Dr. Martha Deiros Collado - Online Safety Expert (Pre Teens)

15:33Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I think it does that to lots of kids it's never ending that's the problem yeah you can switch it's really tricky but you can switch that off on YouTube with the parenting controls with the children's YouTube there are ways around it and I think all parents need to know about this you can also do it on Netflix or Disney or whatever you watch you know when it comes up with the next video and it gives you that count yeah you can switch that off in your settings so it doesn't it says there's another one but you have to actively go to it to click it on it's a little bit of a challenge because a lot of these things are decided because they want you to watch it yeah of course because the more you watch it is better for them absolutely but it's not good for your kids necessarily they they they don't have youtube buckets they have ipads that are eight and ten and they can go on roblox with the they can't talk to anyone all those sort of printer controls and minecraft and no youtube and then they've got their the apps of like you know netflix disney whatever yeah and um but we said no to youtube just because i the algorithm of just that the short is all the same as like on Instagram and you TikTok where it's just I think so what's your view on that and your daughter's seven when will you look at allowing her to have access to these apps?

16:51Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Great question my daughter knows that she's not allowed on YouTube and she actually goes to other friends houses who do watch it and she will say I'm not allowed and like we might We will tell the parents if I'm aware of it. She has watched one of her friend's older sisters play Roblox.

17:08Josh Widdicombe:Can I just ask, why specifically have you got that role?

17:12Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Because YouTube, to me, exactly for all the reasons you've both been talking about, there's a risk that she will watch something that she's not prepared to be watching.

17:22Josh Widdicombe:So it's more that than the... Because what we found was not so much... She'd just end up on hamster videos or something. But you don't know where she's going to go, do you? It was also the way she was watching was different that we didn't like. Do you know what I mean?

17:36Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Yeah, it's like an intensity, right? Like they kind of get glazed on it. Well, my kids watch Simpsons, which is a little bit too old for them, really, in sort of the comedy of it. But in a way, I'd rather them be exposed to certain swear words and a bit of that kind of crassness as opposed to this sort of like mystery magical toy that YouTube and those other algorithm type... I agree. And I say this all the time. You know, things that you watch on TV, like obviously I mentioned CBeebies, but it could be like a film, a cartoon. You have producers, directors, artists, like storytellers thinking about the story that they're going to create.

18:11Dr Martha Deiros Collado:That's not necessarily true on YouTube. And the morality of it where, for me, my experience of some of the stuff on YouTube is people are chasing views. Exactly. And what they'll look at is when the analytics... But there's a lot on YouTube. It's all about the clicks, right? And it's all about how do I keep you on for long? And I'm like, that's not looking after my kid or thinking about telling them a nice story. That's just keeping it for as long as possible. So when will you? When will I? I think if I can push it as far as I can, I will for sure. Like it's something I talk about in my book. But I think when she's more into like secondary school and then I will support her.

18:47Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I think she's, you know, I try and teach my kids about digital skills from now. And the way I do it is through me. so she doesn't watch it, it doesn't mean we don't talk about it.

18:57Josh Widdicombe:So tell me what skills you would want to impart.

19:00Dr Martha Deiros Collado:So things like digital consent is something that I've been teaching.

19:03Josh Widdicombe:What do you mean by that?

19:04Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Things like where have photos of her go, who has copies of her photos, what they are. She's got the right to say, I don't want to send that to Nanny. She can say that and I won't send the photo. Just the process of you asking your children, is it okay to send this photo, teaches them, oh, there is a process of asking if it's okay. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I work with teenagers. So I see so many teenagers who are like, somebody took my photo and put it online. I mean, we can talk about that another time. I think that's a separate episode. Let's try and focus on pre-teens because I can't access that.

19:40Dr Martha Deiros Collado:But I think it's really hard to teach kids a skill unless you give them a little bit of practice. And so I use myself as their practice.

19:48Josh Widdicombe:Yeah.

