The Simple Question That Makes Every Decision Easier (Use THIS Daily Framework To FINALLY Get Unstuck)

29:12Jay Shetty:Yeah, absolutely. I mean, as you were saying that, I was just thinking how many people downplayed their wins in order to make other people feel comfortable? how many people will complain about their day just because they know it will make other people feel better yeah how many people will lie about or even make up a relationship issue they have in order to feel more relatable to everyone else and it's really interesting how quickly we all start creating our own drama and stress and pressure in how we talk to ourselves because we think that's what makes us connect with everyone around us. If someone's gossiping, or if I match their frequency, now we can connect over something.

30:01Jay Shetty:If someone's talking bad about someone, if I join in, now we can connect about something. And we all do it. I do it too. But it's what you're saying. It's like, wait a minute, are we raising our frequency? Are we lowering it? And to me, that goes back to making a choice. Because every time you lower your frequency that becomes your frequency you become more like what you critique you become more like what you compare you become more like what you complain about and all of a sudden you realize you're becoming all the things you didn't want to be yeah and it is all about how we talk to ourselves i think how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to people we love yes oh that's a big one Yeah.

30:40Being able to recognize the words that you use to the person that is the closest to you. I mean, I feel like that has been one of my biggest awakenings this year, too, that, you know, when you're when I'm like in my zone or just like. meditating that's like one thing for me like when i'm i it's very verbally communicated in my home because everyone wants mom to meditate because when mom walks in oh they're like that my children i mean my husband's like you didn't meditate yet and listen i know people are like but it shouldn't it completely like change the person that you are yes actually trust me you want this yeah so it's it's a known thing and i can feel myself if noah interrupts me i'm just like like the fire but i'm just softening those edges learning that like there's a way to not be so snappy

31:56When it comes to advancing your education, you have more options than you think. At Rasmussen University, we find ways to remove barriers, not build them. Like a new laptop if you're eligible and enroll in select online or on-campus programs. That means flexible and engaging online courses and resources, tuition savings options if you qualify, exceptional student support, and much more. Online nationally or check out their 20 campuses across six states. Start when you're ready and get the support you need. Visit rasmussen.edu.

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33:35Jay Shetty:You're reminding me of an experience I had when I lived as a monk for three years. There was a one train journey we went on that was around somewhere between two to three days. It was a journey from North India to South India. And when you're a monk, you don't, you travel generally by train, especially when you're in a country and - With a backpack, right? With a backpack. Tiny little - Yeah, totally. And it takes like two to three days to get to the South. And we were going on a pilgrimage. And so I get on this train and, you know, I'm born and raised in London. Like the tube in London is amazing.

34:11Jay Shetty:and the trains in london are amazing and the trains in india when you're a monk you're not there is no such thing as coach it's like whatever's less than coach and i'm not kidding you i got on this train and i went to use the restroom and for anyone who's been to india back in the day and that train still had it that way the the bathroom is not a toilet that you'd find in a Western home, it's a hole in the floor. I've heard. And I walked in and it was the whole bathroom and the train was so filthy. We just got on the train. It was so filthy that I decided to fast for two to three days because I didn't want to use it.

34:51Jay Shetty:I just didn't want to go in there. So I'm on this train and the train's chaotic. I thought I had a seat, but there is no assigned seating. Everyone's sitting everywhere. There's people sitting on the floor. There's people sitting on the chair. And I told my monk teacher, I said, I think when we stopped, because it was a long haul train, the stops would be like 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes at a station. They weren't these quick stops. And so I said to him, I said, you know what, during the next, you know, time on this train, I'm going to get off the train, meditate somewhere near the station, and then jump back on the train.

35:27Jay Shetty:And I just want you to know that. And he asked me why. And I said, well, because it's more peaceful, like I would jump off and I'd find somewhere in the corner of a station. I'd say it's more peaceful than the train because the train is just chaotic. There's people everywhere and there's nowhere to sit. And he saw me do this a few times. And then he sat me down and he said to me, he said, Jay, do you think life is going to be peaceful like the stop or chaotic like the train? And I said, I think it's going to be both, but I think it's going to be more like the train. And he said, yeah, that's why you need to learn how to meditate on the train.

36:03Jay Shetty:And it was just a really great lesson because that idea of just, I was looking for peace to create peace. And his point was, don't look for peace to create peace, find peace in the chaos, because then you've really found peace. And so I remember meditating on that train in the middle of crowds, people getting on and off, people sleeping where I was meant to be sitting. and that's what's given me the ability to what you were just saying to meditate in the back of an uber to meditate on a plane to meditate wherever you are because that's the skill you were trying to develop and so i think sometimes when i'm being disturbed during meditation i see it as the best thing that could happen because that's the test of can i really lock in it's so true and like you know when you're like real you know every time I meditate I'm not transcending energy but sometimes you you really are and I specifically in that very moment was but I chose to see what my husband needed and I I really it's such a vivid moment because I saw a version of myself that I've created show up in a way that I've always wanted to.

