S11 EP21: Customer Service Revenge

0:28Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing.

0:37Let's start recording this one. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Hello, you're listening to Parenting... Please put that in, Michael. Yeah, yeah, yeah, actually. Fuck it. Go for it. Ready? I am. I am. Yeah, sure? Yep. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Joanna. Can you say Rob? Biggie. And? Josh Regan. Can you say lovely bit of business? No. No. No. That was a cute one. Yeah, that was nice. This is our three and a half year old, Joanna. They're from Brighton. They're from Peterborough. Oh, shit. Do you like Peterborough? First ever paid gig was in Peterborough. Was it? I got driven up there.

1:28Was it at that Wetherspoons? It was in a bar where I was on like a higher bit of it with a microphone, but everyone was just in the pub like normal, like queuing at the bar, walking around in groups. It didn't look like a gig. It looked like someone just put a microphone in the corner of a pub and I got 60 quid for it. And I got dropped home at Stanmore Tube Station, even though I lived in Lewisham and I had to get three night buses home. Oh my God. And I felt like a fucking king. Yeah. So many of those gigs in those days, you just thought, I can't believe. Just someone paid me to do it. I don't remember my exact first paid gig.

2:03I remember that feeling of the one I had was I remember doing a gig called Red Raw in at the stand. Amsterdam. Amsterdam, yeah. Instead of a mic. I paid actually for that one. Yeah, I paid it. I did Red Raw at the stand. It was the open mic night at the stand in Edinburgh and then Glasgow. No, Glasgow on the Monday, Edinburgh on the Tuesday. But they had someone paid closing it. and I got 50 pounds for each night but I had to cover all of my costs so obviously I was hundreds of pounds into I had to pay seven quid petrol yeah to get back to Stanmore before my three buses at midnight but it was just as I was finally working out what I was doing about two years in and I remember having good gigs and thinking I think I might be able to do this and I was walking home and I got a pizza I vividly remember walking through Edinburgh thinking I might be able to become a comedian here that's an amazing thing that was the best 200 quid i've ever spent a lot of my um wanting to be a comedian came through sort of anger and bitter resentment so i remember once i did a gig in like a little tip for you there if any new comedians if you're looking for drive i would say bitter anger resentment low self-worth hatred and a point to prove himself to the world it does really it really helps puts a bit of petrol on the fire but i remember i got dropped off after a gig i did a gig in like bournemouth i weren't getting paid i did the middle spot so someone picked me up from voxel we drove down there i got didn't get paid and someone else that was getting paid and that was driving didn't do their full time still got paid like 120 quid i'd had a really good gig because i was a really good open spot at that point compared to like the paid gigs and then i got dropped home and i was waiting for a bus from voxel because they didn't want to take me all the way home and i was just like fuck these guys i'm gonna come in and fucking eat them up and it's a really horrible attitude but it did help yeah but here you are I had such a chip on my shoulder.

3:56I was so angry at the world. And I was just like, I'm just going to, because I could see a glimmer of, oh, I can do this. I was just like a battering ram of fucking anger. It didn't come across. No, because it was, I wasn't angry at individuals. I was angry at an invented situation almost. And everyone I actually dealt with was mostly quite nice. And that's what I wrote about in my book, that even these people that I thought of these, you know, entitled, privileged, rich kids were actually really nice people, but didn't choose the life they would give than Ivo. Exactly, Ivo's a nice bloke. and not either he came along later who was that week from peterborough hello josh rob and michael these are three and a half year old joanna having a go at the intro with mum lindsey as you can probably tell we are long time listeners have been practicing your name since joanna started to say her first words fucking hell that's amazing we're looking forward to seeing josh live in october we're gutted to miss out on local tickets to rob's tour when he didn't come to peterborough i did fucking come to peterborough i think i've done peterborough am i doing it again.

