Why Making New Friends Feels Exhausting As An Adult (And How to Make It Easier)

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2:05When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends once a week, if you're lucky, for an hour or two. So it's much harder to build that depth. And because of this, we often find it more comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we may have to make more effort with. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn and grow. My name's Jay Shetty and I am grateful as ever that you decided to tune in. And whether you're driving to work, driving back, walking, walking your dog, working out, cooking, whatever you're up to, thank you for being here right now.

2:59Now, a couple of weeks ago, I posted a TikTok Instagram reel, and I was talking about the difference between real friends and fake friends. And it was something I was thinking about for a while now, because I started to find that as we get older, we start to think differently about friendships. I remember seeing this quote years ago, and it was on a meme, and it said, my circle has gone smaller, but grown in value. And it showed a large coin that was thinner, moving into a smaller coin that was thicker and worth more. And it's just interesting how I think so many of us think about our relationships that way.

3:43So in this TikTok and in this reel, I said, real friends clap the loudest when you win, even if they're still waiting for their turn. Think about that for a minute. Real friends don't get jealous. They don't get envious. That's one of the core traits of a real friend. When they see you win, they see what's possible. When they see you win, they want to know how they can join in and celebrate, how they can make you feel happy, how they can honor what you've achieved. I then went on to say, real friends lift you up even when they're carrying their own weight. I think so many of us have been this friend, so many of us have these friends that show up for us even when we know it isn't easy for them.

4:33I then said, real friends know your success is a reflection of hard work, not luck. When you start to become successful, when you start to make moves, when you start to see some progress, people around you will start to say you're lucky, you're fortunate, you should be grateful. Now here's the thing, you should feel that way. It's great to feel grateful, fortunate and lucky when it's for yourself. But your real friends see and remind you that it was your hard work that paid off. It was your hustle. It was your commitment. It was your dedication. It was the hours that you put in. They saw that, they know that, and they remind you of that.

5:17I then went on to say, real friends are happy to see you shine because your light doesn't dim theirs. And real friends do the same back. But something I've heard from so many of you recently is that making new friends as an adult is exhausting and we want it to be easier, right? We all want to have meaningful relationships. We keep hearing about it in every podcast, in every episode that the quality of your relationships defines the quality of your life. It's the thing that we hold as the highest metric in what makes us feel like we had a good life at the end of our life. yet as we grow older we change jobs we move countries we move cities and it feels as though we don't have the same friends around us or some of us may have the same friends around us and we haven't moved but we've grown right you may not have moved city or moved country but you've moved on and so that group of friends that you grew up around doesn't feel like your people anymore For me, I've moved so much, right?

6:26In my years of being an adult, I've lived in India, I've lived in New York, I've lived in LA. I have moved around a lot. And one thing that I knew I had to do as I was moving was prioritize building community, building friendships. As much as I focused on building my career, wherever I went, I made it a priority to build community. And the reason was because I didn't want to be lonely. I didn't want to end up feeling like I'd achieved all my goals, but that I didn't have anyone to share it with. I didn't want to feel like I'd achieved what I wanted to do, but I didn't have people that I had memories with.

7:05And so today's episode is for anyone who's thinking about making friends as an adult, but finds it exhausting and wants it to be easier. So I want to start with this first of all. If you feel like it's exhausting to make friends as you get older, you're not imagining it. It's true. It's actually harder. Researchers have actually studied this. A massive 2020 meta-analysis found that friendship networks start shrinking after your mid-20s. Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because life just changes. Work ramps up, people move, family becomes more central, you have kids to think about, right?

7:48You have family members to worry about. Social psychologist Robin Dunbar says we can only maintain about 150 meaningful relationships. And to be honest, that sounds exhausting in and of itself. But they go on to say we can only have five close friends. And in our 30s, sometimes those five people just become our partner, our kids, and one of our parents, or maybe two of our parents. And so that number five is so limited. And by the way, this is natural. Your social energy gets stretched thinner. You got to think about work. You got to think about responsibilities. So first of all, it's really natural.

