S10 EP38: Aisling Bea

18:47Yes, I did. You never ask. You gossip behind people's backs, Aisling. Oh, I rub, I know. But then I had to blame her because it was like, it's not trying to victim blame, but she was taunting me with how lovingly she was rubbing her belly. It wasn't even a look thing. She just picked up her and gently... Consciously or unconsciously? Well, I thought it was consciously to go, ask me then. And I was like, can I just for a second? So she's greedy and leading you on. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, I'm going to pivot back. I'm going to say, you're beautiful, lovely, everything. The other time I did it, I was hosting a gig in LA.

19:20It was like an up and comer, newcomers, part of the comedy festival. And it was like for newcomers. and I was hosting it and I was so jet lagged and I was doing such a bad job and everyone else was supposed to be newcomers and I was supposed to be the old hand and I look like I just been picked off the street to talk into a microphone like I was doing such a bad job at stand-up and it was one of those yeah we're just gonna put the gig starts at 11 30 and you're like p.m great great fantastic 11 30 p.m to start there was a woman in the audience who was holding I later found out a jacket, but in a really, again, loving way with her hand on top of the thing.

19:58And I had this joke about, God, women are so weird, aren't they? Like women come from inside other women. I've never seen a man come from inside another man. Huh? But maybe I haven't lived enough since you, you know, like that was a gag. And I stopped my normal joke halfway through to go, women come from inside other women, don't they? You should know. And into the microphone, I pointed at the lady. Now she was a large busty lady. Oh no. As in she was very busty. She wasn't a larger lady. But she had in between me starting that, put the pile of jackets that I thought it was her pregnancy bump on the ground.

20:31And then I swung to her and I looked at her. And as I was halfway through my sentence, saw that she no longer had any sort of bump, but she did have larger boobs. So it looked like I was pointing at a booby lady going, you're probably pregnant. And then I tried to be like, cause you all, like everyone in the room knew what was happening. I was trying to pivot. Because also if she's got the jackets on the lap, you can sort of go, oh, sorry, I thought it was a jacket, but it was gone. The large pile of jackets was gone. And also in my experience of women, all women deep down think they've probably got a belly and overweight.

21:02Yeah, exactly. So we knew what was happening was the worst thing. And she knew what I was saying. Also, every woman would internalize that conversation, not go, hey, you go, oh, I'm the problem. I need to, I look, I look pregnant is what you're saying. She probably went to the gym the next day because of you. Exactly. She probably did. It was Elle Macpherson, though, and she has gotten into really good shape since. So I feel like... You kickstarted all that. No, I still think of that. Like I think of it, I'd say that lives rent-free in my head every two months. I think of that moment. It was absolutely awful.

21:32Actually, I'm really interested in your plan, pregnancy plan. You feel really on top of it, which I think is really refreshing because sometimes people have a baby and it's just panic stations. And obviously you both know that you're both ADHD and it's a bit overwhelming. So you need a plan. So obviously I just cesarean. And then there's two questions. Did you know from the start you were going to bottle feed straight away and not even try with the breastfeeding? And what other things did you have planned as your start? One of the things that was interesting was I did want to formula feed because of my shoulder and the amount of sort of chronic pain I do tend to live in.

22:04Can I just ask something on the chronic pain?

22:06Josh Widdicombe:Did you have to suddenly stop the opioids? Oh, no. As in like, I found out once my opioids run out that I'd been pregnant, Josh. Oh, OK. Oh, and she's such a light sleeper. Did I mention that? She's such a heavy sleeper. No, I'm sure the two things aren't connected. I have to go. But sorry, what I found was, was that after the fact and I did it, I've been so happy. I could like, I'm just delighted with my choice. And that's, it's just great. Like, you know, Rob, it's just like, it's a great choice. Not everyone can afford to do it, but not everyone can afford not to do it is the other thing. So like breastfeeding is only free to the partners who aren't breastfeeding, but it's not technically free, which is why we should all be celebrating anyone who breastfeeds.

22:49because it's not free. It's not free time. It's not free of your body. It's a gorgeous thing that people do, but it is. That's why I think like if you've a partner who's breastfeeding, oh my God, high five them every time they do it because it is, it becomes so normal that you forget it's a big old thing for people to be doing as well. But I did find in the run up to having the baby, there was just no information. Like my midwife was brilliant NHS midwife, but she had to like handwrite out how it worked because it wasn't loads of freely available information for you. So you felt like you were doing something that was a bit, I suppose if you're really stuck, you could do it.

23:25Yeah. Or you're being a bit naughty or you don't care or you're not trying. As if you're not really like, oh, do you not want to do the, you're lazy or you're, you know, all that kind of. And selfish. I think a lot of women get labeled as it's totally unfair, but it's a lot of pressure. Yeah. And I definitely found there was just that energy. Like, I suppose if you really feel like you can't manage it rather than like it's another thing that you can do and again that isn't talked

23:48Josh Widdicombe:about it positively is another positive option and so if someone was considering what would you say short of getting the nhs have you since found the information anywhere or is that yeah you do find it because well what i found was more people only afterwards were like oh yeah i end up doing it as well as in like you're saying robbie like oh yeah yeah here's what i liked or or my friend janine Haruni who's a brilliant stand-up who I'm sure you both know Janine sent me loads of stuff and so I got it anecdotally and my midwife was great but I was like in the first few weeks holding her handwritten out piece of thing about the numbers you know making sure like so after x amount of weeks you increase your numbers and I would have loved if there was like a little NHS class that I could have signed up to where someone told us about the numbers you know how to like go up in scale and like, okay, at that point it's 60 milligrams, next it's 90 or just to have someone say that this is, this is totally fine.

