S11 EP36: Stop me if I've said this before...

24:35And then a callus grew over it. My body rejected a bit of it, which was what that thing fell off last week. And then I think when I've squeezed it to try and get the other bit out, I've basically just pushed it further in my foot and turned it. So I'm just walking on the glass. And the squeeze was a mistake. If you've got a lump, don't squeeze it. Just go to a doctor. So anyway, she was bleeding a bit, but then she went, are you okay? I went, yeah, why? She went, I'm putting direct pressure on that gap. And I couldn't feel it. So she's got the glass out of my foot, John. Oh my God, amazing. And then she put like a cushioning on it and it was a bit sore for a couple of days after because obviously I had a little cut in my foot, but it just felt like a normal cut.

25:10Yeah. And it was honestly like magic, like the hairs on the back of my neck were like stood up. Oh my God. So she managed to get it out. And then I went, that doesn't feel painful. She went, it won't because the thing's gone. It'll just be a bit sore. What time of day was this? This is 2 p.m. Shows at eight. Shows at eight. Because that's the only time I could get in before they shut. And I was like, I've got ice skating tomorrow. Will I be all right? She went, it'll be fine because I've removed what was in there. Yeah. It might hurt, but it's not going to make it worse. Well, ice skating's not going to be, if anything, it's not as bad as walking.

25:40Yeah, exactly. And it was, it was fine, to be fair. And it's much better. It's basically back to normal now. Honestly, though, Josh, it was awful. You've like, overnight, just like stabbing my foot, this bit of glass. So then you got to ice skating. Well, no, then you must have got home at about 1am. Yeah, about 1am. Went to bed, woke up at six because the kids are up early. Was it the actual birthday? No, the actual birthday was today. That was yesterday. So, yeah, we went ice skating, 17 kids. Now, the problem with the ice skating was Lou was sort of getting her skates on. Penguin and tractors were available to rent for the session.

26:13Oh, my gosh. Because we got there first. I rented five penguins and five tractors. What's a tractor? Sorry. It's like a sit-on. Yeah, and it's got a thing at the back you push. So, that was quite handy, actually, because some of the girls and boys were pushing each other around. Oh, yeah, that's good. And someone on Penguin, someone on it. So it worked all right. But the thing was, because it was obviously open to the public, Lou went, stand at the front and then tell all the guests to come through. And I was like, yeah, absolutely. Now, I know what the kids in the class look like. I don't know what the three new girls look like, because I've not met them yet.

26:45Of course. And I don't know what the new girls, new parents. You're not interested. Mums and dads look like. You don't want to. And I don't always know all of the other parents that have been there for a few years. We're fully across your views. But that's fine because I think they're aware of me. They're aware that you don't want to be their friend. Exactly. So I was just waiting. I thought, what I'll do is whoever smiles at me, I'll assume that they're here for the party. The problem there, the elephant in the room, is you're Rob Beckett. Yeah. So people are just smiling at Rob Beckett, smiling at them.

27:14I don't want to talk about myself in the third person, but basically there's a bloke off the telly, stood at the front of an ice skating rink. Yeah, you might smile at him. That does a parenting podcast with loads of parents walking at him and I'm just smiling at them all. and at one point they went here for the ice skating of course they all were it was a bit of a lottery and trying to work out whose kid was who but Lou should have done the welcoming and I should have been putting the skates on I think yes so how was it once you were on the ice all good first five minutes were probably the most stressful moments of my life did you get everyone ready and then all on at once or were people dribbling onto the ice when they'd got their skates done I'd say about ten went on straight away and then the rest sort of dribbled on because they were a bit some people turned up later but I'd say the first five minutes as they were getting their bearings it was chaos my my youngest at all was legs everywhere like yeah she's quite tall it was like this is actually dangerous and they were all soaking wet but then after a while they got used to it but that first five minutes were was horrendous yeah but um they're older now they're 10 is my daughter's 10.

