S10 EP39: Hold it... Touch it... Pop it...

8 Jul 2025 · 42 min · 22 chapters

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In short

This episode of Parenting Hell is a mix of parenting talk, listener emails, and chaotic “fails” and stories. It opens with Rob Beckett and Josh Whittaker discussing their daughter Pippa’s obsession with the podcast, then shifts into listener correspondence. Key segments include: a debate about “runner’s diarrhoea” (with examples like electrolytes leading to needing a toilet outdoors), a story about a “snot sucker” being handed to a teacher for a six-year-old, and long-running jokes about parenting lifespan and huge family age gaps (including comparisons to celebrities like Mick Jagger and Robert De Niro). Notable examples of parenting fails: an April Fool’s prank telling an eight-year-old that a cancer dog’s leg “grew back,” and a “playground shaggers” VHS scandal where two teachers were recorded having sex in a gym and the tape was accidentally left in school.

Guests

no named guests; only hosts Rob Beckett and Josh Whittaker, plus listener contributors (anonymous emailers) and occasional mention of “Michael” (the producer).

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

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Listener Engagement and Parenting Woes

0:00 to 0:52

Rob and Josh discuss listener stories and their own parenting experiences.

“For adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms, every choice matters.”

Listener Engagement and Parenting Woes

2:26 to 3:45

Rob and Josh discuss listener stories and their own parenting experiences.

“tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with what do you want to listen to?”

The Runner's Diarrhea Debate

3:45 to 7:27

A humorous discussion on the reality of runner's diarrhea and its implications.

“Please stay sexy and relatable at least twice a week.”

Exploring Mega Sheds and Adult Life

7:27 to 11:00

Discussion shifts to mega sheds and relatable adult experiences.

“Surely it's shed, barn, shed garage, barn, warehouse.”

Parenting Through the Years

11:00 to 14:01

Listeners share their stories about parenting over many years and the challenges.

“...has a petchly runny nose, wasn't managing to blow it properly.”

The Longevity of Parenting

14:01 to 14:36

Discussion about the long-term commitment of parenting and its challenges.

“For clarity, the two older boys are my lovely stepsons.”

Celebrity Parenting Records

14:37 to 17:10

Exploration of various celebrities and their parenting timelines.

“Those care homes, they're all up at five.”

Robert De Niro and Mick Jagger Comparisons

17:11 to 20:23

Comparative discussion on Robert De Niro's and Mick Jagger's parenting experiences.

“but it's got to be a system where it's like, and not just a nanny or like a bit of childcare where it's like you, you employ some two people full time to literally be the first port of court.”

Robert De Niro and Mick Jagger Comparisons

21:47 to 22:12

Comparative discussion on Robert De Niro's and Mick Jagger's parenting experiences.

“Back to school season can be tough on parents, but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be.”

Nightmare Names and British Humor

22:13 to 23:39

Light-hearted discussion about unusual names and cultural humor.

“But Michael Jackson, when James Bond would have been famous before, I know that it's the mum, isn't it?”
Show all 22 chapters

Phobias and Parenting Stories

23:40 to 25:02

A tale about a phobia of balloons and its impact on parenting.

Coping with Phobias

25:03 to 26:36

Discussion on methods to cope with anxiety and phobias, specifically balloons.

“and understanding people have anxieties and worries.”

Michael Jackson's Iconic Laugh

26:37 to 28:01

Lighthearted banter about Michael Jackson's laugh and its implications.

“does Josh know he laughs like the laugh from the Michael Jackson song Thriller?”

Vincent Price and the Start of Babysitting Stories

28:01 to 28:40

Rob and Josh discuss Vincent Price and transition into babysitting anecdotes.

“How often do his family think about that?”

Drunken Au Pair Story

28:41 to 29:16

A listener shares a mortifying babysitting story from their time as an au pair.

“Ten years ago, I was working as an au pair while on a working holiday visa in Australia.”

Understanding Au Pairs

29:17 to 30:18

Rob and Josh explain what au pairs are and share their thoughts on the concept.

“It's sort of a nanny that lives with you, isn't it?”

April Fool's Parenting Fails

30:19 to 32:50

Discussion on the pitfalls of April Fool's jokes in parenting, including listener stories.

“It's all right, because the dogs survived.”

Wild Playground Shaggers Story

32:51 to 35:02

A listener shares a shocking story involving teachers and a video tape from school.

“And for a fun joke for children, the joke should always be on something else other than them.”

School Scandals and Double Standards

35:03 to 36:18

Rob and Josh discuss the implications of school scandals and double standards in teacher-student relationships.

“It's got to be the man and she's got something off.”

Investigation of the Scandal

36:19 to 37:08

The hosts joke about finding more information on the scandal involving teachers.

“And I thought that someone told me they were still together.”

Investigation of the Scandal

37:58 to 38:22

The hosts joke about finding more information on the scandal involving teachers.

“but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be.”

Small Business Shout Outs

38:23 to 40:34

Listeners share shout-outs for small businesses, highlighting personal stories and business successes.

