S11 EP35: Lindsey Santoro

23:15I thought you were in the nurse. No, the nurse had pooed. Oh, well. Lynn, I wouldn't mind if you did. You were so good. I'd let you. We had that where the baby does the poo and it's called. I can't remember what it's called. Yeah, but that's what happened with my daughter. So it's a bit of a risk. Like the paediatric doctor comes in to check the baby in case they've swallowed any of it and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it's a bit stressful at the birth, isn't it? because they take the baby away from you to check it all first. Oh, she hadn't come out yet. They broke the water poo everywhere.

23:42I was like, oh, Lord. So then they started the dripping juicing. Dripping juicing? And then I took too much. I don't know. The canyre? I listened to all this positive birth stuff, and it's just like, what a load of shit.

23:59Anyway, then what happened? I did the pipe, the castaner. Josh is so disturbed I'm just excited about where this is going to end How long was the birth? They burst the waters, a load of shit came out Then they put a thing in your arm So that all started at about midnight Then I started having contractions Then I was under gas and air Then I took so much gas and air That I stopped breathing

24:31Because they just gave me free reign of the pipe and I used to smoke so I was like this is great because I haven't like had a cigarette took so much that when I came round there were about nine people and all the alarms going off my husband's crying because he thinks I'm dead I've just been unconscious having a lovely dream that was stressful not for you no I was off my nut what's the the epidural didn't epidural that was one of them it's like interviewing a DJ about the 90s it was bad Anyway, long story short, I ended up with an emergency C-section because I did it again with a gas and air, and they thought there was something wrong with me, but it was just me playing the stuff.

25:12You gave birth in the Groucho with Take That nearby. And it was just because you were half-fitting, basically. So you was completely out of your head on gas and air. You don't really know what happened. Yeah, and they wheeled me off for an emergency C-section. Oh, God, so it didn't even go, oh, right, Jesus. No, all that, what a waste of money. And I kept saying before I even started, can I not have a C-section? They went, you medically don't need one. I said, I'll find a way to make it happen.

25:36oh jesus so hours after that that must have been quite a traumatic event then like oh when the baby came like and you've got the baby at home having to recover from all of that the c-section and then have this new baby in your arms i wasn't really prepared for how much you can't move your stomach because your muscles are essentially in half aren't they so you can't so i had to tie a dressing gown rope to the bottom of the bed frame and like pull myself up like indiana jones every time I wanted to get out of bed. Worst was when I was trying to breastfeed her and I was like, I thought it looked really beautiful.

26:12I was like, James David was like, take a photo. And he was like, you don't want a photo. I was like, I do. I'll have to find it and send it to you. Obviously crop out my tip, but I look at absolute, in my head I was like this beautiful goddess breastfeeding my daughter, just give her birth. but I look like a bin man. I look actually. Did you have, and tell me if this is too far, we've discussed this with Ellie Taylor because my wife had an emergency C-section and then all the stuff they put you on, it basically gives you the worst constipation in history. Yeah, but they also gave me codeine as well.

26:52So when I stopped taking the codeine, it was like the cork went. I remember sitting on, I must have been on a solid hour. It's like a fountain. Oh, just coming out of you? Yeah, like it just released. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. Got Dave to take a photo. A friend of mine, he had last year like a brain tumour thing. He's fully recovered now. He's all good. But they had to keep watching him. He went in a couple of times because it's all like the pressure in your head and stuff like that. Anyway, he was on the toilet in the middle of the night and just like fainted and fell off the thing.

27:23And like his wife rung the ambulance, was really scared. The paramedics came and they thought, oh, my God, the operation's not worked on the tumour. and they got him to the hospital, run a test, and he just was constipated and tried so hard to go to the toilet, he blacked out.

27:42But they thought it was it. I called an ambulance once because I thought I was having a heart attack, but I'd never had indigestion before. How? You're dipping chips in camembert. You're a super spreader of indigestion. I had some digestion and they came and put like the ECG stuff on me. I was lying in bed and they were like, have you had some Gaviscon? I was like, what? What a waste, what a waste. You might want some Gaviscon actually, that might help. Yeah, and obviously because they thought I was having a heart attack. They came within about 10 minutes. I was like, have something dry. Oh dear.