37:19And it's, it was so subtle, but I do think in relationships, especially like these are the things that keep you together, respectfully talking to your partner. And, you know, I feel like there's like, I want to go in two directions with you right now. Cause I'm like, okay, I want to think more like a monk, but like, how does a monk meditate? Is it TM? Like, tell me exactly how do you meditate?

37:46Jay Shetty:Yeah. So I have three meditation practices. You'll be aware of some of them or maybe all of them. The first is breathwork. And I think you and your audience and community will know so much about this. And it's as simple as that. For me, breathwork is how I start my day because to me, breath is at the core of everything. I remember when I was at my first day of being a monk and I was watching a young monk teach these children monks how to do something at their first day of school. So I went and watched and I asked him what he was teaching them. And he said, I was teaching them how to breathe. And he said, what did you learn on your first day of school?

38:27Jay Shetty:And I said, one, two, three, ABC, I don't know. And he said, well, here we teach them how to breathe because we believe that the only thing that stays with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath. And he said, your breath is connected to every emotion you experience in life. So what changes when you're happy? Your breath. What changes when you're sad? Your breath. What changes when you're joyful? Your breath. What changes when you're crying? Your breath. And he said, every emotion under the sun is connected to your breath. So if you learn to navigate your breath, you'll know how to navigate life.

39:05He was 10 years old and I couldn't believe

39:09Jay Shetty:just how powerful it was. And so to me, our day is dictated by the quality of our breath. And for anyone who works out, you know, if you're breathing right, you can lift heavier, you can push harder. If you cold plunge, you can stay in there longer. You can deal with so much. your body can push it to limits if you're breathing properly. The athletes that we all admire can push themselves because they're breathing properly. The musicians who sing at the top of their lungs or play wind instruments beautifully can do that because they're breathing properly. Your breath, whether you look at it through science or spirituality, is deeply connected to human performance.

39:47Jay Shetty:If you're out of energy, you can change it with your breath. So true. Right? You can transform everything. everything and so to me starting your day with breath work is life-changing and you know whatever practice you do for me it's usually aligning my breath and my body so it's breathing in can we do it yeah absolutely oh i'd love to i just literally felt it of course let's do it i love it yeah absolutely so and i i'm always being careful because i don't like to tell people something they already know and doing and stuff so i just love it um so what i like to do is what i find is when you wake up in the morning, we all experience one of two things.

40:25Jay Shetty:Your body's ahead of your mind. So your body's running around and your mind is saying, I wish we were still in bed. Or you're experiencing the opposite. Your mind is racing around and your body's saying, I wish we were still in bed. So this practice aligns your body and mind. You're now bringing them both together so that they can be collaborative partners for the day rather than live in this stress and tension the whole day competing for your energy and your attention. And so it's as simple as we're going to take an inhale, I'm going to count, and we're going to inhale for a count of four, and we're going to exhale for a count of four.

41:03Jay Shetty:It's as simple as that. And the goal is to align your personal pace of counting for your breath with your breath. So you're aligning your breath and your body. You're breathing in at the same pace as you're counting in your mind. So breathe in for a count of four,

41:21Jay Shetty:and out for four.

41:28Jay Shetty:Inhale, two, three, four. Exhale, two, three, four. Remember, in your own pace, at your own time. Inhale, two, three, four. Exhale, two, three, four. Aligning your breath and your body, not letting your mind run ahead or your body feel like it's being left behind. the goal is not to do this for as long as you can or as expertly as you can it's to inhale at the same pace that your mind counts and exhale at the same pace that your mind counts One last time, inhale, two, three, four, exhale, two, three, four.

42:51Jay Shetty:and so that simple practice is how i like to start my day because your body and mind are competing all day your body's saying i wish we were still in bed your mind saying i wish we were doing more I wish we were more productive. Your body's saying, I wish I had more energy. So you're constantly living in this inside your head where there's this competition. And here you're just saying, Hey, I see you both. Yeah. I feel you both. I love how you like align the two like that. Cause I love like, I mean, I, I do, and I share so many different versions, but the way that you, like as soon as you said like aligning and not letting the the pace of your breath like be let your body be with it like you could feel an immediate like just alignment yeah if you think about anxiety in your mind what happens your breath gets shallower and it gets faster so that means your mind is directly connected to your body now what's happening is your mind is moving fast it's forcing your body to move fast but that's not helping your body because we know shallow and fast breathing is not ideal so now we're trying to deepen our breath we're trying to slow it down and so when we're trying to bring both into alignment you end up being able to do that as your day shifts and changes so if there's anxiety there's stress you're able to remember oh wait a minute i just need to bring them both back into alignment at a slower pace that's actually going to help me and so i love that it changes everything i mean it's changed my life it's just like the one practice and i've been really deepening my nasal breathing so i used to and i still do a lot of breath work with you know in through the nose out through the mouth or just many different cycles and series of breath work but i find that almost like the softer, just like deep, long, slow inhale through your nose.

