S11 EP40: Rich Mans Porridge

0:28Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. There are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing.

0:36Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Evelyn, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good girl, well done. Josh Widdicombe. I loved it. This is my daughter, Evelyn, 28 months attempting your names. Think she did Josh's name really well there. me and my wife started listening to the podcast before we had kids we now have two and have a one-year-old who's still refusing to sleep not sure why we didn't listen to the state josh was in back at the beginning feels like a long time ago doesn't it oh my god decide against it tom emily evelyn evelyn sorry and rosie from for me pound for pound the best most beautiful town or city in the UK?

1:26Where? York. Do you know what? So this is a good question, actually. Me and Lloyd were chatting about this the other day. If you couldn't live in the city you're in, I mean, you've sort of answered this already by moving to Exeter. If you had to live in another city that wasn't all on the outskirts of a city that wasn't London. Industrial state outside Leicester. 100%. So obviously for you, Exeter. Probably Manchester. Really, if you couldn't live in Exeter. But Exeter would be your first choice because it was obviously. or Bristol but I don't know anyone I don't know anyone in Bristol so I can't be bothered I know one person and they're moving so I said York yeah it's beautiful isn't it York it's lovely and I like the people of Yorkshire yeah well let's not push it but um

2:18oh that got me that got me good that got me real good but yeah I also like that if you're in York, you could like go out onto the Moors or you could go to Harrogate or you could, do you know what I mean? And the train to London's two hours. You can get to Newcastle easy and up to Scotland. Do you know what? Let's move to fucking York. What do you reckon Rose would say to that if you wanted to go to York now? Yes. She'd love to do up her house. An excuse for another kitchen. Yeah. Do you reckon you'll stay in this house you're in? I don't think you'll leave Exeter. Well, this is the interesting chat, Rob.

2:53so i in my head i can't ever imagine moving yeah i mean yeah but that's how but it's not your head that makes the decisions is it it is is it i'm driving the car rob from the passenger seat get my meaning no no not really no no you're you're driving rose to a house she wants to live i've not even got those uh pedals that a driving instructor has in case that you go on to a round out but um to be fair you did want to move that wasn't a rose idea but i think i think in five years can i give you another prediction on the house yeah i think in about five years or maybe in seven rose would like to move to a different kind of house that maybe is in a bit more like slightly more rural that's like bigger and you've got like you've misread you've misread that i'd be more likely to maneuver all than her right she wants to get to a coffee shop she wants to be able to go to get get a coffee in the morning and i think that is very central so yes fair enough i stand corrected can i talk to you about the the scene in the local area are on i'm gonna say it rob i'm gonna use this word yeah we're becoming part of the community okay so the scene in the area not the exit scene but the area of exit you're in the area is an enclave what is an enclave i've used a word i don't know what it means better like an area a small area doesn't it yeah Yeah, it sounds good, doesn't it?

4:17But you're in the community. Well, recently, we went for, we dropped our kids off at school and we got to the coffee shop and there was people we knew and we just sat down outside and we had a coffee with them, Rob. Oh, when you chatted, you sat on their table? We sat on an adjacent table that was kind of next to it and we had a lovely chat. Who out of you and Rose is the, if you meet someone that neither of you are more associated with through work or friendship and you meet someone new, say like the neighbor knocks on the door you both answer it and they go oh hi that's an interesting one it's changed yeah in london i was front foot meet all the local people go to the birthday parties meet all the other parents yeah rose was a bit like she wasn't the birthday party person right in exeter it's changed she's much more front foot than me in exeter is that because you're never there?

5:16It's difficult to be front foot from Liverpool. Very much a back foot town. But we had discussions with these people as to whether you see yourself staying in Exeter. Oh, right off the bat. Well, after the kids have left, there is a presumption that people, I didn't want to bring up at the table. Yeah. That I don't think we're all considering that in 2030 or whatever it will, No, it'll be 2040. Yeah. You know, children won't be able to afford to leave in the same way we were. But I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to dampen the mood. Right, but in their heads, when they're 18, they've all got their own flat in London and they can go somewhere else.