“Coventry Rocks is a searchable what's on guide of things to do in Coventry and Warwickshire for families.”
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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00For adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms, every choice matters. Tremphaya offers self-injection or intravenous infusion from the start. Tremphaya is administered as injections under the skin or infusions through a vein every four weeks, followed by injections under the skin every four or eight weeks. If your doctor decides that you can self-inject Tremphaya, proper training is required. Tremphaya is a prescription medicine used to treat adults with moderately to severely active Crohn's disease and adults with moderately to severely active ulcerative colitis. Serious allergic reactions, increased risk of infections or lower ability to fight them and liver problems may occur.

0:40Before treatment, get checked for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu-like symptoms or need a vaccine. Explore what's possible. Ask your doctor about Tremphaya today. Call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more or visit Tremfierradio.com. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. tonight we feast an offer you can feast on sell your car today on Carvana pick up fees may apply hey parents how do you make smarter choices for your kids college today that's where Sally can help with Sally you can find scholarships funding options tools and guidance all in one place and if you need a loan Sally has options for different families and different situations College is only worth it if you do it right.

1:51So don't just help your kid go, help them go smarter. sally.com slash go parents.

2:01Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe. Welcome to Parenting Hill, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with what do you want to listen to?

2:40Rob Beckett and Josh Winnickon. Are you sure? Yeah, I want I like Rob Beckett and Josh Winnickon. It's my best. It's your best. Alright, fair enough. I'm doing that today. Oh, thank you. You let me listen to what I want to. Good girl. Thank you, Pippa. Welcome. That was a great one. That loved it. It sounded from South West. Rob Beckett. Yes! It's Cornwall. Got it. Look at that. Got it. I've got an ear for a tone. You've got an ear for a tone. I didn't get that. This is our four-year-old daughter, Pippa, who's gone from occasionally hearing you in the background to literally demanding, and we put your pod on every time we get in the car before we've even got our seatbelts on.

3:21That's got to be problematic, isn't it? It's not okay what we say, is it, for kids? No, shout out to Pippa. We're not sure who's the bigger fan, her or her mum or dad. We talked about someone getting fucked in St Paul's Cathedral. She's not going to know what St Paul's Cathedral is. Now she would have heard that because she's obviously been allowed to listen to the one she's on. Yeah. Sorry. Either way, we're grateful for the amount of time we spend in random car parks or on our own driveway because we can't stop listening to straight laughing at an episode. Please stay sexy and relatable at least twice a week.

3:50Our sanity and our daughter's demands depend upon it. Thomas, 512 months. Rachel, 460 months. Super fan, Pippa. Do you think we're going to be, like, lodged in a generation subconscious where I always remember the name Anne Diamond Of course, Rob. Because mum used to watch Anne Diamond on the telly in the morning and my mum used to hate her because she used to look so beautiful and my mum felt so crap. Do you remember Anne Diamond? I do, Anne and Nick, of course. And Nick? Who's Nick? He was our co-host. He was the Richard to her Judy. I was a big fan of Eamon Holmes and Fiona Phillips back in the day.

4:27That was a great pairing. Yeah, GMTV. Before he went rogue. Yeah, before he went rogue. I think yes I suppose in a way we will become the kind of kitsch names from the past yeah you know we're guesting on you bet Rob yeah if you think about the people that did that role when we were kids yes if you were to now say the words you know Bobby Davro Rolf Harris which one's gonna be which I've got the beard Anyway Oh gosh Josh we've got one hell of a big Correspondence bag Slash word document that we need to get through Because you guys keep pumping us With anecdotes and stories And we just aren't getting them out We've got this one we need to address Oh he's straight in The runner's bum one Because you said that you ran and needed a poo And you said that's a thing that happens with running I didn't need a pill.

5:26I almost shat myself. You're being very polite. Because Pippa's listening.

5:32So we've had a lot of emails about this. Michael's inbox is full of runners-bombs. They've been streaming down the legs, the metaphorical legs. They're all over the Gmail spot of the anus. Afternoon fellow sweaty messes. Just on a 27-degree run and listening to the episode where Rob doesn't believe in runner's diarrhoea. As a long-distance runner myself, I can say it's 100 % a thing. Here we go. A runner's worst nightmare is not having a pre-run poop. On hot days, runners take on supplements for electrolytes, salts, a mix of heat. Running electrolytes means a shit in a bush, if you're lucky, is inevitable.

6:13Well, just to be clear, I hadn't taken electrolytes, stroke salts. You're just living your life and you need one. Why do you think runners carry Vaseline, it says, bum hole chafing? No, I thought it was for... Sex on halfway through. For a quick, you know, quick boost. No, I thought that Vaseline was for the... Nipples. For the nipple chafing. Yeah, but he's putting it on his anus. Oh, no, she is. Ellie, sorry. What a sport that is, though, that you will have to shit at some point during it. Well, presumably. Why is it any different to any other sport in the sun? You know when you see, like, a cricketer?