24:41And also, you know, you don't have to be paying for the expensive stuff, but if you want to throw your money at it, you can or whatever the thing is, you know. Just like you can get those machines where you can put the powder in and it tops it up. Oh my God, Rob. Tommy Tippy. But you know what? They sent me a free one and they said, you never have to post about this, which I really respected, but I will say, and I'm not here, genuinely go buy whatever you want the tommy tippy essentially an espresso machine yeah it is i feel like george clooney and there's a baby like that is been so how does it work what is it you put the formula in it automatically filters the water and puts a boiling shot so it's a hot shot first yeah and then you shake up the formula and the boiling water so it's all sterilized and stuff and then it adds and cools down the rest of it it's always the right temperature yeah it's perfect to go when it's done rather than trying to guess with a kettle.

25:29Yeah, and then we have the travel one as well.

25:31Josh Widdicombe:There's a travel one. So at midnight or whatever, are you getting up and doing that? We used to. I mean, now she's 10 months, but at the start, yeah, it was like the every four hours. And what was good about it was, and again, this is me not promoting for me. Did you have that in the bedroom or did you have the... We didn't have it in the bedroom. We're not dirty perverts, Josh. Did you have it in the bedroom? You don't have to ask like that, Josh. That's so weird. I didn't lean into the rug. He's a holy guy. He's leaning into it. He's just a horny man. What else have you got in your bedroom, actually?

25:58Forget about the kid stuff. What other electrics have you gotten there? So what was good about, again, this is not me promoting formula. This is saying the positives from my point of view is that someone else could do two runs. So I'm really good early in the morning and Jack stays up later. So he would do, say, the two four hour shifts at the start, which meant I would have six, eight hours of sleep and I would do the next two runs. So everyone's sort of being a little bit gently tired all the time. Every four hours of me going, wake up, you know, that type of thing. So it was really good for that.

26:33And again, I think the part of parenting that's a little difficult with ADHD, which you can overcompensate, which I suppose is what we're doing in a good way, is we're over trying to remember to make sure we don't forget. Because the panic would be that your brain, that's how I ended up getting knocked down, was I just sort of lost my attention on the bike. It was totally my fault. and that can happen so quickly that that's your panic that you've no control over it. There's no, your brain can just sort of go. So yeah, so that was, oh my God, this is so nice to talk about so positively, by the way.

27:03I haven't talked about this anywhere before, so it's just actually really lovely to talk about. Oh, brilliant. I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's great. Because it becomes your whole world, doesn't it? Yeah, but also talking to two people, like Rob, you did the formula way, so you know it that way. And then you did, sounds like Josh, the breastfeed. So I'm talking to two people who you can understand the nuance and not feel like you're going to get clipped. Yes. Because that's the panic is when you talk about this stuff on podcasts or interviews, people will take it without the nuance or information or chat.

27:30And then suddenly you'll be the face of like anti-breastfeeding or, you know what I mean? It can get quite culty, really. And the cult of this and the cult of that, where you've just got to do what works best for you and the baby. Yeah. And also you're still a mother with a baby who's like, oh, I don't have to deal with any of that. I want to be able to talk about this in a positive way and not feel like I'm, someone's going to take the words and go breast hell boy now. So yeah, so that's how we sort of managed the start was that we'd sort of like, and in the very first few weeks, you're both every few hours just seeing who the hell this little person is in your, you know, and finding your own kind of way.

28:05Josh Widdicombe:Are they breathing? Yeah, are they breathing? Are they breathing? Are they breathing? Oh my God, is it breathing? Maybe I took the wrong one home. Has it definitely done the right amount of boiling water? The machine is the machine working. Yeah, exactly. Let me measure it just in case. Let me taste it. What is 60? What even is a number? Who is a number? What's an ounce? Yeah, what's an ounce? Who is an ounce? We've all worked in showbiz long enough to know what an ounce is. And then we got the other, and again, sorry, there are other versions of this stuff available. Yeah, yeah, of course. Tommy, to be travel stuff, which is a magic.

28:32Do you ever... We never had to travel one, no. So there's a travel thing you can get. There's no plugs. It never needs to be recharged. And we still don't understand how it works. And this is like a thing you put the formula into, then the amount of boiling water in, and you're out on the go and you shake it, put your finger down on this little star at the top. It goes red, which means it's boiling. And then in about 40 seconds, it reduces the entire temperature to perfect temperature. In my head, sometimes I go, it must be the metal has an effect on heat that then somehow takes the sun and the shine and removes the metal.

29:10So is that red a light? Yeah, it's like a little light. Where is that exactly, Josh? Are you sure it's not going to run out at some point? It hasn't in seven or eight months. But yeah, there's a real... But that's the thing, you do need that kind of stuff. Because, you know, with your job, an actor, comedian, you're travelling, doing your tours or you're on set. And we travel loads, yeah, with the baby. So how are you splitting up at the moment?

29:32Josh Widdicombe:Last time I saw you, I was at a gig and you had the baby with you. Yeah. Can I just say she stayed away through my whole set and then she slept during Josh's. And I still want you to know, Josh, that that was not a reflection on your new material. I know that got in your head and she was sort of negging you in a way by going, I'm fine. Josh was blaming the opioids. Waste of a ticket. Yeah. I'm quite a, like, I suppose, acknowledging that we're both Jack's a musician and I'm, I'm a model. And so acknowledging our life is very, but you know, like your kids are also in the circus as well, like they're circus babies and that they have been exposed to you guys being on telly and the weirdness of that and what you guys do for a job.

