Why You Are Restricting Your Desires in Your Relationship & How to Stop Blocking Yourself from the Happiness You Deserve with Lisa Bilyeu

32:03And so for 18 months, I was supporting him until it started to become detrimental to us. And that's where it's like support each other, know your value systems, but never let your own values diminish, your own wants and needs diminish. And that's what I did for eight years. And that's kind of what I talk about in the book about how a relationship can be literally the wind beneath your wings that can help propel you, right? It can make you feel better about yourself as you're on that journey. But it also can be that anchor around your ankle that can, if you dropped into the ocean, would just take you deeper and deeper.

32:38and so who are you with do they want to see you shine do they want to actually see you thrive and what are their non-negotiables but I think ultimately if Tom has said that I don't think we would have stayed together and that's the key because when people say you and Tom are so lucky you're so lucky to have someone like Tom and I said no no no I've got Tom because we communicate and he's the person that is okay with a wife going from a stay-at-home wife to now an entrepreneur and I'm okay with having a husband that works 100 hours or 120 hours a week most people aren't and that there's no judgment there but that's what makes us beautiful dance partners and so never I just did it too long Jay never anyone listening don't ever diminish your dreams don't ever negotiate your boundaries for somebody else know what they are first and then ideally find somebody that respects and compliments them.

33:32Yeah, it's such great advice. And it's, you know, and I know you mean it. And it's funny because I think I resonate strongly with that as well, is that when I think about me and Radhi, it's very, we're obviously, we're no longer have been together as long as you and Tom have. But I see a lot of similarities in how we're growing in that way. And your relationship is a beautiful example of that, like you and Tom and how long you've been together and all the transitions and I love seeing it it's really inspiring for us and I think it's it's similar for us like I always I genuinely believe it that the reason why me and Radhi work is because we communicate and is because we're both able to respect and adapt and know what the other person needs I think what's really interesting though, Lisa, is that a lot of the time, what we want, we've got to really think about that word.

34:31Because I wonder whether sometimes we've always, it's so funny, because I'm going the other way, but we started off talking about like, we all believe we deserve less. But sometimes in our relationships, we can be really demanding in a way that isn't taking into account who the other person is so i'll give you an example let's say what you wanted and and i know tom so i'm going to speak for him a bit and you can edit the parts i don't get right if you had said jay i'm excited to get married and the guy i want i want him to be someone who um every evening spends time with me every weekend is free and available i want him to think about planning a vacation four times a year or twice a year or once a year.

35:14I want him to be someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch a movie every night. Even if you wanted all of that, Tom was not the right guy. Like that's not Tom. Like he's, I mean, maybe some of those things, but - Not really. Not really, yeah, exactly. From my perception, Tom's not that guy. You guys know each other, you know each other. Yeah, I know Tom, yeah, yeah. Like Tom's not that guy. And I'm not saying that makes him a good or bad, I'm just saying that's not Tom. And it was similar with me and Radi, like, you know, I think I said something ridiculous to Radhi when we first started dating.

35:44And I was like, look, if you want the guy who's always free every weekend to hang out with family and goes to a movie on Friday night and then goes like, I don't know, like house shop, furniture shopping on the weekend, I was like, I'm not that guy. Like I'm just, that's not me. Like I have a mission. I'm excited about stuff. Like I'm passionate. I want to live a purposeful life. Like this is my priority. And so sometimes what we want and who we're attracted to don't mesh that you can be attracted to tom for his intelligence his brain his looks whatever else it is and he can be attracted to you but then you're like but wait a minute i actually want someone who's ambitious or not ambitious i want someone who's this or this and so sometimes i think we're trying to force someone to be something that they're not and i see that a lot i'll have a lot of friends who will say to me like i wish he was just a bit more ambitious i'm like but he's not and he's not suddenly going to become that like he's he's he may become that because we can all change but obviously he's not showing you that to he is or someone will be like you know i wish he didn't work so hard like you know and there's something like but you know his goal is to be a billionaire like as in do you know what i mean and he's dedicated to that so i'm like where does that want an attraction kind of go together yeah i think it's such a great question yeah because here's the thing though jay is that of course we want everything of course we do Everyone does.