28:09That is fucking mental how do you feel about double figures? As much as obviously it's my daughter's birthday but like for me and Lou as parents like this year has been insane anyway. Like I came home like, because I've not just not been at home. Stuff I normally sort out is such a mess. Like there's still a paddling pool in my garden. Yeah. There's a thing that's blown over in a storm. There's just like crap everywhere that I've not sorted out. But it feels a bit like, because Lou's been doing it all on her own. It was like soldiers in a war. Lou's absolutely up to a limit and exhausted because she's had the kids on her own, had to do all the school runs, sort all birthdays out and that.

28:43And she's like in a war zone with her legs blown off. And then I've come back from tour absolutely, it's like my arms have been blown off between us and trying to sort it out but then she can't walk and i can't pick things up and you've got two birthdays and christmas but yeah but 10 years as well i was like oh my god like this is a bit like you know obviously quite self-involved but it is a podcast about our lives but i think self-involved has jumped the shark with this podcast yeah fuck it i'll just lean into it should have dropped that note on episode three but i'm sure some of the listeners will appreciate it's been 10 years since every single moment of my life the decisions have been skewed towards three then four as a family not just me and or me it's like it's a decade it's like a quarter of my life yeah i've only been alive for a quarter of my life has been it's mental to even think of it before and like how quick that's gone and i was looking at photos with the girls last night of like the day before she was born like 10 years ago basically and what i was doing and i was dressed as a fucking p on a fork yeah on the embankment trying to do some stupid tv show thing and like it's just yeah 10 years of like oh my god it's like that's a long time isn't it yeah and it feels i mean i'd say the time before what is eight years for me feels completely disconnected yeah like i can't even imagine that time it feels like i was born 10 years ago yeah exactly and not this fucking wanky bullshit like me and he have children and he changes you as a person.

30:10That aside, but like it totally changes what's expected of you and your responsibilities. Yeah. You will always have to be there forever with that child's best interest is your motivating drive in every decision you make. Yeah, totally. Which does change your life. And that will inevitably change you as a person because all your decision-making has to change. But we had a really good time actually. And then we went to Pizza Express. They loved that. Had some pizzas. Then we came home and we watched Nativity together, which was nice. because I've not been at home for like two weeks. Yeah. And then this morning we did a presence and she's obsessed with cherries.

30:43Right. Just love cherries. So I like cherries decorations. Lou done an amazing job. We've got balloons, cherries. Oh, so then also you've got to remember, you know, the elf. You know, you're trying to get the birthday presents ready and then the elf's up to something, isn't he? We've gone elves this year. You've gone elves. What day did the elf come? It was absolutely brilliant. When my daughter came back from school and said everyone else has got an elf. See, the thing is, that is the problem now. We were never anti-elf. It just wasn't a thing. This fucking elf. You can't escape the elf now. The elf, it's amazing what he's done.

31:13Within one generation. Well, we've got two. They must be doing the same things every morning. No, we've just... That's insane. I know. That's 50, that's 50... They don't do Christmas Day, do they? Yeah, I think they've gone back with Santa. Yeah. Because you weren't even doing it, were you at the start? No, so we've saved four by the first and the second. Eight? No, no, two days, four. Is that how long it took until she found out? Yeah, no, she came back on the second, was the first Sunday, whatever. No one really in London at a previous school for some reason, no one really did it. Yeah, because as you said before, they're all heartless career people that don't care about their kids.

31:49Exactly. They were too busy creating an AI that's going to kill us all. But no one before did that. And then she came back. So do you know what we did, Rob? What? We just went into town. I love the fact that you've discovered being near stuff. It's mad. Yeah, but you used to be able to go and get a handmade croissant if you wanted, between nine and 11. I can still do that, yeah. And now you can also go to a normal shop. Do you know what Rosa started to do, Rob? What's that? So after school, she walks to the coffee shop. Yeah. She's now started to be one of those people that sits outside with the other local parents.