28:21Were they annoyed? No, because my friends are paramedic and they're like, it's better to go to something. Your friend's a paramedic. You work at the NHS, but you rung an ambulance for indigestion. Yeah, well, it's scary when you've not had indigestion before. You know there's a theory of osmosis of where you are, you just subconsciously soak in information. I don't think that works for you, does it? I don't really know how I'm alive, I'll be honest with you. There's a lot of things. That birth is quite traumatic, but for me I was like, well, this is just life, isn't it, and what happens, happens.

28:53Now your daughter's at school, you've got a load more time to yourself, and is it giving you a bit of a second wind? because you're at the right exciting sort of opportunities part of your career now where you've gone full time. You've got a dad behind the eyes like me and Rob. Well, you've got that momentum now. You've quit your job. You've been on Live at the Apollo. You've got a brilliant agent. You've got a brilliant team backing you. And you're sort of like, it's sort of full steam ahead now. Like, is it her going to school come at the right time, do you think, for you to push on with your career and stuff?

29:18I'm just napping a lot now. Really enjoying napping.

29:26Well what's the plan for Lindsay the comedian, Lindsay the mum going forward? What's the plan of action? Well I've just had my guttering done so the next step is to get the roof done and then we'll see what happens after that. It just needs a bit of money. I don't get booked for corporates because I'm too rude. You will, you just tweak it and then once you do enough you can slip in a few swimmers. I always find it odd because I've done some of Josh's tour support and they booked me. I don't think anyone else was free. And they were like, do you want to do Josh's? That's not true. You did the Midlands ones.

29:55He's too tight to pay for a hotel and a travel. That's why. Correct. Correct. Oh, I like doing Josh's because he's such a lovely boy. He is, he is. He's a lovely boy. Have you got any questions about what it's like to support me, Rob? Yeah, ask me. I'll tell you. How does Josh treat you on arrival? Do you have your own dressing room? Does he have any rules for you about the tour support? What's he like as a boss? Don't look him in the eye. He gets very upset. Well, you'll get neck ache as well, I imagine, looking down there. That's it, really. Cup of tea. We'll have a cup of tea. Slag off some comedians.

30:31Slag off comedians, yeah. Do the show. I'll go, I'm not going to watch you. I'm going home. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Have you not watched his show at all then, Lindsay? No, I have. I did when it was in Birmingham because I thought I can't really can't get out of it you've got to watch it once at least I think it's mental if a tour sport never watches your show at all it's like a bit of a slap in the face no it's not I find it too stressful if someone's in there it's good it's a good show how do you split it with your husband then the childcare and stuff like that are you who's doing the most traditional who's the default parent oh him he is he's like 80 % I'm not allowed to do bedtime anymore are you not no I wind her up too much wind her up in a fun way Yeah, like, we were playing, like, who can do the loudest farts and stuff like that.

31:17Of course I find one. She's looking like you're saying to a daughter, you're a shit. Why do you stink about that all night? Have you met her?

31:26Let's not rule it out, Rob.

31:32She was eating three camembertes a week during pregnancy before she realised. Next to a shellfish platter. Topped off with a bit of carver. And a cigar. Is your husband fun or is he more sensible? Like, but he can turn it on and off where you're just on, aren't you? He's very calming and sensible. And like, so when, like he, like, if he's reading a book at bedtime, he will just read the book and slow his voice. And she'll slowly, where I'm like going, and then the pool flew out the window. Oh, I can't, like all of that type of stuff. Stop doing the rest of Josh's show as well. We've already done the other bit.

32:13So he's more flexible. So if you're already working, because that's the thing, you're quite unpredictable. Don't worry, she's always coming back from the theatre at 8pm once she's been on, Rob. She's not by late. Straight back in, watch the wrestling, go to bed. Oh, yeah, you love the wrestling, don't you? Do you? Yeah. It's all on Netflix now, isn't it? Well, that's it. I've only just started, I like it because nothing really happens and it's like you can have it on in the background and it's just men shouting at each other and the women kicking each other in the tit and I just think this is wonderful.