37:04So just accept that, okay, you're not going to necessarily be able to have everything. So what's the cost? So I find ambition extremely sexy and attractive. And so I'm attracted to someone that has ambition. And so what comes with that? What is the cost of being attracted to someone that has ambition? It means they're not going to be there every night at 7 p.m. They're not taking time off on the weekends. They're not filling the blank. Okay, well, what's more important to you? Like now just look at those facts and go, if you're ambitious, this is actually what comes with someone ambitious. If you want someone that is a stay at home, again, freaking love it.

37:38But just know that probably means they're going to work a nine to five. That way they have the time to be open to then spending date night with you. But are you okay with that? What life do you want? What's more important? Like actually almost prioritize them. And so for me, that was a very early wake up call with Tom where it's like, I know who I married. And so just because I've got a ring on my finger doesn't mean now all of a sudden he has to change in order to fit all the things that I'm looking for in life. I actually know that the cost of being with him is that I don't see him on a Saturday night or a Friday.

38:10And then that extends to children. When we were even talking about kids, he said, babe, I love you. I'm not going to wake up in the middle of the night and clean the baby's diaper because I am ambitious and I will be resentful. going back to that word, I'll be resentful if I give up my ambition for my children and my wife. I won't be able to be the man that you love and you want me to be because you are literally stripping me away of the fundamental person I am. And when you can respect someone for being that honest and that transparent, I only receive it with utter gratitude, to be honest. Like, thank you for telling me before we have children, what type of father you're going to be.

38:50And so he said, I'm going to be working really hard. I'm not going to be coming home at 7pm every night. And I'm not going to get up with the kids because I need to make sure that my cognitive load is like on fire when I'm in my business. But then on the weekends, the truth is that I want to be an amazing father. And so I'm going to be on the weekends taking my kid to soccer practice and doing all these things. Those are the reality of who fundamentally he is and how that shows up in our relationship. Cool. Now that I know that, do I still want children? Knowing that pretty much Monday to Friday, I'm a single mother.

39:22Because when people don't have these conversations, it ends up being the biggest thing that breaks that relationship. Because you are now judging the part, I can't believe he's not waking up and I'm left all by myself. Or did you have the discussion so that you knew, again, there's zero judgment, but you knew what the mother wants and what the father wants. And this goes both ways, right? It's not just Tom, what do I want out of life? And how do children fit into my lifestyle? But those are the things that we spoke about. every step of the way so that we can always give each other the utter respect in being the person they are.

39:56Because when you strip away that, you can't bring your whole self. You know, you've written in your book about how you have to have a relationship with your purpose. Your partner has to have a relationship with their purpose, and then you come together. But if you're stripping each other of their purpose, you can't have that beautiful dance and that relationship. so knowing all of those factors is exactly why I was like I still love you I appreciate it I still find this very sexy and now the understanding is is that he's not going to be home in the evening and that was actually part of what made me decide that I didn't want children because I don't want to be a single mother Monday to Friday I freaking love my work so I actually don't want to give that up either I didn't want to have children have nannies bring them up no shame just my decision and then on the weekends i'm just going to be utterly transparent and honest with you is that i don't want to be second or third on his priority list when is there going to be time for me and him if he's working all week and on the weekends he's with the children yeah and the thing that i will protect the most is my relationship with my husband so knowing that now what decisions do we make to protect our relationship and i understand people especially with kids who play You won't know what it's like until you have kids.

41:11I bet you get that all the time, especially in your culture. The truth is, no, I don't know what it's like because I don't have them. But there's nothing that I'm missing or losing because I don't know what I'm missing out on. It's kind of like a dog making fun of us humans for our sense of smell. It's like their sense of smell is freaking amazing. But I don't know what it's like so I don't look at a dog in longiness. I just go I know my sense of smell and it is what it is so but I do treat it as fact that I bet you nature takes its course and make sure that biologically especially as a woman that you then prioritize your children so then again asking Tom are you okay with going down on my priority list when we have kids because nature will make sure that that child is the center of my universe I don't pretend otherwise.

