S11 EP24: Normal For The Time

20:10Josh Widdicombe:He panicked and handed his child over to some strangers and gave them his address to return the child. That's a mad decision from the strangers. So what was the top of this? She was younger than she thought she was. She had imagined this story had happened to her at three or something. Right, but she was nine months old. Yeah. Stolen little child, boomers. Right, here we go. Parenting fails. Yeah. More sock on the door at Caravan Park. So this is... What was that? I think something to do with putting a sock on the door if you were having sexy time at Caravan Park. Oh, yeah. No, sock on the door meant that the kids were in there.

20:43Were asleep, yeah. Were asleep in there. Sock on the door meant the kids were asleep. That's what they did at Caravan Park. Anyway, hello, you sexy bastards. Slightly different scenario to the sock on the Caravan Door on a recent podcast. I stayed with my family when I was around seven at a famous Caravan Park in the late 80s. A large number of families there would lock their kids in the chalets at the kids' bedtime and then go out on the piss in the bath. We're thinking pontons or butlins, right? Yeah, potentially. Oh, they're not really caravan parks, though, are they? Well, Potter's. Potter's was one I used to go to.

21:12Oh, okay. They're from Liverpool anyway, so it might not be there. Inside the main room on site, there was a large electronic sign where chalet numbers would be displayed if a child was crying whilst locked inside. That is incredible. So I suppose if the soldiers are walking around, and if they hear crying, they just... Notify them. Yeah, basically other parents who are heading to their own chalet would notice someone's child was locked inside one of the chalets and was crying. Jesus fucking wept. pass this on to reception who would light up the electronic sign to inform the parents in the park

21:40Josh Widdicombe:that is so insane isn't it that's a very similar you know like could the owner of rf42 lgd move their car because you're blocking it's like that kind of yeah and you're just hammered and then how likely if you're on a night out in the caravan park how likely are you to repeatedly check the matrix board that displays the chalet numbers. We said you'd need the parents of the child to notice that it was their chalet number on display. Needless to say, any child crying for their parents would be waiting at least 30 minutes for anyone to shut up if they were lucky. Fucking hell. That is so insane. Also, not to turn this too bleak, it's more dangerous to lock them in than not lock them in because of fire.

22:23Josh Widdicombe:You just do not leave a child alone. It's that simple. It's so simple. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. this is a boomer story when i was young my dad would often work events in the evening and my mom would frequently go with him rather than stay at home i can't tell you just as an aside rob how different that is from my household where rose would just not frequently go do you know what i'm gonna come to swindon wyvern theater i tell you what i might get up there early and spend the day there yeah yeah it'd be lovely to watch the show for the fourth time because hayes was brilliant last night wasn't it josh oh it's really good to see you in two days in a row just to see how the show's developing how you approach different energies yeah you are a master of your craft it's just nice to see you do it if you got a guy doing the sound on your tour yes i do yeah i'm already five in and i do think you poor fucker how bored must you be of hearing this do you change your show as it goes along or is it always the same the audience stuff's different You won't try a new bit or introduce a new idea as you go, because that saves me from going mad.

23:33Josh Widdicombe:Bits will add bits, but I like to do it because I get a rhythm and I really like the rhythm and I feel fine. I can relax into it. You're on the track. You've got to route to home. I know when I'm coming off the track and then I know when I'm going back onto the track, if that makes sense. See, I have no track. You have no track. So your sound person might have a more enjoyable experience than my sound person. But there's sound people who are having a much worse experience than my sound people who's so – because there is comedians out there who are literally word for word every night. Yes, but there's potential that my sound man's having a better time than the crowd on certain days.

