Stop Waiting For External Validation

0:00Jay Shetty:This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up, it can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs.

0:42Jay Shetty:And alongside a proper diet, AG1 NextGen meets 94 % of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20 % on your first subscription order of AG1 NextGen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com forward slash on purpose. That's drinkag1.com forward slash on purpose. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. Confidence isn't something Mazda finds, it's something they practice. That's the thinking behind every Mazda, with proactive safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus awards than any other car brand as of July 2026.

1:34Jay Shetty:Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit mazdausa.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

2:12Jay Shetty:Most people think they have a confidence problem. They think if they could just believe in themselves a little more, they would finally ask for the promotion, make the career change, leave the relationship that isn't working, or take the first step toward the life they've been imagining. But here's my take. I don't actually think confidence is the thing that's holding most of us back. I think the truth is, we have a validation problem. Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped asking, what do I think? and start asking, what does everyone else think? Before we buy a couch, we read 100 reviews.

2:52Jay Shetty:Before we wear an outfit, we send a picture to the group chat. Before we make a decision, we call a mentor. Before we post a photo, we overthink about how well it will be received. We don't even realize how often we're waiting for someone else to tell us it's okay before we allow ourselves to move. The truth is, we've never lived in a world that gives us this much feedback. Every app has likes, comments, stars, reviews, rankings, followers, streaks, or scores. At work, we have performance reviews. At school, we have grades. Even our watches tell us whether we've had a productive day. Every time we open our phones, we're reminded that almost everything can be measured, compared, ranked, and evaluated.

3:38Jay Shetty:I don't think that's making us bad people, but I do think it's changing us in ways we rarely stop to notice. Every generation has its own hidden challenge. Our grandparents learned how to survive scarcity. Our parents learned how to navigate opportunity. I think one of the defining challenges of our generation is learning how to navigate constant evaluation. We've become so accustomed to being measured by the outside world that we've slowly forgotten how to internally measure ourselves. The problem is external feedback is a terrible place to build an internal identity. When your confidence depends on applause, it disappears the moment the room goes quiet.

4:21Jay Shetty:When your self-worth depends on approval, every disagreement starts to feel like evidence that you're on the wrong path. We begin to mistake silence for failure, hesitation for a sign to stop, and criticism for proof that we shouldn't have started in the first place. But psychology tells us something fascinating. Human beings aren't born needing constant validation. We're born needing connection. And those are two very different things. Somewhere along the way, our brains started treating approval as if it were the same thing as belonging. And once that happens, we don't just look for advice anymore.

4:59Jay Shetty:We start looking for permission. Permission to change, permission to grow, permission to want something different, permission to become someone new. So today I want to share five shifts that completely change the way I think about confidence, approval and self-belief. Because I don't think your goal should be to become someone everyone believes in. I think your goal could be to become someone you yourself can trust. Picture this. Imagine you're sitting in a meeting at work and an idea pops into your head. You think it could solve the problem everyone has been talking about for the last 20 minutes.

5:36Jay Shetty:But before you say anything, you glance around the room. No one else seems to be thinking what you're thinking. So you stay quiet. 10 minutes later, someone else suggests almost the exact same idea and suddenly everyone loves it. You leave wondering why you didn't just say it first. Or maybe your friends ask where you want to go for dinner. You know exactly where you'd like to eat, but instead you hear yourself say, I'm happy with whatever everyone else wants. Feels polite, feels easy, but if you really pay attention, you'll notice how often we silence our own preferences before anyone has even disagreed with them.

6:15Jay Shetty:We become so practiced at reading the room that we slowly stop reading ourselves. Psychologists have been studying this for decades. One of the most famous experiments in social psychology was conducted by Solomon Asch in the 1950s. Participants were shown a series of lines and asked an incredibly simple question. Which line matches the length of the one on the card? The answer was obvious. But when everyone else in the room, who were secretly actors working with the researchers, intentionally gave the wrong answer, many participants abandoned what they could clearly see with their own eyes and agreed with the group instead.