6:46If you're a pace bowler... And you're wearing whites. and you're wearing whites and you're in India. Yeah. Oh, my God, good luck. Surely, like, you're, like, I'd have thought consistently sprinting in and then stopping is worse than consistently jogging. I think the issue is you can pop back to the dressing room in most sports where in running there is no dressing room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The streets are your dressing room. The streets are your dressing room. Sex in public places. Yes. Keep me anonymous, but there's no way any listener can top this. Okay. In my previous job, I did some work for a multinational industrial developer that builds mega sheds.

7:29That sounds like a scam straight away. Is this real? Mega sheds. Pop that into Google. Surely a mega shed's a barn. Yeah. Well, isn't it a warehouse? Yeah. Surely it's shed, barn, shed garage, barn, warehouse. That's all the levels, isn't it? Do you know what Mega Shed... Oh, I've put... Oh, I've put... Oh, wait. Mega Sheds. Oh, yeah, it does come up. They're just normal sheds. No, that's just... That's a North Whalian shed company called Mega Sheds. Oh, but they're getting some very disappointed customers when it turns up to me. Oh, here you go. There's a story... Oh, fucking hell. Here we go.

8:08There's a story on BBC Northampton. Okay, that's where I go for my news. What about you? Written by a man brilliantly called John Ironmonger. Superb name. Called, Why Are People Living in the Shadow of Mega Sheds? And this is picture of this. It is a warehouse. It looks like, you know, when you go past, like, an Amazon warehouse inside of a motorway. So why is that a mega shed and not a warehouse? Bang in the middle of England. Northampton show has more storage and distribution centres than anywhere else in the country. Yes. All right. Come on, John. let's cut to the fucking chase yeah come on stop hitting your word count for a bit of extra money corby for example don't put for example in your second yeah we know it's an example you tell us about the sheds keep talking it's the home of dozens of towering mega sheds including europe europa's worldwide hq and nike's forthcoming logistics campus oh so maybe it's used for things but it hasn't got any windows about a shed does need what i'd say a shed needs to be wood and have a window it's basically a fucking warehouse and people have to live near it is the gist of this anyway the largest space i shagged in with my then boyfriend was a new build 300 000 square foot building wow that went on to become a data center if you want to see how big 300 000 square feet is just google it oh okay i thought she was going to give us yeah yeah i'm a great tip it's all right nan i thought she was gonna say it's like the size of like a football stadium yeah well I'll have to google you could ask you could do that with anything if you want to know this just google it you can put that in an email if you want to know what Corby's like for example google it yeah just google it 300 square foot how big in football pitches do you want to have a guess Rob?

9:58what am I guessing? how many football pitches 300 ,000 square feet is oh 10 yeah that's the problem it's not as big as we think it's 4 Four. Okay, still a decent time. It is big. It is big. I mean, it's big for a fuck, isn't it? It's big for a fuck. And I think that's winning so far. That is winning. She says a circus girl can stuff that up a big top. Thanks, Anon. Blimey. Blimey, I'm right. I've got an AI overview here. A mega shed and a warehouse both function as storage facilities, but a warehouse is typically a larger, more sophisticated structure designed for intensive storage and logistical operations, often with features like loading docks and specialized equipments.

10:39Mega sheds, on the other hand, are large but often simpler structures, sometimes used for more basic storage. So a mega shed would be used, so it's just a big shed that you just chuck data service in because you don't need to be working and operating in there. Right, okay, yeah, yeah. I tell you what, this is informative, isn't it? It is. And then a barn is basically a mega shed for the countryside. Exactly. Hi, Josh, Rob and Michael. um love your podcast or as my kids call it the sweary podcast oh sorry yeah sorry we go by the way so we listen to music on the way to school rob yeah we're currently on carly ray jepson's biggest hits absolutely yeah she liked um what's the main one call me maybe yeah but with the previous biggies dua lipa sabrina taylor yeah i like carly ray jepson's hits but they don't age as well if you're listening to them every morning and every afternoon yeah there's there's not as much depth to them no i do i do feel like that taylor swift's country roots means that she's quite musically into it like it feels a bit like she there's a there's a bit more going into that yeah i want to show a recent moment that felt like a pure wanker parent moment one morning at school drop-off i was chatting to another mum when i noticed a small plastic zip bag in her hand containing what looks suspiciously like a medical device.

12:02Turns out it was a snot sucker. Oh, yeah. She explained that a six-year-old... Six. ...has a petchly runny nose, wasn't managing to blow it properly. Her solution... Oh, yeah, this isn't on. Hand the snot sucker to the teaching assistant so she could keep an eye on it and use it when necessary. That is absolutely insane. I must have had a look of complete horror because she quickly asked, that's okay, isn't it? No, no, it's not. As a secondary school teacher, I've thankfully never been expected to remove nasal mucus from my students, but I knew my sister, a primary school teacher, would be just as horrified as I was.