44:52And then that slow, long, deep exhale out through my nose. Wow. Like just like the subtlety of just like dropping in deeper and like really breathing into all of your diaphragm. It's like. Yeah.

45:09Jay Shetty:And sometimes if it helps people, I always say put your left palm on your stomach and And when you breathe in, feel your stomach come out. And when you breathe out, feel your stomach go in. That's how you know that you're doing it right, if there is a right. And that definitely helps for sure. It does. Because we're all breathing up here in our chest and our heart. There's only so much you can breathe in when you're using that part of your body. So I'll usually start with that. The second form of meditation that I love is visualization. And I practice this almost on a daily basis. and the reason this is so important to me is because I think today when we think about visualization people think about visualizing the result or success or the podium or where we want to be and those things are beautiful but that's that's not what I'm doing what I'm visualizing is the process to get there so I'll visualize what I have in my day so I knew I was going to see you today.

46:07I knew I was going to see a few other people today and I'll visualize meeting that

46:13Jay Shetty:person. If I've seen them before, I'll visualize them in my mind's eye. If I've never seen them before, I'll visualize wherever I'm going a bit more generically. And I visualize how I want to show up. I don't visualize how successful it is. I don't visualize it being the best thing I've ever done. I visualize how I want to show up, what energy I want to walk in with, because I find what you're doing is almost a dress rehearsal in your mind. But you don't get to do that in life. Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You have to live it in real time. It's always live. And when you're living always live, you can kind of just run from one thing to the next.

46:50Jay Shetty:So when I visualize my day, I get to already live there with that person the way I want to. So when I walk through that door, I'm living in that space. So I've had the time to rehearse. I've had the time to prepare myself I've had the time to prime myself to set my intention of who I want to be and how I want to show up and now I don't leave a space thinking I wish I said that I wish I wasn't so rushed when I walked in I wish all those regrets that we have all those things we should have done could have done, would have done you've tested them out in your rehearsal and you may not deliver them perfectly as you did in your rehearsal but there's a presence there's a priming and I find that that takes like three minutes to do but it's one of my favorite things I'll do it before I go on stage I'll do it before an interview I'll do it before a meeting I'll do it before a presentation so this is something I recommend everyone does and you're just visualizing where am I going to stand how am I going to walk on what do I want to be thinking about when I walk on and I found this to be especially useful for things you find difficult I remember a few years ago a client of mine said to me tomorrow we're going skydiving and this was at a point in my life where I never ever wanted to go skydiving and I didn't want to look like a chicken so I said yes I said sure we'll go skydiving tomorrow I felt the peer pressure and I succumbed to it and so that day I watched videos of people skydiving and I watched on YouTube now you can search everything.

48:28Jay Shetty:So I'm watching people going up in the plane and jumping out. And every time in my visualization, I felt sick. I literally felt it in my stomach. I can't right now. And I literally experienced it. And what I found is on the seventh time of visualizing it, I didn't feel sick again. And the next day when I went up in the plane and jumped on the plane, I didn't feel sick at all. Because you've primed your body through visualization to have that experience. When you look at the best athletes in the world, I had the honor of interviewing Lewis Hamilton, who drives a car at like 180 miles per hour or whatever it is, he visualizes the night before not winning and being on the podium and lifting a trophy.

49:08Jay Shetty:He visualizes taking each turn. He visualizes how fast he's moving in that moment. He visualizes how it feels in his body when he takes a turn at a certain speed. He's not doing this now he has a simulator and things like that, but he's doing this with his eyes closed for years while he's training. When you look at David Beckham, who scored so many iconic goals in his career, he would visualize kicking a ball in a specific way so that it curves in a perfect way so that it hits the top corner of the goal. He's not just visualizing winning the game, it's visualizing his process. And so I encourage people to visualize how you want to wake up.

49:49Jay Shetty:I often ask people, visualize and rehearse at 7pm the night before how you want to wake up. So go through your morning. So imagine it's 7am, 5am, 6am, whatever time you want to wake up. When you wake up, what do you want to feel when your feet hit the floor? Maybe your bedroom floor is too hard and you actually want a nice cushy rug to make you feel more comfortable. Maybe you want your slippers right there. Maybe when you walk outside, you actually are going to, every day you convince yourself not to work out because your workout clothes are not already ready. Your sneakers are not already ready placed at the door that you're going to go out to the gym.

