S12 EP10: Ray Bradshaw

6:47Ray Bradshaw:It's a horrible image. I don't know if a video is going to help us or make people go, do you know what? I don't like it. They are vile. I don't like watching them. They're disgusting.

6:57Josh Widdicombe:It's Ray Bradshaw.

6:57Ray Bradshaw:It's like having sex but catching a reflection in a mirror. I'm enjoying this but now I've seen it, I hate it. It's Ray Bradshaw.

7:05Josh Widdicombe:So you've come to them today. Yeah. What time was your train? Yeah, I got the half-five train. Have you started the show?

7:12Ray Bradshaw:Yeah, I like to talk my way in. Yeah, yeah, so I got there. No, but you've started the show like you're a lonely pensioner on the train next to a very busy man that is now I wouldn't say he's very busy no I'm not that busy he's travelled down from Glasgow

7:24Josh Widdicombe:to do a fucking podcast he's a busy man

7:26Rob Beckett:I've got to say one other thing one other thing we know what it is you're not busy it's weird it's weird isn't it he's very busy

7:33Ray Bradshaw:right he's got he's got to sell out the armadillo in Scotland yeah how many tickets yeah

7:37Rob Beckett:3 ,000 tickets is it yes 3 ,000 it's mad like I'm mainly doing it because my mate's daughter was slagging me because of money yeah because of money of course yeah yeah why do you think I'm here my mate's daughter was slagging me because she did her dancing display there and I'd never done a gig there. Amazing. So I was like, I think I could do the Armadillo. So you're going to finish

7:55Josh Widdicombe:with the dance? Do you know? Get her out.

7:57Rob Beckett:I thought about it, but I've got, do you know how, see when you do a tour show, you need a big ending? Yeah. I'm struggling for that just now. Yeah, I've struggled for that for five tours.

8:06Ray Bradshaw:I'm going to let you and see, I've just accepted I don't have a big ending. Yeah. What do you do? Oh, I just, can I scurry off ashamed at every tour? I don't bow. I don't bow. I tried a bit and I thought I was such a prick

8:18Josh Widdicombe:no I do a kind of a substitute that's maybe coming you know like a guy coming off cross yourself physical maybe a player that's come back from injury but he's been brought off after 60 minutes so you're applauding the crowd

8:32Rob Beckett:are we with are we with do you know what I might do that's dignified you know the cop

8:38Ray Bradshaw:all the football managers do that now they run up and they go imagine doing that

8:43Rob Beckett:after you've died at Cambridge Corning Extreme Imagine That was two months ago Anyway That's exciting Have you got kids? Yes I've got one boy Who is six And my wife is pregnant Just now So I've got another one On the way Congratulations When is the baby due? This is horrific timing For someone who works Extensively in Scottish football The baby is due On the first day Scotland play Haiti In the World Cup Oh wow And were you planning On going out there? Yeah Are you going out there? My wife is very sound But I don't know

9:13Ray Bradshaw:How much can I can I basically one I'm going to break it in now you can't go to the world car but I'm not accepting that yet

9:21Josh Widdicombe:so this is the bar maybe if you got to the latter stages yeah come on Josh we'll have a laugh here

9:25Ray Bradshaw:that you're going to have to deal with when the time comes if the baby comes early you can maybe get to the latter stages but I think the baby coming sooner may be more likely than Scotland to get into the later stages do you think

9:37Rob Beckett:yeah if you want an idea of how sound my wife is on her due date with her son Alex I was supporting Frankie Boyle in Aberdeen and I phoned her and I was like do you think the baby's coming she's like no I think I've got another couple of days so you can stay tonight and do the gig the next night and then I drove home and then she went into labour not coincidentally yeah really it's like sound so maybe get away with it but you're not going to America no I don't think so but I'll say I'm abstaining on human rights reasons that's what I'll do yeah yeah of course take the moral standpoint and is that with America or Haiti

10:09Ray Bradshaw:Both of them Can I ask on that They'll be able to watch the World Cup You can take shifts of the baby Late at night This is what I'd suggest Say why don't you I go to bed now And get a couple of hours in And then you hand the baby to me At about 11pm When the second game kicks off

10:27Rob Beckett:I think it'll be very obvious

10:28Ray Bradshaw:And then you do the night

10:29Rob Beckett:It's going to be the greatest period Of night feeds of your life But it's going to look suspicious When I've got William Wallace face paint Trying to be the baby Get the baby on formula straight

10:38Ray Bradshaw:right away. Breast is best, but not if there's an opportunity to bottle feed a baby during the World Cup.

