Simon Sinek: Not Every Friendship Is Meant to Last—And That’s Okay! (THIS is How to Know If It’s Time To Walk Away From Adult Friendships That No Longer Fit)

23:38And just to give you a sense of scale, right? Manhattan is 13 miles long, two miles wide. It's about 26 square miles. And the island of Manhattan, the residents are about 1.5 million. 1.5 million people live on the island of Manhattan. So if you've ever visited Manhattan or seen pictures of Manhattan, and you can get a sense of population density. Obviously, the population goes up during the day during work, but you can get a sense of the density over 26 square miles, okay? Daravi is one square mile, and there's about 750 to a million people that live there. They're not 100 % sure of the exact number.

24:11So you can just imagine the intensity and the density, which is why when disease shows up, it just runs rampant, right? Because it's just so close. And you walk around Daravi, and it's not sanitary, and there's like live electric wires hanging down. If you touch one by accident, you're a goner. And kids are just running around by themselves or with their friends because the community looks out for them. It is an amazing feeling of looking out for each other. And when you talk about belonging, because we do. We look for it. We look for things to join. And we push our kids to join things so they have these friends.

24:50And it's easier for kids because they're at school, right? So kids go to school. They're about the same age. They have the same similar stresses, the same teachers, the same homework, same, same, same, same, same, same. And so common experience is really the same stresses of adolescence and growing up. And like they have very common experience. It's very easy to connect. As soon as you leave school, still pretty easy because you're entry level with all the other entry levels, all bumbling and fumbling, trying to make a career. And then all of a sudden it starts to separate. Your friends started different ages and now you don't have common experience.

25:19And I think friendship actually gets more difficult as we get older, not less difficult. Absolutely. And that's why I want to dig into it because I couldn't agree with you more, especially for people who've moved. I remember the first time I interviewed a Brit on the podcast. Yeah. And it was different. It was this really different experience. You connected with them? So much. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, but it didn't register until I did that. Where I was like, wait a minute, why do we have so much chemistry? Yeah. And I was like, oh, wait a minute, of course, we both talk about football. Both grew up in some part of London, like had similar types of friends.

25:54It makes sense. And it makes sense, but it didn't register because I'd been interviewing Americans for so long. I'll give you a funny analogy, right? Just to drive the kids home. Because beating a dead horse, it's kind of my thing. So are you friends with everybody in California? Not everybody. You live in California. Are you friends with everybody in California? Not everybody. No, of course not, right? It's ridiculous. But if you go to Michigan and you meet somebody from California, you're like, hey, where from? And you're like connected. Okay, now you go on holiday. Let's say you're in Paris.

26:24You're standing on the Paris Metro and you hear an American accent and you're, Hey, where are you guys from? You're from Michigan. We're from California. And you're like, best friends, right? Because when you don't feel like you belong, you look for anything that gives you some sense of safety. Somebody who understands a little bit about how you grew up, a little bit of your perspective, even though it's back at home, it's entirely different. And the biggest joke is the level of trust. That family from Michigan will be like, Oh, you've got to try this restaurant. And you'll turn to your wife and be like, honey, we've got to go to this restaurant because strangers who don't live here told us it's really good.

26:56But if a stranger from Paris said you've got to go to this restaurant, you'd be like, I don't even know who you are. Why would I trust your recommendation? You know? Yeah. And it's the sense that the tourists are looking out for each other, even though they have no clue, you know? And that's how powerful this thing is, that when we get any inkling of somebody who quote-unquote gets me, our speed to which we will trust them is, or at least try to connect with them, it's so huge. So the fact that you're living in America, you know, stranger in a strange land, the first Brit, you're just like humming.

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28:47we come through, it's true magic because we came to play. Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort. And back to our episode. Do you believe there's a way to feel that way with more people if we're feeling disconnected or can it only happen when it's correlated in the way you're doing? Great question. So as we, it goes right back to what we said before, which is we, you know, the tangible stuff is just easier because I can see it, right? So it makes sense why neighborhoods look the way they do. It makes sense, right? We want to live and hang out with people who worship like us, look like us, sound like us, live like us, whatever it is, right?

29:25And that can be based on anything, but it's superficial, which means the connections aren't necessarily there. And once you're in the neighborhood, it kind of disappears anyway, right? You asked the question right at the beginning, somebody who sort of applied my work, what would their life look like? Well, this is what happens when you learn to start with why, because when you learn to stop thinking about your life in terms of what I do, what I look like, what I sound like, all of these superficial things, and you start thinking of yourself in terms of who I am, why I'm on this planet, what are my values, and more important, you learn the language of how to express those things, you will more efficiently and more quickly find people who actually view the world and live the world like you.

30:08And this is, you can do it in a personal context, you can do in a business context. And I'll give you a real life example. So when I first learned my why, I didn't know how to tell people about it. And so I stopped asking the question, what do you do? What do you do? I would tell people what I believed, right? What do you do is really easy. You know, I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer, I'm a consultant, whatever, right? You're sitting on a plane and somebody says, what do you do? And you go, oh, I'm a doctor. Unless they need a doctor, Nobody cares, right? Yeah. And so I started saying what I believed.

30:39And it took probably 100, 150 tries of me bumbling and fumbling different ways of saying it so that people weren't looking at me like I had three heads, right? And eventually, I had the perfect elevator pitch. I'd sit on a plane, and this is pre-internet. We actually talk to people. And somebody would say, what do you do? And I would say, I teach leaders and organizations how to inspire people. The people who believe what I believe would say, inspire, cool. How do you do that? We're talking about me for the next two and a half hours. We're connecting. We're becoming friends. I mean, instantaneously, right?

31:14We like really get along. The people who don't believe what I believe would say, what kind of companies? It was a filter instantaneously because I was presenting my beliefs. Yes. And those relationships, some of them, I made friends on planes. and some of my friends today, believe it or not, I met them on random flights years ago. And it's one of the reasons that we connect with some professions more than others, right? So I tend to have really good relationships with folks who serve in the military because I'm pretty open about my sense of service that I believe true purpose is the opportunity to serve those who serve others.

31:51They kind of live their lives very similarly. So the minute we show up, we're like, gotcha, you know? And so there's at least a common thing. I don't necessarily like them all. They don't necessarily like me. But there's a good foundation to make a real friendship. And so I think the opportunity to understand one's own values and beliefs and to say them often. I mean, when I blurb a book, for example, I'm really sort of strict about it. Like if somebody asked me to blurb their book, I always insist that the way they list me is it's Simon Sinek, optimist, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

32:26I list all the things I've done after I tell you who I am. Because if you cut that list off after who I am, I don't care what goes after it. And the number of people like, author, New York Times bestselling, host podcast, blah, blah, blah, which is fine, but that's not who you are. That's just stuff you do. That doesn't make anybody connect with you. They just go, oh, I know the podcast. Oh, I read the book. And our identity doesn't come from our credibility. Our identity comes from our beliefs. I remember the first time I went on television and they were like, what do you want the official lower third, the chyron, the thing to say?

33:01And I was like, I don't, I want it to say dedicated to helping billions of people find their purpose. Something like that. And I was like, that's what I want. And they were like, no, but Jay, like that is it. And I'm like, but that is who I am. And I relate, I so relate to what you're saying because I never set out to be a social media creator or to be an author or to be a podcaster. To me, these are just vehicles. They're just formats of distribution and mediums. They've got nothing to do with how I see myself. Which is one of the reasons why I can speak for you, I think, but for me for sure, which is I'm super flexible as to how I get my message out.

