S11 EP26: Top 3 Arguments

0:00Josh Widdicombe:I sold my car in Carvana last night. Well, that's cool. No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer, down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong. So, what's the problem? That is the problem. Nothing in my life goes to smoothie. I'm waiting for the catch. Maybe there's no catch. That's exactly what a catch would want me to think. Wow, you need to relax. I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood? I think it's laminate. Okay, yeah, that's good. That's close enough. Car selling without a catch. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

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1:33hello i'm rob beckett and i'm josh willicombe welcome to parent in hell the show in which josh and i discuss what it's really like to be a parent which i would say can be a little tricky

1:42Josh Widdicombe:so to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parent in hell with philly can you say rob beckett beckett and josh just widdica jump car well done very good what was that in the end very jolly very jolly very jolly do you know what i was doing then rob i realized go on i'm i'm still never 100 confident where the sound's coming out my phone when i'm playing it out loud whether it's coming out the ear bit or whether it's coming out the bottom bit but you know what you style it well yeah Looks like you're all over it.

2:47Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, but I still don't quite. Someone put a gun to my head and said, when you've got a phone call on loudspeaker, where's it coming out of? I don't feel confident. No. It's the mouth. No, it's the ear bit, isn't it? Well, I think it might be the mouth bit. I don't know. Anyway. Who was that? Anyway, who cares? Who gives a fuck? Literally, no. Even I was involved in the conversation. I couldn't give a fuck. Yeah. Michael? Are you asking if I care or if I know where it comes from? Well, both. While we're here. I believe it comes primarily from the bottom. Oh. And no, I don't give a shit. I think I don't give a shit today.

3:25Good to know.

3:26Josh Widdicombe:Hi, Rob, Josh, and Michael. This is my two-year-old nephew, Filippo. Like, you're thinking presumably the same as me. Filippo Inzaghi, the former... Oh, is it a P or an F? F. Yeah, okay. now I'm thinking like you but when you first said Filippo I thought I was thinking of Filippo Coutinho oh yes Filippo Coutinho with a PH yeah I think it was yeah but yeah no Filippo because the other Simone in Zaghi he's now a manager isn't he the brother yeah but Filippo was more it was a better striker wasn't he he was much better those who constantly caught offside I don't remember that I remember do you remember that Michael I remember Alex Ferguson saying um that boy was born offside Oh, well, there we go.

4:12Josh Widdicombe:There we go. I'd say this last minute has not appealed to our core demographic. What is our core demographic? People that are interested in where the sound comes out of phones. What's Filippo saying? I've been waiting for this moment since my sister was pregnant, as you can tell by my overexcited, high-pitched voice. Filippo is Italian, and I only speak English to him in the hope he can become bilingual. I'm also from Italy. Really? but I've lived abroad for many years and my Italian accent has somehow faded yeah too right words cannot express how grateful I am for this podcast if the mood is low listening to Parenting Hell is guaranteed to make me feel better and I'm not even a parent maybe it's because of that hope to see you live I'm presuming that's live no I hope to see you live one day um come to Italy or Germany where I currently live on your next Parenting Hell tour stay sexy Stefania Let's just put one night on in Stuttgart One night in Stuttgart Sounds like a bottom episode How are you Rob?

5:19Josh Widdicombe:We haven't spoken for ages I went to Cologne for a night didn't I? Have I talked about that? That was weird Where did you go for a night? You have yeah with the Taskmaster lot Yeah yeah yeah Yeah we've discussed that Yeah sorry Let's talk about some new stuff yeah Rob I've done a fucking medley of the greatest hits mate We'll do the traffic lights at your house Do the phone. That phone stuff will be coming back. I don't want excerpts from your next tour. You're going to grab your phone. It's going from the top to the bottom. Little bit of top, little bit of bottom. Or you're doing innuendo. I would never lower myself to the innuendo.

5:57Have you ever done any rude innuendos or rude bits? Because it's quite out of character for both of us.

6:02Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I've got one actually in the current tour that I've dropped. it's um is i i hate can i can we go deep into stand-up here just oh yeah come on i'm open up come on what's your feeling on fake mistakes um the fake mistake is normally comes from a proper mistake comes from a proper mistake yes and then you can never quite recapture it and then you drop it because it's yeah i think i if you make a mistake and it's funny and then on the night and And then you, I think, don't, I don't mind the fake mistake, but like, I think if you make the mistake again, feel free to double down on the thing that works previously.

6:42But yeah, I'm not a big fan of the fake mistake.