4:52Don't give me shit because you're not on top of the local staff. Anyway, Rob, we've managed to snag tickets to the new Bromley dates where Rob is almost doing a 158. They're coming to Bromley from Peterborough? Yeah, Stay Sex and Relatable, Stuart Lindsay and Joanna Potter from Peterborough. Sorry, I was about to slag them off, but respect actually. It's not a 158, is it? We've discussed this. What are the timings? 1.30. And 1pm, 4.30 and 8, because the theatre needed more time to stop the bar. And no offence, the theatre, but fucking hell, mate, I'm doing this show. All it is is a couple of glasses and drinks in it.

5:20Surely you can do a two-hour turnaround. You could stop the bar while Rob's on stage because is the bar in the theatre? I don't think it is. 14th of November, 2024, Peterborough. Thank you very much. And I remember because the parking's a nightmare outside. Oh, Rob's got a parking ticket. But they're coming to Bromley, seeing Bromley. There we go. We're doing some listeners' emails today, Rob, because we haven't done that in ages because we just blather on. We can't ask these guys questions and not get anything It's a community. It's a community. Here we go. This is under miscellaneous. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael.

5:51Love the podcast. Started listening last year and I'm almost caught up on back episodes. Don't know what I'll do when I have to wait for new ones. In series seven, episode 22. Come on now. Minute nine. Is that a joke? 39 seconds. Series seven, episode 22, nine minutes and 39 seconds. Rob predicts that after having the kitchen done, Josh will move house within five years. It didn't even take a year. Minute 1210. This is great. Yeah. Josh says he will bet Rob on 100 quid or stamp duty. I'll bet you 100 quid. Name a charity. I'll donate it now, Rob. Yeah, okay. Matt Palmer Trust. It's a mental health charity.

6:33Okay, I'll do that now. Okay. Yeah, you was fucking... No, actually, I want you to donate the stamp duty, please. I've already donated the stamp duty to the fucking government. I don't have any kids, but always recommended your podcast to every one of my friends with kids. Just bought your book for friends who you're expecting. See in October in England, Josh. In England? So this is Ariane in Connecticut, USA, 480 months. And she, I think, is going to be in October. She's coming to the UK and she's coming to see you. But obviously she can't come to any of my shows because I'm in. So£100 to charity.

7:06Thanks, Josh. I'm doing that now. The Matt Palmer Trust,£100. You're a good guy. Add£3.30 to cover fees. I think you've already given 500 quid when you got into a bet on smart TV. I know. As long as it's to charity. I want it, actually. Send it to me. Make this a monthly donation. The Rob Beckett Foundation. Let's not push it. Did you ever tell you about the time I met John Fashionew? No. Because I just did that joke about the Rob Beckett Foundation. He was talking to me. He had a charity called the John Fashionew Foundation. I was chatting to him with Zuckerham. And I was like, what have you been up to?

7:37He was talking about that. And I said, what have you been up to? And I've been doing my foundation work. And he went, also, I've been at home. I went, I've been building a house. I think it was Nigeria. He lives in Nigeria. He hosted Deal on O-Deal Nigeria, John Fashionew. He went, I've just been building a house in Nigeria. I was like, oh, okay. And he went, yeah, so I've got a house here and a house in Nigeria. He went, guess how many toilets I've got. I went, five? He went, more. I was like, eight? He went, more. And I went, I don't know, John Fashionu. And then he went, 18. Oh, my God. I just didn't know.

8:08Because that's not the measure of the size of a house. No, I mean, you know. Like, the traditional measurement is bedrooms. Yes. It'd still be a crass thing to say. I mean, there must be on sweets, Josh. You're not having 18 fucking urinals lining up. What if he's only got a three bed, but he just loves toilets? I'm not saying only three bed. What I mean is compared to his toilet. It would be weird. If you had 18 toilets and someone went, how many bedrooms you got? And they went three. You would go, only three? I wouldn't say that's you being out of touch. I think that's you being intrigued by a man with 18 latrines.

