S11 EP18: A Sneeze is Normal

19:18why are you working so much well who was the gig that night

19:23Josh Widdicombe:Doncaster no I thought he was on your way down you nutcase I thought he was at Bournemouth or something I was about to defend you I was about to go well fair enough if you've got to go to Bournemouth you might as well do that on the way down and earn some money in the day so then on the train back up to Doncaster after Radio 2 and some bowling balls for the NFL coverage on Channel 5 yep Dermot O 'Leary's NFL world coverage. If you've not thrown some bowling ball pins for Sam Quick and Dermot O 'Leary on Channel 5, there's no point in putting the show out. Let me be very clear. I didn't even score very well.

19:54Josh Widdicombe:So that was disappointing. Back up to Doncaster. Back up to Doncaster. Do the gig. How are the gigs going, by the way? Are you enjoying it? I am really enjoying it, actually. Well, I don't know if you want to say this for the pod, but you did send me quite a different message. I found the first half of Scarborough tricky. Can I tell you what happened, Rob? Because, yeah, you messaged me saying that you're like almost like looking out for an arm around the shoulder of like, it's hard, isn't it, touring kind of thing. Yeah. And then what happened? Hull, lovely, Scarborough. The first two audience members I talked to sent the room very cold, Rob.

20:29What was their fault, was it?

20:31Josh Widdicombe:No, no, it wasn't. But, well, I said to the couple, how did you meet? He said, oh, I was going out with her best friend and then we got together. Oh, yeah, that makes the room feel awkward. The room did feel awkward. It wasn't their fault. It was just being honest. And then there was a couple and they said they had been together 20 years or whatever. I was like, bloody hell, how old are you? Because they looked quite young. Yeah. I shouldn't have asked how old they were when they met. Oh, God. 17 and 15. It wasn't ideal, Rob. No, because that is paedophilia. But they made very clear nothing happened until she was 16.

21:08On the dot. Tick tock, tick tock.

21:11Josh Widdicombe:You shouldn't be having to make those kind of caveats in the first five minutes of being on stage. No, you don't want to have to try and defend the corner of a man and say, just for the record, this guy's not a pedo. You don't want to be doing that. He was not a pedo by seconds on the eve of her birthday. You don't want to be doing those kind of conversations. But then that sometimes gets a laugh from the room that it's a bit awkward. I know. But it felt too abusey. You need the momentum to be with you for that to happen. Yeah, that needs to be the second or third person you speak to. I tell you, if that had happened in Dartford last night, it would have gone off.

21:45Josh Widdicombe:You did Doncaster and then Dartford? Did Doncaster. Then we drove down to Cambridge, stayed in Cambridge. Oh, on the way to Dartford? On the way to Dartford. Then we went to Dartford. And still in the tent? Yeah. No one had told me it was in a tent. Because the main theatre's roof's broken, so they've built a tent next to it. Windy still. Was it still windy? Yeah. Yeah, you could hear that. You could hear every siren. Can I be honest? That tent is better than the theatre. I agree. I agree. It's a better game. They should not be rebuilding that theatre. It's better as a tent. It is, isn't it? It's one of my favourite tour venues I've ever been to.

22:18Josh Widdicombe:It was brilliant. You could buy it, put it up in your garden, get everyone to come to you. It was so good. Why don't you buy the tent and put it in Exeter and then just have your own venue? It's so big. Like the stage, this is such a, the biggest laugh I've ever got. I'd say the opposite of the 15-year-old, because I like to talk to the audience at the start. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to talk to, you know, paedophiles. No, no, what I mean is I like to talk my way in. I told you what happened in Swindon. No. I must have told you this. What happened in Swindon? About a man leaving after eight minutes.

22:50Oh, yes, because you didn't have any proper jokes. I don't know if you told me on the podcast or if you messaged.

22:54Josh Widdicombe:Oh, yeah, yeah. He stood up and I thought he was just going to the toilet. Eight minutes in. And I was like, oh, he's off. Bit of fun. I think he's not off. Yeah. And he's like, yeah. Oh. You're not doing any proper jokes. You're just talking to the audience. Do some jokes like Jimmy Carr. And then he stormed out of the whole building. Jimmy Carr talks to the audience loads. I know. That's the whole second half. I know, Rob. Someone else said that to me. I was at a gig. And he went, when's Jimmy Carr coming out? So, strangely, someone at the Swindon gig had been at that gig as well. My gig? Yeah, they said, I saw that happen to Rob.