32:38It's like a night out in Birmingham. Exactly. Yeah, my husband does all the childcare. My mum as well is very great. She's me. So not really useful, but happy to be there. As a parent then, what do you think your best strength is? Obviously, what's the thing that you go, I'll do, you know, you and your husband will go, yeah, you do that, you'll be the best at that? Sorry if this is quite an uncomfortable question for you. It was meant in the spirit of trying to pump you up, but I think this might be confirming what everyone's thinking. Yeah, exactly. I'm good at brushing teeth I make brushing teeth a lot of fun yeah are you too fun is that the problem no I just really um shit how do you make teeth brushing fun what's your technique because I can't get my kids to do it I pretend I'm a I'm a policeman and I'm going to catch her teeth and things like that and just sometimes I hold her upside down and brush her teeth because that's her laugh things like that you know silly billy things and then that winds her up a bit before bed does it Yeah, and then she's all like, and then before we go to bed, we always have to do a catwalk up and down the landing to write said Fred, I'm too sexy.

33:46So we do that for the whole song. And then David takes over. Absolutely livid. Are you the favourite and it really annoys him? No, I think he's the favourite because he's a constant pace of calm, whereas I sometimes come in and I'm like, let's make a castle out of these shoes I've found in the garage. Let's have a look at the dishwasher. What's in here? Look at this up to a knife. What a laugh. Do you know what I mean? It's not. Yeah, it's quite chaotic, but fun. There'll be a point where she loves it now, but they might, as you get older, be like, mum, I don't want to do that. I want, you know.

34:21Yeah. How are you going to relate to a teenager? I don't know. I was a horrible teenager, so I imagine she's going to be vile. So, something to look forward to. Why were you a horrible teenager? Oh, I was just fat and angry. and hormonal. I didn't know what to do with myself. And I used to go up. I wasn't naughty. I didn't do anything exciting like drugs or nothing, but I was just like. Fed up. Just a pain in the arse. Didn't get a job. Wouldn't do anything. Used to just sit on the computer all day, playing on Habbo Hotel or whatever the hell it was I was on, and just being a knob. That's not too bad, really.

34:59I could have been on crack. Do you know what I mean? But you hadn't found your thing, had you? It's obvious that stand-up comedy is your thing. Well, what else can I do? Well, I could work in admin. Yeah, but you probably did that badly, let's face facts. I did.

35:17You might have had fun, but I doubt you were good at it. Your heart won't in it, were you? I wasn't very organised, which was terrible, really. If I interviewed you for an admin job, I'd go, I love her. Would I employ her? Absolutely fucking not. Good luck to her. Do you want to find something and it ain't this? I could be normal for about 30 minutes and that is... Are you ready? I'll do it now. So say you're interviewing you for like a job, like we need a new admin assistant for Parenting Hell to deal with all the emails and stuff like that. Pretend you're looking for that job. Yeah, see, I'm nodding like I understand.

35:49Okay, cool. Thanks for applying, Lindsay. What made you apply for the job as the admin assistant for the Parenting Hell podcast? Well, I've got about 13 years experience. I've worked across a variation of sectors. I've worked within higher management and lower management. Bullshit, bullshit, all of that. But do you see what I mean? It sounds all right. They must be so furious when you turn up on the first day. Yeah, that was brilliant. That was like a serial killer. You snapped into that immediately. Lindsay, what would you say your career highlight has been in admin at the NHS? I really liked it when I made a spreadsheet that just said everyone's annual leave.

36:22And then I thought, well, nobody... Well, they used to do it on paper when I started, just saying, and I thought, how can I make this easier for me? Because that's what it is at the end of the day. I don't want to deal with everyone's paper. And I came up with this thing that works with like a system we've got where people could book their annual leave online. I can feel the energy leave in your body. It saved me about three weeks of work. That's great. You brought spreadsheets to the NHS? No, they had spreadsheets. They just didn't want to use them. Oh, right. Listen, this is boring, isn't it?

36:55Yeah, I know. I can feel like your body language, you gave up on the role play halfway through, but that's absolutely fine. I'm used to that. Bit of fun. I think comedy's definitely your thing. See what I mean? Yeah. I don't think Admin would have been. I would be a kids entertainer. I've been to a lot of kids parties recently. I think I could do that. I'd say, do you? Oh God, I don't think I could do that. It's a hard graph, that. Yeah, I could dress up as Elsa. Imagine me as Elsa. Would you enjoy that? Wouldn't you hate that? No, but you've only with them for a short amount. You've got dyed pink hair.

37:27You'd be a shit Elsa. Have you heard of wigs, Rob? Get with it. All right.