50:26Jay Shetty:If you rehearsed that before in your visualization in the night before, or even a week before, you're now primed to know how your mind's going to trip you up at every step. Oh, I'm so here right now. Yeah. So you can use it for anything. So I'll do that with clients. I'll literally walk through their morning routine with them at night or the day before or the week before and go, what are you going to wish was there? What is your mind going to say when you're in the bathroom brushing your teeth? Let's write a post-it note that tells you the exact opposite so that you can prime your mind for it because we can train our mind.

50:59Oh, absolutely. I was so like what you just did for me because we all have our process, right? And I think like this is the beauty of these moments to be able to connect with people who just make you think differently. That's what I think life is all about. And surrounding yourself with someone who just gives you that, like you just gave me so much inspiration for even just like before the podcast, I think before speaking is a big one. I always say a prayer and I get really, really grounded in myself. And I find that that helps me move with love. It helps me move literally like with my heart. And I just, I felt like what you just painted because it was so vivid for me, that can help you just set it up in a way where like you don't have to be so scared of it.

51:57Yeah. You know, because like waking up the next, that's like a big thing for people. Like getting out of, I think that's the hardest thing in the world for people to master is getting out of bed earlier than you want to.

52:19When it comes to advancing your education, you have more options than you think. At Rasmussen University, we find ways to remove barriers, not build them. Like a new laptop if you're eligible and enroll in select online or on-campus programs. That means flexible and engaging online courses and resources, tuition savings options if you qualify, exceptional student support, and much more. Online nationally or check out their 20 campuses across six states. Start when you're ready and get the support you need. Visit rasmussen.edu.

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53:57Jay Shetty:and and you have to rehearse it when you're not getting up because when you're doing it in the moment you're getting up your mind's going to beat you because everything you didn't spot because you didn't rehearse is now going to come at you whether it's the thought in your head so the first thought in your head is i'm going to snooze right remove the ability to snooze keep your alarm clock on the other side of the room now you knew that the night before so you it up. So the next morning you had to wake up to turn it off. Right? So you figured that out. So you're not losing in the morning to your mind.

54:30Jay Shetty:You're actually winning and owning your mind and getting that. So that's my second practice of visualizing. And then the third practice, which is the longest part of my practice is mantra meditation, which is the repetition of sacred sound. And so in the Vedas and the teachings of the East, sacred sounds are considered to have frequency and potency to connect you to your higher self, to connect you to source, to connect you to God and divinity. And those names, those words, they're almost like affirmations. They just happen to be in Sanskrit, which is an ancient Indian language, one of the oldest languages in the world, if not the most.

55:10Jay Shetty:And that connects you back to the beginning of creation. So when you think about when we hear the word om which everyone's so familiar with today om is considered the starting syllable of the universe it's considered to be the first ever sound that existed and so when you're chanting that mantra which many people do that mantra reconnects you to that inception to that beginning to that moment and so there's a the way i like people to think about it is when you hear certain music, it makes you dance. When you hear certain music, it makes you cry. When you hear certain music, it makes you nostalgic.

55:49Jay Shetty:Sound takes you back and sound reveals images. When you hear a song, you can remember a party you're at. You can remember a moment you shared with your partner, a moment your child was born, whatever that sound does. So when you speak or listen, you can then visualize, you can see, you can experience. And the name is the beginning of that. And so I'll practice mantra meditation as the core part of my practice. And you say like, um, or is it internal? It's loud enough so that I can hear it. So it's, you're putting a sound down. Oh no, I'll repeat it with my own. Okay. Yeah. I'll repeat it with my own lips and it can be different names.

56:29Jay Shetty:There's so many different names in our tradition of Krishna is the name for the divine, which is the name of the all attractive. Rama means the reservoir of all pleasure, which is another name for the divine. And so these are all beautiful names that could be repeated and that connect you to that. And what you're basically saying is, use me in your service. That's the request of the prayer is, use me in your service, use me to do your work, make me a true vessel and instrument in your hand and allow me to you know experience you every moment of every day and that's the real request the real intention behind it have you visualized yourself before you got to where you are today like have you known that this was going to be your your power and your strength i hope this helps when i say it to people because i don't think i've had different moments in my life where I had different dreams, but I don't think I ever believed it was possible.

