Simone Ashley: “Self-Belief Changed My Life”

25:37Jay Shetty:And I wanted to know, what have you learned about yourself while being single that you didn't know about yourself when you were in a relationship? Being single, I think it's such an important time because you really get to know yourself when the noise stops. I think it's really important to take that time and trust it and sit in the discomfort of it. For me, I guess it became quite specific over this past eight months because my life became so work consumed. Since January, I didn't stop traveling and shooting, doing press, filming, releasing music. So it was really important for me, actually, to be single and to prioritize myself and my work.

26:25I'm someone that I'm like, I can do it all. I can have a relationship and this career and like do it all. And I probably can, but I just had to trust that.

26:34Jay Shetty:You can for sure. Yeah. Yeah, you can, you can. I know, I'm the friend that's like, if your birthday's in three months, I know what I'm going to get you, I'll organize it. And it's a joy for me, right? So I don't think it was a problem about like capacity. I just think maybe it was just about practicing stillness and kind of connecting to what we were saying about feeling left out or if you see things on social media and you feel like you're alone, I always try to go back to like, what do I believe in? And it really strengthens me and my values. And what am I believing in right now? What are my work priorities?

27:13What are my friends or whatever? It just kind of makes you a bit more confident and comfortable within the silence. But manifesting is a real thing. Like when my cup is full or my batteries are fully charged and I'm feeling healthy and happy and I'm glowing and I can only achieve that if I have had space to be on my own. And when I've reached that level, things come to me.

27:39Jay Shetty:What are you trying to manifest right now in love? Manifesting love itself, to be really simple. And I think that is, you know, someone that I can experience joy with, someone that I can be myself with, someone that I can learn something from and learn about myself from. I really want to meet someone that believes in my dreams and has dreams of their own where they're not afraid to step in and just go for it, you know. I'm going to say dreams. I'm not like, oh my gosh, like big house on like some awesome piece of land and like all these kind of things. It's much simpler than that. I think it's just finding someone that doesn't see it so complicated to do life with me, where it's just, you have an amazing connection, an amazing friendship, and just is curious and excited to give that a go.

28:37But also, Jay, I don't know. I'm also, maybe I'm at a point as well now where I'm like, I don't know. I think it's going to be a surprise to me what lands.

28:48Jay Shetty:I love that line you use because I've never heard someone say it like that. The idea of someone who doesn't find it complicated to do life with me. Like that's such a great way of putting it. Yeah. Like I think we're all looking for something that feels a little bit simpler. Not that it's easy. I think just to be clear that I don't think relationships or love or any of that is easy. But you want it to be a bit simpler. you want it to make sense because the rest of life is so chaotic and crazy and intense and full of pressure and you want to come home to something that feels a little bit lighter than that and deeper as well not not lighter in the sense of it doesn't have any gravitas or depth it's a joy to make time for my friends it's a joy to make time for my partner it's a joy to organize things and plan around my work schedule i'm the type of person when i when i wrap at work I'm so excited to go home to my partner and see them, share my day, spend time with them.

29:48Everyone's like that. When I say I'm the type of person, everyone feels that way. No, not everyone. But I think that to have that joy and excitement to make time and make memories and all of those things, it comes from a place of capacity. And I think I just really believe in myself and I believe I deserve that kind of love. I believe I deserve that kind of life. And that self-belief has led me to where I am in my career. And I think maybe I've had experiences where maybe there's a mismatch in that capacity. I think it comes from a place of self-belief. If you believe that you deserve all those things, that happiness, that joy, you will make it happen.

30:31Jay Shetty:We're manifesting it right now for you, right here on purpose. This is the moment that we're going to come back to when it all happens. And you say in this moment, you locked in, you channeled. It's an important part of all of our lives. Like it's such a real thing. And you are looking for someone who has a frequency match with you. And that frequency of generosity, that frequency of reciprocation, that frequency of the joy and the excitement that you're saying that you want to feel for someone when you go back, for someone to receive that and for someone to give that back. and that requires you to live in that at all times because then you'll know.

31:09Jay Shetty:It's like if you're already living in that, when you go to meet someone or see someone, you'll know where they stand and how they feel and whether they're meeting you there or not. And this idea of, you know, everyone's always being honest with you. And sometimes we're like, oh, they're not being honest with me because they're not telling me what's going on. And it's like, well, that's their honesty. Their truth is they're not telling you what's going on because that's who they are. And so everyone's always being honest with you. If you only saw it that way, then no one's actually being dishonest because they're showing you what they can give, who they are and where they're at right now.

31:42Jay Shetty:And that's all they can give you. It's something I still struggle with, to be honest, because it's almost like I have like a piece of cake that's just the best. I preference cake quite a lot. And I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so it's delicious it tastes so good this is the best cake ever if someone's not willing to try I find it really hard because I'm like if you did I think you'd really like it I've got to like so stupid what I'm trying to say is I think I saw struggle with understanding where someone else is at with their journey of self-belief and space within their heart has nothing to do with me.