12:38Then the mum added, do you think she'll be too busy? Yes, that's it, I said, nodding politely while internally screening. How do you even begin to explain how totally grossed and wildly unfair that request is? Well, they're just not going to do it, are they? Just wipe it, it's just runny anyway, just wipe it, give it, all kids come out of school with runny nose, It's basically par for the course, isn't it? Yeah, it's life, isn't it? It's life. And also, that kid is six now. If he don't like it or she don't like it, learn to blow your nose. Exactly. Or the teacher can just wipe their nose. Do you know what I mean?

13:07Or the kid can just fucking learn. Yeah. That is mental. But the parents are a bit too overprotective, aren't they? Let me just do a couple. Let me just do a couple. Yeah, why not? Let's enjoy our lives. Sorry if you can hear banging upstairs. It's the kids. No, no, walking around. Not the man. Lou's got the builder over Lou and Adrian upstairs absolutely Working things out for the refurb of the bedroom Longest time in years with a child 18 and under Oh this was when we were talking about people that had loads of kids with big gaps Hi Rob, Josh and Michael Just listening to the Jack Skipper episode Whilst putting the endless amounts of washing away Rob was telling a story about a guy at his gig that had a big age gap with his kids I think I can beat it My husband has a son aged 25 who's actually getting married next year, a 14-year-old son, a two-year-old son, and a four-month-old son.

13:59Yep, all boys. I'm completely outnumbered. For clarity, the two older boys are my lovely stepsons. Yeah, presumably, yeah. And the two youngest terrors are mine. So if we're assuming we stop parenting at 18, which doesn't look likely, then my husband will have been parenting for 43 years by the time Geffen gets to 18. Fucking Nora. That is awful, isn't it? That is mental. That is wild. I love being a parent, but I don't want to do it for 43 years, right? Yeah. As a side note, he's absolutely smashing being her dad again for the fourth time and does all the early mornings like a trooper. Yeah, old people are getting up early.

14:42Those care homes, they're all up at five. Love the pod, keep it up, Holly. 427 months. so 40 right so the record at the moment is 43 years anyone can beat that years because this isn't like stopping this is the continuous where there's always a kid under 18 not like an al pacino with like a 30 year old age did he start well we haven't actually got his age well we don't know whether al pacino's gone through because like someone like could someone do the research on celebs because i i didn't sell mine it's only me you and my career i meant someone who listens All right.

15:22Because I... You said that like as a gal and as a team. Except one of the runners, Michael, trying to edit another episode going, fuck off, mate, I'm not living a deep dive on Al Pacino. Someone like Mick Jagger might have gone the whole way through since he was 20 to 80. Do you know what I mean? I think he's still got under-18s. Really? Okay. So do let us know. One of the mega team. So I think he's got four children. Oh, is he? 41 to 27. I don't think. Al Pacino's got the young ones. Oh, I thought Mick Jagger had a younger... I think Mick Jagger's got a younger... Oh, no, he has got loads of kids.

15:58Jesus Christ, Jagger. How many kids does... Elon Musk is another one, but he's not old enough. Oh, hang on, he's had kids from... Chris Jagger's born in 19... He's got eight kids. Right, no. So he had a kid in 1970, and then a kid in 1971, one in 1984 yeah he's still going so he's still going to 85 92 97 so that's five year gap and then 99 and then 99 and then yeah to 2016 so that's 17 years yeah so technically what is so add 18 years to 2016 what's that um uh get one of the team 2026 production 2026 2034 2034 so So what's the age gap between 1970 and 2034? That's 64 years.

16:51Fucking hell. So how old was Mick Jagger when he had his first kid? So he's 1943, so he was 27. God, he didn't even start early. No, you'd have thought he'd have one at 21 or something because he's shagging around. What are they doing then? So for him, he's taller than the world. I think he's got childcare. He's got to have like nanny. He's got, it's got to be a system. Of course he's got nannies. but it's got to be a system where it's like, and not just a nanny or like a bit of childcare where it's like you, you employ some two people full time to literally be the first port of court. Do you know what I mean?

17:27Yeah. Do you think he's taking his kids with him? Where does he live? I think it's a bit like buying a big country estate. You know, there's people that buy like 50 acre estate. You buy the house and then immediately hire gardeners. Yeah, of course. And then the rich person that owns the house will occasionally go out and snip a couple of rose bushes. But they ain't the gardener. So I think that's the way you must parent. It's really good. Have you seen the documentary on Netflix about Martha Stewart? No. I mean, I watched one about Osama bin Laden, but I've not seen the Martha Stewart. Oh, it's brilliant, Ross.