23:27Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. Someone was at both gigs. But I haven't done Swindon. What gig were they at? I don't know where it would have been, Bristol or something. Yeah, he went, when's Jimmy Carr coming out? I went, well, he's not. And then the bloke in the audience went, I don't really want you to be here. And I went, I don't want you to be here either. So someone at the Swindon gig had been at that gig as well. So they'd seen us both be told. Yeah, he called back Jimmy Carr. Also, it's not like Jimmy Carr don't gig. Go and fucking see him. He's on every week. He's played that tent twice because I could see where everyone had signed the wall.

23:57Josh Widdicombe:Oh, a good one happened also in Malvern this week. This is meant there's so many places. I used to do a little clicker of a map of all the destinations. Sorry, go on. 9 p.m. Yeah. An alarm went off in the audience, like a phone alarm. You know when it's like the alarm that wakes you up? Yeah. So the whole room just goes, what the fuck's that? Stops. And then a woman goes, sorry. And I was like, what's that? And she's like, it's my alarm to take my magnesium tablet.

24:29Josh Widdicombe:I thought, Malvern's very middle class. so I was like talking about how middle class I said I bet you don't get out a Rob Beckett gig and she said I've actually been to see Rob Beckett I said did your alarm go off to take your magnesium tablet and she said no I went to see him before the menopause she's got off me since I love that when women hit the menopause they go from you to me

24:57at a gig though if you an alarm goes off around that time it is people's tablets normally yeah yeah

25:02Josh Widdicombe:of course yeah so what did you say at the dark for a gig no it wasn't what I said the stage is so deep Rob yeah that I just walked to the back of the stage and because I was just walking for so long people were just losing their shit because I was basically disappearing into the distance like Willy Wonka yeah It was meant, it's like the stage just goes on so far back. They have the full panto in there in the tent. They've got Linda Robson. This year, if you're interested in watching Linda Robson do panto in a tent, she's doing Aladdin into Hartford. They've had some fucking good ones. They had Bradley Walsh one, yeah?

25:39Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, well, it's a good location, isn't it? Good tent. It is a good location, good tent. Straight on the M25 to get home. Exactly, Rob, straight through the tunnel. I don't know where Bradley Walsh lives. Portugal most of the time, isn't it? Portugal and Essex I imagine yeah so it's not actually ideal for him Dartford I'd do a bigger nil for an air private airplane Farmer Airport so yeah I'm very tired I've been on tour but I've been facetiming but you feel bad this is disrupt the flow don't you if you don't have a specific time apart from that morning one like if you just ring and they're coming out of school they're just kicking off it's my daughter's birthday on Friday we're doing Tempin Bowling.

26:16Josh Widdicombe:Yep. So I've booked that. With Dermot O 'Leary and Sam Quack? Yeah, with Dermot O 'Leary and Sam Quack and Osi. Oh, is this the Exeter one or the London one? Yeah, this is the Exeter one. They've got making friends and stuff. She's made some very close friendships. That's nice. It's all going well. Yeah, I know. She went two different play dates, if you want a better word, on Saturday and Sunday this week. She's cooking on gas, friend-wise. How about you? Have you met neighbours? Have you got friends yet? Have I got any friends? Talking to people about bins? I haven't spoken to anyone more about the bins.

26:48Josh Widdicombe:Have you ordered bins? No. We just had to put extra recycling out in a box next to our bins on Friday. But they did take it, so that's the main thing. I normally use a cardboard box and fill it with other cardboard. That's what I do. You feel so clever. I think that's acceptable. Why not? You can't have a go at me for this. How can you refuse recycling that? I can't be doing too much recycling. That's what I'm meant to be doing. You're literally recycling, repurposing a box. This makes me better than the people that aren't doing this. All the three bin wankers. Exactly. Yeah. So I am settling in.

27:21Josh Widdicombe:It's good. We've hit the point where the house is livable, but there's still loads of boxes. Progress has stopped. And that's the problem. Progress has stopped. Progress has stopped. Because you always go, shall we do that? Or would it not just be nice to like... I've still got a box in my garage from the move. Have you? Yes. When did you move? What year? And it's called Admin. Oh, no. It just sits there. Oh, no. Oh, God. But we moved two and a half years ago. Admin's never been opened. Add a good correspondence thing here, Josh, if you want to do that. Yeah, why not? You know, he was talking about flying on your own as a kid.

