TRAVIS BARKER: "My Biggest Fear Actually Happened"

22:20Jay Shetty:Is it right that you learned all of Blink-182's songs for tour in an hour backstage? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, it was crazy. I just sat with them and played in a room. Like I didn't have drums or anything, but we just jammed, kind of like air drummed. And I listened and watched everything. Wow. Yeah. And then played our first show. It was incredible. It was incredible. Did you make any mistakes? I was so dialed in and I was so on his own to like pull this off. Also, like, I feel like the way I grew up and the discipline I had, even on myself, even after my mom passed away, was to like not get ready, but to stay ready and be ready for like situations like that.

23:00Jay Shetty:Did you feel scared at all? Of course. I mean, before every show, like to this day, if I go play a show, there's like a good kind of scared, like a good nervous energy. like you want to kill it yeah you can yeah so the next three shows were amazing and then they had come to me and said we love playing with you like would you would you consider being on our band it's kind of like a girl approaching you but she's still in a relationship sort of and I was like well something happens to your drummer like hit me up I'd love to you know I love playing with you guys and then maybe a week or two later it was my first show and yeah the rest is history I love what you said about staying ready and being ready for an opportunity like that because all of us may get an opportunity like that sometimes in our life and if we're not ready you miss the audition you don't show up to set you don't turn up to the interview you say no to the introduction and then your whole life takes a different trajectory just because you weren't ready and you didn't stay ready i'm still like that i'm still i'll be practicing tonight and my kids are like, why are you practicing?

24:07I'm like, I practice every day. Like if there's, you know, unless time doesn't permit and I'm just really, really, you know, I have so much going on with the kids, but I'd love to have an hour or two. But if I don't get it, like last night, I didn't have much time. I was with the kids. I was, you know, went to go see my dad and went to my nephew's birthday. And then it was like, I still got 15 minutes in right before I went to bed. My wife's like, are you on the treadmill practicing? And I'm like, yes, I'll be right in. But yeah, just, it feels good and for me like the days i don't practice something feels off what does practicing look like now like what are you practicing it's all sorts of different things like uh i'm actually getting ready to play uh the 50th anniversary for the ramones oh that's cool it's like me tim armstrong from rancid billy joe from green day it's gonna be awesome so um i'm about to start practicing that but then while i'm working on albums i just it's like keeping your chops up It's almost like running three to five miles every day because you know a marathon's coming up.

25:08Yes, yes, yes. You just keep, you know, kind of a small workload always.

25:12Jay Shetty:What was that like, those first few shows, the first couple of years for Blink-182? I mean, that must have been a dream come true. I played those three shows and I came home and I remember I went to go see my pops. And my pops is, he's the best. He's always been really hard on me, but it also 1 ,000 % made me the man I am today. you know my dad was in Vietnam he wrote a Harley Davidson all his life you know he's just uh he's a man's man you know I remember I got home and I said pal I just made like 3 ,500 bucks played three shows he's like you better keep it because you probably won't make it again that was like his attitude you know I think also where I came from our family didn't have money so I think my work ethic also is always like keep pushing because I never want to go back to have nothing you know i never want to be there again and i'm and i pride myself in being able to like buy my dad a house buy my sisters buy my family's houses uh make sure they're all taken care of so it was unreal those those shows like i it it seemed like a dream you know like i was just waiting for someone to smack me and wake me up because it was like too good to be true when did it start to take a toll on you mentally like when when did it start to feel different There never came a time where I didn't love playing in the band.

26:34I love Mark and Tom. Even before I was in the band, I loved hanging out with Mark and Tom. Even though I was in the Aquabats, I would hang out with them too. We had a lot in common. All of the Aquabats were surfers, skateboarders, musicians. I think with Mark and Tom, it was the same way. Even though we weren't in a band, I was hanging with them a lot. So I loved playing in a band with them. I don't think it was until when I got in the band, we're traveling around in a van. we're sleeping on people's floors and you know the band's popular but we're not we're not flying every day or do you know it was a a young punk band also there's no punk bands that really were successful i think green day was successful like right before us and that was that once again was seemed unattainable that's not even it it's so out of reach we didn't even think we could be anywhere close to that.

27:25And then recorded in another state, things took off. We're flying from like radio show to the next radio show to the next radio show, sometimes two flights in a day. I was still okay. I didn't like flying. I never loved flying. I saw my mom at a young age, like when I flew to Chicago, I'd only been on a plane one time. And I saw my mom really reacting to the flight and being really upset because of the turbulence. And I could tell she was afraid. so I didn't love flying I really didn't look forward to it then after I had Landon and I had met Landon's mom and Ateana things started like kind of wearing on me a little bit like I have to go on tour right now or I have to go to play this show and I'm going to be on a plane and I could die and I could not come back to Landon and Ateana and you know that really started wearing on me.

28:22Then mixed with a couple bad flights that made flying worse. That's where things kind of took a fall for me, but it still didn't affect how much I love playing in the band. But I found, I found myself like self-medicating in order to leave my children and, you know, just fly.