8:39Does he need it? I think with big houses, there must come a point. You know, when you see the Queen. have you watched no but I understand that she's got Buckingham Palace I don't need to watch the Queen operate I know how big a palace when am I going to realise that the Queen's died and that we've had a King for two and a half years you know when you see the Queen I can't get over the fact that he's King no it's like a substitute teacher it doesn't work for me yeah it doesn't work for me when they say Donald Trump's visiting the King I look at it I'm like well he's just having a bit of dinner with Prince Charles she had aura Do you know what?

9:16She just did nothing either. I never even did it. I think he gives too much of himself away trying to be the jolly young prince. Yeah, I think she's got riz. Well, she had riz. Josh, you're allowed to say she's dead. You're not being distracted. We're not going to get pulled from the air. Oh, I know. No, no, no. I just keep messing up and forgetting she's dead. Sorry, what I was going to say is when you see them in like Buckingham Palace or something, you go, that looks like a terrible place to just sit in the evening. And I think John Fashner, who's 18, toilet house, I just wouldn't feel comfortable.

9:45No, he's quite an intense guy anyway. I think even just his house would be quite hard because he's lovely, but he's quite into like, he really looks at you in the eye. Yeah, yeah. I find that really disturbing when someone's like really in your eye. Yeah. So I'm just looking at pictures of John Fashion, you know. What's happening, guys? Long-time listener, first-time writer, inner. As a single dad to three monsters for over eight years, I've loved listening to both yours and listeners' stories. Eight years? I presume he just means he's been a single dad. That's the ages of the kids. Three monsters for over eight years, yeah.

10:14I've loved listening to both yours and listeners stories making me realise I'm not doing too bad at this parenting lark I've been particularly paying attention to the sibling age gaps correspondent from the early days which I reckon I can trump the lot No, no way My eldest son Flynn was born in October 2012 Okay His sister Eva was born in August 2013 leaving a 10 month age gap between the two Oh my 10, hang on So he got pregnant a month after giving birth So that's not only the same year at school, but they were in the same primary school class. They're regularly asked if they're twins, but of course they aren't.

10:53My son is one of the oldest in the year, my daughter being one of the youngest. They're now happily separated from each other's classes at high school and are smashing it. When my daughter was around two years of age, I just cooked them fish fingers, alphabites and peas, thinking they'd enjoy it. I then proceeded to spell their names with alphabites on their plates. Bloody hell, great dadding. one for Flynn my eldest one for Eva and one for Louis my youngest that's a lot of as I left them to enjoy their meals I stood in the kitchen washing up her crying at the dinner table I came through to find Eva crying at her plate saying I don't want to eat my name daddy when asked why she said if I eat my name what will you call me oh that's quite sweet she thought by eating her name it would disappear and then I'd have to rename her that is such a random way to look at that I I know.

11:42Has she never seen her name written down anywhere? Well, she's never eaten it. Also, I'd be annoyed if I was Eva because you're getting less alphabites because Flynn and Louis are getting five and Eva's only getting three. Yes, that is a problem. Yeah. Being a single parent to three kids with their ages being so close, my youngest was born March 15, is genuinely comforting to hear relatable stories where we're all in the same boat and just winging it, really. Speak for yourself. I'm fucking nailing it, mate. Stay sexy and relatable. Clark from Hull. I know exactly what I'm doing. Clark from Hull.

12:11Go on, Clark from Hull. Go on, Clark from Hull. Right, what else have we got here? Some correspondi. Got some boomers. We've not done a boomer for ages, have we? Do a boomer. And then customer service job revenge. I don't even remember asking for that. Weird phobias. Parenting fails. You do a boomer. Nightmare name. And I'll do customer service job revenge. I'm going to do a nightmare name. Hello. My then boyfriend and now husband was once pretty late for a date with me because he had received an email from someone called Saddam Hussein. You what? Sorry, say that again. This is Nightmare Names, yeah.

12:44Oh, right. I thought it was Boomer. Hello. My then boyfriend and her husband was once pretty late for a date with me because he had received an email with someone called Saddam Hussein. Just had to do a lap of the office and let everyone about it before he left. Safe to say I wasn't overly happy with this reason for him leaving me standing like a lemon in Leicester Square waiting for him. But I got over it and we're now 10 years and two kids down the line. Keep it sexually relatable, Zoe, 444 months. Tough name, Saddam Hussein, isn't it? Yeah, that's a tough one. Also, it's... Saddam's not even that popular, is he?

