Sara Al Madani: Stop Falling for “Potential” (Look for THIS Instead So You Don’t Waste Months on the Wrong Person)

20:58Similar thing with the universe. Whatever you think, whatever you believe, it becomes your algorithm. You attract it, just like Instagram For You page. Once you set your goal and your mind to do the inner work, the way just shows up. Once you start walking, just the way shows up.

21:13Jay Shetty:The number one thing you said in your answer that resonated really deeply was inner work started the moment you stopped pointing the finger outwards and took responsibility. I think that is the definition of the first phase of inner work is being able to say, this is where I'm responsible for my own pain. This is where I'm responsible for my own suffering. This is where I'm responsible for my own choices. and that's not saying you're taking the blame i think the word blame is bad both ways you don't want to blame anyone else but you definitely don't want to start blaming yourself and so when you can take responsibility and accountability now you can actually make progress because now you've transformed life from what you can't control to what you can control you can control what you do and what you did and how you behave and what your beliefs are and you can't control how someone treats you no matter how good you are.

22:06Jay Shetty:But you can decide how long you tolerate it and how long you accept it for. How does someone today set their standards? You have to first understand what are you okay with. And I think the biggest blessing in my life was not knowing what I wanted, was knowing what I did not want. Because that gave me so much clarity. Because when you do the healing and you do the work, it's like you're meeting yourself for the first time. So I remember I took time away from people so I can get to know myself. I used to know the old me, how she reacts, how she thinks after the healing. I'm like, okay, so what does she do now?

22:41How should she react now? So it's like a blank page and you get to meet who you are and you get to mold her to the best version or him to the best version. I feel like boundaries and how you set the tone or what's okay with you, what's not, what do you want, what's not, it all depends on you. It depends on your expectation in life. How do you value your relationship? What do you look at? What do you want the most? Like, what is your love language? So it differs from person to another. For example, I don't think love is a feeling, okay? Because like children, when they're born, they're pure. They love everything.

23:17Animals, they love everything. They don't need you to provide to be successful. They don't need you to have a label or anything. It's like love is God's language. So we're born with it. It's natural. It's like, even if I meet someone in the street, I don't need to know you to love you. I love you on a certain level, right? But for me, love in a relationship is a decision. It's a decision to stick to the person, whether things get hard or not. That's why they say in sickness and health and rich and poor, all these things, because it's a decision. If I decide to be with you, whether things are the way I want or not, I have to stick to my decision.

23:55Similar to if I've invested in a business. I cannot right now as a CEO and an investor say, I don't feel like going to work today. You can't. You don't show up, it dies. You don't show up, people vote you out. You don't show up, things don't work out. Similar to how you feed energy into a business. Marriage relationship is a business. If you don't show up every day, it's not going to work. It's like bread. You have to bake it fresh every morning. Otherwise, it's not going to work. And people feel so comfortable in relationships. They feel like, okay, once I got the kids, once I got married, I don't need to put the work.

24:27And then they complain, oh, what's the secret to a long relationship? How come your marriage is working and mine is not? It's because George, Jenna, the same amount of energy you put into your business, into your work, put it into your relationship. It's as simple as that. It's an investment. It's definitely a decision because emotions go up and down. Like, have you ever felt like, you know, you love your parents to death, right? But sometimes you feel like you just can't stand them. You just want to, mom, get away from me, mom. You know, not today, but I love her. Which means if my relationship depends on my feelings, one day I'm up, one day I'm down, it fluctuates.

25:05Emotions are unsteady. But if I made the decision, whether I'm feeling it or not, I will show up because I made that decision. So love is a decision. It's beyond an emotion.

25:25Jay Shetty:The future won't wait and neither should you. That's why American Public University offers master's programs designed for momentum. Affordable, high quality and flexible so you keep moving forward. With career-relevant programs in business, healthcare, education, IT and more, you can gain skills you can use right away and the confidence to power your next move. American Public University. Made for what's next. Learn more at apu.apus.edu. I've been seeing a lot more EVs lately. Parked in driveways, passing on the road, friends making the switch. And they all say the same thing. These cars are simpler, fewer parts, fewer repairs, fewer headaches.

26:09Jay Shetty:That's what makes EVs worth considering. Less to break, less to fix. Even if you haven't made the move yet, it's hard to ignore the shift. They're more affordable, more available, and honestly, just makes sense for everyday life. The way forward is electric. Learn more at electricforall.org

26:31Jay Shetty:Sometimes leadership isn't about putting out fires. It's about building the right team so the fires don't start in the first place. And when you're stretched in, you realize this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed, sponsored jobs helps you connect with quality candidates exactly when you need them most. Instead of struggling just to get your posts seen, you can focus on finding the right people and hiring the ones who can truly drive results. In fact, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95 % more likely to report or hire than non-sponsored jobs. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes.

27:07Jay Shetty:Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. And listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com forward slash podcast. Just go to indeed.com forward slash podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com forward slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed-sponsored jobs.

27:49Jay Shetty:I feel like people have deal breakers in dating right now. Yeah. What do you think is a healthy way of knowing what a deal breaker is? Or what is a deal breaker in dating? What should be a deal breaker in dating? A deal breaker? Okay, let me explain to you how I date first. Yes, I want to know. From the get-go, I sit down. I do not waste your time or mine out of respect for both, right? So I'll sit with the guy and I'll be very honest. I say, listen, I'm 40 next year, okay? I don't have time. I've been married twice. I'm a single mom. I want to settle down. I don't know how long I'm fertile for, okay?

28:23So I want to start a family. What do you want? And the thing is, a lot of men run away because they think I'm saying I want that with you. No, no, no. I don't want that with you. I just met you. I don't want that with you. I want that in the future, whether it's with you or with someone else. So my BS eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one, you know, and if the man runs away, then he's a boy. He's not ready for a serious relationship. Because even if he didn't want this, you can still sit and have an honest conversation about it, right? If he sits and talks about it, I'm like, okay, there's potential there.