18:00She went to prison. Oh, I keep thinking of Moira Stewart. You tell me that. No, Moira Stewart. I was like, what's that? She just did the news for a bit. yeah martha stewart's that rich woman and then she was the first female billionaire and then she got she went to prison but um it shows her with she she's into gardening but it shows her with her gardeners and like her staff and it's like it was about the first black woman to host the news anyway yeah in the moira stewart doc it talks about how difficult it is because she sometimes do six o 'clock and sometimes she'd do nine o 'clock so child care was a nightmare and you'd have to shift the tone of that sometimes you don't want to scare people too much before but so mick jagger has had kids yeah sorry it's difficult i mean obviously we'd love him as a guest it's it you speculate that how much is he doing with this one he's currently got well she's well so 2016 so she's nine eight nine i don't think he's doing the same things that we're doing with our nine year old here we go al pacino um he's got three kids one in 1989 one in 2001 and then one in 2023 so 2001 and 20 he had a little bit of a break before the 2023 I think it's De Niro you were thinking of who's got who recently had a kid I did the maths on De Niro while you were speaking so oh Michael our team hang on sorry let's hear from the team so Michael and the team just say that it sounds like we're a bit out one second one second guys can you be quiet please everyone in the office can you be quiet I'm trying to speak to Rob and Josh Michael's been working on the thumbnails for nothing we put out uh so de niro's got seven kids right he had his first kid at 24 years old who is now he's now 57 years old de niro is currently 81 years old yeah at 24 years old he had his first kid who's now 57 he's got a kid who's 48 next he's got twins who are 29 he's got another kid who's 27 another kid is 13 and recently so he's got a two-year-old so if that two-year-old in 16 years time, he would have been a parent for 73 years.

20:04Oh, my God. Fucking God. And do you know what? I don't think he's done. Also, I don't want to be mean, but I don't think he's going to hit 73 years of being a parent. I reckon we'd have been at 68. Don't want to get dark, but if you're having a kid at, you know, 80. Do you know what? Fair play to Robert De Niro. He's only been married twice. Yeah, do you know what? Fair play. like Mick Jagger spread that over quite the first woman he married was called Diane Abbott but I can't imagine it's the same Diane Abbott that I'm thinking of who married Diane Abbott no it's not that Diane Abbott oh a different Diane Abbott right so he's winning at the moment so if he lives to see I don't know if he is because wasn't there a 20 year gap there in the middle do you know what he's done off menu you'll probably ask him in about three years time there was one very brief period where his youngest turned over 18 and then he thought, oh, I really missed this.

21:02So I'm going to have another one. Oh, so he did have a year off. So he had probably less than a year off and then the universe gave him twins as a reward. Wow. So De Niro's winning. Labor Day savings are happening now at the Home Depot with select appliances starting at$399. Plus save up to an extra$1 ,000 and get free delivery on appliance purchases of$998 or more. Get a Whirlpool laundry tower featuring industry-first UV clean technology designed to reduce bacteria in the wash without fading fabrics. Plus, with great prices at The Home Depot, you can save on select appliances designed to make laundry day easier.

21:37Shop Labor Day savings at The Home Depot today. Offer valid August 27th through September 16th to S &L C. Store online for details. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents, but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. stock up on welch's fruit snacks made with whole fruit and now made with no artificial dyes it's a snack kids already love and one you can feel good about giving them go back to school with welch's fruit snacks now made with no artificial dyes right do you want some weird phobias parenting fails babysitting stories nightmare names nightmare names i like i've forgotten about we've got loads of playground shaggers we can do a couple of or save it for a special should we save it for a special yeah let's save it for a special we'll do one playground checker at the end as a little taster and then it will inspire people to send more in for a playground shag a special yeah but yeah in the meantime here's nightmare names i've just been catching up on the last few parts i'd have to write in with some famous names i used to go to school with someone called michael jackson yeah and my mom once knew a man called James Bond.

22:47But Michael Jackson, when James Bond would have been famous before, I know that it's the mum, isn't it? Michael Jackson was famous from the 70s, wasn't he? Well, Bond's been famous before. The 60s. It depends how old the mum is. My mum wants to know a man called James Bond, which, yeah, so potentially that, that might, yeah, if you're naming your kid Michael Jackson or James Bond after they're famous, that is. that's insane. Yeah, it's ridiculous. but yes we've got Michael Jackson James Bond no kids but I still love the pod I'm a Brit living in New Jersey 10 minutes from Manhattan and can confirm after your convo a few weeks back that you always want to listen such watch your British home comforts we really do have the best sense of humour stay sexy relatable oh Alice 404 months because we have a lot of people expats listening around the world because I think obviously they're missing a little bit of British podcasting banter exactly they miss the culture of our you know a lovely little island moira stewart this is culture this is what we give in the world this is what we want um go on then so tell me uh tell me another one tell you another well that's only not my names i'll get you some weird phobias out yeah i'll do weird phobias then a um babysitting story hi i heard you asking for strange phobias i have a debilitating phobia of balloons oh that's so weird why or is that the end of the sentence or was you gonna no no no that is so weird i didn't know if he was going into something or i went to a 40th birthday party yeah and uh so it was our friend who we know from school yeah and um another pair of parents were there yeah and one of the parents that we knew had got there and it was in a bar that had a load of balloons up and she had a debilitating fear of balloons and she'd had to go outside have a cigarette because she'd had a panic attack because of all the balloons because it's a fear of them popping and then yeah here's the kicker go on i suddenly realized why it was the dad that always comes to the children's parties she can't do balloons because she can't do balloons oh my Look, I'm all, I'm, you know, we're very pro being on top of your mental health and understanding people have anxieties and worries.