57:37Jay Shetty:And what I'm living today is so far beyond my imagination is what made me realize that there is a far greater plan for each of us than we even know. And you think your plan is good. And that's your biggest mistake. Our biggest mistake is that we think our plan is good. And so we hold on tightly to our plan. and when life doesn't go to plan, we think it's going wrong. Not realizing that there is a far greater, far better, far more profound plan that exists for us, but you only get it if you let go of yours. So at one point, my master plan was to live as a monk for the rest of my life. And when I left, it was the most embarrassing, humiliating, challenging thing that I had been through for myself.

58:28Jay Shetty:Why? Because I had told my family that this is what I was going to do for the rest of my life. And my family had warned me and said, when you leave, no one's going to give you a job. When you leave, it could be the worst decision you ever made. You're going to waste three years of your life. You're going to be behind everyone else, whatever it is. And when I left, I felt that all of that was true. When I left, I was rejected from 40 companies. No one would give me an interview, let alone a job, because surprise, surprise, who wants to hire a former monk? Like, what are your transferable skills?

58:58Jay Shetty:Oh my God, I do. Sitting still or being silent? You know, if I would love to, yeah, I would love to come and work with you. But that wasn't an option. Like companies in 2013 were not thinking about this. So when I came out, it almost felt that everything those people said when I went in was true. And I had to sit with that and reconfigure that. And so I hope it helps people to realize that I didn't have this vision for myself. so even if you don't have a vision for your greatest self right now it doesn't mean it's not possible and i don't want you to think you have to dream big or think big in order to kick it off i would actually suggest you to start it small when i started this i was grateful if two people showed up and that's what it was like for many many years when i did my first ever talk zero people showed up and then the second time i did it zero people showed up and i just practiced my talk in an empty room.

59:55Jay Shetty:And then the third time I did it, two people showed up. And then the fourth time was 10. And for years of my life, 10 years before I ever made a video, the largest audience I potentially had was, if I was lucky, 100. And that was incredible to me. That was mind-blowing. Like that was so special. It wasn't this feeling of, oh, 100's not enough. And I think that's kind of where we've got to now, where you're so overexposed to these numbers of million and billion and tens of millions of views and tens of millions of downloads that you don't even have the opportunity to be grateful for 10 views. I come from a time when I was just grateful if one person turned up.

1:00:35Jay Shetty:And I think that's what the universe reciprocates with that when you're grateful that one person turns up, you get the opportunity to serve 100. You get the opportunity to serve a million. But if you're constantly living in my vision's bigger, I want more for myself. I'm not convinced that that leads to a happier more fulfilled journey it may lead to success but even today when I'm speaking to large groups of people I'll often just remember speaking to a group of three people in a room because that's how I want it to feel even if it isn't what I'm isn't my reality anymore I want everyone in that room to feel I'm looking right at them and I'm there with them because I am and I could do that in a room of three and so I have to recreate that for myself it's so powerful I when I started it was in my living room on my phone and to this day every single time I film anything I still feel that that's like that's where I am and like I'm I'm still connecting to like, you know, that smaller community at that time.

1:01:44Because I think when you move through life from this true state of appreciation and gratitude for like what it is right now, the abundance that comes. And I mean, clearly, right? It's like looking at what you're doing in the world, the guests who you have had these incredible conversations with, you know, it's like I would wonder, I'm like, what is your deepest desire? Like what is something that in this moment in your life right now is bringing you the most fulfillment?

1:02:28Jay Shetty:my deepest desire genuinely is to use up everything that i've been given in the service of others like if i could just completely completely run dry and empty and leave it all that would be perfect and that if i could use every gift that i've been given in the service of others that would be my deepest joy because I feel like I've been given so much. I'm so fortunate. And I feel a responsibility with that, but I feel the need to reciprocate with that. And that isn't to say my life's been easy or it's been a straight path or any of that for sure. But there's a feeling I have of I have a lot to give and I want to be able to give it all.

1:03:16Jay Shetty:And then what's bringing me the greatest joy right now. I mean, nothing brings me the greater joy than being with my wife. I love her. She's just like - I love her. I was ending with her. Yeah. My wife is like, she is joy. She's joy. Yeah. She's joy personified. And so any moment I get to see her smile or get to hang out with her or get to just, you know, be with her, that's like magic. And I'm lucky because, yeah, it's just, she's always like that. And she hates when I say that because she's like, I'm not always like that. I'm like, no, you are to me, at least I have more mood swings than you do.

1:03:52Jay Shetty:And, and she's just, yeah, she's just so steady in her joy and she works for it. It's not, she, she has practices, she has habits, she has everything else. Like it's definitely comes from her amazing parents and upbringing and everything, but it also comes from her investment in wanting to do that. And so, yeah, anytime I'm with her, I feel it gives me the greatest joy, uh from a work point of view i get the greatest joy from constantly trying to see what's possible i live in this i live in this ultimate realm of possibility because i come from as i said earlier not believing anything was possible to now living like well let me see what's possible and so i get the greatest joy from trying things that are so far out my comfort zone that are so far reaching, that are things that I only could have dreamt off once upon a time, or maybe wouldn't even have dreamt off.