19:48Dr Martha Deiros Collado:And I will say things like, oh, look, so-and-so sent me this photo. Like in the family WhatsApp, for example. I'll show photos and go do you think they asked for permission? I would ask her that, do you think they asked? It's a group and she's like oh my god they didn't and I'm like no but do you think the photo's okay? Can you see why maybe they sent it and it's not like the end of the world? But because I've started to ask her those questions she's started to be really mindful of it including I use photos of my daughters but they're from behind the head they're on social media, they're on my sub stack and I took a photo of her piggy bank because I talked about pocket money recently and she saw her piggy bank and I said to her I'm going to use this for an article is that and I did ask her because it's her yeah it's her bookcase yeah and she said does that mean that somebody can change my piggy bank though like will they put

20:37Josh Widdicombe:a mustache on him or will they change what he looks like I mean the fact she even thought of that

20:43Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I was like okay you got it like you understand all these little conversations all these little like drip feeding of information and i said to her yeah they could change your piggy bank but do you think we'll hurt his feelings or is he okay i need to earn money so if you want any more money in that piggy bank you'll let me put it on there can i ask a question about sure so obviously what you're doing i think is fairly in the not not strict's the wrong word but you're quite uh it's a bit later for the kids there's certainly kids around seven or eight that will have access to online yes children i know that are 10 that are on tiktok already which is me too me too so obviously that to you.

21:18That's all personal opinion. Everyone's got their own idea of that. Of course. But do you worry about navigating if you hold it back and deprive them of it? I still deprive might be too strong. But hold it back from them for too long that then when they get it and the floodgates are open they go mad for it. Because Lou, for example, was not allowed any fizzy drinks growing up at all. She's on five cans of Diet Coke a day. Completely obsessed.

21:39Dr Martha Deiros Collado:She loves it. Loves it. And still... So is that sort of a... Is that a fallacy that doesn't really happen? I think it's about How you introduce it, right? So I think it's a great question. The way I think about it is there's like a concept called SLO. Right? That's the, what's it called? Acronym for it. And that's my view on how I introduce the online world to my daughters. Got you. Okay, so S is like supervision, like supervise them when they're online. So parenting controls are really high because they're little. My two-year-old's not really on anything yet. But, you know, I keep that quite high.

22:16Dr Martha Deiros Collado:then L is for life skills. So the thing that supports kids online is having the skills offline. So I'm really trying to support her with friendships and you know, she's seven. So the friendships kind of, it's exploding. There's fights about everything, competition. She doesn't love me, you know. There's a lot of that. Like strong feelings of rejection, even though like... Also potentially being out the loop because if they start messaging on email addresses and stuff. A hundred percent. And I'm like, I need to build all these life skills. like social, emotional. So one of the things that happens online, obviously, is we feel a lot.

22:52Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Like, you know, images make us feel more intensely than just words, like if you read a book. So obviously little ones are more vulnerable to that. So if they watch something, they get a big feeling. How are they going to cope with that big feeling when they switch off the screen? So I'm trying to teach her all of that by supporting her, developing emotional skills, emotional literacy, being able to say, I'm scared, I'm distressed. I watch something, I don't know how I feel about it. you know all those things I'm practicing that now always about open dialogue and we have a like I'm talking about we I use myself my husband uses himself as well we talk a lot about online I mean I work online so I have a million examples yeah and I try and frame them in ways that she will understand I might show her I'll show her videos on Instagram sometimes and nothing scary things that I think are appropriate but I'll show her why like a filter yeah so I might show her a filter so we talk about that and like look people's image change she's a girl so i'm very aware that you know her identity formation i need her to have an identity before she goes online and sees all this stuff and then that shapes her and then w is about watching it together so again it's kind of what i've started to do watch instagram together watch youtube together before i introduce youtube i'll probably watch it with her and i'll teach her you don't go over here and this is why you don't click we already do that if we do a search so we do things like search for holidays together yeah on youtube yeah so if we search and there's a pop-up you know on all the i say to her look can you see these little boxes do you do you know why we don't click on them and we'll talk about it yeah so it feels like it's not like a sit down let's open a computer it just happens moment to moment like as naturally as i can make it but that's what i focus on with that acronym like slo is not just open the floodgates yes so we do because my eldest really wanted youtube and all the friends are on youtube they watch youtube and they're they they message with their like on messaging on like the email but their friends are sending on youtube videos anyway on the message so it's a bit like you know it's hard to be across it fully but then well i was like look you can watch youtube but we're not just gonna let you go through the whole of youtube no if there's a youtuber that your friends are chatting about or you think you might like you've I've got a golf channel.