10:42Rob Beckett:My wee voice got it because he is a huge football fan. But were you going to take him? He was asking, yeah. He's been in a few Scotland games. Can I ask,

10:50Josh Widdicombe:when you, were you, I don't want to get too graphic, did you think about it when you were having sex? No, we did IVF,

10:59Rob Beckett:so we did five rounds of IVF, so this was like a Hail Mary threw at the wall. Yes, actually,

11:04Ray Bradshaw:the pregnancy is a lot more important

11:05Rob Beckett:than the football Josh. Sorry about it, mate. I was like, but there was one.

11:09Ray Bradshaw:How'd you feel now, actually?

11:10Josh Widdicombe:He's been through round five rounds of IVF, actually. I feel like that's something he could have timed even better. Well, they delayed it. They delayed it by two months. Oh, no.

11:18Rob Beckett:So, originally, it was going to be in the middle of my tour. And mentally, I was like, that's great. I could pull some shows. Yeah, yeah, ideal. Whereas now.

11:24Josh Widdicombe:No one can complain you've pulled a show when you've, sorry, my IVF baby's being born. You want me to still come to Cambridge Corn Exchange? It's always Cambridge Corn Exchange.

11:32Rob Beckett:It's always Cambridge Corn Exchange. But, yeah, my wee boy, so. How old is he now, sorry? He's sexed, so he's sexed.

11:38Ray Bradshaw:Oh, that would be an amazing trip if you could do it. Yeah, he's re - And you're not doing it. If the baby comes early. No. So, I was talking to my dad about this. I would push an elective cesarean. Fucking hell, well. Is that too much? Sorry, is that too much? You're not on the have a word pod, Rob. What's going on? Should I do the public apology now? That was a joke, actually. That was definitely a joke. It would be Andy, and you could take the six-year-old away for a week and let her time to bond with the baby.

12:09Josh Widdicombe:Rob, you've not experienced the aftermath of a cesarean? Me? No. No, so actually that's worse.

12:16Ray Bradshaw:It's so bad.

12:19Josh Widdicombe:So basically what you were suggesting there is someone undergoes a major operation and then you leave them with a baby even though they can't stand up. Well, I tell you what, well done 1-1 after the obvious.

12:30Rob Beckett:You've just caught the fans as you walk off. No, that would be too much. So I was born squirming. I was born So my mum went to Glasgow Garden Festival It was a big cultural thing And there was a fireworks accident And a guy got his leg blown off So this is how you were born? Yeah so my mum saw it And went into labour Oh my god I was born 26 minutes later So my dad was like Why don't you buy some fireworks? Let's see what you can do And I was like No let's read it in a little bit So have you ever met the guy? No so I've actually never talked about it on stage I'm talking about it in this tour And I was like Trying to Google to find him I don't know So that was in 1988 Is he okay?

13:05Josh Widdicombe:No he's he has the last leg

13:09Ray Bradshaw:oh god so you were you were born in trauma yeah at least we know but enough about Glasgow am I right well yeah come on

13:17Rob Beckett:come on come on I'm not taking that from the south west the man that's travelled from Exeter at 6am 7.54