28:56He's mature enough to hold a heavy conversation like this. I believe in honesty from the get-go. I believe in transparency. I don't believe in wasting your time or mine, three, four, five dates, dinners, and all that. Why? Why am I going through all of this? The only thing I can't take back is time. And because I have respect for the person in front of me, whether I'm interested in them or not, as a human being, I respect them. I am being honest to respect them in return as well. And if that works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But for me, deal breakers in a relationship is, for example, on a date, a guy who doesn't want to have a serious conversation, an honest conversation, that's a deal breaker.

29:35Someone who is, for me, someone who's like comfortable and not ambitious is a huge deal breaker. Someone who is in their toxic masculine, as in like, they want to show off, they want to put their voice louder, they want to treat people bad just to be more masculine, but on the toxic side. And you know, toxic masculinity, you can smell it, you know, day one. And then narcissistic people, like this is like my, I think.

30:03Jay Shetty:How do you know that though? How do you? Easy. Oh, go on. First of all, it's the eyes. All narcissists have one thing in their eyes. It's undeniable. I don't know if you've ever been with a narcissist or had a friend that's a narcissist. It's like their eyes give it away. Interesting. I'm going to give you a theory that I talk about in my book. I'm not sure if it's real or not, but somehow deep down inside of me, I'm so convinced it's true. Do you believe that we live in a simulator, right? That's an interesting take. I mean, not a simulator. This is an experience. Yes. Okay. Let's put it this way.

30:34We can name it anything.

30:36Jay Shetty:Okay. In the simulator, how does it get more interesting? How do I learn if everyone's good, if everyone's life is easy and all that? So I feel like just like when I'm playing PlayStation, you know, have you ever played like for example grand theft order of course right you've seen the npcs around there are real people but they're not real people they're just bodies to distract you to make the game more interesting for you looking into a narcissist's eyes okay it's like looking at npcs i feel like they're not human i feel like they're npcs i feel like um they're just bodies put on earth to make the experience harder so you can learn more but they're not real i don't know Like, I bet you anything, anyone listening to this, they go like, oh, my God, yes, that's so true.

31:21They're dead inside. There's no soul inside of them. There's no empathy. There's no soul. There's nothing. Even their brain scans are different. Like, it's like, I feel like they're not real. I feel like they're just here as obstacles for us to grow and learn. I mean, that's my theory.

31:36Jay Shetty:No, I love it. I love the theory about obstacles to learn. It's just that I've never heard someone say it. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's the first time for everything. Yeah, it's amazing. But also an easy giveaway is their behavior, their body language. But for me, the first thing is the eye. Sometimes even the shape of the eye. For example, if the pupil is too small, so the space between the white space is too big, it can also be like a dead eye, a narcissistic dead eye. So you're just there staring at people's eyes trying to figure them out. I don't need to stare. You know what's crazy? I smell them when they're sitting somewhere.

32:10I think I've done so much research and been through so much that I've like aced it.

32:15Jay Shetty:I can usually tell how I feel about someone's energy from the words they use and how they speak. That can give away. That's usually for me. Like as someone who I consider myself quite intuitive and I feel like when I sit with someone, I can very quickly figure out how I feel about their energy. But to me, a lot of it's based on words we use, the things we talk about, how people, you know. And so I'm using a lot more information that they're giving me. And then there's a general body. I agree with you on body language, body posture, all of that kind of stuff as well, which is... Next time, look at the eyes, Jay.

32:47Jay Shetty:I will. Now I'm going to say I've never tested that before. Today, you help people with dating. You've written a book called Dear Narcissist. You're talking to people about their relationship. You talk to people about inner work. How did you know in both your marriages it was time to leave? When it's abusive physically, mentally, emotionally. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. When you go through that and you tolerate it for a while, one day you wake up and you're like, what's going on? Like, what the hell is this? This is not okay. This is not what life is about. And then you look at the relationships around you and you're like, no, no, something is off.

33:21This became the norm. But then one day you'd wake up and say, no, this still doesn't feel normal, although it happens every day. I had to put my ego aside to understand the whole situation. Why do I say ego? Because in our culture, in our upbringing, you know how they say divorce is not the best thing, right? It's frowned upon. Even if I'm from the Middle East, even in the West, it's frowned upon. So people stick in marriages and relationships because they fear what the outside would say about them. Oh, she failed in the relationship. And, you know, sadly, women get the blame most of the time.

33:54my ego made me stay longer than I should because I was like what will the family say what will the people say and then especially in the second marriage when the same story started happening all over again I was like oh my god what do I do now I do I get divorced and people say she's done it twice my ego was not my amigo at that time and and it made me stay longer than I should did you stay longer in the first one the second first one yeah second one was nine months which is great because I already started doing some inner work. But the first one was almost dating and marriage 13 years.

34:27Jay Shetty:It's heartbreaking because I think also there's the ego part, but then it also seems like there's the part of not feeling worthy of more. Yeah. That's there too. There's the ego of what will people say, but you're basically saying I would rather accept this than people saying bad things about me. Yeah, that was also my case. It's like a people pleaser, you know? oh, I just want to be loved by everybody and chosen by everybody. I want everyone to see me in the best image ever. But that's zero authenticity. Yes, I did this because I wanted to make sure everyone is okay. And then I realized that everyone was okay except me.

35:06And this is when I was like, no, some people, they don't mind having a war internally to maintain the peace on the outside. You know, and I don't want that. I used to go home, have a war internally every day, But on the outside, I maintain the peace. Now, it's the complete opposite. I'd rather burn everything around as long as I have inner peace. But all of that, why didn't you walk away? Why did you care about what people say? Your ego, blah, blah. All of this comes to one conclusion, lack of self-love. It's as simple as that. If I loved myself, if I respected myself, I would have never been in those marriages.

35:42I would have never been in these relationships. but at the same time i'm so grateful and thankful because they were my teachers as well whoever hurt me was my master was my teacher and i have a beautiful son that came out of it if you ever tell me if i give you a magic wand and i'll take you back and you can rewrite your story i would rewrite it the same exact story all over again i would not even change one inch of it because then i wouldn't be sitting right here in front of you so i am the woman i am today because of what i went through. There's a quote that I love so much. It says, you cannot break someone who sees beauty in everything, even pain.

