S11 EP38: Cat Urine Covered Coat

0:28Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing.

0:36Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? What? Bob Beckett, Josh. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh. Say it again. Come here. Say Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Widdicombe? Can you say Producer Michael? Oh. Joe Spire. And what's your name? My name is Five. And how old are you? Five. You're not five. How old are you? Six. No, you're not. How old are you? You can't see. You're not five. You're three. Three. Yeah. Bye-bye. That's a great one. Hall of Famer. Look at that. But did he say shit? No, he said six. He said shit to me. He said six, I think. This is my three-year-old nephew attempting your names.

1:30His Josh Whittacombe almost sounds like Josh Reindeer, which is quite festive. Let's not push it. He only just started talking properly. I thought he said Indian. Josh Windian. I mean, she's misspelled Whittacombe, so let's not throw, you know. There's a fucking mess up there. Where are they, Newcastle? Presumably, by the voice. We're still reeling from the defeat last week. I've been waiting to send this in for ages. I'm a huge fan of listening to the car, and my 11-year-old stepdaughter says, are you listening to your sweary podcast again? She sounds like a fucking snowflake, that kid. That woke idiot.

2:00Yeah. What are we doing here? Not sure why he's lying about his age, assigning the things to come, maybe. Bet you can't guess where we're from, from our broad Yorkshire accents, but it's Leeds. Leeds? Oh, there's a twang of North East there. Yeah. Keep it sexy and relatable. Very tired. Oh, tell me about it. Oh, dear stepmom. Oh, my God. CBA. You read the word tired, then you yawned. No, I was thinking at the start of this record, because we've just done an interview, and with an interview, you kind of, You don't get hit by the tiredness. I am fucking knackered. I did the last leg New Year's show last night.

2:31Oh, happy New Year. I know. Can you believe? I got in the car back at 12.02. At midnight? Yeah. And then where are you at? You're in London still. I've just done a thing for Ladbible. You've worked already today. I've worked already today. We started at 10am. Yeah, I'd already done a video where I ate eight different snacks for Ladbible. What time was that? 9am. Isn't that against your EU human rights law, where you should be 12-hour gap between jobs? Yes, but I am my own employer, and I know I'm not going to sue myself. That's the last thing you need, how busy you are. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I was absolutely exhausted yesterday.

3:07We've come to reasons why, because it's another birthday trip out. I was so tired on the train home from London with my two daughters and then three of my youngest daughter's friends, and I was trapped in the corner of a six-person seat on Southeastern, and they were just screaming and shouting at me and it was busy. And I was so tired. I felt like, you know when your phone gets to 0 %? Yeah. And it just goes, doom. Yeah. And goes to blackness on the phone. I actually thought that was going to happen to me. And then we got home and my head went, I was just like, I've got nothing here. And it was her birthday this morning, my daughter.

3:42At 8.30, I put the kids to bed and I went to Luke. I have to go to bed. Do you know what, Rob? And we're going to talk about elves now. Yeah. So word of warning, if you're listening with your... Yeah. I am in the position at the moment where I'm just like, I want to go to sleep when my kids go to sleep because that's where I am tiredness-wise. Yeah. But I have to stay up because I have to oversee the elves. The worst case scenario. So I'm putting my daughter to sleep, waiting for her to go to sleep, thinking, I'm so desperate to sleep. But then you've got to do elf. I've got to do this fucking elf.

4:17But also Rose has been doing more of them because you've been away as well. So she's doing the larger shift of the elves. I'm having to text Lou at half 11, driving back from Nottingham. Elf, elf, elf. I know. But then I've done a couple. I've done most of them actually because when I'm high. And you're doing two a go. Two a go. Two a go. That's insane. I reckon I've done 70 % of the elves, but when I'm not there, Rose does them. If they're not tag teamed, are they doing separate things each night? They're doing separate things. That is a mental decision. I did one where he was hanging, you know, the rope.