13:24Josh Widdicombe:thank you very much luxury

13:27Rob Beckett:no I I had tons I was speaking to my mum and dad about so my mum and dad about deaf so I got learning sign language I'm learning sign language so I was speaking to mum and dad about my childhood because the weirdest thing is I don't remember any of it because it's so normal whereas like now my son is going to my mum and dad's house and he's learning sign language yeah yeah so you're both your parents deaf yes my dad's born deaf he only signs and then your mum's hearing went with the fireworks as well yeah yeah that's fine is that okay thank you I would have been born quicker if she could have heard them so that's the rumour so she no she lost her hearing when she was 14 months old through measles so my mum lit reads and speaks so I would get that

14:03Josh Widdicombe:so how did they end up together

14:04Rob Beckett:Mad story My mum was at the deaf club Like deaf social club My dad's an identical twin My Come on mate

14:13Josh Widdicombe:This is I swear to god We're not here for like Some Ross Noble thing

14:18Ray Bradshaw:I didn't think he was a fucking whimsy

14:20Rob Beckett:My uncle was chatting her up And went for a piss And my dad Took over Wow And where's your uncle now? Both are deaf Both are deaf Both born deaf The only way you can tell apart This is what my dad always said So you can't Throw me shit on it Monko they're identical twins Monko lives in Essex he's got half a thumb he fell off a roof and he lost the top of his thumb fucking hell these stories it's like 999 Michael Burke but my dad always says Monko's got a speech impediment because of his half a thumb which is such a nice line such a nice line because of the sand land yeah yeah thank you for explaining it yeah

14:53Ray Bradshaw:some listeners wouldn't yeah I just basically squirt that across the line yeah yeah thank you across the line I booed it in the net yeah

15:01Josh Widdicombe:so so your mum and dad was there any thought that you might be deaf

15:06Rob Beckett:no because mum doesn't have deaf DNA but your dad my dad does yeah so you kind of need this is a generalisation you need both of them to be a bit they thought I was so I'm the middle kid I've got a brother and sister they thought I was deaf for like the first few days yeah but I just was just lazy yeah yeah my mum went home and smashed plates next to my head and I would cry oh my god like a great letter and she was like he's not deaf and they took me back in and then that's why so how did you learn to speak so I was actually talking to my mum about this My mum told me a story The other day That is the funniest thing She's ever said to me So I generally When I was a kid My gran and grandpa So my mum's side of the family They're all hearing So I spent a lot of time there And then I went to speech therapy Annoyingly My brother and my sister didn't It was just me And then My mum was saying I was like Was there anything else you did To help me develop And my mum was like Oh the speech therapist Recommended that we put a radio In your bedroom each night So you could hear language Skills All that kind of stuff And I was like Oh did you notice a difference And my mum went Oh we couldn't tell If it was on a station she was like we were just putting it in each night so it was like the original My Hummy just white noise wow so that was yeah so

16:11Ray Bradshaw:it must be hard for them as parents to go like double checking the kind of stuff you're watching or listening to if it's appropriate or not yeah I remember

16:17Rob Beckett:I just trust you yeah I remember being able to listen to tons of rap and stuff like that when I was like 19 it must be funny

16:22Ray Bradshaw:having that full blast all the swear words your mum and dad just pottering around doing the dishes doing the hoovering cutting them out not even noticing and I've pulled the plug

16:30Rob Beckett:out in the hoover so they can hear it so I can hear the music

16:32Josh Widdicombe:And so with the sign language, because when a kid's brought up bilingual, they'll just pick both up straight away.

16:40Rob Beckett:Yeah, I don't remember learning signing. I remember being about seven or eight and going into school and signing someone and they didn't sign back. I remember thinking that's weird. Whereas now watching Alex, my son, so he was born end of 2019, so all the way through lockdown, he couldn't really see mum and dad. So when lockdown stopped, he would go to my mum and dad's one day a week just so he could spend time in the house and pick up sign language. and it was amazing watching it he picked it up so good you just inculate quite a lot even when you're not signing

17:07Ray Bradshaw:you look like sort of an Italian defender remonstrating with the rest so many similarities just like that the whole time well you're not signing obviously but you're just so used to your hands being involved in the conversation

17:18Rob Beckett:yeah so I've started using a headset mic on stage oh yeah alright McIntyre I know I know because you finish

