S11 EP31: Rob does some bad parenting

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1:33Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe. Welcome to Parenting Hill, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing.

2:07Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Alison, can you say Rob Beckett? Jump Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Jump Beckett. Jump Beckett. There you go. Emerson. I couldn't really hear that, but I don't know if that's... There's a real ruffle at the start, isn't there? Emerson. Emerson, can you see... Where does she keep Emerson? In her front pocket? Do you remember the football player Emerson, Rob? Yes, I do. He was playing in Middlesbrough. He had this sort of curly black sort of shiny hair and he used to do a celebration where he'd put one foot behind his calf and spin. And I used to think, that is so cool.

2:51And I tried to do it when I played football. That is cool. Didn't he go AWOL? Who's that? He went AWOL. He was one of those players that just ran off. Well, look, no offence to Middlesbrough, but if you're from Brazil and you're in Middlesbrough in January, it's a tough place. I'm from South London and I struggle to gig in Middlesbrough in January. Imagine trying to play football and do your little celebration. Where's he getting his hair cut? Well, he's not, Rob. It's like it's so curly and long. Dear Rob, Josh and Michael, I think I might win the prize for the longest gap between recording and sending an intro.

3:23As this recorded when my son Emerson was two years and eight months old, and he is now, drumroll, five years and eight months. That's right, it's taken me three years. Wow. I think at the time I had intended to do it again and tried to get a better performance out of him, but hey, I have three kids and a full-time job, so I never got around to it, and this is the best we got. It was cute to listen back all those years later. Keep up the good work. Anna-Marie in Cardiff, originally from Surrey and grew up in Amsterdam, so don't you'll guess the accent we didn't bother. Emerson, so unless her partner has got some sort of like South American heritage, Emerson's a wild name.

4:00Emerson Fittipaldi, who's that? Who? Who's that? Emerson. He sounded like, you know when they regenerate players on Championship Manager or FIFA when you've played it too long? Fittipaldi. They put stuff together like Cristiano Rooney. He was a racing driver from the 70s. Why is that name in my head? They love a bit of racing in South America, don't they? Is he South American? Yeah. his nose is something else. If you brought up a racing car driver, now you're sort of giving him grief about the size of his nose. Rob, look at his nose. How big is it? Should I put my head out the window? So I don't know what's happened to his nose.

4:35Brazilian guy. And now I'm worried he's had a crash. Okay, yeah. I can see what... Now I feel bad. I can see what you're saying. As a younger driver, his nose looks completely different to what it does now. So I imagine maybe he's had some sort of accident. but does your nose grow as you get older? Well, if he's lied. No, because ears grow, don't they? Because his nose looks completely different as a young man. We'll get on with the show. Yeah. Michael, could you look into whether Emerson fit a powdery? What happened to his nose? Yeah, because I think it's just grown. I don't think there's been an accident.

5:09Come on, chat, GPT. He did have a crash in 1973 while he was lucky to not have been injured in that particular incident. He was involved in a high-speed crash in 96 resulted in a fractured vertebrae and part of the collapsed lung. In his nose. Are you suggesting he's got a vertebrae in his nose? This seems mean. I know. Is he alive? Oh, God. Poor old Emerson Fittipaldi. Oh, look, he was a friend of George Harrison. He was with him just before he died. No, he's still alive, I think. He's 78. According to ChatGPT, no. Well, according to Wikipedia, now who do you believe? He's got seven children, though.

5:44Get him on. Absolutely. Including Emerson Jr. Poor old Emerson Fittipaldi's woken up in Sao Paolo at 78. He's flicked on his favourite podcast, Parent in Hell, with Rob Beckett and Josh Whittaker. And all of a sudden, he's getting absolute pelters for his looks, which is really, really 1993 of you. Which is really bad. It's a bit old school, isn't it? It's not my kind of humour usually. And we're not being funny about it. No, no, no. But in your defence, you didn't turn up with loads of jokes on Emerson Fittipaldi's looks. No, no, I just Googled him. The difference between his nose as a young man and an old man is startling.