33:40Yes. You know, what got me here won't get me there. Yes. And I'm not, I don't define myself as a speaker or a writer or whatever. Everything I've done, I never thought I'd write a book. I never thought I'd have a podcast. I never thought I'd be a public speaker. And so for me to walk away from any of those things is super easy because it's not who I am. It's just something I did. And even if I'm good at it, it's okay. But there are other new ways. And so, you know, the idea of reinvention, I think, is sort of a misnomer, right? Because I'm not reinventing. I'm just taking a different route. I'm just sitting there with a map going, well, that road's going slower.

34:15Yeah. Why don't we try that road over here? I'm not reinventing. Yeah. The reinvention comes in the car I'm driving or the destination. And, you know, my destination is fixed. Yeah. To build a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are, and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do. There's only one destination. How I get there, wherever the best route is. And so I think that you see it a lot. When people get really good at something, they're very afraid to change it because they confuse the destination with the route. They confuse the goal with the journey.

34:52Even though everybody knows all the tropes. You know, it's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Like we all know that. And I understand because the skill set or the thing that I did is what got me to where I am. And to change or move away from that is very scary. and it's only scary if you don't have a grounding in why you do what you do because as soon as you know why it's really easy yeah because you you start to see the hierarchy that the why is more powerful and more important than whatever route you chose or chose you because it could have just been a sign of the times yeah absolutely and you don't get you don't get disappointed i was just disappointed when the platform doesn't reciprocate.

35:37So what I mean by that is, if you're wise, what you just beautifully said is to, I'm paraphrasing completely, but to help people using the skills you have, if you get rejected, you don't think it's no to what you're committed to. You just realize that's just not where it's going to be disseminated. And you can continue You need to try and find a new place for it to be distributed. Whereas when you think, oh, this is a rejection of my idea, you actually let go of the idea that you so deeply care about. So if I decide that the best way for me to advance my message is for me to join the NBA, become a professional basketball player, I will learn very quickly that that's not going to go well.

36:16Yeah. Right? And so do I go home depressed or do I say, well, maybe basketball is not the best way? Yeah, exactly. And it's an interesting rabbit hole to go down because it raises the question, and I can't remember if you and I have talked about this before, but knowing when to quit. I think we did on yours. Yeah. Yeah, that idea. Because there are some people that say, nope, you never quit. That's what grit is. And there are some people that say, nope, there's a time to walk away. And the question is, okay, but when? When do you apply grit and when do you walk away? And my rule has always been, if the sacrifice is worth it, you keep going.

36:54right? So I'm exhausted, I'm tired, but is it worth it for what I'm trying to do? Is this sacrifice, is this cost that I'm paying worth what the outcome is going to be? And if the answer is yes, you stick with it. If it's not worth it, if the sacrifice no longer feels, and that's the only standard, does it feel? There's nothing to do on a piece of paper. There's no pros and cons, right? If the sacrifice feels worth it, you keep going. The sacrifice no longer feels worth it, you walk away. That's healthy. I want to link with that back, that idea that we're discussing here back to friendship. Going to your point around not having friendship therapists, which I love, the idea that we don't go to therapy for our friends.

37:32How do you know when it's okay to outgrow someone or keep growing with them in the same way as we were literally just talking about? Right. So friends, like any relationship, needs to be additive, right? That doesn't mean every single time. But on balance, we should all feel that who we're hanging out with, who we're spending time, a non-redeemable commodity, you can spend money, you can lose money, you can make more money. But if you spend time, that's it. That's gone. And so we want to make sure that the people with whom we spend time, it's additive to our lives. You get to define what additive means.

38:08Additive can mean you fill me up, you inspire me. Additive can mean I just have a freaking rock and good time with you. Additive can mean you give good advice. You define whatever you want. But I think on balance, our friends should be additive. They should contribute something to our lives and to our well-being. And it absolutely happens for not necessarily bad reasons, where for whatever reason, you just outgrow each other. Sometimes it's just the natural ups and downs and weirdnesses of life. It's easy to be friends when you're local, your career takes you across the country or around the world.

38:46It's just harder. And those friendships sometimes fall away. Nothing personal. Sometimes we outgrow people. That absolutely happens. I had a friend who we would hang out a lot. We were friends. We would get together. We would talk about how much we hated our bosses and what we hated about work. And I would try and make changes in my life, get new jobs, take myself on, become a better leader. And we would keep getting together and his problems were always the same. And a couple of years go by and I'm realizing I'm having the same conversation with somebody who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to take themselves on and doesn't want to listen and had advice for everybody, but couldn't take it.

39:25And you realize I can't be in a friendship if I can't serve my friend. Yes, I want to get from my friends, of course, but I also want to give to my friends. There's tremendous joy in being able to hold a friend up, you know, and for a friend to deny me the opportunity to serve because they're to fill in the blank, to listen, take advice, you know, admit any kind of weakness. At some point, we just drifted apart. You know, I just stopped calling and that's okay. And you don't feel they needed to be a definitive ending conversation to... In that particular case, no. When do you need one of those?

40:04When there's a definitive ending, I think just let's make the comparison to a divorce, right? There has to be work before the definitive ending. So if you feel like the relationship is worth protecting and saving and working on, in that particular case, it seems like neither of us felt like doing the work. We had a good time. And I don't think of it as an ending. I think of a graduation, right? Like the relationship was great. And then we graduated and we both moved on, right? And that's fine. And graduated, right? I learned what I could learn. And now it's time to go. But if the relationship, if it's worth fighting for and you're doing the work and maybe it's just not working, then I think you have a hard conversation and you sit down just like a divorce or leaving a job.

40:47We're trying this and I'm struggling and I don't know if it's worth it anymore. Can we end this? That's a good distinction. I think ghosting is horrible. I'm not talking about you went out on one date with somebody and that's fine. But I'm saying you hear about whether it's romantic relationships or friendships where you've been hanging out a lot for six months, seven months, a year. And then for whatever reason, you decide you don't want to and you just stop. You ignore the texts. You unfollow on socials, which is an act of unbelievable passive aggression. And some people, you have to remember what you're doing to somebody when you do that, which is especially if they can't look on the socials and see that you're fine.

41:28there's this horrible sense that something's happened to you. Like if you got into a car accident or something, the result would be the same. And so the panic of, are you okay? It comes first. Then they may go on social and discover you're fine. They see you out at the club or whatever it is. And then you reach out and they don't reach back. Now, so you've gone through the panic of what's happened. Then you realize they're fine. You realize you're being ghosted. then the overwhelming sense of what did I do? The guilt, the no, you get no closure. You give no closure. You allow someone to stew in their own fears and insecurity and anxieties, which is debilitating and cruel because you lack the courage to say, I don't know how to say this.

42:16I'm struggling in this friendship. I don't know what to do. You know, again, that's different from friends that just naturally drift apart. And so I think you're right. I think one of the things we have to learn to do is how to have difficult conversations with our friends, even if it means, like, I think, at least give somebody a breakup. Yeah. You know, a breakup is at least, there's still pain, there's still anxiety, there's still, you know, mourning, but at least give somebody the closure to do with dignity. Well, I think your point's well taken because I love the distinction you made because if you were working on it, if you were both trying to bring some enthusiasm and energy and trying to figure it out, you're more likely to actually have a proper breakup.

42:56and have that conversation. Well, you both come to the realization I don't think this is working. Totally, and I like that a lot because it's almost like sometimes we have the same expectations for a relationship that we didn't put energy into for ones where we did. And you can't really compare the two because... Yes. And I'll add one final caveat. Is it's messy. And the reason it's messy is because human beings are messy. We're full of anxieties and ego and pride and fear. and most of us don't have the skills of confrontation and listening. We suck at it. And even if you have the skills, are you good at applying them?

43:34And even if you have the skills when you had a bad night's sleep or you're stressed or you're feeling attacked, are you able to call upon those skills? You and I do this a lot and we fail daily. All the time. You know, and it's thrown in our face. I thought you knew how to. I'm like, I do, but I'm struggling right now, clearly, because I'm hurt. Because my feelings are hurt and I'm lashing out and being defensive and interrupting you because I'm hurt. And that's not right. But it's messy. And so, you know, one of the things that you can easily accuse both of us of is sort of oversimplifying all of this stuff.