5:53Yeah, and you're like, mate, come on. So is there a vibe that people go there because it's a good place to have kids? People go there to bring up their kids, so that's the question. And then leave to go where? Well, most people were saying they wouldn't leave, but one person I've spoken to has said they can imagine themselves leaving. It's the classic thing, Rob, right? Where a lot of parents do it. The kids leave and they want to downsize and use that little bit of money to live their life, isn't it? Yeah. So where did they suggest they wanted to go? More rural or more busy? The people we spoke to outside the cafe were saying they were just going to stay in Exeter.

6:28Now, that was it. Because I think it's perfect. You're basically in your 40s. You move to somewhere busy but not as busy as London that's also nice to the countryside and the seaside. That feels like a perfect place to retire. Some people are thinking, I want a place in London. And I can't see that myself. Back to the smoke for your 60s. I just can't imagine in my 60s going, I need access to the O2 Arena. I'm going to downsize my lovely family home to get a flat in North Greenwich. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I just can't see that happening. No. No, I think you'll be there forever. I do as well. You might move to a smaller house when the kids are grown up.

7:05You don't need to be able to. That's the thing, but people do do that, don't they? And it's an interesting one. My parents did that. And it does make sense. But the effort of moving house is so much. And it costs a lot to move house. So it's got to be really beneficial, hasn't it? Well, I feel like in my experience, my mum and dad sold the family home when my brother Joe, I think was only about, I think he was like, he turned 18 for about 26 minutes and the house was on the market. Yeah, exactly. Classic. Yeah. So because they wanted to downsize, but then they moved an hour and a half away from us.

7:39Right. Which is weird one to do because then they're further away from the grandkids, but then their money would go further down there. Yes. Well, it's Lou's mum and dad stayed in the family home and have been there ever since. And they're a bit closer. Me and Lou speak about this. I'm very keen because I miss our family home we grew up in. And I think it's harder for a family as the kids get older to stay as close and connected if that family home, because that's like the mothership. Yeah. Where all the memories and all the traditions start from. So do you think you're there for the duration?

8:11Me and Lou would like to stay here for the duration. And, you know, we've got a lovely home, but it's not mental. So it's like somewhere we could live in when we're older. What are you doing with your kids' bedrooms in that situation? Did you ever come back to your bedroom when you were at uni? It was quite weird. I mean, they're only eight and nine. It's quite a long way off to plan the room. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. Are you keeping them as a kind of museum to your children? Or are you changing them into spare rooms? I think they would just be, guess that's two spare rooms, and for them when they come back or whatever.

8:45Yeah. But one's got a much bigger room than the other. And we were like, you can swap, but it feels, I feel like as they get older, the one with the smaller room is going to start to get the hump. And then we're going to go, look, it's only fair now that you swap. But then the older, but I don't know, because we have said you can swap if you want. what to both but surely one of them's gonna go well i'm not gonna swap i've got the bigger room yeah but then you go you've had that room for five years let her have it for five years oh i see yeah yeah that's do it night by night well at the moment she's got my bedroom no wonder she's got the bigger room she's in your room the one in the smallest rooms actually in the biggest room now i'm actually in the smallest room so yeah that's that's interesting but yeah i don't think well Because where we are is so perfect because it is quite quiet, but also near London.

9:31So if our kids – because really, your kids are going to go to a city. Well, they might not. The world is so different. The world is – I can't tell you how different the world's going to be in 12 years. Don't talk about AI anymore. I'm just telling you. So we quite like where we are because it's quite well positioned that if the kids are in London, we're still fairly close. Because I want to be very near when they have grandkids. Yesterday, Rob, my daughter comes home. her shoes have got too small no no no her feet have grown that's exactly right no no i put them in the tumble dry oh yeah good god well i told you about that you bloody maverick do you know what i did i said let's just go to the shoe shop and i drove five minutes yeah and we got out yeah and we went to shoot we bought the shoes and we're back within an hour that is exit living sorry i don't i don't understand what you're saying i'm saying that when i was in london yeah you're doing like oh god we've got to go to westfield we've got to drive to westfield oh it's the traffic's gonna be awful and then westfield's gonna be really busy yeah and then so it's probably gonna be hell on earth and then we're gonna get there yeah and then we'll have to queue to get someone who can try on the shoes with us we were like bish bash bosh so where was you in Is that in Exeter High Street, the shoe?