25:09Sit down and watch Daddy Swing. Yeah, why not? So there was one, so a friend loves Moira Elizabeth, who's really good, actually. She's very pure, has squishies that she repairs. Does funny. It's really creative, funny editing. It's quite a funny show. And we said, well, we'll watch that. So we sat there and watched it with them. Yeah, perfect. And then when they go on YouTube now, we go, we'll watch Moira Elizabeth. But then these other ones are sort of sneaking in now.

25:30Dr Martha Deiros Collado:So what I would say is the kind of open dialogue, one of the ways that it's really lovely for someone like you, and lots of kids at my daughter's age have it. We're quite screen light. That's just who we are. I think that's a personality thing.

25:40Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, yeah.

25:41Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I would say to your child, I always say, think about the questions you'd ask if they went on a play date or if they go to a club, you know, after school club. What would you ask your child about their time there? Because the way I think about it is when your kid opens a screen, YouTube, whatever, it is like opening a door into a different world, a digital world. But you need to think about it like it's a door. it's not just a screen and they're on a sofa their brain and their body has gone somewhere else you need to really i that my way of visualizing it is like it's a door yeah right i've just stepped into some a different world i'm now talking to different people having different experiences feeling different things and i would want to know what they've heard seen felt while they were watching moira or while they were watching some other video so open dialogue is also about thinking if you want on a play date what would I want to know and now you've gone online on your iPad what do I need to know yeah that's interesting

26:37Josh Widdicombe:it is treated as like you would you wouldn't ask those questions that you do when you really should yeah and another one of minecraft they can't talk to anyone talk to them on what they're on that's the settings we've gone on minecraft that other people come in and look at their world they created yes but But we didn't have the right setting so that they can view, not edit. So they could come in, someone come in and set fire to a village.

27:01Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Oh, no. Now, obviously, one, it's quite funny, but it's not to her. No, it's not funny. It's her whole world. If someone come over and kicked over a sandcastle. It's Lego. Or like, yeah. You'd be, what's that kid do? Devastated. So there's two things. One, as a comedian, and due to my upbringing, I use comedy as deflection from feelings. Yeah. So partly, I still want to be myself and be fun, but no, actually, let her be upset. Absolutely. That is horrible. and really actually connect with that feeling she's having rather than trying to make a joke of it or make a joke. Because you've got to sort of process that.

27:33Josh Widdicombe:You waited for the podcast. This episode of the podcast. Yeah, back in my mind, it's just all content. This is great. But I think sometimes, and I'm really guilty of this, and it's only in more recent years that I've slowed down my thinking and engaged emotions personally as well as a parent. This is him slowing down. Yeah, this is me calm. But in the past, I would have gone, either make light of it or go, it doesn't really matter. I think my dad's generation would have gone, what are you crying for? And then I would try and simplify, but try and be funny. But I think actually, if you talk to them about it, like it was a real thing that happened, even though it's online, it is a reality that they're immersed in.

28:14Dr Martha Deiros Collado:A hundred percent. And like, we can't, we need to take, we need to support ourselves and our kids to know that the stuff that happens online is real because it has a real emotional impact. and in some cases for some kids it has a real life impact right the stuff that happens online so yeah absolutely you're poor girl but you've touched on something really important which is that as parents we don't know these platforms yeah like there's so much we have to learn the truth is that as a parent you need to understand what the platform is yeah this is something i say to most people for you this might not be an issue but some people are like what but i might play it actually get the thing your kid is going to go on and play it visit it do it together you know that's why for me that acronym really works beautifully because if she wants to go to minecraft one day we'll get it and we'll do it together

29:07Josh Widdicombe:now rob as a parent every now and again you realize that there's a conversation you should probably have with your kids so what do you do rob you put it off obviously not because you don't care it's just tricky sometimes which we'll get into in this special segment brought to you by Tesco mobile. It's difficult with awkward conversations with the kids, isn't it, Rob? Yeah, we're in a big two-fairy Easter Bunny Father Christmas hole at the moment, and I don't know what to do. Well, they all exist, so I just keep talking about that. Well, I don't want to be the person that sort of breaks the news.