44:10and we do oversimplify it to make the case and hopefully share some lessons that we've stumbled upon over the course of our careers. But it's still hard and it's still messy. Yeah. And it's still imperfect. And that's kind of beautiful. I think that makes people beautiful. I just had this conversation with somebody today, you know, like compare that to AI, right? Let's say you have a fight with your wife. You want to get it right. Hey, ChatGPT, can you tell me what I have to say to get this right. And ChatGPT, which has been trained with all the best therapy, everything, this thing's a PhD, will give you the exact right thing to say.

44:48And you go and say to your wife, you memorize it and you say to your wife exactly what ChatGPT told you to do. And she goes, thank you. My God, thank you. And then she finds the script in your drawer and she said, did you get this from ChatGPT? Yeah. Did you memorize it yet? She's going to be angry at you Yeah. Because there's nothing heartfelt about it. It's hollow. It's not. And she would rather you bumble and fumble and do it wrong, but at least be yourself and be authentic. Can you imagine giving a 100 % ChatGPT written speech at a wedding? Yeah. Best speech ever. And then somebody says, oh my God, that speech was amazing.

45:23How'd you write it? I'm like, no, no, ChatGPT wrote it for me. You know? Yeah. And there's just the feeling of like, oh. Yeah. Right? Yeah, disappointment. I'd rather you give me a worse speech, but I know it came from the heart. And again, they're silly examples. But the point is that imperfect, human, and those two words are synonymous. Those two words mean exactly the same thing. To be human is to be imperfect. To be imperfect is to be human. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. Perfection comes off a factory line. It's the difference between a pottery barn mug and a beautiful piece of Japanese ceramic.

46:03One is handmade. It is imperfect. It is gorgeous. Versus the thing that comes off a machine. It looks the same as all the other things that come off a machine. It is perfect. It's fine. I like it. Love it. Yeah. And I think we forget that in this day and age of incredible technology that can solve all the problems for us and answer all the questions for us. It's all there. right? Like therapists should be afraid because Chachupiti can do it. But to be able to sit like this, convene, feel someone staring at you with love, to feel to cry with someone and have them cry with you. You and I have both welled up just because the other person is welling up with us.

46:52That's a good one. And to feel a person connect with you in your pain, to hug someone and not want to let go. You know the rule at Disney, the Disney rule for hugging? No. I learned this recently. It's the best thing in the world. At Disney, all of the characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, you may not let go until the kid lets go first. That's so good. Isn't that the best? You hug the kid. Oh, it makes me cry. You hug the kid, as long as the kid wants to hug you. And now do that with a friend. Hug your friend until they let go. Apply the Disney rule. I met somebody recently. She's a wonderful human being.

47:37She's got a wonderful boyfriend. They're a great couple. And they were saying, when we hug, we hug for, and I don't remember what the number was, 37 seconds, 16 seconds, whatever the number and I'm like oh that's a okay why that number they go because that's the amount of time it takes for oxytocin to release and so when we hug you know we hug for this period of time to give each other the oxytocin rush because because we love each other I'm like okay weird but okay I'll go with it you know I'm sure the science is is correct somebody somebody studied it yeah you know you know I saw her in the hallway and I was like hey how are you and she's like great and she comes in for the hug and we're hugging and I sort of stop and I can I sort of like pull back a little and like I have I have to ask you are you counting she said yes I said I appreciate it but let me show you something yeah okay I want to just show you something stop counting please don't don't count.

48:35You're human. I'm human. Our bodies already know how to do this. Stop counting, just feel. And then you let me know when the oxytocin starts flowing. So let's do this hug again. Okay. So let's hug. And we start hugging. And in a few seconds, I don't know how many, maybe it was slightly more, maybe it was slightly less. I have no idea. At some point we felt unbelievably connected. I mean, we could both feel it. And I said to her, do you feel that? She goes, yeah. I'm like, I'm feeling it too. I think the oxytocin is flowing. And I'm like, wasn't that nicer? We just allowed for it to happen when it happens as opposed to applying the science.

49:14Somebody studied it and said it. That doesn't mean you should count it. It just means it takes a little bit. That's all it means. Yeah. Hug for longer. Just hug for a little. Just hug for a little. Don't worry. Right? Yeah. And this is our metrics obsessed. It's so good. Our metrics obsessed world. Like everybody's obsessed how much deep sleep they got and how much REM they got and how many hours. It's like... But there's also all of the, I find it ironic, right? All of these data obsessed people, data obsessed about, you know? And before anybody gives me shit because I'm wearing an aura ring, I haven't charged it in two years.

49:49It's just a good belonging. Well, it was given to me. I wear it somewhat sentimentally. And I did replace it with a ring that looks just like it, but that ring broke. And I'm like, well, it looks the same. So I'm going to go back to the one with the sentimental value. No, I love that. Oh, go on. No, no. No, no, please. But I think it's ironic with people who are so data obsessed that they want to know, did I drink a glass of wine? Did it affect my REM? That the data also shows that people who obsess about the data actually suffer more stress than the people who don't. Absolutely. And yet that's the funniest data point of all.

50:20The reason why I love it so much is because you're also giving people a heightened agency and accountability of feeling the change. Just feel. Because that's what it is, right? It's like, if I tell you something's a great hike, or let's take something really everyone can relate to. If I tell you something's a great restaurant and it's got two Michelin stars, it's got 10 star rating, it's got everything, you could go there and hate the meal. None of that means anything in that sense. It's your taste because you had to feel it. And that was what made the difference. It wasn't the Michelin stars or the rating or the whatever it was.

50:59It was you feeling it. Yeah. And we've lost that ability in a world where we're counting on everyone else and everything else to tell us if we've done it for long enough, short enough, have we lifted for that long enough. You've lost the ability to actually feel like I was talking to my doctor today. I was saying, hey, I'm not sure about this whole 150 grams of protein intake. Like I'm just not feeling good. Like I just don't feel good. That's a lot. I mean, that's not even as much. You're meant to do like your body weight in protein. and I've tried everything, but it's like, I don't feel good when I do it.

51:35So either, yes, my digestion may not be strong enough. It may need to be strengthened, but at this point of my current strength, it doesn't feel right. I mean, you're right. It's ironic, right? Where we trust the watch, we trust the app, we trust the numbers more than we trust ourselves. We trust what we're being told and we're doubting our own feelings. And so the question is, is A, why are we doing that? And B, uh, shouldn't we learn how to trust our feelings more right now? Yes, it feels good when we eat the chocolate cake, but we all know that it feels pretty gross if you do it too often. Right.

52:15And so there's also data on this, which is people who stress about eating dessert, the cortisol released from the stress of eating the dessert is more harmful to your body than the dessert. Right? It's crazy. And so like, I think you're right, which is where, why we were disconnecting from our bodies to the point where we don't even trust our bodies to know what's right for our bodies. I mean, functional medicine, this is a large part of functional medicine, which is your body already knows your body knows how to heal itself. So all you have to do is protect the body. You know, like I, and I love that these things, like, what do you do?

52:49I'm doing a cleanse. So you're, you're drinking lemon juice and cayenne pepper for a week, you know, and you're doing a cleanse. Well, what are you doing? Well, I'm cleaning, I'm cleaning my body of, of toxins. I'm like, that's what your liver and kidney do. If they're working. As long as your liver and kidneys are healthy, like you're good, you know? And so your body already knows how to get bad things out of it. Your body already knows how to fight disease. your body already knows how to do these things. The only thing you have to do is look after your body and trust your gut, right? Literally and figuratively.