30:14Well, it's easier for us, though, really, as dads, because we were out on tour where Lou was more of the default parent at home and picked up a slack where you're actually, I mean, I'm not sure what Jack does, if he's traveling a lot or if he's in the studio. But who's like the default parent out of you? Or is it a 50-50? I would say it's Jack a lot of the time. So he's able to compose and stuff at home. And then he's got like a radio show on a Thursday on Hoxton Radio. Tune in. It's got real cool music. But we're lucky in that regard. And that's the other positive is that seeing, I suppose, the man's, and I'm obviously talking about a heteronormative relationship here, rather than say like two women where there's a lot more people to talk to you in a different way.

30:55I think when you're two women having a baby, I think sometimes people are like, aren't you great now to even hold the baby with men sometimes? And that can be sort of patronizing to women, but also to men. It's kind of patronizing to men to be like, yeah, like that's the bare minimum I'd be doing now is going for a walk. We only went away for like five nights to Miami when they were one and three. And people are going, and you've got them. I was like, yeah, I can look after my children. You know what I mean? It's like, yes. I can also drive a car, use an iPhone. Like I'm, yeah, absolutely. I also know them.

31:23Like they're not strangers. They're my children. Yeah. And there's that quality, which I think is like, I think fatherhood. And I think this is like, I would be a big, I think there should be such a look at parental leave for men and partners because it disables men as much as it has an effect on women, like to allow the softness of fatherhood to set in and in the early stages, get a hold of all of those bits where it's an exciting, like getting a new house or a new car or, you know, it's like the exciting start bits, working it all out. I just think fatherhood, I was very conscious maybe because I had no framework to work from.

32:04And Jack's mom is a midwife as well. And, you know, Jack is a very, he's very comfortable in his sexuality and doesn't care about like what sort of alpha looks like or anything like that. I was very conscious of making sure that I didn't default, that we tried to default into us as people rather than trying to like, oh, I'm the woman, I'll do all of this stuff. And then, and maybe because I am a bit, as you both know, kind of like an ardent feminist about certain things. But I think feminism comes from like allowing men to be as soft, so to speak. Josh, I know you're probably thinking, no, thank you and I heard men being soft hard all the time baby you're too bloody right mate 24 7 you're basically on the Joe Rogan podcast here so Josh brushes his teeth with standing knives but to allow that is like the ultimate thing in feminism is to allow men that the softness of fatherhood and and the cuddly side and to allow a defaultness yeah but you do need boring admin for that you need to go well let's do bottle formula you do that because you can't breastfeed a baby for six months and go, right, I'm going back on tour now.

33:06Yeah. And just leave this baby. Because I'm fair on the baby because the baby's all confused and out of sync and you need to have this plan. Yes. Whereas we got out there early, early on. So our big thing was like we would hand her to people early on. So she gets used to kind of like being in social environments. We would, I mean, we went to Fontaine's DC with her with headphones on and left her side of stage. Oh, wow. With this lad's security. I think she was about two, three months old. and she just rocked away, fell asleep, just like she would during a Josh Whittakin performance. I'm glad I'm in good company at least.

33:39Yeah, exactly. I do think there's massive pressure on women though, because at the moment for women, because it's all about women can do whatever men can do and go out and have a career. It shouldn't be any different. But it is, of course it is. Of course it is. But then there would still be pressure to go, oh, well done, Ashley, but you're going to go off and do a tour. Oh, you're not going to stay at home and breastfeed for eight months. You're not really being a mum. Hang on, how can I be this version of a woman and the new version of a woman? And something's got to give. You can't. It's impossible to do both.

34:05You know what I mean? And also, I think that's why it's lovely to talk about here and with two dads. This is just such a safe place to talk about it, I suppose, because people listening in actually probably know the reality on the other side and how it changes. And also, like, I didn't have any maternity leave. Famously, Showbiz has no HR or maternity leave. And there's nowhere to complain and there's nowhere to hand you benefits. and I would have loved time, but I'm the main breadwinner. And so I don't have that as an option. And a lot of people don't. In America, maternity leave is two weeks.

34:34So people have to get back to work really quickly. And self-employed like we are. If a big drop, I got offered Taskmaster and the filming was four days after my daughter was born. At that point in my career, you can't say no to the biggest opportunity in your industry. So you just have to go and like you're in a similar situation. Yeah, like I had to do press for a film three weeks after the baby was born and I didn't enjoy being on camera, you know, a few weeks after the baby was born or anything like that. And major surgery, really? Major surgery. Yeah, exactly. If you'd had a hernia out, you'd probably go, I'll skip that because I'm recovering.

35:07Yeah, and people are like, oh, we don't expect you to do Lorraine after a hernia. So those things are the reality of my job. But I think the reframe of maybe the negative side of that is maybe the alternative way of doing it It shows you almost like there is not very many positives out of COVID guys. But the one thing it showed the world is that another type of work day is possible. And I think for so long, say women were kept out of the workforce because who can totally afford nine to six to go into an office to be there from nine to six if you were, if you have kids. And it showed that there is another way of working where you could come in on a Zoom or work.

35:48Like my mother was on her own and she was a teacher. She was a retired jockey, but also a teacher. that's not a joke by the way she was a retired jockey that might sound like a silly thing to say it sounds like an old phrase but yeah yeah she's a retired jockey it'll take off all around britain sure i'm a retired jockey yeah no she actually was but she also taught um secondary school kids and the principal would allow her to do the first class in the morning which meant she could drop us in because we lived in the middle of her drop us into school and get to the first class on the other side and then horseback obviously on horseback yeah sorry drop us off from the wagon And then on the way back, do the second last class of the day because it was secondary school.