29:38Yeah. But then they know, but then they want us to confirm it, but do you ever confirm it? Oh, Rob. Oh, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie.

29:47Josh Widdicombe:It's difficult. I don't know what we know, but no one's saying it. But I don't want to be the person that shouts across the table. Well, do you know what? It could be worse because the birds and the bees chat. That's next. How are you feeling about that one? Are you going to do it or is Lou going to do it? I'm going to do it through a voice note online. And do you know how I'm going to make sure that voice note is okay? Yeah. Tesco Mobile Online Safety Hub. What other difficult conversations have I had? Do you know, pet death. What did you have to say about the pet death? Luckily they didn't...

30:20Beryl's passing, as it's also known. Yeah, Beryl's passing.

30:23Josh Widdicombe:R.I.P. Beryl. The problem is, they're these things which you feel like they're grown-up topics, so you shouldn't address them. Yeah, but the most important ones. Exactly. They're the biggest topics, and you feel like, oh, I can't talk to children about that. It's like online stuff. You're like, well, I should say to them, but then I'm talking to them about a thing I don't want them to see, so maybe I shouldn't bring it up at all, because they haven't seen it yet. So am I bringing it up? Is that bad enough that I'm saying this thing exists? Do you know what I mean? Sometimes my daughter's chatting to random school friends online.

30:55Yeah. So I've had to have a conversation about, if you are chatting to someone on a video call, you can't just wander around filming yourself. I don't want to tell them off either, but you can't just wander around because you're randomly filming behind you. So you've got to be aware of, if you are filming people and things, you've got to get consent from people to be in them and then try and sit over and explain and go like... Because people need to be made aware that they're being filmed and consent online. And I think if we have that conversation at home, it's better for them when they get a bit older.

31:25Josh Widdicombe:Totally. And the way to have these conversations isn't to go, let's sit down, this is a big deal. This is important. It is to just have a conversation like a human being, like you or I would. I think the thing is not to be afraid of these conversations being embarrassing. Whatever you do, your kids are going to think you're embarrassing and cringe. That's such a good point. Just have the chat. It's not embarrassing and cringe. It's just a way to be open and communicate and hopefully help them. These small conversations can build the trust that leads to bigger ones, like asking about their online lives, because keeping up keeps them safe.

31:55If you're looking for advice on how to have that chat or tools to help keep your family safe online, visit the Tesco Mobile Online Safety Hub.

32:05Josh Widdicombe:On that, right, could I give you a sideways question? Of course. Well, there's two questions, actually. The first one, which is, I think, important, is that we're talking about, you know, you can do this, you know, go slow. What if someone feels they've gone too far and they want to backtrack?

32:25Dr Martha Deiros Collado:Okay, I understand. As in you've given your child a lot of freedom online. It's much easier to set good standards early on.

32:33Josh Widdicombe:But there'll be people listening to this that go, I wish I'd done that. Yes. But I haven't done that. I feel probably guilty. I feel bad about it. How do I put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak?

32:47Dr Martha Deiros Collado:So one, my thoughts on it are, which are science-based, it's never, ever too late. If you think you've given your child too much freedom, again, I don't know why we think about the digital world so differently as to the real world. Let's say you let your child out really late, and then you're like, oh, I don't like it. I actually feel concerned. I don't think the nine o 'clock curfew is okay for you. You need to be home by seven.

33:08Josh Widdicombe:I thought that was going to be a lot later, though. I now feel really bad.

