S11 EP30: Pre-emptive Strike

28:06Everything's got to move on. Do you know what I mean? So, Michael, I think I'd love for you to do the test, sunspill and the underarm. But then there's a secondary test. He needs to wear them again washed because you've always got to judge your pants on the second wash. Right, yeah, yeah. Because they can shrinkage and stuff like that. How often do you wash jeans? Have we discussed this? I think we may have, but not very often. I don't really wear jeans that much anymore. What I notice is you dress like you're on stage when you're traveling. Yes, I do. You have the same outfit all the time, really, don't you?

28:38No, I don't, no. So this is what I've started doing. I started last night, Rob. God. And you'll like this. Will I? I got a pair of brand new trainers. Yeah. And I gave them to my tour manager. And I said, take these around with the tour and I can just wear them every night. So I've got clean trainers on stage. Yeah, good idea. Very good decision. Yeah. I wouldn't wear this T-shirt on stage. this is a travel t-shirt okay uh but i would wear this jacket yeah but i don't feel comfortable you you travel like um i once saw carrie cotone on a flight and she was in like a full track suit and that's how that is how i travel going to marbaya yeah and you know what it's so comfy yeah i bet it is you can feel comfortable wearing a full track suit you didn't too much Elton John if you were a full track suit.

29:30Elton John's had some good work. Must have been Kim Kardashian's mum's surgeon, was it? Kris Jenner. I fucked that up. That joke would have worked if I knew what her name was. If I fucking added too much in that set up. Pathetic. Have a day off, Rob. Yeah, so to be fair, parenting-wise, I've been added to – I realised I wasn't on the kids' new school year WhatsApp groups because I thought it had gone a bit quiet, but they'd set up a new one and not included me. Oh my God. Why? Because at the moment, never there. I mean, it's pointless anyway, but it's quite intense, the back and forth. Is it? Well, yeah, there's a lot, a lot goes into it.

30:07And a lot of people chipping in with like little bits of banter when all it is, is this is what they need to do this week. Oh, thanks. So, and so, but they'll chuck in a little joke sometimes about politics or about the school. Politics feels, feels a real gamble. Really? No one wants that. No, there was one where it said, was it, oh, the school, like, it's maths week or something so the kids can wear a number at school that day. And then everyone was saying, oh, can it be like, does it have to be like a badge or an accessory where you have a number on it? Or could it be a football kit with, you know, the number on the back?

30:43You know, because it makes a difference between like a badge and an entire outfit if they're going into school and stuff like that. I thought the joke was, I don't mind saying it. this is more ambiguous than Rachel Reeves plans the budget, which I think that's sort of fine, but he called her Rachel thieves. Oh, no. Oh, no. Whereas, like, the throwaway joke of the budget is fine, but thieves is like, oh, let's not have sides here. Can we just find out what my child needs to wear to school this week? Also, I do think whatever side of the political argument you're on, the moment you're coming up with a lame nickname for someone you've lost.

31:23Yeah, I just think it's Rachel Thieves. I was just like, it makes you want to vomit. Yeah, it's a bit like people are like, Liz Truss, the lettuce, you know, oh, fuck off. I know. Yeah, so either side, whatever side you want, it's just the, whereas if actually that works pretty well if you just go and be good at some Rachel Reeves' budget, it's like, oh yeah, because that is in the news. We can all enjoy it. We can all know that we don't know what's going to happen. Some of us might use it. Yeah. some of us might open the show with it in Coventry. So it sounds a bit like, Oh, I'm not sure about the pan, but it's a bold move.

31:57Can I ask you on this? At what point? And I think this is a difficult one. Are you saving a parent's number? Cause I don't want to be saving. Like I don't want to be so many numbers on my phone. I think play day or birthday parties is when you save it, but then you just sort of find it on the, on the group. But it is, it must be hard because I've never, you've done it i've never changed the kids schools right so it must be very difficult to go into a new whatsapp group and be like hi guys i'm this person and then knowing what the the the chat is or what the banter is or who's friends with who you have to sit back you have to sit back you're like a you're a batsman who's come out to bat and he just needs to bat out and over to feel the pitch just a hundred percent because no one's come out swinging no one's looking at the whatsapp figure and you know whatever their name is oh um jason's mum's not done any laughy smiley faces any of the messages yet exactly you know no one's waiting for it so you just don't have to i am still in rob the old whatsapp group from the previous school now that i think that's odd i've archived it yeah but why are you still there because i just i'm friends with the people there i thought it's too big a deal to just go goodbye oh huge deal absolutely huge deal to leave a whatsapp group that sends information about a school your kid's not in you weirdo i've now gone into the archive and i'm reading these messages that i haven't read about christmas cards day josh i don't even want to be in the one that my kid's in why are you in one that's a different school you're not very good at letting go are you you've got i'm not very good