4:45Around his neck. No, it wasn't. That you get from a dressing gown. Yeah. So I hung him from the banister above the stairs, like he was almost hanging below a helicopter with his arm. Yeah. But Rose said it was too dark because it did just look like I'd hung an elf. Right. So it was his hand, not his, yeah. Yeah, but it did just look like I'd murdered the elf. Oh, can I tell you about a disaster I had? Can I big up Lou quickly first? Why, are you in the doghouse? Absolutely not in the doghouse, but I was so tired. And she said, just go to bed. You need sleep. And then she like tidied the whole house.

5:18She put out all the presents for my daughter, decorated for her birthday of balloons, wrapped all the presents. I did actually nothing because I literally couldn't function. And I went to sleep and I slept from 9 p.m. till 6 a.m. when the kids woke me up nonstop. So like nine, 10 hours sleep. And I feel brand new. And Lou saved my week. So thank you, Lou. I appreciate it. Good on Lou. Because we do slag off Rose and Lou, but ultimately without them everything falls apart rose is catching up on the podcast oh yeah and she sent me something you know when you're just like i don't even remember what i fucking said

5:57also i want to pray can i praise rose as well while we're at it yeah when we were recording the other day and i don't know if it went into the show the heating was on really high in your office for some reason because it was on full and it was overwhelming both you look like i fixed it Okay, well, let's not get on to that. But as you went in, your head completely went. But Rose, what a calm presence. Yes, because she wasn't the one who had to sit in there for three hours. But the initial reaction to it, she just was very calm. I was very impressed. And she's very much a calm presence in the house.

6:29Let me repay. No, no, no, let me finish. Let me finish. I can only talk on what I've seen. And I think sometimes you lead me and the listeners to believe that maybe she's sort of as erratic as you. but actually what a calm rock in the middle of a stormy ocean well let me give you a situation i solved and you wouldn't believe this no but that's not what this is about this is about appreciating rose in that moment not i know you offering up another moment where you've been great no but i just thought you'd enjoy this story because it's quite out of character for me okay so the other day normal weekday rose we're getting two big marble tables delivered Right.

7:08I don't know this, but it happens. You didn't know it was coming? No, of course not. Well, that's fine. Two marble tables. I'll be honest. At the time, I wish I hadn't been in, obviously. Why have you got two tables? Like two dinner tables? No, no, coffee tables. Got you. Yeah. And they are fucking heavy. Yeah, they are heavy. But we've got a little one like that and it's just mental. They are, this sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm not, 300 kilos each. Fuck off.

7:41how big's your coffee cup well there you go so it's solid marble it's not like a bit on the top with a frame no no jesus christ so fucking hell are you liberarchi they weren't that expensive i'd say they were you weren't even paying a pound a kilo right wow okay yeah i mean i don't know how much how much are marbles get down there where's your ball drink from the marble factory where you went to so anyway right 300 kilos? Yeah, each. Each? The guy's like, phoned Rose in advance and he's like, I don't think you're going to get this out of the van. Just so you know. He hasn't got like anything to carry.

8:18It's just you would be carrying it as people. No forklift. Well, he's got it in on a forklift. He's got it into the lorry on a forklift. Yeah, because it's in a wooden box. You know, there's forklift boxes. Oh, God. Yeah. And one is on top of the other, which doesn't help matters. 600 kilos. I'm no Rachel Riley. Plus the boxes as well. They've got to be, what, five kilos each? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're looking at nearly three quarters of a ton. Yeah, exactly, yeah. So he gets there. I'm saying to Rose, don't worry. He'll be panicking. Did she know it was heavy? She was like, I'm a bit worried about this.

8:49I was like, honestly, these guys, they always get it in. It'll be fine. It'll just be over panicking. So he wasn't over panicking. There was no fucking way that was moving for love nor money. Yeah. And he's got other deliveries coming down from London. to different parts of the Southwest that are blocked in by the tables. Well, that's good because he needs to work, doesn't he? He can't obviously lift 300 kilos. No. Also, you'd have more of a chance if it was on the ground, not in a van. So you've got to take it down. Is it going to have to be tilted to get through the door or will it get through?