37:35Would you enjoy being a teacher? No, because my brother and sisters are teachers. Are they? I think. Is that what they do? Are they like you? My sister is very, I say, normal presenting. Right. Normal presenting. Yeah. And my brother is mad. But he's also, he's like me, but he's a teacher, but he's a good teacher. Does that make sense? He can be serious for longer than 30 minutes. He can do an hour for each lesson. He wouldn't turn around and tell the kids to go fuck themselves. As they leave the room, he'd walk to a cupboard, scream into it and then bring in the next class. Yeah, yeah. Are you touring any time soon?

38:11Are you kicking around? No, thanks for having me, but I've got nothing to promote. What's your career highlight? I don't know. What are you doing? Nothing.

38:21Well, the career highlight thing is more the admin job interview. Are you going back to Edinburgh or anything or what's the plan? You seem very chilled and relaxed. You're not sort of like super career career, or are you? Is this underneath you are? Because you've got to go up to Edinburgh and gig every month and do all the new competitions and, you know, work really hard. You must. Well, no, I have to say a lot of it is my agent, Andy. You know Andy Josh. He's a lovely boy. He's very clever, you know, because he gets me – this sounds mental, but he'll suggest things to me. And then I think it's my idea.

38:54and then I got halfway through Edinburgh and went, I didn't fucking agree to do this.

39:05And I was like, he's so good. He's so good. He's a great boy. I can't fault him at all. Wonderful. But he knows what I want to do before I want to do it, which is very clever, I think. What do you think Andy would say your plan is then? Well, I think I'm going to Edinburgh. I'm going on tour. Yeah. I think I'm writing a sitcom, apparently. Oh, no.

39:32So now you're a full-time comedian, though, right? So what's your normal schedule? Are you doing the school drop-off, the pick-up? Are you going to an office? Are you writing from home? Are you doing nothing, watching wrestling? She's not gone office. I'm in here with Bluey, and look at this piece of shit. That's a big teddy. I've never got to show us that fucking teddy bear. David's got a childless friend So he buys stupid toys And that's bigger than my own And I'm waiting for the right raffle To come along to donate it to They don't want teddies normally Well yeah I know My day is Mondays normally I try and have a day off So that would be like I'll just play some Because when we're all going to work And I'll just play some computer games and watch telly And just that's my day off And then Tuesday I normally I'm trying to do a podcast with my friend Harriet Dyer but we're so she's really enthusiastic and I'm like that's Tuesday, you don't do a podcast on a Tuesday Wednesday's swimming Wednesday goes swimming me mum comes and takes mine, we take a swim in Thursday, Friday, Saturday, gigging Sunday, it's Jesus' birthday or something, can't do anything

40:45I don't know, what I don't like is there's no structure to comedy, is it? You never know where you're going. You need a spreadsheet, that's what you need. Yeah, but I'm not getting paid, so I'm not going to do it. Well, and also, there's so much travelling Thursday, Friday, Saturday normally when you're travelling around gigging. Oh, God, your December looks tough, Lindsay. Bye, what's wrong with it? Are you in her diary? What do you know that I don't know? I'm just on your website. She doesn't know she's got a website. Oh, no, I don't update that, my husband does. He does everything. Well, I'm glad you say that because above the gigs it says, I have to manually update this and it's a pain in the arse, so it might not be up to date.

41:23Yeah. But you've got Google, haven't you? Have a Google. It's quite aggressive. Well, you've been on Celebrity Mastermind. The stuff you've been on is on here. What? Celebrity Mastermind? Yeah, and then I did as well as you think I did. What was your subject? Gimme, gimme, gimme the TV series. I wanted to do Toby Carveries. I wanted to do Toby Carveries. They said no. Why can't you do that? There's not really any information about Toby Carveries. It's not a, there's no history. But then people were tweeting me calling me a thick ****. I'm tagging in the children's hospice. No, I was trying to say, what if I thought, stop it.

42:03You posted about being on it, tagged in the children's hospital, and they replied to that, including the children's hospital, saying you're a thick ****. What it was, the question was, there's a land mumble, blah, blah, blah, fastest, blah, blah, blah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Lindsay, I'm going to have to stop you there. The blah, blah, blah is quite an important part of the question. No, it's not. It's not. Because he was asking me about land mammals, Clark. And he was saying, like, land mammals. And then he said, he's a cheetah. And I went, well, what are you telling me? It's not a question.