24:10There is, yeah. It's always a danger. So you've got a track. What I have is, you know, like a paintball arena. Yeah. Where essentially there's sort of like a – there's a blown up tank over there. There's a little like a house there. There's a trench there. I'm sprinting to each of those and each of those represent a routine right okay yeah yeah right I'm there now do that one and then I think right where should I go next and I'm zigzagging right yeah yeah if I think about it too much it sends me mad so I just have to turn up so your sound

24:39Josh Widdicombe:man's like going he's loving now what in the name of god is going on in this mind whereas my sound man's going will he see my phone light up if I if I read a book on my phone And Mike, my cell man, the other day went, did your pube story again? You've not done your pube story for weeks. I was like, did I? Yep. Just felt like it was right, actually. And that says a lot about the crowd, that it felt like it was right to bring it up. No, no, they were being a bit stuffy. And sometimes if they're being a bit prudy and a bit like, oh, God, I'd just double down on it. And it sort of breaks the ice. Oh, nice.

25:14I'll say like, well, you didn't like that. You're definitely not going to like the bit about my pubes. And then they don't. But then that's quite funny. i did that with two months and a woman on the front row went disgusting and i went you're sat down there like you've not got pubes made me laugh anyway sorry anyway back to boom apparently

25:35Josh Widdicombe:sorry the solution to having an eight-year-old with no child care was that he would invite my best friend to come and stay also eight to what to keep me company so what was this i completely forgot what you was talking about when i was young my dad often had work events in the evening and my mum would frequently go with him rather than stay at home yeah we started talking about rose coming to watch yeah the solution was having an eight-year-old with no child care was that they would invite my best friend to come and stay also eight to keep me company as we lived several hours from london they would stay in the hotel room provided by his work and then return the next day while we looked after ourselves in the home alone so the mum went to the work so she didn't it wasn't even her work she just thought i'd go with the husband yeah yeah and an eight-year-old was a home alone so they just got another eight-year-old around so two eight-year-olds what do you say to the other parents well they must have been in on it if they should look after both kids both parents must have thought well that's fair two eights make 16 that's old enough they used to do 16 one-year-olds that was the weirdest night just imagine your daughter being invited to a sleepover right i'm not backing it rob i'm just saying this is what's happening but imagine how mental that I bet you'd go, drop her off now then.

26:46Right, you can have a good time. I'm going, give me a call if she gets upset. Won't be able to. We're both going to be in London. We're just going to leave.

26:54Josh Widdicombe:I've raised this with my mum as I now have two children of my own who are 14 and 11, and I still wouldn't leave them overnight, obviously. Her response to this is you don't understand how mature you were. Fuck off. Gaslight FM. Writing this down has made me realise more how neglectful it was, but she claims this was fine and normal for the time thankfully i'm still unscarred what do you think will be normal for the time that our kids will have a go at us for because that will happen maybe screen stuff you allowed me to have that much ipad and you allowed me to have social media will be the thing like and you'll be like yeah but you wanted to yeah everyone wanted it you don't understand everyone had you know this generation that are all depressed and can't have a moment in their own heads you all wanted it it might be travel and climate stuff where yeah oh my god you like did that or you had a petrol cut you know yes do you know what i need i'm a good guy josh right yeah you are a good guy i've got a kind heart and i want to do the right thing and i want everyone to feel appreciated and respected and i don't want anyone to be unhappy or anything to be harmed or hurt but i don't really have the time to do all the reading and be informed no but you've I tell you what, you've got two children of seven and nine.

28:14Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. And in about three or four years, they're going to know all the right things and the wrong things. And just go with them. And I'll just do whatever they say. Whatever you do, don't go against them because then you'll become an old bastard. Just go. I need a list. I need to sign up to an app and they daily, I can type into it. What's the opinion that's not going to get me beaten up or cancelled? And then I can just go out in the world and have that one. do you know what Rob when you said I didn't know this and I was like oh god I'm trying my best when you said Josh you had some comments that you haven't got enough bedding in your hamster cage I'm like I'm trying my best I'm genuinely I didn't know you were my nab tubes he seems to love the tubes how do I know I'm trying to make it like his habitat yeah his tuby little habitat I don't know anymore I don't know why they're not allowed I think tubes should be fine why is he going in it?

29:10Tell him. You need thick bedding though, so they can burrow and hide. I know. The thing is as well, you're a good guy, Josh. You're not tight. You will buy that bedding. It's not like you just didn't know.