42:03And being able to have that type of honest conversations with zero judgment, giving each other the grace to just be who they are, then allows us to say, do we have children? Do we still stay in this marriage without that growing contempt that then ends up breaking all couples? It turns you into a person you're not proud of. You start arguing, you start saying things you don't like, you start doing things you're not proud of yourself, you use them potentially their vulnerabilities against them in arguments because you haven't had that true conversation from the get-go parking shouldn't slow you down park whiz gives every driver a shortcut book ahead save up to 50 and skip the hassle of circling the block park smarter park faster park whiz download the park whiz app today and save every time you park stop settling for weak sound it's time to level up your game and bring the boom hit the town with the ultra durable LG XBoom portable speaker and enjoy vibrant sound wherever you go.

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43:42The only constant in Hollywood is change. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Daily Variety and listen now. Yeah, I mean, there's so much to unpack there. And I love the first point you made, this idea of if you're attracted to something that's a non-negotiable or a priority, first of all, just draw a line as to what the cost of that is. So if you want someone ambitious, naturally they'll have less time. If you want someone who has time, naturally they'll be less ambitious. That's just how life works. And neither of those are good or bad. But if you go, I want someone who's really ambitious and has loads of time, that's just not happening.

44:18And so you need to know your deal breakers and you need to know your priorities. And I love the way you put that because I do think that we do want it all and we want it all now. And when someone doesn't give it to us all, we then think it's their fault. And that's what creates this resentment and contempt because we're like, well, wait a minute, like, don't you want to work a bit more? And he's like, no, but the thing you love about them is that they're always available. Like I have friends who's like their partners will come on them with their work trip and then they'll be like, oh, but then you have something to do.

44:49and it's like but but you love the fact that they're always with you and then there's this break you know this this break does that make sense or or even this idea of like i'll have some of my friends say to me like oh you know my partner's just a bit boring and i'm like but you wanted someone who didn't do anything like you wanted someone who was you know like didn't have interest was always around was always available now you're calling them boring for it it's like but you've never really you know you've never encouraged them to or you've never been attracted to someone who wanted to explore it's it's fascinating to me can we take it yeah please go for it yeah go for it so think about women in the workforce now so a lot of women are which i freaking love right i want to empower women i think it's incredible that now we have the options to really be able to go into the workforce instead of be stay-at-home wives or mothers but what i'm noticing is happening is a lot of some women i wouldn't say a lot are really building that confidence and I freaking like it and I interviewed somebody I won't say their name but she's a really big powerhouse and she's successful and she's wealthy and she had just got divorced and so she's telling me the story about how she's like yeah I'm owning my sexuality I'm owning who I am and I'm a powerful woman so she chats up this guy in a bar and she's like and he became my boyfriend he's younger than her so he moves in with her and she's like I freaking love it no guy's ever going to control me again right so she's like amazing I respect that you know what you want you go after it halfway through the interview she's just like yeah and I can't believe he doesn't like book any vacations he never pays for dinner he never takes the lead on something and I'm like because you didn't set up your relationship for that to be like that and I think ultimately this is something I'm really playing with new and that's really weighing on me is that I think one of the things people don't ask each other and they're worried especially in today's society But I think it's imperative when you get into a relationship before you commit.

46:43Who leads and who follows? And having that actual conversation. And here's the thing. Following someone doesn't make you weaker. It doesn't make you submissive. It just has a way. Think about dancing. I've brought up dancing for some reason a lot in this conversation. I'm not quite sure why. It's the dip. Yeah, it's the dip. Exactly. Think about in dancing. You can't have two leaders. You just can't. Think about running a company. You can't have two CEOs. You have to have that moment. That's such a great point. You have to have that moment of who is leading and who is following. But if you can remove the stigma that maybe you have against the word follow, then you can actually have that honest conversation.

47:24And that's what Tom and I did is, babe, I want you to lead. He wants to lead and I want him to lead. That doesn't make me less of a powerful, confident woman. It actually makes me stronger in my eyes because I'm strong enough to know I can still be strunging my own conviction my ideas my boundaries my standing up for myself and I can still have faith in somebody else is going to lead me now of course if he goes off step I'm going to have the confidence to speak up but ultimately I'm not challenging him for that role and in today's society again it's just weird for people to say about roles in a relationship And I think there's no right or wrong.