27:56Oh, yeah. This is from a friend of mine messaged in. Hi, lads. Listening to the recent Alan Davis ep, you asked the people to email in about travelling on their own as a kid. In 1987, I was packed off to see my dad, who lived in America. I flew Heathrow to New York and got a connection to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's mad, the connection. I was six. That is mental. That is mental. Back then, kids flying on their own was pretty common. You would get taken to a special waiting room with all the other children of divorce. And escorted on and off the plane with a lolly. That was quite nice. Flight was obviously awful, hours in darkness, and all of us kids too terrified to speak to each other to bond over the shared trauma.

28:41Intimitantly, you'd get a colouring book or a can of Coke from the flight attendants who, in fairness, did an excellent job in being pseudo-parents. About halfway, you would get taken to the cockpit to meet the pilots, which was always weird as it's just a gang of lonely, scared kids interrupting two blokes at work. Anyway, see if anyone can beat Six. Keep up the laughs, Kishore. Can you beat Six?

29:03Josh Widdicombe:That's incredible. because people will have tried like a little three-year-old i i wonder what the rule is what age can you fly on your own what's the youngest a child can fly on their own five to 11 can use an unaccompanied minor service five under five is too young five though absolutely fine absolutely fine at five no problem at all it's like your front row in scarborough oh god Can you imagine how fucking pissed off you'd be if, like, you're a flight attendant and you get a five-year-old? You'd just feel sorry for the kid, wouldn't you? It's easier now, right, because the in-flight entertainment is so much better.

29:42I've seen people have to drop kids off, like, down the road because they can't go to the front door because that's, like, the terms of the separation. It's so bleak, isn't it? It's so sad that you can get to that where it's, like, the divorce is so bitter that like even when the kids are involved it's like they drop them off but like they're not allowed to come to the front door or come down the road and all that but then you don't know what's going on but jesus yeah we don't know how this podcast is gonna end for us

30:05Josh Widdicombe:oh god hopefully not like that let's talk about a condition many people haven't heard of and it turns out it's more common than you'd think peyroni's disease or pd for short pd can happen when scar tissue builds up under the skin of the penis this can cause a curve with a bump during an erection and, for some men, lead to pain during intimacy and may impact mental health. It may also lead to anger and frustration, depression, lower self-esteem, and even withdraw from sexual activity and physical intimacy. Because of this, some men could feel embarrassed or reluctant to talk about PD. The actual cause of PD isn't always known.

30:43Josh Widdicombe:In some cases, it may be linked to a minor injury or repeated injuries during sex or other physical activity. The good news is PD is treatable. If you notice a curve with a bump, a trusted urology specialist can help diagnose it and walk you through your options, including non-surgical treatment. To learn more about Peyronie's disease, visit TalkAboutPD.com. Let's talk about Peyronie's disease, or PD. It's not widely talked about, and some men may feel reluctant to bring it up, but it's more common than you'd think. PD can happen when scar tissue builds up under the skin of the penis, causing a curve with a bump during an erection that for some men may lead to pain during intimacy and impact mental health.

31:25Josh Widdicombe:A trusted urology specialist can help diagnose PD and walk you through your options including non-surgical treatment. Visit talkaboutpd.com. So this week I'm at home today and tomorrow. I'm so tired Rob. I am so tired. I got home from Dartford at quarter past one last night. And then what did you do Sunday? That was Sunday. Yeah I was in Dartford. So last night you got in a quarter past one. Yeah. Josh, I'm a bit worried. Your schedule is getting busier and busier the next. No, I haven't put anything else in. I've refused to put anything else in. No, but I'm just saying you're still going to be very stretched with last leg in the tour.

32:02Josh Widdicombe:I think you think that I put more effort into last leg than I do. No, but it's still, you're physically in London every week. Yeah. It's hard. So this week I've got Guildford, High Wycombe, bowling on Friday, matinee and then evening in Cambridge on Saturday. Sunday off? And then I'm doing the NFL on Sunday.