6:23And I think that's fine to say out loud and not comment any further. Look at those different pictures. What's interesting, it's got longer and lower. I've never seen anything like it. The difference, it's like it's not him. Yeah, it looks a bit like a spitting image puppet of him. I didn't know anyone whose nose is completely transformed without work. So I've done some digging. On both sides. Yeah. I can't find any record. Of the nose. I can't find any record or history of any kind of accident or surgery, but I've got some detail on what happens to the nose over time, which I think if you look at his face in no shape, it kind of explains what's happened.

7:02I'm not about to learn that people's noses completely transform. I've seen people grow old before. Michael's got medical evidence. We don't, you know, we're not sick of scientists on this pod. Go ahead. He's our expert. The rest is science. We're coming for you. Anna Fry and the other one. Firstly, I am not saying this is medical evidence. I am. I'm just regurgitating an AI overview. Okay. So a person's nose doesn't grow large with age, but it can appear to because of changes in the cartilage, skin, and supporting structures. So key factors, gravity. Over time, gravity pulls the nose soft tissues downwards, causing the tip.

7:38Where has he been living? Mercury? Causing the tip to droop and the nose to lengthen. Now, I'd argue if you look at the young pictures of him, he does have a sort of slightly more pronounced tip to his nose. Yes. Even as a young man. Do you think? Yeah. I think we're looking at a heavy tip that's been dragged down by gravity over the years. I'm sorry, but unless he spent his whole time on a roller coaster at huge G-forces.

8:05But he's been in a Formula One car. Yeah, to be fair, that is true. There is a lot of G-force there. and has he been driving backwards by any shots? Or upside down? The weakening cartilage, the cartilage that supports the nose, loses strength and elasticity with age, leading to a wider, more bulbous tip. So I think he's just an unfortunate combination of his occupation plus his natural nose size has led to this freakish visage in later years. Michael, we've really tiptoed around the edges of this fucking horrendous schnoz, Miguel. Because I'd say, as a younger man, he is a good-looking bloke. Oh, absolutely, yeah.

8:47And then says... No, but I'd say as an older man, he's not... A woman in Brazil going, this is not what I signed up for. It's just very different, isn't it, from when you look at it? Would you do a deal on being incredibly good-looking from 15 to 35, but then it all descending badly? Sorry, what was that again? What was your question? because I'm just really fucking knee deep in cartilage of nose and G-force. Also, famously in the 70s, they did do a Hot Wheels loop-the-loop on a Formula One concert. Did he do that? No, I'm joking. What was the options? Of course, they need to fucking loop-the-loop in real life.

9:24Surely you can do a loop-the-loop in real life, can't you? Not in an F1. Not in an F1 car, no. You can in a normal car, can't you? Yes, you can, yeah. Would you do this deal? Go on. At the start of your life, right you are going to be incredibly good looking from 15 to 35 the key years yeah okay but then it's all going to go wrong and you're going to be by the age of 60 you're going to be quite really ugly i'm going to say no deal on that okay i'm going to tell you why and also sort of pat myself on back for taking the deal of me just at 40 turning into a pure sexy hunky funky chap that wasn't the other offer the other offer is five out of ten the whole way i'm flipping that i'm doing it the other way i'm coming in heavy in my 60s that's what i'm saying okay no so the reason i wouldn't do that is because i've seen it happen in real life where people get that the good-looking kid at school or girl at school that then is super popular with the other sex growing up and sometimes that leads to no personality being invented yes because you don't need to because everyone laughs at your jokes and everyone's on board and then as you drop off they become very um insecure because no one's giving them the attention or looking at them anymore.