53:26Yeah, especially with hugging. Especially with hugging. Like even something that I love that example so much because it's like, I love the idea that a kid knows when to let go. Like that idea of like only let go when the child lets go. Isn't that beautiful? It's so beautiful. It's literally romantic, spectacular and just - The kid knows. It's so beautiful because that's actually what we want. We want someone to hold us for as long as we need to be held. And I'll take it a step further, right? So in terms of the kid knows, right? So good parenting advice is like, you know, like when it's cold outside and the parents like, put on your sweater.

54:00I don't want to. Put on your sweater. I don't want to. Put on your sweater. I don't want to. Let the kid go outside in the cold. And very quickly, the kid will either be fine or not fine. The kid knows. The kid will be like, I am cold. Put on a sweater. Yeah. Right? Take a sweat with you. Or they won't. Yeah. Right? Like there are little things that we know and that goes right back to friendship. We've all been in relationships that suck energy from us. And we feel like we have to like keep going because, I don't know, we've been friends for a bunch of years. So time is the only bond. You don't actually fill each other up anymore.

54:37You know, people grow up, you are a different person than you were five years ago. I'm a different person than I was five years ago. Hopefully better. I definitely know there's some skills that I've got. I'm definitely a better friend. I'm a better leader. I'm a better boyfriend. Like, I worked on those things, you know? And I'm better at it. You know what it's like? It's like, you know, for a lot of us, we left home when we were 18. And we kept growing up. We went to school, or we got a job, and we kept learning and growing and taking ourselves on. But our parents knew us up until we were 18.

55:06And then they missed the new growth. And then you come home, and your parents are treating you like you're 18. And you're like, I'm not. We say stupid things like, I'm not a kid anymore. But they only know you as the 18-year-old. They've missed all the growth. Yeah. And that sometimes happens where we're growing at different paces or we grow and somebody else chooses not to. And that's fine. But we know people differently. You know, it's like maybe there was a bully you had in high school who bullied you. They're not a bully anymore. I mean, they might be. But that's my memory. But that's your memory.

55:40So you see them in a bar and you come in with, like, animosity. you know versus like how are you and they're like i am sorry yeah you know yeah yeah and i think that's i just find all this friend i'll tell you one really funny one hopefully you have friends that you can call on in really dark times that something's gone wrong whatever it is problems in your marriage problems in your career whatever it is something went badly you call a friend and be like dude can i just talk to you like life is not good right now i just need i just need to talk to somebody like you know who those people are yes right you know exactly the phone numbers you're going to call what i've learned is the people when everything goes right and you want to just brag like dude i just won an award i just made a bunch of cash i just i'm a freaking hero i'm the smartest person in the room that number of people that you can call is even smaller so true and i just love the fact that there's more vulnerability in wanting to toot your own horn than and ask a friend to hold space with no judgment, no jealousy, and no envy.

56:50And that number of friends that I can call and be like, I'm a freaking rock star, and I just needed to tell somebody about how great I am and how proud I am. And that friend will gush and glow and cheer. And I remember a friend of mine called me and something amazing happened in his life. And he didn't know who he could call because he didn't want to sound like he was bragging, but to me, but he needed to get it out. And I just sat on the phone. I was like a proud parent. I was glowing. And you realize that chemical is serotonin. That when you see somebody walk across the stage at graduation and accept their diploma, like their bodies are being consumed by serotonin with the feeling of pride.

57:29That's what serotonin gives you, the feeling of pride as they're graduating, you know, that amazing feeling. But what we don't talk about is the parents and the friends and the family sitting in the audience also have serotonin pouring through their bodies and they feel the same pride for the person on the stage. Oh, wow. Right? Yeah, I love that. And so when you have a friend that you can brag to and they share in your pride, both of you are coursing, your veins are coursing with serotonin and it is a pro-social experience. In other words, it is making you even closer. Your ability to share the vulnerability of success, giving somebody else the opportunity to share in your pride, you're actually not bragging to them.

58:05That's not what's happening. You're both firing on serotonin. I felt the same pride, joy, and excitement that my friend was feeling. And when I hung up the phone, I was in such a great mood because my friend had amazing success. Yeah. I love that. That's beautiful. I mean, and that resonates. And that's earned. That's earned, yeah. Because you have to do so much in a friendship of all the good stuff and the bad stuff and the, I don't want to be here, but I'm going to sit here and the bad news and the time and the effort. You have to do so much work to nurture a friendship, to earn the mutual joy from either one's success.

58:43The fact that I can share in your success and you can share in my success, and I am feeling more confident in a great mood because you had success, that just like a parent earns the feeling of pride from their child walking across the stage because all the sacrifices of raising my kid. Not everybody who knows my kid is not pouring with serotonin. It's the ones who earned it from the years of investing in the friendship, in the relationship. And that's what you miss in all these shortcuts. That's what we miss in all of this AI stuff. You don't get to earn those feelings. And those feelings are the best feelings in the world.

59:20And all those feelings do is make you healthier. The more oxytocin and serotonin you have in your body, you're less likely to die from heart disease. You're less likely to get many cancers. You're less likely to get diabetes. In other words, friendship and the hard work of friendship and earning that oxytocin and earning that serotonin keeps you healthy. And then we go back to the chocolate cake and the exercise and the doctors, and you start to realize the healthiest thing I can do is not the diet. The healthiest place I need to apply my willpower is not on how long I'm working out, but it's how much time, effort, and energy and presence.

1:00:01I give to my friends. But first, here's a quick word from the brands that support the show. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This week on a very special episode of Health Discovered, We're taking a closer look at a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of men each year, prostate cancer. I first found out about my cancer at the age of 45. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence.

1:00:40In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection, along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health. Listen to Health Discovered on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app, search Health Discovered, and start listening. Have you ever brought your magic to Walt Disney World like, hey, we came to play? Did you tip your tiara to a Creole princess or get goofy officially? Step up like a boss and save the day? Or see what life's like under the tree of light? Did you? If you could. Would you? When we come through, it's true magic. because we came to play.

1:01:24Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort. All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in. Where this is hitting for me is that the challenge I think people are having today is... they're struggling to clap for their friends when it's not their turn. so people are struggling to feel joy for someone else's joy when they're not in a joyful state so i've had real life scenarios in my life right now which i'll share that immediately came to my mind when you were saying this which i i love that we're on this conversation is two examples one person and these are people who are really close this is not like some fake friendship really close one of them's going through a miscarriage, the other one is expecting a baby.

1:02:17And the person of the miscarriage is feeling bad because they had a miscarriage. They're feeling bad because they can't celebrate their friend's win. And they're now feeling bad that they don't even want to be around their friend because their friend's actually expecting. And now that friend's feeling guilt because they're having a baby. And they're like, well, how do we share this with that person who's just lost a baby? And it's real. Yeah. Like it's really real. And this applies to people getting married before you. The kids one is probably the most, one of the most extreme forms of it. But it's people getting married, people getting engaged before you.

1:02:51Your career doing great. Somebody else's career hitting the skids. There's so many versions of it. All of it. But the most extreme one being, or that I've heard so far is this. Yeah, that's a good one. I've just lost a child and you're having a child and we're best friends and we were going to be having children at the same time and we were going to share that together and we were going to raise our kids together. And now I don't even, you know. So what do we do when we can't share our win with our deepest friend because they're losing and they're scared to share space with us because they're threatened by your win in that context?

1:03:25Communication, right? And this is the thing. We avoid the communication because it's uncomfortable. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. You know, one person's the happiest they've ever been. The other person's the saddest they've ever been. And neither knows what to say. And both are consumed with guilt. Both are consumed, maybe there's a little bit of anger. I mean, there's all kinds of feelings and feelings are messy and they flow and, you know, and the other one's success or achievement, or in this case, pregnancy just reminds me of what I'm going through. It makes, it just makes it feel worse.