32:25Jay Shetty:Yes. You're my friend, my brother. I've been on the phone to having conversations about this before. And that's something that I still struggle with to just not take it personally or make it about me. And I think, you know, sitting here saying this now, it makes sense and it resonates, but it's something. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location.

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35:02College is only worth it if you do it right. So don't just help your kid go. Help them go smarter. sally.com slash go parents. like a muscle I need to exercise for sure what do you think is the difference between like

35:16Jay Shetty:a failure at work because that we can take personally but it seems like you don't and then you've got a failure or rejection in relationships and we take we take that much more personally all of us I think yeah and so talk to me about the difference for you in both of those like if you have a door shut on you at work or an audition doesn't go well I feel like being an actor all I ever hear from all my actor friends is just like god I thought I was gonna get this project and then it didn't work out. But talk to me about the difference between failing at work and failing in life or love almost. And of course it's not failure, but at least that's how it feels.

35:48Jay Shetty:Rejection. Yeah, rejection, yeah. Disappointment. Yeah. Since I was a kid, it was written. I would never, I've not once said, if it doesn't work out, I've never, oh, I've said it now, but like as an example, but I never, that thought, I wouldn't even let it enter my mind. It was written that all my dreams within my career we're gonna have opportunity to come true that's so powerful i love that it came from self-belief i just wanted it so much and i knew that i was capable that was very internal so anytime i got rejected or someone didn't believe in me professionally it just it touched the surface it didn't um erupt my internal belief at all sometimes i'd just be like well they're they're dumb to not see like what I'm capable of and like I got rejected so many times from like agencies or casting directors or whatever directors when I was in my early 20s but I never worried about it because I was just like well I know that the right people are going to see my vision and it did happen and it's you know in no way have I achieved everything that I've wanted to I've got a long way to go.

36:59And it makes me feel badass and confident. And so it's something that no one can take away from me. It's something that I probably should practice applying to my personal life. But the difference is the whole thing I was saying about it just touches the surface, rejection or disappointment professionally. When it's your personal life, friends or a partner that you love, you are giving them your internal belief. I'm sharing my belief with them. If someone doesn't understands that, rejects it. For me, it's very emotional. I find it hard to just be like, oh, it didn't really affect me or I just touched the surface because it's something that I don't give very often.

37:41And when I do, my self-belief changed my life and it colored my world. So when I give it to someone else and they don't want it or they're scared of it or it's too much for them or whatever it might be, which is totally fine. I find it really hard to not let it shatter my world. And that's okay. I used to see personal Simone and professional Simone as two different people. You've said this before, like you've got your avatar and whatever. And actually, maybe something that I should try is just seeing it as one person, like that confident, badass unstoppable kind of attitude I can have maybe I should just apply it more in relationships but relationships really soften me if I love someone I want them to be part of that self-belief

38:31Jay Shetty:I loved what you said that relationships soften you love softens you I think that's why we want it it's because you don't have to be this badass focused you don't have to be that way in love you can use some of those skills and tools but really what we want to do is just rest and be embraced and be held and hold back and be at peace. I was telling you this last night, I was talking to a client the other day and I was like, do you believe you'll be a billionaire? And they were like, yes. And this is a female client. I was like, do you believe you'll be a billionaire? And she goes, yes. And I go, do you believe that there is the biggest, boldest, most beautiful love out there for you?

39:05Jay Shetty:She was like, I'm not sure. I love what you said that. I think love, we all want it to be soft, but it's the belief needs to be as strong in it existing and it being possible as we do in our career goals or our dreams or whatever it may be. It's like, can I hold the same belief for my love life, even though my love life will look very different? Because it will be softer. It will be peaceful. It will be less driven. You don't want your love life to be like work. No, yeah. Yeah. And so I think, yeah, that balance is really, really useful to hear. What's something that you used to value in a partner, but you don't value anymore.

39:40Jay Shetty:Someone may say, I used to value someone who was always there for me. And now I actually value a lot of interdependence where like, they don't need to always be there. They're going to be busy. Sometimes I'm going to be busy sometimes. And we've realized that that's what life actually looks like. Or something more superficial. Like I used to value someone who always picked up the bill on the first day. And now I don't because I want it to be an equal partnership. That's a more superficial example or on the deepest level it's like I used to value someone who believed in my dreams and now I don't want someone who believes in my dreams I can believe in my dreams but I want someone who's cheering me on while I'm doing it I think humans are they're so layered and the people I've fallen in love with I've also fallen in love with their flaws so for example I used to really value the funny guy and now maybe I don't want to go for that but actually I can't honestly say that because I was so proud to be in love with someone so funny and so charismatic and actually maybe deeper beneath that they were quite anxious and um quiet or shy or slightly insecure or whatever it might be and but it wasn't something that I saw as like a oh a red flag I just thought it was a beautiful thing.