17:24Ray Bradshaw:with a dance don't you yeah yeah my river dance I've got to keep

17:26Rob Beckett:my hands down obviously it's because I just move my hands and one show I did I signed my whole show and that was really difficult like signing and speaking at the same time so how did that work it didn't really it was like is the timing different yeah so like the first 20 minutes was like a voice over and I would sign along to it and then so if I got heckled I was fucked right and then the second 20 minutes I filmed myself interpreting myself so I had to stick to like a script and then the last 20-30 minutes I could sign the speech it's that when Phil Collins used to play the drums and sing

17:56Ray Bradshaw:yeah just pick one

17:58Rob Beckett:did you read my tutorial review

17:59Ray Bradshaw:this is word for word you performed at a full gorilla scene and so that

18:06Josh Widdicombe:and so your son's just picked it up

18:08Rob Beckett:yeah so he'll go down and like he could sign pretty much before he could speak so he would sign a lot of them because kids do sign language

18:17Josh Widdicombe:before speaking you can do that that thing where the kids will pick up sign language Tumble's all over innit oh I hate Tumble man you hate Tumble stepping on your fucking territory

18:27Rob Beckett:imagine watching a guy signing who's more successful than you every day it's brutal don't watch TV late at night there's loads of them man you talk to John if he can do it as well can't he yeah so John was learning when we were on tour together and it was fascinating watching him because he made it look harder than anyone ever

18:44Josh Widdicombe:so his son is deaf

18:45Rob Beckett:his son is losing his hearing yeah so there was a documentary that he did on ITV and yeah so he was learning we did a gig so it was me him and like four deaf stand ups and we did a gig on ITV it was really good fun

18:57Josh Widdicombe:I saw that yeah it was a brilliant documentary it was mad to do and what's the sound like in that because like when we have Rose Ailing Ellis on Last Leg a lot and that and when she that's clapping isn't it rather than

19:11Ray Bradshaw:well so you're waving your hands for the listeners yeah yeah oh yeah sorry yeah sorry are the people

19:17Josh Widdicombe:still listening to this what is it 2023 everyone stop listening

19:20Ray Bradshaw:we just do this to keep you out of the house Rose is paying me and Brave directly Spotify just do it as a favour it comes under their charity work

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21:00Josh Widdicombe:So is there Do you get laughs in the same way?

21:03Rob Beckett:Yeah there's time delays as well So now I've got an interpreter Every show I do So they will get laughs Maybe slightly ahead of you Slightly before Because they know the show The weirdest one I ever had Was in Bedford where Don't know how What was that? The Quarry Theatre or something like that So all the deaf people sat on one side And all the hearing people sat on one side just coincidentally because they were all chatting it was unreserved seating so they could just go and it was like you know when your headphones will make a noise on one side and that bit so you were getting laughs at different points you were doing it in stereo yeah

21:33Ray Bradshaw:that's the word I was looking for it was so hard to do so hard yeah because I had someone doing sign at my Bristol gig is it called doing sign? yeah was it a ball game? yeah why not yeah the guy Romesh yeah Romesh used to teach I think so funny people come to me go Romesh used to teach me and it is like an old man and I'm like fucking how old's Romney? Or how young was he? And yeah so you could see different pockets in the crowd but there was a slight different energy because when you're doing it some are watching the sign language and some are listening to you and stuff like that so it's hard to sort of gauge and I imagine a direct spit down the middle

22:10Rob Beckett:is impossible. The worst for me is because I know sign language sometimes a deaf person will heckle me and they'll just sign at me and you so do you have the lights up? Relatively not as pitch black as I usual would but maybe a bit more and the worst one is it happens but that's so hard because no one else knows they're doing it so I repeat back to the hearing audience what they've done and they deny it and it looks like I'm bullying a deaf person it's so annoying it's happened quite a few times do you know what I saw once

22:36Ray Bradshaw:which was like one of the strangest situations there was this I was in Butlins and a stag do and there was a group great start to story a classic Beckett story and there was a group of deaf lads right which I don't know if they were like a social club or whatever or if it was coincidence Or a sports team. Or just got on at the bar there inside. Anyway, there were about eight of them, and they're all getting on. And then one of them started having a row with the other one. And obviously, basically, there's no volume. So in a pub, normally, a row is louder. You want all that. And stuff. So they were signing quicker.