36:20So a lot of people think they broke you. But for me, pain is a teacher. It either makes you bitter or better. So you can't break me if I find beauty, even in the ugliest, darkest places. That's what I live by every day. And darkness is where everything starts. A baby in the womb, a seed underground. It all starts in darkness. So instead of people thinking, Oh my God, we got the best of her. No, you created the best of me. I'll take whatever you gave me and I'll create something way more beautiful for the world.

36:51Jay Shetty:What's your message to men and women who are in toxic relationships right now? My message is that I've been there and I know it's not easy to leave. I know it's not easy to understand. And I know there's a cloud on top of your head and no matter what we tell you, you're not going to listen. and sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to let them suffer so they can learn. But if I can give you any piece of advice is that remaining in that toxic relationship or remaining in that place is slowly killing you day by day. You're losing yourself. Let's say you're going to live until you're 70.

37:30We're talking about 70 winters, 70 summers, you know, 70 autumns. That's not a lot. Every single day wasted is day wasted. You are deserving of a new story. You are deserving of rewriting your story. You are the captain of the ship. You are the director of the movie. Rewrite your story. The endings, like people are always scared of ending things, you know? But endings are so beautiful because it's an opportunity to start something completely new. And I want them not to be scared of going out there and fighting for the life they deserve instead of sitting behind a window and watching their life pass by.

38:04I wish, I wish, I wish. What if I? Why? Why what if? Just go out there and do it. It will upset and piss a lot of people off when you live your life the way you want. But guess what? You're not here to please anybody. You're not here. You weren't born with a permission slip that needs a signature. You don't need this or that or him or her to approve anything. The only approval, the only signature you need is from yourself. So the thing is, a lot of people want to be free, but they don't understand that freedom is freeing the mind. And what they also don't understand that the key to that cage is in their hand.

38:38They're always waiting for others to open it for them. No, go out there, rewrite your story. I have a sister and a brother and my sister's not married. My brother just got married. And I was sitting with my mom and I said, Mom, I'm thinking of getting married again. She's like, don't you ever dare to even say that two weddings is more than enough. If your sister's not even married, you have cousins that aren't even married. Stop it. Leave the man alone.

39:01Jay Shetty:Leave the man alone. In her mind, God bless her soul. She, you know, based on culture and all that and everything, she's like, you've done it twice. You make money. Go live your life with your kid now. But I don't want to live my life the way my mom expects me to live or my society expects me to live. If I have to get married 10 times and get divorced, so be it. And I always tell my parents, when I die and somebody takes my story and wants to make it a movie, It has to be a freaking good movie. That's why I'm going to keep rewriting my story over and over again. So my advice is that to anyone that's in a toxic relationship, I dare you to go out there.

39:36I dare you to experience. I dare you to have the balls and the guts to say I'm worthy of something more than the breadcrumbs or whatever I'm getting. You deserve not to be hit. You deserve to be respected. You deserve flowers in the morning. You deserve the bare minimum that you beg for. you deserve this on a daily base. My advice is just this for them. Just go out there, you know, have the courage to live life and not just to exist.

40:01Jay Shetty:How did you find that strength when you're in that painful position? Because it's almost like when you're on the receiving end of any form of abuse, you feel like you're weakest because not only is that person beating you up, sadly, but there's also you beating yourself up for accepting that. What did you do and what have you helped others do find that courage and give themselves that permission in that moment when it feels like it's impossible? The anger when I was doing the healing, the anger towards myself was way bigger than the anger towards them. Because toxic people are consistent. You know, that's the beautiful thing about them.

40:41They're shitty and they're shitty all the time. They never change. They show you who they really are. You're the one that's agreeing to stay. So the anger towards self, because I'm in this situation, I'm agreeing to stay and all that. That is what takes a toll on your body. You asked, how did I manage to rise from all of that and everything? You know, rock bottom, rock bottom has a basement. Have you ever heard of it? People think rock bottom is the end. There's a basement down there. Every pain, every heartbreak, every agony is an opportunity for you to meet God. That's where I met God. Not in rock bottom, in the basement of rock bottom.

41:19these hardships are an opportunity for you to meet God. And when I met God and fixed my relationship with God and got closer and understood that relationship, then my self-love journey started. A lot of people, they remember God when they are in a bad situation. When they're in a good situation, they forget him, right? Or for example, if anything goes wrong, God, why are you doing this to me? No, Martha, you chose George who was toxic. He beat you up day one, you stayed. God has nothing to do with it. We tend to hang our mistakes on God and say, call it fate. And this is what happens when you don't do the inner work.

41:54You will choose bad, you'll go through bad things, and you always end up labeling them as fate. Oh God, oh fate, or that's my destiny. It's not your destiny. You wrote this destiny. You chose this. You're the author. You're the participant. You're all of that. This is how I got out of it, is when I met God in rock bottom, and I felt that deep love, although I was in a bad situation, I felt so much love. And then I realized that I have to give that love to myself before trading it and giving it to others. And the reason why I was always broken is because I gave it to others before giving it to myself.

42:28I'm an empath, but this is where empathy becomes toxic. You know, you become a toxic empath. I love using this word with a lot of my, the people that I coach and all that. I say an empath without boundaries is like a house with no doors. Imagine just an opening without a door. Would you stay in this house?

42:46Jay Shetty:No, definitely not. Would you buy this house? Would you stay for long? No. No, it's unsafe, right? So people who are full of empathy but have no boundaries are not safe. That's why nobody stays with them. That's why no matter how much they give, people leave because they can't even put it in words. People just can't stay. You know, only when you build that door, not a wall, because a lot of people build walls, but walls, they stop bad things and good things. Build a door, open it for good, close it for bad, build a door, protect yourself, protect what's in the house. If somebody enters that house, make them feel like they're safe.

43:21Show them your leadership skills and the decisions you take in life so they can trust your leading. All these things are just important.

43:29Jay Shetty:Yeah, you were saying that you coach people today. What are the most common things people come to you with? What's the thing you hear the most? either like love interest or childhood trauma the thing is i'm i'm an awakening coach so what i do is i awaken your senses your spirit your healing abilities i teach you and then i ask you to never come back to me again because if you keep coming back i'm failing yeah like this is not how it should work i think what triggered that is my therapist remember how i told you the beginning she's like come back next week come back next week and i always tell my patients don't come back next week don't come back if you come back to me that means i'm not doing something right It's just you awaken to show them their true powers because they should not depend on anybody.