41:03I think I just definitely value someone who, no one's perfect, but who has a relationship with themselves that's healthy. Because I think if you can understand yourself, look in the mirror, understand who you are, or you're just willing to sit with the discomfort of your own journey and expanding who you are, all these different things, I think those are the kind of people I really can click with because that's life. and I think that's something that I've learned ever since my early 20s but only because I decided to do that for myself I wanted to grow I wanted to be a better version of myself there were aspects of myself that I wanted to get rid of so I'm kind of reverse answering your question in a way no but

41:45Jay Shetty:I hear what you're saying you're saying that I want to embrace someone's flaws and the parts of them that they're still exploring and understanding and at the same time you need someone who's working on that part as well and aware of those parts as well and trying to because ultimately you can't carry those forever by yourself and I think a lot of people do that in long-term relationships where they think they're making space for their partner's flaws but actually they're just carrying them and then eventually that weight breaks them down because they go well I can't I can't do this without you because they're yours and if you're not going to carry them and only I'm going to carry them, well, then I'm carrying myself and you.

42:26Jay Shetty:And then eventually that's going to wear away and I'm not going to be able to hold that much weight. That's something I've had to learn because my stamina can overtake and be like, I'll do it. I'll carry both of us. But again, that comes from a place of self-belief of like, I've done it. I've done it for myself and I'll show you how good it can be. And going back to your values question, like, at work when people ask me, oh, what's your dream project or what's on your bucket list? And I always say, okay, here's a rough example of what I'd love to do in music or in my movies or other things. But there's never going to be the perfect project like with the dream director, dream time, dream location, dream cast, all these things.

43:13And then for it to get greenlit and financed and for a pandemic not to happen and all these things, it's never, I don't believe it's ever like going to happen like that it's you meet opportunities and you surrender to it and you open yourself up to it and you're like oh this this is kind of my dream project for these different things it may not have this one thing that I wanted in it but it's still amazing and I think I'm like that when it comes to meeting people I get taken by surprise quite a lot and I think for me first and foremost it's born out of a connection and I am quite drawn to people that are quite different to me in a way.

43:51Yeah. So I guess it's hard for me to even list like perfect scenarios or things of a person might be. I think my values will always be kindness, you know, a zest for life. I think that the opposite of depression is creation, right? So yeah, it's like, let's create together. Let's go on this journey together. Let's create a home together, a family together. Let's create experiences with our friends together. Even like it's Sunday and we've got no plans. Let's create a cozy day together. That's making something like you're moving forward in life and you're building and you're just going forward.

44:32But it's the opposite of being stagnant and not giving something a go. And I definitely am drawn to people that are like, let's just do it. Let's give it a go.

44:42Jay Shetty:I think about that all the time. I'm like, really what you're looking for as a co-creator is not feeling like either of you are carrying everything or all of it, but that you're co-creating and there's so much magic when that happens. I wanted to ask you, obviously you released your first EP this year called Songs I Wrote New York. I got to hear it early on. You were sending me stuff. So I was like, this is incredible. And I wanted to ask, what was it about, was it New York that brought that out of you that you've always been a singer you've sung since you were young but was it like was it being in New York was it certain experiences what brought that out of you to do that here and to obviously name it songs I wrote in New York so it was something that was in development for about three years Fraser T Smith really reared me and developed me and really like guided me into songwriting and helping me discover and develop the kind of sound I wanted and he always had that belief in me and that patience with me because I was in my lyric writing and my song writing I think I was trying quite hard to be bombastic to be edgy in my lyrics or to be a poet and all these things which is fine that's part of the exploration but when I moved to New York something happened where everything in my lyric writing and um what was coming out of my heart just felt so simple and suddenly it just became a story and a narrative that a lot of people could relate to and it was a narrative I was so proud of moving to New York was a massive um turning point in my life it really helped me find my confidence in a larger way I was meeting new people in you know summer in New York was just it's the perfect setting to to write music for me And I got very lucky working in the studio with Dan and Tulu, who are musicians I wrote my songs with, one of my songs with.

46:42New York got me out of my head because my body will always have better ideas than my head. And it really, every time I'm in New York, I don't stop. And it's a, which is a good and a bad thing. But when it comes to making music, it just, everything felt so instinctual. It feels like these songs are so personal, especially someone who knows about your personal

47:04Jay Shetty:life. But I'm like, when you listen to the music, it feels so raw. Like, did it ever feel scary? So scary. So I've never felt so nervous in my life. Really? Yeah, yeah. Everything you've done? Everything I've done. When a movie comes out, the studio will protect me. If something goes wrong it's on it's usually it can be on someone else or if it's on me then I don't know I've I've been quite protected I'm not perfect in any way I'm not flawless and I'm sure I've had quite a few bodies of work that have come out where my performance isn't maybe up to scratch but my music it was it was all me it was so um exposing and um I I felt so nervous I was quite a difficult person to be around for those few weeks was that because the music was also so personal was that a big part of it i was scared it was going to be misunderstood but anyone that listened to it was like what are you talking about like this is so positive i think it was also um i was releasing at a time where i was still on a journey of finding my peace with certain things.

48:18So I think it was a mixture of that.