33:11Dr Martha Deiros Collado:The little ones, little ones. All right, okay.

33:13Josh Widdicombe:Not teenagers.

33:15Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I would say, you know, think about you as a parent have the authority to say, I don't feel comfortable. But the way I would always do it is own it, like I'm actually saying here. Say, look, I let you play on XYZ, and I wasn't sure, even if you're just worried and you don't know anything about it, let's say Roblox, and you've just talked about it. I've actually got a real-life example of The Sims. You can see that if you want. So I said to my daughters, love playing these games online, like Roblox, where you create a little character in the world. So I thought, oh, let's bring it back into a closed world of the Sims.

33:45So I thought, oh, that'd be quite a good one, because then, like I say, you're closing the door on everyone and everything in the world. And actually, it's a really good game. However, we started playing it, and then I was like, hang on, I don't know if this might be a little bit too grown up. But I set it all up. They've created their character, and then they had it in their house. They'd bought a cooker and a bed and a thingy and did some gardening, and then they went, oh, can you play it tomorrow? Yeah, you can play it tomorrow. So I went to bed, and I was like, you know, you didn't feel comfortable.

34:06when I looked at it he said age right so I double check the age rating is for 12 so definitely too old eight and ten yeah it's not and I was like okay well what is it and he said like oh sometimes they argue a little bit blah blah blah then I remember there's a bit where obviously the way sims work they're not up to it are they they're up to it so basically you create a person like an adult yeah and then basically they'll go like meeting neighbours and if they like something they can go on a date and then there's a scene where you click on the bed and you can say what I don't know what you click but you get they get under the face well they get under the covers and they start humping oh yeah and all you see is like fireworks and like the fireworks and the bed moving and obviously they hadn't seen any of this and then so i was like oh look i said luwin you can't let them play that no so all i've done is made them really excited and let them play a game that yeah then you pulled it out in the morning i was really because i felt really guilty i'd set them up to be all excited that's cancer and then in the morning i said like look i've looked at it it's not okay really it's way too old for you you shouldn't be playing you started playing it yeah i'm well into it now and then to be fair my daughter went okay all right yeah that's what we had with youtube yeah i mean it's funny right parents get so worried about it and often kids just go all right that was a long story on interruption to it we have four jokes about sex but um but no no i think that's how you would do it or is that so one i would say if you're not

35:28Dr Martha Deiros Collado:sure you're listening to this you had you know you had the road to roblox and you're like i'm not sure one i would say try watching it together yeah two there's a really good website called common sense media that i use all the time with my girl when it's around films and games and things like that yeah common sense media you can find anything online offline you know videos series video games all that kind of stuff and it tells you the age rating yeah so you would have seen that and gone oh yeah right and then it gives you like why why it's got the age rating but the really lovely thing that i like is it's got reviews from parents and sometimes children so one go and check it as a parent read it and then i i like to read it with my daughter she can read oh so we sit together she wanted to watch something that was actually rated 12 similar to you yeah and i was like you're seven i'm not okay with it but rather than being like i make the rule that you're it's not okay yeah if you open it read it talk about it it really helps kids understand oh that's why it's not appropriate for me and they're allowed to get upset yeah like that's a really important bit i think for parents that you're setting the boundaries and guidance not their best might you're horrible you're so mean they're allowed to feel that way and you're allowed to say as a parent i let you do something that now i realize is not that great for you and you're not ready yet you know it's the yet bit it doesn't mean you'll never get it it means we just need to wait a little bit longer and then i'll let you watch it or do it or play with it just want to feel older a lot of the time they do but you don't have to like you can slow it down and of course i would always say check watch it check those age ratings my daughters watch films that are like i don't know pg and some of them she's scared of for example wicked we tried to watch wicked together and she found it really scary you know some kids love it of her age and i was like we can listen to the music without you watching the film it really freaked her out we'll try again next year we had that with

37:27Josh Widdicombe:K-pop demon hunters

37:29Dr Martha Deiros Collado:things like Home Alone scary, burglars she was like but they're hitting people and you know we think it's hilarious but she's little and because of how her brain is to her it's so concrete but you said hitting people is bad and you know she can't and the burglars I mean, she's like, so does that mean that people can break into our house? You know, like, oh my God, what are we doing? She wasn't ready. And again, some kids find it hilarious. So know your kids. So she finds it hilarious. They're probably a bit not right. Book them in with Dr. Marta. No, they're fine. Marta got one who's actually loving the pain count on the head.