44:10They are the healer. They are the teacher. They're the master. They're everything. But they just don't know that. You just need to show them their own powers. You know, we use the power of meditation, immersive experience, using sound, using vibration to show them their power. And it works most of the time. So, yeah, that's how we teach them.

44:38Jay Shetty:The future won't wait and neither should you. That's why American Public University offers master's programs designed for momentum. Affordable, high quality and flexible so you keep moving forward. With career-relevant programs in business, healthcare, education, IT and more, you can gain skills you can use right away and the confidence to power your next move. American Public University. Made for what's next. Learn more at apu.apus.edu I've been seeing a lot more EVs lately Parked in driveways, passing on the road Friends making the switch And they all say the same thing These cars are simpler, fewer parts, fewer repairs, fewer headaches That's what makes EVs worth considering Less to break, less to fix Even if you haven't made the move yet It's hard to ignore the shift They're more affordable, more available, and honestly just make sense for everyday life.

45:35Jay Shetty:The way forward is electric. Learn more at electricforall.org.

45:45Jay Shetty:Sometimes leadership isn't about putting out fires. It's about building the right team so the fires don't start in the first place. And when you're stretched in, you realize this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed, sponsored jobs helps you connect with quality candidates exactly when you need them most. Instead of struggling just to get your posts seen You can focus on finding the right people And hiring the ones who can truly drive results In fact, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed Are 95 % more likely to report or hire than non-sponsored jobs Spend less time searching And more time actually interviewing candidates Who check all your boxes Less stress, less time, more results When you need the right person to cut through the chaos This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs And listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at Indeed.com forward slash podcast.

46:37Jay Shetty:Just go to Indeed.com forward slash podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com forward slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed-sponsored jobs.

47:02Jay Shetty:you talked about meeting god in the basement yeah of rock bottom and that was the empowerment that you needed in order to get out of that space what was that journey like for you like talk to me about what it looked like to build a relationship with god that gave you that strength the relationship with god was number one to stop blaming god for everything i have a free will you know and if you have a free will, a free will doesn't come with a but. God can't say, I give you free will, but I will do this. Free will, your choice, your decision, your life, everything. However, our choices sometimes are pre-chosen for us because I cannot choose my parents, right?

47:41So I came through the parents, the parents have the trauma, they pass the trauma, they pass this, the upbringing, the teachings and all that. So I am part of a cycle. You know, it's like I enter the game, I'm already like part of the whole game. So fixing the relationship with God is understanding that I cannot blame God for everything bad that happens, but I should have gratitude for God for everything good that happens because without Him accepting and seeing how hard I'm working, I wouldn't have gotten that blessing. So understanding that God is not angry. God is not waiting to punish anybody.

48:17God is full of love. We are all his children. There's no segregation between who we are. He sees us at one. Once you remove these doubts from the image people created about God, once you remove that and you look at the divine part of who God is and how unconditional his love is, it rubs on you. You have no choice but to start loving yourself because you are a fragment of him. And if you love him, he is inside of you. Your soul is a piece of him. You have no choice but to start respecting and practicing self-love. That was my biggest lesson ever, just fixing my relationship with God. It fixed my relationship with work, with family, with everything around me.

48:58Because if you have an idea of the creator, guess what? That idea imprints on everything in life. If God punishes, how can I trust him? How can I trust her? If God is angry, Of course they're angry. Of course he's beating her up. God also punishes. So it's like understanding that I fear God. Yes, I have respect for God. If I do wrong, karma will serve me as well. Understanding the game of the universe and how life works is also important. But at the same time, I am the author of my karma. I cannot say, oh, why is this happening to me? I have to reflect on what I've done in the past that this is happening to me.

49:36I feel like out of everything in the universe that I've learned about how it works and all that, karma is the most fascinating one, you know, because there is no one sitting there just watching and pressing the button for karma. It's an algorithm. You know, you do good, you get good. You do bad, you get bad. But you know how everyone says karma is a bee, right? I don't think karma is a bee. I think karma is very intricate. She's very smart. She's very eloquent. She knows when to come. and karma does not fall the sheet of the table when it's empty. It pulls it when the table is full. Sometimes it delays the response, it takes time.

50:13But I love the system of karma that we have. And it just shows you how balanced and how fair God is. Because you're the author, you give, you get. Fixing that relationship, understanding how God works and building that love, just you have no choice but to love yourself. That's it, as simple as that.

50:32Jay Shetty:That's beautiful, I love that. I want to put you into some scenarios. These are people that I know right now dealing with dating challenges. So I'm going to ask you their scenarios. I have a friend who, she was seeing this guy, they really hit it off, sparks, chemistry, everything. They're seeing each other every day for three months. And then all of a sudden he goes cold. He doesn't want to continue to see her. And she's trying to figure out what's going on. And then a month later, he's just not interested anymore. No big breakup, no big message, no big reason, no cheating, no nothing. It's just, I'm not ready for a real relationship right now.

51:08Jay Shetty:But three months of seeing each other every day, amazing relationship, great dinners, great meals, all the rest of it. Sounds like love bombing, okay? And I'm not gonna say he's a narcissist, but narcissists do that for three months. They have to act, pretend to be a role. Sometimes three months, some of them are so good, they can do it six months. I don't know if he's a narcissist or not, but it looks like he was love bombing her. Let's remove the narcissism out of the equation. Okay, let's just talk human language now. If he ghosts you, then act like you don't see him because ghosts are things you don't see.

51:39Okay, so pretend like he doesn't exist because he just walked away after sparking your interest. I feel like it's very disrespectful when a man awakens something in a woman and suddenly decides to just disappear. Okay, to me, it's so unattractive that I wouldn't even cry about it. Like I don't cry over spilled milk. If he's gone, he's gone. You're worthy of much more. And thank God it's three months. Imagine if it happened in three years. At least you're protected, you're safe.