32:26And just has a little chat. Just has a coffee, like Tony Soprano. And it's not like, let's meet like two or three of them. It's like whoever's there chats. Yeah. I like it, like outside Satriali's pork store. She's a made man. See, the only problem with that is, though, inevitably... She'll end up shagging one of them. I didn't think that. That didn't come into my mind either. Inevitably, you will find that you've got more in common with certain individuals, so there's always a slight lottery of that morning to go, well, I hope that person I'll get on with there, rather than just being cornered by someone that...

32:55Well, I suppose you can always go. You've got to call it when you get there. If you're outside, because your coat's on, get a takeaway cup and you can go, right. Oh, she takes her takeaway cup so she can call it. Oh, she's got it cracked. Because that means what she can do then is if she's vibing, she stays. If not, I better go. I've got a call. She hasn't got a call, but she's got a coat on and she's got a disposable cup. So she's not trapped. Exactly. Exactly, Rob. She's your Rob Beckett. Exactly. Although I can't imagine you meeting up with random parents for coffee. No, I do. I'm just busy, actually.

33:26And because we drive, we don't walk in because it's too far. And I am very sociable, actually. I had to speak to all the guys and gals at the gate. I went to a soft play party early once and sat down and chatted to everyone about what they were doing for Christmas, actually, and I got all involved. Fucking hell. Yeah. Here he is. Yeah. King of the school. King of the school. I'm a great guy, actually, and I'm very friendly to the other parents. I don't like this rhetoric, actually. If you listen. I feel like I'm on Laura Koonsberg. And you are a parent at one of our schools, either that I've been to.

33:57Review us. Or Rob's. let us know whether we're too standoffish or we come on too strong yeah absolutely you can write in anonymously completely anonymously to prove that you do we won't publish this but you need to give some fact that proves that you go to the school yeah some sort of niche detail about the school like as a verification yeah that's a good idea oh talking of the fucking school i'll do it for a minute lou's livid with this one of my daughters has been invited to they do a school disco in the term they do a christmas disco where you can wear a christmas accessory and they play some christmas songs and have a bit of a dance yeah guess what time a school disco is well the ideal time would be four or five p.m yeah like after school clubs they go there for an hour four till five pick them up at five yeah yeah now 7 45 a.m start what yeah coming down for registration yeah and then it finishes at 20 past eight that is wild 35 minutes of banging tunes 35 minutes of banging tunes and they're allowed an accessory 7.45am to 8.20am.

34:57God, that sounds fun. We've all been there, haven't we? Let's go out. Let's remember to bring an accessory so that, you know, we can really let go. Because normally it would be after school and you'll have to wear a dress or a jumper or some clothes. That's a really extreme version of, that's where this Annie McManus thing's heading. What's Annie McManus? You know Annie McManus, like she started before midnight. Oh, DJing before midnight, yeah. DJing and it finishes at midnight. and now it's kind of, you know, quite a few people are doing it and then people are doing it in the afternoon on Saturday.

35:27Before we know it, it's going to be before work DJ. Breakfast Ravers. Breakfast Ravers. Before we talk about The Elf, I've got such a tragic story, you're going to love this, about DJs. Right. In Bristol, I was walking along, Clifton. I was walking at this point, soon to be hobbling. Just having a look around the shops, really. Clifton's lovely, got a coffee, had a little walk-moot run and there was like a little arcade and it had like old vintage watch shops in it, like little bits, jewellery shops. And at the end, they had a record store. And I like collecting old vinyl records. So I look at vinyl shops looking for comedy stand-up albums.