1:04:46Jay Shetty:And now I'm like, well, it's all bonus world. Like when people say to me like, oh, don't you just, aren't you happy with what you're doing? I'm like, yeah, I love what I'm doing, but there's more to give and there's more to experience and there's more to live. And so why not? And it's not safe, it's risky and everything else, but I love it. That's what life's for. Like - It's fun. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. I love feeling nervous. I love it. Yeah, I love feeling that. it's the best feeling in the world when you're like i don't like someone's like but what if and you're like but why not why not yeah test it and try it yeah and you don't feel at the start and that's fine like at the start you're just like all right just need to start small and figure it out but then once you've done that i think you have to get to a point where you just go well now let's just give everything a go you know yeah that's oh what beautiful answers i love your wife she is such a radiant being.

1:05:38I've never met her, but equally -

1:05:40Jay Shetty:I know, I can't believe you guys would love each other. Love each other. Yeah, you guys would definitely love each other. I feel like we're friends. I want you both to meet, yeah. I want you both to meet each other and be friends. I think you'd be great friends. We need to. The last time she was here, we, our schedules couldn't connect, but we will, we'll make, you'll make it happen. Yes, I will make it happen. But that's just so beautiful. I mean, it's at the end of the day, it's all about the love that we have in our life and the love that we have to share and the love that we have to give and the love that we experience with the people closest to us.

1:06:14And, you know, I mean, you wrote an entire book on the lessons of love. Can you just give us, you've been with your wife for a long time.

1:06:24Jay Shetty:We've been together for 12 years and married for nine. It's a long time. Through marriage and just, you know, I think the longevity of being with someone for so, like, it's like you start, you literally marry so many different versions within those years. For sure. Right? I mean, my husband had no idea what he was getting himself into. None. I'm like, did you think he's like, no. he's like, I knew there was greatness, but like, I didn't know it was going to be this great. Which is, it's a beautiful thing. Like how does, how do you stay so connected with your wife?

1:07:08Jay Shetty:This is reciprocal and mutual. And that's why it's so powerful. The first is when you love someone and if someone loves you, they never use your wounds against you. so they never use your vulnerability as a weapon. So if you've opened up to them, they don't use that to shut you down. If you've shared a deep part of yourself, they don't expose it in a shallow way. If you've shared your heart, they don't treat it harshly. If someone loves you, they say to you I know you told me this was sacred and so I'll hold it gently and when I think about my wife I can't think of a moment where I felt judged by my wife and that is so freeing it is the most freeing thing in the world because I think everyone in the world is judging you constantly and to not have that at home that doesn't mean she doesn't want me to be better sometimes yeah doesn't mean she doesn't want me to be better at things or doesn't want me to improve or doesn't challenge me yeah she does all of those things and she checks me she humbles me she does all of those things i can see her doing it yeah for sure she roasts me i mean my if anyone i haven't seen any of mine in my work everyone knows she is not scared to do any of that but i never feel judged by it yeah that's different and it's different it's different judged means i want to change this about you i want to control this about you i really dislike this about you and it's a pressure that we carry in our relationships that pushes someone away doesn't bring them closer so that's been a big one for me i've always felt that and then by the way it's the same for her i don't judge her either another thing that's been really beautiful that's leads on from that is if someone loves you they won't try to change you they accept everything that you bring they may not love everything yeah but they accept it and what they really try and do is they really try and understand how that makes you, you.

1:09:39Jay Shetty:So I'll give an example. If I was less ambitious, I think I'd be less attractive to my wife because she married me because that's who I was. That's my drive. Now, I'm not saying she's attracted to my ambition, but she's attracted to a version of me where ambition is core to who I am. So even if that's not what she's attracted to, that makes me who I am. And when I think about my wife, family and connection for her are what makes her who she is. And so in the first few years of our marriage, and even now, my wife will take any opportunities she can to fly back to London to be with her family. And I know that's her number one priority.

1:10:20Jay Shetty:And I don't want to change that. I don't want to compete with that. I don't want to compare that to something else because that's what makes her who she is. And I think often in relationships, we take away what makes our partner the person we first fell in love with we want to change the very thing that made them attractive to us in the first place it's like if someone was with you and was like i don't want you to do all this meditation stuff anymore it's just not it's just woo woo like it doesn't make sense to me it's like well wait a minute like that's who i am right sorry what was that yeah peace yeah exactly exactly because that's who you are yeah but if someone just suddenly sprung that on you because they're like, well, now I'm just tired of hearing about it and it's not enough.