52:05Jay Shetty:The language you use is so interesting when you said when man or even in any situation awakens something in someone else. And I think that's the painful bit. It is. Like even the language you used, I was like, yeah, that's what's so painful for this person. They felt this like generation of energy that was so exciting to them. They weren't even saying forever. They were just excited about the next few steps with this person. But I'm pretty sure if you had a conversation with her, not now, maybe in two, three months, and you ask her, did you see any red flags from the beginning? There was red flags.

52:37But guess what? They were blurred with the chemistry. This is why chemistry is very tricky. What are the red flags we miss? For example, if you meet someone and from the get-go, they're like, oh my God, I want to marry you. You're the love of my life. It's like, bro, you don't even know my middle name. You don't even know what I like to eat. You don't even know how do I handle stress? What if I'm evil? you don't know anything about me. I feel like when people push too much, it is sexy, it is exciting, it makes you feel wanted, and it's so beautiful. If a man doesn't push and takes it easy, we feel like, what's wrong with him?

53:10Why is he pushing faster? But it's healthy to not push fast. It's healthy to take it step by step. It's healthy to take the time as a man and a woman to look into things and not rush. But this sounds very rushing. And also my advice to that girl is that you see that rush the guy gave her at the beginning? She should have that rush with herself. She shouldn't need a guy to give her that. I think she was just in love with the version of her that he brought out. And that version should exist anyways without him. But in the end of the day, if he ghost you, we can't see ghosts. So pretend like he doesn't even exist.

53:46That's it. I love that.

53:48Jay Shetty:Yeah. I mean, I've always said, I'm like, don't fall in love too fast. It's so easy to fall in love really, really fast and speed things up. And you have no idea what this person's history is and you're planning a future. You have no idea what this person did yesterday and you're already excited for tomorrow. And you get lost in this vision and imagination that you built over having a tiny bit of information with them. And yeah, you just shouldn't fall in love too fast. it's scary and crazy to do that. Another mistake we do is we romanticize potential. Tell me about that. It's like you look at a guy and you tell your friend, hey, maybe, you know, if he works harder, he'll be somebody.

54:27Maybe if he does this, he'll do that. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe you're romanticizing potential. Can you look at who's in front of you and be with the person in front of you? Because that's who you're getting. The potential is beautiful. You're looking at it. He might never reach it. It's false hope. You're feeding yourself false information. My only advice for this is look at the person and believe what they say and who they say they are. As simple as that.

54:51Jay Shetty:We have this very interesting approach where we're constantly like, oh yeah, I love everything about them apart from this one thing. I wish they'd just work on this. And there's a part of us that's well-intentioned because we're like, oh, we see this potential. We see this growth. But really what we're saying is I don't like them how they are. Let's drop the BS. Let's just say it as if no one's listening. I wish I can change them. That's the first thing you're saying. I'm walking through this relationship. I want to change them. I want to make them the way I am because that makes me happy. First of all, selfish, wrong intention, ill intention.

55:22The intention they want is to change somebody. And that's not what it should look like. It should be accepting someone. It should be loving them for who they are, accepting them for who they are. Actually, what makes relationships interesting is the differences we have between us. We should celebrate the differences, not dim each other's differences, and try to pull each other on each other's side, like come to my side. No, in relationship, both couple have to work together to be the best version of themselves. So obviously we're expecting growth. I expect you, you expect me in a relationship to grow.

55:55It's as simple as that. Even trees grow, like we have to grow. But to go in and say, oh my God, she wears a lot of short clothes, she clubs, I'm gonna change all of that. Why? Leave her for a man that loves her for who she is. If your intention is to change, Day one, wrong relationship to walk in. It's as simple as that.

56:14Jay Shetty:I completely agree. I also think that the people who end up changing people, it happens by example, not by what they say. Totally. And I've transformed my life so much by watching my wife's habits as opposed to her telling me to do those things. Because I'm so inspired by the fact that she's committed to certain habits. Like I've seen her eat healthy, workout, whatever it may be. And I've learned so much just by watching her where she's not telling me to do those things. And I always feel example is the best, most attractive thing. If someone just does the right thing without making them look like the right person, it's the most attractive thing in the world because you're like, well, you just do that because you see the value in it.

56:54Jay Shetty:You're not trying to get the value of what people think of you or how I perceive you. You're not trying to impress anyone. You do it because that's your commitment to it. And that's even more attractive because you don't see that that much anymore. This is the way children are as well. children they don't understand by what you say no matter how much you sit and scream and tell them they watch how you do and they they become yeah i think all of us humans were like that if people tell us we become stubborn and we fight back and we were a bit resistant we want to remain authentic to our personality but when you watch something and you watch how much value it brings to someone's life you slowly you know join them yeah whenever anyone asks me like how do i change my partner My honest advice is just do the thing.

57:36Jay Shetty:If you do the thing, they'll do it over time because they'll see the value if it's that valuable. Do people change? I believe people change. But at the same time, I don't believe it's my responsibility to give enough chances until somebody changes. Like it's not my job to wait on someone to change because what if they don't? You know, so there is a chance there, right? And I'm not willing to take a risk. For example, let's say I'm 39 now, I'm turning 40 next year, and I'm with this guy and he's not even sure if he wants to be in a relationship or have kids or he's like, let's take it step by step.

58:10But I might not be fertile two years from now. I could have been with someone else who's ready and had a family, right? When you are with somebody and there is like promises and all that, there is a risk. How much risk are you willing to take and for how long? It's not wrong. If I say, I'm sorry, I cannot be with you because I'm in a hurry for something else. It doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me a very honest person. And I'm saving you and myself time. So I just love genuine open conversations.

58:38Jay Shetty:I think people change a lot. I think people don't change for you and they don't change for me. Like they change when they want to change. And if someone's changing just for you, then they'll change back as quickly. I think the fear people have is, oh gosh, I'm going to get that person to change. And then they're going to change for the next person. And they're going to be so good for the next person and not for me. Okay, if I was with a guy and I've changed him and I knew there was a chance he might be better for someone else, if I love someone, I want the best for them. And if the best for them is not with me...

59:11Jay Shetty:You're very pragmatic. I mean, look, okay, your team here that works for you, aren't you training them to be the best? Yeah, for sure, for sure. One day they might leave and do a better job than what you do, right? For sure. But you don't mind that. No, I don't mind that. Because that's leadership. Yeah. Why does leadership disappear in relationships? Yeah, it's so true. I want to teach my partner. I want to make him the best that even if he ends up with someone else, as long as he's happy, I'm okay. I think that's the hardest thing in relationships because, and you're so right, the business analogy makes perfect sense.

