized none of those things fulfilled me in any sort of way. And this journey I've been on in the past, you know, 10 years, seven years ago, and we started talking about the Bhagavad Gita and I started meditating a whole lot more and getting into it, I realized, oh, these things are bringing me peace. And the more peaceful I feel, the more that it becomes easy to actually achieve and create the stuff that I want to in life.

1:06:15And so for me, the presence and the peace at this point in my life, things might change. I don't know what it's going to be in five years, are actually the things that are the most important to me. Yeah, it's so interesting. I think we feel like being anxious and being kind of like busy and stuff will actually create the most effectiveness. But what you just said, this idea of if you start from a place of peace, and I think about that, I completely agree with that. If you walk into something with stillness, it gives you clarity, it gives you perspective, you can zoom out, you can zoom in. If you're buzzing around and moving around, you lose all of that.

1:06:48It's all blurry and fuzzy. And I want to ask you, what's a lesson you wish you learned earlier in life? I think it's that what you're searching for externally you're actually searching for yourself um I think that's become very apparent to me in the past few years is is I was always looking for somebody to give me love somebody to give me acceptance to achieve so that I could be accepted and what I actually truly think is what I was searching for from everyone else is what I was searching for for myself so a lot of people that are like I a lot of people I know are people pleasers. They come to me, Rob, I'm a people pleaser.

1:07:27And it's like, they'll change themselves to try to get love and acceptance from somebody else. But that's just feeling a, you know, it's like a hungry ghost. It just, the food just goes through the ghost. It doesn't go anywhere. And what we're actually searching for is what we're searching that love and acceptance for ourself. And one of the biggest things that I think I've learned in probably the past two years is I was always trying to grow and change myself because there were aspects of myself that I didn't like. And I resented. And what I've changed it to in the past couple of years is I'm going to love every aspect of myself.

1:08:06So there's some parts of Rob that are beautiful, that are amazing, that love people that want to connect. There's some great parts of Rob. There's some parts of Rob also that are very selfish, that are very judgmental, that are a little bit short, not as present as he should be. Instead of trying to change those and hate those, I've actually just tried to love them and realized that the selfish Rob that exists was some sort of thing that was a part of past conditioning that came up from needing to be selfish as a child for whatever it might have been, whatever reasons it might have been. And I can love that side of me.

1:08:44And what I realized is that if I try to change it, it gets stronger if I love it and I accept it it kind of chills out and it doesn't disappear like I'm not like yeah these parts of me don't exist it's me looking like internal family systems is a therapy where you look at all parts of you and who you are and you try to figure out a way to understand how the entire orchestra works together you know when I was when I was writing my book I was sitting there and I was I was going so hardcore like you and I come from the world of creating viral videos. I would spend so much time on every single line to make sure it was perfect, right?

1:09:24Because I wanted to make sure like, I've only got 30 seconds or a minute to get the message to be as clear and concise as possible. Let me try to make it as perfect as possible. And I used to do a lot of poetry and used to do a lot of songwriting when I was younger. So I was used to making every line as potent as I could. As I was writing this book, I was like 16 rounds of edits in, editing every single piece of it. And there was a part of me that said, it said, why are you doing this? Like, why are you doing this? And I was like, I want to write a book that helps people and changes people's lives.

1:09:50I want someone to not know what the Mindset Mentor podcast is, but they walk into Barnes and Noble, they see this book and they're like, interesting. Let me read it. Let me pick it up. And they read it and it changes their life. And then I played devil's advocate. I said, but you also want it to be successful, don't you? You also want it to be a New York Times bestseller. So you can have a little badge to put on yourself and say New York Times bestseller. You want it to be this incredibly selling thing because you know, if it takes off, you're going to make great money for a very long time if it's a perennial seller.

1:10:17And I thought to myself, okay, can I use that egoic side of me to actually help me create a better book? And I could. And so what I realized is instead of hating that aspect, it's like a tool in my tool belt. When I need to bring that side of me out, I can bring that side of me out and say, you know what? I'm going to create the best freaking book that I can, or the best podcast that I can, or the best reel that I can to try to impact people. And so it's not about like trying to force change on myself. It's about loving every aspect of myself, the quote unquote good and bad, even though there is no good or bad, but every aspect of Rob.