6:44Josh Widdicombe:I'm not a fan of the fake mistake. But it feels, sometimes you need it. I caught myself doing a fake mistake the other night because it had gone well the night before. And then I was like, I need to never do that again. I hate myself. So what was the original mistake? So I've got a bit about going on strictly and realizing that I'm the shit middle-aged bloke. Yeah. Right. Is that the mistake? I think it was a good decision career-wise. Oh, sorry.

7:07That was good. A little boost. Didn't have to do the full series. No threat of an affair.

7:13Josh Widdicombe:I said, I'm not Dan Walker. I'm Dan Walker. But for some reason, maybe it was a tougher gig. So I just throw it in a fucking, to really sell the joke without thinking. So you're Dan Walker. You're fucking Dan Walker. I said I'm fucking Dan Walker. And then I was like. You're fucking Dan Walker. I was like, I'm fucking Dan Walker. I'm not fucking him I'm not fucking Dan Walker everyone had a big laugh and then the following night I did it I was like oh god who am I I ate myself I ate myself he's gonna fuck Dan Walker again Mr. Chuckles well that's the problem with stand up is it's not a fake mistake one but a rude joke that I did once and got a laugh and every time I've done it since it feels like too cheap and shit where I said oh thanks for coming to the tour like you know it's horrible when no one comes and i said it reminds me of my marriage yeah great and he's just like oh what am i who am i the problem with stand-up is now this is my theory on it especially when you're doing a long tour that what stand-up is is that sort of weird live environment where you can say anything you want right and make it funny you can talk about what's just happened that day or like this thing that's happened this is interact an exchange between audience and performer but then when you've done the tour at loads you know the material so well that it can become a actor delivered a monologue yeah but then that's when comedy is not stand-up comedy anymore yeah you know there's a line where it veers into a one-man play that just delivers a monologue and has gaps each night because you know how long it works so it's like i always then at that point when it feels too comfortable have to chuck something in to make it feel live and you know like what could happen because otherwise you if you get bored of it then the audience can feel that so that's why i constantly try and change it as i go or otherwise it feels too like i'm just it could i could be i could just give these lines to an actor now yeah yeah but then trying to think of stuff really funny it's hard if you know you've got a bit you know it's a standard really hard anyway um yeah what we talk about right we've not seen each other for ages what you've been up to you've got voice you said to me you've got voice notes from lou about me and my back and i've got loads of stuff from being on let's finish the voice notes from lou okay fair enough um that ah this is something i wanted to speak to you about now on this holiday we went on with lou and the kids basically they come out to visit me and meet me in australia and then they we sort of hung around for a bit while i had a few more shows then we went off and did some australia stuff and then went to japan now it was more of an adventure travel holiday than a traditional sit by a pool at a hotel villa resort holiday right now it's more like every day felt like a theme park day where you're up fairly early you've got a backpack you're out for the day and then everyone comes out yeah you're doing stuff whether rides or you know going to you know sightseeing or whatever now i have learned about myself i struggle to enjoy those days if i don't have one or two pints at lunch right okay so i wanted to ask you how now you're sober when you know because sometimes when it's busy and the kids i would if i had one or two pints at lunch yeah i'd then be struggling to enjoy the rest of the day because i'd be thinking i need 10 more pints no because i'm not like that it's not that i'm not enjoying it like no no no but that was that was why i stopped drinking so so i can have one or two stopped drinking people used to say to me do you not miss having a glass of wine with lunch if you're going out with friends i'd go no because i don't know what that experience is I don't understand what having a drink with lunch is.

11:07Josh Widdicombe:That to me doesn't make any sense. Right. So is that because it opened the floodgates? Because once I've had a drink, that is all I'm thinking about. Right. Okay. So for me, I'll have like one beer at lunch. The thought that you could have one beer at lunch and then carry on with your day, I find, I didn't understand that other people could do that until I stopped drinking. and then because i thought everyone that has a drink at lunch and then carries on with their day yeah was having the same experience of me which was like when can we get enough when can we get another drink oh god i shouldn't have had that drink right i thought everyone felt like that but there's actually these people that just go on with their day having had a drink because for me it'll get to point like me and lou will be like the kids are arguing slightly and we know it's just because they're tired because they've done like we were doing 20 25 000 steps a day with a at 4 p.m if you've had a beer at two beers at lunch do you not then at 4 p.m think i like you slightly hung over and weird and like no i'm not really i'm not it would be like i wouldn't have like in australia in japan we were having glasses of beer so it's sort of like it basically would be two drinks but a pint in or maybe just over a pint of lager and that for me like when they're arguing a bit and you know the kids just need food they just sit down takes the edge off it just takes the edge off and then you sort of just you know like and then the afternoon's a bit more chill because i was like i don't i need that at lunch just to sort of make the afternoon a bit calm and i was thinking well is that a problem that i have to have that i wasn't doing it every day but the problem is if i'm like trying trying to so can you give me an example josh tell me if you're uncomfortable talking about this if you were doing that before you stopped drinking would you then be trying to sort of curtail the rest of the afternoon to get back into the pub no no i i so it wasn't problematic enough that it would affect my family yeah it would be an inner battle but right if there was a sniff that then it could turn into a session yeah so if i was in japan yeah i would would have i well i would expressly not drink at lunch because i'd know what it could do to me so but if it was at a theme park right and there's like you and another family and like not everyone likes rides you maybe would go i'll tell you what why don't you go on some rides i'll look after the bags and maybe with another dad off so i'm gonna go we can just go off the badge you run around and do what you want and then you just have you'd have a few more beers no what i would do then is i'd probably have two or three beers incredibly quickly yeah and then realize i had to stop and then the next two hours would be like a a dark battle of wills against myself to not drink again so it wouldn't relax me so yeah i wouldn't call that taking the edge off Aren't they adding edges