9:26Well, no, because it's marble. Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. That needs to be a strong bridge. Yeah. What are we going to do? Do you know what I did, Rob? I couldn't believe this. Go on. I just Googled forklift truck rental Exeter. Are you working this day or what's happening for you this day? I'd left a last leg Zoom. Right, but you were supposed to be working on a Zoom, but you've left to sort out the marble table delivery. But that went down well in the group chat. Where's the presenter gone? Just organising the marble coffee table delivery. Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not?

10:01You've worked yourself to that position. Why not embrace that? So I phoned up someone. I was like, is there such a thing as an emergency forklift? Yes, there is, but this isn't it. No, no, emergency forklift. This is an emergency forklift. Well, no, it's not an emergency in the real term of emergency. It is to you. Yeah, I suppose an emergency would be someone's been crushed and you need a forklift to get it off. Yeah, that's an emergency forklift. This is a, I really could do with one. Or an immediate forklift. Yeah, you need an immediate forklift. I had one within the hour, Rob. Really? I couldn't fucking believe it.

10:35Within an hour, a guy turned up with a small fortlift truck. And how much was the guy for the hour? Did you have him for an hour of the day? 200 quid. 200 quid. Which, to be honest. It's not bad for a fortlift out of man. You know when you're like in a position where it actually felt like I was making money? Because the thought, like, you know when you're like, this could be anything. Also, great anecdote. And I've got to pay it. If they say, this is a thousand pounds, what can I do? Do you know what I mean? You'd have to send it back, wouldn't you? And then what happens to the tables? We'll have to get it re-delivered.

11:05We wouldn't have got it re-delivered. We'd have still had to pay for delivery. Right. That guy wouldn't have been able to do his other deliveries. Well, really, though, the responsibility is, look, you've done a great job here, with the delivery guy, because they are responsible from getting it off the truck to at least curbside delivery. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Well, if they've got it on with a forklift, how the fuck are they going to get it off without a forklift? I don't know what was agreed, do I? I think the rule of being delivered is not drive the lorry to the front of the house.

11:34No, but it might be. It might be. If it's one delivery driver, they might say, we need people at the place to help us with it. Because if it's one delivery, otherwise they do. Do you know what? No, otherwise you have to pay for more delivery drivers. That's fucking shit, though. It's like me going. Why are you getting angry about a hypothetical situation? Because I've had this before. But it's like me doing a joke. I might need someone to help me with a punchline, actually, because it's quite a hard punchline to do. So can we quickly workshop this when I deliver it? No, we've asked for a fucking joke, mate.

11:59Well, no, because you'd have to pay for an extra driver, wouldn't you? No, but there's curbside delivery. So they can say we won't take it all the way into the house because this is curbside delivery. There's not fucking on-lorry delivery, is there? Well, no, but if they said, would you like to pay for extra? Michael, if you Google the types of deliveries. So it's, for instance, I've had it where it's like, do you want to get one man in a van and you help him or do you want to pay more for two men in a van? Well, it depends who the other man is. If it's you, no. If it's fucking Eddie Hall, the world's strongest man, Get him in the van.

12:28Exactly. Topical reference. Thank you. Is it topical? No. It wasn't the World's Strongest Man years and years ago, Eddie Hall. Yeah, he was. He's still quite famous. Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. And the World's Strongest Man is on over Christmas, so actually. It is. It's a very topical reference. Brian Shaw, would that have been better? Don't know who that is. Jeff Capes is surely the... Oh, yeah. That's the current one, isn't it? Yeah. No, but I mean the most famous. Name a strong man, Jeff Capes. Eddie Hall is more famous than Jeff Capes now. The people that know about Jeff Capes are dying. Who is more famous?

12:54Family Fortunes, right? Name the top 10 world's strongest men or top 10. I wouldn't have even been able to tell you who Eddie Hall was out of context. That's because you've not accepted any information in your brain since 2001. Who is Eddie Hall? The world's strongest man. And he's also famous online. Rob, do you think there's a chance that the fact you did the world's strongest man on Rob and Romesh has skewed your knowledge of the current? And I met him. Yeah, maybe. That might have skewed it slightly. Jeff Cates is a really... Michael, who have you heard of more? Jeff Cates. Maybe he's 45 or whatever he is.