10:50It's in the shopping area, yeah. Yeah, the shopping area. So I think what you're explaining there is suburban living. I don't know, I like it. Yeah, well, because that's what we could do. We'd jump in the car within an hour. We'd drive to an industrial estate or the Glade shopping store. You and your industrial estates. Mate, I love an industrial estate. Easy parking, bish, bash, bosh. You need to have your ashes spread on an industrial estate when you die. Yeah, but I wouldn't be able to pick. How could you pick one? it's easier on your football team, you know, it's actually home ground. You know, when we say stuff on here, I'm sure you're aware of this and people in TV, because understandably they're desperate for ideas at all times.

11:31Yeah. We'll suddenly go, I heard Josh said that. Would he be interested in doing a show about, you know, blah, blah, blah. Right. Yeah.

11:41Rob's industrial states of Britain travel show. Rob Beckett finds the best industrial estates of Britain. Oh, no, It'll be more like a challenge show, like who can spend a grand the quickest or something that all can stay there the longest. These are the ones that are being made at the moment is Rob Beckett loves industrial estates. So he's decided to start his own and it'll be you. And I'm having contract negotiations with beats. And I don't want another sports direct to me. I'm bowling up to Mike Ashley doing banter about big mugs. Yeah. You taking me for a big mug, Mike. I've got to just find a bit of land and then I'm going up to the council because it's on Greenbelt and I want to build a massive next

12:25but that is good isn't it well that's what I used to give you banter about that bit of East London is like a microcosm of hipster where you weren't actually close to anything useful we were close to the Westfield but the Westfield is a fucking nightmare I know it's called Westfield Natalie Cassidy will always Instagram if I call it the Westfield. Yeah, it's just Westfield.

12:52Yeah, so it's difficult, isn't it, to know, would I, I can't imagine moving back, but then as Rose said to me, you couldn't imagine moving here a year ago. So, but do you know what we did say, Rob? What? The amount of time we don't spend now that we used to spend on Rightmove, imagining what it would be like to move yeah we used to spend hours you've only been in two months i'd say it'd be a huge red flag if you were looking now well yeah i think rose though will get this place done and then would want to go again because she enjoys the process of doing up a house it's not happening no i know it may not be happening but i do i think that is something you're going to have to constantly be um what's the right word you were going to use the word manage there but then you caught yourself because you didn't want to offend rose Yeah, something that I think you might find.

13:42Something that's going to be a constant in your life is where I'm thinking this is a nice one. I bet you£1 ,000. That you never move again. That we never move again. I'll take that bet now. Okay. £1 ,000, you'll never move again. You'll die in that house. But how do I get the£1 ,000? Because I'll be dead. No, no, you will move before then. No, but if I don't move. You're definitely, you will not die in that house. You will move. I might die tomorrow. Okay, well done, you. And I want you to hand over 1 ,000 sweet big ones. And I'll turn up at your funeral. See, Rose, give her a grand. Plus my life insurance.

14:14I'm going to fucking clean up. Imagine that being played in court. All the laughs. And then they have to stop laughing. I know it's a great pod, but you do have to listen to the words. It's really good now with Rob and Romesh. It's gone from strength to strength. Rom, how are your kids? He's 28, Rob. Yeah, I know, but this is still going to just fucking dig something out.