8:29It's not because there's something wrong with you. It's not because you a mistake, it's not because you're weak, right? So here's a mini experiment that I want to share with you for this one. Ask yourself this question, who do I miss? I call this the who do I miss test. Ask yourself, who have I thought about lately and wished I saw more of? Who's that person in our life that we actually have a lot of good memories with? And maybe they've moved, Maybe we've moved. Maybe we don't see each other as much. Maybe they got a new job. Maybe you had a kid. Who's that person you genuinely miss? Who's that person that you have so many good memories with, but it's just been a while?

9:17Here's what I want you to do. I want you to text them. Text that person and say, hey, I miss seeing you. Should we grab a quick coffee? Should we go for a walk? or if you live far away, do we need to arrange something? You know, it doesn't need to be a huge plan. You can start small even with a Zoom or a FaceTime, but reconnect with the one person who already gets you. I think so often we think we have to have new friends. We think we have to move on, but there's someone in your life who deeply gets you, who already knows your heart, who can already read in between the lines. I reconnected with some of my high school friends and it's really interesting because when you went to high school with someone, you just have a shorthand.

10:02And I think there's a mistake we make with this mindset as well. We think that our old friends were our real friends and our new friends are not real friends. The difference is time. When you were young, you spent every hour at school with this friend. You then probably came home and spoke to them on the phone or texted with them, messaged them, maybe even went out with them. We were spending around nine hours a day minimum with someone. And that's how we became friends over three, five, seven, eight years of our life. When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends once a week if you're lucky for an hour or two.

10:46So it's much harder to build that depth. And because of this, we often find it more comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we may have to make more effort with. I think that's part of where the exhausting thing comes from, right? It's like with new friends, you got to show up, you got to make plans, you feel like you can't just be on your phone, you can't just lay back, it actually requires something of you. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block.

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12:04Have you ever brought your magic to Walt Disney World like, hey, we came to play? Did you tip your tiara to a Creole princess or get goofy officially? Step up like a boss and save the day? Or see what life's like under the tree of life? Did you? If you could. Would you? When we come through, it's true magic. Because we came to play. Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort. And I think this is principle number two. I want you to recognize that your brain has become more guarded now. See, when you're younger, your brain's more plastic. more open to novelty. But by your 30s, your brain actually becomes more risk-averse.

12:50According to neuroscience research, your amygdala, the part of your brain that handles fear, lights up more when meeting new people as you age. We become more cynical, more skeptical, more doubtful. Why? Because you now have more experiences of rejection, of awkwardness. Maybe people stabbing you in the back, mistreating you, people not being loyal. So your brain tries to protect you by making you avoid potential discomfort. So it's not just you being antisocial, right? You might be thinking, hey, I just feel like I'm becoming more an introvert. I feel like I'm being more antisocial. No, it's your brain playing defense, right?

13:31That's what's happening. You're being more defensive. And this is natural again. But what does that do? It means we spend less time and more skeptical time with new people. And we assume that we can't make good friends anymore. I want you to try something out. Here's a mini experiment. I call it the two-minute rule. Next time you're in a new space, like an event, a workout class, a friend's dinner, a friend's birthday, just make a two-minute connection. Compliment someone. Ask a question. Say one unfriendly sentence. No pressure to make a new bestie, right? You're just training your brain to stop seeing socializing as a threat.

14:10Smile at someone in the line, start a conversation with someone while you're waiting in line, whatever it may be. And by the way, it may feel weird at first, but you start to realize how everyone's craving it. Everyone is craving connection. Everyone around you wants to connect with someone, wants to break out of their mold, is looking for friends. That's what I've realized. As adults, more of us are looking for friends than we believe. It's just that everyone's acting too cool. Everyone's acting like they don't need it. Everyone's acting like, you know, it's just not what they're looking for.

14:42And because of that, we start to think, oh, well, you know, why am I the one putting in effort? So it's just something to think about. I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself, when have you actually had someone in your life that you drifted away from. Someone that you may not even have a reason. And maybe there was a hidden reason. Sometimes we've disconnected from someone because of a hidden reason. You didn't really have a falling out. You didn't really stop talking, but you stopped talking if you know what I mean. And it's so important to figure out what the root of that was. Because sometimes it's harder to make new friends and it's exhausting and it can be easier to reconnect with an old friend.