36:27So she could get back in time for us to be home. But that was a very nice male principal working around one person outside of the system on his own to make sure she could go to work. And sort of those systems in place always feel like you're doing someone a favor rather than out of that. You get a really engaged teacher at the right time. And I think sometimes something throwing you into a situation shows you how there can be another way. So I had to go to work. So Jack had to be at home feeding the baby a lot of the time. Yes, of course. But that's given us so much and it's given Jack so much.

36:59Because also the other thing that happens is, and I have stand up about this I'm working on, so I'm not going to give you all my gold right now, boys. Are you on tour though? Has your tour been announced? Tour has been announced. Shall I run you through the dates? Yeah, go on. Oh, me? Oh yeah, go on. When is that, Josh? We'll get back to this as well, but we might as well get the plug in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

37:15Josh Widdicombe:I'm putting a little pin. You're doing the new Soho Theatre of Waltham style, which is apparently lovely. Oh, it looks amazing, that venue. Yeah, it doesn't. I haven't been into it yet, but it looks real glam. You're doing two nights there in February next year, this is? That's when it starts and then it goes on for two months around the UK and Ireland. Cardiff, Durham, York, Cheltenham, Brighton, Dublin, Wexford, Dublin, Oxford, Ipswich, Tunbridge Wells, Hammersmith, Leicester, Sheffield, Chester, Salford, Dundee, Aberdeen, Glasgow, Cambridge, Bristol, Birmingham and Belfast and then I'm adding a Cork date because so many people from Cork got in touch with me over Instagram they were like do you not like Cork then what's wrong with I'm having that with Bromley I'm trying to find a date they're kicking right off there's a version of anywhere near where you're from people going oh what's wrong with us yeah it's a 16 minute train to London I'm doing the Palladium get on the fucking train I'm doing Troy and Exeter Plymouth is a difficult one to book okay and also there's only so many days in the week you also have the other bits to do They don't have the energy all the time What's the show called actually And what's it about It's called Older Than Jesus Right okay Because I didn't feel bigger than Jesus Was probably correct At this time though guys At this time obviously I'm staying ambitious Now you've added a cork date Who knows Listen once I hit cork Then perhaps it will be bigger than Jesus Yeah do cork on Easter Sunday And see what happens Yeah exactly exactly Who comes Do they come to my gig Or do they go to mass Are you taking your daughter Yeah a will for I mean who knows By like this time She's like this child is up on her legs climbing the land.

38:53Already. So who knows by next year she might have a full time job as a barista. I suppose it is more or less

38:57Josh Widdicombe:a year away. It's like eight, ten months away. Yeah, it is. I think we'll go gig by gig. My dream would be to be able to go but it'll be like depending on Jack's work as well. I'm lucky my man moved over a year ago so she's kind of around in bits and bobs. So it'll be if there's more than three or four days I'd be a bit sad not to bring her but also Jack's brilliant. Jack's I think being a creative the best friend. He's brilliant with stand-up and sort of like directing. But he does, but he also loves comedy. So he's really good at like, and I think I will need someone, because I've never toured before.

39:29You guys are so used to it. Yeah, so this is the first tour. Done Edinburgh shows full hours for the month there.

39:35Josh Widdicombe:Why have you not toured before, Aisling? I think, well, first of all, there's the acting career takes up so much time. When I was writing my show, that would be the tour length. like to write two series of this way up to get a written pilot and commissioned was about five years and then I would go and do pilot season in LA trying to get acting work and I've always been gigging. That's the other thing with acting is if you've got a tour booked in and then something comes along. Exactly and I've got an acting job which I can't talk about sorry guys uh from September to January. It's Spider-Man 7 so they have to fill in all the other ones for it they're just yeah.

40:09The Wicked Web, Web of Lies.

40:11Josh Widdicombe:All good ideas. And that's made it really good because I'm I'm like, ah, the acting will be done and that job will be in the edit. And then. Acting is a long day, right? Yeah, I find stand up easy to do after acting because I love it so much. And again, it's around groups of people. I love doing stand up with other comedians. My favourite place in the world is backstage when we're at Osby Comedy. Yeah. Like I remember that gig. I didn't have any childcare, so I had to bring the baby. And I only said yes because Josh was going to be there. I was like, oh, my pal. Like as in. That's nice. Like I feel like that's my social life.

40:40Are you taking tour support then on the tour? I don't think so. I think I might do a Catherine Ryan. Catherine's show is so incredible. If you can go and watch Battle Axe, it's so, so good. And she opens on time with her and then does a bit of improv with questions and stuff in the second half. And I think I might do that every now and again. I might have a tour support depending on the place, but I think I might do. Give it a go. And you can always put someone in. Exactly. If you're getting a bit lonely and stuff. Because that's the lonely bit is the tour bit that I, you guys are so, because you start out and you immediately did tours.

41:12Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. It's still hard, whatever. Even the experience, just being on your own in a strange city is difficult and especially being away from the kids. But I think doing it for two months is a good idea. Do your guys ever come with you? It's school now, is it? It's school. And when they're really young, well, when they were really young, it was COVID, so I weren't gigging. So that was quite nice in a way. But I think the thought of taking like a two-year-old would be hell. But now they're seven and nine. They came on tour with me for a couple of shows. Their nan and granddad came down.

41:38So I'd finish the gig, come back, grab the kids, and we'd go to our hotel room and they loved it and it was a real adventure. Oh, gorgeous.