1:11:03Jay Shetty:And I think everyone's experienced that version of that, where a part of their identity was being questioned or taken away as opposed to being thought about. And I think people go through this with their careers where you married someone who was a full-on career person. That's who they are. They're not suddenly just going to slow down and shift all their priorities. and if you want that then you can't have the other part of it too that's who they are and so i think a lot of the time we get into relationships wanting to change our partners and they get into relation with us never wanting us to change i feel like right and it's like they're like please don't change and you're like please change and then and then you're like wait a minute like why are you trying to change me and they're like why don't you want to change you know and it's and and the truth is you're never going to change anyone anyway so why waste your time yeah first of all what you said it was so deeply heartfelt about your wife and i feel like with me making the like uh-oh i didn't even mean to like interrupt that moment because it was so beautiful and you you can really feel that when you're in a partnership with someone who has your like your full embrace right now on the flip everything you just said has been me in every single relationship that I've been in even with my husband I can own that however through my own transformation and being able to like see my stuff and to see that control is something that has always stood in the way of everything for me and really surrendering to it.

1:12:49And like, you know, I'm in wellness. I married someone in nightlife. Like you don't get more polar opposite than this. Okay. And, you know, here I am and I'm like, well, why aren't you meditating and you're staying out so late? And then you do have to have these moments where I'm like, well, I knew this. So what you just said, I wanted to change him. He didn't want me to. And then I bought blossom like this butterfly. And I have gotten to this place where it's still a daily practice of not saying something in that moment, because what is it that I'm trying to say change the way in which and I think and know that is why I've been with my husband for 15 years, because I've been able to recognize that for a good half of our, you know, partnership, I was very much fully thought that I could just get him in a meditation pose and like, this is going to be it.

1:13:54Now, the more that I let go and I don't nag and I don't passive-aggressively say things, I used to be like that. Still, you know, we still work on the moments where it's coming out. He meditates. He's doing the things from his own free will. And I think that that's like the dance, right? Of being the embodiment of what you would love to see within others that you love. Totally. Right?

1:14:25Jay Shetty:When I met my wife, my wife has always had a great commitment to working out. And when we met, I was like, I'm mastering the mind. I don't really care about the body. And she's a dietician, nutritionist, you know, Ayurvedic health counselor. Like she's totally about food, nutrients, body, like everything. And she never made me feel bad that I didn't work out. All I saw was someone who worked out five days a week, seven days a week, committed to it, invested in her mental health. And it was just inspiring. And she also presented it to me in a way that would reach my goals. So she'd always say to me, she said, you really care about being efficient and effective and productive.

1:15:17Jay Shetty:She said, if you worked out, you'd be so much more productive. Your mind would be on another level. And I was like, yeah, I'm sold. Like if it can help me do that, then I'm in. And so I started working out consistently because I could see why it helped me reach my goals, not her goals. And I think often when we're encouraging our partners to do something, we're like, well, if you meditated, you'd be calm like me. And they're like, well, you're not calm right now, so I don't even believe you. And I feel that happens a lot in personal growth and self-development where people will say, oh, my partner doesn't meditate and they don't pray and they don't work out and they don't take care of their own health and they don't do all of this.

1:15:55Jay Shetty:And it's like, well, you just sound like you're complaining and nagging. And actually, if you just did it and you did it committedly for yourself, that person is going to feel inspired like like your husband is and i'm sure seeing him has inspired you in certain ways to become a boss right exactly right so you've seen that in him and by the way it's same for me and my wife as well it's not just one way this happens both ways right and so i've become healthier because of my wife i check every ingredient list because of my wife i know i know so much about health that i didn't know because of my wife i work out five times a week because of my wife but she never had to force me to do it and if she did i probably would have been turned underway because all of us have a little kid inside of us that doesn't want to do the thing we're told to do.

1:16:40Jay Shetty:So most of us are acting like parents. Our partners end up acting like kids. And now we're also playing that role. And by the way, what does that do? That takes the love. It takes the romance out. It takes the connection out because now you're mirroring parent child. Whereas if you just set the example, they get to either rise to that or they choose when they want to. And now you're partners. And so when you're mimicking parent child, you're taking out romance love attraction joy all of the stuff that actually made you fall in love in the first place oh it's so true it's so good it's it's real and by the way of course like me and my wife are passive aggressive we we yeah digs all like oh of course we're real we're human but judgment i put at a very high i feel like your partner has to be a safe place where they could be everything they need to be in front of you and with you yeah again not that not if it's exploitative abusive or of course like those are very obvious boundaries but i want to be able to admit my weaknesses to my wife and not feel judged for them you know like that i need that like who else am i going to go to yeah if i can't go to you where am i going to go then what are you doing what are we doing and i think that that's like just a a life moment to look at with everything that you're doing by the way with like where you're spending your time what you're doing for your career if you're not loving it and you're not feeling a way that you want to feel like you visualize when you wake up in the morning, then what's the point?