6:57Jay Shetty:Think about that for a second. They weren't confused. They weren't incapable of seeing the correct answer. They simply trusted the consensus more than they trusted their own perception. This episode of On Purpose is presented to you by Mazda. Peace of mind doesn't happen by chance. It's created through the habits we build before we ever need them. That's the philosophy behind every Mazda. With proactive safety features that help keep you more aware, more connected and more engaged, Mazda helps you feel ready for whatever the road brings. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand.

7:34Jay Shetty:And as of July 2026, Mazda has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus awards than any other car brand. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit mazdausa.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Belonging has always been one of the strongest psychological forces in human life. For most of human history, being separated from the group wasn't just uncomfortable, it could be dangerous. Our brains evolved with one question constantly running in the background. am I still with the tribe? What's remarkable is that this instinct doesn't just show up in major life decisions.

8:21Jay Shetty:It actually quietly shapes hundreds of tiny moments every single day. Someone says a movie was terrible, and suddenly you're less sure whether you actually enjoyed it. Everyone at the table orders cocktails, even though you really wanted tea. A trend becomes uncool, and without thinking you start questioning whether you ever liked it in the first place. Consensus has a funny way of disguising itself as truth, and that's what makes this so important. The more often we borrow the crowd's opinion, the harder it becomes to recognize our own. We start assuming that if everyone agrees, they must be right.

8:58Jay Shetty:If nobody responds to our idea, it must not be good. If our family doesn't understand our decision, maybe we shouldn't make it. We slowly begin outsourcing our judgment without even realizing we're doing it. The irony is that history tells us the exact opposite story. Almost every meaningful idea, invention, movement or piece of art was unpopular with someone before it became accepted. Consensus isn't what creates meaning. More often than not, consensus catches up to meaning long after someone had the courage to trust what they could already see. So the next time you catch yourself looking around the room before trusting your own instincts, pause for a moment.

9:40Jay Shetty:Instead of asking, does everyone agree with me? Ask yourself a different question. What evidence do I have that this feels right to me? Consensus can be useful. Advice can be valuable. But none of those things should replace your own ability to think. Because the strongest inner voice isn't the one that never listens to anyone else. It's the one that can hear everyone else's opinion without losing sight of its own. That takes me to the second thing I want to touch on. Have you ever sent a text and then found yourself checking your phone every few minutes? I think we've all been there. Logically, you know they're probably busy.

10:17Jay Shetty:You know they might be driving, working, or simply haven't seen it yet. But as the minutes turn into hours, your mind starts filling in the blanks. Did I say something wrong? Are they upset with me? Did I misread the conversation? Suddenly, the silence starts to feel like a reflection of your worth instead of a reflection of their schedule. Here's another scenario. You walk out of a meeting and suddenly you're spending the rest of the day replaying one person's reaction to an idea you had. Nine people smiled, nodded, or thanked you for your contribution. But one person looked distracted or unconvinced.

10:54Jay Shetty:Somehow your brain completely ignores the encouragement and becomes fixated on the one person who didn't validate you. It's incredible how quickly our minds gravitate toward disapproval instead of acceptance. There's a reason for that, and it has very little to do with confidence. Neuroscientists have discovered that social rejection isn't something our brains treat lightly. Research led by psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that many of the same brain regions activated by physical pain also become active when we experience social exclusion. In other words, your brain doesn't simply interpret rejection as an unpleasant feeling.

11:33Jay Shetty:On a neurological level, it interprets it as a threat. Thousands of years ago, that response made perfect sense. Human beings survived in tribes. If you were rejected by your community, your chances of finding food, protection or shelter dropped dramatically. Belonging wasn't just emotionally important. It was essential to survival. Our brains evolved to protect that belonging at almost any cost. But here's what's fascinating. your brain hasn't evolved nearly as quickly as your environment has. It still reacts to a delayed text or a critical comment or a lack of approval as though your place in the tribe might be at risk.

12:13Jay Shetty:What once protected us can now convince us to question ourselves every time someone disagrees with us. I think that's why it's so important to separate two words we often use interchangeably belonging and approval. Belonging is the feeling that you're worthy of love and connection simply because you exist. Approval is someone else's opinion about your choices, your ideas, or your behavior. They're not the same thing, but we often treat them as if they are. We begin believing that if someone doesn't approve our decision, they're rejecting us as a person. Think about a child dancing in the living room when their favorite song comes on.