41:45Josh Widdicombe:Did they come to the gig, Rob, and like look at the venue or anything? They have before, but they didn't this time because it was like nice weather. They were just, they had a swimming pool at the hotel so they were just in that. And so that's what the audience thought as well. No one came to that gig, did they, Rob? Yeah, they all just thought. Everyone was like, oh, it's nice weather. I'm going to hang out with Rob's kids. Isn't that actually really funny? Yeah, but that's been really good fun. So we're doing more of that. So when I go to Australia, they're coming out to Australia and they're going to be there for a couple of the shows.

42:06They're having a holiday. So we're at a stage now where I can incorporate them, but there's definitely a stage where they're quite difficult. But now they're just like your little mates that you hang around with. So I feel like that's why I decided I'm going on tour now when she is sort of bringable around, because I know that time will hit. I think what I've been very lucky at, because I've had a baby older in life, that's where you guys go, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You're not older than Jesus. Thank you. You're not even older than Jesus. Yeah, exactly. What age is he? Just a mere 2025.

42:34I think that I've had loads of people to watch. Like I didn't really do any classes around to have a baby. I just had been watching my friends for a decade. How old are you, Ashton? Do you mind me asking? I'm 41 on Wikipedia, but I'm obviously 30 in the minds and hearts of the people of Britain and Ireland. And agents booking gigs. And agents booking gigs. And E4. Sorry, let me just like my voice. I'm just, don't you, 41? You actually sound older. I know. But I think that I have thousands of hours worth of friends, kids. And even like Catherine was the one, I think before any of us had kids, little Violet was always around.

43:08She was always around. And seeing her be part of backstage and how much she loved it. And her favorite thing was being around her mom. So for me, Violet, and like I have so many pictures of Violet with my little girl now. And it's kind of like OG gig baby.

43:20Josh Widdicombe:I call her OG gig baby. I sometimes worry about like, should I be bringing my kids more? Do you know what I mean? But it's if you can or if you want to, whereas like Catherine didn't have that as an option. I don't have that as an option. So it's just making it, but it can, I suppose my point being like the alternative life can sort of bring up good things as well. Totally, totally agreed. And as long as it's with your intention as a parent. Yeah. And even if staying at home and not talking to anyone for six months and just getting to know your baby is your intention as a parent that you want to do.

43:53Yeah. And that's the one for you because you're also tailoring it to you as a person or you as a couple. and that's not going to be the same as anyone else. Yeah, of course. And so that's what you tailor to. And I'm very, I think, again, having a baby older meant that there was no bit of me that was like, I'm not going to get shamed for formula feeding or no one's going to tell. Like, really? I don't give a shit. I'm having a great, like, this is working for us. I think we were too scared and nervous at 10 years ago. We were like, oh, we must do that because they've said that. But now if me and Lou would have a baby, we'd go, right, what?

44:24I think you should. I think you do want another one. No, not another kid. Fuck off. No way. I remember, I remember we were doing 8 out of 10 cats And I remember you were having a baby And it felt like such an adult thing to be doing But also you guys had been together longer I am young for this industry We had kids at 29, which is young in this industry In show business, exactly But I remember, I remember that you having a baby

44:43Josh Widdicombe:Romesh and Catherine were the first And you, yeah, and then Rob had babies Rob had one before me Rob was two years ahead of me So last summer, I don't know what they were giving out At kind of like comedy festivals but myself and Daniel Sloss had a baby on the same day. So Daniel Sloss's second baby was born the same day as Saoirse and my little bubba. And then like, who else was there? Russell, Russell Howard's was born, I think a month before. Like there's a load of like very either funny or disappointingly serious babies coming in 18 years. There's a lot of people that just want to get on our podcast.

45:16Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, thanks for booking me. It only took time. I was like, sure, I'll get on like Joe Lycett early, but no. And then Joe had his baby a couple of months later as well. I had a book out, Aisling. Jo, I had a book out. And look at me. I had a tour. You had a tour.

45:30Josh Widdicombe:There's no point wasting an appearance on this if you haven't got something out. My content is called Searsha. Sorry, no, no. My baby. My baby is called Searsha. Your content machine. I found having kids, I don't know if you found this because you're 10 months in, made me reflect more on my childhood and stuff like that and how I was born. It's just natural. It happens to everyone. And like you said before, your dad wasn't around. how did you think that affected you know the pressure you were putting on Jack or the expectations of Jack because did it affect how you thought about it? Yeah I definitely had no expectations on Jack which I think was a good as in my expectations on Jack were more from my knowledge of the genderedness of life for example the phone calls from the doctor that's just a small thing of like organizing and if you're organizing all the doctor's appointments and everything.

46:19That's a whole other kind of quiet, invisible job. And I've had all of those conversations about how that happens in all of our lives. I even remember when we'd be doing panel shows and I remember like you guys get dusted quickly because it's so beautiful, obviously, but also as men, you get your powder done quickly. Whereas, especially if there was only one girl on a panel show, I'd be in makeup for an hour because I'm such a hag. But like you get your hair and makeup done and actually you, I would hear you guys chatting out in the corridor and I wanted to jump in and be like chatting away but there's a whole hour where you don't get to chat to the and there's like loads of little things like that that are quite quiet things that can make such a big difference at times and so I had more expectations maybe or things I wanted to chat to him and sort out based on that rather than not having a dad because I've no framework there on that the the side of it that comes up I think if you've lost lost a parent as a kid How old was she when he passed away?

47:16I was three and my sister was three months old. And so I really got very reflective over my mother. That side of it gets so, you can become so reflective and you go, oh my God, how many of these? It's almost like you can't even let your brain imagine all of the little moments that you have. Yeah, of what she had to do. Yeah, and even having to chat, having someone to chat to who will love your baby as much as you will to go, look at her doing this and look at her doing that. And those bits get very reflective. And my mother's like an absolute powerhouse, but it's, it makes you almost like put yourself in, in her shoes.