42:30And then he said, what's the last letter of the word cheetah? And I said, ah, cheetah. That close, a shitstorm on Twitter. But the question was, what's the last letter in the word cheetah? Yeah. That was the question, and you said, ah. It's funny. But are you playing for laughs or for money? And I said this to them. Please don't give me no spelling. We're in trouble. Unless they did it, I thought, it's not his fault. I've got your episode here. I've got your episode here. Don't watch it. I'll kill myself.

43:10I think people are angry because they thought you were trying to be funny because you're a comedian, but you actually panicked and went, ah. Yeah, but then because of that, I started to schlump in the chair because I was physically trying to move myself away from Clive. And people were saying I was being disrespectful because I wasn't sitting up straight, but I was physically dying. I can really, really sympathise because when you're starting out in the comedy, you get awful loads of opportunities and you have to say yes to everything until you're in a hierarchical position. Particularly, she doesn't say yes, Andy says yes and then tells her she said yes.

43:44And then obviously you can get to a point where you can start to say no to stuff because you don't need it for your profile as much and then you can pick things that are more suited to you. I, for very obvious reasons, have swerved celebrity masterminds like the plague because I'm dyslexic too and it's stressful. So I totally understand that you're now in that chair, new to the world of TV, panicking, and everyone's got the up with you and it's horrible and I feel for you. I think most of the worst was bloody Chris Akabusi. The seventh end there His specialist subject was nature Who? Nature Nature The philosopher Yeah Chris Hikobusi Got 100 % right Right What?

44:25Then they come to me And they were like What's Linda's bra size I'm like seven And I fucked them up as well Seven Listen The whole thing was absolute I didn't lose You didn't lose Oh my god Who else was on there? Mike Bubbins Yeah And Nikita Kanda Who's a radio presenter Yeah, but we both kind of panicked each other out, me and Nikita. It was very much an akabusi bubbing's head to head, was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what did Nikita do hers on? Whitney Houston. But one of the questions I knew the answer to, it's so weird because when you're in the seat, your brain turns to absolute shit. When that light goes on you and it all goes dark, because we used to do that on smart TV.

45:05Nikita's only got, she only got three on her specialist subject. Yes. When that person called you the thick C word, You should have just tagged in Nikita just to get the heat off you. What did I get? What did you get on your specialist subject? Five. That's not bad. And then what about in general knowledge? Nikita got up to seven overall. Lindsay? Josh isn't reading this. He memorises all the results of the whole series. Yeah. Lindsay, I'm just skipping through on the iPlayer. Why do you do a heart symbol like a footballer, like Gareth Bale, halfway through your interview with Clive? I don't do that, so I would probably be explaining something like testicles or something.

45:44I don't know. I wouldn't be. Have you kept in touch with Clive since? Do you know what? He's so sweet to me afterwards. He came up and was like, did you have fun? Like a childhood party. And I was like, no, I didn't. You got nine. You got nine. It's good. I hated it, Clive. I hated it. Can I just play this? Is this the cheetah one? No, please! Please, can we play the cheetah one? That was your only pass. so you've got nine points well done do the cheater question well I can't find the cheater question because I can't see the put the subtitles on someone's changed their tune they're bang up for it now when it sells me my answers I went I just get up and walk back and go thanks for having me I've had a lovely time while the music's blasting out I've loved it liar I just feel so bad because it's genuinely like a piece of like British you don't respect hierarchy just it's questions in a chair you tried your best Wait, let's just have a listen.

46:37General knowledge. Here we go. The word brekkie is a slang term for what morning do you mean? Breakfast. Yes. Well done. That knowledge is general. Well done. With passenger numbers, which London airport is the second busiest in the UK after Heathrow? Oh. It stands to live there. It stands to live there. In your defence, London airports is a bit of a lottery, isn't it? I don't know. I don't do flying. In 2023, Abby Cook became a presenter of what long-running BBC children's television show? Blue Peter. Blue Peter. Yes. Yes. Yes. He's only imprisoned. One of the largest in Scotland is in which city?