25:09But I do feel like the balloon phobia is solvable. Yes. You've just got to hold it, touch it and pop it. You've just got to hold it, touch it and pop it. You've got to hold it, touch it and pop it, baby. And it's easier said than done. Rose doesn't like a balloon popping. No one likes a balloon popping. But Rose likes one popping less than me. like rose will react when a balloon has popped like like we've been stormed in an embassy because they do they do this a lot on this morning called like this you know the speakmans have you heard of the speakmans now i have but why have i heard of the speakmans are they a couple that are like um uh counselors yes you know what i mean they literally this is their thing well what they'll do is they'll take some of those because we're laughing but people do have proper phobias where they literally their body it's not there's no choice their body reacts and they go and it's an anxiety attack and and they get and they take these people normally in within a few hours can get them a holding and pop in a balloon um and they do it on this morning a lot because they get someone on like this let's get a balloon and then the speakman's coming like don't worry we'll talk about this they take them off to a room and they film them chatting to them and then chop up the highlights of it then later on that day they get a balloon out and before you know it you hold it you touch it you pop it oh wow have you ever we should get them on well i will happily have the Speakmans on, will we?

26:27Don't know. I'll have the Speakmans on. I'll have the Speakmans on. I'll have the Speakmans on and Jade from North West Cumbria, the actual North, that can discuss this. She's also said, does Josh know he laughs like the laugh from the Michael Jackson song Thriller? I don't know. Shall I play the laugh from the Michael Jackson song Thriller now? If you can, or just laugh. Oh, there we go. First of all, how the fuck did you get that back when? That's our team. No, that's not me. That's Michael. Oh, Michael, blimey. That's the team, isn't it, Rob? That's a bloody team. It's too slick for me having this new team that we've got.

27:04How many people in that office, Michael? Getting that for you. Just me. Just you. Oh, yeah, whatever. Play along. There's 25 people. This is a big operation. I want to come into the office. The main office. Yes, the main office. How many people work for Goalhanger? It must be fucking loads.

27:25can i hear that again michael you're so fast it's shocking you do there is a i'd say there's a croak there's a little croakiness in that that you have when you're really laughing yeah yeah well you slip into a little croco i wish it was me because presumably that guy i wonder whether the what a boring thing to say i wonder whether he's on a buyout or whether he's got to be a buyout and if you're michael jackson you're not messing about in number he's famously on a buyout oh is he was offered royalties or 30 000 cash and he took the 30 000 oh no i think it would have been worth over 100 million oh no oh no who is it who's laughing now it's vincent price because he does so like a famous horror guy yeah the bit of the start you know the way he reads the sort of start of thriller that story i love to name your price i love to name your price that was 30 grand and not 100 Oh, my gosh.

28:18Oh, my gosh. Oh, word. There we go. How often does he think about that? Is he dead? Yeah, he's dead. Oh, not all then. How often do his family think about that? How's that laugh? Can you imagine the wake? Fucking hell, we could have been on champers if he took the roof. For an eggnog. For an eggnog. Oh, man. Right, babysitting stories. Here we go. Hi, Rob, Josh, and Michael. Ten years ago, I was working as an au pair while on a working holiday visa in Australia. One night, I came home at 2 a.m. very drunk. My stumbling around must have woken a three-year-old who came wandering out of his room.

28:55I figured he probably needed a wee and drunkenly slung him over my shoulder. The mum came out of her room and asked why I was stacking around in the middle of the night with her kid over my shoulder. I can't really remember what I said, but she took him off me and I went to bed. I woke up the next day mortified. Thankfully, she saw the funny side, and we're still really good friends to this day. Bloody hell. Yeah, I think that is an au pair. It's sort of a nanny that lives with you, isn't it? So you pay them less, but they get free accommodation. Yeah, they're often like a kind of, like a, why was I going to say Swedish?

29:28Let's say Swedish, student or something. Stop thinking about your fantasies. And they're like a young kind of Swedish girl in like a short skirt or something. Often, aren't they? Yeah, only when they've read the dress code requirements you've put in the contract. No, they're often a foreign person who wants to experience London or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And obviously there will be some cleaning involved as well, so we've got the maid outfit for you if you want to pop that on. Keep things spick and spam. Right, what do you want? We've got, oh, I'll tell you what. I've got a parent in foul, Josh, and then you can do a playground shaggers for us.

30:02Here we go. Yeah. Hi, this still makes me die a little bit inside every time I think about what I did. My Jack... Sorry, what a mental start to a message. So what is this? What's the topic, Rob? An April Fool's parenting fail. Oh, no. Hi. This still makes me die a little bit inside every time I think about what I did. My Jack Russell dog had three legs. I imagine she had four at some point. But my Jack Russell dog had three legs. She had one amputated. Sorry, I feel bad now. She had one amputated due to cancer. Sorry. It's all right, because the dogs survived. That's good. I know, but so I just sort of forget dogs get cancer.