48:22Jay Shetty:So Free is my favorite song. Yeah. I picked out a lyric from Tragic Romantic. Diane Warren wrote that. Oh, no way. Yeah, I didn't write Tragic. Okay. But I'm interested to hear it. This is a lyric though, but I mean, you put this in there. Red flags look like roses to me. I keep wanting what I don't need. Keep running to what I should run from. It's always the same old story. I'm good with what's not good for me. why why was that an important lyric to have in there then even if diane wrote it there was a kind of tongue-in-cheek atmosphere around these lyrics right and i think um the title tragic romantic it's quite dramatic and i think um it was kind of a like well here we go again another one bites the dust kind of thing we were talking about this earlier that like maybe addictions are too strong of a word but just that I love falling in love and I love that journey and my heart's gonna get broken but it's worth it's worth it for all the highs and you know I overlooked the red flags because even if I get one petal of the rose it's worth it.

49:30I don't think it's something that I practice in my daily life now but I think there was something quite tongue-in-cheek about it that I felt a lot of people could relate to, especially my community of women. Tragic Romantic was, I'm, you know, it was something that I felt nervous about. It's an amazing song. And I was, I'm so honored that Diane gave it to me and I worked with it on her. But I always want my message to be positive for young women and to have positive morals and lessons and values. And Tragic Romantic, I, there are aspects where I was like, I don't have to take it so seriously. And it's a story.

50:09And it's a chapter of a story.

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50:53Jay Shetty:And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. join wayfair rewards today to get five percent back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade head to wayfair.com to shop all things home that's w-a-y-f-a-r.com wayfair every style every home tell me about free free's like one of my favorite songs every time i talk about it with people about the story of the writing and the message behind it it just makes me feel this really delicate kind of happiness. I wrote it with Dan and Tulu within like four hours and I remember the day so vividly.

51:38I think it was on a Monday and I went in the studio and I was telling them about this experience that I had over the weekend and I was just so full of happiness and I was like here you have some happiness you have some happiness like it just felt so it was just overflowing and so we started writing the song and they were so excited that I was sharing my story with them and Dan when we got to writing the middle eight the bridge of the song I'll never forget it he sat down on his chair and he looked at me and he was like you know the real acid test for writing a love song like this like free is if you can write down the lyrics on a sheet of paper and read it out almost like it's a speech to this person maybe it's your wedding day or whenever it might be and you're just saying the lyrics as if it was a speech and it all makes sense and something just clicked in my head as soon as he said that and it it freaked me out as well like this experience was so fresh and now I was in the studio making this very confessional song and though the lyrics are incredibly simple when someone listens to it it's very easy listening soulful warm I hope and lyrics are so simple but free was about for me it was all about gratitude um I was saying this to you last night at dinner I think in day-to-day life happiness can remain quite dormant within ourselves and sometimes we have experiences or we meet people that just bring it alive and remind you of it.

53:15And it was just one of the best, happiest experiences of my life. And I was so proud of it. And I was so proud of myself of how much love I had to give and that I saw and believed in. And free was about documenting that. So that happy memory could just live forever, like gave it wings and it could just live forever. and then I ended up writing quite a good song. Like my whole team were like, damn, this is a good song. I was with a band doing live rehearsals the other week and they've worked with like some pretty big artists and they were like, this is a good song, girl. And I was like, so proud of it because it came from a place of just pure, pure love.

53:57Jay Shetty:I love that. Yeah, you feel it when you hear it. And I've loved all the acoustic versions you're posting on TikTok too. Yeah, yeah, more to come. Yeah, it's great to just see it like in that raw version of you just hanging out at home and singing along. And it's what has allowing yourself to sing and share your voice and write done for you differently than acting? Like what does it do for you as a person, as a human? I think I've kind of made my own opportunity to have space for my voice to be heard. in the film industry I'm still working really hard and grafting to get to projects which I know will happen for me where I can really showcase what I'm capable of and I have had many opportunities like that but there's even more that I can do and sometimes it can it it takes time because like we were saying it's finding the the thing that perfectly aligns at the right time but with my music singing came before acting for me I was singing since I was like six years old I love it so much and um i never wanted to look back and feel regretful that i didn't make it happen and i have a team of people that really believe in me and i've been working with people that really believe in me so i'm very lucky in that sense but um yeah it gives me more opportunity to use my voice creatively because i know myself more than anyone so i'm not limited in that way i respect you so much for doing it.

55:25Jay Shetty:I think it's so easy to get caught in our lanes. And we are living at a time when multi-hyphenates can exist and people are doing more than one thing. But still, I feel like it's so easy for people to label us and for us to label ourselves and say, this is all I am. And if I pivot, then people won't take me as seriously in this area. And I completely disagree with that because it's almost like, if you've already achieved what you've achieved, the joy is in trying everything you always wanted. And I often say that to my team where I'm like, I'm already living in bonus land. I want to do everything.

55:59Jay Shetty:Like I want to try stuff that my childhood self couldn't believe I'd have an opportunity to do this because otherwise I'm going to regret it. At the end of my life, I'm going to look back. No one's going to remember me anyway. And so no one's going to care. In a good way. I mean, in like a genuine way, like most people are not going to remember the biggest musicians of all time after 100 to 200 years, like you just won't. You know, when you look at history, like the only people that really lasted in history are like Buddha, Jesus, Krishna, Muhammad, like, you know, you look at like religion and spirituality or people who changed the world or the Stoics from 2000 years ago, but you don't really remember people beyond certain time periods.