10:34So I think being very attractive is almost like being slightly famous. Yeah. Everyone wants to be kind to you. Everyone wants to be polite to you. People stop you in the street and say hello and try and chat you up or give you better service because they're attracted to you. Yeah. But then it's almost like being cancelled when the old cartilage drops, you know, as we've spoken about. So I think their head goes later in life. With the good-looking people at school, i'd say generally as a rule those people don't hold up do they no i think if you peak at secondary school with sort of also sometimes sort of like the popular kid at school this is what my opinion of it if you're super successful at school in like sport or academia or popularity sometimes i think what happens then is you're too scared to make any changes to who you are because you think well no this is what everyone loves me for but then as you become 30 and you're still doing things that were cool when you were 16 you've got to evolve and move with the times but they're scared because they think this works for me there's that episode of friends isn't there there's that episode of friends where monica goes out with the guy that was the coolest at school and he's basically still exactly the same guy yeah and that's what happens you see him and they're like no one's coming out anymore when we go into this party like no one's been to that pub for 12 years mate yeah you know you live with your mum and she gets you from bon bonnies exactly bonnies was a club and your nose is dropping like a fucking stage you've got to move on from the nose this poor guy anyway thanks for listening for pouty fit to pouty yeah fit to pouty we would take you in you want to formula one world championships i hate formula one so much do you hate it it's my least liked sport possibly horse racing i find dreary as well i don't really hate anything unless people like i find formula one fans sort of keep it themselves a bit yeah i don't hate it in the way that I'm like in your face with it that's the wrong thing to say I'm not like annoyed like it doesn't get in my grill but cycling competitions annoy me when they shut roads and there's no one watching I always think I quite fancy being a fan of the Tour de France oh god no I just think pound for pound you have to shut so many roads for no one to enjoy it yeah but it's in France it doesn't make any difference the only people watching the bikes go past are people stuck in traffic they've got out of their car to work out what's happening.

12:54I love it. I love it. Really? I love the romance of the King of the Mountains. The King of the Mountains? The King of the Mountains is a bloke on the motorbike filming it. Anyway. I quite like Bradley Wiggins. I'd take him on. Anyway, sorry. I've done some bad parenting. Do you want me to, we're going to do some correspondence, but I've got some parenting. Yeah. It's really bad, actually. I'm laughing, but it's really horrendous. So I've got these World Life Photographer of the Year books, which I really like. Have you seen these books? You know, they have the exhibition every year. When you and Romesh had a go.

13:23Yeah, we actually did it for Rob and Romesh, which is on Sky, on demand now at the moment. Anyway, I've got a few of these books. My daughter loves animals. She's obsessed with animals. On her birthday or Christmas list, she always put animal facts books, or she always puts all animals in the world to be safe and cared for, you know, like that. That's a big ask. Big ask, isn't it? You know, anyway, but she's well into animals. And anyway, so she loves these books. She's been reading these, like looking at these picture books at night of all the photography. Anyway, I heard her crying upstairs.

13:52Oh, no. She come in with a book. I didn't know this, and I've got beef with the wildlife photographer of the yearbook. At the end, they've got a whole section of photos of, like, the impact of humans on animals. Right, yeah. So there's horrendous photos of, like, animals trapped in nets. Well, there's a few sort of easy ones, which is like a seahorse that's got his tail wrapped around a cotton bud, where it's like, that is bad, right? Great, good to see. and there's like a turtle trapped in a net and you're like okay that's not nice to see but get it just an elephant being hacked with a machete as they hold up its bloody tusk oh my fucking god and the worst one that win the animal photograph of the year i don't know i think there might be a section for um guilt ones to do with conservation yeah and then the next one which my daughter saw and basically couldn't sleep last night i had to sleep with her all night was the decapitated head of a gorilla in a bowl next to a banana.

14:48Jesus fucking Christ. And she's seven and seen this. Oh, my God. I didn't know it was in there. So, like, honestly, Josh, it was like watching a horrendous video, you know, on, like, X or Twitter. You'd like to flip through and it's, like, horrendous. Because I feel like it needs to have a bit of a... It's good to know that you've never got to the end of the book, though.

15:11well i think i had but i really realized that it was in there i'd forgot it was in there you know i do read books including picture ones but yeah like i do think it needs to say if you are i know it's an educational book it's not for kids but jesus christ mate you want to get kids into it like did she show you or were you like well no she was like the horrible pictures of the dead animals a dead animal and got all upset she's basically burst into tears but like she looked like she'd seen a horror film and it was like this picture's horrific oh my god did she mention it this morning no she didn't and then i got i found her a lego minifigures book that she looked at which to be fair i had quite a lot of decapitated heads but slightly different line yeah so that was awful are you looking for support in your weight management journey ZepBound Terzepatide may be able to help.

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17:48slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome. Columbia. Engineered for whatever.