14:40fucking scratch around mate

14:44oh um josh um michael messaged and just said that he has bought the underarmour pants i recommended and your sun spell pants you recommended and he's going to try them on for our newly visualized podcast of the new year i don't know michael have you worn them yet or they just arrived what's happening what's happening downstairs so i have worn and used both the sun spell and the underarmor fresh out of the box washed them both i've worn the sun spell again washed i'm yet to wear the underarmor a second time okay well what's interesting about this is i i think i start as the underdog because i'm basically pushing for a total rebrand of the michael genital area whereas yours is i just have a refresh yours is like evolution and mine is revolution.

15:32Absolutely. But, you know, good revolutions should be, you know, dynamic and come out the blue. Exactly. Yeah, I'm looking forward to the total rebrand of Michael's genitalia. It's quite archaic what's happening down there with the sun spills. What do you mean? The big baggy flag pants. I can't believe that these are a viable option in 2020. Oh,

15:56this is great. I bought two pairs like I've recently had to accept that I'm an XL in a standard box of short you know chunky thighs I've spent five weeks away I've eaten a lot of food there's a bit more around the midriff so I was like I'll get a larger than extra large because it's not fair if they're a bit snug on the review you're no fucking worried with the suns are they big? you're basically wearing a Victorian bed sheet I love it there is no as well not be wearing boxer shorts. Exactly. There's no structure. There's no structure. Free and easy, man. So what's he like with them on down there, Michael?

16:37My plan was I played football on a Friday morning. I was going to wear one pair for each half of that. I played the first half in the Under Armour. Absolutely fine. No complaints. Did exactly what they need to. These aren't a sports boxer. They're a casual boxer. They're not a 2025 boxer. They're the fucking sales for the HMS victory more than they are a boxer shorts. you can do the island yacht race yeah it's mad anyway first half Under Armour no complaints not dissimilar to Lululemon it's just a really solid piece of kit yeah boring tedious tedious genitals come out of second half so I put the go in the first half change into the sun spell this was the large pair I should add god knows what would happen if I'd have worn the extra

17:27and a t-fo in your pants so i had shorts on and these underneath right so first of all i don't know whether you've ever at night when you've come back you've had a few drinks you've taken your sort of trousers off and you've sort of taken another piece of clothing off with it like boxer shorts or socks or something and then in the morning when you get up to get dressed you don't realize like there's a boxer short already stuffed in the leg of a trouser or something yeah the classic. Oh, I once had that at school. A pair of boxer shorts come out the bottom of my trousers. Nothing worse. But this is what that's like all the time.

17:59There's so much excess material. Do you run in them, Josh? Yes. How do you wear a pair of jeans? How do you wear anything with these underneath? It just folds up all over you. What do you mean? This could not have gone better. I'd stand by it. You'd have to stand by it. It's holding you up. But you run in them, Josh, with shorts. Yeah, but I've got those supporting shorts. What do you mean? With the interior pant. You wear that over the pants or just with no pants? Yeah, over. That's fucking mental. What? No, no. So, you know, like the inner lining, like it's sort of like an inner pant. Yeah. You pull that over your boxers.

18:42Yeah, fine. What? It's insane. You fuck Norman Bates. Why is that Norman Bates? The whole point of that short that's got the inner lining for swimming is that it keeps everything together and you can run so you don't need to wear pants. I know, but the general consensus is I'm often, I want to get more than a day out those shorts. You are a grubby little bastard. No, I'm not. That's a good thing. I'm not getting the shorts dirty. No, you shouldn't be wearing shorts twice if you've run in them. What, shorts? Yeah, they're all dirty from your arse. You're just going off. It's just going off another run.

19:19I can't believe... I would change t-shirts straight away. It must look like a ruff around your legs. Michael, it's his mental, isn't it? Well, not around my legs. But then like a wide front, like stitched into the shorts. You're pulling that over a big baggy pair of sunspill pants. Yeah. That's really... And it's all pulling up. I love it. And I'd recommend it to all and sundry. So are you going to convert to Under Armour from your basically identical pants? Well, no. What's the review of the pants when you're not doing sport? like just day to day with jeans what's your sun spell thoughts and what's your underarm thoughts so then on the saturday which is the day after i was just at home all day just doing bit life admin washing all that stuff i decided to wear each of them in that environment far more comfortable it's a closer test that's better test here obviously the sun spell performed a bit stronger but i will still say there is no structure there's no safety whatsoever that's what you're looking That's why I'm there.