1:03:58I don't want to be reminded right now. And it's kind of like when something bad happens in someone's life, you know, sometimes we don't do anything because we don't know what to say and we don't want to say the wrong thing. And so sometimes that's the best thing to say. Hey, I don't know what to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I want you to know I love you. I can't imagine what you're going through, and it must be the worst thing in the world. I'm here when you need me. Take the space you need. It's better to say - Just say something. Say something. Say something incomplete. And when you say, don't have to worry about getting it right.

1:04:32Just say the thing you're feeling, and the feeling is, I don't know what to say. Yeah. I had a friend recently who lost somebody close to them. And I got the text that says, it happened. And I don't know what to say. And I write back, dude, that sucks. I'm sorry. That really sucks. That's all I had. I don't know what to say. And there's no rules. There's no right thing to say. And we don't know what state somebody else is in. And even the friend who had the miscarriage saying, I love you. please understand i'm just struggling i love you i just need a little bit of space i will promise i will reach out soon i love you and it just opens up a space to say i love you too i understand you know it's just a human moment and i think what we have to do is like we try and come up with the right answers what's the right thing to say when this there's no right thing to say and some people will handle it differently than others and some people will go into deep sadness and some people go into anger and some people will be avoidant and some people will bury themselves and pretend.

1:05:38I mean, there's no right. And so what I've learned is instead of trying to guess, is A, just say what I'm feeling, which is I don't know what to say. Let me express my confusion. Let me put out something and be there like, when you're ready, please, I'm here. Which is kind of like saying, I love you. and sometimes to ask. So I have a friend who called me and said, I'm struggling. I said, so do I go into solution mode? Because I know what to do. I know exactly what's going on. Or do I go into, no, I got to hold space. This is what friends do. They hold space for friends in need. And so I just said, what do you need?

1:06:22Do you need me to hold space? Or do you need to offer you some ideas. And then they said, I think right now I just need you to hold space. I'm like, okay, I will climb into the mud with you and I'll sit there for you with you. And when you're ready, you tell me, I think I'm ready to get out now. I'll be like, okay, I got some ideas. And A, you can ask for guidance if you don't know, as opposed to trying to guess. And B, if somebody gets it wrong, you can tell them. The reverse happened to me. I was in a bad, bad place. And I called somebody where I just needed them to listen. And I called her up and And I was like, I'm having a really hard week.

1:06:55And then this happened, and then this happened, and I'm feeling this, and this happened. And she went into fix-it mode. And it made me feel worse because I just need to feel heard in that moment. And it was well-intentioned, but I was getting angry. I could feel myself getting angry. I feel myself getting frustrated. And I simply said, can I just interrupt you? I know it's well-intentioned. What I need right now, I just need you to just listen. I'm not angry. please thank you so much what i need right now is please just listen that's all i need and she was like oh i'm so sorry and you can reset i'm so sorry you're please go ahead thank you very few of us are experts and even the experts bungle it all the time and i think the just trying to say how you actually feel telling people what you need in the moment you need it and asking for what you need in the moment you need it right that combination you pretty much can bumble through it all.

1:07:49It won't always be fun, but it's a good start. And you don't need any PhD skills. The most important thing about that is saying something is better than saying nothing. And the saying something part, speak your intention. That's what I feel. It's like when I'm sharing my confusion and I'm sharing my feelings and I'm scared to share them because they're messy, going back to your earlier point, being human is messy. And you're right. Sometimes I get a message like that too. And I'm like, I don't really know what to say. And not saying anything is way worse than saying, Hey, I'm really sorry. I'm here if you need me.

1:08:27Let me know. I don't know what to say. And I don't know what you need. Exactly. And tell me. If you feel up to it, please tell me. Exactly. Right. But I'm here. Just know one thing. One thing a hundred percent sure is I'm here. Exactly. You know? Yeah. And that's sometimes all people need is to feel not alone. Most, mostly. Mostly, yeah. And I think we're also afraid of triggering somebody or saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. And it's our own fears. That's our own insecurities. And it goes back to the ghosting. It's my fear of discomfort that's making it worse for somebody else.

1:08:55Yeah. You know? And it goes back to what the definition of a leader is, right? A leader is the person who accepts the awesome responsibility to see those around us rise. It's about caring for people, right? And it's a very leader-y thing to do, to just be the person who says, I don't know. Yeah. But here it is. Yeah. I remember this a while ago. There was someone that I knew that told me one of their friends came up to them and said, they said exactly how they feel, but it was different. It said, I'm envious of you. I kind of respect that. Yeah, but it was hard for that person to hear it. Yeah.

1:09:29Because they felt it created a distance, even though to me, that person was being courageous. There's a way to do it though. Yeah. I wouldn't recommend going up to somebody and be like, dude I'm really envious of you because you don't know the context you don't know where it's coming from I think context is important a good setup is important you know like I don't know what to say you know I'm afraid of saying this wrong right and I think to say I need to share something with you that's really uncomfortable for me to share and I know it's revealing of my own issues it has nothing to do with you and I know it's something I'm dealing with but I'm really envious of you and that let at least signals like it's not you it's me like i'm dealing with my own insecurities and my own feelings of inadequacy and my own feelings and and by the way that same friend you know his career just like when i was still like struggling and you know trying to make a go of it and i had no money and he was starting his career starts to take off and like we would go out for dinner and like he'd order expensive bottles of wine and I'm sitting there just stressed out because I know we're going to split the check.

1:10:38And I am like everything he's ordering and I'm just like sitting there going, and it's just making me feel worse. His success is actually making me feel bad. And affecting your back balance too. And feeling inadequate and feeling lesser than. But this is why he's a great friend. He goes, Hey, listen, let's make a deal. I'll pay for the wine and let's just split the meal i'm like i'm good thank you yeah i don't have to say a word he he knows where he is and he knows where i am yeah and but that requires humility on your part but and and it still sucked and i still hated it and i still had jealousy and i still had anger i still had all the feelings as his career is flying all it's his success is just reminding me what i haven't achieved or what i'm not achieving or you know am i ever going to achieve anything, you know, I wish I had, and he's buying big houses and things like, you know, and not that I desire big houses, but I'm watching it happen.

1:11:35And I knew it was my issue. And I knew there's a, there's a danger of me lashing out or making accusations or you're always throwing your money around in front of me. I knew all of that existed. Thank goodness. I had the self-awareness to be like, this is me. This is my issue. These are my insecurities. these are my fears this is the my ego and i i can't remember what i did i sat in a discomfort for a long time and i think at some point i just talked to him yeah and you know he's he's one of my best friends in the world and now i can look at him be like dude i'm so proud of you like you freaking nailed it and i've known him since we were 18 years old wow you know so it's like we've known each other since we were both idiots you know yeah we've known each other since we were 18 We lived across the hall from each other freshman year of college.

1:12:23Wow. And we've always been friends. We've never not been friends. So you can be friends with people you're envious of and people that are envious with you. I've never actually talked to him about it. It's really funny. I was actually just talking to him on the way up, driving up to here, which is really funny. I've never talked to him about it. I should. I don't know what his experience in that moment was, being on the other side of it. It'd be fascinating to know. But I treated it like a fight. I treated it like we have to get through this, even though he was pretty much uninvolved and the whole thing was going on in my own head.

1:12:50He was just going through life. He probably was completely, in fact, knowing what I know about him, he was completely, I guarantee you, mostly unaware. Right? I remember I just, I love him. I care about him. Nothing happened. He didn't do anything to me. He was just doing well. Yeah. I treated it like this is a tension and I have to get through this. Yeah. Because it goes right back to before. The stress is worth it. Yeah. This friendship is worth going through. Sacrifice is worth it. This stress is worth getting through for this friendship. You can't say that about all friendships, but in this case, it was.