48:04What do you want in your relationship? But you have to have that role discussion. Yes. No matter what gender a person is going to take the lead, you have to have that discussion first. Yeah. And one thing that Radhi and I found is also that we lead and follow in different areas. So when it comes to our health, Radhi leads. She decides what snacks we have in the house. She decides what we eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She decides where we got to eat for restaurants. She decides what we eat when we're traveling. because I trust her that she knows more about the body than I do as a nutritionist and dietitian and all of our expertise.

48:38And so I'm going to follow her when it comes to working out. I follow her. She, she's the one who's like setting the paces to like, all right, you know, when I met her, I didn't even work out, just played a bit of sport or whatever. And she was the one saying, no, no, no, it's really great for us to be active and do this together. So she leads when it comes to our home, I lead interior design because that's my thing. I love it. I love art. I love aesthetic i love the feel i love everything and i get so into it and so she let me lead she was like jay you're in charge like that's your thing when it comes to spending time with family and vacations she leads because she loves taking care of her family and loves traveling together and giving them experiences and so she'll lead then when it comes to uh the direction of like should we move now should we do this where should we invest i'm leading that conversation and i think it's beautiful because there's leading and following across all these different areas and all of a sudden it's like you're both playing to your strengths you both feel valuable you both feel significant and you both feel like you get to rely on the other person which is beautiful which is what you want yeah and I think it's yeah well it goes back to the doubles in tennis you're playing doubles exactly exactly like you take that shot I'll take this one and that's a that's a beautiful analogy and and i think that that's the reality of what's helped us as well is being humble enough to say you lead you're better at this and then being confident enough to say no i'll take this one because that's my strength and i think that requires so much humility and putting your ego aside and it also requires so much self-awareness and by the way this isn't perfect we're constantly playing with it like there'll constantly be something like i want you to do this because i don't want to do it she'll be like i don't want to do it either right there's that stuff too and then there's stuff where you're both arguing over who's going to lead because you both want to lead it i think what we're both coming back down to is the importance of that conversation because i know so many of my friends actually have been scared to tell their partners going back to the kids thing and this could be about anything kids is an example where they're not ready for kids but their partner is so pushing for kids and it's like no one's listening to each other now it's just our desire is superseding the code that your partner is trying to suggest to you of i'm not ready i'm not sure but your desire is just like no no no it has to happen now it has to happen now and i find that to be like i think i'd really me and riley kind of went through that like before we moved to the place that we're at now i really needed to move because we lived in a place that we were renting that I never slept well in.

51:16We had people taking stuff, like our mail would always get stolen. We'd have, there were a lot of animals that were in the floorboards. It was an old home. So you'd hear like animals rustling around. Like it was just one of those homes where I always felt uncomfortable and anxious. And so I don't think I slept well for one and a half years where I would be living in fight or flight every night thinking, what if someone's in my house? and that is not a comfortable feeling and so i kept pushing i was like ravey i need to get out i need to get out and she she loved that home so she couldn't get it she was just like this place is beautiful and i'm like yeah it's beautiful during the day but at night trust me i'm like really anxious here and i'm not really an anxious sleeper i sleep well and so it was very new for me and i could tell she wasn't quite getting it and so i had to start looking for new places because i realized that i was like until she sees something better she's not gonna get the point and so it was literally like and and that's natural right like because her she was like i'm happy here i'm satisfied here i was like no but i can't and she wasn't getting the subtle nudges and so i started looking started dragging her to house viewings we found this place even then she was like no no no the other place is more beautiful blah blah blah and then finally i was like you must be kidding me and then we moved and now she's grateful that we moved but it was really interesting how like even though there was a bit of conflict and friction i still knew i had to lead but i knew i didn't have to lead by like trying to convince her or make her feel bad for not understanding me or because i could sense it wasn't that she didn't understand me or she wasn't listening to me or maybe there was a bit of that we just weren't getting it if that makes sense does that yeah yeah what's interesting is i go back to the value systems because the value for you was I need to, the value of sleeping because of how I know how important your brain is to you in your mind and how you think and how you show up and run your business and everything like that, it actually aligns with your value system.