59:43Jay Shetty:I can't remember. It's one of these old stories, but they asked the CEO, like, you know, so you're going to invest in people's training. You're going to spend all this money on them. What if they leave? And his response is, well, what if I don't train them? and they stay. And he's like, that'll be even worse. Like if they never get better and they still work at my company, it's the worst bet. And I think that's the idea that if you're not investing in your relationship, getting better, you end up staying with someone who is just that you're stuck with. Exactly. Even if they're not the right person.

1:00:11But also this idea of forever is such a scam because nothing is forever. I will die. We will die. Everyone's going to die. Nothing lasts forever. And people mistaken love with possession. Like they think if I love someone, I need to own them. They're mine. Oh, nobody can have them. That's wrong. Love should set you free. Think of it as raising a kid. If your mom was, let's say, so controlling because she wants to protect you, overprotective and all that, the kid gets sick. They want to run away every now and then. So the more you are treating emotions as possessions and people as possessions, the more they want to leave because love is freedom.

1:00:50Love is guiding them to be better, even if they don't end up with you. And it's completely fine.

1:00:55Jay Shetty:You were saying before that self-love is at the root of all of this. For someone who's listening right now and they feel they have low confidence, low self-worth, what would you encourage them to do? Self-love doesn't just disappear out of the blue. You're not born not loving yourself. It's a conditioning that happens from childhood, whether you had siblings, your parents were not fair, or they didn't show you affection or love or whatever it is. There's so many reasons for self-love to disappear. And a lot of people mistaken self-love by other things. For example, I have a friend who she's like, she travels first class.

1:01:29She buys the most expensive things. Her house is great. Cars are great. Life is expensive. And she always feels empty. And she always says the same thing. She's like, I love myself so much. I don't know why I feel empty. Because people mistaken this 3D experience, which is buying the things and the house. Great. There's nothing wrong with that. But that's not what self-love is. That's not the end goal because when you die, nothing goes with you, right? Otherwise, why doesn't the G class go to heaven or wherever we're going, right? The point is that a lot of people think that just because I go to the gym, I color my hair, I do the surgeries, I look good, I love myself.

1:02:09No, this is all external fun things to do. But self-love is saying no. Self-love is boundaries. Self-love is putting yourself first. Self-love is wearing the mask first on the airplane before putting it on others. Self-love is not explaining yourself as being authentic regardless of how people perceive you. Self-love is being honest no matter what the outcome of the truth is. There are so many things to self-love and the only way to obtain it is to go back to the day where it was stripped away from you and you were told you were not enough. Was it when you were four when your dad was screaming at you?

1:02:45Was it when you were three when your mom was upset with you? Was your uncle? Was your... It all starts from childhood. In science, they say your personality is created from the age of zero to eight. So that's where your personality is created. So whatever happens in that time, trauma-wise, all that and everything, it affects you throughout the long run. For example, me, I dropped university, okay? Because I had a business at the age of 15. So my father was like, oh no, you have to go to university. You can't do this. And I was studying film and I wasn't even studying physics. I was studying film and directing and acting.

1:03:20But at the same time, I had a business, I had staff, I had to take care of. So I had to make a decision, either this life or that life. And I dropped university, which upset my dad so much. One day, my dad was sitting down and when he found out that I dropped university, out of love, imagine, he's not even saying it out of spite because my dad's my best friend. He said, Baba, without this paper, you're not going to go anywhere in life. No one's going to accept you without this degree. No one's going to take you. It's not going to work. However, I was sitting down and I remember my reaction was like, oh no, let me show you what I'm going to do, yada, yada, yada, yada.

1:03:53But when I went home and I slept, the child in me, the subconscious mind started taking these words my dad said, and they were fermenting in my head. You know, you're not worthy. You're not worthy. My dad, my best friend said that to me. And ever since, I started making choices based on I'm not good enough. I'm not going to be good enough. No one's going to notice me. No one's going to do this. And I stayed for so many years rebelling to prove that I can do it. Although I've done it. I did it. I became successful. Yet years later, I was still proving and proving. Instead of enjoying my success, instead of enjoying life, I was still proving.

1:04:32So this is what trauma does to you. It crawls and creeps in your decisions, in the way you act and everything like that. Even your triggers, you know, if we are conscious enough to put our ego aside and look at our triggers, we realize that our triggers are our untamed shadows. That's what they are. And this is why, you know, when you do the inner work and you do shadow work, you tame your shadow. You don't kill it or get rid of it. You can't get rid of your dark side. You're a yin yang. You exist, both of you inside one. So when you tame your shadows, you don't get triggered anymore. So even the triggers, the untamed shadows come up.

1:05:08And these are all trauma responses. These are all, I don't care how kind, how loving, how good you are. We're all broken and we all need fixing and we all need some work so we can find ourselves again. And I urge everyone to look deep, no matter how good you are. I can even find, for example, if you give me figures from history that have changed the world. Let's say figures that have like, they're selfless, that have given their life to the universe and to serving humanity. I can even find trauma in that. Of course, yeah, of course, yeah. So yes, you're doing great things, but that's not the point of life.

1:05:45You know, the point of life is not just to give up everything. Do you believe that you can ever miss something that was meant for you? Yes and no, because if I miss it, it's still meant for me. So look, this is how I believe manifestation is because I'm a huge manifester. I believe that manifestation is about surrendering. Okay. What does it mean? It means if I believe that I want something and I believe and I demand it from the universe. Okay. I want it. I'm demanding it. I still have to prove to the universe I'm worthy. So I still have to put the work. So putting the work is still part of manifestation.

1:06:22Surrendering the results is also part of manifestation. So I do the work and then I surrender all my results to the universe and whatever comes my way, it's for the best. Whether I get what I want, amazing. If I don't get what I want, it's divine intervention, it's protection, it's redirection, it's not a rejection. So this is how I look at life.

