They Weren't The One For You and That's Ok (8 Steps to Breakthrough Heartbreak)

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2:10That's c-a-l-m dot com forward slash j-a-y for 40 % off. Calm your mind, change your life. and that's the interesting thing about this idea that they weren't for you and by the way you weren't for them either we often think i'm the perfect person for them they're never going to find someone like me sure they're never going to find someone like you but you weren't the person for them either the number one health and wellness podcast jay shetty jay shetty he won the only jay shetty hey everyone welcome back to on purpose thank you so much for joining me whether you're on a walk, whether you're cooking, whether you're with a friend, whether you're driving, wherever you are, thank you for tuning in.

2:51Thanks for being here. And I'm guessing you tuned in because someone in your life sent this episode to you or you saw the title and thought to yourself, I've been there. I'm there right now. I know how that feels. I'm here to remind you that they weren't the one for you and that's okay. I speak to so many people every week who tell me that they thought they were so close to having found true love, to having found the one, to having met their partner and for some reason it didn't work out. Some of these people had been together for years and they were waiting for this person to propose and when they shared their ultimatum the person walked away.

3:41Some of these people thought everything was on track until one day their partner turned around and said, I don't think this is working anymore. And for some people, they were engaged to be married and their person turned around and said, I'm not in love with you anymore. Now, all of these things are hard because you built up the belief that someone was meant for you. And what a lot of us don't realize is that we start believing someone is the one for us, even before they agree or commit to it. How many of you have seen yourself future tripping? You meet someone and you're already thinking about your wedding day.

4:24You're thinking about having kids together. You're thinking about moving in. You're thinking at least three steps ahead. How many of you are feeling the pressure that the next person you meet has to be the one, must be the one because you feel you're getting old time's ticking we put all these artificial pressures on ourself only to make ourselves believe that someone is our person and when that person takes away that thought that belief that idea we're often left broken and broken hearted. And I'm here to remind you that they weren't the one for you. And that's okay. They didn't want to love you.

5:08And that's okay. They didn't want to show up for you. And that's okay. They didn't want to be there for you. And that's okay. Because they weren't the one for you. and you're okay and you'll be okay because you're still here for yourself because a no from someone else doesn't have to feel like a rejection of your true self because someone walking away from you doesn't mean you have to abandon yourself as well and I think this is one of the biggest challenges I see is that when someone walks away from us, when someone chooses a different route, we start to follow them on their path, wondering why they left us, not realizing that we're leaving ourselves behind as well.

6:06Don't leave yourself behind following someone else who wasn't meant for you. I want to guide you through how to deal with that heartbreak, to how to reconcile this idea that someone wasn't for you when you felt that they must have been the person for you. The first thing I want to talk about is a beautiful quote from Maya Angelou. She said, when people show you who they are, believe them. Let me say that again. Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are, believe them. How many of you made excuses for this person? how many of you constantly created justifications for their actions behaviors mindsets attitude communication style i mean i could go on and on and on how many of you would jump on the phone to your friend and your friend would say something like yeah they were a bit off that night and you'd be like oh no but they've got lots of stuff going on at work maybe even your parents said something like i'm not sure about this and you're like no no mom you just don't understand right maybe Maybe you had a brother or a sister who just said, look, I can just sense that.

7:18And you stopped them. You said, no, I'll stop you right there. This is my person. A lot of us duped ourselves. A lot of us deceived ourselves. And yes, that person may have feel like we should do that, but they didn't deceive us. We lied to ourselves about them. right let's really reconcile that for a second so many of us lie about someone else and lie for someone else in order to protect them because we're protecting why we like them let's just talk about that for a second we try and protect someone's reputation because subconsciously we're trying to protect our own we're trying to protect the reason we like them we're trying to protect the reason we're with them we're trying to protect the reason we feel that way and often what I find is that we've tried to protect a perfect image of someone else when in reality what we experience from them is completely different but the thing is when you repeat that pattern when you keep protecting this perfect image of them you start to believe that's who they are and so when they walk away or it doesn't work out or it doesn't pan out that way you're left thinking wait a minute, but they were so great.

8:34They loved me. They were amazing. But really, you were the one justifying. You were the one creating excuses. You were the one making it feel like it was going in the right direction. So how do we deal with this? Because that story and that narrative in our mind is intoxicating, right? It feels great to tell ourselves that story. We found the one. It's working out. We love them. They love us. How do we not do the opposite? A lot of us experience the opposite, where we get really cynical, right? No matter what someone does, we go, oh, they're not my person. Oh, no, no, they're not right for me.

9:07Oh, no, no. We self-sabotage, right? So there's two sides to this coin. One side is they're the perfect person. I'm going to protect that image. The other side is they're not my person, no matter how great it is. And both of those lead to pushing people away or people walking away. And the balanced view is, well, no, let me get a realistic view of what story they're telling me. They're showing me that sometimes they prioritize me and sometimes they prioritize work. Okay, am I good with that? They're showing me that actually they never prioritize me and they only prioritize work. Okay, let me make note of that.