15:34So this may not be someone you miss. It may not be someone you think about, but it's someone you drifted away from, but you really don't know why. Now, something that happens with new friends as we get older is you're more selective now and that's not a bad thing. In your 30s, you care more about alignment than abundance of friends, right? In your 30s, as you get older, in your 40s, as an adult, you focus on alignment more than abundance. You've been burned. You're tired of fake friends, flaky plans, and emotional one-way streets. And psychologists call this motivated selectivity. You start prioritizing depth over breadth.

16:19Now that's not a weakness, but it's a surprise. Because when you were younger, you maybe didn't do that. And maybe that was the reason you got burned. Right? How many of you had friends when you were younger, and you almost just were best friends overnight, and then you realized that that person, you know, was trying to get with your boyfriend, was needy, was exploiting you in some way, whatever it may have been. So we become more selective as we get older, which there's nothing wrong with. But it can feel lonelier at first because you're waiting for deeper connections while only shallow ones seem easy to find.

16:54See, the interesting thing is we want a deep connection, but every deep connection started off shallow. Think about that for a second. Every deep connection started off shallow. Now, sometimes you have this instant chemistry, instant spark with someone. Now, that's beautiful when you have that. I sometimes have that with someone on the podcast. That doesn't mean it needs to turn into a full-blown best friend situation. But it's important to realize that you can't build a deep connection without walking through the shallow. So you have to ask yourself, who have you met recently? Who have you connected with recently that you haven't put enough effort in with?

17:39You know you need to do an effort. Yes, it's going to be exhausting. Maybe the first time. Maybe the second time. I promise you by the third time, it's not that exhausting. Right? By the third time, it should feel natural. The first time, it might be exhausting. Second time, it might be exhausting. We have to push through that. Because imagine if one of your greatest friends is three hangouts away. Right? We're so scared of the exhausting three hangouts that we don't realize that by the fourth time, I'm going to be able to connect with this person. And actually, that person becomes someone easy for life.

18:17That person becomes someone natural for life that I can go to. It's good enough. It's worth it to sit through the three awkward, exhausting, tiring times to break through that barrier and give it a go. So give it a go. that person that you've connected with recently, reach out to them. Set up a one-on-one hangout, check-in, workout, whatever it is. I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this. Radhi and I poured our hearts into creating Juni sparkling tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip, you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality and a burst of brightness to your day.

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19:51So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code ONPURPOSE to receive 15 % off your first order. That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code on purpose. Now, how do we make it much easier? There's something I love. I call it the friction rule. Research in behavioral science shows we do things more when there's less friction, aka less effort. So don't try to start brand new routines. Instead, ask, where am I already going that I could add a connection to? If I go to a workout, let me have someone that I go to that workout with, right? If I go for a walk after work, let me find someone I had that walk with.

20:40If I love going out for brunch on the weekend, let me add someone to that. So it's the tag along invite. Next time we go into the gym, farmer's market, or even errands, text someone. Hey, I'm going here. Do you want to come with me? It's low pressure. It adds connection to something you're already doing. So now it's less exhausting. The exhausting part is when you have to create plans, add plans, make plans, make time. This is something you're doing already. It doesn't create friction in your life. That's why it's the no friction rule. Number one, use the no friction rule. To me, this has become one of my secret weapons.

21:18I feel like I'm able to spend so much quality time with people without having to make it crazy. and without feeling like I'm having to take more time out of my life. Another thing I love is creating micro routines. There's a lot of people that I can't see every week. People that I like, people that I actually would like to spend more time with, but I couldn't see them every week because I want to prioritize my time with my wife. I want to prioritize my time on my own and I want to prioritize my time with my team. So big plans often get canceled, but tiny rituals create consistency. which is what friendships actually need to grow as adults, right?

21:56So when you were young, you saw someone at school every day. Now, as adults, you're not going to be able to do that. So research shows it takes about 90 hours to form a casual friend and 200 hours to get close. But that time isn't going to happen very quickly as an adult. It happened like in one year at school, less than, right? That's the point. You did that in one semester at school. You're not doing that with your adult friends. So try this. Try the mini experiment of a 10-minute touchpoint. Pick one person you like and set a calendar reminder to text them once a week. You can say, hey, randomly thought of you.