47:20Glasgow? Yes. Oh, you're flying. You're absolutely flying. It's great. In 2024, which Labour politician succeeded Jeremy Hunt to become the UK's first former Chancellor of the Exjector? Oh, I can't remember in there. Barbara Streisand. Hello, Rachel Reeves. In a standard dartboard, what low-scoring number is directly between the 20 and the 18? I know this now. Two. No, one. The 2024 animated film about competing emotions in the mind of a teenage girl that features characters such as anxiety, joy, and disgust. It's a sequel to what 2015 film? Inside Out. Yes. Yes. Yes. Benazano narrows bridge in New York City, connects the borough of Brooklyn with which island?

48:05I don't know. Staten. Manhattan? No, Staten Island. The disorder known as somnambulism, sometimes called noctambulism, has what more common name? Insomnia. I think, nocturnal? I don't know. Streetwalking is telling... I beg you. ...of the word cheetah for a species of big cat. Cheetah? I can't spell... Let's say I. I? No, H. Oh, my God. I tell you what. Please, for God's sake. Come on, Lindsay. It's so panic-inducing. The slide down is something else. Yes, I really slump. And I'm sorry. And I wasn't being disrespectful. No, you don't need to. I had viscous leggings on and was uncomfortable in the situation.

48:46I was trying to remove myself. I think because obviously you know how to spell cheetah. You've panicked and you've slumped. No, I don't know how to spell cheetah even now. Cheetah. Well, how do you spell it? Chihita

49:07It's still not my favourite Panic on the iPlayer I don't know if it's still there When Josh did this week No, no, no, no, no No, you don't want to talk about it? We spoke about it before I do, let me have a Google Oh, it's the worst No, no, no It's not on iPlayer It's on YouTube Oh, is it on YouTube? It's on this week With Andrew Marr Michael Portillo And Diane Abbott Andrew Neil Andrew Neil So it's Andrew Neil hosts it and it's Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott. Is it Diane Abbott? Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, she was so rude to me before and after. Beforehand, can I just say... What am I looking for?

49:36Yeah, this week, Josh Whittacombe. Yeah, it's six minutes long. Can't be bothered with that. But there's a point where Josh goes, there was only six people in his class or something, and he goes, well, I didn't go to private school like you guys. And then all of them go, neither did we. Oh, God. And then Josh goes, oh, my God. And then he vomits in his own mouth. Rob, I've sent you the clip of Lindsay Slump. Oh, let me see Lindsay Slump. This is what we like to do. We get guests on and then bring up harrowing moments and then send each other videos of physical evidence. It's the kind of guys we know.

50:11Here she goes, further into the chair. She's sliding away. But I totally get it. Oh, my God. You start laying down. Yeah, one bite. I think my head was on the seat. What the fuck is Chris Akabusi wearing? Well, whatever makes him comfortable, I think. I love Nietzsche t-shirt. I love Nietzsche. Well, Mike Bobbins wins if you want to know the result. Chris Akabusi loses it on the general knowledge. Mike Bobbins, consistent all the way through. Sat up straight. Had some respect for the chair. Yeah, he was very supportive of me during that difficult time. Unlike your spine. Unlike my spine. Are you excited for Christmas?

50:52Obviously a four-year-old. Are you doing the elf? Have you got any other sort of Christmas traditions? Well, I told her that the elf, my daughter, that the elf only goes to kids that are really naughty. So now she's gone to school and told everyone. Oh, wow. That means you're naughty. I feel like the elf would be perfect fodder for you, being silly and creating fun little... Because let's face it, you're doing fuck all all week. It's totally annoying. Excuse me, I've got to put two washes on after this. I've got things to do, I have. And I've got to go and buy a bunk bed. I might not do that. I seem to be like a mess, the elf.

51:30The elf. Did you do the elf? We do the elf, Lindsay. It's hard work. Because our children are naughty. How do you keep coming up with things? It's just sort of love for my child, really. When you can create such magic for free, essentially. You just have a little elf, and then each day you can just sprinkle a bit of magic in your home. You know, I just sort of just love my kids and like to express it that way. That's it. But each to their own. I think the most important thing you can give your children is your time. So that's why I don't do anything.