13:53It wouldn't give me a chilled after that No Rectangle to octagon Extra edge Get me on oblivion

14:01Josh Widdicombe:Yeah yeah exactly So But I would then I would not drink Yeah Because I know I couldn't Yeah And then I'd say to myself Well that proves I'm fine with drinks I don't need to drink in this situation Right Look at these people that are drinking But of course they're drinking because it's not a thing yes yeah because i kept yeah i because i can stop because i did i didn't drink i didn't drink for like six weeks um leading up to going on holiday but i find when i'm on holiday it's nice to have that little uh you know rat at the end of the day or at lunch it's like one or two beers and stuff and now what's lou having the same so lou might have one beer at lunch and then when we have dinner she'll have a glass of red wine and then i said we wouldn't we you know we're very i did drink one of the days a bit more but we went and watched um sumo wrestling oh how was that and you could order on your app so basically right so talk about old and new japan i went to sumo wrestling and ordered a beer on an app well the sumo wrestling was more of a tourist like sort of like show about sumo but it's quite informative but they did a bit where they um they basically come out with two sumo wrestlers and they talk you through how it all works they have a little wrestle show different moves their training techniques and they're playing with the crowd and do not crowd work and stuff and then they go does anyone want to have a go you can have a go against the sumo wrestler so it was like this big um new zealand the rugby guy put his hand up and lined up and you know anyway my i look over my thought my seven-year-old just stood up amazing and then so she ended up having a sumo wrestle with the sumo wrestler did you video it that's that's a classic that's one we got the video that's one for the 18th birthday that's a cool memory i bought everything they did in this shop that had the sumo wrestling company written on it.

15:43Too right. Just because I'm like, of course, I've got to have a T-shirt. It's where my daughter did her first sumo wrestle.

15:48Josh Widdicombe:Exactly. This could be the start of a great career. Before you know it, you're going home and she's going, I need to consume 10 ,000 calories today. Not a problem. Because I've got a big game coming up. Have some lunchtime pints with daddy.

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17:00Josh Widdicombe:so how was age-wise eight and ten yeah were they ready for one of those holidays 100 % ready for that holiday we did so much and smashed it and they I tell you what they so we went to Australia Sydney was great the Gold Coast is amazing for kids and it's got loads of theme parks it's got australia zoo where steve we went there with steve irwin and loads of fun activities and stuff to do like jet boats whale watching which is a bit of a disaster barely saw a whale my daughter was sick so that wasn't a highlight um and then we went up to the went up to like the great barrier reef to go on this pontoon where you can sleep on a pontoon overnight and the kids were snorkeling but definitely the right age the kids like threw themselves into everything they were snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef and stuff.

17:50It was amazing. I'd say Tokyo is great for kids. It's quite overwhelming, Japan. Everything's in Japanese. And I'm talking everything. Wankers.

18:00Josh Widdicombe:Absolute wankers. Self-obsessed bastards. But then we went to Kyoto. Now, I wouldn't say, I wouldn't bother going to Kyoto with kids because it's mainly temples. Can I ask you another question? We went to some temples, Josh. How long do you spend in it before it's disrespectful and you can just leave? Well, it's really busy. that's the problem so like they're like Buddhist temples where you think oh I'll go there and be zen but there's like thousands of tourists thousands of school groups and I I just find it the least Buddhist place on earth I find it so boring I find temples and that kind of sightseeing I like a church can I say it I like not this isn't an England little England oh here we go okay here we go flag shagger alert flag shagger alert Anglican churches we need more churches in the uk no i like going into a building and i find it if it's quiet and you go in and you're like i basically have the same conversation in my head every time when i go to say a cathedral is like fucking hell how did they build this hundreds of years ago it this is mental and it's quiet and quiet yeah and it's quiet soothing and reflective i've got I have no interest in going in somewhere like that if it's busy.