33:36crying over chip I'm going to dig a hole for hamster through tears yeah you're not good at saying goodbye are you no why is that do you think because I hate time going through my fingers like sand are you sucking them in it's a cinnamon thing I've got a really sore throat I shout too much on stage and it's a problem and I've had if I do too many gigs in a row my throat is absolutely savage you're right okay no I just wondered because I could hear something clinking around in your mouth sorry it's fine I think it's better to reference it than just the listener my throat is in shreds so why are you so scared about saying goodbye let's talk about this well because I don't want to die no one wants to die do they no but obviously I feel it's stronger than you I think you'll be fine Well, no, you know, the dying's fine, but you just want other people to die.

34:34If you're dead, you're gone. I was having this discussion with Matthew Crosby on Friday that I'm not scared of nuclear war. Because if everyone dies, I'm fine with it. Yeah. It's the FOMO I don't like of everyone else carrying on without me. Right. Okay. If the world all blew up tomorrow. Yeah. so be it right okay i'm all right with that for some reason but you'd be you're not okay with leaving a whatsapp group from an old school no because you've made the effort to archive it where it would have been just as quick to go bye guys leave yeah but it's it's more of a statement isn't it to say bye and leave or just leave then well it'd be weird to leave now because and it shouldn't announce it on whatsapp when you leave i think that is a really weird feature well no it's just it's not real like so i don't i've got a whatsapp group about my tour and then when i was in australia they added the australian tour manager in and he was chipping in and out and then when i got back i just kicked him out the group yeah that's fine yeah is that okay yeah yeah but like so would it be better if someone kicked you out of the group no it's fine it's archived i can't even see it apart from occasionally when i think i wonder if they're still worrying about the uh the the lunches not being eaten enough by the kids oh i just don't have a minute Or do you wonder, oh, who's going to host the next quiz?

35:53Is it going to be better than me? That did come up. So hang on, if it's archived, why are you reading it? Because you just brought it up and I thought, oh, I wonder how many messages I've missed. I went and clicked on it. Oh, so you saw it just then? Yeah. Oh, that's convenient, isn't it? That you managed in that time to read the one about the quiz and you haven't been actually looking at them. It's because the one about the quiz was a picture of the quiz flyer. Right, okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah. Where else you got archived there? X relationships? Do you want me to take you through my archives?

36:19Cancel TV shows? no I don't archive them because no one no one posts in them also I haven't got enough memory

36:29I've got a stag do that I went to the first night of or not the second I thought it'd be so I just archived it when I left on the first night right the nursery from London okay the dad's book club from Clapton that I went to twice and then left oh yeah to be fair I do have loads of mad groups that I'm still in but I've archived where you just do that rather than leave. Yeah. I've blocked people. An old Glastonbury group, some kind of Halloween group. I've got a message here from someone I've blocked. It says, pathetic mate, I'm just going to use someone else now. Who's that? Commissioner of BBC, I think.

37:10I don't know. I think they, I think they might've had the wrong number and they're messaging like a builder or something. There's things ignoring them. Yeah. Fine. Yeah. Do write in. if you've got some good archived groups. Michael, what have you got?

37:24That's an archive I use. I'm sure Michael. Archive I mostly use for chats that I'm sort of ignoring. Yeah, because if you leave, it's more of a statement. So have you got archived? So I had a group, right? I've still got a group. Because I think you should be leaving the school one, but you should be archiving ones like the current school. So if you're the current school, you've got the information one, and there's a dad's meet up and drink one that you don't want to be involved in, you need to stay in that one to save face, but archive it so you don't get distracted. Whereas the old school one, you need to be leaving.