1:10:51And if I need to use it, I can bring it up and say, Hey, Rob, I need this version of you right now, but I'm not going to fight it anymore. Yeah. Yeah. In the monastery, we'd always talk about how the word is anartha, which means unwanted thing that seems unwanted actually needs to be engaged. Like you need to engage it in the service of doing something higher for it to be purified. Like you can't just cut it out. You can't just get rid of it. You can't just hate it to go away. You can't just shame it away. You can't just guilt it away. It has to be engaged in a higher service, i.e. impacting others, helping others, improving your own life, improving the lives of others.

1:11:29Because when it's engaged, then it becomes purified because if you just ignore it, it will just stay there. And if you try and push it away, it's going to push back and get stronger. But if you engage and go, yeah, you know what? I do have that in me, but I'm going to use that tendency to try and help this person do this. That's the only way that it starts to be purified. And so that resonates very strongly. Great answer. The other one I wanted to ask you was what's a lesson you have to learn the hard way? Yeah. I think the one that's been the most potent for a long time is you can't do it all on your own.

1:12:04For me, I don't think I was able to trust people for a very long time. You know, I went to a therapist one time and he had said, yeah, you've been, you've been neglected. And I was like, no, I haven't been neglected. Like I had food, water, shelter, clothing, all these things. He's like, no, you were emotionally neglected from your father. And, and I was like, oh my God, that really like rings true. But what happened was I had developed this feeling over my lifetime of I've got to do it alone. I can't trust anybody. No one else can do it for me. You know, like there were times when my dad would, even though he was an amazing person, I always tell people like, I'm so grateful that I had the father that I had.

1:12:41He never beat me. He never yelled at me. He never touched me inappropriately. He would just get drunk and fall asleep. And when he fell asleep, he'd forget about me in a lot of different ways, right? So there was that neglect of like, he would say, hey, I'm going to come pick you up and we're going to go fishing because I lived in Florida. And I would sit on the front porch for an hour, two hours in my fishing pole, and he would just never show up. And so there were aspects of that. And I think somewhere along the line, I developed this feeling of like, no one's going to help me. I have to do it all on my own, which there's a piece of that, which there is some truth, right?

1:13:13Like I do have to sometimes step forward and be the person to do it. But for the longest time, I never understood the phrase, no man is an island because I was like, I have done everything by myself. And then I started looking around me and I was like, no, I haven't. The universe has always been there giving me everything that I need and every person to help me in some sort of way improve and get better. And, you know, as everything's grown, the podcast has grown, my company has grown all this stuff. We have 30 people on the team. Like I can't do it on my own. I can't help people on my own the way that I wish that I could.

1:13:46If I was, I'm not 30 people. I don't have 30 days. You know, they can get done and we can get done in one day that I could get done an entire month. And so what's been big for me is trusting people to be able to help me and to be able to ask for help, whether that be in a business, but also like going to my wife and be like, hey, I'm really struggling right now. Like, can you just talk to me for a few minutes? And knowing that she doesn't think like, oh, he's not man enough, which is you know fear that i had like oh if i go to her with my problems she's going to be like he's not man enough but for her to be like yeah let me hold space for you let's talk it out and so i think the biggest thing for me is like is learning that i can't do it all on my own it's okay to it's actually strength to ask for help it's strong to ask for help and um and that i need to be better at asking for help when i do need it that's a great one that's a great one i can relate to in so many ways and and yeah it strikes a chord for sure and i think so many of us you know both of those questions think about it you know what's taken what's a lesson you learned the hard way and what's a lesson you wished you learned earlier yeah and write them down because you might forget it yeah and and you kind of fall back in that cycle often rob we uh end every on purpose episode with a final five okay these questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum oh my god okay and so i'm so wordy that's a that's a i'll do my best rob these to your final five.

1:15:12The first question is, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? I'll give you the sentence. And if you want me to explain it, I can, but everything is your fault. Yeah, you can explain it. Everything is your fault comes back to like, you are the CEO of your life. My very first mentor that I had, I paid$500 a month to have my first coach when I was 19, about to turn 20. And we worked together for two years and we had some great calls. I don't remember any of them. I remember one. And what it was, was I had made so many excuses as to why I was late to calls, why I didn't hit my assignments, why I didn't do what I needed to do.

1:15:45And he had this really tough conversation. I mean, he said, Rob, if a business succeeds, whose fault is it? And I was like, I mean, what do you mean? He's like, if a business succeeds, all 1000 employees move into the direction they have a successful year, whose fault is it? That the person who orchestrated, I was like the CEO. He said, if a business fails, whose fault is it? And I said, the CEO. He said, Rob, if you get to the end of your life and it's not what you wanted it to be, and you didn't create the life that you wanted to, make the money that you wanted to, have the success, the love, the happiness, travel to places that you wanted to, whose fault would it be?