32:32Josh Widdicombe:I've got three days at home this week, Monday, Tuesday, Friday. That's good. Yeah, it's good. That is good. I'm so tired, though. I might go back to bed after this. That's bad, though, isn't it? You just feel lazy. Not if you're tired. You'll not be lazy. No, that's the one thing I'm not, actually. You need to get enough sleep. Yeah, that is a thing, actually, sleep, isn't it? Right, do you want some correspondence, Josh? Yeah, yeah, hit me with some correspondence. I've got a boomer parent injury here. Hello, Rob and Josh, you slags. I have a boomer parenting story from when I was about nine or ten.

33:03We were camping with my family around Ireland for two weeks. Jesus. Me and my two older brothers were taking it in turns to go to the campsite washing up area to wash dishes after dinner. And I always complained and I didn't want to do it. One night it was my turn again. So I made my way, but tripped over a rock en route. I came back a minute later and said my leg hurt and I couldn't do the dishes. My parents were furious at me thinking I just made it up to get out of my chores. The rest of the holiday commenced. And every day when we were hiking or seeing the sights, I complained my leg hurt.

33:34My parents never believed me and thought I was a whining kid. The peak of the pain was when they dragged me up hundreds of steps of Blarney Castle and I was dangled over the edge by my legs to kiss the infamous Blarney Stone. That's that weird thing you have to kiss upside down. Not weird, just a different thing. Different culture. It's always fun when you catch yourself, isn't it? I don't think it's... It is weird to land your back, lean over and kiss a bit of stone. That's fine for you to say. Despite crying, my leg was hurting. They still didn't believe me. after a week or so of my ammonia my parents gave in and bought me some crutches at a local chemist surely you'd go doctors you go to the doctors before i didn't even know chemists sell crutches but immediately my two older brothers stole them from me to play swords and thought it was hilarious to see me hobbled around on my sore foot back home two weeks later my mum was doing some consultancy at a hospital and in passing she just said what do you do if your daughter has been complaining of a sore leg for a few weeks and the leg has turned completely black oh my fucking god after the horrified response from nurses to hospital i was immediately collected from school by my mum and taken to hospital to find out i'd broken the leg in multiple places jesus fucking christ and it would take months to set again sorry this isn't boomer pairing this is a pair of fucking thick idiots like i get the initial stop moaning about your leg i think the moment it goes black i think the moment it goes back and also doing some consultancy at a hospital what kind of fucking mess is this hospital to get this fucking moron in to do the consultancy she's that's two of the legs gone black i still love them but i never let them forget what they did to me that is insane love it how they get away with that play fair play love the podcast start from the beginning about three months i think it toughens you up and now i'm coming towards the end as I listen all day.

35:21Thank you, Kathleen. 396 months, Bedford. What's that in years, Josh? 35. Yeah, so not that long ago. It's not like the 70s. No, less long ago than... No, I get it. End of the holiday, they took me to the hospital because I was still mowing in. Not, it's gone black.

35:35Josh Widdicombe:I just found an incense stick, Rob. All right, okay. You're going to like that, are you? It's going to sort you out. Can you see that smoke? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Is that working? Are you feeling chill? I'm still so tired. honestly yeah i'm tired in that way where i don't feel like i want to sleep do you know what i mean that tired in a way last week really you should not have done radio 2 or bowling and just slept in your hotel room in doncastle oh yeah sorry do you know i mean it's too late now that's happened but have you got time in the daytime this week yeah yeah yeah when you're on tour just sleep and rest when you're on tour because you've got all day when you've got a job that evening you You don't want to put in two extra jobs in the day.

36:14Josh Widdicombe:I know. A bit of 200 miles away. Do you know what, Rob? It feels quite sensible now.

36:22Right. Some more correspondence? Yeah, hit me. Newspapers. Hey, Josh and Rob. I thought I'd write in to share my older sister's phobia, who for as long as I can remember has been absolutely terrified of newspapers. Completely irrational and bizarre. Depending on what there's in them. Completely irrational and bizarre, but as an outsider, it's very amusing. You might think, well, at least newspapers are relatively avoidable. Think again. She is a Virgin Atlantic air hostess. And so when anyone requests a newspaper, she has to lock herself in the bathroom while the other stewards quickly dish it out.

36:55That is mad. That is mental. Also, imagine getting on the train. But it's much easier than it was 20 years ago. Yeah, back in the day, there was all over the free newspapers. Oh, the metros. Were all over the tube.