30:42I know, it's weird, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, anyway. Do you do fine with animals? Yeah. They never just get ill. Like, when Beryl gets ill, she's probably all right. And they're never just a bit under the weather. They don't get a cold, do they? No. But I suppose they're not meeting. I suppose they're not meeting. They've got their nose up other dogs' arseholes. But they're not getting any. Like, you're never like, oh, fuck, the animals just. oh my dog once when it came barrels got a cough or whatever dogs can get kennel cough oh can they yeah it almost feels they're either great or they're terrible there doesn't seem to be a medium well the medium I got was kennel cough but it sounded horrific he was barking oh my god he's dying it sounded like he's been sick all the time anyway I thought it was dying but then it was just kennel cough they just think it's you just keep them away from other dogs anyway Anyway, we're back to the three-legged Jack Russell that survived cancer.

31:38Welcome to Parenting in Hell. One April Fool's Day, I woke up my eight-year-old daughter. Do you remember when we interviewed the ex-Prime Minister of New Zealand? Yeah, it was only about three weeks ago, but it does feel like a long time, doesn't it? It feels like it's gone three years since the start of this email I've read out. One April Fool's Day, I woke up my eight-year-old daughter and told her Tigger's leg had grown back. Oh, my God. He's told the daughter that the cancer dog's next. Yeah, that's not ideal. I thought she'd know it was an April Fool's. She did not. Her little face was both horrified but happy that our beloved Tigger was back to four limbs.

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32:12When I told her it was a joke, she looked at me with a look I've never seen since. She looked so confused. Yeah, understandable. Sad and upset. Why would our mum joke about something so inappropriate? Correct. To this day, I don't know why I did it. It's never been mentioned since. Oh, no. Oh, no. Losing my thumb to Bobby now 12 and Molly age 9. Oh, my God. I just think April falls on children are never a good idea. I know, parents, you want to be a laugh. There's other times just it doesn't – it's never – I don't think – It's not a good thing to do, is it? No, you're basically – it's a prank.

32:53And for a fun joke for children, the joke should always be on something else other than them. Yes. But with an April Fool's, the joke is always on the child. And that feels scary and vulnerable for the child. Yeah, I just don't think April Fool's... They never work. Generally, they're not great, are they? Oh, the amount of times I go on and there's a stupid boxing promotion company going, introducing our new five-sided ring. Fucking boring. It's just people that aren't funny for the rest of the year. Oh, but I feel sorry. It's these poor social media managers that have to churn out some shit content or otherwise I get told off and they don't even love it or like it, but they just have to do it because everyone else is doing it and it's just bullshit.

33:36Anyway, hope the dogs are all right.

33:42Do you want to do the Playground Shaggers? Yeah, go on. Hi, Rob and Josh. Long-time listener, first-time emailer, and boy, do I have a Playground Shaggers that's almost too ridiculous to be true. Please keep me anonymous. Yes, please. They have left their initials, but I won't do them. No. Also, they have named their exact school that this happened at. I mean, they're terrible at being anonymous. Back in the mid-90s, I was a student at Oakwood Park Grammar School in Maidstone, Kent. Why have they put that in? You didn't need that. A few of us were working on a video project and asked to borrow a camcorder and tapes from the media cupboard.

34:23This was the golden age of VHS. I remember doing almost exactly the same myself while rifling through the tapes. Oh no, this, Oh no, this can't be true. It is. Does they are right. Too ridiculous to be true. Okay. I haven't even got there, but I'm presuming what's going to happen. We popped one. Tell me when you're there. Expecting to find a school trip or a Shakespeare play. What we got instead was two teachers in the gym going at it full on one teacher tied to the gym bars covered in whipped cream. Piss off. So it's a VHS recording of two teachers from that school, one of them tied to a gym bar covered in cream.

35:06Yeah, fuck him. Who's tied? The man or the woman, do you reckon? It's got to be the man and she's got something off. It's got to be the man, yeah. I'm like, it's too dark if he's just tied the female teacher up and... And he's videoed it on a VHS and left it in the What happened? Turns out the tape had been recorded years earlier and accidentally left in school. How? This is nonsense. It's not a USB. This is a VHS is a massive. You know where one is. Absolute chaos followed. No shit.

35:37Watered spread like wildfire. Half the year group had seen it before a teacher finally shut it down. The incident ended up in the local press and the sun. No. What's the name of the school again? Well, if it's been in the press already, we can say it, can't we? Oakwood Park Grammar School. Get the team on it, Michael. Because I don't want that in my Google search history. I'm on it. Both teachers were suspended, Rob, but both kept their jobs. If they're single... Oh, well, to be fair, a former grammar school teacher had sex with a pupil from that school as well. What's going on at that school?