56:37Jay Shetty:And it's a good thing to remember because it takes the pressure off when you go, oh God, I can do so many things. and I should do what my heart's calling me to. I'm not saying do things because you can. I'm saying do things because you've always known that that's who you are, which is what you're saying. We have a game for you, Simone. Okay. This game is called Would You Rather Dating Game? Okay. So we want to find out because we are trying to manifest this for you today on the show. Okay. So Dating Game, Would You Rather, Simone Ashley. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Would you rather date someone who has never been in a serious relationship or someone who just got out of a 10-year relationship?

57:14I'm gravitating towards dating someone that has been in a long-term relationship.

57:19Jay Shetty:Yes. But again, who knows? It's a game. It's a game, Smurf. Okay, okay, okay. No, no, go on. Go on, go on. I'm going to let you philosophize. No, I like you when you become a philosopher. So go on. No, I mean, you never know. You could date someone that's never been in a long-term relationship and it could be dynamite. It could be the best thing ever. Cool, all right. What do you think? I think I gravitate towards someone who knows what commitment looks like too. If it's been enough time, I think that's a really important part of that answer. Because if it's immediate, then that's unhealthy. But if it's been enough time, I gravitate towards that answer because I just feel like that person knows what it looks like to commit and grow and build and has experience.

58:00Jay Shetty:it depends what age you are as well we're talking about like people in their late 20s mid 30s I think that's if you haven't had a long-term relationship what's the reason and again there could be a really good reason yeah and that's fair too would you rather be with someone who falls for you very quickly or someone who takes things extremely slow I think look falling very quickly I think I'm someone that does that and I gravitate towards that I think it's about choice If it's two people making a choice and it's like, I feel this, I'm ready, let's go for it. I think when it's like you fall quickly and then someone's like, well, I don't know, I'm changing my mind now.

58:37Like, I don't know. I've got a very big open heart. So it's hard. I don't know. This game is hard.

58:44Jay Shetty:You're doing great. There's no right answer. The good thing about the game is there's no right answer. All right. Would you rather date someone who plans every date six weeks in advance or someone who prioritizes being spontaneous? Spontaneous. Oh, but you're the planner though. You were like... I'm the planner, but I really gel well with people that are spontaneous because it gets me out my head and it encourages me. So you're going to plan their gift six months in advance. Yeah. But yeah. I love spontaneity. Would you rather date someone who knows exactly what they want or someone who is totally open to where life takes them?

59:15Totally open.

59:16Jay Shetty:Would you rather be with someone who wants to spend every free moment together or someone who gives you lots of independence? Lots of independence. Why? Because I need that. With my lifestyle, I can't. So they're texting you every moment going, Simone, where are you? No, because I think it's attractive as well if someone is like, I'm doing my thing. Because I think, then suddenly I feel responsible. Yeah. And that's not cool. We're just giving clues to the public. That's what we're doing here. We've got a lot of people who watch the show, got a lot of everyone, got a lot of celebrities, got a lot of athletes, got a lot of music.

59:50Jay Shetty:So we've got to get this out there. yeah would you rather date someone who insists on talking through every disagreement immediately or someone who always needs a night to think first it depends again it's all i i'm like let's talk about it but it's not that hard i'm a let's talk about yeah yeah yeah would you rather date someone who's your biggest cheerleader or someone who's your most honest critic biggest cheerleader yeah like i've got so many people that can be my honest critic my friends my team like you don't have to bullshit me but yeah be my cheerleader yeah 100 yeah you're right you can find other people to do the other one that's the point you can find people in your life who'll be really honest with you but you want your partner to have you yeah yeah yeah yeah would you rather be the one to say i love you first or have your partner say it before you my last experience i i wasn't the one to say it first and I kind of liked that.

1:00:46I was like, okay, cool. Protects you.

1:00:50Jay Shetty:So that's the way we go. And then do you say it back immediately or do you wait? Oh, it's all within context, Jay. It's all within context. But yeah, I mean, look, if I felt the same way, then yeah. Or eventually. Eventually. So you'll make someone wait. Someone could say I love you and you like literally wouldn't say anything to them for seven days. No, no, no. No, okay. Within context. It's all within context. But okay, let's say in this moment, if I was with someone, I felt the same way and they said, I love you. Yeah, I'd say it back. Okay, we're just throwing it out there. I'm just being a big brother, you know, like helping you out here.

1:01:23Jay Shetty:That's what we're doing. I appreciate it. Yeah, that's what we're doing. Simone, I think one thing I wanted to talk to you about was this idea that I feel people feel, especially like, you're 31 now, you said. And it's like turning 30 is a big deal for people. and I feel society, social media has made it an even bigger deal for people. One of the biggest things I think people worry about, even when it comes to envy, comparison, friendship, one of the biggest themes is timelines. And I think we all had a timeline when we were growing up or we saw timelines around us. Figure out your dream job by 30, get married by 35, have kids by 40.