37:07Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, that must have been awful. There was a metro and London Evening Standard. London Light. London Light. London Light and the London paper head to head. The glory years. The glory years. I don't like the feeling of the... Yeah, do you think it's the feeling she doesn't like? I love the feeling of a newspaper. I knew you would. It's real. It's a very you thing, isn't it? The death of print makes me sad, Rob. The death of print makes you sad, why? Because is nothing sacred? No, I don't believe it's wrong. I don't believe that people should be reading newspapers. Things change, don't they? Because I like music.

37:43Josh Widdicombe:I know, I know. But you're allowed to feel sad and nostalgic, even if you know that change has to happen. Do you buy newspapers? No. But you just like knowing they exist? I used to enjoy a newspaper, but I've gone off the news. Right, okay. Also, it's old news, though. Yeah. Isn't it now? Because you get it on Twitter so far. I've gone off Twitter. Right, can we talk about Twitter for a minute? I haven't been on Twitter for about three years. I've come off it now, like, about a couple of months ago. I go on there trying to find out football news, right, because it's quite good for immediate news.

38:12I search, like, Arsenal transfers, for example. And then the next thing's like, Elon Musk sounds so mental that's stoking loads of hate. And the next thing, it's like someone's arm being blown off in a car crash. I'm like, why are you giving me that? Are they signing for Arsenal? Is this person a... No, no, no, no, nothing to do with Arsenal. It's just a horrendous video of an arm in an accident or something.

38:33Josh Widdicombe:It's a bad place, Rob. It's a bad place. Yeah, Twitter's horrendous. What would you do for being really tired? is this a genuine question like would you just sleep all day what have you got to do today i've got like buy my daughter's birthday presents because you come back and then you've got lots of admin what's rose doing today i've got 46 emails are they all proper ones are they like no i've just deleted tony's telling me they're updated terms of service i'm down to 45 tony's the chocolate bar no the musical box stop doing your emails i'm so tired i can see you doing your email i was trying to get ahead i'm not you are i'm looking at you i literally saw you looking at it and clicking watch this watch this you're holding your phone yeah i'm taking a photo now yeah i know you stopped now but you were doing your emails yeah i just deleted the tony's email i know that's what i said so i said don't worry about it i don't think i've ever been as tired as this i do feel like you're powering down you know when your phone gets to one percent you're like there's nothing in the tank is there my legs are going up and down you know like your legs going up and down you know when you're tired and you're just like my legs are jiggling yeah you've got jiggly legs you're going back to that who's more tired than josh dark place but you haven't even got young kids anymore as an excuse you're just too busy with work i'm just fucked i'll be fine i just need an hour's sleep yeah well we can't do that right now no no that's fine that's fine should i read out an email i think that's a good idea okay do you need me to do it no no i I think that's the easiest bit.

40:04Well, I tell you what. I'm finding it difficult to focus. Right, okay, right. Let's do this then, Josh, right? We're two all comfortable together. Imagine now you work, you used to work in a shop, didn't you? Imagine you're now. Oh, my God. In the shop where you used to work, right? Or the pub where you were, in the bosses there. Yeah, I wasn't very good at it. And you've got to look like you're engaged and giving great customer service. So approach this email like you're at a proper job where you have to give energy or you get sacked.

40:29Josh Widdicombe:That's basically the tour, isn't it? Hi, Rob and Josh. Wait, no, no. You're doing the email like you're... That is me. That's not enough. It's a long email. I don't... It's like running the 800 metres. You can't sprint the whole thing. I know that, but I think you were so tired and slow that you've really... I, Rob and Josh. That's quite good. That's good, yeah. About 20 years ago, when I was about 19, 20, I would occasionally babysit for my mum's boss, who had two kids of about 8 and 11 at the time. On the night in question, the mum and dad went out for the evening and things went as normal with the kids the kids had been no problem and were tucked up in bed when the parents returned I was always quite unsure about the whole payment bit of the evening hadn't even had a conversation about hourly rate I'd always just accept what the parents gave me on previous nights they'd paid me 20 to 30 pounds for similar hours so I was like oh my phone's ringing Reading fuck that Just answer it No Do you want me to answer it?

41:28No it's ringing I don't know.