28:41Jay Shetty:At what point were you introduced to drugs? Probably right around the time of take off your pants and jacket, like between enema and take off your pants. And it just started with like a Norco or a painkiller just to like mellow me out. But it would get tricky because I couldn't really take them before shows. It was like the opposite of my playing style, like crazy, give it all. Like, so I'd have to be really selective when I could do it. And then it got worse and worse after Alabama was born. And it would be long periods of time being in Europe or Australia or Japan for two months. that's when I kind of just had to medicate to stay to even keep myself on tour and forget that I was away from the kids or whatever else you know I had this reflection a few years ago and it's nothing compared to what musicians do I went on my first world tour and it was 40 cities so it's like 40 cities across I think it was like across three months I was in a different city every other day and we went everywhere from Australia to Europe to Dubai to India to all across North America, but I know music tours are like crazy long.

29:49Jay Shetty:And I was older when I was doing it. Like I went three years ago, I was 35 years old. And I'm like, God, if I was doing this any younger, I totally see how this messes up everyone and leads them towards some sort of coping mechanism. Because I was like, this is hard. And this is tough, like being on the road for this long. You couldn't really tell because I think when you see your favorite artist on stage, obviously it looks like they're having the best time of their life and everything's amazing. yeah and not realizing that the travel the staying in a hotel the loneliness the everything else that comes with it yeah you just said it like and i never thought about it but hotels by yourself for being on tour long periods of time are lonely yeah and then you pinch yourself because you're like dude this was like you didn't even dare to dream this you know so you i'd also struggle with that like i have it made what am i you know like what is it and then the struggle between travis that's in the band that's traveling all over the world that's like this rock star whatever whatever anyone thinks of me and then there's like travis is actually like atiana landon and alabama's dad that was just hard a little bit of identity crisis i think you know because i loved both but I found myself being gone all the time since I was like 21 so yeah touring touring started to take its toll even today when the first thing you came in and you're like talking about the kids and you see you come to life and the joy you feel of being a dad oh I love it yeah yeah it just came it's very natural I'll always be like I'm really really tired but it's so worth it you know what I mean I love it all I mean I love I love making music I love playing drums I love my children.

31:34I couldn't, like, there's nothing more rewarding than being a parent, you know?

31:39Jay Shetty:I like what you're saying about the identity piece, because it sounds like there's almost this friction between, well, I should be grateful because I'm living the dream. Like, I should just be happy about this. But at the same time, it's like, no, I'm on the road and I'm away. And now I'm having to medicate in order to just numb myself. Yeah, and I've seen people who can be on tour. They can't wait to go on tour to get away from their families and get away from home life. That's not me. Like, I'm like, oh, I love home life. I love my kids. Any chance I get, I'll bring them all on tour. Like, I'll literally have my whole family on tour.

32:18It's the best. but as I got older and once I got sober I'm like oh I'm gonna run three to five miles every morning I'm gonna go get something to send back home to the family I'm gonna practice I'm gonna constantly

32:32Jay Shetty:like get better at my skill what was it like afterwards like I think there was a moment we hear about this in the documentary like from the outside it looked like everything was made for Blink-182 but on the inside there were different things going on at the time I can't pick out one thing. I can't be like, it was this one thing that the band broke up over. I think everyone was in a relationship and had their own families. They had their own priorities, their own goals. I mean, we all had priorities. Like my children were always my priority. Even when I was smoking weed and doing drugs, I was only really doing that stuff because I was away from them.

33:09The minute I got home, I'm like, super dad, you know? I know Tom says in the documentary, he was like, my wife wanted me to be home and I needed to take my daughter to school well I had three kids at the time that I needed to take to school you know but it was just touring too much for the band and I think Tom also had like this we had done Boxcar Racer together which was a side band that we did but I think he also just thought maybe he could do it on his own without the band and he needed to go try and figure that out and then the story of our band which everyone knows and all the fans have lived through is is our band breaks up and then i get into a plane crash where you know and then our band gets back together then we break up again and then mark got sick and then our band gets back together again you know um that's why i wrote that song like one more time It was like, literally.

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35:26Jay Shetty:Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This episode is brought to you by ADT. One second, you're enjoying your day off. The next, your phone buzzes. A window's been broken at home. You're miles away. In one second, everything can change. That's why ADT security systems can monitor your home 24-7. They're backed by the most company-operated monitoring centers in the industry. So you're always supported during an emergency. When every second counts, count on ADT. visit adt.com to learn more our band you know in a song before we get to the plane crash which i mean yeah i want to spend a bit of time with that i feel like we see in the documentary that after the band breaks up you like successfully pivot into working across different genres you're working with other artists other producers like you're seeing you go on to you know be prolific musically and then one of the people that you collaborate with is adam goldstein or dj am talk to me about how that collaboration and connection started and what was that relationship like my band had broken up and at the time i was out just in la doing whatever and i'd seen am spin and it was like at a nightclub and he literally played every genre he would go from he'd play like Dilla into Kelly Clarkson into the Beatles into Nirvana and I'm like what he's like you're not allowed to do that and you're not allowed to do that that good and everyone's like jaw dropped he's just so good at the time I was playing with T.I.