38:08Dr Martha Deiros Collado:But I think talk about it. Yeah. And then use use what's available to you. Honestly, it's a really good website. Use stuff like that to kind of... And remember, you're allowed to set a strong boundary with your kids. You're the parent. Like, that's really important.

38:21Josh Widdicombe:I think a lot of that is explaining the boundary. I think a lot of problems come if you go, these are the rules. Why? Because I make the rules. That never helps. And that's quite handy with the government. This is something... Can we do another episode about teenagers? Because we're running out of time because we've just done the younger kids. but I think that teenager ban on social media that hopefully is coming in gives a lot of parents a bit of look, it's not just me to say don't give us your views, there's a cliffhanger there oh this has been amazing, thank you so much can I just sum up that I think a lot of your stuff is like slow is a really good thing to think about yes what was the name of that website?

39:04Josh Widdicombe:Common Sense Media and just spending you know making a dialogue doing these things together exploring them together and it feels like you're saying you know it's not these hard and fast rules it's not at six this happens at seven this happens at eight this happens it's just kind of exploring that journey with your kids and i think being knowledgeable by exploring it yourself yes a hundred percent explore it

39:30Dr Martha Deiros Collado:first or with your child learn about it together we we didn't have any of these platforms growing up So, you know, don't assume that you know what's out there if you haven't experienced it. And I think communication and building that relationship of trust with your child is the key. Because as soon as you start having these conversations about what's on the online world, you give them permission for it. They're more likely to come to you when they see something that distresses them or upsets them, even if it's somebody else's house. Because they know, oh, these conversations are allowed because my mom or dad have started it.

40:02Dr Martha Deiros Collado:I think that's the key for me. I want my daughters to know I'm a safe space. You can talk to me about anything. And I can still make rules because I'm the mum. That's my job. You don't have to love me. You don't have to love the rules. But I will explain them to you. And we'll work together. You know, if she was really pushing for YouTube, I'd probably think of, okay, we'll watch some of it together. Or pick a certain creator. Because that's the thing. There's some brilliant people on it. There are. Golf influencers, stuff like that. But also there's some not great stuff. but I think if you find the right bit.

40:35Josh Widdicombe:Can I ask one more thing on that? I think you summed up. You can't ask the question after the sum up. We'll edit it earlier. I think what's interesting there is all these things are really good but a lot of the problem comes when it collides with other parents. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Other parents' rules and kids that come round to your house and they go, can we do this? Then you've got to apply your rules to them or your child goes around. How do you deal with stuff like that?

41:06Dr Martha Deiros Collado:It's a great question.

41:08Josh Widdicombe:Because it's embarrassing with another, whatever way it is, it's an embarrassing conversation with another parent. It's an awkward conversation. Because you're basically either going, I'm slightly better than you because I don't do this with my kid. Or you're going, You're scum, what are you doing? You're corrupting that young mind. Do you know what I mean?

41:24Dr Martha Deiros Collado:It doesn't have to be that. No, no, I'm not starting that.

41:26Josh Widdicombe:But that's the alarm that's going off in your head if these conversations are hurt.

41:30Dr Martha Deiros Collado:And I think this is one of the trickiest bit, actually. that kind of social

41:34Josh Widdicombe:it's good that I dropped it in later we'll do the sum up again in a minute

41:36Dr Martha Deiros Collado:that social bit with the parents is I think the trickiest bit because you either feel exactly what you're saying like I'm better than thou or

41:45Josh Widdicombe:it must be doubly bad for you it's awful for me

41:51Dr Martha Deiros Collado:absolutely awful but you know what when people come and they're like oh yeah they did watch that film they go oh so they watch TV I'm like of course they watch TV but they don't watch YouTube but it's easy for you though is it because they go What does she know? Well, she's a clinical psychologist. Oh, she does know. I think it's hard. Don't go to her house.