47:54And that, that kind of wanes a bit after a few months, but at the start, you're just so aware of how young they were as well, you know, cause I'm older than they would have been. And you're just like, oh my God, you were babies with no Google, no texting your friends, no WhatsApp groups in the middle of nowhere type of thing. And those things become very reflective because you wrote a brilliant piece in the guardian about your dad and stuff like that taking his own life and stuff so there was also so much grief around them and also it makes you know the way you think your uncles and aunties are like all they're like born in their 80s or born in their 70s you know you just think they've always been 70 haven't they and then you look back and they were actually like people in the network around like my mom and they were in their 30s like they were younger than me and I feel like a big dumb idiot and I'm like oh my god And they were all helping in because they had to as like uncles and aunties.

48:41And even my mom was saying about how much one of my uncles, who I wouldn't necessarily think is a super like, I love babies sort of person, but he just held my sister for months on end. And those months, like even now, Saoirse is only 10 months old. But the first couple of months, everything just starts deleting. So I can imagine that's like what you guys are like. You can barely remember. Yeah, yeah. The in between in the first year where you just start deleting information.

49:03Josh Widdicombe:I remember like having kids when we had my daughter and she say six weeks or whatever and then you've got a concern I remember asking Ellis and Izzy yes and they were like oh I don't remember and I was like yeah are you fucking insane it was 18 months ago yeah this is so big how have you not got the answer on this you feel like you know in memento where anytime I hear someone's having a baby I'm like hi I'm gonna have to tell you this quick because I'm almost at the six month point and I'll forget if I don't and she had six months next week and it's about to delete. I have to tell you really quickly.

49:36At the start, I really enjoyed swaddling. I can send you the video I sent to my friend Emily if you want to swaddle. You just start thinking that it's all, you know, the whole thing's going to delete. I had a routine on tummy time. Yeah, tummy time. So I did a routine on that. I think we're doing that now. I've had a baby recently. I'm like, who the fuck's laughing at that? Yeah, I know. Oh my God, tummy time. I was like, yeah, God, I do your tummy time. And you think before you have a baby, you'll be on top of that physio stuff and then you're like ah she'll discover her tummy eventually i suppose exactly i'm sure i'll be fine i'm sure they'll somehow find a way to lift their head and look at me if they want to i find that like that initial wave you got the start of like all being overwhelming i find that you get little moments just burst into your mind almost like a sort of an explosion yeah like a hangover and what did i do last night well i took my kids crazy golf my dad was there and my dad sometimes would like laugh if i wasn't good at golf kind of thing which when you're a kid is really like annoying and then my kids were doing it and not getting it in.

50:30And it was quite, they were literally like trying to hit the ball backwards and he was laughing. But I remember that really annoying me when I was a kid. And all of a sudden I had this rush going, that used to annoy me. And I said to him, don't laugh at them when they're doing that because it's not nice. He went, oh, but it is quite funny. I was like, yeah, but I didn't like it. They didn't like it. You know, and then he was like, oh, and he was like, oh, okay, sorry. Because it is fun. The way they're old in the club, it is quite, but you don't realise how vulnerable a little seven-year-old girl is with a golf, you know.

50:53And do you think it's actually easier maybe for parents to absorb that as a grandparent rather than as a parent when now you know they would have been so tired. Yeah, exactly. Just trying to get through the day going, I'm not going to bother with tummy time today. I'm just trying to get through the day. Yeah, of course. But as a grandparent, they can have enough time to sort of like absorb that and take that in. And not be defensive. He just went, oh, fair enough. Yeah, I've never thought of it like that. I won't. And he wasn't doing anything mean. But yeah, when he's busy and stuff like that in time, also a different generation of parenting.

51:21Yes. It's so different. But I find I get little waves of, whoa, hang on, what's going on here? This is taking me back. Do you know what was interesting, actually? We went to, Catherine Ryan had a birthday party a couple of weeks ago for her kids and your gorgeous girls were there. And I was like, how are they that age? Because I remember you having your first baby during eight out of 10 cats. And I was like, oh, your kids are now the age that we all do stand up about. You know, all of us, I think as comedians do a lot of like, you remember when I was a kid? Your mum, your dad used to do this. That's very much my shtick as well.

51:49And it's funny seeing your kids, if they become stand ups, this is the time they're going to be talking about. No, I feel everything I do now between like seven to 12 or 13. It's like, this is the memory bank. Are you doing like Rob PR? Them as future stand-ups being like fun dance. Yeah. I was like, you remember when you did that? No, I don't remember. You know, that's so true. But yeah. And the things you hang on to. I remember my mother got really offended. So we make a Holy Communion when we're about seven or eight, which is like your wedding to Jesus. It's just a great day out for everyone.

52:20There's nothing problematic about that at all. We just dress up in wedding dresses and marry Jesus. And I remember I didn't, my veil didn't come. So I had a clip in my hair and the veil didn't come. And a different bag to the handbag I wanted came in the box as well. Again, there's no time to like ring up the customer service. Like that wasn't a thing. So I had to have no veil for my communion. All the other girls had full wedding veils.

52:43Josh Widdicombe:Oh God. I remember like that being like, well, it just shows you that nothing ever goes my way. Like I remember the devastated feelings. And I said that years later to my mother and she's like, that didn't happen. I didn't know you were devastated by that I was driven all the way to Dublin to get you available and it was so you know what she was focused on I put a pin in something to remember to talk about earlier on I can't remember what it was that's what this show is Aisling it was going on tour I said you had a bit of stand up about something and then I said oh you're going on tour this is a serious point behind the stand up yes that was it it's the hours only because I just want to talk to you guys about it out of anywhere that I could talk about this stuff you're not getting this on and off man you Aisling Listen, no.