1:13:26It was worth it. It was worth it to sit in mud by myself and maybe tell somebody else what I was going through and have them go, oh, that sucks. So I don't remember the details, but I'm pretty sure that's how I dealt with it. I probably told somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, definitely. I had a friend say to me the other day, they said, Jay, the thing I love about you is that you've stayed the same despite your success. You're taller. A friend, yeah. A friend said that. And it was just like, and I said, you know, the reason why I've been able to be the same with you is because you've stayed the same with me.

1:13:56And it was this really interesting, not that we haven't changed or grown, of course, I've learned new skills, but that they didn't think I was changing negatively. And that allowed me to continue to be who I wanted to be with them. You only get half the credit on that, right? the other half of the credit is that I guarantee you that other people in your life, other friends will give me a different answer that they will say now that Jay's all successful and, you know, no, but that's the point of what I'm saying. Like he, he's like aloof now. No, that's the point. Yeah. Yeah. So my point is that's exactly what I'm saying that maybe I didn't explain it well.

1:14:37He's saying that I'm giving him the credit back. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because I'm saying you didn't change what you viewed of in me. Right. So I never, it's, it's, he's done the work. Correct. Yeah. Because he's allowed me to continue to be me without judging me, comparing the, and you're right. You're right. It is only half the credit, for sure. You know, and you, you may have changed. Totally. And you may be more aloof, you know, and you may be more cynical and you may be more guarded. All of that's true. 100%. And some people who may experience you as different, right? All those things can be true, but I love the fact yeah I think he gets the credit for having the strength of ego to recognize that dude yeah that's my point yeah yeah yeah he gets the credit maybe it came across wrong he gets all the credit he gets all the credit that's really cool yeah it was just a really it never clicked to me because I was receiving it and I was like yeah but it can't you know maybe I have exactly what you're saying like I was like maybe I have changed not everyone would agree with that but it was the idea that was him that was that way we kind of went to the end of a relationship of like breakups, but I was thinking about another thing that I feel a lot of people are struggling with friendships that I at least hear right now are people who are wanting to kind of like where you were actually, where you're wanting to grow.

1:15:53You're wanting to pivot into a new business. You're wanting to start something. And what I've noticed is we're not scared of what people think on the internet. We're scared of what people around us think when you're starting something. Like when you're trying to begin something, you're not really scared about what some anonymous person says on the internet, that's not even on your mind. You're scared about what your friend from college is going to say about that video you made, or you're scared of what your friend from high school is going to say about the business you're about to start. You're scared of the LinkedIn update that goes out to your former colleagues.

1:16:28We're like, that's the thing you're worried about. What do we do when we feel the people around us don't believe in us, are the most cynical, the most skeptical or the most negative about our ideas. That's interesting. Even a person. For anybody who wants to accomplish anything of value in the world, and when I think of value, I think of impact, right? That's how I define it, right? If you want to operate at a scale that's bigger than yourself, and when I say bigger than yourself, it could be three people, right? Meaning I want to have an impact in three people's lives around me. I want to be the best parent in the world, right?

1:17:05My point is more than you, right? So I think we confuse when we think bigger than ourselves. We don't necessarily mean national stage. Bigger than yourself just means more than one, right? Anybody who wants to have an impact in the lives of others has to get used to the idea that not everybody's going to like you, right? You just have to get used to that idea. And for me, I have rules, which is if you don't like me because you disagree with me, I'm cool with that, right? If you don't like me because somehow I make you uncomfortable, I'm okay with that too. But if somebody I respect doesn't like me, now I've got a problem.

1:17:46Right? Because I'm not so blind and pig-headed to be like, screw the world, it's me. If you don't like it, you can eat it. My eyes are open. And if there's a friend I care about who's, Simon, okay, I got to take that seriously. because now I'm getting too big for my britches or now I'm not listening or now I'm ignoring my blind spots and now I got a problem, right? But if somebody just disagrees with me, I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't get everything right. Sometimes things come out wrong. Give me some grace, you know, but if you just disagree with me, like, what am I, like, I don't know what, I actually don't know what to do.

1:18:27It's like the gold dress, blue dress. Remember that? Yeah, I do. It's like the dress is blue. You're an idiot. it, it's gold. I'm like, what am I supposed to do? I see it as blue. I don't know what to do. That's what it is. That's the funniest idea. Right? Yeah. It's hard. Everybody wants people to like, you know, I have a lot of respect for people who like literally don't care. I don't have that. Well, it goes back to what you were saying earlier, that we're looking for people to affirm, confirm, and join. So it's like when you have that idea and everyone around you who you thought supported the same football club and had the same values, doesn't agree with you it kind of feels like there's something wrong you're kind of raising something that's quite it's quite insidious we can't help but think about like likes and views on a post that you know we get our sense of self from how many likes we get in this video got more likes i'm boy period i'm awesome this video got no likes oh my god i'm worthless uh yeah like or how many views it gets and that's sort of the macro social media version of what you're talking about, which is if people like me, I must be a good person.

1:19:33If people don't like me or aren't giving me a lot of views, I must not be a good person. And how to disconnect a like or a view or a comment from what I'm trying to do here and what I'm putting out in the world. And the problem is it's the incentive structure, right? Because if you're making money from views, if your sense of value in the world comes from those numbers, that's the insidious version of what you're saying. Yeah. And how do you get comfortable? Like some will do well. Like I can tell you, I've won the internet lottery more than once. Yeah, you have, yeah. I have won the internet lottery more than once and I have had multiple things that I put out there go very viral.

1:20:16None of them did I predict. The videos that I thought would do well, fine. Yeah. And the videos that I had no clue. Yeah. went, you know, and they went ballistic and it wasn't because the production quality and it wasn't, I didn't just didn't know something connected. You know, that's why I call it viral. I was at a dinner once and a guy, I'd like, what do you do? He's like, I made viral videos. I'm like, no, you don't. You make videos and you hope they go viral. And that's why this stuff is hard. Now you can do tricks and games. You and I both know people who use all the tricks and games to drive the views and, you know, and there are tricks and games on Amazon.

1:20:51There are tricks and games on YouTube. There are tricks and games on Instagram, right? TikTok. They all have tricks and games. But when something actually goes for legitimate reasons, it's because you connect with somebody you didn't even really realize why or how. And to make those the standards is ridiculous. It's stupid. People said to me, Simon, after I wrote Start With Why, how are you going to write a second book as popular as the first? The answer was easy. I'm not. I'm not. Didn't predict that. Didn't orchestrate it. That's like asking me, how are you going to repeat that lottery win? Totally.

1:21:22Well, I've studied the numbers I picked the first time, and I've got a formula out how I'm going to pick? No, I won the fricking lottery. What do you want from me? Like, I don't know. I'm just going to do the best job I can the second time and it won't do as well. And that's okay. You know? And I think to disconnect our value from the metric is really the lesson here. Yeah. And on that small scale, the metric - Like I'm not less valuable because my second book didn't sell as well as my first. You know? Yeah, me too. But yeah, no, that point that you're making, to me, that micro version is that I don't feel value.

1:21:56Like for example, when I put out my first video, the people closest to me, or maybe second closest to me were like, you talk too fast, the editing's bad, the music's off. And the funny thing is they were right. Like all of that was true, but it resonated with someone, right? It was like a weird, it was like this weird thing where, and I've seen that with people when they're trying something new, it's like the people around them will be the most cynical, the most skeptical. And if you use that as feedback, it could get better. Or if you use it as like, hey, you're not really an expert in that. You don't know much.