1:01:56Jay Shetty:And maybe that's all pushed back by 10 years, maybe 10, 20 years ago, that was even five years earlier, whatever it may have been. Talk to me about how you handle comparing timelines with friends, family and people around you. Not perfectly. In my family, I'm somewhat the anomaly. My brother, he just had a baby. I know. Congrats. Thanks. He's so cute. Thank you. Yeah. We've got opposite lifestyles, right? Like he got married, got the dog, had a baby, all of those things. And And I'm so, so proud of him and happy for him. And he's such an amazing example. I've just moved to New York and I'm making movies, making music, traveling all over the place.

1:02:39And sometimes that can feel a bit scary. But I think you just, you got to trust it. You got to trust your journey. You got to have faith in your journey. Don't compare and despair. I think it's hard as a young woman as well. you know the 30s are or like when you're gonna have kids or all these kind of things um I think in my moments of where I'm feeling low I can put pressure on myself and be like wow the next person I've got to be really careful I've got to do all these things I've put a timeline on my years and like set out a plan but when I'm feeling the best version of myself I just let it go and I'm like so so much gratitude for the life I have and I just manifest it trust it trust it trust it and your my time will come for my personal life or where the dreams I want to have personally that

1:03:32Jay Shetty:will happen when it's meant to happen I've seen people who got married early then had kids late and seen people who got married late and had kids immediately yeah and I've seen people who crushed their career and then found love late and then I've seen people who found love in their 20s and then figured out their career at 40. I feel like the timeline thing is such a messy indicator of success because anything can speed up, slow down or 180 at any point. And you see that with people at all stages. Like, you know, when I watch your career trajectory, it's incredible. Like it's so awesome. I'm such a proud friend and just watching you just achieve all these incredible things and do them so phenomenally well, carry yourself with grace, put yourself out there.

1:04:20Jay Shetty:I met your friends. They're amazing people. Like just, there's so much of your life that you've got right. And I think sometimes people usually rush the last piece of the puzzle and that can almost crumble everything because you already worked so hard to build all these facets of your life up. And what you just said, when you trust yourself and you trust yourself in the last piece of the puzzle, you start recognizing it's not the last piece. There's always going to be more pieces that keep getting added to this beautiful picture that you're building. But when you think, oh gosh, this is the last piece.

1:04:51Jay Shetty:I need to figure it out. You just try and like squish anything there. And then that can start to affect and destroy everything else. And so I think it's so fascinating, whether it's career, whether it's love, whether it's friends, whether it's family, like I've seen people who found love, who have a great career, and then they're doing therapy with their mom at 60 years old. And that's what's healing their whole experience, right? It shouldn't be a race to success in terms of settling down, finding a person, marriage, career. I don't think it should be a race to success. It should be a race to just finding peace and happiness.

1:05:25And that can take place at so many different places in everyone's life.

1:05:28Jay Shetty:Have you ever lived that experience of getting to a place where you're like, this is it, and then it wasn't? Because I imagine, yeah, you've talked about this idea of like nearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to me about that. The nearlys are the ones that really I find hard to process and to make peace with and to understand and to let go because again because I'm such a dreamer and I'm like well why not like we had all the ingredients like it was a nearly but again if we apply it to what I did in my work life you know it took me some time to really understand this but if I didn't get a job or if it was a nearly I really learned quite quickly that it was opening doors to something else.

1:06:12And when it came to work, it's so easy to understand that and accept that. And it happened for me. There were so many things in my early 20s I nearly got. And I'm so glad it didn't happen. So glad it didn't happen. Because if it did, I think things would have been maybe a little bit more complicated or different. Yeah, I think in my personal life, because you just want it. I want it right now kind of thing. So when it's a nearly it's hard to practice that acceptance and patience.

1:06:40Jay Shetty:Is there a particular example you can think of? I could count on like forehand the amount of projects in my early 20s where I was like, I got to the final rounds, I got to the screen test where I flew over and did the chemistry read and it was like, oh my gosh, I was dreaming about it and I was imagining what it was going to be like and I could taste it. And I didn't get it. I look back and I'm so glad it didn't happen because things that did end up changing my life, I probably wouldn't even been available to do them. When opportunities don't happen it's giving space for something else and it's kind of an annoying thing to say because everyone says that and it's really hard to trust it and believe it but from experience work-wise oh my gosh that I put money on it.

1:07:25Jay Shetty:Nine years ago I got contacted by a production company in LA which I lived in New at the time where we are right now. And they were like, Jay, we want to produce a TV show with you. We'll go and pitch it out to all the big streamers and production companies and everything else and come and do it. So I was like traveling to LA on my own money, which I didn't have a lot of at the time. I was coming up with a sizzle reel, coming up with a deck, figuring it all out on top of my day job, flew out when I did meetings, came back, flew out when I did pitches. And I remember being in a meeting with Netflix and Netflix turned down my pitch.

1:08:00Jay Shetty:This was nine years ago and I would never have started on purpose if they didn't turn it down because I would have got this show maybe it would have run for two three seasons yeah obviously I wouldn't have been in charge of it wouldn't have been my show I wouldn't have owned it and now I'm like now we're back on Netflix and it's just so but but it's like it's my show I own the show it's I get to decide who I sit with I get to decide who I talk to I get to decide what it looks like everything and I'm like wow like that moment when I got rejected, it felt like you couldn't see all of this. I couldn't see all of this.