23:03Ray Bradshaw:I saw that. That was because they were frustrated. Faster and bigger. Faster and bigger. Right? And I was like, oh, hang on. This feels like it's kicking off, but it doesn't, in the traditional sense. And then they started having a fight. And then they got thrown outside. And then I was outside at that point when they were all just fighting, like just lads drunk. and watching a fight in silence there was no screaming and shouting it was quite sinister

23:26Josh Widdicombe:it's almost more visceral and raw

23:28Rob Beckett:you know when Batman beats people up in silence it was like that I remember playing, so my cousin is deaf and I played for his football team a couple of times and the dressing room is silent apart from farting that's all you hear and they all think they're getting away with it yeah it's mad doing it But my dad, see if my mum and dad are arguing. So I thought my mum and dad were happily married and then had my son. You find out those wee passive-aggressive things. If my mum and dad are arguing, my dad feels he's losing. He just shuts his eyes. He's like, I really can't see the signing. It's genius.

24:01Rob Beckett:Oh, brilliant.

24:01Josh Widdicombe:And so do they have a totally different social life? Yeah. They kind of exist in almost a different social circle. Mum and dad are different.

24:10Rob Beckett:So my mum is like a social butterfly. She teaches people who've lost their hearing how to lip read. She teaches sign language. she's done all that kind of stuff so she has lots of hearing and deaf friends my dad mainly has deaf friends so he'll every Thursday so he's 73 now every Thursday he goes to the Deaf OAP club and he goes and hangs out with like 60 of his pals bingo's big bingo is huge is it? yeah

24:30Ray Bradshaw:what was your dad doing or in the deaf community? deaf community not just my dad

24:33Rob Beckett:yeah yeah yeah he's the foxy bingo guy but he just does a voiceover in sign language but yeah so there's that and then I love watching my son interact so like my wee boy is frighteningly clever like he's got we think well he's teachers and we think he's got a photographic memory so he is really confident and

24:51Josh Widdicombe:so what does that mean

24:53Rob Beckett:that he's got a photographic memory so he from the age of four if you show him any country just the shape he'll name it woah so like I've ever

25:01Josh Widdicombe:and did part of you go what the fuck is going on here so you're going to have to show it once and it's lodged

25:05Rob Beckett:kinda yeah and like he remembers everything I don't think I could do any except for it he was slagging me off the other day because I didn't know how to spell Kurdistan on it we do worldal so it's like wordal No world So it's a country shape Every day Right And so you get six guesses to go Yeah So like It comes up So the first one we ever did I put it on a story Online Because it came up And he was like Gabon And I was like Wow He's four right And I go How do you know that And he was like Oh because that's the gap For Equatorial Guinea And I was like What the fuck You used to eat coal Out the fireplace What is happening And yeah So he remembers things All the time So tell me What's going on there then So I think He watches a lot of YouTube

25:45Josh Widdicombe:I love that question yeah

25:46Rob Beckett:such a loaded question no but like

25:48Josh Widdicombe:I just like

25:49Rob Beckett:what does that mean so he like he was reading a poem for school because it's coming up when we recorded this it's coming up for Bernsday and if he reads it a couple of times he just he's got it he's got it yeah yeah and like he now he's getting really into football now so he's memorising old footballers he yeah so we do world the weirdest one we did right and has he got other things that he's really good at

26:11Josh Widdicombe:or is it literally like he's just got this one thing it's stuff he's seen