42:07Josh Widdicombe:It's boring. Make friends with another kid. Don't say that, don't say that. Don't say that. They eat vegetables and do jigsaws all the time when you go around them.

42:19Dr Martha Deiros Collado:We do. We do. We do do that. How do you deal with it then? I do. I mean, the way I think about it is when people come to your house, I always use this example because it's an easy one but you're either a shoes off or a shoes on household and when people come they just have to, you're in their house right? So you know I'm a shoes off, I don't know where you are but lots of people are, no no keep your shoes on I don't take my shoes off if like that's the thing they want me to do.

42:46Josh Widdicombe:I think it's weird when they say keep your shoes on because I feel I want to take my shoes off but now I can't. Well I feel the same This is a different debate It's just an example right?

42:56Dr Martha Deiros Collado:You go into somebody's house and they have certain rules and you kind of follow them you know it's like etiquette yeah some of it is etiquette right so you go in so in my house if they go can we watch YouTube I'll say no but you can watch something or you can play the switch so I offer them alternatives we're not boring but I will say no YouTube and if my daughter goes somewhere else one she will often say I'm not allowed yeah and let's be honest as parents we're all doing our best yeah we're all making different decisions for our kids but we're doing what we feel is best for them. And I think rather than being really judgy or being like, I'm better than you, it's about saying, sorry, my kid's a bit different.

43:32Dr Martha Deiros Collado:And that's okay. So all the parents, and I don't think it's because it's me, maybe it is, but I don't think it is. All the parents whose homes we've been to, and I've said, my daughter doesn't watch YouTube, their kid, their kid has instantly said, if she can't watch it, I don't want to watch it. Like that has happened. That's what good friends do, right? They protect They protect each other. And they're like, well, if she can't do it, I won't do it. Let's do something else. Easy. Also, loads of parents have said, that's absolutely fine. You know, my daughter not being able to watch certain films, I said about Wicked.

44:03Dr Martha Deiros Collado:There was a party. There was a film. I was like, she can't watch it. Like, she's just going to freak out. And the mum said, thank you so much for telling me. I'll just find something else. It's not a big deal. So, you know. You've got to knock the basketball down to adults caring what other adults think again. Yeah. And it doesn't matter. Most parents who love your kid too, your friends, will want to do what's right for them. Even if when your kid goes out the house, they're like, off you go, you can go on YouTube. That's up to them, right? But like, so think about it as, I always think we see other parents as, I don't know, in a competitive negative way, but actually most of the time, other parents are like compassionate and kind and loving, especially if they're in your circle.

44:42Josh Widdicombe:Well, when we talk about teenagers, I think that's a big thing which we'll come to, which is, you know, a lot of that is affected by I think it's almost more pronounced that parents thing and we will find out finally I would say something

44:57Dr Martha Deiros Collado:different about teenagers and what a good friend of your teen is that you might not like but do you know what I always do you know what I always say is a saying for like worrying about what people think don't worry about what people think about you just know you're better and is that a narcissistic

45:11Josh Widdicombe:trait thank you see you next week

45:21Josh Widdicombe:that's it for this week's special episode brought to you entirely by tesco mobile rob yeah i left that feeling really positive because it's not like this is right this is wrong you have to do this by this age a lot of it is just like about having a great relationship with your kid and chatting and being open i think as well i think sometimes you're a bit awkward as a parent going i don't want to you know i don't want to say the wrong thing or upset my kid or be embarrassing and stuff. But the main thing she said was chat to your kids about what's going on so you're not out of the loop. Keeping up keeps them safe.

45:54Josh Widdicombe:Visit the Tesco Mobile Online Safety Hub where Tesco Mobile have got loads of tips for keeping you and your family safe online.