12:55Jay Shetty:They don't wonder if they look cool. They aren't scanning the room to see if anyone else is dancing first. They hear music, they feel joy, and they move. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, something changes. By the time we're teenagers, we look around before we dance. By the time we're adults, many of us say, I don't dance. When what we really mean is, I don't want to be judged. That's what constant evaluation does. It slowly teaches us to replace self-expression with self-consciousness. We stop asking what feels natural to me and start asking how will this be perceived? Without realizing it, we begin performing our lives instead of participating in them.

13:37Jay Shetty:So the next time you find yourself craving someone's approval, I want you to pause before you chase it. Ask yourself a question. Am I looking for information or am I looking for reassurance? Information can make your decisions better. Reassurance might make you feel better for a moment. But if reassurance becomes the thing you depend on before every decision, you'll slowly lose the ability to trust. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up, it can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

14:18Jay Shetty:And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94 % of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20 % on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com forward slash on purpose.

15:06Jay Shetty:That's drinkag1.com forward slash on purpose. This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into a comfortable seat with plenty of room to stretch out. Catch up on work with Wi-Fi, grab a snack at the cafe car, or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast. Choose a cellar or Northeast Regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit Amtrak.com to plan your next trip. This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength.

15:48Jay Shetty:The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat, and build muscle, with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangestheory.com on purpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage and studio for details. It's your own voice. And that takes us to the third thing I want to focus on. People don't actually always see you as you are. Sometimes they see you as you were.

16:26Jay Shetty:Here's what I mean. Imagine you go home for the holidays. You've spent the last year growing. Maybe you've become calmer, more patient, more confident. You've learned how to communicate differently. You've gone to therapy. Maybe you just changed your hairstyle. You've set healthier boundaries. You've lost some weight, put on some muscle. But within 24 hours of being back with your family, you're arguing with your siblings the same way you did when you were 16. It's almost like you've stepped back into an old version of yourself without meaning to. But what if this isn't a reflection on your growth and is instead a reflection of how other people around you are viewing and categorizing you?

17:05Jay Shetty:The truth is our brains create mental shortcuts to make sense of the people around us. Psychologists call this confirmation bias. It's one of the reasons first impressions are so powerful, and one of the reasons genuine change can take so long for other people to recognize. They're not seeing today's version of you in isolation. They're filtering today's version through years of yesterday's memories. The interesting thing is that we all do this. We still think of someone as their shy one, even after they've become a confident leader. We still introduce our friend as the silly one, the messy one, or the responsible one, even though they've evolved in countless ways since we first met them.

17:45Jay Shetty:Labels make the world easier for our brains to organize, but they also make it harder for us to notice when someone has outgrown them. This is one of the reasons strangers sometimes believe in us before the people who've known us our entire lives. A stranger doesn't know about your abandoned projects, your awkward first attempts, or the version of you that existed 10 years ago. They simply experience the person standing in front of them today. Meanwhile, the people who love you most are unconsciously comparing today's version of you to every version they've ever known. Here's the paradox. The more energy we spend trying to convince people that we've changed, the less energy we spend actually changing.

18:27Jay Shetty:We find ourselves explaining, defending and justifying our growth instead of simply living it. But real transformation has never been something you argue people into believing. It's something you demonstrate consistently enough that eventually your life becomes impossible to misunderstand. That doesn't mean your friends and family don't love you. In fact, it's often because they do. Their picture of you has been built over years, sometimes decades, and our brains don't redraw those pictures overnight. They're not necessarily resisting your future, they're simply trying to reconcile it with the version of you they've always known.

19:04Jay Shetty:One of the most freeing realizations you can have is that you don't need everyone to update their picture of you before you continue becoming who you're meant to be. Some people will always meet the version of you they remember. Others will eventually catch up. Your job isn't to manage everyone's perception of you. Your job is to become so rooted in who you're becoming that you no longer need other people to confirm it. Which leads to the next part of this conversation. In order to stop seeking external validation, you need to be sure that you're genuinely living in alignment with what you actually want.

19:41The question isn't, can I achieve this?