35:59It said Fatboy Slim, I said, sign in his new book. Upstairs? Yeah, I went, Fatboy Slim, upstairs. And I love Fatboy Slim. Obviously, as well, you know, I get on really well with Zoe and, you know, Norman of Fatboy Slim's real name, Norman Cook. Obviously, got kids together and stuff like that. And I was like, do you know what? Go up. I'm a friend of Zoe. I imagine you've met Woody, Rob. Yeah, I think I may have. And I thought, you know what? I feel a bit awkward, but I like Fatboy Slim. And I definitely would have done it if I wasn't a bloke off the telly. But I felt a bit weird being a bloke off the telly.

36:27But I thought, you know what? Did it feel busy? It was busy. It was a bit more chilled, but like. No, I don't mean his signing. But I mean, when you were downstairs, did it feel like it was real? No, it felt odd because there was no one in the arcade. But it was like a little hidden cool shop. And I went, no, don't go up because there'll be loads of people up there. It might be awkward. It might be a bit weird. I went, you know what? Life's about just saying yes and going for it. Okay. Anyway, so I went upstairs and there was like, oh, he's Fatboy Sim. He went, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to meet him and get it signed?

36:52He went, yeah. And so I bought his book and then queued up waiting. Everyone's really lovely. There was record shop people. There was someone selling art. Then I bought his book, but there was a bloke next to him selling a print that was a collaboration with Fatboy Sim and him. And then I felt really bad for not buying the print. They're not buying the print for 100 quid. I don't know as much weight as breasts, but I'd fuck it out. No, but I've got a print now that says drop acid, not bombs. I don't want acid either. No, you don't know. I don't want to drop acid. For now, I've got posters saying drop acid.

37:17I don't think you should drop acid. I think it's too dangerous a drug. Exactly. Anyway, I've bought the print. I've bought the book. Now, I'm queuing up to meet Fatboy Slim. I'd be nervous at this point. I am nervous. And I'm sort of thinking, this is awkward. It's really hot. And I've got my coat now. I've got bags. And then I'm trying to fold my coat over my back. And I'm chatting to people. And they're a bit like, what are you doing here? I'm playing Beacon, Colston, whatever. If they're queuing up for Fatboy Slim, they're part of the Beacon crew. There's no one curing up. Beacon boys. Beacon boys.

37:44And eventually I wait in a bit and I go in and then there's other people there like Fatboy Sin fans. And he goes and it's just me on my own in the room with him. I'm like, hello. Oh, God. And he's a bit like, how's that comedian like here? I'm like, oh, hello. Oh, nice to meet you. And then I'm like too eager to be like, oh, no, I'll just, I want to explain why I'm here. But I don't want to be like, it's insane that I would come. Isn't this a laugh? You know, but I don't want to be like, I love you. No. So I'm like, oh, no. his first thought is that comedian, whatever his fucking name is, the one from what the week has come to, I don't think he's from Bristol.

38:18He's traveled to Bristol. So I'm like, well, I'm here on tour, you know, I'm walking past the situation, I'll come in. I'll show you a photo and I've been all awkward photos with Fatboy Slim. And I do like Fatboy Slim, but he's not my oasis. He's like, I like Fatboy Slim. Can I be honest? I've never heard you mention Fatboy Slim before. Praise you. A Rockefeller skank. Yeah. I'm out. Yeah, yeah. The overweight kid on the album. The one with Christopher Walken. If you put the whole album on, I'd love the whole album. Yeah. And I'm not a raver. I've never been to a rave in my life. I'd maybe do an indie disco, but I'd rather just go and watch comedy and sit in a pub, ideally, right?

38:52So now I'm getting my book signed, and he goes, oh, Brett, we have a photo, we have a laugh. He was like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, we've never really met, have we? Was he in one of his crazy shirts? Isn't that just a normal shirt, actually? Quite a handsome, tall guy, actually, normal. I don't have him down as tall. 6 '2", I'd say. Oh, wow. He goes down to sign my book and I'm like, I don't think he knows. Oh, no. So I'm like, to Rob, please. Let's just make it easy. Yeah. He signs it. He's like, what are you doing? And then he's with two other people. There's another guy there who's an artist doing signings, but then I haven't bought the thing he does to sign.