53:11Now, maybe Raddy's value system was homemaking. I want to be somewhere I'm comfortable. So actually both of your value systems, again, there's no right or wrong, but that's where your value system was then colliding because she feels like I've made a house out of this value system. Your value, I'm not getting what I need. I can't work. I don't have the mindset value system. So actually what was happening is your value systems were colliding, but you're not talking about the value. You're talking about the house. Yes. Yes. Yes. And so that becomes that even with the kids thing, it's like, okay, well, the person that wants to delay the children, what's your value system there?

53:44I haven't gotten to where I want to in my career. And my career right now is super important. And maybe the part person is my value system I've always wanted a family and so I value family over business so now you can see one person's valuing business over family the other person's valuing family over business and you're colliding but you're not actually talking about the thing you're just talking about the kids but it's actually about the value system that's colliding the silly example that I learned this lesson with Tom was over making the bed I was like what do you mean you don't make the bed of course you make the bed it was like the thing I was taught my whole life and Tom was like no I won't make the bed and we would collide I'm like you don't get it and so he would get frustrated every time I would make the bed because he's like I have to unmake the bed now I'm like it takes three seconds and I was dismissing and mocking him if I'm going to be very honest thinking he was wrong that of course you make what kind of person doesn't and I was literally putting my value system on him until we started to do what does making the bed mean to you?

54:46And to me, it was about neatness. It was about calm. I have ADHD. So I need those moments of calmness around me. I need things to be neat in order for me to be centered. But I didn't say that. I just said, I need the bed to be made. For him, his value system is time. He's like, it's the one thing I'll never get back. And so if you ask me to do something that doesn't actually align with the vision of what I want my future to be, don't like, you're asking me to be someone I'm not so his value system is time my value system is tidiness and so you can see in just that silly thing of making the bed we freaking collide and how many people couples do that every single day over small little things and what ends up happening is that oxytocin that you had when you first started dating is no longer there and all you have are these collisions day in day out I love that and and I feel I really hope everyone who's listening and watching like takes a moment to to break this down for themselves like we added the other way around a few couple of months ago my wife's book came out her first book yeah and thank you i know you interviewed her for it as well and it was you know and it was just it was a really exciting moment radhi had poured three years of her life into this cookbook i saw her work hard on it i've never seen her work that hard in my life never seen her just be so consistent you know how much work it takes you know look we're sitting here talking about radical confidence one year on right and one year two two oh my gosh it's been two years yeah two years on of radical confidence and you know how much work goes into this book i know how much you poured into this book this was your first ever book and i said to ravi i said to her i said you know what ravi like we've been together now for 11 years we've celebrated a lot of things but you've never had a book out so i don't know how you want to celebrate this because not every celebration is the same like you don't celebrate a birthday how you celebrate anniversary and how you celebrate Christmas they're they're different celebrations and so I was asking and checking in with her I was like I actually don't know what you'd like to do in order to like make this moment feel special and she we were on a hike and she just said to me she goes oh we just celebrated last night and I was like what do you mean like I couldn't even remember what we did last night I was like what do you mean we celebrated last night and she was like yeah like our friends came over i cooked from the book and they loved the meals this was the day before the book came out and i was like wait that was a celebration to you like it wasn't there was no it wasn't like the joyful book event there was no fancy like cards with food it was just a few mates came over and she cooked from the book which i don't even know if she told anyone and they loved it and they loved the food and she was like that felt like a celebration to me because I made food I love for people I love and I was like wow you just saved me this grand idea I had in my head of like throwing a big party or like you know putting the joyful banner up or whatever which is what I would do and I was just thinking about that and I was like it's so interesting to me that her value of celebration is that and my value around celebration is totally different but again so many couples and relationships can go wrong because we're constantly either celebrating the person we love or we're criticizing the person we love based on our value system.