1:06:40Jay Shetty:It's almost saying that if it missed you, then that was meant for you too. I want to ask you your quick reactions to these classic love cliches. I'm going to read them out and then you give me your reaction to them. Okay. So opposites attract. Yeah, no, it's not a factual thing. What's your take on it? I mean, opposite is great in a relationship. Similar is boring as well. But I've seen people who are similar who have great lives together. So I think it's all compatibility in the end. Love is blind. Love is definitely blind. In a bad way or a good way? Love is blind because our hormones drive the car.

1:07:15So if we are conscious enough to understand how everything works in the body, yeah.

1:07:20Jay Shetty:Yeah, hormones don't have eyes. No, yeah, that's the problem. What's your take on this? You'll know when you know. Yes, I believe in that. As I say, like being with a narcissist, you know when you know. How about love is all you need? I don't believe love is all I need. I need love. I am all I need. I like that. I like that. You complete me. No, I complete me. And if you complete me, that means I'm using you. What's your take on love at first sight? I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in like at first sight. You know, I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in so many emotions, but not love.

1:07:57Love takes a bit of time.

1:07:58Jay Shetty:What's your take on absence makes the heart grow fonder? I mean, it does. But if you are with the right person, you'll miss them even when they're next to you. So, but it does. It does. When you spend time away, you miss people.

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1:10:45Jay Shetty:one thing you said when i asked you about your relationships your reaction was i have a very neutral reaction to it now yeah and i was thinking about how much forgiveness is a part of inner work and inner healing even when you talk about some of this stuff it almost comes across as you have no emotion for it and not in a negative way i'm saying in a you feel very neutral I can sense that that's real for you. That's pretty remarkable because you said your first relationship was like 13 years. It's a lot of time, a lot of energy. Talk to me about what it took to forgive after going through a narcissistic, toxic relationship.

1:11:21I struggled with forgiveness a lot because I did not define it right. See, the brain is a computer and the more I break down information for it to understand, the more it acts accordingly. When I was told you need to forgive to heal, I said, how? Forgive physical abuse? How can I accept something like that? And then I understood, like after doing a lot of spiritual work, that forgiveness doesn't mean whatever you've done was okay, or I forgive you for what you've done to me and I'm fine with it. No, I'm not fine with it. I never will be fine with it. But I forgive myself for choosing to be with you.

1:11:57I forgive myself for allowing these things to happen, for staying for so long, because you showed me who you are. You know, and am I really mad at you or am I really mad at myself? So forgiveness and closures is within me. If I forgive myself, I can easily forgive somebody. The definition of forgiveness, once I redefined it, is what changed the whole game. Also, forgiveness doesn't come with, you know, an open invitation back. That's the best part because a lot of people feel like if I forgive, I have to welcome them back. No, apology accepted, access denied. If you didn't apologize, it's okay, it's fine, access still denied.

1:12:33Forgiving doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened. It means I feel nothing anymore towards it. If I'm still angry or if I hate any of my exes or anyone bad in my life, I still have feelings for them. because feelings doesn't just mean loving. If I hate, I still have feelings. I don't want feelings. Some people are not even worthy of any emotions towards them. So I'm indifferent. And the way I know I'm over something or a situation or I've healed from it is when I'm indifferent. If I go back and I'm still triggered or I feel something deep down inside, I'm like, oh, I have feelings. I got to get rid of them.

1:13:08Even if they're negative, even if they're hate, even if they're anger, which is valid at certain situations. No, I need to empty the whole system from any emotions because you're not even worthy of any feelings. What you've put me through, I'm indifferent with you. So when I look back on my life, even on the physical abuse, I'm indifferent. I feel nothing at all. I wish them nothing but the best and hopefully karma gets them. If it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad.

1:13:35Jay Shetty:Yeah, language is so powerful. What you were just saying about the mind being a computer, this idea that the way you define words helps you understand concepts and sometimes we don't understand forgiveness because we think that's about accepting their bad behavior or giving them permission to treat that way but as soon as you switch it to forgiveness is forgiving myself for tolerating that and putting myself through that all of a sudden that's what i want to do immediately then you forgive yeah immediately yeah and its language is just so powerful it is you know i I always tell people, like similar to a laptop, why when you right click on a computer, it says cut, paste.

1:14:10It doesn't say cut file to it's not long. The command is small, short words. The more the command to the computer are clear, the more you actually give commands and not wait for them only, the better your life gets. Like I don't wait for my brain to give me ideas because I know it's a processor. I'm a soul running this show as well. I'm the person observing my thoughts, observing everything. So I give my brain commands. For example, I flew in here three days. I'm jet lagged, right? So what I tell my brain is I have a name for it as well. So I say Phoenix work mode activated. And I train my brain that when I say work mode, it means even if I'm tired, even if I'm sleepy, I got to show up, I got to go there.

1:14:53And the brain listens. I want people to know that you can biohack your brain. And that's one of the things that I teach the most in my courses that I can teach you how to hack your brain, how to hack your hormones, how to stop cortisol from being released, pull it back, release endorphins. Anything is possible. This is a machine. Just like I can hack an email, a laptop, I can hack this as well. Everything is hackable. The only thing I want people to get rid of is their limiting beliefs. Because with the limiting beliefs, I cannot do anything with anybody. And a lot of people might ask you, Jay, how are you the way you are?

1:15:26How am I the way I am? How are you guys doing what you do in life? How come out of billions and billions of people? it's that we don't have that limiting belief of a nine to five or that life is about this only we have a broad open belief that's accepting open and always changing and i wish people had that because if you don't have the limiting beliefs you'll be able to do anything for sure sorry we

1:15:51Jay Shetty:end every on purpose episode with a final five these questions have to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum so sorry these are your final five uh question number one what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? You cannot break anyone that finds beauty in everything. Like if you find beauty in everything, no one can touch you or break you, even in the worst situations. Once I took that advice, gave my brain that command, everything was easy. There was beauty in everything. Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? A doctor once told me, he's like, you're a businesswoman, you do tech, you do blah, blah, you do this, you do this, you do this.