41:30Josh Widdicombe:It's a number in Reading. Why would Reading be Reading? It would be a scam. Yeah, fuck them. That's shown them. Instead, they returned. So normally they pay£20 to£30, right? They returned pissed as fuck. If this was a phone call, I'd go, Josh, just don't worry about it. People will be listening to this, Josh. Not still. That's a phone call. Normally£20 to£30.

42:01Josh Widdicombe:It's sleeping in the car. It's not good sleep. It's such bad sleep. I slept from 11 to 1 under a duvet with a pillow in the car. Having a bowl of cereal? I'd had a bowl of cereal. Can I recommend something? Yeah. This helped me. A whoop band thing, yeah? And it tracks your sleep and it doesn't need loads of charging. I don't need that pressure. It's not pressure. Because what it'll be is you're quite negative. I know I'm tired. No, but you get into a negative spiral, don't you? If I'm this tired. Yes, of course. But with this, it's actual like data and numbers. So if you actually get some good sleep, even if you don't feel like you have, it is in you.

42:39But this will tell you. I'm normally full of bags of energy. I know you are, Josh. Don't take this out on me. I've not booked your schedule. What I'm saying is sometimes when I feel like this, I look at the app and it says you're at 60, 70 percent. You've had enough sleep. where I, when I wake up, feel like, oh my God, I'm sorry. Because you can tell yourself a narrative of how exhausted you are when actually you're not that tired.

43:00Josh Widdicombe:I thought I was all right this morning. I was fine. I would say you've had a real, the last five to ten, you've really fallen off a cliff. I'm in a real hole. You're in a huge hole. Luckily, we've not got an interview after this. Oh my God. If we had, like one of the interviews with the people where we're like, yeah, that'll be all right. Yeah. But we're going to have to really put in the hard yards. But, you know, if we were interviewing, believe this out, Michael, if we were interviewing now, I think.

43:33I think it's your straight air. I think you lose your powers. I'll have a shower after I've gone to bed. Go back to bed and have a shower. Anyway, so let's go back to this baby. 20 to 30 hours.

43:45Josh Widdicombe:A sneeze is normal. I know it's normal, but the timing was. I didn't say it wasn't normal. I think if people could see what you look like at the moment. Michael, what's your thoughts at the moment of Josh? Josh, I feel like he was great at the start. I was so good. I've hit a wall. He's hit a wall, haven't he, Michael? Yeah, I've never seen you go off a cliff that quickly. No.

44:12Josh Widdicombe:I looked down, I was writing notes for the edit, and then I looked up, and it was almost like you'd been switched out. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

44:26Josh Widdicombe:I tell you what, I won't be editing that video today.

44:34Right, so back to the babysitter.

44:36Josh Widdicombe:Sneeze is normal. 20 to 30 pounds they normally got, right? Yeah. Instead, they were turned pissed as farts and being uncomfortably randy in front of me. Snogging like teenagers. After debriefing them about the kids' evenings, the dad shoved a wadge of money in my hand. As I felt awkwardly counting it in front of them, I waited until I was in my car and counted it up. He had given me£250. Oh, yes, please. What do you do in that situation, Josh? Well. I would, sorry, I'm going to apologise there because I've asked you a question and I've gone to answer it myself. Ideally, if you could do that for the rest of the show, that would be...

45:13My instincts told me that was probably the right decision. Yeah. What would you do, Josh? Or should I tell you what I'd do first, and then you can have a think? I would.

45:22Josh Widdicombe:Stop reading emails. I was just checking how long the recording had gone on, or why. Focus on me. It is a suspiciously long recording. Oh, no, it's because we recorded that bit at the start, isn't it? Don't worry about that. We'll know when it's ready. Michael will tell us. Just focus on it. What would you do if someone overpaid you, Josh? I'd like to think I remember getting long changed once. Long changed? Is that what you get? Is it called? Well, you know, the opposite of short change. Yeah, of course. Is that a thing? No, I don't think so. So I think I've just... I think you've invented a phrase.