13:11He's been famous for a long time, Saddam Hussein. Real longevity. Real longevity. I mean, I know he's gone now, RIP. I didn't like him, just to be clear. But he's been famous for 40 years. Sorry, why have you become some sort of Saddam Hussein fanboy? Jack the Ripper has been famous for centuries. Oh, on that name thing. My friend, I think she was working at an estate agent or something, and she had to call someone. The surname was genuinely spelt C-U-N-T. No. The German? German, yeah. God, that's a mental name. She called her up. Not even a K? No. And she didn't know how to deal with it, so she said, Hi, is Mrs.

13:57Cuente there? And the woman said, It's cunt, darling.

14:07there's a family friend of ours her surname was Cockley yeah at the school they would read their name out and say Coley it's Cockley it's like Cockburn you know the estate it's Cockburn it's Cockburn it's Cockburn have you ever there's a company called Cluttons no have you heard of Cluttons no so Joe Lysak got in trouble with them I think they may have sent him like let us just stop doing it it's some sort of infrastructure consultancy property management joe like oh got me cluttons are all clammy and just say cluttons was like a sort of term for genitalia but they'll get me up with him doing it did they oh god no such thing as bad pr i don't know i just don't know how people work in a proper job well i've done proper jobs where like you're sat there imagine having the meeting where you're like we need to deal with this joe lyser we need to talk about joe lyser talking about cluttons how How do we rebrand this?

14:58How do we take ownership? I just was terrible. I used to work in an event management job and I'd be so tired from gigging. I just fell asleep in meetings before and it was so stressful when you wake up and everyone's looking at you. I don't know if you've done that. I've never fallen asleep at work, but I used to go to the toilet a lot and just sit and think, what am I doing? I'm not very good at hiding how I feel. And in a corporate job, that is the key aspect to it. You know what I mean? you've got to be able to go in there and hate someone but smile do your pitch oh my god i used to hate it and then in the end i said to him because i was just doing admin but because of my now i realized dyslexia i used to make loads of mistakes all the time yeah and they'd tell me off for that because i wasn't really good at the detail or on the phone or remembering stuff and all that and i'd write the thing and also i didn't care about the price of orange juice so i said to them once because i was too accommodate at the time why don't i come and do the pitches with you i know that there's more experienced people but i'll be the best person here at presenting i can do the presentation and any final details you guys can sort out but i'll be able to go in a room win them over do the pitch get the business and then you guys can run with the business why can't i do that here and they looked at me like i was fucking mental but looking back i was 22 it's quite overconfident that and it's for someone that keeps making mistakes every day to go in and go let me go and do the pitch it's a bit like you know when someone's about to get voted off on the apprentice and they think the only way to save themselves is to like take over team leader The captain will be.

16:24I'm going to go team leader this week, Lord Sugar. I'll show you what I'm worth. I'm going to lead team valour this week. Sure, last week I lost the petty cash. I got punched in the face and someone's put in an official complaint. But I think this week we've got it. Bring on the coffee stall. Hi, lads. Please keep me anonymous. You asked how – it says thanks anonymous, so it's difficult for me not to. Please keep me anonymous. You asked how some staff get their own back during a shift. When I worked at a bar in Bournemouth, Some of the bartenders used to get revenge on drunk customers if they were being rude.

16:55We called it, sorry, it's so sweary, because I've already said this word. We called it. Just spell it out. C-U-N-T tax. Ooh. And every time a customer's rude, we would hit dash of lime on the till, which added 20p. I like that. That's good, isn't it? Someone asked for the receipt, but they would say we were out of paper. No one got caught when I worked there, as it was only done to rude, drunk people. It's the little wins. Thanks, Anonymous. I'm fully behind that. Yeah, customer service is hard work, man. Do you want a sex in large public places? Yeah, yeah. Are we doing these, Michael? Are we saving these?