39:20So then I felt awkward. But it's hard. Because I think if you're doing a book signing, you need to go in it at the same level. And this guy is a successful artist, but Fatboy Slim is like. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. So I didn't have anything to sign, but I'm chatting to them. And they're like, everyone's being really friendly and welcoming. What are you doing? I'm doing Bristol blah blah they're all from Brighton and I went come to the Brighton I was like I would love to come and see come to the Brighton show if you want but there's three of them I don't know if they're all together or not and I was like yes I take my number so I gave one of them my number and then Norman was like I'm playing Bristol tonight if you want to come you said that or he did no he said that I said I'm doing Bristol and he said I'm doing Bristol and he went you can come if you want if the gig's finished I went oh what time are you on and he went midnight oh sorry Norman well I'm like do you know what yeah I finished a gig at 10 I'll go back to the hotel bar, have a drink.

40:05And then me and our tour manager, Nick, we're going to go to a rave. Even though I can't walk? At this point, I hadn't squeezed it. So what is this, a Friday night? This is Friday afternoon. Friday afternoon. And then I get it sorted Saturday morning. So I squeeze it. This is quite a key fact, actually. I squeeze it between me and Fatboy Slim and the rave. Right. And now this rave is in a warehouse on the edge of town in Bristol. 5 ,000 people, called like the Prospect. 5 ,000 people? Yeah, right. That's what he wants to do is fucking signing. Not upstairs in a record shop. Sell a few fucking art prints to people off their chops.

40:38So they go, right, you're on the guest list, Rob Beckett, plus one. Perfect. Thank you. Anyway, nice to meet you all. Bye. The good thing there, Rob, is he's not going to know if you've gone. Well, now let me finish the story. Please don't tell me that he said, come meet me in the DJ booth. No, no, no, no, no. They're quite the opposite. Right. So I go home, back to the hotel, have a go at squeezing the old foot. Dr. Robert. Yeah. As I go. I thought you'd like that Beatles reference. Yeah. So do the gig. Finish the gig. Great gig. Jump in the car back to the hotel. Me and Nick have a cruise campo at the hotel bar.

41:09How's Nick feeling about this? Nick's quite excited. Something different to do, but never been to a rave either. Yeah. I'm in the era of, do you know what, Rob? Stop being all anxious and worried. Fucking go and live your life. Yeah. Totally. Take a couple of pills. Take a couple. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to have two beers. I'm going to have a beer now and then a beer when I'm getting there. And I'm thinking, hopefully, just have a beer watching Fatboy Slim, either like side of stage or around the back bit so that I can watch him doing it and watch the crowd. I mean, amazing event to see.

41:33He's a brilliant DJ. So your presumption is that you've got backstage? Absolutely 100 % presumption is backstage, side of stage access. Yeah. So Nick's going to drive. We find out there's no parking at the event at all. He's going to drive. That's how much Nick's throwing himself into the road. No, but just because it's 20 minutes from our hotel. Yeah, yeah, fine, fine, fine, fine. Because it's a bit further. Difficult to book an Uber outside of Bristol at 1am as well. So you did. Yeah, but we couldn't drive because there was no parking. No, that's what I mean. Oh, you couldn't park? No, so I had to get an Uber.

41:59So we get a 20 quid Uber. We get dropped off in basically this deep, dark, industrial state, and we can hear like, dum, dum, dum. I'm getting quite nervous. It sounds like Jurassic Park. You know, we can hear noise. Also, Bristol's quite a kind of home because of massive attack and tricky. It's big on the kind of history of dance music is huge in Bristol. The vibe is huge. It's a Friday night, two weeks before Christmas. We're in Bristol. We get dropped off. We walk around the corner, and then basically, what I didn't realise it was, A rave is basically a giant warehouse with just like sound system in it.