45:49Josh Widdicombe:What's the most you've ever been long changed writing? Like tipped, isn't it? That's what it's called. Well, no, no, no, no. Because tipped is like... So I remember buying a jacket potato. Here he is. He's back. Michael, he's back in. Pressure of cold. Oh, that's insane. His face just lit up then. I'm thinking about a jacket potato. That would knock me right out. Can you imagine the sleep I'd have if I went and had a cheese and beans about a jacket potato now? Right, so go on. you were getting a jack-o'-potato i got long changed it was probably by a pound but it meant a lot to me at that time do you know what i mean and then i walked down the street and i was like this day's really kicked on this is when i was working waterstones actually yeah and then a charity person came up to me and they were like collecting for muscular dystrophy or whatever it was right we don't need the charity to give you an idea it's gone again he's gone back down again he's gone down again one you'd feel you should donate to not one of the shit ones yeah cats yeah yeah yeah generic cats we're putting on a performance of cats would you be willing to use it actual rescue cats we're using actual rescue cats we've misjudged it can't get the costumes they don't need a costume they won't wear the costumes it's difficult Mr Tumnus or whatever he's called that's not the cats what's he called the main one in cats Mr something mr sopholes mr sopholes yeah who's mr tundus uh narnia that's half goat in it anyway sorry anyway yeah um it is so i had my extra pound and then i was asked to donate whether i'd donate to charity and i remember thinking i've got to donate the extra pound here yeah because this is like a test from god or something so i think i would go back because i don't think i could ever enjoy that money until I cleared it with them.

47:43Yeah, I would message and go, oh, hi, you paid me. Oh, thanks last night. You paid me a little bit more than normal. Did you mean to? I wouldn't be specific. I'd say you paid me a little bit more than normal. Did you mean to?

47:52Josh Widdicombe:Hope you enjoyed your shag. Yeah, you dirty boy. Yeah, hope you enjoyed banging away. I went back to their door. That's a gamble, isn't it? When they're as randy as they are and said, I thought he'd given me too much. He said that he hadn't and that that was the right amount. Oh, that's nice of him. Next day my mum told me that the parents had announced that they were divorcing whoa and that night out was the make or break evening of their marriage what so why did she pay him so much to this day i'm still confused about what must have happened between them getting handsy like teenagers on 1am and then the next day when they announced their split that is fucking incredible one last shag one last shag.

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49:35right should i do one more um correspondence michael yeah i might lead this one if that's okay guys i thought i did a good job on that last one i'd say you hit form towards the end shaky start to the season but you really found your legs in the middle i've got my energy back but

49:48Josh Widdicombe:that's the thing with tiredness right is it comes and goes doesn't it when it hits you you think i'll never get over this and then you're flying you're all good now i'm like do you know what let's buy those birthday presents let's order that sewing machine let's do more things let's book some more stuff in yeah any baseball shows i can do as well any other radio shows i bloody love the baseball right we've got loads of playground shaggers we're saving all them aren't we for a big special we could do one as a little precursor to that as a taster i tell you what if you've listened through all this episode you deserve one so we're going to do a playground special at some point send some more in so we can include them but we'll give you a little taster i'll do one up from the bottom let's go back here we go hi all thanks for all the laughs i've had my son drink covid and you've been my relief when my ADHD brain is super itchy.

50:32After Josh's story about teacher gossip in the playground shaggers episode, I want to share the scandal that hit my school back in 2009. One day, the economics teacher was using the projector to teach his A-level class. I think all schools have projectors now, don't they? No, no, I meant economics teacher. Oh, right. Yeah, it makes more sense. So what kind of fucking backwards chalk and blackboard shit did Josh go to? Overhead projector. I think this is our proper computer projector, not an overhead projector. They are old school.

51:02Josh Widdicombe:Do schools still have OHPs? I don't think so. That's mental, isn't it? OHPs. Anyway, so he was using the projector. He set them quiet work and got on with working on his laptop. What he didn't realise was his laptop was still projecting on the screen. Oh, the classic. The absolute classic. The students kept quiet and watched as this teacher started sexting the biology teacher. Oh, the sexiest of all the... Yeah, she knows where everything is. Oh, he. Yeah. By all accounts, it got pretty graphic. Just after that class, it was lunchtime. And never before have I seen gossip physically move through a room like this, literally going up and down every row in the dining hall.

51:41What made it worse was the biology teacher had recently announced her engagement.