37:10I had just played with T.I. T.I. just got out of prison and we opened the BET awards I was I was playing with a lot of rappers right after my band broke up. And then AIM and I were chopping it up and I was like, I feel like there's this, there's this DJ drummer thing that I envision. And I don't, it's never been done before, but I just see you throwing acapellas at me and I'm playing drums, like remixing stuff live with live 808s. I don't know. I just have a vision. We should, we should see, you know? So we came, got a rehearsal space. We jammed for like six hours, didn't say a word to each other, just spoke to our instruments it was it was the best it was magical for someone who grew up loving every genre of music I would say I was happily confused it was the best the most fulfilling musical experiment ever and then we started playing shows played the MTV Music Awards like played Coachella it was so fun that sounds incredible I mean you can see you come to life

38:16Jay Shetty:when you talk about it too. Yeah, it was magic. I imagine that's pretty rare in music where you can collaborate with a lot of people, but then you meet someone and you're just on a different frequency. We were so similar from being sneaker heads to collecting vintage t-shirts to both being girl craze, everything at the time. We shared like a brain. Yeah. It was awesome. And what was your engagement with drugs like at that time? like with addiction, substance abuse? I would call it a really well-functioning drug addict where I could smoke 10 to 20 blunts a day, take a handful of pills a day, and I'd still go running.

38:58I'd still do all my meetings. I'd still go to practice. I was just functioning. A.M., though, I think was already probably 10 years, 15 years sober. Wow. He'd always be like, hey, come to a meeting, you know? I went to a meeting. uh watched him talk in a meeting one time it was amazing it was beautiful i remember at the time i was i was contemplating like leaving my relationship i was in this place where i'm on tour i'm i'm medicating to be on tour to leave my children when i get home my partner at the time wanted let's go on party right when i'd get home and it was the opposite of what i wanted to do I was never out partying or going out to bars or clubs when I was on tour.

39:43I was just self-medicating to get through being gone. So when I came home from tour, I never wanted to go out. I never wanted to drink. I just wanted to lock in with the kids. And we were disagreeing a lot. And Adam had said, because I had said, man, I don't know. I think I might be done. And he would challenge me. would say you got to be sober for 48 hours before you make any like big decisions you need to just completely be sober and then we'd also see uh this this one therapist that also helped with alcohol abuse and narcotics and stuff so i would go see him we'd actually go see him together so he was just such a good influence on me he was more than just someone i jammed with he was like a

40:28Jay Shetty:dear friend it's so beautiful to hear about that and i imagine he seems like a good influence too like a positive. The best, yeah. That was the only way we were really different is because I wasn't sober. I wanted to take you back to September 2008, which you were referring to earlier. And at least in the dark, it feels like it's a typical night. You and Adam are playing a show in South Carolina, I think it was. And then you left for the airport to go home. I want you to take me back to that moment in the documentary where you're pulling up to this plane, which is normal for you, but you kind of sense in that moment that something doesn't feel quite right.

41:06Yeah.

41:06Jay Shetty:Can you take me back to that moment? Well, I mean, that show to begin with was like, it was a show that I had like right before like that, that weekend, I think it was on a weekend. It was like on a Saturday or Sunday, but when Thursday came around, I had said to my manager, is it too late to just pull out? Like, I don't really need to do this. You know, it was summer I think and I was just so content with being home with the kiddos and he's like bro you can't cancel this late you know so I ended up flying out there I had a pretty good flight out there honestly I went with me and little Chris and Che and it wasn't bad but it was a planned flight it was a nicer private plane I never loved flying on private planes but I think they had it was in our deal, you know?

41:58So I was like, okay, fly out there. And when I leave and I say bye to Bama, she also calls it and she's young at the time. She's three or four years old. She's like, dad, don't go. And she's bawling. And she doesn't usually do that. She's like, the roof's going to come off. The roof's going to come off. And I'm like, what is she talking about? Like to the point where I like went back in the house and I was like, what's going on, baby? Like, you know, I get there, play our show, and then we're supposed to leave the next morning. But everyone else that was with me kind of was like, was in a hurry to get home.

42:34So we booked a private plane, super last minute. There's usually a bunch of hoops to jump through to book me a plane. Because even back then without an accident, I was like, who's the pilots? Has the plane been maintenanced? What's the, you know i want to know everything and none of that stuff happened oh it wasn't checked that day no i mean the to to the best of of their ability but it was so last minute and i and no one's thinking you know because at this time everyone's like trav realistically you're never going to get in a plane crash stop you know every flight i'd be on like mark and tom even would be you know before that they'd be like dude why are you white knuckling like i would have a rosary that i would hold on to.

43:20That was my mom's rosary. And I was like, it took everything in me to fly where like when we land, I'd be like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I felt like just so grateful to be, you know, back on land. There was no protocol. I don't believe we just booked something. I think we get to the airport around 11 or midnight. It's foggy. We show up to the airport. we pass by all the planes that are near the runway at this private airport. And then there's one plane in the distance that's really small. And we pull up to that plane. And I'm like, this can't be our plane. There's no way. And then they're like, yep, this is the plane.

44:04To the point where I call my dad and show him the plane and my pal, I have an awful feeling. like this, I just, I don't know, this plane's small, pal. I feel weird. And I remember I was like upset where my dad was like, come on, like you're, you're going to be okay. Got on the plane. It was one of those planes that's so small that the, the two pilots, like one of the pilots is basically your flight attendant, closes the door and then goes in the, in the cockpit, you know? And then, yeah, the rest is history. But I knew, I knew before, like to the point where I was like, something feels off. I even told my dad, if something happens to me, please make sure the kids are taken care of.

44:42Please make sure. Like I was saying way too much. Like all the signs were there for like now older me would just say, I think I'm not going to get on the plane.