29:21Josh Widdicombe:And also maybe the comments are helpful. And so then I'm like, why am I getting so defensive? Just accept that someone's trying to help you. And you're not an awful person. You're just not informed. But now someone's told you. Yeah. And now I can't hold a hamster can i hold hamster am i allowed a hamster you're not allowed to hold it even now john you shouldn't really have a hamster really when it boils down to it should just mental i think about it take it back the beddings the least of his fucking problems is when kept in a cage i've looked into i think it's best we just kill both hamsters i think that's the best way going forward i've got a couple of fish over there what's it what's going on in their lives hello you sexy relatable beasts weird phobias when you said shouldn't really have a hamster even just kill where does it end where does it begin and end that's the problem just heard the discussion on josh's weird phobia what's my phobia oh being touched on the arse for going upstairs yeah do you know what i did that to my son the other day he was going upstairs ahead of me and you can't help but slap them on the arse in a comedy manner and then i thought fuck i might be creating the same phobia yeah they've got to start somewhere this person's got a phobia my phobia is being wanked off by a gorilla yeah i know but that obviously it goes back to that one incident doesn't it yeah back in the day when you were allowed to hold gorillas it got a bit out of hand yeah exactly this person jasmine from winchester it has a phobia of stickers oh i hate them they're disgusting and they make me feel sick.

30:59Josh Widdicombe:There's a hierarchy. Post-it notes are fine, but stickers inside shoes or barcode stickers on crockery are the absolute worst. I don't like them ones that are hard to get off. Yeah. They make me feel a bit icky. She says, even writing it down makes me feel nauseous. Like most kids, my eldest loves a sticker book, so it's a constant battle. Youngest daughter has inherited my dislike for stickers, so that's something. No, it's not. You've given her your dick. No, because there's nothing actually wrong with a sticker. It's the way her brain processes it. They're very practical. Get them on the Speakmans.

31:36Get a sticker on. Do you know what I love about Speakmans is, get them on this morning, and there'll be a lady like that. Oh, yeah, the Speakmans. And she'll be crying as they unpeel a sticker. And then by the end of the episode, they're sat there all spaced out, like they've been hypnotised with a sticker on their forehead. And they're just pulling at her and going, look, these things are achievable. She looks like absolutely traumatised. She's got a sticker on her head. Just with a lobotomy, it's fine. She's totally disassociated from the entire world, and now she can put a sticker on her head.

32:02Another case solved.

32:05Josh Widdicombe:Do you want another phobia, Rob? Yeah, go on. I've got a boomer here. Okay. Hi, Rob and Josh. My wife has a phobia of clusters of small holes. Oh, yeah, I've heard about this, like on sponges. Oh. So it's a real phobia and even has a name. It's called trypophobia. Google it and you'll have a phobia of it too. I don't want it. It's disgusting. I'm not going to go to it. It's just some little holes. So what do you think it stops her eating, Rob? Moose. Moose is a good one. Crumpets. Oh. And crunchies. I'm sure she'll survive. Yeah. I don't think that's going to hold her nutrition back. Ed says, but whenever I have one, I can't help but shove it in her face.

32:46Josh Widdicombe:Unbelievable. Josh, this is a peak Josh Whittacombe question. How do you eat a crunchy? How do I eat? Ah, that's interesting, isn't it? Do you get the chocolate off? I respect both methods. I respect both methods. That was a real little sniper attack of tiredness. Yeah, it was, wasn't it? I respect both methods. No, I don't take all the chocolate off. I bite the end. Yeah. And then I stick my tongue in it. Oh, here we go. And try to, like, melt away the honeycomb. Oh. Until there's no innards and then the chocolate collapse around it. Oh, wow. In sort of incremental centimetres. So what I'd do, I didn't know there was that third method.