1:08:32Jay Shetty:I had no idea. And I was like, oh, well, who knows? Like, maybe I'm not made for this in this way and whatever. You could tell all these stories. And then you go, no, actually that shining is the best nine years later. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I think it's so hard because we kind of live in these little tiny cycles of it's the worst three months of my life. It's the worst six months of my life. And it's actually if you zoom out and you look at life and you keep working and you keep focused, things will work out and make more sense. If it's meant to be for you, it will happen.

1:09:01Also careful what you wish for sometimes. So true. I nearly wasn't able to do Bridgerton. Because? Before the pandemic started, before everything shut down, I was on Little Mermaid. I have quite a small role in that. So proud to be part of that production. But yes, I was one of the mermaid sisters really small role i had like one line but they had booked me to film in sardinia the spring summer of 2021 and because of the pandemic like things got delayed and delayed and delayed and when i got bridgerton they said no they i think they kind of they didn't actually look into the details of it of like what bridgerton was the the scale of my character like how big it was for me no one knew who I was no one really cared and they said no and luckily my manager at the time my team really eloquently fought for it and they were like this this is going to change her life you gotta let her go over like two days filming somewhere and so you gotta let her go and yeah they thank god Rob Marshall let me do it and yeah and so careful what you for.

1:10:12I say that as an example of you might really want something and you get it and it could really mess up what happens in the future.

1:10:22Jay Shetty:Those are those sliding door moments. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you've got to be so intentional in those moments and be really careful about what you're really trying to build. Yeah. Because in one sense, one's bigger in the Little Mermaid feels bigger in the moment, but then one's bigger for you. Yes, exactly. And it's better for you and what you're building and be careful to not emotionally react to desperation which is a really human thing to feel there is no shame in feeling desperate like as an artist I feel desperate all the time like all the time hungry all the time and I think you know look we're talking purely about work I think I'm in a very privileged place to sit here and talk about this um but when you're desperate and you really want something and you're hungry for something sometimes you can make decisions that in the long term don't suit you so that's something I've really learned with work as well what would you say to someone who feels behind in life I think you know you could say the things like be grateful for what you already have or it's that that's going to come for you just believe in yourself work really hard and it'll happen for you but when you feel behind in life it's something that's quite deep feeling behind in life comes from a place of maybe you have to practice what life really is you know practicing how can you just be you know and not have all the things that make you feel successful or confident or in control how can you just be and be okay with it because I don't think there's an answer to that I think we're always going to go through feeling behind feeling like someone's got something better than me feeling disappointed and there's no quick fix because sometimes things are out of our control and sometimes you just got to be and if you can be okay with that and be at peace and be happy with that no matter what's going on which is you know really hard i'm not perfect at all but that's what my answer my real answer would be the biggest problem with feeling behind and looking up is that one day you'll be ahead and then looking over your shoulder and both positions are just not great to be whereas is if you learn to just be where you are and recognize, let me get comfortable with this, let me understand me, then whether you're ahead or behind, it won't matter to you.

1:12:43Jay Shetty:Whether you're number one or number 100 on the list, it won't matter to you because you are comfortable in your own skin. And if you're number one, one day you'll be number two and one day you'll be number three. And if you're number three, one day you may get to two or one. And that's always going to just move and change. Exactly. But I think to that point, maybe you do get to a place where you have all the things you want, but you're not happy. So even if you are feeling behind in life, how can you find, what does happiness mean to you? How can you find happiness without all the things to fix it?

1:13:15Jay Shetty:What's the biggest pressure you've had to let go of in your 30s? I was going to say, I think getting married, but I don't feel that pressure at all, to be honest, from my family or anyone. I can make it feel like a pressure when I'm feeling frustrated or I feel like there's you know something I'm doing that's stopping myself I think it's a it's a want and a desire to find someone and I think I'm trying to be careful to not turn that into pressure I love the answer because what's interesting is you can want the same thing but it can either feel like a pressure or it can feel like a pursuit something you're excited about the desire part that you just mentioned there and often what we do is we go I want it I don't want it right so we oscillate between like we think the point is if I want something too badly whatever it may be work career, love.

1:14:00Jay Shetty:We go, okay, I better go to the other end and not want it. And it's not that, it's actually going from, how can I turn it from being a pressure to a pursuit and a desire and an excitement and joy and abundance? Because it's okay to want it. I'm not wrong for wanting it. And I think sometimes we make ourselves feel, no, no, no, I shouldn't want it. I should just forget about it. And it's like, no, no, no. How do I purify it to want it from a place of abundance and joy and bliss and excitement as opposed to wanting it from pressure, desperation, stress, frustration. It makes me think you've seen Shawshank Redemption.

1:14:34Yeah, of course, yeah. I can't remember the quote, but there's that quote about time and pressure because the whole story is about them chipping away and it's taking time in terms of geology, like pressure to get through this wall.