1:22:30I'm just going to get on with it. Right? That's what I'm trying to get at. It's like, how does someone deal with the discomfort of just your best friend thinks your business idea sucks? Or like your best friend thinks the person you're dating is not right for you? You're conflating a lot of stuff there. I like the best friend doesn't like the person you're dating. That's a hard one. Yeah. Very often they don't tell you until after you've broken up. Why do our friends feel like they have to wait till we break up? Because it's really uncomfortable to say, I don't like your partner. Could we do something better about that to create honesty?

1:23:00Can I have a really uncomfortable conversation with you, you know? Could we do something better to help our friends have uncomfortable conversations? You know, at the end of the day, sometimes not all our partnerships are understood by our friends too. I've definitely been in partnerships that people are just like, really? I'm like, no, no, no. You don't understand the value that this person gives to me. And this person is the exact right person I need to date for the place I'm in right now. You know, I mean, I had a girlfriend many years ago who nobody could like, they looked at us walking on the street and people just like, like, I mean, my friends, like, like what?

1:23:30Like they couldn't understand this relationship. And what they didn't understand is who I was and what I needed in that time. She was magical and we're still friends, but nobody, nobody got it. And she was socially awkward. And like, so like, if you've got friends with big personalities and, you know, we go out and she's just quiet the whole night. like my friends didn't get it and that's the other thing i've learned which is to do people not like the girl i'm dating or do they just want somebody who's the life of the party you know that's a great point yeah and if they're looking for somebody who's the life of the party that's not who i'm dating she's the rock she's not the fireworks she's stable and that's what i need no i like that i like that because i think you're right i mean introverts in general in friendships, in group settings.

1:24:17Like my family, my parents have never liked, quote unquote, any introvert I've ever dated. They love the extroverts because the extroverts are fun and the introverts are awkward. That's pretty much it. Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from our sponsors.

1:24:44Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This week on a very special episode of Health Discovered, we're taking a closer look at a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of men each year, prostate cancer. I first found out about my cancer at the age of 45. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence. In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection, along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health. Listen to Health Discovered on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app, search Health Discovered, and start listening.

1:25:26Have you ever brought your magic to Walt Disney World like, hey, we came to play? Did you tip your tiara to a Creole princess or get goofy officially? Step up like a boss and save the day? or see what life's like under the tree of light? Did you? If you could. Would you? When we come through, it's true magic. Because we came to play. Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort. Thanks for taking a moment for that. Now back to the discussion. I think everyone who's listening right now and watching, me included, is thinking of someone in my life right now that I don't enjoy being around because they're introverted.

1:26:09Yeah. And even though I can be very introvert in certain group settings. Yeah, in certain group settings. In certain group settings, I'm the biggest introvert there is. Yeah. And then in certain group settings. And I'm the awkward one sometimes where people are like, I don't get it. Same. You're dating him? He's so vivacious on stage and on camera. Yeah. At dinner, he was quiet and grumpy. How should introverts think about friendships differently to extroverts? I don't think they should think about friendships differently. I think they're all the same. the rules are the same. You know, I think we confuse introversion, extroversion, and social awkwardness.

1:26:41There are socially awkward introverts. There are socially awkward extroverts. Oh, definitely, yeah. There are socially functional introverts, and there are socially functional extroverts. I'm a socially functional introvert, right? I'm okay. You know, I'm not that awkward, though I can be. My ex would make fun of me. We'd go to a party, and like all these little groups of conversations, you know, people standing around in threes and fours with their drinks talking, one over there, one over there and I never knew how to insert myself into one of the, and I know the people like, but I never know how to insert myself.

1:27:10And so I just stand by myself with my drink in the middle of the room. And she would always make fun of me that I would just stand there by myself, just totally fine. Just taking the room in, you know, and I just feel sorry. We're sorry for everybody else. Just looking at me going, I don't even know people don't know how to talk to me. How do you walk up to a person just standing in the middle of the room by themselves? Like, I think friendships are the same. Like, of course it's, it's partially it's energy. It's what we get from people. I'm going to go right back to what we said before. Stop thinking about the introversion, the extroversion, the life of the party, death of the party.

1:27:39Does this person give you something? Are they additive to your day, to your night, to your life? Not every friendship has to be a deep, meaningful relationship, but every friendship should be additive and they should be worth the time and the energy that we invest. And one thing I look to is you don't need to keep score, but you do want to be some reciprocal investment. I've definitely had friendships where I'm the one making the plan. I'm the one doing the calling. I'm the one doing the texting. They always respond. But if I didn't call or text, I'm not sure I'd ever hear from them again for the rest of my life.

1:28:12And in those scenarios, I'm asking myself, we have fun. I'm investing. What if I didn't invest? I'm just curious. And so I've done little experiments where I just don't. And some of those friendships drift apart. They just drift apart. And you're like, huh, Okay. Got it. Not offended. And then other times the person will be like, I have not talked to you for so long. You were always so good at staying in touch with me. I'm a bad friend. I'm going to do better. I don't like not talking to you. And they pick up their game. Yeah. And again, it goes right back to where we started. If you peel the onion back one layer, most of us are bad friends.

1:28:51Yeah. And most of us are lazy, you know? And most of us would prioritize work before a friend and take our friends for granted. In this case, when one person's putting in all the energy, it's super easy to be the lazy friend on the other end. I've definitely been the lazy friend on the other end. You know, I have one friend, rock star, rock star. It's making plans, getting in touch. And so, you know. But that's that thing, right? It's like when we're looking at the question of is someone additive to my life, if they don't ask the other side of who am I. It's also what you're looking for, right?

1:29:23Like if you, as long as it's communicated, I think it's like, thank you so much for always being so good at being the one who initiates every time we get together. Cause I can tell you every time we get together, I love seeing you. Thank you for leading the way. It's, I think it's just acknowledgement. Again, this is why these things like human beings are messy. There's only a few things that are quote unquote right or wrong, but a lot of this is figuring out what each person wants. And sometimes, by the way, they want different things at different times. And that's the hardest part. If you're really busy or if you're really stressed or if you're really distracted.

1:30:01And we've all been the person or been the friend of the person who has a new romantic relationship and all of a sudden you don't exist anymore. We've all been that person and we've all been on the receiving end of that person. And then they break up and then they start calling you and be like, oh, well, now that you're not busy, now I'm your friend again, right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so like - What do you do in that situation? Do you allow it? Do you pretend to be disrespected? Are you offended? I feel like we have such, we seem to have such big reactions to such common occurrences. I think communication is like lubrication.

1:30:39The more communication there is, the easier the machine goes. And without communication, what you get is friction, right? Most fights amongst friends, I just had a fight with a friend just this week. It was based purely on first miscommunication and then total lack of follow-up. And then the tension just grew and grew and grew until one of us was like, this is ridiculous. It's usually miscommunication and then lack of communication. And so if you can communicate even badly, that will lubricate the relationship. And so what I find is that good relationships talk about the relationship. Yeah. Like you see good marriages and they're like, I love how our marriage works so well.

1:31:19And you see good friendships. You know, you're like, oh, here's what I love about our friendship. I love that I can tell you everything. I have one friend that almost every time we talk, almost every time, I will say the same thing. You know, one of the reasons I love our friendship is because dot, dot, dot, dot. And I say it, and I even say, I know I say this every time I talk to you, but it's just how I feel every time I tell you. I love that we're friends because I can dot, dot, dot. Or you make me feel dot, dot, dot. Every time. And we talk about the friendship. and I think that's healthy and so it's okay to talk about the friendship it's okay to say here's what I love here's what I you know and it's okay if we need different things in different moments and as I said before if we do the work it's not the chat GPT answer if you do the work you get to earn the serotonin you get to earn the oxytocin you get to earn the feeling of the hug because it is natural and not because you counted for it the serotonin is because it's earned and you have genuine joy And if you cannot, because you've got your own stuff going on, if you cannot be that person for the time that you know they need you, then simply say so.