33:26Josh Widdicombe:Sometimes I will bite the side chocolate off. If you manage to do it right and you get the outer layer of the honeycomb and it's all smooth, I do like that. I don't like the scrape on my teeth. You don't like the scrape on your teeth? I did that with a Kit Kat Chunky, though, bite the chocolate off the edge. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. by the end I'm just going for it like the cookie monster I'm just fucking gobbling it off I'm like the fucking cookie monster all over the shop it's the beep throw in it I don't really like the crunchy is it a miniature hero I think it's a miniature hero I think it's a bit shit because it's not a proper crunchy it's bits of crunchy and chocolate yeah no it's got to be full crunchy I've not had a crunchy Friday feeling what's an advert on the roller coaster I literally I ate a crunchy about 10 minutes ago did you?

34:07Josh Widdicombe:did you eat it? well you ate it at 9.42 that is crazy you must be buzzing it was a value pack one so it wasn't a full size crunchy it was other ones you get from like poundland how many crunchies you're wholesaling crunchies i didn't have time to make some toast before i came up for this record you had a crunchy and then about half an hour in i was like i'm a bit peckish and i just looked around the office i've got a little like treat jar that's got chocolates and sweets talk me through your treat jar talk me through everything in your treat jar my partner fills it up for me because she knows like if i'm like stressed or if i'm working late i sometimes will crave a little So I don't know often what's in there.

34:43Josh Widdicombe:And there were some salted caramel lint balls that felt too good for breakfast. That's heavy duty. And also it's quite warm in my office. I think they might be a bit like gooey. But there was some sort of selection pack or some small crunchy. So I had a kind of mini crunchy. So you're going to come down, do you think? I come down off a crunchy quite hard. I might double drop. I don't think you're good with sugar, Josh. Everything affects your body a lot, doesn't it? I get really affected by sugar. I get really affected by everything. You do, don't you? Whatever it is, good or bad. Even the news.

35:15Josh Widdicombe:I've felt more results. Everything really affects me. Hamster bedding criticism. Hamster bedding criticism. I am thin-skinned. Have you put more hamster bedding in? We're doing it tonight because we're changing the hamster tonight. How often do you change the hamster, by the way? Not often enough. But I think it's one of those things. Once every week or so, innit? Are you supposed to do it? That's what we're aiming for.

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36:37Josh Widdicombe:can find the Shake It Out shorts in store now or online at lululemon.com. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael, you sexy shangers. Thought I'd share a boomer parent story from my childhood. Growing up, my dad worked for the railway, which meant our family got free rail travel. Fucking get in. There's someone in my wife's extended family who used to work for the railway and he's now retired and him and his wife can just go wherever they want first class. Just can't imagine it. Do you know what job I'd like, Rob? Go on. I'd quite like to be the person with the refreshment trolley on the railway. Tickets is stressful.

37:15Josh Widdicombe:Yes, tickets. I don't think any ticket person has ever got down a train without having at least one argument. Yeah, you've got to be a bit aggy for that, but refreshments. Like tea coffee? Refreshments, I'd love that. I'd love to get my little trolley ready with all the things in the right compartments, and then it's all neat and tidy. Yes, I have got some mini cheddars. They're just here. Lots of small talk, little banters. Lots of small talk, little banters. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, don't worry. I'd get off at Swindon and go back from there. No, I'm not going the whole way to London Paddington. I'd love it.

37:44Josh Widdicombe:Make the tea, make the coffee. Another coffee. Yeah. Sugar, are you sweet enough? Another coffee. You'll be getting to London before the train at the train. Oh, yes, please. Oh, what a great job. I'd love it. I'll give you a week on that before you go and mint. If anyone can fix it for me to do that. That'd be great. It's a shame they can't bring that show back because it's too associated with the host. Jim will fix it. yeah josh will fix it josh will fix why don't you just ask next time i'm trying to ask the trolley person if you can do a carriage just say please can i do a carriage should i text my agent and say what do you seriously what do you think the chances are of bringing back jim will fix it with me if he's not doing it surely it's fine it's the format well yeah or just say is there any chance of you can organize me working on the railway as a trolley food person but you don't get 15 % of that.

38:35I don't think it falls under your remit. Shall I say, sorry, Romesh has already signed up for a 20-episode series of that.