19:16How would you feel about waking up at 6.30am, going up to a temple for 7am, and then at 8.30am whilst you're at the temple that's still heaving, about 50 Japanese school kids come up, point at you, laugh, and then make you have a photo with them?

19:31Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I'd be. I wouldn't love it. So do they know who you are, these guys? No, I'm just a white guy, a blonde hair. Right, okay, yeah, fine. And they're into that there. Yeah, yeah, fine. They love that. Yeah. Really love pointing at my long hair and laughing. Did you do the photo? Yeah, yeah, of course. I had a little photo. Did any of them say gobble, gobble? No, no one said gobble, gobble. Absolutely not. You know, I'm disrespectful. But yeah, so do you like it? Because I just find it so boring. Like Lou was well into it. But I was like, this is quite boring. I like if it's quiet. Quiet. Yeah.

20:06Josh Widdicombe:I don't like too many people. if I if I'm in a situation with lots of people I don't like those places that I went to the science museum or one of those museums during half term like a year ago I was just like this is fucking stressful and difficult and over packed and the aren't these things meant to be the opposite of that so yeah I mean we did find another temple on the last day that was quiet which was really i'd have enjoyed that i do enjoy it took a photo and then saw the other science and you can't take photos that's why i hope you deleted it i should shouldn't i um i tell you what this food's really soft really soft they like and i googled it and they don't like roasting or crunch anything crunchy or roasting in like you're doing all very soft sloppy slob moist let's call it let's not call it sloppy but yeah sloppy like they like a lot of fat on the meat and stuff like that where if you have fat on meat in america or england and you're it's more crispy fat yeah yeah like crackling where they'll go for the wobbly fat yeah yeah but it's just different just different and did your daughters love it yeah they had the best time ever were you there the right amount of time yeah we were really happy to come home by the time we come home because it's a long way to go but we got over the jet lag like in two days it did really well but the um the the low the some of the lows were so low and then they'd have like they've started drinking fizzy drinks now though but we were like giving it to them to give them energy to get them around the rest of the afternoon and then i was like just carrying kids also so i needed a couple of beers at lunch to be able to like carry a 10 year old on my shoulders for a half a mile that's you know get get get a 10 year old on your shoulders where if you fall over it'll be disastrous and have a couple of beers that's the perfect way yeah well actually i felt like a darts play i was more loose and relaxed right yeah yeah yeah exactly you're like mr soft from the sophomore yeah yeah yeah there was one of the highlights of the arguments i'll go through some of the low points um yeah that's what i'm here for yeah so one of the low points was um one of the high points so we went to disneyland tokyo yeah well they sit down for the parade and it's groundbreaking why don't you rest your legs and also everyone can see the one time you'd have been tall enough to see the one time old big lanky over here and they are they are everyone is smaller now i you know i don't know that's true though that is i don't think that's a i think that is fair to say yeah japanese people are traditionally shorter than european people yeah i think that's fair i think it's tough to say out loud though it does feel difficult to really feel like no because it's a fact yeah that's fine um now the other other low points were oh the beds are smaller while we're still on size just that's a heads up so what size are the beds well they're not as bit smaller so you know normally like the doubles feel like big singles so like we get that we got we were getting like twin rooms which are like normally in america for some reason you get two queen beds in like the hotels in like Florida which was the queen?

23:19Josh Widdicombe:like a bigger than a I think either like bigger than a double I don't think it's bigger than a king but not as big as a king right yeah so I think it's yeah so it's a big bed yeah but you're that for some reason they're like that in America but the main problem about Japan is every all the English tourists in Japan are so smug they're in Japan of course they are that superiority that they're in Japan and actually there was loads of like stoke newington hipster types yeah of course there was because it's that because they're in japan and japan's cool and they saw me in japan oh they couldn't believe it they didn't like it no because i shouldn't be in japan no i'm not you should you should be in dubai dubai or florida as discussed that's where i that's my homeland yeah you're not going to believe who i saw in a buddhist temple in japan i'll be yeah there's a lot of that they're sort of looking over and like That's the geezer.

24:11I don't really know you because they're not into my stuff because they're cool.