13:26Obviously Jeff Capes, but I do know who Eddie Hall is as well. But you start with obviously Jeff Capes. But Rob, 45, there's a lot of people that are over 30. Yeah. AI says, well, both are legends. Look, what happened with the marble? It worked. What was it called? Forklift. Oh, no, sorry. I thought you were still talking about Jeff Capes and Eddie Hall then. It worked. Oh, sorry. You mean AI? Oh, no, AI said Jeff Capes is more famous, but Eddie Hall's got a big current fame from his 500k deadlift and social media. Yeah. But perhaps less of the general public know about him than Capes because of his televised feats.

14:02It's a generation. I'll tell you what it is, Rob. It's the difference between a monocultural society that we used to live in and the fragmented society of today. Absolutely, where there's sort of cult niche legends in amongst the... Whereas me and you are very interested in, you know, John Bosch or the Ibiza final boss my parents won't know who they are no exactly good reference what is fame oh yes deep question now what is fame what is fame it's just people being aware of you isn't it yeah yeah exactly it wasn't that deep if you've shown a picture of people of yourself or someone that was famous to people they'll go yeah I know they are and if they don't then that's not famous that's what famous yes I bore an answer isn't it anyway yeah I know I I just want to say at one point, I fucking hate, you know, when someone like comes up to you and goes, my mate says you're famous, but I've never heard of you.

14:54That is. So now I go, if someone comes up to me and goes, apparently it's normally in a bar or restaurant, you're famous. I don't know who you are. Now I go, okay, no worries. You don't need to. That's what I do. Yeah. I'll say something like that's best for both of us or something like that. But I used to do a bit of a needily one, you know, like, well, I've got no idea who you are either actually, but now I'm just totally okay. Acceptance. and move on. It's no point. It's more their problem than mine. So tell me about your daughter's birthday, Rob. No, what happened with the marble? You got it in with a fault lift?

15:24Well, no. Because marble can be outside, thankfully. Because we're having the rooms done, but the marble's going... We were like, why are we moving it in there now? So you've just got marble in boxes in your garden. Yeah. You're not worried about burglars? Really strong burglars? Do you know what? Fair play to them. Have it. Clap them off the pitch. Well done. Do you know what? They are more than fucking welcome to it. So you're going to have to get the forklift back to move them? No, I think now they're on the ground, you could get eight strong builders could move that. And shuffle them along, yeah, but just to get them off.

15:56I was quite impressed that you can just order a forklift truck. I do think, though, these delivery people should have had one of those little pump ones. I used to have one I worked at the supermarket. You know, like they've got the two little sticks that go through. Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to use it because it was so high up. Yeah, but then it needs to be sent on a van that then you put it on and it lowers down. Yeah. That delivery system is not fit for purpose. Well. Look, you're not naming them or shaming them. I'm telling you now, if your job is to deliver heavy shit and you haven't got a forklift or a little pump lift thing or a thing that lowers the ground level, then you're in the wrong game.

16:30I think I'm just more easy come, easy go than you, Rob. Do you know what? No, just some people need to tell, but they're not offering a good enough surface, actually. I think so. I just think life's easier if you just chill out and enjoy it. We're going back to that. You was quite relaxed and then you came up with that plan when I said that Rose was calm about the heating. Is that why we started talking about that? Yeah. I was just giving an example. Tell me about your daughter's birthday. Daughter's birthday, I was knackered because this week I'd done Nottingham, Nottingham, but we drove there and back because I went and did Roman Day at my daughter's school.

16:59Oh, yeah. Where I did it a couple of years ago for my eldest daughter. You sit on a stool and you run like a sort of Roman market thing. You dressed as a Roman. Yeah, so I got back at 1am. Same outfit or have you changed your outfit? Just a bit of bed sheet wrapped around me. Toga? Yeah. In this weather? Over my normal clothes. Indoor or outdoor? Indoor. Oh, right, fine. In the hall, toga wrapped around me. I'm physically there, but mentally I'm not really engaging. Can a Roman have a coffee with them? Well, not until the Roman was told by the school teachers it was break and there was coffees at the front.