17:56Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla? Smooth caramel, maybe. Or a white chocolate mocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. Where do you sleep when you sleep in her room? So, when she's really upset, she's much better now but i used to lay in bed with her but actually landing a bit of it you're in the way you're making noise like so what i do now is i go look if you're a bit upset in the room i'll stay with i would say my back hurts a bit so can i like allow on the floor because it helps it on the hard floor with a pillow she's like yeah okay so like she's not in the room alone yeah and then when she falls asleep i get up and leave the thing so that's fine but then in the night she came in she had a bit of a nightmare so at the moment we're not having to sleep with her all night we're having to lay in the bed with her where before was having to like cuddle her to sleep which doesn't happen anymore yeah but in the night she'd come in and lou had to be up early to do her audio book for a book oh yeah lessons from a default parent pre-order now or it might be out don't i no it's not february so i got in bed with her then i'm laying in bed with her and then it's really hard to like sleep probably so we both went to sleep and then i woke up and you're not sleeping probably so i'm like my back hurts i'm tired so i said to her this morning i went oh when we come in bed with you you know once we're both asleep if mummy or daddy wake up before the morning do you want us to stay with you or go back to our room because one of we both woke up this morning she's like dad can you get out of bed you can get out of bed because one doesn't want a dad in a bed really and two like it's uncomfortable so she was like yeah yeah if you you know once i'm asleep if you wake up go back in if you want so it's sort of slow progress but yeah but she's been absolutely fine since that book that is so oh no we've done so well to get a light night having nightmares Oh, gosh.

19:39And then I asked, this is weird, I asked the kids, I asked the youngest where she wants to go on holiday, because I was like, where do you want to go? Is there any countries you want to go to or anything you want to do or see, just to get an idea of what they're, you know, rather than me and Lou sort of leading the charge all the time. And she went, I want to go to Switzerland. I was like, all right, why do you want to go to Switzerland? She went, I want to see a leprechaun. Tax reasons. No, tax. She went, I want to see a leprechaun. Well, two problems there. One, they don't exist. And two, if they did exist, definitely Ireland.

20:07Yeah. So, yeah, so they want to go to Switzerland and see a Leprechaun, but I don't know why. I keep saying, why do you want to go to Switzerland? She's like, yeah, I don't know what she's seen. Skiing? I don't know. Rob, can I be honest? We've booked a skiing holiday. This is exciting. I want to do it. We've just not had time because of Lou's book launch and my tour and stuff like that. We're just thinking about going, not this winter coming, next winter. Yeah. That's the problem with skiing, isn't it? You've got to go in the winter. Because Rose can ski, but all of us, the other three, are being shoved in ski school.

20:39Right. I think you're going to love it. I think this is great. I'm dreading ski school. What have you booked? Have you booked like a package? I don't know, Rob. Rose is all like. Holidays is where I just dap out because it's better. Old school, 70s dad. Rose loves searching for holidays. That's her thing, yeah. And talking about holidays. And I'm absolutely, I hate it. You wouldn't go on holiday, I don't think, if it was up to you. I think you would just find chill stuff to do at your house. I like my life. I don't need to. I know I would go on holiday, but actually I wouldn't get round to it.

21:14I don't think you'd go. I think you'd just go, whatever, I'll just, you know, crack on. So where are you going? The Dolomites? Is that a place? I've got no idea. They sound like a band from the 80s. We're going to the Dolomites, Rob. Where's the Dolomites? Fuck knows. But I am nervous about it. because Rose used to always try and sell it to me. Oh, my God, it looks incredible. Oh, yeah, it's supposed to be amazing. I mean, it looks great. It does look amazing. The problem with skiing is if you go somewhere fancy, you will be surrounded by absolute punishers. Absolute, yeah. Pure twonks. I don't want to go to ski school and have to talk to other grown-ups about learning to ski.

21:53Well, I'm sure you could get private lessons. I would suggest getting private lessons, one, because you're not going to have to talk to people about the last leg or what Jimmy Carr's like. Two, they can focus on you and you'll make better progress. Yeah. I would do it away from Rose. Well, she doesn't want to do that. She doesn't need to learn. Yeah, so let her go off. So this is what I've been told. You want to go to somewhere that is a hotel or resort that's on the mountain, because the worst part of it is, Josh, is getting on the... I think you're going to hate it, personally. The amount of admin of getting dressed.