20:16That's like saying, here, I listened to the classical music, but there was no lyrics. That's what it is. It's a matter of taste. It's a matter of taste. You can't. But your balls could just fall out. It's like comparing a book to a movie and going, there wasn't enough actors in the book. I personally found them quite exposing. Yeah, that's my problem with those. Do write in if you think your partner's got awful underwear. and what is it you don't like about them yeah and what is it you don't like and let's maybe just do like people talking about men rather i hate the i hate the bra she wears and her ass looks shit in those knickers there might be more of it and can i say generally big fan of sunspell as a brand i have a lot of their t-shirt i love their t-shirt great lovely clothes if sunspell want to send me some clothes i'll take them not the pants though they disgust me got in t-shirts or jackets knocking about old spelly son send him the i'll take the pants okay i've got a thing with rose right go on let's see if she's listening to the podcast because she hasn't mentioned the podcast in quite a while i think she's i think she's gone full rest is history i think she prefers dominic and tom to us she's tapped she's tapped out she's tapped out we don't talk enough about elizabeth the first right but let's see if she's listening rose is stronger than me yes we know this that is without doubt i think she for someone who's stronger than me yeah i think i do more of the carrying with deliveries than she does i think she's got a tendency to go missing when a delivery arrives now is that because she doesn't want the social interaction with the delivery person i don't know but if you're the stronger member of the family i think if you're spending money on personal training heavy things on getting stronger oh she's still getting stronger or at least maintaining her strength and you're not doing any training well i you go for panicked runs when you haven't got enough time yeah yeah exactly which isn't helping no um i think you have to step up when when there's a when there's a big item being delivered look let's see what she says see what she says do you ever um do you ever play fight no so like tickle each other on and roll around and then just sort of like have a wrestle with each other no should we ever well we and lou sometimes doing but do you yeah but you don't ever do that and then does it head where i think it's gonna head what to sex raw animalistic action no it'd be more like sort of winding each other annoying each other and then it'll be like it'll escalate we're like she'll tickle me i tickle and then it'll be like, we'll have to play fire.

22:57And then it's more tickling. Maybe I need a divorce. We've never done that. No, but if I get tickled, I can go into like this hyper mental manic laugh, which is like - Is that you having sex? No, no, no, that's me laughing. But it's like, I'm so ticklish, I'll go into a massive laugh that's uncontrollable and it ends in like a, and I literally can't control it and it actually hurts my body, the noise I'm making. And then I can stop and it calms down. but then Lou and then she'll hold me down doing that and then the kids will start tickling me but they do it because yeah boys I make so funny and they find it hilarious how mental I go so yeah from that but then it's when in the play fight Lou's quite strong but I feel like it's sort of I'm maintaining a level where Lou's going at me full full pelt yeah I'm never going full pelt because I would be stronger so I was just wondering if you ever play fight if Rose is holding off no no no no we don't play for it you should have a little play fight and test yourself and see if you are stronger.

23:55Well, I know I'm not. I think I'm always too tired. I don't know. Listeners, do you ever play, fight, or tickle each other with your partner? Yeah, I don't know. No, I don't. Worried now. Worried? Well, yeah, we don't have to play, fight. I don't know. If you're happy and enjoying a relationship, I wouldn't introduce it. If you've been wanting to for years. No, I haven't. No. Do you tickle each other? No, I don't like being tickled. Do you touch each other? Not as much as we used to. But I reckon give it five to ten years and we'll be back in the game. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. We're all over each other.