51:45Josh Widdicombe:Oh, no. To a prominent military man. Who was a prominent military man? Andy McNabb. She's married McNabb. Oh, he was announcing all the society magazines. Told you it was a posh school. It was a posh one. Safe to say it was one of the best things ever happened at school from Anon. Oh, did the wedding, could Anon get back in touch and tell us where the wedding went ahead? Anon, let us know. We should do workplace shaggers as well. Oh, yeah. I think we should have an extra, where it's like people that have got a bit fruity at work. Because most people meet at work. I've got a story about when I was 16 and worked at a supermarket.

52:22I don't think I can say it.

52:23Josh Widdicombe:Well, my friend told me, I think I can say this. He worked in a department store and to save money, they had their Christmas party in the department store, in the staff room bit, you know, like the... Yes, please. And the next morning, two of the staff were found in one of the beds in the bed department. Oh, yes. That is powerful. That's got you going. That's got rid of your tightness. Jack of potatoes and shagging, you're in. I've been good for the last 10 minutes. I know, you've been great. It was just that little middle section. I just had a real dip where I basically thought, I think I might die.

53:09Well, let's do a bit of small business shout outs and then you can go and die.

53:14Josh Widdicombe:No, I think I'm fine now. Now I'm thinking I'll probably plow through to bedtime. You started and ended really strong. Yeah. You started and ended so well that Michael could actually nip that bit out. But now we've referenced it, he's going to have to leave a little bit of it. Too ingrained in all the chat, isn't it, sadly? It was a slow power down, though. Oh, God, I was in trouble. Right, let me do one of these first before I power down again. Okay, go on. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'd love it if you could give my little business a shout-out, please. I'm a primary school SENCO and created my new – what's SENCO?

53:46Josh Widdicombe:Special Educational Needs Coordinator. I don't know. I think someone like that. Yeah. and have created a new card game, Phonics Fiesta, for children learning phonics. So it'll be perfect for lots of listeners. This is absolute bullseye. It's based on the traditional card game, Crazy Eights, which Uno is also based on, very similar to Uno. But instead of matching numbers, though, you're matching the sounds in words, and it's a great fun, great idea. At the moment, there are four different sets, starting with C, V, C words, and moving through to different phonics sounds with increasing difficulty.

54:19Josh Widdicombe:But the more I sell, the more sets I can create. it's great for children age four plus learning phonics or to reinforce their reading skills for those with dyslexia and literacy difficulties there we go well done josh you can find phonics fiesta at instagram.com phonics.fiesta or on my website phonicsfiesta.co.uk i'd be really happy to send in some sets for your children as i really believe it's a great way of supporting children learning to read and would love for you to try it yourselves if you could let me know blah blah Thank you very much. Stay sexy and relatable. Sally, P.S. I used to live in Mottingham.

54:56Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my end. I live in Essex now. I still work in a school in New Eltham. I know you love a little bit of South East London shout out. Where's New Eltham? Rob, is that near you? Yes, near me. I used to work in the Marks and Spencer's in Eltham. Well, it looks lovely, Phonics Fiesta. I thought you were going to say Eltham does. That would be incorrect. No, no, no. But Phonics Fiesta looks absolutely great. That is a brilliant thing. do go out and buy it phonicsfiesta.co.uk here we go hi rob and josh big fan of the pod and i've been extra appreciative of it keeping me company on some late nights with the arrival of our second child this time last year i wanted to give a shout out to a business that my friend andrew has spent a lot of time and years developing it's called spy readers spy readers and it's a free website that's purpose is to help children develop a lifelong love of reading.

55:46Andrew is a primary school teacher and along with the help of a colleague has read thousands of children's books and used all of the data they've collected to build a book suggestor tool. Oh, this will be good to give parents personalized book recommendations in seconds. That's recommendations focus on a child's interest and takes their age into account. So it hopefully could be very helpful to a lot of people who enjoy the pod. How he's been able to build this alongside being a very present dad and full-time teacher is beyond me it can be found with a simple google search spy readers that's good because my kids sometimes don't know what to get next do you know i mean rather than just keep buying the same author so get on spy readers and get a recommendation that's clever that's great

56:25Josh Widdicombe:good work josh sleep well i've got to let me be full let's do a trail and tell you this we've got to do the 10 minutes to the start of friday now how the fuck am i going to get through that well No, don't let them know that because... I'd say that makes me excited to tune in. How bad is the opening of the Friday episode going to be? We'll find out. See you next week. Bye. Can I make a tea? Yeah.