37:58Yes. Because it's weird that you're lurking. I don't mean to be leaving. It's weird that you're lurking. I think it's weird. If a kid likes my kid's school and the parents are still on the group, I'd find that's weird. That's lurking. Well, they can kick me out. They're more than welcome to. They're more than welcome to. Okay. Yeah. Now, if they actually heard this and did, you'd be upset. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't know because it's archived. you'll check next week oh definitely will now after this chat sorry michael what was you saying i use it for stuff that i don't want to address immediately so for instance oh my word there's a five-a-side whatsapp group and people are seeing who's available to play if i know i'm not playing that week yeah i'll just pop that into the archive otherwise it's getting pumped full of messages all day long you're bringing them in and out of an archive because for me archive there's no coming back from archive for me so you're using it as a squad rotation system michael yeah yeah and also i have read receipts turned off because i don't know people know my business yeah but if you're in a group you can't do that so what i don't want is someone who i'm ignoring replying on a solo one me accidentally so complicated accidentally opening a group that he's in and they go well he's double ticked that one he's not got back to me the prick so i'll sort of for the safety of not the accidental click do you know what here's the thing the worst is when you text someone and they don't reply to you and you can see they're active in a whatsapp group and then by messaging in a whatsapp group that makes me so angry i can see you're on your phone do you ever say that in the group no no bit bottle it up i think your new resolution should be just calling people out when you feel the anger just call them on it okay yeah fine i will would that cause you stress or would you find that liberating uh both okay that's true progress isn't it that is true progress that's what david bowie said about you know in it about creativity you want to be out somewhere where you're in the sea but your feet don't quite touch the bottom but you're not too deep you're not too shallow exactly exactly um and that's what i want to see more from you next year okay okay well that's good i've got you want do you want to know maybe i'll try and do that a bit more oh god um i'm just looking for my notes you ready for this go on i've got some more parenting oh please we've got you've had none it's basically about my bollocks chips bollocks and are you what's that bollocks yeah do you know what that's an old one i don't remember what those notes are oh yeah i wanted to ask you about this rob it's not parenting is that a problem no it's fine we can only talk about what we can talk about josh we're just at a busy period yeah wedgies at school okay I wanted to ask if this is a national thing or if it was just my school.

40:34Go on. Because I remembered it and then I thought, I wonder if other people did that. So we had two levels of wedgie. Okay. Did you used to do wedgies? It's on the pants topic, actually. Not really. No, not like sort of Bart Simpson, Eat White Shorts Man kind of wedgie vibes. It was more just you'd beat some, the people just get beaten up. So there was, right, there was a trend for wedgies in school. No, we do peanutting. What's peanutting? Where you pull their tie really tight. Oh, yeah. Right on their neck. And then it goes to a tiny little peanut. Yeah, that's so annoying, isn't it? Yeah, that happened a lot.

41:07Yeah, that happened a lot. So you, I wanted to know whether atomic wedgies had left my school. Is that when they pull your pants over your head? No, it's where people put coins down people's pants and then give them a wedgie. No, that is, that's sexual assault. It basically is. and then occasionally hang them on a door while giving them an atomic wedgie oh no that's quite hard that yeah yeah so i just i just thought i've never heard of the i thought atomic wedgie was when you pulled it over over the head like and you put it over the yeah no shoulders i didn't see many of them i saw a man a man a boy at school set a girl's hair on fire in a lunch game i saw someone be put in a bin and he got stuck and only his legs were out i've seen someone put That was so humiliating.

41:53Look at that little turtle. Yeah. I saw someone being put in a bin and rolled down a hill. It's awful, isn't it? It's really funny, isn't it? If you sort of, you know, completely remove yourself from the psychological abuse that probably was receiving. Just close off all emotions. Yeah, yeah. And then put them on a hamster 30 years later. That's fine. Yeah. So, no, I've never heard that anatomic wedgie. Oh, we are asking parents for our ice skating party to help get boots on. Lou voice memos me to thank me for this. Yes, well, she used to thank me, actually. I messaged it back to her from you.

42:30Well, do you want to hear the voice memo? Yeah, she shaved my back the other day, thank God. She shaved your back. Did we not get any people giving it off to wax it? Josh, I haven't got time. They'll talk a good game. They cannot remove this for hair. The waxers, not the lasers, the waxers. I'm not getting it waxed. I'd have it lazed or I'm not going somewhere to have it waxed every couple of weeks. I'll come to you. No, I don't want someone in my house warming up hot wax to rub it all over my back and rip it off. That's some sort of sex, man. I'll just get my wife to shear you in the garden. Just shear me in the garden like a little sheep.