58:07And now all we're talking about is the criticism or the celebration and not talking about the value. And it's fascinating to me that it works both ways, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. Because sometimes you do something nice for your partner and they don't appreciate it. And you're like, why don't you appreciate it? They're like, because that's not what I appreciate. It's not what I value. And I applaud you for just asking her. Because so many people either wouldn't ask, wouldn't do anything, or just assume. And that's, I think, where a lot of couples almost get mixed up, where it's like, well, if they love me, they should know.

58:38And it's like, oh, that breaks my heart. It's like, they're not a mind reader. Like you said, we all change, we all evolve. You would have done something with the biggest heart, right? Like, I want to celebrate my wife. And she was looking like, what do you mean? Oh, we did that plenty of times. How many times? And then what happens in that moment? You feel unappreciated for having tried to show up and do something amazing, she doesn't feel seen or heard. So now this whole thing, this act that you've done to try and really show her doesn't achieve anything. You and her both feel badly. And then again, you almost like look at the other person, like you're wrong or you're crazy, or how could you have done this?

59:16And so the idea of just, just asking and like remove all the idea of what we've been taught of, like, if they love me, they should know. And just say, ultimately I want them to feel what? I want them to feel loved. I want them to feel seen. Okay, how do they do that? I sometimes don't know. Let me just ask. So one of the things actually, so I stopped being the stay-at-home wife. I stopped cooking for Tom. We laid out all of our things of how we want to show up for each other and we changed and grow. We both change and grow since then. So only last year, Tom turned around to me and he said, you know what, babe, like I feel like I have a need that's unmet right now.

59:53I was like, oh my God, what's the need, babe? and he's like I actually now miss that you don't cook for me right so we've been like 15 years he's been fine with it but instead of me judging him he told me I'm not supposed to guess he just said that and I said okay babe what does that look like and he's like I like you to preempt my needs when it comes to food and said okay instead of just leaving it at that I was like okay can I order Postmates then have it delivered would that satisfy the need and he's like yeah you can or do I have to cook it. He's like, no, no, you can have postmotes. Okay.

1:00:26Do I need to plate it for you? Or can I leave it out on the doorstep and just text you it's here? And he's like, well, if you can put it on like my kitchen counter, like his little side. And he's like, that way I know. I was like, cool. Now I've heard you. I don't have to assume. I now don't have to go straight into, oh my God, he's now asking me to cook. I don't want to cook. I went there. I was that person. I don't want to get trapped. No, none of that. We just broke it down bit by bit of understanding what exactly that need looks like. Now, here's the other part. Maybe I'm not willing to do it.

1:00:58And in that moment, I just would have said right now that actually doesn't fit my lifestyle of what I need to show up. So how do we find a compromise? Is there a compromise or is it, sorry, I'm unable to do it, but what if I do it for three weeks on a holiday, right? Now come up with ways that you're not just shutting the other person down. You're hearing their needs and they feel heard that you're trying to find a solution because ultimately I think not to just stereotype, but typically I think women want to feel seen, they want to feel safe, they want to feel needed and they want to feel appreciated.

1:01:34It's not the money, it's not the height that a lot of people are saying, they need to be six foot and then seven figures. No, no. If you really do stop and pause and ask your partner how they can fill those roles, then you can start to actually create a beautiful relationship on the long term. And then the same for a guy. Obviously, I don't know, and I'd love to hear your thoughts. But I've tried to process what is it that I think a guy needs. They want to feel appreciated. They want to feel powerful, not controlling, powerful. And they want to be respected. Yeah, I'd agree with that. And so knowing, okay, if that's actually what you want, I'm just going to say it.

1:02:11People may hate it, but I just go to truth. How do I make you feel powerful? That's what I would ask Tom. How do I make you feel powerful? what are the things that you need now again i then go back to my value systems i say does this align with me but i'm not going to guess i want to make sure that my husband's happy and that we're always constantly in alignment and when you've been together for 23 years i met him when i was 21 we've built multiple companies together so how the hell have we been able to stay so aligned it's these little things that people may be embarrassed to do maybe ashamed to do or they don't want to do with that's the reality that's the reality we want something but we either feel guilty shameful embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask for it and then we take that feeling out on our partner for not knowing it and we get triggered when they say something like i wish you'd cook for me again that triggers all of our ptsd from that time and now it's like how can you even asked me to do that you know how hard that was for me not realizing it's just a suggestion it's just an idea it's coming from a good it's that space that i think we've been talking about today is can you kind of create a safe space to have these uncomfortable conversations without any shame or guilt right and that becomes the foundation that ultimately selection matters who you choose to be with will absolutely dictate the outcome of your relationship and so i used to say the key to a relationship is communication i don't actually think it is I think it's a growth mindset.