1:14:47Jay Shetty:Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes, really, pressure and time. His dream was the escape. So it always inspired me and what you were asking me reminded me of that, because if that's my dream, then how do we take time and pressure and not make pressure this bad, dark word? Simone it's been such a wonderful time talking to you as always and we get to do this I'm lucky I get to do this offline with you all the time yeah but the last time I saw you apart from last night at dinner was I got to come to the premiere of Devil Wears Prada 2 yeah yeah which I'm such a big fan of the first one and so you giving me that opportunity to come and crash with your team and come to the premiere that you were such a big part of the movie was unbelievable the movie was awesome i loved it i thought it was like a brilliant sequel it was so awesome being at the premiere being with you seeing you be celebrated and you know and you living off of crazy little amounts of sleep i had no idea how you didn't even get to go to your own after party and had to run to london yeah yeah the next morning but i mean being a part of that you've talked about it so much i've seen so many of the interviews it must have been so special now when you look back on it because the movie's out and of course it's going to go out on streaming soon but now that the movie's already out when you look back on an experience like that what do you remember changed my life changed my world um professionally and personally i remember every detail of that experience i remember everything i've just felt so proud to be part of something of that caliber with that cast and to be working with david and aline and just one of those experiences and moments in my life that just um I really I've never felt so present in my life best best experience of my life professionally but my world around me moving to New York and what was happening to me around that time the happiest I've ever been in my life so forever so much gratitude towards that I remember getting the call so many people have asked me like oh apparently there's this video of you when you get the call of having getting this movie and we started talking around this time our friendship was just like starting to grow and I was going through a few experiences and when I got this call I was just so happy and I was very emotional and I've I've never shared the video with anyone like because I just I find it a bit weird doing that, but I'll give it to you.

1:17:21Oh, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way. Yeah, you can do what you want with it. No way. Oh my God. Wow.

1:17:27Jay Shetty:You haven't shown it to me before either. No, no. I don't think you've sent it to me. Yeah. No, because it's really emotional. It's a lot. That's beautiful though. But I remember that because happiness was just surrounding me that year. I'm very, very grateful for it. Well, once I've seen it and once we talk about it, I'll decide what I do. Yeah, okay, go on. That is very sweet of you. And that's beautiful. I remember what a challenging time it was. And so I can't imagine. And it's always like that in life. Like there's one door opening, another closing, another you're trying to break down. And I've always felt like as your friend, like you've just navigated it well, as best as you can as a human, really.

1:18:07Jay Shetty:And your mission is so clear of how you want to inspire others and help others. And I think that keeps you. But I think to that point, like anyone listening to this, I speak a lot about these amazing moments and how happy I am or I was and the gratitude towards it. But that is something I want to emphasize. Like my life is not that all the time. I'm a young woman going through the journey of a young woman, you know, and there's ups and downs and there's fails and there's moments of darkness. but if there's anything I do want to share with people is to inspire them to to practice remembering the happy moments and being grateful for them because that's your that's your light in the dark yeah I always say that we remember the bad times more than the good times because when something bad happens we cry for a month and when something good happens we celebrate for a day yeah and that's why what you're saying is you got to shift it yeah yeah yeah so we're just not good it.

1:19:04Jay Shetty:Like if something good happens, we like have one night and then it's over and then back to work tomorrow. But if something bad happens, you're like talking about it with your friends for a month, you're crying about it. It defines like three months of your life. And that's why you remember it more. And I love that reframe and shift for you. Simone, we end every interview of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum. Okay. So Simone, Ashley, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? Be kind.

1:19:30Jay Shetty:Second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received. That person will always be there. Describe in one sentence each of these people. Meryl Streep. Icon. Anne Hathaway. Icon. Emily Blunt. So funny. Icon. Stanley Tucci. So funny. Cheeky. Yeah. Simone Ashley. Your friend. I was expecting so funny and icon. And awkward. And awkward, yeah. So funny, icon, awkward. That's yours. That's my answer to yours. question number four what helps you in your hardest moments i'll wallow and feel about myself but um to get me out of that i i'll dream big i'll um go back to all the things i have coming up and just listening to music or going on a run or something and just dreaming big i'll live in my dreams for a bit and that kind of takes me out and then that's my mission yeah fifth and final question we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be be respectful i don't know being respectful would be great you've had so many people on here that probably said something really like profound no no no people do both like people say be kind and be brisk people say that and then people come up with like you should be locked out of your phone for the amount of minutes you use it and things like that like people come up with like yeah more technical stuff it's up to you it doesn't matter yeah yeah yeah simone thank you so much honestly this was incredible i can't can't wait to see you again i'm so glad that we got to do this and kind of i feel like it's a time capsule of our friendship i feel like we can come back to this in like 10 years and 20 years and look back on it and be like yeah look what happened from you know this conversation that conversation and i hope you'll come on again absolutely in the future but honestly i'm so proud of you so grateful that you exist so excited to see what you'll continue to do in the world, the path that you're saying, the example you're saying for so many young women across the world and myself and people like myself, so inspiring.

1:21:33Jay Shetty:And thank you for being so raw, real and true. I appreciate you deeply, truly. Thank you. Thanks so much, Joe. Thank you so much. Good energy in. Good energy out.

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