17:31Or are we saving a Shaggers one? We're saving the Shaggers. Saving the Shaggers. We're saving up for a Valentine special or whenever we do it. Christmas special is good for Shaggers, isn't it? So if you've got any more playground Shagger drama stories, send them in. And also sex in large public places. I'll give you a little sex in large public places one. Just listening to your episode where a horny cinema manager picked up men from the nightclub to have sex with them in the cinema auditorium. It reminded me of a story my husband told me of involving a boy he used to go to secondary school with.

18:02Oh, God. There we go. There's some sort of confession. His father's... This must be the boy. His father's funeral parlour, oh, God, was situated across the road from the local nightclub. And with a spare set of keys in hand, he was notorious for taking girls back to this place following a successful night on the town. I must say the establishment was also a joinery workshop and had offices and a chapel. So I would presume there were plenty less inappropriate places within the building to do the deed. Nevertheless, quite a shocking anecdote of a young lad who lived at home with his parents and saw an opportunity for some privacy.

18:39So he'd go to the funeral parlour. You've got to go to the office. No one's doing it in the main bit, are they? No, no, exactly. That's bad. Right, Rob, you're single. Yeah. Keep talking. And there's someone you really fancy. Yeah. Shall we go Margot Robbie? I think she's a beautiful woman. I wouldn't say she's my type. Okay. So if you were single, you'd say no to Margot Robbie. Is that what you're saying? Lizzie Cundey. Okay. Lizzie Cundey. I don't know why I thought Lizzie Cundey. I was trying to think of someone that was like a, you know, a page three model when I was a teenager. Caprice. Caprice.

19:15Yeah. And she said, I need you, but I've only got keys to a funeral parlour. Yeah. Would you come back with me? And then when you got there, she was like, the floor's very hard, much like you. But do you know what? I know this might be weird. It's quite padded in the coffin. It's like velvet padding. Yeah. And should we just get in the coffin? And that's my final offer. Okay, there's a lot going on here. So it's that or nothing. Right, so I would definitely go back to the funeral parlour just to scope it out. Yeah. You're not in a window. It's not like a thing where people, you're not like one of the display coffers.

19:53No, no, no, but like if she said, look, I can't go back to her house, but we can go to the funeral parlour. Trust me, it's all right. I'd go, right, look, I trust you. Yeah. Let's go and have a look. Yeah, look, sure, Nelma Candrew. I trust you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm just trying to think of people. Look, Melinda Messenger, let's have a look. Let's see what it's like. You can't get into Fort Boyard? No, fair enough. Let's have a look at the funeral parlour. Leslie Grantham's using it. I think I would try to get her into one of the offices as opposed to... Which is like, the offices are locked.

20:21But look, this coffin. The floor, oh man, it's stone. Too stone. It's too cold. It is too cold. But this coffin... I'd lie on my back if you want. I'd take the cold if you want to go on top. No, no, I couldn't do that to you because my knees would get cold. But then you wouldn't have to have sex with someone in a coffin because there's no arm space or you're like pencils. Yeah, I suppose. You need your arms and legs, don't you? I don't know how you do it. Just stiff as a board bouncing up and down. I'm stiff as a board.

20:50It's a shame. Anyway, this anonymous person said, really enjoyed the podcast. Started listening last May on holiday when baby number two was on the way. Have since gone back and listened to the entire back catalogue. I'm going to see you both when you come to my hometown, but have already had a foul in that I booked a babysitter for this year by accident and only realised Josh wasn't coming in a funeral parlour. until 2026. When I complained to Ticketmaster the day before for not sending our tickets yet, I would suggest when you book something, look at the date. I know. It's so easy to do though, isn't it?

21:20Because it does feel mental that someone's announcing dates over a year away. Then just don't assume. I've got very little sympathy, I'm afraid, Josh. I don't know if they were asking for sympathy, were they? If they are, they're not getting it. Okay, that's fair. You know when it says 2026, there's that number at the end. I'm just wondering whether I've ever done it. I don't think I have. We missed a football match in Spain once. We went the day late. But I think, though, that was, they changed the fixture. I did that when I was at uni. I went to Man City and they'd moved it for Sky. Yeah, this was before the internet telling you so that we missed that.