44:53Jay Shetty:Yeah. Trust your body. Yeah. But everything was there. Everything. And you've always had this fear anyway, because you don't want to be away from the kids. You were worried that what would happen to the kids if something ever happened to you. And then, but in this moment specifically, you're feeling like this extra weight and heaviness. Yeah. I even call it out and talk about it. You know, my dad and saying like, you're going to be fine. Like you're going to be good boy. Like get on the plane, you know? And I'm like bawling, which is so out of character for me. I'm like, I don't know, pal. Like I just feel, I don't know.

45:24And I never felt like that before.

45:26Jay Shetty:Your documentary shows the 911 footage from the night of the crash. and we can hear you as well. You've jumped off the plane with almost your entire body on fire. I can't even imagine being like conscious in that when the plane's exploding behind you. Like, just walk me through what you can even remember of that horrific moment. I had self-medicated like I always do right before the flight. I was kind of just waiting for takeoff. There's no communication. So no one's going to be like, okay, we're getting ready to take off because they're all in the front. Chris is sleeping. Chase sleeping. I think Adam's sleeping.

46:00I'm wide awake. And then we take off. There's like just a huge loud noise that sounded like gunshots. And the plane spirals out of control. We take off, but there's like smoke filling our cabin. we're going up we're going down and we're like hitting hitting the runway and then going back up hitting the runway and there's full fire in the in the cabin by by then I was just waiting for lights out I was like okay I'm this is really happening I just couldn't believe it my biggest fear is is like happening um which still I feel it feels like a movie to me it doesn't even feel real. And I'm just holding on, embracing myself.

46:46I have my seatbelt on, obviously. By this time, I can't even see in front of me. We keep going up in the air, and then we finally go down one last time, and we hit an embankment. And I'm still awake, and I'm alive. And there's fire all around me. So my instinct is to get out of the plane. I try going forward to try to get to AM and Che and my hands catch fire in my arms. I'm panicking because I'm on fire. I go to my left. I shake AM. AM wakes up and there's no fire near AM. I open the emergency exit. I jump right into the jet. That's where all the fuel is. My whole body catches fire. And then I run.

47:36I'm like running against the highway and I just strip I just try taking my clothes off and after I don't know how many feet of running a long time I just hear someone go stop drop and roll which I never thought about once and I stop drop and roll am comes because my socks are just soaked in jet fuel and he's like patting out my my feet and um a few I don't know a few minutes later the plane blows up. And then that's probably right around the time the police footage, like their dash cam footage is. And then it's, you know, being taken to a burn center in six months in a burn center. It's crazy.

48:23Jay Shetty:This episode is brought to you by Amazon Health. Before this podcast continues, I need you to fill out 37 forms about your listening history. Oh, wait. Forget it. That would be ridiculous. Yeah, we all do it every time we need healthcare. But the new Amazon Health AI is different. It can connect your symptoms with your medical history to offer personalized care 24-7. Amazon Health AI is here. Healthcare just got less painful. Even hearing you describe that now, I just get chills because it's just such a, so painful to hear even, especially with the other people. on the plane as well. And then I'm like, what is the first few days and weeks look like for you in the burn center?

49:10I'm in Augusta first. And I remember little things in Augusta. I remember Mark and his wife coming to visit me. I remember my dad being there. I remember kids setting up drum kits outside the hospital. And I could hear drumming, which was pretty cool. And I was so out of it, but it's amazing. I can still remember that. They basically had suggested I get to Grossman Burn Center in LA because it was the best burn center. And I had about 70 % of my body burnt.

49:43Jay Shetty:70 %? Yeah. So I got on a bus and I traveled via bus with the doctor and a nurse because I couldn't fly. Got to Grossman Burn Center. Remember they couldn't get my pain medication right because I was self-medicating for so long that their pain medication would do nothing for me. So you'd still be in pain? Yeah. So I was an awful patient. I felt really bad. I was not a great patient in the beginning because I would wake up during surgeries and I wouldn't know what's happening. I thought, I don't know what you think. You think someone's attacking you. You're just in pain. There's all these people around you.

50:23So I think I swung on Dr. Grossman who saved my life. you know so I was like I was just so out of it and he he later told me he's like it's because you had been self-medicating for so long I couldn't get your your pain meds right I was there for a long time I think I had 30 something surgeries while I was there um I didn't really understand the severity of everything I didn't know everything that had happened they had to tell me that Chris and Shay passed away in the plane crash I thought I would ask where they are in the hospital and if I could go see him I wasn't in a good place and I was so medicated I didn't really know what was going on so like yeah it was hard being in there and um missing

51:05Jay Shetty:their funerals because you were in hospital yeah I'm in I'm in the hospital and then then they're like you know we might have to we might have to amputate your foot so you have all these thoughts when you're able to process your thoughts in there when I had those moments I would just be like what the you know like how how did this happen you're just in disbelief you know and like when I think about I wasn't just a patient that was like 70 % burn I was like dealing with loss you know two of my best friends I was also like the trauma of being in a plane crash was like I was talking to a post-traumatic doctor all the time the thing that would have been probably the most healing would have been to see my kids, but I couldn't see them because I was like basically a huge open wound, you know?

51:59So it was difficult.