17:30Right, yeah, yeah. So you couldn't get your own. And are you playing a character? Are you like... No, it's very much an exhausted dad. Are there any of the other parents going, you know, playing on an Italian accent and going, it's a little bit it's a Roman market deal yeah yeah no they weren't doing that but there was a guy leading it who was like in character as like a Roman person is that an educational because it's happened two years in a row so do they do that every year Roman day yeah sort of like they do it for the day and then they but these companies do like they'll do Tudor ones they do so when you're learning about subject at the end of it you'll do a thing then there's those other games going on and he was teaching them how to march and it's not the whole school yeah because there was a day when i think it was like odd socks day or something for my daughter but a different year everyone was dressed as a victorian i suddenly turned up at school and everyone was dressed as a victorian but i had no idea about this because it was a different year so they do a little role play and stuff like that so with the other parents in that situation you're like oh you know or is it a laugh no it is a bit of a laugh you know if because there's some ones you know a bit more and it was quite funny it was good to watch the kids like interacting and stuff but i did leave the hall thinking thank fuck i've only got two kids and i don't ever have to do that again oh so once was the first daughter the next time oh i see once you've volunteered at roman day twice yeah you don't want to go back for your hat trick and is lou volunteering at roman day lou's volunteering at roman day we were on separate stores in a toga as well yeah she's in a toga all right no she's got a bed sheet over do you like it rob well she just had normal clothes on when you went back to the house i can still see her adenola socks

19:35Now we're going to test it.

19:39We got put on this thing where the kids had to mash up olives to get olive oil, pour it in a lamp, and then we had to put a wick in the lamp, and then they were burning olive oil. And the game was like, how long could it burn for? But I've got matches and a fire blanket. I'm like, this is dangerous here. So me and Lou were on that. It seemed very Roman. And there was like five of them at once doing it. And then the idea was, you had to keep mashing it and get them enough juice out of it so that whoever's burnt the longest one, me and Lurid kept no times. And then they kept coming back and going, is that my one?

20:12I was like, oh, no, when your one's burnt out, I just went, how long was mine? And we basically just told a collection of kids six or seven or eight minutes. Oh, that was seven minutes. That was six minutes. And then luckily one of the teachers done it. And we was like, oh, no, she won actually. We're nine minutes. Well, the teacher? The teacher said, oh, can I have a go and see what they're doing? So she did one. And then she did it quite well, obviously, because she's an adult. She's been mashing olives for years. Oh, yeah. She has oil everywhere. so we just lied and said no she's done it yeah i was like is this am i coming into this with the right spirit probably not but you know there was there was corruption in ancient rome as much as there is in the present day rob thank you you're you're really on it today you're a real spin merchant i like it josh can i tell you something that will make you think my life is awful yeah please so i got back late from a gig yeah i wouldn't normally do this but i just left my coat on the floor like a child when i came in because it was like 2 a.m yeah i just walked in the door took off my coat and then walk forward it was on the floor it was on the floor and i just went to bed didn't brush my teeth just was like oh you are a grubby little bastard i'd already been asleep rob you know when you've already been asleep and i was just like fuck this yeah sort of now i would still have to clean my teeth before bed clean my teeth in the morning watch on watch on always although i took my watch off yesterday rob yeah because i take it off for the shower yeah and because i was in a hotel oh no i went to the gym in the hotel why don't you just take it off at night and then when you get up and go in the shower it's already off why are you so obsessed with me not wearing my watch at night it's odd and everyone agrees no i don't care that's fine i'm just saying everyone agreed with hitler in germany it didn't make him right not everyone but just a strong majority unfortunately there's a lot of them yeah yeah i'm glad you had it unfortunately absolutely just to be clear i don't really get involved in politics but when it comes to the nazi fascist regime i'm not a fan send me on news night and i'll defend that oh god on that fucking hell i said something on last leg that's become a meme about paying tax oh yeah it's a very nice thing to say and i agree with it but i don't want that to be me being some kind of i thought that was just the end of your sentence i just don't want that being me and it really struck a chord because there's some days i'm doing things going i don't want this to be me now do you know what i mean i agree with it it was just that if we have to pay a bit more tax for people to come out of poverty that's a positive thing right yeah and that most of the tax stuff was aimed at already rich people in the budget yeah exactly and i'm like i'm happy to admit i'm in that group of people you know it'd be mad for me not to say that i'm within that group of people yeah and i'm happy to pay that extra tax but anyway when it becomes a meme that people are sharing it looks like i'm tax man trumpeting it do you know what i mean and going it's like i'm being a fucking virtue signaller do you know what i mean and i don't i'm not i didn't even put it on the instagram channel four did i would think though ultimately my own demons yeah that's showing demons and ultimately you do think that that's what you think and it's out there who cares what i'd say the internet is like a lion enclosure and there's starved lions and then a bit of meat gets chucked in which is either pro what's going on with the politics or against what's going on politics and all the lions feast on it some are protecting it and some are trying to eat it but ultimately it gets ripped apart they don't care what the meat is they don't care about josh widdakum the person or even josh widdakum the comedian you're just a thing that's been thrown for them to eat it'll get eaten something else will be thrown in so don't give it a second fault no exactly but people keep sending it to me can i just say this and you can mean me about this i've been to places where people live for tax reasons and they are fucking weird yeah everyone doesn't want to really be there everyone's odd and everyone's really bitter about the uk and the only thing they can connect with is their own greed yeah anyway mean that you