9:47They're showing me that they value me when it's convenient. They're showing me that they love to show up for the physical intimacy and when things are great but when things are bad they turn away and what you did at that time was just amplify the good focus on the positives now here's the challenge right we're scared of becoming cynical but then the other end is we become celebratory about all the little tiny things they do well and we don't find that balance that balance comes by truly taking it for what it is and observing whether we like that whether it works for us number two they never showed up when it mattered they weren't the one for you and that's okay because they never showed up when it mattered think about someone who whenever it was tough whenever it's hard they weren't the first person you called they weren't the first spend and be there.

10:47Actually, they found a way to duck out every time and they had good reasons for it. Now, that's not the kind of person you want to build a life with. That's not the kind of person that you want to grow with because what you practice before commitment is what you receive after commitment, right? It doesn't really change. People think the big wedding day, the marriage changes behavior. It doesn't always, it rarely does. It continues as is. And if anything, it may even dissolve. Now, it's harder when you look back and you think, well, they always showed up when it mattered. Maybe they helped you through a really tough time in your life.

11:27Maybe they helped you through a really difficult time and you're thinking, they must be my person. They helped me through that time. Well, maybe they were just with you to help you through that time. maybe they were just there to guide you through that difficult time and that was their role in your life and I know that made you believe that that they must want to be around forever that it must work out forever but it's accepting that they actually helped you in your time of need and that was beautiful it's not a negative thing it's not a horrendous thing but they were there for you when it mattered.

12:02And you can accept that, you can receive that, and you can appreciate that as it is. Now, this third one's really interesting. They weren't the one for you, and that's okay because they told you they had healed, but you realized they hadn't. A lot of the time, maybe you got back with an ex, maybe things took you away, maybe you got back together. Maybe this is someone that presented them in a certain way and they said, hey, I've healed. I've grown. I'm a different person now. And you thought, yes, this must be my person. They've been through a transition. They've been through a transformation.

12:39We're made for each other. It's going to work out. And they weren't the one for you because they hadn't healed. And so you built up a picture of the version of themselves that they said was healed. And you imagined a life with that version you imagined a life with that character and that's sadly what it was it was a character from a movie but in reality they weren't there so they weren't the one for you that character was that image was again and so you start to notice how more often than not the one that was for you was an image you built or an image they built for you and in reality they weren't the want for you.

13:21So what do you do with that information? You remind yourself that they weren't for you because it was a character they built, the version they told you they were. You recognize that, you sit with that, as uncomfortable as it is, to recognize that the person you wanted to be with didn't actually exist. And it frees you from that constant thought analysis of, they were the one, I know they were, they could have been that, They said it. They knew it. And this all comes back down to a realization of how we spend so much time in what if instead of what is.

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15:21Number four, they weren't the one for you because they kept saying, we can't do this, when actually what they meant is they couldn't. A lot of people will say, look, I don't think this is good for us anymore. I don't think we're right for each other. I don't think we're willing to do what it takes. I don't think we have what it takes to last. They're speaking on your behalf. If you've ever had a partner who's spoken on your behalf or used the word we to summarize their feelings, use the word us to summarize their emotions, they weren't the one for you. Because what they're saying is, I'm scared of acknowledging.

16:03I don't have the courage to actually express how I feel, so I'm going to make it about both of us. I don't have the guts to take accountability and responsibility for how I'm feeling. And therefore, I'm going to make it our feeling. And guess what? You'd read that and you'd even think at one point, yeah, maybe I'm not cut out for this. You know what? Maybe they're right. And maybe you even reflected on yourself and thought, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm the reason they feel this way. And we have to do that reflection. It can be us. There is a middle ground. There is a spot in between where we have to recognize that we have to take accountability.

16:48We have to recognize where we've contributed to this. But I think the mistake becomes when they're getting to choose our emotions about the relationships rather than us getting to share what they are. the reason why this one's really interesting is because their language when you reflect on it will show you what frequency they work on so if your frequency is hey we can solve this hey we can do this hey let's take responsibility hey let's figure it out that's a high vibration frequency if their frequency is we can't do this it's never going to work out that's a low frequency now if your frequency is hey you need to change you need to figure it out that's also a low level frequency.

17:31So in the Bhagavad Gita, it talks about the four types of frequency. The fourth and lowest type of frequency is fear and insecurity. It's where we're either scared of commitment, or we like to make the other person feel scared, or we exercise manipulation and control. Better than that is the frequency of passion where we may want something for someone else. We may demand things, again, not good for the long term, but better than the first one. Above that is the frequency of duty, responsibility, accountability. And above that is the frequency of love and joy and connection. And often what I find in this is that we want to jump from the passionate love to the love love.

18:20We want to jump from here's who I want you to be to can we just be madly in love? And the most important step is the mode of goodness, the frequency of goodness, which is about responsibility and accountability. I find that actually those two are probably the most under-talked about values in a healthy relationship. Can each of us be accountable for our own emotions, our own actions and feelings? and can we take responsibility for how they affect the other person can we take responsibility for re-energizing rejuvenating this relationship accountability and responsibility are things that they didn't have or you didn't have for them and that's the interesting thing about this idea that they weren't for you and by the way you weren't for them either we often think i'm the perfect person for them they're never going to find someone like me sure they're never going to find someone like you, but you weren't the person for them either.