22:23And because your youngest is what, four, five? He will still be four, basically five. The issue there is, Josh, you're going to have to carry everyone's skis. Well, I'm all right with that. That's the least of my problems. No, it ain't. I can't ski. That's my main issue. Look, the skiing actually isn't too bad, because once you get up there and you get taught a bit, it's quite good fun, right? You just go down, up, down, up, and it's quite good fun. The issue is... I don't like the idea of a ski lift. They scare me. You're in trouble. What about gondolas? You're on gondolas? You know, the glass box ones?

22:52No, gondolas are the boats in Venice. No, I think they're called gondolas as well. Who are they? I know that you're definitely right on that. Has anyone been more less informed? We are out of our debt. I've completely lost confidence in gondolas. I think someone might have made it up and made me laugh. Gondola lift. Yeah. A gondola lift is a type of cable transfer. I'll just get on the ski lift. It's fine. Didn't you almost die in a gondola? No, so there's different types. Basically, when you're going up mountains, they have them. You know what those things in English seaside, you'll know this, that go up and down?

23:25Yeah, like cliff, up and down the cliff. Yeah, so you have big ones like that. Then you get other ones that get about six people in. And then you get these metal chairs that have a little lap bar. Yeah, yeah, they're the ones that scare me. And they are high pressure because you have to ski off them with your skis on. What? So those ones... No. No, because people are holding their skis on them. No, no, no, no. Not on the metal chairs that go up and down. Oh, fuck that, sideways. And even people that ski struggle. Can I just, like, stay in the lodge or whatever it's called? That's not really what the point of skiing is.

23:57No, but I could just enjoy the snow. Do they do sledging? You can do sledging and stuff like that. You look like a tosser if you're sledging, won't you? No, but you can't sledge on the ski. That'd be a separate place. Right, that's quite embarrassing. I can't believe you've never seen a ski lift before. I've seen a ski lift. I'll show you a little video for you. Plymouth had a dry ski slope when I was a kid, Rob. Yeah. Have you ever been on a dry ski slope? It was basically bristles. Yeah, I've seen them. So would there be a ski lift for that? No, because you... So I never got to the point... We went for a couple of lessons.

24:29I never got to the slope where you'd ski lift. The way we'd have to go up the hill... Yeah. Fucking hell. You basically... It's all bristly, and you'd keep your skis on. Yeah. And you'd sidestep up the hill like this. Okay. Joshua just stood up with his Blink 182 outfit on. Yep. That's sideways stepping. So you'd have to go all the way up like that. like that. You won't be doing that for the big slopes because it will be a mountain. No, I won't be doing that up the Dolomites. I'm not going to be sidestepping up a Dolomite. My advice would be just get as many lessons as you can and don't be dragged onto more difficult slopes until you're ready because that's when you won't enjoy yourself.

25:11I'm not going on a black run. No, exactly. So just stay on blues or green, like the lowest one the whole week. One worry I don't have is that I'll get overconfident and I'll go for it. That's not really in my DNA. You cut me and I bleed that. You've done those skiing gigs. I've skied a few times. I'm okay skiing now. But if I went down and had one lesson, I could go down fine. So our plan is to do it with the girls next year. They'll be 11 and 9. Whereas I've always wanted to go when the girls are older so I can say, you've got to carry skis. You've really got a thing in your head about this ski carrying, haven't you?

25:45Josh, how much do kids moan when it's cold and you're walking through the park? Yeah. Right, now stick them on top of a fucking mountain. I've been to the park since I left London. It's fucking brilliant. And they're going, my goggles don't fit. You know, I see a lot of kids crying on mountains. So... Sorry, how often are you on a mountain? Well, I've done two ski gigs. Yeah. I was up in San Maritz filming with Romesh for the Winter Olympics one and I saw loads then. Oh. I just think when they're really little, it is hard graft, basically. Yeah, it's hard graft. But I think if you put them in the ski school, they'll teach them and they'll have a good time.