53:22I said, James and Ed want to hear about my Malcolm Gladwell 10 ,000 hours on parenting concept. Yeah, pop a thumbs or bread. I just want a bit of time to myself. Pop a thumbs or bread. Can I eat them alone? Yeah. Wherever it is. Half a pack of breadsticks in the back of the car after nursery drop off. Just somewhere alone where I'm not being watched or waited for or waited on. So Malcolm Gladwell has this book. He's a social commentator or writer. 10 ,000 hours. Yeah, 10 ,000 hours. And it's based on the idea that, say, for example, when Bill Gates got to university. He was a genius at university on computers, but he'd also had, from the age of 16 or 17, a local computer.

53:59So he had all of these 10 ,000 hours of practice before he got to university that the other probably also geniuses had. So it was just easier.

54:08Josh Widdicombe:And it's the Beatles went to Hamburg, didn't they? And they played for 10 hours a night. Well, I think Bill Gates, his mum, worked in a school and he got taken over the summer to this school and there was a computer and they would have a go on that. And he was on it for six weeks. And then basically at uni, all the students got like an hour a week on it. And he could really use that hour. That was the thing of it. And even like I think about like I always felt my stand-up career took off before I'd had my 10 ,000 hours of gigs. That always stayed in my head that I was like, I don't feel like I've had mine.

54:37You were rocketed through all the competitions. But then I had to go, OK, well, I have been acting for a long time before.

54:42Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, because acting is a similar thing or people who come from writing often, they are similar type of hours, if that makes sense. I remember when I did Live with Apollo for the first time, I felt like, oh my God, I've never even been in this room before. Whereas other people are like, I've come and watched and da da da. And I always felt, it always stayed at me at the start of my standup career. Like I haven't had my hours for everything to not be sort of on high tension. Because I'm learning the size of rooms at the same time as having to do the gig and everything. But with acting, I sort of felt like I did have that.

55:11But I think the gendered side of maybe having a baby is that women tend to have been given 10 ,000 hours of holding babies because everyone hands babies to women in a room. And my passion has been, since she's been born, handing her to men first. So if friends come over, I hand the baby to men. I mean, you'd want to see some of like Jack's musician friends being like me. And I'm like, you. But also that's helping women down the line because I went to a class with my sister when she was pregnant and her husband was at work. And so I went with her as the husband and myself and all the other dads had beers in between.

55:49I'm like, these ladies, am I right? I really enjoyed myself. But one thing I noticed was at this class, all of the dads who were like lovely guys in their late thirties hadn't really held babies before. And they were asking really simple questions, which of course they should be allowed to ask the silliest questions. But I was like, oh, these are coming to parenthood, not having held babies. And so if you're tired, you will defer to the person with the most experience. And so a big thing is that if you have babies, hand them to your male friends and for men to feel comfortable going, oh, can I have a cuddle?

56:20Can I have a cuddle with the baby? And to hold them or even at Always Be Comedy, I give Saoirse to you or I give her to James Gill, who runs Always Be Comedy and just try to hand her to like, oh my God, Nish Kumar with that baby. He's just cuddling and squashing my little baby all the time. And to try and,

56:34Josh Widdicombe:you know give men babies to cuddle i definitely wasn't comfortable around babies when i had a baby and that's probably because you hadn't been handed them they were all hogged by the older women in the family though because if you go to the family event the man or the aunties go give them here and then it's an actual almost a fight over the baby over the baby and then if you're at the side you're like well i won't get involved in that because and because also as a man you feel like well obviously my mom missed having a baby it's unfair to take that moment away from that and I'll just let them get on with it kind of thing.

57:03Because also as well, as a bloke, if you go, oh, can I hold your baby? Yeah. There was a little bit within society going, oh, fucking pervert. Especially if you lean into the microphone like Josh. Give me the baby. Give me the baby. Give me the baby. But I think that's one thing we have to try and do. And I've been really passionate about it. This is me kind of trying to like fly my little feminist flag in the small ways. So what you're telling is women, just hand your child to any men you see. Any men you see when they're out in the street, especially the ones that look like they need a hug no they're not the ones I need a hug and have your baby of course you can sir I heard it on a podcast that this is a way of being a feminist and did Jack feel yeah because he's got loads of nieces and stuff like that and kids in his family so he's really used to kids and the good thing about having ADHD is you're very child friendly because you're nearly always like yeah of course

57:52Josh Widdicombe:did you used to do those kids gigs Ashley? I did but I would people forget and i think i talked to ed and james about this on off menu actually people forget what i know crossover i know listen listen um sorry guys i just used up the same content you guys all look the same to me exactly she asked for a tommy tippy instead of sparkly oh this was it what i mentioned on their thing was i'm more blue and please keep this in mind if you're booking for my tour my material has a lot more sex and blueness in it than i remember or people think or even if they've come to see my gigs they remember and I would go to do these kids gigs and then get through what I remembered was a lovely story about going to the shop and then it'd be like oh no this ends in fingering yeah am I going to pivot and then we all went to the shop I swear more than I think I do or people think I do yes yes exactly you don't come across as sweary but you are very F-bommy yeah yeah I swear more when I'm tired as well get it out of the line actually we always finish with the same question This has been amazing, by the way.

58:54I think it's really refreshing. We always end on the same question, Ashley. Oh, go on. Yes. Papadums or bread?