24:14so i left my coat on the floor i forgot you were talking about that yeah i left my coat on the floor yeah i got up in the morning i was fucked because i'd like got back so late walk them to school just pick up my coat off the floor well i still wet this coat was it even raining when i came in and then i'm walking to school and i'm like fucking hell this street stinks of piss no what's going on and then i'm like oh my god beryl's pissed on my coat and i'm wearing how did a cat piss on the coat well it turns out she's got a uti yeah but it's a big house i know but i suppose it's comfy or not i don't know so You walk into school in a coat covered in your coat.

25:06And I take it off and I look at it and you can see it. You know how wet is a different colour, so you can see where the piss is on the coat. So then I'm just carrying a coat at like arm's length, like a kind of, you know, if you're carrying back a kind of, I don't know what the example would be, like a pair of old football boots or whatever. And it's a puffer jacket, and I don't know whether you can put a puffer jacket into it. That may be a, it's gone. Do you think it's gone? I feel like with a puffer jacket, the piss has gone in the little gaps of the sewing and it's in the puffer. It's in the squishy.

25:41Yeah, but surely like a proper cleaner. I don't think it's a washing machine job, is it? No, because you'll just all bundle up to one end or the puff. Yeah, exactly. So it's going to be a dry cleaner. Can you wash a puffer jacket? Who knows? Can you wash a puffer jacket? This will make you feel better about that. Yeah. Two things. One, I lost a dog for 40 minutes. Oh my God, you must have felt awful. Yep. It was chasing a deer. Lost it for 40 minutes. I was in this woodland bit and I did a whole lap around the entire woodland bit saying his name. Nothing. So then I went, right, we've got an air tag on it.

26:12On the dog? Yeah, wasn't loading up. So I thought, this is awful. I'm having a complete meltdown panic attack. How had you lost it? Sorry. Well, it was off lead and then it chased a deer. But the problem with deer, whippets have got incredible prey drive when something's moving fast. They're bred to chase squirrels, rabbits, the lot. Yeah, like you. But normally if a rabbit, a fox, a squirrel, they'll either go in a little den, go up a tree or go somewhere small that a dog can't get. With a deer, any bush or gap a deer can get through or whippet can get through. And whippets are really fast and it really scares the deer, right?

26:46And I didn't know there were deer in this woodland anyway. I've not seen them. Well, that's a lie. Last time I left him, let him off in that woodland deer run and chased the deer as well. So it was my fault. I just forgot. So I'm losing my mind completely. Don't know what to do. I've done a full lap now. I think he's not in this woodland. He's followed this deer out of the woodland for a gap in a hedge. And he's either on a road or in another field. Right. Because that's the problem. I walk home, get my other dog and put him in the house so that I can get in the car to try and do like a loop of the area in my car.