42:29And then the bar is all outside on like the car park of the warehouse. And it's port-a-loos. And everyone's outside like a giant like festival, but outside in the dark and the rain. In December? In December. And it's cold and it's wet and there's puddles. Everyone is on the way in. Everyone is loving life. Everyone's drunk. Spirits are through the roof. There's always these metal like barriers and people in high viz. And it says, guess this. Great. So anyway, I'm shuffling for there. I'm wearing a pair of, the only clothes I've got that isn't a track suit. Oh no, not white trainers. It's white trainers, a pair of dress trousers, a t-shirt and a Stone Island jacket.

43:04What? What do you wear for gigs? That. No, I've got my gig clothes, but I'm not wearing my gig clothes to the, because I need it for the gig. Have you not got spare gig clothes? Yeah, but I didn't, I just thought I'd wear, anyway, I didn't know what I was thinking, but I'm too smart. I'm weirdly dressed. So I get there and I go, oh, Rob Beckett plus one, should be on the guest list. The guy looks at me blankly, right? Goes through, probably about 15 pages of paper with just names on no you're not on here and i'm like okay when i was added last minute i might be in pencil anyway he goes to the back i'm on it bottom of the list rob beckett plus one brilliant thank you norman great guy anyway he goes all right in you go and i just ask a quick question was there part of you when you weren't on the list that was relieved no because i'm up for this i'm in my and i went oh he went in you go and then when he says in you go basically just turns his arm and behind him is just like 3 000 people in a car park yeah battered like and if you are famous off the telly this is high stress i am at seconds away from being in a headlock here yeah having photos i'm already getting heckled in the queue and we've seen 10 most people are in there we get there at like quarter to 12 right he's not even on yet he's not even on yet and there's people like coming in like stragglers like that shouting at me becky and all that and i go so mate is it oh no i'm on the guesses is there any yeah why did you do this because i cannot go in there josh it's too much i'll just it'll be impossible to navigate right so i'm trying to protect myself right he says and guess this is there like a little guest area or is there a little side access to get around the side of the stage but no nothing i was like oh okay no i just thought there might be a little wristband or stamp or something to get me to a bit where i'll be like when so i might get a lot of hard work in there and it's difficult things i don't want to look like this is not who do you think i am Maybe it is in stuff.

44:43No, but it is close. Very close, isn't it? Do you know what? I think it is. It is who you think it. No, it isn't who I think I am because I'm going, you don't need to know who I am. I'm going to let you know that this is very difficult for me, but if there's a way I can get to the side of stage, that'll be great. But if not, there might be trouble here. But he's leaving with an anecdote that Rob Beckett said that he couldn't be in a public place. Well, at this point, we're both leaving with an anecdote and I should act. This is where my foot starts to really hurt. So I'm now limping on one foot at the rave door.

45:10He's only about 17, very young, lovely guy. He was like, oh, I don't really know, to be honest. I'm not sure. I've just been told to let people in on this list. I was like, cool. I went, well, don't worry. It's all right. We'll leave it. And I'm thinking, I just can't go in. I'll get mobbed and I've got a gig tomorrow and I'm tired and my foot hurts. I thought I could just sit beside a stage. Anyway, so I turned to go like that. And then he goes, don't worry, I'll find out. I'll find out. So then he just goes and asks another person. He goes, I've got Rob Beckett here who wants backstage. I was like, no.

45:33No, no, no. I was just saying, if there were, that would be great. And then the other one's going, ooh, I don't even know. Because they don't know who I am. They're all ravers. They're all asleep when I'm on telly. Yeah, of course. Ooh, ooh, I don't even know who the fuck he is. And I'm like, that's fine. You don't need to know who I am. I'm going to go anyway. But I just thought, if they're what. And then as I'm doing that, there's like 10 lads go, Becky! Oh, no. Oh, my God. So I'm having selfies with them as the bloke refuses to know who I am, which is fine. Come on, look at this. Why would these guys be having photos with me?