43:09Is it just the back? It's not the front as well? The front gets hairy. That needs a bit of work as well, but I can do that. But then I can't do, I struggle when it's like above the nipple. Okay, yeah. Because I can't see. so she'll do that top bit and shoulders in the back. Oh, my God. I know, it's horrible. It's disgusting, but that's what I am. Were you married before it started?

43:30I had a bit of back hair, but obviously it's really pumped along in the last 10. Yeah, yeah, of course. Big time. Fair enough. Yeah. You've got the voice, Emma. What did she say? She's done so much solo pair, hasn't she? Afternoon. I just wanted to send a quick preemptive thank you for the ice skating tips because I don't know what kind of crack I was on that day, but it hadn't occurred to me to try and get 18 children's ice skating boots on was going to make me want to gouge my own eyes out. So I'm going to message all the parents and ask them to stay, at least until they've got their boots on, and then throw in the offer of teas and coffees for anyone that wants to stand on the edge.

44:19or, you know, maybe mystery prizes for any adults I can coerce onto the ice. Here we go. Before you know it, you've got 18 adults on the ice. I wasn't thinking. That's the answer, isn't it? But, yeah, I think we're going to be all right with the penguins, though, because it's a temporary ice rink. Yeah. 15-year-olds who don't care. Fair enough. They're going to wing out penguins with abandon, she says. Quite a loose penguin policy. Yes, thank you for that. Really, really, really useful. That's the first time I've ever done anything useful. Rob, that's the first time I've ever done anything useful.

44:50Yeah, and that was brilliant. So thank you. You're going to make a young girl's birthday even better. Yeah. Well, how many parents do you think will stay? To be fair, I think they'll come and help get the boots on and then go off. Yeah. Because there's places to go shopping and get a drink. So it's quite a good little, it's not a bad little. As birthday parties go, the setup of it is pretty good for a parent to drop off. There's places to go and hang out or they can stay and watch or they can do some shopping. just before Christmas, yes please, back home by midday, Bosch. Right now, get up to 15 % off Select Storage Solutions.

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46:54How's your Christmas shopping going? Oh, that's not even entered my brain. Right. Okay. Lou's taking the lead. Yeah. Doing basically all of it. What you buying Lou. without saying it have you thought about it well we're not going to do proper presents because we're going to have a holiday so that's going to be our holiday the present to each other rather than just like buying a load of stuff we're not really sure each other's like so we're going to have a holiday next year that's going to be our sort of um present that's your present but we did say we're going to get one present each for each other yeah i do have an idea of what it is but if i tell you she'll hear yeah yeah how do we do this don't tell me i try to tell you and we'll And then you react.

47:39It's the longest bleep ever. I thought it was going to be like... It's not my fault. Vibrators these days have got really long names. So, beep this out, Michael. I mean, I don't know if this is good podcasting or not. But I think she might like that. And what does it do? It just sort of... Oh, you can't say. Well, yeah. I quite fancy that myself. I might buy one now, Rob. Yeah, so I think she'll like that. I think it's a good thing to get. Yeah, that is good. That is good. Are you going to get the double-ended one or just a...

48:17I think that it's self-lubes is a genuine step forward. Absolutely, yeah. And what about you? Have you done yours? Have you got yours sorted off? I've sent to Rose what I'd like. Okay. Just some small things. Yes, like clothes. Wellies. Shoes. Oh, wellies. You want wellies? I want wellies. Really? Country size by now. Yeah. What kind of wellies do you want? I quite want walking boots. They're not wellies. No, I know this was a separate thing. Oh, okay, cool. So, like, do you want some advice from a country boy? Yeah. Yeah, you must have some wellies. Yeah, so I got, I used to just have the cheap ones, you know, like the cheap ones at the front of a garden centre.