1:03:44Because if you do not have a growth mindset, no matter how much I communicate, you said that earlier, right? They may not be able to respond. Now think of all the hurdles and humps that we've been through in our relationship. How have we survived those? Because we are open to having the hard conversations. We're open to communicating endlessly until we get to the solution. One of the rules, so Tom and I have a bunch of rules, one of the rules is never apologize if you don't mean it and even in the moment of i'm deeply upset he absolutely can say baby i know if i just apologize to you right now i know that you're going to feel better but i can't apologize because i'm not sorry for it and what that does is that absolutely elongates the conversation the argument it may go no now for two days three days but ultimately we're not brushing it under the rug we actually resolve it and go okay i'm still very hurt by it but let me actually work through that hurt.

1:04:39Why am I hurt? Why was I triggered? Why did you say that? You know, and then we just peel away the onion, peel away the onion to get to that core. But it all comes from that growth mindset. And if you don't have it, no matter how much you discuss it, you're going to hit a wall where you cannot be seen or heard. Absolutely. Lisa, you are amazing. The book, everyone is called Radical Confidence, 11 Lessons on How to Get the Relationship, Career, and Life You Won. Today we did a deep dive on relationships, which I loved. But when you open up this book, you'll learn how to handle your negative voice, how you can overcome failure, how you can actually work through your emotions and understanding them.

1:05:20Setting your value system is a big part of this book. Breaking through your beliefs, building that growth mindset is all inside this book called Radical Confidence. If you didn't grab a copy two years ago, make sure you grab a copy right now. If you don't already, subscribe to and watch. women of impact make sure you go and do that as well uh lisa it's always such a joy talking to you because it's so lived everything you share is such lived experience and i know you live by it because i know you and tom and on top of that it's just so real and i love having these really pragmatic practical conversations around topics that can be very ethereal and uncomfortable and woo-woo and kind of a bit like oh you know and and to be honest manipulative and controlling like oh if you want him to do this do this if you want her to and it's almost like you actually can't get anyone to do anything all you all you can do is all you can do is accept them for who they are or not and i think when we're having these conversations i'm really hoping that everyone walks away with an understanding of what type of quality of interaction and conversation to have with the individual and the growth mindset point is in a relationship is huge because adaptability and flexibility is at the core of anything long term and i've seen that with me and radhi too there is just there i realize it all the time it's things would only never work if we lost our flexibility and adaptability and that's all growth mindset you you have to and it's so interesting how so often we don't want to be flexible and adaptive when by the way that's okay too so lisa thank you so much for for showing up as always and just shedding someone's clarity on a really difficult topic thank you jay thank you for having me you're you're such a good dude i freaking love you i love raddy like we're connected from day one and the support and human that you are i just want to say thank you like for always being there as a friend thank you always always here for you and anyone who's been listening and watching make sure you tag me and Lisa on Instagram, on TikTok, on X, whatever platform you're on in the YouTube comments.

1:07:36Let us know what resonated with you, what stuck with you, what you're trying out with your partner or potential partner. Please pass this on to a friend, someone in a relationship who's struggling, who's going through a tough time. I really believe it will give them the tools and the resources that they need to navigate and guide them through. And of course, go and grab your copy of Radical Confidence. It's available in paperback right now. Thanks so much, everyone. Thanks, Lisa. Thanks, Jay. If you loved this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life by changing your brain.

1:08:08If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over a hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged. For Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National Alliance of Mental Illness, NAMI. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, there is help. Call NAMI Helpline at 800-950-NAMI or go to www.nami.org forward slash help or text helpline to 62640. For immediate 24-7 crisis support, call or text 988 or visit www.988lifeline.org.

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