1:16:15And I said, it'd be my fault. And he said, if you did create the life that you wanted to, you had the love, the happiness, the abundance, everything that you wanted, whose fault would that be? And I said, it'd be my fault. And he said, the problem with you is you're treating this, treating this life as if you're the victim. And what you need to realize that everything that happens to you is your fault and that your life won't change until you decide that you want to be the ceo of your life i don't know how that would have felt when you heard it at that point yeah exactly with that mindset like and i think a lot of people today would find that offensive they might get hurt by it they might what how did you transfer that energy to be like no this is actually helpful it's not hurtful yeah i mean i was a little bit hurt but there's i felt truth i felt like, yeah, he's right.

1:17:01Because when I look at the path of where my life was going to go, had I continued to blame everybody else, it wasn't going to be good. But when I looked at people who I knew who took full ownership of their life, one of my, probably my first mentor without even it being on purpose was my uncle Dan, who was an incredibly successful guy, had a bunch of success, but also is incredibly giving, always so loving. And he never blamed anybody else for when his business failed and he brought it back from nothing and rebuilt it. He never blamed anybody else. He was always there for everyone else, but he always took everything as his responsibility.

1:17:42And, you know, it's like not everything that's happened to you in your life is your fault, but whatever it is that you have, it is your responsibility to work through. Will Smith also said this, right? Where it's like, it's not my fault that my father is an alcoholic, but it's my responsibility to do with it because it's a reality that I have and I have to work through those things. And so for me, it was like, it rang really true where I was like, okay, it's right. And if my life is going to change, I have to be the person to change it. And that's when it like clicked for me. That conversation I could say is absolutely 100 % the one conversation that changed my life completely.

1:18:17Powerful. Second question, what is the worst advice you ever had or received? Fit in with everybody else. Good. Question number three, what is your most repeated thought? As of recently is I'm proud of you. I try to tell myself that every single day. My mom told me that a lot as a kid. I'm trying to repeat it to myself. I love that. That's a great one. Question number four, the number one habit that changed your life, like a daily habit, like something that you practice. meditation and breath work finding space for myself love it uh fifth and final question if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be one law that everybody in the world has to follow to take five minutes every single day to practice self-awareness.

1:19:17I think that every problem in this world could be solved if people were more self-aware. I think that all of our problems come from lack of self-awareness. And if people are more aware of our actions, you know, if politicians are more aware of their actions and how it's affecting the entire world, and if parents were aware of how their actions are affecting their children, and as a son, if I'm aware of how my actions are, affecting my mom, my sister, my wife, everybody around me. If we could take five minutes to practice being more self-aware, I think that the entire world would be better. I love that.

1:19:54Rob Dahl, everyone. The book is called Level Up, How to Get Focused, Stop Procrastinating, and Upgrade Your Life. If you don't have a copy, go and grab it already. You'll be able to see my testimony right here on the back. You're at the top on the back there. Make sure you go and grab a copy. And tag me and Rob on Instagram, on X, on TikTok. with what resonated with you, what connected with you. I love seeing, and I want Rob to see as well, what you're practicing, what you're trying to put into action in your life. And I can't wait for you to level up. Rob, thank you again. Thank you, man. For coming on and opening your heart and being so vulnerable.

1:20:27And at the same time, giving so many practical insights of how people can move from where they are to where they really want to be and even deeper. So thank you so much. I appreciate it. Well, thank you, Jay. Like I've known you for seven years now and your inspiration for like doing good in the world. And I can see that the actions that you take are from your heart and from a place of purpose. And it's inspiring for me to always see that. Thank you, man. I appreciate you. Of course. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Mate on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

1:21:03Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This is Mario Lopez with Mario Lopez Daily Podcast. Toyota is moving toward a more sustainable future by giving you the freedom to choose from a full lineup of hybrids, plug-in hybrids, regular gas and 100 % electric vehicles.

1:21:39including stylish cars like the Camry and Corolla as well as efficient and spacious SUVs like the RAV4 and Grand Highlander. All backed by Toyota's reputation for reliability. No pressure, just possibilities. Visit buyatoyota.com for a great deal on an efficient Toyota today. Toyota, let's go places. I'm Radhi Devlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. If you're out there trying to date right now, being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with, then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, is definitely for you.

1:22:20Relationships do require work. The best relationships are people who really work on them together. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.