48:55Yeah, yeah. Then I did. Then you got some with some little frog's eyes on the front. um i because there's hunters are like the sort of ones that are a bit more famous like festivals weren't they yeah yeah they're a bit voguing for my taste so i've got these i think you'll like these they're a little bit sort of um have you got fur inside no that i haven't but i would have them if they did them you might be as though but i got these free when i did a robin rommish shoot we needed big like posh wellies for some we were doing clay pigeon shooting and it's le chameau and they're like fancy and they're like expensive very expensive but nice posh wellies le chameau le chameau i think they're french but they are really comfy because sometimes wellies can be all sweaty and horrible but oh look at them yeah how often do you wear your wellies rob um in the winter um quite a lot actually if i'm just going out and yeah and doing the bins but i'm more wear the walking boots to be fair if i'm going for a long walk yeah yeah wellies are good if you're going in the garden or whatever but for a long walk i'd get some maybe some hokers they're pretty good h-o-k-a the problem i get with asking for something for christmas that i need is i'm essentially saying this thing i could just that i should just buy because i need wellies yeah i mean it's basically saying well i won't have that for december well that's the thing that's the reason why we don't really sort of do presents anymore I don't know it's just like well it's like it's a middle-aged thing isn't it yeah it's just like am I just thinking of something that I don't really need I don't quite need because the main the truth is the main thing we need at this age is a bit of time on our own exactly or a bit of just chill out you can't unwrap that can you can't bloody unwrap time you can't bloody unwrap time can you tell Chip oh my god sorry sorry to bring you down again can we dedicate the episode to him Michael

50:51in love it how do you dedicate an episode in you can't have a kind of them because normally you need it all black and white and silent and says in memory of yeah minutes maybe we could have the last post this episode is in memory of chip the hamster who lived from 2003 2023 to 2021. Currently still in the freezer.

51:28What's that used for in the last post? It's like on Remembrance Day, isn't it? Yes, on the horn. Got you. Yeah, well, that's a chip, everyone. Yeah, I should have faded that out, really. It was quite an abrupt stop. I liked it. Right, do you want to do some small business? Yeah. Yeah. hi Josh I'm really hoping this reaches you it did oh you've got I've got an in-person one I've got an in-person one by the way someone made me a lovely hoodie with their Plymouth Argyle shirts embroidered on the front and you'd already got one from them with Arsenal shirts maybe or something yeah a little jumper yeah yeah and they in Stockton in Stockton they said what an amazing loads of people have bought stuff off the back of the small business.

52:16So thank you to our listeners for continuing to support these people. Yeah, well done, guys. Because it doesn't work unless you guys all buy something or order it. So well done. I've handmade a couple of Christmas crowns for your two kiddos. They're great, these Christmas crowns. So they're like nice kind of, not knitted, like sewn and stuffed crowns for Christmas. I thought you might like the chance of getting a sneaky small biz shout out by bypassing Michael. Sorry, Michael. Do you get angry when that happens, Michael? Like if someone contacts me and I have to tell my agent? No, not at all. He couldn't give a shit, mate.

52:51He's sat there in Tom Ford pants in New York living the life of Riley. I'm going to do slightly less. My biz is Cornish Homemade. That's the name of it, one word. And it all started as a way of therapeutic relief when my dad was very ill with cancer in 2016. It's been a labor of love, but I make free motion embroidered decorations pictures and celebration crowns. I would be so thrilled if you could give my biz a little mention, but no worries if not. Too late. I really hope your kiddos love the crowns, and you and your family have a blessed Christmas. Love from Lucy Leach, cornishhomemade.etsy.com.

53:30Nice. Cornishhomemade.etsy.com. They're lovely crowns in lovely colors. Homemade, Cornishhomemade at etsy.com. Right, I've got one here. Hi, Rob, Josh, and Michael. I'd like to give a small business shout out to my very talented friend, Sarah. She runs a business called Framelings that makes amazing keepsakes. She uses polymer clay. Is that right? Polymer? Yeah, I think it is. I think it is. P-O-L-Y-M-E-R. Polymer clay. Polymer is his wife, isn't it? Polymer. Polymer clay to make little heads that look like your loved ones, family, friends, pets, you name it. She makes it. You can turn the little heads into frames, key rings, wine charms, cake toppers, anything you can think of.

54:18She's so talented and I'm so proud of her. Check out her Instagram on Framelings. That's F-R-A-M-E-L-I-N-G-S. And find her on Etsy as Framelings. Thank you very much. Susie from Starrington, West Sussex. Let's have a look at Framelings. Oh, they're cool, aren't they? They look a bit like cartoon characters of your family. Oh, here we go. So you can do a whole picture of the family in a little frame. Oh, really nice. Two great small businesses. Go out and support them. Rob, I'll see you. She could do one for Chip.

54:57Rob, it's been a pleasure. I loved it. See you next week. This is dedicated to Chip the Hamster He passed away this week With a giant bollock He's soon to be buried He's currently lying next to Fish Fingers He's lying in state at the moment That's what they call it Everyone queuing up Pairing Hell fans queuing up to see him I couldn't believe I wondered why Philip Schofield was in my kitchen I can't believe