59:00Josh Widdicombe:Papadums or bread. I love bread. But I also quite like papadums. This is a quantity. Potato waffles, yeah. So, Body of Christ would be your tour name, if you want to tie it in. Oh, yes. Bread. We're not doing papadums or bread. What we're doing. What one thing about your partner, and we've spoken a lot about your partner, and it seems like it's... Jack, yes. Well, I suppose it's been, I have such, it's putting dads into a focus. And this is like a podcast by two dads and not having grown up with a dad. It stays in my head a lot about how to help us all. I think it's a very positive thing about your relationship, though, that you have.

59:36Josh Widdicombe:Like, do you know what I mean? I'd say that comes across. What one thing about him blows your mind at how brilliant he is as a parent? And what one thing, if he was listening, have you not brought up? that's just a small annoyance. Oh, I could literally call him downstairs now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's great. So the one for if he's not listening so he doesn't get a big head, I think wanting to be there and do the stuff. And it was the feeding actually and how much he took to the passion of doing formula. So I didn't have to work it out and ask him to help me. I had to help him work it out, if that makes any sense.

1:00:17So I wasn't the CEO of feeding. He was. So he was in charge of food. Okay. And you worked it out together or he took the lead rather than you saying. And I still have never learned how to fold a buggy and I'm fine with that. I am still like working out the machine, the formula, the bottles. And I don't feel guilty about that because I'd done loads of other stuff with my body. So fine. Yeah. And I loved that that was never, I didn't have to ask that. And he also say books in the dentist and does the doctor appointments. and that was one conversation once and now his phone number is on it. And that's, I love that those things which are so often deferred for no reason.

1:00:54There's no reason they have to be my job. I'm not better at them. I've also never had a kid before. There's not, you know. And especially if you're working more. Exactly. And even if I was better at that side, I can't just step in and imagine that he will be able to get better if I'm always stepping in. So that's been a big part of it. And then if he listens, if you're listening, please stop leaving empty bottles of milk around the house it's milk even if it's formula it's a heat wave they're plastic bottles stop leaving them around the house because I have to go on my collection I bring a basket around the house like a lady from the 1800s to collect like look at these things aren't they neat wouldn't you think my collection's gonna bleed and I'm putting old bottles into baskets and then bringing down the stairs in my elderly ye olde basket so I would love that to really be hammered home stop leaving empty bottles of milk.

1:01:45Josh Widdicombe:That's amazing. If that's the thing. Let's hope that he hears it. Yeah, let's really hope that he hears it. I mean, I've said it. He's probably still listening to your off menu episode, isn't he? It's been heard, but it hasn't been heard. Well, the good thing for me, even though, you know, even if he doesn't do anything about it, the baby will be off milk soon anyway, and he'll look like he has. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. We'll just give her what my mother said was like, you just give her some seven up. What? In the end. I'm like, seven up? Really? Do you know what? It's fine. You were doing it on your own.

1:02:087-Up of course When would she give you 7-Up? Apparently Like we had 7-Up quite I mean there's a lot of things In Irish houses That I think are like 7-Up It's quite specific isn't it You talk to anyone Irish And they're like Remember when I broke my arm And my mother gave me Boiled 7-Up So what's 7-Up? So boiled 7-Up Is given to every Irish child And I think the idea Would be Like it was electrolytes Right With the bubbles Taken out of it Oh right What the electrolytes are Is like pure sugar Yeah

1:02:38Josh Widdicombe:Oh, it's an American drink. I was about, I was Googling it and thinking, oh, it must be an Irish drink. No, it's an American drink. No, 7-Up is the most popular. And we went to actually a course the other day, one of those, you know, what to do if they're choking. What do you call those? First aid course the other day. And I was like, I will go to that in person. And the woman doing it was brilliant at the centre across the way. She was like, now if there's a burn, you don't put Suda cream or Suda creme, as some people say. We say Suda creme. You just say Suda creme. I don't, I didn't really. I hadn't even realised but it's spelled C-R-E-M-E isn't it?

1:03:06It is I think something about me wanted to be so down to earth that I couldn't even say creme but apparently like we put like I'd put pseudocream on the baby when she wakes up just to make sure You'd shut the eyelids back down again for another hour We look like ghosts hanging around the house with all the pseudocream like everything stained with pseudocream and apparently you don't put pseudocream on burns you put cling film if you're going to the hospital or you put tin foil if you've run out but yeah so that was a real pseudocream and boil 7up are like the two things that has gotten Irish people to the age of 18.

1:03:34Josh Widdicombe:Ashlyn, this has been amazing. Thank you so much. I'm going to go and have a seven up. Good luck with the tour. When does it start? February. February. And the tickets are all on sale now. As I say, we've had a Cork dates and we've had the Apollo and stuff like that. So that's really nice. Brilliant. Amazing. Lovely to speak to you, Ash. All my love. And also to everyone who's listening who's a parent, just do your best and I'm sure you're doing what's right for you and all the rest. And please don't at me with anything that you have tips for. I really don't want to hear. This is all Ashlyn's personal opinion that works for her.

1:04:00Josh Widdicombe:The bad news is Aisling. Please don't. They've already done that. They haven't gone to the end of the podcast before doing that. Gone to the end podcast. Aisling B. That was great, that one, Josh. Brilliant. So good. That was peak parenting hell, that. Peak parenting hell. Some really niche stuff that is incredibly important to a certain demographic about formula feeding and then pivoting into her daughter falling asleep watching you do stand up. Exactly. Something for everyone. There we go. She was great there. Good luck to Aisling. Very funny. Very good actor. and on tour. Older than Jesus. Older than Jesus.

1:04:32Older than Jesus. I'll see you on Tuesday. On Tuesday. See you next Tuesday, you c***.