45:58Put this in the pudding, mate. I'm not even in yet and I can't get through. Do you know what I mean? And also, in a rave, you know they're going to be loose. Yeah, of course. And he's going, no, I don't even know who the fuck he is. I don't know who the fuck. And I'm like, all right, well, it doesn't matter. It's all right. Anyway, so then as I walk away like that, I'm trying to rush away. And I'm like, don't worry about it. I don't know who he is. I'll just leave it. It's fine. As I turn, I step in a puddle and slip on mud.

46:24Fuck it. And then get up. Did you go over? Yeah, right on my arse. right my sniffy little Adidas shoes on right and I went I leave it like that and then I get up and it was you know that Dale Boy Rodney where he goes come on Trigg we're leaving you know within eight minutes oh my god we're back in an Uber oh my god back to the hotel what was Nick's view on the whole thing poor Nick was just so confused because also as well like I texted him before I go do you want to go to a rave tonight at midnight and he's like okay but it's quite a weird lifestyle so that's just yeah by the way can I just say I'm not berating.

47:00I was very happy to be on the guest list. I'd say this is all on you. This is all on me. Did you offer him guest list to your show? Yeah, of course. Oh, no, you offered him in Brighton. You offered him in Brighton. But I would say, though, that, like, you can't really do guest list for a comedy. I'll get you tickets to go and see. Oh, no, no, no, sorry. I don't mean, I mean, I mean guest list by getting to watch. Like, was there a chance that Fatboy Slim was going to come to your show? I said they can come to Brighton if you want, but this isn't a dig at Fatboy Slim. No, I know. That's very clear.

47:24I'll be honest. he comes out of it smelling pharosis it was so lovely i just was too sober too tired and too overwhelmed and a bit panicky to deal with 5 000 people in a rave yeah because at least at a comedy gig once you've got your seat you're in your seat and you stay still it's just too much i felt a bit vulnerable and i didn't know what was going on so i panicked and i fell over and left i don't think you'd have loved it no you weren't vulnerable no i was only ever going to stay for about an hour anyway and leave before it finished and just go for an hour and say i've been i thought that'll be a fun experience but i got overwhelmed i panicked i fell in a puddle i left i don't know if you can say i've been to a rave i got near one did you cross the the kind of line where the rave began i set foot in the rave you said i think i was at the entrance of the puddling or out of the rave the puddles were everywhere but the specific one that you went into well did you fall over in the rave or out of the rave i fell over in the queue to the rave right okay yeah as i left the precipice of the road and what happened when you fell over did anyone go no I went really like that and I got up pretty quick but then what made me feel better I was on the way back around I did see another bloke slip on mud because basically it was so dark because it's not lit for weird time of year to have a rave if I had about five or six pints it would be fine but I was like I was close to having a panic attack of being overwhelmed I thought it's best to leave this is no good for me at the moment but Norman fat boy said I love you and there's nothing against you that was me presuming what was happening and then panicking and just being basically I was a rave virgin and I jizzed myself before anyone got undressed perfect it's a lovely end to the story Merry Christmas do you think you'll ever go again I think I would go to a rave again but I think I'd have to be very clear on the instructions of what was going on and I think in retrospect just saying yes to things and going with life is sometimes not a great idea yes we haven't didn't speak about elf we'll have to do it another time right sorry i went on for ages we'll talk about elves another time so we were talking previously about how everything in life just merges rob working parenting booking a dentist appointment running a business from the downstairs loo oh don't call my wife that there we go there we know she's upstairs sometimes as well which brings us josh to this week's special segment proudly brought to you by tesco mobile for business it's called a boss in it where we celebrate anyone trying to run a business while keeping small humans alive oh yes rob that is so difficult we're talking well do you remember the guy on the news whose kid came in the back that is the classic image that every parent remembers isn't it rob to give you an idea genuinely i'm i'm three minutes away of having to leave to do the school run this is exactly the situation i find myself in i am living what we are talking about at this moment well yes exactly and i think sometimes you could do with some you know business help in introducing buffer zones into your day because you're just business business business family family family and you can't do that 24 seves you know what i'm saying you can't do that 24 seves but it's very difficult to avoid at certain points in your life give me another example rob okay josh at the moment um i've got to send my accountant information and receipts for things I've bought for my business, my life of comedian.