1:18:12You know?

1:18:13Jay Shetty:And it comes with lots of hard conversations. I've always said to my wife that I never want to live a day without love. And so if she ever falls out of love with me, just tell me because I can't bear to live without love. It's just not what I've signed up for. I really believe I deserve love. I really believe I'm worthy of love. And it's something I want to have for the rest of my life. And I don't want to waste any time not feeling it. And it's hard. It's a hard conversation to have, but it's real. Because that's what I want in life. It's almost like I wouldn't compromise on my career. I wouldn't compromise on that trajectory.

1:18:54I wouldn't compromise on anything in that space.

1:18:57Jay Shetty:So why are we doing it in love? It's like the deepest part of life. It's the meaning of it all. Yeah. Well, Jay, I have to say, you know, you meet so many people in this space and you are just one of those humans that when you can like sit in a room with you, you know, some people it's like. and I absolutely love everything you're doing, but you, like, I'm just like, you're even better if it could even be. Like, you're just so, no, I really mean that. I loved this conversation. And whenever I think about a guest, and I don't even love outlines and things because I really want it to be what happened here today.

1:19:50And I think it's just better than anything that I could have prepared for or planned. And you're just so pure. And I just loved this. The same is true for you.

1:20:04Jay Shetty:And I'm not just saying that because we're here, but you know, when you're running around doing lots of this stuff, there's very few people that just have the ability to make everything slow down and you do that. And I felt that sitting with you today, I want to do this with you offline lots more. And I don't know. Yeah. I just feel like you were able to create an energetic space and force field around us today that I've definitely felt just being with you here and it's just such a genuine sincere calming place to be and I felt so natural and comfortable and raw and vulnerable in a healthy way and it's it's a beautiful energy that you've crafted and curated here so thank you for doing that and thank you for giving me this opportunity and how lucky are we that we get to do this and call it work and thanks thank you to everyone who's been listening all the way up until now, if you're still listening, because you know, you give us the opportunity to do this.

1:20:59Jay Shetty:I feel so grateful that people care to listen and care to connect. And yeah, and I hope this has reminded you that your, what's planned for you is way greater than your plan. And sometimes just taking a tiny, small step forward is enough. Yeah. And that we're all human and still figuring it out, me included. I haven't got everything figured out and not everything's perfect, but just trying to plant more seeds. That's all I'm trying to do and watch out for those weeds. So beautiful. You planted such a seed in me today. You just posted something on Instagram and I was like, oh, hold on, he's going to 15 places.

1:21:46And then I swiped and you're actually going to... How many? Because I was like, how are you? Is it 15? Yeah, you're right.

1:21:51Jay Shetty:15. Is it? Yeah, it's 15. Okay, because I was counting and then I was like, did I get lost? Like, how are you doing all of this? No, two years ago, we went on a world tour and nearly did 40 cities across the world. 40? Yeah, this is 15 across North America and Canada. And I'm so excited because I feel like, you know, it's been six years of On Purpose. Millions of people have been listening. Hundreds of millions of people have been listening. And it's, I feel like we're seeking community and connection right now. and I'm excited for the feeling people are going to have that you're going to walk into a room full of thousands of people which can usually be anxiety inducing or challenging but everyone there is listening to the same podcast and you're going to have something in common with everyone sitting next to you and sometimes that doesn't even happen that doesn't happen in many places I think podcasts are really special in that way yeah that you look left and right and you'll be able to ask someone what was your favorite podcast and and everyone will have an episode or a time of the podcast that helped them and the fact that i get to tour the podcast i'll be interviewing 15 surprise guests in 15 cities i'm so excited for it so at new york in new york we're at the theater at msg i'm coming yes i would love for you to be there i'm definitely please come and join uh in la we're at the greek theater and then we're going to Chicago, Vancouver, Toronto, Dallas, Colorado, Miami, Dallas.

1:23:18Jay Shetty:San Francisco is on the list. Seattle, Chicago, Boston. Is there anywhere you're not going? We'll try and do more, but we're starting with these 15. It's incredible. You're such a powerhouse. And I'm excited for people to feel this. Yeah, it'll be fun to feed us. Because there's just like... It's different. It's different. This is, it's a vibration. Like you leave feeling shifted. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm so excited for you. Congratulations. Can't wait to see you there. I'm coming. Yeah, love to have you there. Amazing. If you loved this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life by changing your brain.

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