22:36Just checking in. How's your week? Do you want to catch up this month? It allows you to keep someone on your radar. They're on yours. And you keep watering the seed. I do this every time I think of someone. I message them. And 99 % of the time, I get a message that says, I was just thinking of you too. And I love it when this happens because it makes you realize the people you naturally connect with. Someone may even say, hey, I just thought of you. You want to go on a walk tomorrow? Hey, I'm going to this event. You want to join me? Hey, I'm going on a hike. Do you want to join me? Like it becomes this really easy way to connect with people.

23:07And it takes away the stress and the pressure that we add on to friendships, right? We often think it has to be a big plan. It has to be really interesting. It's the micro routines that win. This is probably my favorite one and one that I've used a lot since moving LA. I call it say the thing. Sometimes the best way to spark connection is to admit you want it. One study found that people consistently underestimate how much others like them after meeting. This is known as the liking gap. We assume we're awkward or annoying, but we're usually way more appreciated than we think. Think about this for a second.

23:49When was the last time you connected with someone and you walked away thinking, oh, they probably think I'm not that interesting. Guess what? That person walked away feeling the exact same thing. Unless you're both narcissists. And in that case, you walked away thinking that you're the best thing that ever happened to them. But most of us, we doubt ourselves, right? We doubt whether we were interesting enough, whether we were friendly enough, whether we were nice enough. And we overthink that. And then we don't know how we feel about it. So here's what I want you to try out I want you to try out the honest message Send this to someone you kind of know But want to know better Hey, I loved our conversation lately Let's grab some lunch, right?

24:33It feels awkward for 10 seconds But it opens a door And I promise you, people are looking for this I recently had an interaction I was at an event Someone came up to me They were saying to me how much they like my work I realized I knew of their work They're behind the scenes and they do amazing stuff too. Then we connected on a Zoom call. And for me, it was just so easy. Like I just vibed with this person. And I realized it's so important to wear your heart on your sleeve, right? I wear my heart on my sleeve because I'd rather someone know where I stand with them than keep them guessing and keep myself distant from a great relationship.

25:13So a lot of this is hard. It does feel weird. but I want you to focus on the one you miss, the one you drifted from, the one you haven't invested in yet and overall it's about recognizing that the reason why it's harder to make friends as an adult is because it almost takes longer for that person to get caught up. It's almost like they're meeting you at chapter 30 and you're like, wow, now they need to understand chapter one to 30 to understand me. And it's a really tough pressure to put on to someone you just met, right? Even if you told that person your whole life story, they'll never get caught up in one swoop.

25:57But guess what? When your parents are in town, get everyone together. When your friends are in town, get everyone together. When you can start to do that, the person gets an opportunity to piece your story together over time. Now you're not trying to play catch up. And you're also not putting the pressure of saying, hey, only if you understand the first 19 chapters of my life, do you understand the 20th? Some people walked into our life in the 20th chapter. And guess what? They're going to be here till our 40th chapter, they're going to understand us. Give them some grace. Stop putting so much pressure on the new people in your life.

26:38The last thing I want to talk about is the need to connect with colleagues. We spend so much time at work. We spend so much time with the people around us at work, but often they're the last people we want to be friends with. Yes, it could be hard. Yes, it could be difficult. Yes, you may not trust them. But if you can, it's worth investing in one good friend at work. We're going to spend a third of our lifetimes at work. It's important that we feel like we can be comfortable and genuinely ourselves with at least one person. And I promise you, people at work are looking for the same thing. They may want to rush and get home.

27:22They may have someone at home that understands them better. Of course, they have their own friends. You're not trying to compete. You're not trying to get in the way of another relationship in their life. But if we're going to spend so much time at work, it's important to try and find someone there. And that makes it less exhausting. You're seeing this person anyway. You're connected with this person anyway. Make an extra bit of effort and it will go a long way. Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope this helps you reconnect with some people in your life. And I can't wait for you to listen to the next episode.