50:39And I'm finishing the podcast with you. I've got to load up the car because tomorrow I'm going on a tour show. So I've got to make sure I've got the right stuff for the tour. Then my children are coming home in 20 minutes and they're getting dropped off by the childminder that picks them up from school and drops them back. And I've got to cook them their dinner. Josh, I'm going to let you see a secret. I'm going to do all of that badly. Oh, I thought you were going to say naked. No, no, no, no, no. I'll be fully dressed. but I'm spreading myself too thin like I'm a bit of toast and we're running out of butter.

51:06But Rob, even though you're spreading yourself too thin, even by doing it... You can see through me. Even though I can see through you, I've been able to for years. Even by getting through that, Rob, you are bossing it, mate. I am. I'm bloody bossing it. I'm bossing business and life. I'm a working dad and I'm proud. And if anything in this sounds like your life, you're absolutely bossing it. It is amazing. You're basically doing two full-time jobs at once. and Tesco Mobile for Business is built for people like you. Tesco Mobile for Business gives you contracts up to 40 % cheaper than the big guys and 50 quid welcome bonus plus access to the help hub which is like the Swiss army knife of business support.

51:44Templates, guides, videos, even HR stuff if your toddler ever files a grievance. And the best part is it's really quick and easy to sign up. So if you're running a small business for your kitchen, your car, head to Tesco Mobile for Business. They'll help you boss it. Rob, should we do small business? Yeah, come on. Shall I start? Go for it. I run a small business called Photo Explorers. We run photography workshops, kids' photos, parties, photography camps, and after-school clubs for infant and junior school ages, helping them explore the world creatively through the camera rent. I love photography.

52:19Do you know what? I'm going to talk to you about getting into photography. Also, my favourite photographer on earth died yesterday. Very sad, Martin Parr. Oh, yeah, I saw that. I started Photo Explorers after having my two children and finding it hard to get back to work as a fashion photographer. It's grown into something really special, and we've had such lovely feedback from both parents and kids. So if you think your kids would love to join one of our camps or workshops, don't hesitate. Sign them up. You can find us at wearephotoexplorers and www.photoexplorers.co.uk. Thanks to the lols, Harriet.

52:51Great business. I think photography is one of the great underrated art forms. Now, this one, they didn't ask for this, but I've got to give a shout out to the Footworks Clinic in Bristol. Oh, mate. If you need your feet done in Bristol. If you're a little foot squeezer and a little pain maker, then Footworks Clinic. Footworks is an accredited, innovative shiropody and podiatry surgery offering the latest techniques and experience advice to the whole of Bristol and sometimes travelling comedians. Newcomers with glass in their feet that fucked it up. Glass in their feet and venom in their tongue.

53:24I don't know why I gave up on that halfway through. Anyway, they're in Hotwell, so it's close to the city centre, accessible from all parts of Bristol. Full range of treatment. Basically, inquiries at footworksbristol.com, or the website is footworksbristol.com. The lovely Dr. Ruth sorted me out. Thank you very much. They didn't ask for that. I paid for the service. Great guys. But, yeah, if you need anything to do with your feet or nails or verrucas or skin, get yourself to Footworks Bristol. Rob, lovely. Bye.

54:02Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whittacombe here.

54:10I have got a new podcast, Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture. And I'm going to say it, I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics, or politics. I know I do, and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

54:47see above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby, when Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh, The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

55:25Stiffnecks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whittacombe, available everywhere on the 1st of January. you