21:57And I was walking through Moss Side thinking, this is incredibly quiet for a match day. It's horrible when you realise, isn't it? Yeah. Another correspondence? Yes. Boomer boarding school. I love boarding school ones. You're very interested in boarding schools, aren't you? I find it fascinating. And I find the British class structure, what certain parts of it find an amazing opportunity for someone. I love the fact that working class people think sending a kid to boarding school is one of the cruelest thing you could possibly do. And people in the upper classes think it's the most amazing opportunity you can give a child.

22:34And I think somewhere in the middle, there's truth in it. I think actually when the kids are in secondary school and a bit older and super confident, I think actually spending a couple of nights at a school when you're in year eight or nine with your mates, maybe like a Monday or Tuesday, is such a great experience for them if they like it. And a little bit of independence that helps transition them into going to university and leaving home. The thought of sending my six, seven-year-old to a boarding school on their own for three months, I think is the cruelest thing you possibly do. but then some people have good stories of it but in my experience a lot of people I've met that have been left at boarding school at six or seven it's not great it's not great maybe I'm narrow minded and I'm only speaking to a certain point if you went to boarding school at six or seven let us know if you went and you loved it let us know if you sent your kids and your reason why let us know I'm not you know open to be convinced otherwise but that's how I feel about it at the moment through my experiences of talking to people but yeah if you went or you have sent your kids Rob said if he gets five positive emails about the boarding school experience, he will send his children for a year.

23:37As an experiment for the pod. Yeah, as an experiment for the pod because we're serving you. I say, girls, we need content. You're not saying silly things anymore. You're actually getting a little bit too smart for my liking. You're reading your books. You're doing your homework. You're behaving very well. Daddy needs some content. Not one of you is shat in a bath for three years now. So one of you, I'll have a shit in the bath. I'll get to boarding school, get a bit of emotional trauma, and then I can have a little chin mug with Josh about it, okay? You can write me letters and I'll read them out on the pod.

24:04Exactly. And we can call it Letters from Home. It'll be a new segment, okay? Do you know why we need to do that? Daddy needs money for your boarding school. Yeah, exactly. And because we're doing it for the pod, I'm considering it a work expense. And if HMRC want to have a problem with that, come back and listen to this episode because this is where it's come from. And it's no way, just because I wanted to send my kids to boarding school and now we're trying to pretend that it's part of the podcast. Yeah, and you're not allowed to speak on this podcast because if you do, then you're actually performing on it.

24:33Then I have to set up some sort of new tax thing where you are a contributor and you are performing like a child star, which we're not doing, okay? I'm not one of those influencers that just film you all day and put it online. And your letters are not copyrighted to you. I'm talking about my experiences, actually, that involve you, but they're not your experiences, okay? And that's a direct message, and I hope you enjoy boarding school. Enjoy boarding school. I'll see you at Christmas. stop crying i'll see you in easter in three months do you know how hard daddy's working for you do you know how much i'm sacrificing to give you this education you little brat and also bad news easter i'm working in dubai so i will see you in the summer so don't worry you will be joining us you spoiled little girl and i'll get a chaperone at the airport to fly with you and then they can meet me at the beach hi rob josh and michael when i was 19 working at check-in We haven't even done it.

25:28I'm still leading up to the boarding school one, Josh. Oh, sorry. Have we not done it? Oh, God. I'll do this one. Hi, Robert Josh. I love the podcast. Long time listener, first time messenger. I've got a classic boomer parenting tale from my childhood that still gets brought up at family gatherings. So when I was about seven and my sister Lucy was five, our parents proudly took us back to boarding school after the holidays. Bags packed, uniforms on, all smiles. The only issue, they'd got the date wrong and brought us back a full day early. That's the thing that could happen at any school, getting the dates wrong at the start, yeah.