52:02Jay Shetty:How long before you saw your kids that time? Do you remember? I think about three months in, I was able to, they were able to come outside on a balcony and I was able to see them for a little bit, but that was the hardest thing. I felt like as soon as I got out of the burn center, when I was with them, that was like, that was my strength. How was it, having been so close to death, like how did that change how you feel about living? I was struggling with survivor's guilt. That was hard to comprehend, like how I was supposed to be. It wasn't actually until recently where I could finally be like, okay, live in their honor and do what would make them proud.

52:47Jay Shetty:What changed recently for you to realize that? I got to a place where, you know, I didn't fly for 20 years and something hit me one day. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm living the whole rest of my life since the plane crash, like not flying. And I'm like, this thing has like so much power over me. If there's like one thing I got to figure out, I got to figure that out. I don't even know what to compare it to, but I would wake up and I would think about it. whether it would be the band saying hey you have like this offer to go play here or I mean that's what it usually was in the beginning but I would really I'd be like I don't care about any shows I don't care about whatever my kids didn't fly we were on buses 24 7 or on boats I would take the Queen Mary 2 from New York to London so I was fine with it but then there was this piece of me burning inside that was just wanted to fight.

53:46And I was like, so pissed off. And I was like, I can't, I can't die like this, you know? And around the time, not to skip around, but like Courtney and I had like really connected my wife and she was like, oh, there's so many places I want to go with you and take you. And I'm like, I don't fly, you know, in my head, I'm thinking she was so cool. She was like, no, they're all places. Like we can go on your tour bus too, we can drive too. So we were massage therapist that I was working with all the time she's like you know like I can always like give you like treatments but like you have a lot of trauma I can tell by massaging you you should try doing breath work because you might release all this trauma and she's like all the trauma and stuff that you're holding on to can also like cause cancer over time and she just i don't know for whatever reason whatever she said to me it really stuck so between like breath work the one desire for my kids to fly and for me to fly again i just said it one day i said to my wife said if you ever have like an idea of somewhere you want to fly that we can't like drive to or take a boat just book it don't tell me about it and i'll do it but i don't want to know too much because I don't want to talk myself out of it.

55:07So that's just what we did. I just said it one day.

55:11Jay Shetty:And with the healing, I mean, I feel like being, like you said, an open wound, I mean, and having 70 % of your body burned, that sounds like one of the most painful six-month healing processes. It was the worst. Being on fire or the process of skin grafts, I think we share a little bit of photos in my documentary, but we couldn't include most of it because it's too graphic. it's awful and it's an awful process to go through all the surgeries and everything i'm grateful that i i got through it all and dr grossman like saved my life um they say when i got in there it was life-threatening yeah grateful and most of the people i was in the burn center with were kids which really bummed me out just cooking accidents and stuff like that i just saw i saw the worst stuff that building i was in is off van nuys in los angeles in the valley and it's no longer a hospital, but I can drive by there and look at that building and I can just be there, you know?

56:11Jay Shetty:There's a quote of yours in the documentary where you say, I was suicidal when I was in the hospital. I'll transfer any amount of money, just kill me. Talk to me about the darkest day you had as you were recovering and how did you even begin to pull through that? That was about the time where I found out Che and Chris weren't in another room at the hospital. I had lost it. And then the doctors not really being able to give me a time when I'd get out, couldn't see my kids, amputate my foot. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I was just looking for something. And at the time, I knew Skinhead Rob, who was in the transplants with me, or one of my buddies.

56:56I was like, just please uh like i can't do this i feel like literally living in hell you know obviously now when i think back it's the last thing i'd want to do is be away from my children or go out like that but it was just desperation it was like i said no light at the end of the tunnel

57:15Jay Shetty:were you and adam supporting each other because you'd both survived was there a i think he had about six percent of his body burnt and he was only burnt because he was nice enough to try to pat me out and he ended up like getting burnt by his neck or something he was in and out of the burn center in a week and he was flying again which i just i couldn't even believe that i was like he's doing what it also gave me hope and i was i was proud of him but i i couldn't even process that he was flying when we got out him and i would spend a lot of time just talking about what each of us remembered from the accident he'd also looked into this treatment where we could retrain our brains where we'd hopefully like forget what happened i think he actually did treatment and uh i had said there's no way i'm ever gonna look down at like my hands my legs or forget what happened because i lost and my two best friends there's there's not a scenario where i forget how how they left me you know i'm sorry for your loss again man it's um It's unfathomable.

58:26Jay Shetty:Thank you. No one can imagine and really empathize with what that feels like to lose your two best friends in that way. Yeah, it's like probably the 10th interview I've done on it. It's like it gets better every time, but it's like, I don't know. I don't think it'll be something I can ever just talk about and, you know, not be affected by it or something, you know? It's not like it gets easier every time, but I don't think it'll be ever something I can just breeze through, you know? Does it help talking about it and remembering it or remembering them? Yeah, I mean, I feel like it gets easier every time, but it's still, you know, it's still like a wound you open back up.

59:15Jay Shetty:I think the hardest part about it all, and I mean, this is, you know, when you're watching the documentary it's like and then you find out that adam passes away too it's that moment where you're like what like how can you possibly live through each and every one of these moments and of course those individuals and the people that love them and the people they loved going through that as well i'm just that that part in the documentary for me is like you know the worst yeah it's still the worst for me too you know in the documentary it starts with my mom, which is still hard. The accident, Chris and Che, obviously the two pilots too.