24:13Josh Widdicombe:Has he had a breakdown? Is something going on? Now, they were all questioning themselves. Well, why are we here if they're here? Is Japan over? Rob's walking on the... Is Japan over? I can see him. He's eating Dubai chocolate in the Harajuku. What is this Dubai chocolate thing that is everywhere now? Oh, it's just... What happened? It's a viral chocolate that they had in Dubai that then other people have made versions of, but it's like a viral TikTok thing. Right. Thank you. Now, what was I going to talk about? Oh, some of the lows, right? So we were out for ages walking with the kids, walking through the shopping districts and stuff like that.

24:47Anyway, we go to a cafe. Well, they went to a cafe where I looked in a football shirt shop. Of course. Trying to desperately find a size that fit me. Yeah, of course. Because I'm in Japan. You live in America. I'm 3XL in Japan.

25:02Josh Widdicombe:Are you? In America, I'm slipping on mediums like a sexy little water. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so Lou was in a coffee shop with them. and um out of nowhere the youngest has just gone mental and is livid right because we queued we queued for a pop mart for an hour and a half jesus fucking christ i couldn't do i couldn't do that but when we got in the queue it looked like it was gonna be 20 minutes but after an hour you're like well we're committed here anyway it worked out because there's a new lot of la boo boo's called the why so serious which are like the circus clown ones my daughter only opens up the super rare one oh so out of one of like you've got an 80 and one chance of getting it and how does that play with the other daughter she's fucking livid yeah i can imagine my heart as a parent at that point yeah parent of two would sink yeah because you can't it's nothing you can do they're about you can't buy another one you can't get another one they're super secret super rare it's a blind box thing so they both bought a box and then they had the box in front of them and then they picked a box each it's like deal on odile she's piqued the super secret anyway the other one's jealous as she would be anyway getting that basically makes her hate her for a bit then we're in a coffee shop one orders a hot chocolate the one who's upset who hasn't got the super secret rare one the other one doesn't like hot chocolate but she's on the wind up now she can i have a taste of your hot chocolate a tastier can i have a taste of oh sorry she says no i'm We go, no, come on, be kind, shit.

26:35But we know for a fact the older one, dad doesn't even like hot chocolate. He's just doing it to annoy the other one. So he went, no, you can't. It's too hot. Who said that? The upset one who owns the hot chocolate at this stage. It's too hot. You can't have it. Anyway, and I don't want your lips on my cup. Okay, here we go. I went, now we're in the middle of like Shinjuku or Shibuya CrossFit, the busiest place in the world. Literally the busiest place in the world, right? And they're crying over hot chocolate. Anyway, so Lou says, no, I can just pour some hot chocolate in a glass for her. So she gives it to my eldest, who drinks it and loves it.

27:12Of course she does. Anyway, so now the one who's upset is going, my mind's too hot to drink. And then she's claiming that we can't leave yet because the hot chocolate's too hot to drink. But the other one's drunk it. Right, yeah. But she's just doing it for some sort of power. It's going to be cooler. I agree. but Josh, this stuff's fucking so cold. To the point it has to be untasty now. Right, so anyway, eventually she drinks it and stuff like that. She's crying, going, but it's too hot. Later on that night, she's fucking sumo wrestling.

27:52Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, of course. So she's rallied and absolutely fine. Of course, the sugar's kicked in. That was one of the low points was the hour-long wait for the hot chocolate to cool down. Jesus fucking Christ. In the busiest place on earth. I'm not sure I can handle this. This goes straight in top three of the best arguments me and Lou have ever had. All right, here we go. So, Lou wanted to go Disney in Tokyo, right? And trying to work out the website is almost impossible. Lou did a bit of research. In the end, she had to book a vacation package, which means you get a hotel that's in Disney, which means you can get into Disney earlier.

28:28and then you can, you get like a free toy and a popcorn, something like that. Anyway, so two booksees for two, one in Disneyland, one in DisneySea, two separate parks, okay? So we get, the first day we arrive, it's supposed to open at 9am and we get 20 minutes early access because of the vacation package we booked. We get there at half eight, they allow us in, we're never before anywhere else because once you get in the park, that's when your app works and you can book some rides.

28:55Josh Widdicombe:Right, okay. If you want to buy fast passes, right because this sounds like my idea of it is but i would personally maybe swerve disney in tokyo because it's so much you don't i i if you're saying that for the listeners fair enough you don't need to say that to me there was no point when i was like i might go to disney i it couldn't be lower than the list of things i will do before i die fair enough well disneyland was better than disney sea the parade was great but disney sea is so popular josh there was what What is this? SEA? SEA, right, yeah. And it's an amazing park. The rides are all quite for small kids.