19:17Step number five, you were chasing them the whole time. You'd made up this story in your head that they were better than you, that they were the catch, that they were the one that all your friends and family would approve of. And throughout the time you were with them, and even before you got them, you were chasing them. And even when you were with them, you were chasing them. And often we chase someone before we're with them. We chase someone when we're with them. And then eventually we chase them away. We're running behind someone for so long that they don't know what else to do but run away.

19:55We're running after someone for so long that they continue to run away. And the reason I'm raising that is because if you feel like you're constantly chasing someone, they're not for you. And so often we feel like, yes, I got them. Yes. Like I'm just making it perfect. Yeah. They get it now. Like, oh, I feel a bit safer now. And it's like, no, your person will be peaceful. Your person, you'll feel safe and they'll feel safe. You won't feel like you're constantly chasing them only to chase them away. And I feel so many of us do that. We constantly feel, oh, they're out of my league or they're better than me.

20:37I better do everything to hold on to them. If you're feeling that way, they weren't for you. They're not for you. And that's okay because you've realized, well, I shouldn't be feeling anxious and nervous and on edge and in a lower frequency of fear and insecurity if they're my person. Do I feel peaceful around them? Do I feel stable around them? Do I feel supported around them? Do I like how I feel when I'm around them? If they're making us insecure, fearful, anxious, or if that's who we are and we're not healing that, because often I find that people take their anxious skew into a relationship and reflect it even on someone stable, but hey, if I was triggered that way and I wasn't working on it, they weren't for me either because I've got to heal.

21:27we have to reflect on where we need to heal as much as we keep saying they're not for us we're not for them either number six they made you feel that they were aloof if people always seem detached aloof not committed not connected they weren't for you and that's okay because if someone's already detached that detachment's only going to get stronger there's a couple more things I want to share with you, you were more scared of being alone than you were excited about being with them. Be honest with me for a second. How many of you were in a relationship because you were just scared of being on your own?

22:10You were scared of being lonely. You were scared of being single. And if that was the case and they left, they weren't for you. Because if they were for you, you'd be more excited about being with them than you are scared of being alone now we're all scared of being alone we're all scared of being lonely it's somewhat natural and of course in my book eight rules of love i talk about how you can build that into solitude but we all want to be with someone we want to be connected that's okay but what's not okay is that we're with them out of that fear and insecurity we're with them because of that anxiety we're with someone because of that overwhelming feeling we have of we'd be inadequate and lost without them.

22:55So it's not an excitement. It's not a positive. It's a negative motivator, right? It's a negative drive that's keeping us connected to this person. And that's not for us. We don't want to be with someone because we don't want to be alone. We want to be with them because we love being with them. We enjoy their company. We engage with them. They listen to us. They make us feel seen, heard, and understood. It's a really, really important thing to think about and often we keep saying oh i wish they were for me they were for me we were so good together but the truth is we weren't because you were just with them because you didn't want to be alone and that's a great thing to reflect on and talk to yourself about the eighth and final step that i want to discuss with you is and a lot of people struggle with this one is that they want their partner to open up they want their partner to engaging conversation, but the person could never open up or prioritize meaningful conversations.

23:55They couldn't prioritize the conversations that you knew were integral to the healthy heart of the relationship. And they weren't for you. I think sometimes we don't know our priorities and preferences. And when someone ticks our preferences, we make ourselves believe that they have our priorities and we get our priorities mixed up and I'd focus the other way around where can we focus on our priorities more what are the things that are important to you and these are important things to reflect on when something ends because when something ends we always get focused on the beginning right when something ends we start focusing on how things were at the start.

24:44We often, even maybe to protect ourselves, we hide all the things that were bad for us in the hope that things will work out once again. And I think it's so important in that moment to just say, you know what? I recognize that they weren't for me because we weren't actually getting any of this right. And the reason I'm feeling this way is because I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be single. I don't want to be lost. And I don't want to be confused. But guess what? I've said this before to so many people, I'll say it again, it's better to be sad and single than it is to be sad and with someone because the pain of the baggage, the commitment, the pressure of someone else's mind, the potential of thinking about family, future, all of that kind of stuff creates so much.

25:27I've had so many people say to me they had children because they were trying to save a relationship and it only made it harder. And we make worse decisions that way. I hope this episode helps you be honest with yourself I know that I've been direct but I really want you to reflect on these things and I want to thank you for listening so deeply and please share this with a friend who might need it pass this along there's going to be someone in your life who's heartbroken and hopefully this real talk guides them to their true authentic self and realize that they weren't the one for you and that's okay because there is someone for you and that's not going to be someone who's fully prepped, fully packaged, fully delivered.

26:08It's going to be the person you want to build with and they want to build with you. It's going to be the person that you're willing to put in the work with and they're willing to put in the work for you. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

26:43If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, Save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter. Park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. The day begins at the Chase Sapphire Lounge by the club at Boston Logan Airport. You get the clam chowder. In San Diego, it's tostadas. New York, espresso martini. It's 10 a.m. Why not?

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