59:55And then Adam, the one person who's like this main character in my life, who's always such an inspiration and so positive and just being a great example, you know, being a great friend and um also being sober and trying to get me sober you know the whole time we're friends and stuff it's just yeah it's like the the worst ending to that movie you know especially it's because we

1:00:24Jay Shetty:we learned in the documentary that he was prescribed to get back on xanax right to fly again yeah it's like what i talked about when i'm in the hospital and he's flying but i don't know he's been prescribed Xanax and I don't think anyone around him knows. You mentioned survivor's guilt. I was like, how do you even begin to process that at the time? Because you're going through physical pain, there's emotional trauma, there's an intuitive sense that you knew you shouldn't have got on the plane. I mean, and then you've got the loss of friends and a loss of, as you said, the main character friend in your life.

1:01:03Jay Shetty:Like it's, it's almost like, how does one person even carry all of this? When I think about it, I feel like I was just bleeding out at that point. I was like, I was done. You know, it was like, I couldn't even get one thing to try to get over before there was, you know, there was like, there was so much happening all at once. There was my accident. There was like the loss of my friends and everyone in that plane. And then and Adam, and then thinking about little Chris's family that he left behind. There was so much. Thinking of everyone's family, everyone left behind. Being a great godfather to little Chris's son, who's my godson, and having a great relationship with Chris's mom, Linda, and chase mom Thelma and keeping AM's legacy alive that's like the best I can do you know or it feels like I'm working with them like honoring them yeah for sure I'm happy that you've been able to reframe that to being honoring them because it's evident how important they are to you and how much of an influence they've had on you and how you carry them in such high esteem And that's what comes across in the documentary.

1:02:22Jay Shetty:Even today as I'm sitting with you, I'm like, yeah, these are people that you deeply, deeply love. They also give me strength. And I feel like Breathwork definitely helped me. The power of love with my wife and my children helped me. But I also feel like they helped me and they're with me. And that's why I fly again. I say the same thing about my mom. I'm like, there's no way I got in one of the most successful bands. And I got so blessed to be able to tour the world for like the last however many years. Like I feel like when people pass away, they are with you. How do you experience that today?

1:02:58Jay Shetty:How do you, how do you feel their presence today in that way? I don't know. I've always felt like that. Do you talk to them or no, that's not. I always like, before I go on show on stage or play shows, I always, I have a prayer list. That's, that's so long, you know, but when people pass. I feel like they're with me. I don't feel like I ever forget about them or I don't feel like they weren't, they're not here anymore because they usually had such a big effect on my life, you know, left such an impression on me that I keep that with me. That fully resonates and I think you're definitely honoring them by sharing their influence on your life right now.

1:03:37Yeah, especially with the flying i was like if the roles were reversed and it was me the last thing i'd want to do is see like am not fly again i'd be like get your ass on that plane you know what i mean like you can't you can't let that determine the rest of your life what about your life today would surprise travis from 20 years ago the most i've learned to not think i have life all figured out or what can happen or what's possible or not possible. I never thought I would be a new father, you know, so an amazing little human that I am now. Yeah, congrats. I never thought I would be married again or I would have fallen in love again.

1:04:21It's the most, you know, beautiful thing ever. Or I would have children in their 20s, you know, or how things would be. I would say my children in their 20s, there's not an age where it gets old or you don't feel like the same love you have for being their father. It's just sort of never-ending. It's awesome.

1:04:42Jay Shetty:I mean, you and Courtney had known each other for years before you ever started dating. What made you know that the timing was right to shift into that phase of your relationship? Just like life happened. I can't explain it. We've lived down the street from each other for years, and my life before her was 20-hour studio days, spend as much time as I can with the kids, get back to the studio. There was no relationship in my life. There was no love in my life. I still felt fulfilled. I felt complete because I got so much love from my children. I mean, I love music. I love music. Music is, I couldn't survive without music.

1:05:22I feel like it's when you're in that kind of flow with life that something like that can happen to you. I would just work out with Court. I would see her more and more. almost to the point where you feel so comfortable. It was like, I definitely had stages where I had a crush on her or I like thought about her, but then we were seeing each other so often. I was like, Oh, I'm also cool with like having this really good female friend in my life. That's my workout, you know, friend and we work out all the time and we do Halloween together, Christmas. It was, I don't know. There was also nothing broken about what was going on right there.

1:06:00It was, it was already a special relationship and then I think I was always reluctant to take it to another place because I didn't want to harm such a beautiful friendship I had with her so she did it she just said something she just said something one day and uh led to us like hanging out you know and fell in love so quick we were pregnant within months you know with our first baby that we had a miscarriage with. But I always knew, and all my friends knew too. My friends used to be like, you in court when that happens? And her and her friends used to always say that to her too. But it was undeniable.

1:06:41Jay Shetty:I mean, I've had a lot of friends in the last 12 months go through miscarriages. I mean, that must have been exceptionally difficult as well to go through. Yeah, I'd never been through one. And we weren't actively trying to have a baby. but when you know you have one and you're starting the process of going to the doctors and you're looking at ultrasounds, it's, I mean, anyone who's a mother or father, you know how precious that is in that whole time. I mean, having a child is a miracle. It makes you, if you don't believe in God, you better start after you have a child because it's a miracle, you know?

1:07:18That was a hard thing to go through, especially six months into our relationship. But it just made us stronger and kind of really let us know that we wanted a child together.