52:02Because I'd rather spend time with my child. Absolutely. Where's the fucking elf gone? Up your ass. What about Christmas? Are you in charge of Christmas? Is your partner doing that? What's going on? Are you? Go to my mum's and then go to David's parents in the afternoon. Oh, so you'd have to do any hosting or sorting out or cooking and stuff like that? No, I can't do that. I can't do it. You're all right, Lindsay? I don't know what's happening here, but I'm not normally this... And something about you, Rob. We've watched Mastermind, Lindsay. Come on, mate. Have I fucked you up? What's going on?

52:39No, it's like torture, isn't it? In my defence, Lindsay, all I said was what you do for Christmas and you've had a complete existential... You've slumped. You've got to be able to hold up to these kind of relaxed questions. For Christmas, I am, yes, going out. I'll say it with a straight back proudly. Yes, Christmas. I love it. Lindsay, the last question is always the same and I'm worried for you. Because if you can't handle what you're doing for Christmas. How do you spell lion, is it? La Iona La Iona La Iona La The question is What one thing Does your husband do That makes you Just so happy That you're with him And that he's the father Of your child And what one thing Does he do That annoys you But you haven't brought it up If he was to listen to this Every morning He makes me A cup of coffee And it's just so lovely Just something simple Like that Also he lets me Squeeze his spots That's nice I tell him everything If he annoys me he knows Yeah I can imagine that The current one is he clicks when he's asleep Oh that is annoying isn't it What can he do about that though Oh stop breathing Go in the other room Is that why you get in bulk beds

54:05Oi clicker You top bunk I'm down here I'm not doing that lad Or I'll get high blood pressure again Stand down here It's just not consistent If it was a consistent noise on every breathe. So you never know when it's coming again. If it was regular, you know it's coming. But when it's like, oh, they've stopped. It all nerves me.

54:27Lindsay, thank you so much for doing this. I'm so excited for you and what's coming for you because you're so funny. More excited than you are. Yeah, most people are. Most people are. There are people listening to this that are desperate to be as funny as you are. You're just floating along. And do you know what? I respect it. Listen, as my nan said and as I said, if I tried, I'd be very good. Imagine the possibilities. But Andy's got it under control. Andy is a brilliant man. He's a great agent. He'll look after you. But if you're going up to Edinburgh, definitely go and see Lindsay on her tour.

54:59If I'm there, might not. Be a household name in a couple of years and you'll have gotten and seen her early and you can brag. But yeah, Lindsay, absolutely brilliant. Keep going. He's laughing at that. I feel like I'm dying and you're doing like a funeral for me. like please help no you're brilliant I'm excited I love seeing new comedians that are brilliant and I get really excited when I see them slightly early just before they fully break through to doing big tours and that's what you're going to end up doing so it's exciting I don't know what's happened in the last hour but my I feel broken I don't know what you've done I'm glad you've enjoyed your time I think me and Kaya Amari might need to meet up for some sort of counselling of like if you've been Lindsay Santoro'd I don't feel like you can keep blaming the people that are setting the questions, Lindsay.

55:43I think at some point... Lindsay, all that's happened is you've come on the Parenting Podcast. I've asked you a question about what you do for Christmas with your kid and then said, I'm really excited for your future career because I think you're brilliant. And that has stressed you out. I can't take compliments and that's what I'm trying to do. I think you're shit. Oh, thank you. I feel better now. You're shit and please never come on again. Thanks, Lindsay. Fuck off.

56:09Cheers, Lindsay. That was brilliant. Lindsay Santoro. Oh, look at us. We just did it at the same time. We're so in sync. Or if it was in sync, we would have read each other and left it, wouldn't we? Yeah, we're like two footballers going for the same ball, Gerrard and Lampard. Lindsay Santoro, she's so funny, isn't she? She's just got funny bones. She's hilarious. What a one-off she is. She is. She's amazing. Follow her on Instagram. Follow her on Instagram and then she's got loads of good clips on there and then buy a ticket to go and see her. You won't be disappointed. Yeah. Especially, I think she's the perfect demographic as well for our audience.

56:38as well. Oh my god, yeah. She's crackers. So yeah, brilliant. Well done, Lindsay. Thanks for coming on. Josh, I'll see you next time. Bye, guys. See you next time. Bye.

56:54Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whittacombe here.

57:03I have got a new podcast. Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture. And I'm going to say it, I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics, or politics. I know I do. And that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

57:40See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby, when Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh, The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

58:18Stiffnecks will learn, loosenecks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe, and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Widdicombe. Available everywhere on the 1st of January.