38:43Trolley boy. Now, here we go. So, free rail travel. So, especially since my aunt lived in London, it made regular visits really easy and cheap. In true boomer fashion, my mum and dad thought it was perfectly okay to send my sister and I on trips to London on our own to visit our aunt. Oh, wow. We'd be put on a train at Glasgow Central. Oh, that's a long old journey. That's a tough shift for you, isn't it, Josh? Oh, my God.

39:07Josh Widdicombe:I'm going to be wobbling all the way past Berwickup on Tweed. Sometimes our dad would come with us as far as Carlisle, then hop off the train back to Glasgow, leaving us to continue the rest of the lengthy journey alone. Other times we'd be sent off with a picnic and strict instructions to stay together the whole time with the promise that our aunt or uncle would meet us at the platform. At the time I was eight and my sister was 12. Still a bit young for me. We didn't always get along. And to be honest, it's a small miracle. she didn't try and ditch me along the route. My dad would sometimes ask the conductor to keep an eye on us, bearing in mind how big these trains are, but otherwise it was very much see you at the other end.

39:43And of course, this was all before mobile phones, so my parents just had to cross their fingers and wait for a call from the aunt on the landline once they got home. Oh, my God. Growing up, this felt normal, but think about it now. My eldest approach is seven. It is unthinkable that any parent would do this nowadays. Love the pod, Jen. That is incredible. I love it.

40:03Josh Widdicombe:Different times, Josh. Different times. Different times. Different times. Right, small business. Hit me. I'm a long-time listener and mum to four-year-old Margo and one-year-old twins Bill and Arthur. Yet we had three kids in three years. It's been a shocker. We live in Bristol, but my in-laws are in Buckland in the Moor on Dartmoor. Do you know that? Yeah, they'd probably gone to my secondary school. Oh, so she thinks of Josh every time she goes down there, she says. Oh, that's nice. I'd be so grateful if you could give a small shout out to Somerset Wood Recycling run by my partner Tom. This might be a bit dark for your podcast, but they make environmentally friendly coffins.

40:40Oh, that's nice. That's not too dark. Now, most typical coffins are made in China or Eastern Europe from MDF glue and plastic. You wouldn't put that in your log burner, so why cremate it or bury it in the ground? Very good point. Tom's eco coffins are handmade from old pallet wood and are lined with used coffee bean sacks. They're rustic, yet beautiful to look at, and a much more sustainable way to honour your loved ones. Oh, that's nice. Order from Somerset Wood Recycling in Western Supermare, and delivery can be arranged all over the UK. That's a mad delivery, that, isn't it? You know what I mean?

41:11I know it's got to be delivered, but the old coffin delivery's here.

41:16Josh Widdicombe:Oh, they look good as well. Somersetwoodrecycling.co.uk coffins. Oh, they are. They're lovely. Awful to say this. My dad would love that. But he's way off yet. Do they do one size fits all? That's a coffin. I've never been in the market for one. You only ever buy one once. You don't give many return customers. This one's a bit tight. Don't worry about it. You'll be all right. We'll get you in. See, it turned out it wasn't too dark. No, not dark enough. Not dark enough. Varnish it. Varnish that coffin. Hi all. Would love a small business shout out for the fabulous Smile Sensory and Family Farm in Erridge near Tunbridge Wells.

41:49Josh Widdicombe:Is that Kent again? Is Tunbridge Wells Kent? It's a completely volunteer-run business who support people with all kinds of additional needs. My son is 16, has complex needs including autism, being non-verbal and having type 1 diabetes, amongst other things! He has been out of education since October due to schools saying they no longer meet his needs and he's been attending weekly one-to-one sessions at Smiles since January and he absolutely loves it. His confidence is growing every week. It has been the only constant he's had in all the madness he's experienced over the last year. all their animals and rescues and all have their own stories sometimes very sad i would love to get some much needed publicity let people know who they are a shout out would be fun so they're called the smiles sensory and family farm in aerogen tunbridge wells and the website is sfmsensoryfarm.co.uk that's sfmsensoryfarm.co.uk go and support them and pay a visit you can volunteer there you can book a visit lovely day out good stuff josh i'll see you next time joshua see you next time bye