1:07:27Jay Shetty:Take me to that moment that you and Courtney welcomed Rocky into the world. You know, I had to come home from Europe about eight months into her pregnancy because they said he couldn't breathe and one of his lungs wasn't working. So I literally had flown to Europe and I flew back an hour later. And they went and did the surgery where they released all the fluid in his lung. and I was saying I had prepared for the worst. I honestly thought I was coming home from tour to say goodbye. And this one was going to be really hard because he was eight months. I already knew what his name was. I was just preparing.

1:08:07And I had the worst flight from Europe where we didn't have internet on the plane for some reason. They're like, our internet's not working. And I was like, oh, you got to be kidding me. You got to be kidding me. and she was having surgery. I wasn't going to make the surgery, but I was going to be there right afterwards. And then he made it through the surgery. I think I was still broken from the miscarriage where I was afraid to get too attached to the idea that he was going to make it. And then he fucking made it. And it was the most beautiful thing ever. And I'm so attached to him. I don't know if it's because he's a Scorpio and he's born the same month as me, but he's just, I mean, every one of my children is like a blessing from God, but it's, to be 50 years old and have a two and a half year old makes me feel like I'm like 20 all over again.

1:09:01And he inspires me to be better, just like all my children inspire me to be better. When Lana was born, I started running to the freeway and back, started boxing. Like every child has made me better and there's just nothing like it.

1:09:17Jay Shetty:Comes naturally to you, it feels like being a dad. I love being a dad. My parents were so amazing, my mom and dad, I just, it's easy to me. What led to your decision to go sober as well? What did that journey look like for you? When I was in a burn center and I suddenly wasn't self-medicating anymore and I'm on so much morphine and so much drugs. All I could think about is getting out of there and never taking anything again. So I went from self-medicating to fly, taking a ton of opiates and smoking a bunch of weed in order to be gone and be on tour and fly and be away from my children to being in a plane crash and having the biggest wake-up call in my life, being in a burn center for six months having 30 surgeries being in the worst pain of my life not being aware of anything for six months because i was on so much meds that when i got out i never wanted to do anything again yeah my plane crash was my rehab my my time to get sober it was everything to me yeah something so life defining i don't know where i'd be without my plane crash it might even still be using drugs um might still be self-medicating to fly i hate my plane crash but it's also a part of me like i can't imagine life without it i think sometimes we have this weird view of turning hard moments into like oh that was you know it's like no no no it's it's the worst it was like you know it's just a part of your life it's not doesn't need to be glorified.

1:10:57Jay Shetty:It's terrible and painful and horrific and people died. Yeah, I can't think of anything positive out of it. I only can say I now accept it which took me a long time. What was your first plane ride like that you took after that? It was to Mexico City with Court and her mom and her mom's boyfriend and it was like the smoothest You know, my documentary almost didn't come out. I almost didn't let it come out. It was finished in 2017. Oh, no way. The pitch to me for the ending was, can you just go walk on a plane? And at the time, I couldn't. Like, the plane equals death to me. I couldn't even walk near a plane.

1:11:44It equals, like, what almost killed me, what killed two of my best friends, and, like, also had, you know, affected, like, AM, too. I had so many bad memories. My kids, I went to an aviation field trip with Alabama, and I couldn't walk on the plane. My daughter couldn't even walk on the plane. So when they had pitched that to me, I'm like, that's not, I can't do that. They're like, well, you have no ending to your documentary. So I'll put my documentary out when I'm dead. Like, I don't, that's not the ending. That's another thing that triggered me to be like, not flying has so much power over you.

1:12:23It has power over your whole life, where you go, how you travel. So that was really big. When I flew again, and my kids flew again, it was a major life change. It was like this valve got opened that had been closed for so many years. All these misconceptions of what flying would be like, none of it existed. It was fine. It was the smoothest flight. There was no tragedy. there was no trauma there was no no one got hurt it was like nothing that I had painted it out to be because of my last experience how did you build the courage up to even walk in again was that the breath work there sober yes sober I didn't take anything to fly I did breath work leading up to I did breath work about six or seven times leading up to it which I would just bawl my eyes out for hour, you know, each time, like I had no control over it.

1:13:22And I connected with little Chris in it. I connected with my mom. It was so therapeutic for me. And I just got to this place where I told myself, I just got to have faith. It's just like this fear that I've made up. It doesn't exist.

1:13:38Jay Shetty:You talked about this earlier about the band and I had a lyric from One More Time that I love. So you saying one more time do I have to die to hear you miss me do I have to die to hear you say goodbye I don't want to act like this tomorrow I don't want to wait to do this one more time I feel like what you were saying of this back and forth and how that song is almost like the heartbeat of the band I wanted to ask you like what does it mean to be able to go back and play with Mark and Tom and have that opportunity and to have had so many moments of splitting up and getting back together? Oh, it's beautiful.

1:14:14I mean, the band is like, it's so important to all three of us. And I think now that we're in this position where we've gotten, we've broken up and we've gotten back together so many times, like you figure out a lot about yourself and you figure out a lot about the other people you you're either in a marriage with or in a band with. Band's a lot like a marriage. I feel like Blink's got into this really, really healthy spot where we understand one another and we'll never take the band for granted again.