1:32:26I got shit going on in my life. I can't be the person you need me to be right now. I love you. I love you. I love you. I just need to deal with my own shit. Because otherwise people will make up stories. 99 times out of 100, those stories are wrong. And then we will treat people or act based on our version of events or our story. And that's all listening is. Listening is just hearing what the other person's story is, just so I have the context for why you've been acting the way you've been acting. The story doesn't have to be right. It's just their story. Just like my story doesn't have to be right.

1:32:58It's right to me, but it's just my experience of something. Like my friend is like, you did this, and then you did this, and then you did this. And I was like, wow. And I didn't say, well, I didn't intend to. I said, wow, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Yes, I did do that. and now I want to tell you my experience of what happened at the same event. You did this and you did this and you did this. And she said, no, I didn't. And I went, I'm not telling you I'm right. I just want you to hear how I experienced what went down. So you have context for why I acted the way I acted, because now I have context for the way you acted the way you acted.

1:33:40Neither of us is right. And both of us are right. so this is about understanding not about competing and the funny thing about communication is when somebody gets it wrong or when somebody gets it right you'd be like thank you for saying that that's the that's the best thing i needed to hear and when they get it wrong you'll be like don't invalidate my story please just listen to my story sorry sorry sorry you're right you're right you're right like this is the great thing about human beings is we can actually like give people guidance about what they're getting right and wrong in the moment and it doesn't destroy the moment.

1:34:10And you can be like, you're right. I'm sorry. I'd like to reset. Please continue. We can do that. And it works. I have one friend. I mean, it's how so funny that how much guidance we're able to give people as opposed to letting them guess. I have one friend. I was upset about something or other. Who knows what? I was hurt. I was like, can I just tell you? And I did all the things I want to tell you I'm hurt. And this is the story I'm telling myself may not be true. I just want you to know what happened when you said this, it made me feel this way. And she goes, well that's not what i intended i'm like i didn't say you intended it i just want you to know how i feel and she goes well that's those are your feelings i'm not responsible for the way you feel i'm like well actually you are you know when people say like i'm not responsible for your feelings your feelings your feelings i'm like that's not true if you say something mean and it hurts my feelings yes they're my feelings and i'm responsible for my feelings but you said that that made me feel bad so yes you are involved in this chain of events i totally reject this idea it's like, I'm not responsible for your feelings, your feelings are your feelings.

1:35:08No, you called me, you called me ugly. And that hurt my feelings because it tapped into my insecurities. Yeah. When it's that black and white. Yeah. But it's, you are, you're in the chain of events. I'm not saying you did on a purpose anyway. So I'm going on and on and she's just evade, deny, push. That's your problem. Those are your feelings. I'm not responsible for your feelings. I'm living my life. You're living your life. This is going on and on. And I'm getting more frustrated. I'm getting more upset. I'm not feeling heard. And I just said, can I just give you some advice about how this is going to just, because you're getting frustrated with me.

1:35:38I'm getting frustrated with you. This is super easy, right? Just say sorry. That's all I need. Just say sorry. You said those words. Just say sorry. She goes, I'm sorry. I'm like, thank you. And then we were fine. Yeah. You can guide it. You can guide it. And so it's like, well, I'm not saying sorry. I'm like, I'm literally telling you all. And by the way, one of the best lessons in the world, saying you're sorry doesn't mean you're wrong. Correct. Right. Saying you're sorry means you take accountability for the things you said or the actions that were performed. And when people are like, well, I don't have to say sorry if I didn't intend them.

1:36:11Well, if you're walking through the airport with your wheelie bag and you run over someone's foot by accident, you turn around and they turn around and you're like, I'm so sorry. Absolutely. Right. Didn't do it on purpose, but it is your wheelie bag. Yeah. Now, if they turn around and look at you waiting for the sorry and you're like, and you look and be and a fight will ensue. You will get yelled at. That's a great example. Right? Yeah, yeah. You didn't do it on purpose. It's still your wheelie bag. Right? You didn't do it on purpose. They're still your words. They're still your actions. Doesn't mean you were wrong, but they are yours.

1:36:48And all you have to do is apologize because it did come from you. Yeah. And like I said, I reject this whole sort of like, I'm not responsible for your feelings. Your feelings are yours. I don't have to apologize. I'm like, dude, you're mean. You were mean. You are mean. Like, what do you want me to tell you? Simon, oh my gosh. It has been such a joy to talk to you. I always feel you're so refreshingly human in all your insights. Going back to your point on imperfect is human and human is imperfect. It's so refreshingly human to just talk to you about these ideas when sometimes we can end up living in a didactic three ways and two ways and say this.

1:37:32And it's true. It's all of that's helpful and it's completely unhelpful because the reality - It's useful and useless at the same time. Exactly. Yeah. Because the reality is this. I just thank you for showing up in that way because I love it. I really enjoy it because it frees you. It's freeing. It's liberating to know that if you can be messy, we all can. I think it's important for people to present themselves as they are, which is messy. Because to present yourself as perfect sets up an unfair standard for other people to live by. And usually people present themselves as perfect, usually out of absolute fear that they don't want people to know that they're actually imperfect.

1:38:10And I'll say what I said before. To be beautiful is to be human. To be messy is to be beautiful. We don't fall in love with the perfection. We fall in love with the imperfection. We fall in love when somebody lets us be imperfect, allows us to be imperfect, and allows us to love them for being imperfect. We showed up on the first date because of all the perfection. And imperfection is earned. The space to be imperfect is earned. You do not reveal all your imperfections on date one too soon, too much. That's overwhelming. And when you do the work and you take the small risks that then become big risks, I want to be my messy self with somebody who loves me for my messy self.

1:38:53And I want somebody to feel that I love them no matter how messy they are. And that is a high standard and a hard thing to find. And if you have a friend like that, you work damn hard to protect that friendship. I love it. Simon, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. So Simon Sinek, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? Let's do it to do with friendship. So the best advice I ever got professionally is three quarters of an answer is better than an answer and a half.

1:39:28And I think it actually, I actually think it applies to friendship too. Sometimes just shut up. You know, one of the best advice I got personally is you don't have to know everything and you don't have to always be right. And that's a relief. Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? Trust me, I've been doing this longer than you. That's a good one. I like that one. I try and ignore people who tell me that. Question number three, define a good friend. I believe that friendship is two or more people who agree to grow together. And so a good friend is somebody who we have decided that we're going to grow together.

1:40:06Question number four, how do you define a bad friend? A friend who's trying to extract rather than grow. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? That I would outlaw the harp. Why? It's a silly instrument. It's good for dream sequences. That's about it. No way. You're joking, right? No. Really? You genuinely don't like harps? No, I don't like harps. Wow. Are you going to listen to a harp symphony? No. I have not, but I like harps. I didn't know. It's good for dreams.

1:40:37They're in heaven though. Exactly. It's good for one thing, dream sequences. Yeah, I would outlaw harps. I love it. Simon Sinek. And okra. harps and okra yeah wow that's uh that's attacking my indian uh heritage i'm not sure i love it simon you've been a joy as ever and i hope this is the first of many appearances on on purpose i i really appreciate your views as always and i look forward to these conversations and lots more of them so thank you thanks for having a lot of fun thank you so much for listening to this conversation if you enjoyed it you'll love my chat with adam grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential.

1:41:20If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now. You set a goal today, you achieve it in six months, and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen. This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card I get 8 times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel and even access to one-of-a-kind experiences experiences like music festivals and sporting events and that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve.

1:42:15Trust me. Discover more at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA. Member FDIC. Subject to credit approval. Terms apply. This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose. If you've ever felt off balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset. Delta invited four creators to explore one idea. What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? And the results? Based on their Aura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested. And a sense of clarity stayed long after the trip. With Delta, fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel.

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1:43:49This is an iHeart Podcast.