1:16:29Oh, and now you want to start singing. And I was just sitting there and I was like, and? He's like, yeah, but who are you? What are you? You're everything and anything. He's like, you're so unfocused. I just looked at him and I said, I feel sorry for you because you think you're here to just be one thing. I'm here to be everything and anything I want. I'm here on an experience. So if I want to sing, if I want to dance, if I want to act, if I want, why not? I don't want to cling to one identity. I am ever changing. I'm everything and everyone. I don't want to be just Sarah, the entrepreneur, Sarah, the public speaker.

1:17:03I want to be everything. Why black or white if there's so many colors to the rainbow? I can be so many things.

1:17:08Jay Shetty:For sure. Question number three, what's your favorite tattoo? I have a witch tattoo. And a lot of people see it. They're like, oh God, what does she do at night? Witch means woman in total control of herself. Oh, wow. That's good. Usually women's reputation, voice, decisions are always in the hand of other men. husband brother boyfriend you know dad and just being a witch being an alchemist is this a woman in total control of herself i like that that's a good one that's awesome question number four what was the biggest limiting belief that you had to let go of to live the life you have today that i can't change my mind there might be bigger things out there as limiting beliefs that could change our life but the ability to know that i can change my mind and it's not embarrassing it's not okay it doesn't make me flaky and it's okay to change your mind one day you might like something the next day you might not and it's completely okay i was taught to think that you're flaky as a person or you're indirect if if you keep changing your mind you can't be trusted but it's such a limiting belief you're allowed to change your mind and this is why a lot of people stick to things that are not good for them.

1:18:19Jay Shetty:Yeah, because that applies to career. It applies to people. It applies to everything. All right, fifth and final question. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? I would not allow people to date or get married until they do the inner work. It'd be mandatory by the government. No, I mean - So you're going to have like a 0%. Yeah. Everyone's going to be single. Funny enough, I sat down with my business partner and we were like, because of launching a dating app. Yes, tell me about it, yeah. It's called soulsearch.ai. And we sat down and I was like, if I was the king or if I was the president and I had to make laws and rules for love, what would it be?

1:19:03I've always believed dating should be traditional. Like I have to meet you, I have to feel you out and all that. But this is also a limiting belief because the world is changing, technology is rising. And if I'm not part of the change, I'm falling behind. So love is blind, but AI isn't.

1:19:19Jay Shetty:So the AI is going to help you pair? Is that what, or no, what's the goal? What's different about? So you don't get to see the people. You get to see them after 14 days. Oh, wow. If you unlock certain like levels of maturity and conversation and you play games together and there's a psychologist involved, a hypnotherapist involved on the board, a lot of big names. Even the AI, for example, let's say if me and you match, okay, and we're chatting, the AI even tells us what to talk about. Ask about the finances, ask about children, ask about this. The AI might even tell you, he's love bombing you.

1:19:52Watch out. It's too much for AI. So we've been feeding this AI so much information for a year and a half because I am so sick of wasting my time dating. And this is why I was like, soulsearch.ai is basically embracing the future and the change and AI. although I have my dark thoughts of AI and my good thoughts. But I remember I was walking in the street once after giving a speech and I was really tired and this guy stopped me. And I was like, I'm really not in the mood to talk right now. You know, but he's like, can I ask you about AI and stuff like that? And I was like, yeah, go ahead. He's like, what do you think of AI?

1:20:28I said, I think that AI is a dark consciousness that already existed and wanted us to bring it to life. And I was being very negative about it because I was like, why is it taking the roles of humans? Then he looked at me and he said, you're spiritual, no? And I said, yeah, I am spiritual. He said, weren't spiritual people, their belief is that we're born not to work, not to survive. We can plant our own food, build our own homes. We were born to thrive in communities. I said, yeah. He said, so AI came to become the slave so you can enjoy the life. And ever since he said that, everything just switched in my head.

1:20:59I'm like, oh my God, yes, I can go live that life, the spiritual life, and let AI fund it and do the work for me. And then make it my slave. Then do whatever I want. AI is beautiful. And the way we've incorporated AI in the dating app is crazy. You can't see the person, no more looking at pictures and lusting. And it's all about deep conversations. In four days, you unlock a chat room where you can speak by voice. And then more and more, there's hints and all that until you reach a day where you reveal. And based on the reveal, you can decide whether you want to be with them or be friends and all that.

1:21:32But that'd be heartbreaking though.

1:21:34Jay Shetty:What if like for 14 days, you're like, you really connect with someone, then you see them and you're like, I feel nothing. But remember the analogy of the movie when I told you you fall in love with a character halfway? I mean, then it'll be too late and it's better than to fall in love with shallow things. What makes it different is that all the other dating apps, you know, there's so many catfishing and so much bullshitting happening in there and all that. You want something actually genuine. Tell me what catfishing person is going to go and say, I'm going to go catfish someone for 14 days. No one's going to do that, you know?

1:22:08So it's basically to eliminate all that crap and just like give people some genuine connection. So although AI is not human, but it's taking us back to being human again on the app, which is like a deep connection.

1:22:19Jay Shetty:Yeah. So I'm so excited because I'm like, hope I meet my guy on it. That will be the test. That's what you have to do. I know, yeah. That's the test. You got to do it first. I got to do it first. That will be the best. Yeah. I love it. Sarah, it's been so wonderful talking to you. Thank you so much. Such a pleasure. As always, I love your insights, love your thoughts, love how raw you are, how vulnerable you are, how open you are, how much you wear your heart on your sleeve and talk about your own experiences in such a casual and endearing way. It's really, really helpful. And thank you so much for the incredible work you do.

1:22:49Jay Shetty:You make it easy. It's like your energy just makes everything flow. So thank you so much for that. You're very sweet. All the best. And I want everyone who's listening and watching, make sure you go follow Sara on social media. If you don't already, go and grab Soul Search AI because I guess it hopefully will be live. Yes, it is live already. The website live. Again, thank you so much for coming all the way. I'm so deeply grateful for your time and energy. I'm honored. It means the world. Thank you. Thank you. If you enjoyed this conversation, you'll love my episode with the world's leading relationship therapist, Esther Perel, where we talk about why your ego is ruining your relationships and how to date more effectively.

1:23:27I think we need to differentiate. Are you looking for chemistry for a love story? or are you looking for chemistry for a life story?

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1:25:38Jay Shetty:This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.