1:14:45Jay Shetty:And of course, Mark's experience as well. It's like, yeah, it's like everyone's going through something in a marriage, in a band, in a team, whatever it may be. And it's almost like everyone's lesson is kind of saying the same thing, which is like, this is rare. When people watch this documentary, which I hope they do for so many reasons that I can think why it's an important watch, whether they're a blink 182 fan whether they're a you know travis barker fan and even beyond that just i think if you're someone who wants to see someone who's lived and experienced and been resilient through incredible difficulty i think just from an understanding life point of view the documentary is powerful if there was one message that you'd want people to walk away from watching this documentary what would you say is the kid who was like me who didn't have anything that didn't think things were attainable or almost felt guilty for dreaming.

1:15:40There's parts of my documentary, me being a child and me having this dream to play music that tells you it is possible and it's okay to dream and you will succeed and you can't give up. You know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My parents weren't music executives. It was just hard work. It was hard work and determination and being relentless. I think for anyone who's experienced tragic loss, I think it's a beautiful story of not letting it destroy you, but let it make you stronger. And just anyone who's afraid, anyone who's living in fear, I feel like it's a good watch for anyone who wants to kick that fear and shows you how powerful you can be.

1:16:28You don't let these things determine you and you don't let them break you. All of it just is life lessons and it makes you stronger.

1:16:35Jay Shetty:I mean, that theme's really come across today of you talking about how much your fear owned you. It had owned me completely, had so much power over me. And I was so good just being like this. And I'm like, no, I'm making records in the studio and my kids are whatever. We're taking boats and we're doing whatever. I was just like, but then there's this thing and I'm like, I'm going to deal with you at some point. I feel like those hard things are like the life changing things. it's hard but and we all have a fear that's owning us all of us all of us have one and so but the hard stuff's the good stuff you know it'll be huge it'll be uh you know monumental if you if you can face those fears and and you just yeah like me personally my my entire life's changed you know in a way i never thought was possible yeah we have to run towards what we're avoiding I always say like, that's why I like running so much.

1:17:31Like some people like kind of waking up, going through their day and just like let bad shit happen to them and they just take it to the chin, whatever. I'm like, I like running towards it. I like running towards anything I'm afraid of now. Or I like starting my day with five miles in the morning. I love running long distances. I love like, I love all the hard shit. I've already had enough hard stuff happen. I don't want to be surprised by anything.

1:17:55Jay Shetty:Travis it's been amazing talking to you today I've got a couple more questions to end on I wanted to ask you what part of your life today would your mum most be proud of? I think she'd be really really proud of me executing you know her dream for me and my dream for me with music and playing drums I also think she would really be proud of what kind of father I am That resonates very strongly and I was wanted to ask you like the um over the last decade you've become easily one of the most sought-after collaborators working with so many incredible artists what have been some of your favorite ones that stand out to you in this incredible career and journey?

1:18:40DJM goes down as like one of my favorite collaborators ever I mean of course there's performances that are I think were magical I think the one that's in my documentary it was like life it was like one of those moments where I'm like, after this, I'm good. I don't, whatever happens, happens. It was like me, Eminem, Drake and Wayne on the Grammys. It was like, are you kidding me? Even in the documentary, when I watch it, I have like, I feel like I have superpowers. I'm like, does this not move you? You know what I mean? Like, I like having those feelings and I like being part of those feelings that I can watch and, and it still gives me that, that feeling.

1:19:18Jay Shetty:tell me something about that moment that we may not know or that that we may not see grammys is always comes together so fast there wasn't a bunch of rehearsing or anything we never rehearsed all together i think at the time i was playing with eminem here and there played a couple shows with them and i think i rehearsed with him but that was the first time me wayne drake and eminem were on stage together that's it was just everyone knew what their job was yeah that's insane. That's amazing. Travis, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum.

1:19:54Jay Shetty:Okay. The final five today is brought to you by State Farm. Being financially savvy is a smart move. Another smart move, choosing State Farm to help you create a plan that fits you when you choose to bundle home and auto. Question number one, what's the best advice you've ever heard or received? Find something you love and find a way to get paid for it. Great answer. Question number two, what's the worst advice you've ever heard or received? I think sometimes when people say that's what God wanted. Yeah. I guess that's not advice, but that one's always a hard one for me to accept. Yeah. Good answer.

1:20:29Jay Shetty:Question number three, what makes a good dad? Present dad. Presence is everything. Being present, not like buying them things, but being present, like putting the time in with your son or your daughter. Question number four, what makes a good friend? Someone that is truly there for you all the time. And fifth and final question, we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? I have one that I live by that like, that I practice on a daily basis. And that's like, no matter where I am, I'm usually by myself.

1:21:03I always smile and say hello. Like, I think that's really important. I started doing it like years ago to where even sometimes I'd be with my wife. She's like, who's that? And I'm like, I don't know. Just waving though. You know, we're, we're here and like, you might've made that person's day. Or I know my daughter's been like, do you know that person? And I'm like, no, but like, there's something about saying hello and smiling to someone that's maybe having an awful day or it could change their perspective. I think that's awesome.

1:21:30Jay Shetty:Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Today's final five was brought to you by State Farm. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Travis Barker, thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I can't wait for people to watch the documentary. Thank you. I hope I get to have many more conversations like this with you.

1:22:03Jay Shetty:And honestly, like the way you've showed up so vulnerably, thoughtfully, genuinely, the way you reflect on your own life is really left a mark on mine. So thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you, Travis. Yeah.