36:16There you go. So this was, she was a 30-year-old geography teacher and she had sex with a sixth-former. Happened at my school, genuinely. They both got fired. Well, they didn't both get fired. I'm fired with a sixth-former, can you? No, but they left. And I thought that someone told me they were still together. You probably got high fives all around, terrible double standards. To this day, it's still the most bizarre and unexpected bit of sex education I've ever received. Thanks for the laughs. That is fucking wild. Well, look, now that it's been in the press, is there anyone else with stories from that score about that that can corroborate?

36:49Or could you send us the story? Yeah, if anyone can find it. You might have to go to the, tell you what, Michael, get the team down to the British Museum, rifle through some sun, because I think that was pre-digital. Yeah. They'll be on one of those things, like, you know, when you're in a... A big scroll, like a horror movie. We've got one stationed at the British Museum full-time just for this. Just for this kind of stuff. They've just sent it through to me now, actually, if you check what's up. Oh, brilliant. That's great. Yeah, cool. Oh, well, we'll run for it in the next step, yeah? That is incredible.

37:19Keep coming in. Thanks, guys. Yeah, loads more Playground Shagga stories. Right now, when you buy more carpet at the Home Depot, you save more. During our Buy More, Save More event going on now, upgrade your carpeting with the top brands and save up to 15 % off installed carpet projects. Installation starting at just 49 cents per square foot. Select from a wide assortment of carpet to fit your room, lifestyle, and budget during the Buy More, Save More event at The Home Depot. Offer valid August 27th through September 13th, 2026. Base price for standard installations only. Excludes Traffic Master and Stock Carpet.

37:51For licenses, see homedepot.com slash license numbers. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents, but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks, made with whole fruit, and now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love and one you can feel good about giving them. Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks, now made with no artificial dyes. Right, let me do a small business shout out. Here we go. Hello, Josh and Rob. Long time listener here. Really love what you're doing.

38:28Keeps me laughing on my commutes. I like to shout out my wife's business. She started during COVID. Coventry Rocks. Coventry Rocks is a searchable what's on guide of things to do in Coventry and Warwickshire for families. giving users a chance to browse fun activities, events, and attractions all in one place. Commentaryrocks.co.uk. Oh, Michael sent it through. Oh, has he actually found it? Yeah. Teachers axed for sex in gym video. This guy's on fucking smoke. They weren't axed. Michael, how have you found that, genuinely? Have we actually got a team? Are we paying for people? I don't want that.

39:01Two teachers have been suspended from a top grammar school after pupils saw a video of them having kinky sex in the gym. Oh, my God. This is actually true. Who? Oh, my God. I tell you what, they don't look like you'd imagine, do they? No, they don't. He looks like he's – I was imagining they were kind of young shaggers. No. He looks so straight, it's unbelievable. But little did you know he's got whipped cream on the end of his knob tied to some apparatus. Oh, my God. That's insane. Genuinely, Michael, how did you find that? What's happening today? What's going on? What have you Googled? You've took that limitless – you know that limitless pill that Bradley Coon bred?

39:37What did you Google for that that quick? I just Googled the name of the school, sex, VHS and scandal, and then it was the third or fourth option. Do you know what's funny is when you sent it on the WhatsApp group, the last thing that got sent was a photo of Joshua Pamela Anderson, so it looks like it's about them. Anyway, back to Coventry Rocks. Now, the site works like an app and has a handy review of things we've done as a family and honest feedback on highlights and recommendations. Jeff, my wife, has put her heart and soul into business starting it, And unfortunately, during COVID, when the world shut down, it had a stuttering start as events and businesses closed.

40:14Thankfully, the business has begun to grow and excel and even receive some rewards. I'm amazingly proud of what she's achieved with this business. Look forward to seeing it continue to be a success and passion. It honestly has become like our third child. Please check out the discount reward scheme, Stay Sexy Relatable. That is from Kevin McLeish. There you go. Kevin McLeish. And he said he's looking forward to seeing Josh with a beard. But that's, I think we mentioned you having a beard and you should throw it out. commentaryrocks.co.uk. There we go. Can you please give a small business shout out to my sister who's just opened her own pottery studio earlier this year called Haim, H-A-M-E, pottery, based in Brighton.

40:57Beaverdean, Beaverdean, is that a place in Brighton? She runs pottery classes, offers studio space and sells her lovely ceramics there too. She's been working towards this goal for 10 years, and she's so brilliant at teaching and really passionate about running affordable and relaxed sessions that everyone can attend. Her sessions are child-friendly too. Get involved. The studio space is gorgeous. She has converted it herself from a rundown takeaway that hadn't been open for years. It's all good news. Find out more and book in a session at haimepottery.co.uk or email her haimepotterystudio at gmail.com for any specific requests.

41:34Thanks so much. absolutely love the podcast Mari there we go I'll see you next week Josh but in the meantime Michael can we just quick round of applause for Michael here this is unbelievable unbelievable producing there you and the guys just I tell you what it's Friday coming up so get pizza for the guys in the office yeah on us right see you later bye

From the publisher

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... today we go through some of your incredible correspondence including weird phobias, nightmare names, and most years as a parent to an under 18.

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