24:32Sickening. We should be getting off of each other on the train. Yeah. Right, should we do some correspondence? Yeah. We've got some correspondence. Do you want a boomer parenting? Yeah, you do that and I'll do a custom service job revenge. Boomer parenting. Morning, Rob and Josh. I thought I'd share a boomer parenting story of mine dating back to the 80s. I've come from what is now called a blended family. There we go. consistent of me, my sister, a stepbrother and a stepsister. We're all pretty close in age and got on well. We would have been 11 to 13 years of age when this particular event regularly took place.

25:03On Sundays, our parents would put us all in the back of the car and we were blindfolded. They would drive us to a mystery location, usually around three miles from home, drop us off, then tell us to find our way home. What? They would leave us with 10p in case we needed to call them, but invariably there was never a phone box in the remote locations they left us. That is mad. It wasn't until I was in my 20s when it occurred to me that my parents did this so they could have some alone time, which really grosses me out. Oh, dear. For Christine then in Northamptonshire, now in London. What are they thinking?

25:34They're like, oh, they'll make them grow up and have an adventure. Yeah. But I think they need to be on board with that rather than it just grow up. Yeah, yeah, that's not ideal. No. I wouldn't do that for a bunk-up, would you? Well. Also, three miles. I could leave them 100 metres up the road and I'll be finished by the time they got home. hello amazing podcasters i've been listening since my son was born 20 months ago and have loved all the stories and laughs my tale of customer service revenge was 19 years ago in fact it was thursday the 18th of may 2006 do you know what that date means rob thursday the 18th of may 2006 might have a guess here as well oh it's something to do I don't mean more to Rob, but Michael will be aware of this event as well.

26:18Okay, 2006, 18th of May, 2000. Is that Arsenal winning something? No, we didn't win anything in 2006. You lost the Champions League final to Barcelona that night. Oh, yeah. Where were you, Rob? 2006, I would have been 20. I think I was just at uni then. Uni. So, back then I worked at a famous London train station on the platform, you could name it but fine uh safely dispatching trains and providing customer service in the middle of the pm peak a man wearing a t-shirt that proudly said tottenham division of the barcelona fan club came up to me and asked where the next train was to their home station tottenham division of the barcelona oh that's a spurs fan because yeah because they're playing barcelona in the champions league fun gotcha i said this one here is about to leave he jumped on the train and I smiled to myself as I watched him depart on it, knowing it was a fast service to a station miles away on a completely different route.

27:23Made me feel so much better about the previous night's loss. I like that. Big fan of that. Because I did notice a lot of Tottenham fans started wearing like Tottenham hats and Tottenham tops when they won Europa League the next day on the school drop. Well, there you go. People that never mentioned football to me at all. I had their little Tottenham. They've safely been put away in the cupboard though this season. Oh, here we go. Would you like a traumatic flying solo as a child? Oh god, yeah, we've had a few of them, haven't we? Yeah. Happened to a lot of them. When I was 11, I went to stay with my grandparents in America, Fort Lauderdale to be exact.

27:58Florida, is that Florida? My parents dropped me off at the boarding desk at Keithrow Airport and my grandparents were going to meet me at the other end. Just like Josh, I was assigned an airport assistant who took me to the gate where I waited until boarding. I was then taken to my seat, and I remember the attendant being really attentive. They checked on me regularly and made sure I had food, etc. About five hours into, oh no, into the nine-hour flight, we hit heavy turbulence. Bearing in mind this is only my second time on a plane, I'm 11, and I'm alone. The lights were flickering. The plane was lurching up and down.

28:31Oh my God. Grown adults were actually screaming, and I genuinely thought I was going to die. It was, and still is, one of the scariest moments of my life. To make matters worse, when I finally got off the Death Trap plane, my grandparents were not there to pick me up. Oh, God. This was in the days before mobile phones. I was left sitting in the airport arrivals lounge for what felt like hours, too afraid to ask anyone for help. How old is she? 11. So she's just been pushed out of arrivals and sat on a bench at 11 on her own? Is she in arrivals? She's in the airport arrivals lounge. I don't really know what that is.