19:44Jay Shetty:It isn't, do other people think this is a good idea? The question is much simpler than that. Is this actually what I want? Because we could spend our lives chasing approval, or we could chase something that genuinely fulfills us. Psychologists have long studied how our preferences are shaped by the approval of the people around us. We naturally evaluate ourselves by comparing ourselves to others. In fact, the mere exposure effect shows the more often we're exposed to something, the more familiar and more desirable it begins to feel. In other words, our brains are constantly absorbing ideas about what success, beauty, happiness and achievements are supposed to look like, often without our conscious awareness.

20:28Jay Shetty:I think this is one of the hidden costs of constantly seeking validation. When we become dependent on other people's approval, we also become more vulnerable to other people's definitions of success. We don't just ask them whether we're doing a good job, we let them decide what the job should be. Little by little, our lives begin to reflect the expectations around us instead of the values within us. That's why I think one of the most courageous things you can do is periodically audit your own desires. Ask yourself, if no one could see this decision, would I still want it? If there were no photos to post, no one to impress, no timeline to keep up with, and no expectations to meet, would this still be the life you're trying to build?

21:12Jay Shetty:Those questions don't always have easy answers, but they do have incredibly honest ones. Before you ask the world to validate your dream, make sure it's actually your dream. Because there's something even more exhausting than chasing approval. It's spending years earning approval for a life you never truly wanted in the first place. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions.

21:48Jay Shetty:Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. That takes me to the last thing I want to hit on. If you never want to seek external validation again, you need to become someone that you can trust. Once you've stopped outsourcing your definition of success, the question becomes, what do you replace it with? Most people would answer confidence, but I don't think that's the right answer.

22:25Jay Shetty:I think confidence is wonderful, but it's also inconsistent. Some mornings you wake up feeling unstoppable. Other mornings comparison can have you questioning everything. That's very human. If your life depends on feeling confident every day, you're going to spend a lot of time waiting for feelings to shift. I think what we're really looking for is something much more stable. We're looking for self-trust. Confidence says, I think I can do this. Self-trust says, even if I can't today, I know I'll figure it out. That's a completely different foundation. One depends on predicting the future. The other depends on believing in the person you'll be no matter what the future brings.

23:07Jay Shetty:Psychologist Albert Bandura called this self-efficacy, your belief in your ability to handle challenges and influence outcomes. What's fascinating is that decades of research show self-efficacy isn't built by positive thinking. It grows through what Bandura called mastery experiences. Every time you do something difficult, every time you keep a promise to yourself, every time you recover from a setback, your brain quietly gathers another piece of evidence that says, I've handled hard things before. I can handle this too. Think about learning to ride a bike as a child. You wobbled, you fell, maybe you scraped your knee.

23:44Jay Shetty:But each attempt taught your brain something new. Eventually, you stopped wondering whether you could ride the bike because your body had accumulated enough evidence to stop asking the question. That's how self-trust works. It isn't built in a single breakthrough moment. It's built through hundreds of ordinary moments of following through. This is why I think we sometimes misunderstand what confidence actually is. We imagine it's created by compliments, achievements, or people telling us we're talented. Those things can certainly feel good, but they fade surprisingly quickly. Someone compliments your work today, and tomorrow, you're hoping they'll compliment it again.

24:23Jay Shetty:Your post gets thousands of likes this week, and next week, you wonder why it didn't happen and again. External validation has a remarkably short shelf life. I like to think of it this way. Validation is rented, but self-respect is owned. Every compliment, every award, every promotion, every round of applause is temporary. None of those things become a permanent part of your identity unless you already learn to believe them yourself. Self-respect is different because no one can give it to you, which also means no one can take it away. It's built every time you choose integrity over convenience, discipline over excuses, and honesty over performance.

25:04Jay Shetty:There's another idea in psychology that I love called an internal locus of control. It's the belief that while you can't control everything that happens to you, you can influence how you respond. People with a stronger internal locus of control tend to be more resilient, recover more quickly from setbacks and experience greater well-being because they don't hand the steering wheel of their lives to other people's opinions. Feedback becomes something they consider, but not something they obey. So maybe the goal isn't to stop listening to external viewpoints altogether. Wisdom often comes from mentors, loved ones, and people who challenge our thinking.

25:43But there's a