26:14Rob Beckett:he can read really well the stuff he's seen and like we were so it's been 1st of April last year so my brother lives in America he was back with his wife and their son and we were doing world Alex likes to show off he's like look what I can do because he realised I remember he's got your DNA yeah he's a showman we were in a pub and the guy next to us our local pub the guy was like oh I'm really good at jog free as well because we were playing like a card jog free game and Alex went okay and the guy went oh we'll have a flag competition and the first flag came up and my wee boy went Eswatini and then the guy was like yeah we'll leave it there that's what I was done but yeah so it's the 1st of April he was like world will come up and he's like that's weird that's the Roman Empire and I was like no no it's countries and he was like no that's the Roman Empire and then we clicked it in and it was like April Fills you got us that was the Roman Empire and all of us in the room were like we need to monetise this somehow it's incredible yeah

27:09Josh Widdicombe:it's not a bad thing and so what do his teachers say about stuff like that like does it make it so easy for them? He's pretty quick at like reading and maths and stuff like that just now, yeah. Were you good at school?

27:19Rob Beckett:I was alright. Your family,

27:21Josh Widdicombe:they've either missing something or they've got something extra. Every story you tell, someone's got a different... Maybe,

27:29Rob Beckett:it's like, what's that Smallville where everyone's got like a superpower and we don't know it yet and everyone's just kind of like... Again,

27:35Josh Widdicombe:you don't realise how weird your family are until you speak it out loud. And so is he, does that help him with sign language then?

27:40Rob Beckett:Little bit. But a sing language is kind of similar with anything, that the less you do it, the harder it gets. So if he doesn't see my mum and dad for a bit, because kids like, he's got football, he's got all that kind of stuff, so swimming. So he needs to kind of go see them and do it. And he would always come back when he was younger from mum and dad with maybe three or four signs from that day,

28:01Ray Bradshaw:and he would remember them all. Well, it must be frustrating for them if he can't remember certain words to sign at them and he knows the shape of the Roman Empire. Are you putting your art into this?

28:12Rob Beckett:he's not picked his battles there has he but yeah he's

28:14Josh Widdicombe:very much like the Roman Empire here we go

28:17Rob Beckett:we don't really know what that meant no

28:20Josh Widdicombe:it made sense though yeah it made sense

28:22Ray Bradshaw:yeah rhythmically we like well I think it's a different world now I do that I thought you were about to explain no no no I do it that way on podcast but on Not The Week I would have gone a bit like the Roman Empire yeah and then stare in silence and wait for applause and would it come what's that would the applause come yeah if you wait long enough and you plant the seed

28:41Rob Beckett:nice nice yeah but I'm like heavily so I gig a lot and then the rest of the time so like because I've listened to other episodes of the podcast people talk about their father life I coach my son's football team oh my goodness who will like occasionally so it's like 10 or 11 of us and I'm away so like it's on tonight so I'm not there and I'm not there on Saturday because oh no it's not on because it's still winter have you got an assistant manager no one of the other coaches a kind of Michael Carrick figure I'm not the top one I'm there for like aura putting the cones out I'm there to kind of big the kids up one of the coaches his dad was a very famous manager so he's good for that who's the manager?

29:19Rob Beckett:I don't think he'll want me to say I would say hand on heart it's the worst hour and a half of my week every week oh really? 29 kids just running around

29:28Ray Bradshaw:so what's your son's level of ability within the squad because that's difficult I'd say there's 29 players

29:33Rob Beckett:he's too big a squad Pep Guardiola talks about stuff like that doesn't he? yeah we just put a bid in for Mark Gwe so hopefully we're going to go he's I'd say he's between 10 and 20 in them so he's not the best he's okay loves a celebration loves celebrate remembers all the other players names does that when he scored he's actually pretty good at that and then knows all the kits I was in Rome naming corner flags at the weekend and he was like you need to get me a Dybala Roma top and he was like if you can't get that you can get Totti and I was like okay fuck it

30:06Ray Bradshaw:well as soon as I get home I'll go on a Chinese website and you'll have it in a week to 10 days

30:09Rob Beckett:I did buy him a fake one because the RoboShop was 95 euros so that's not happening you'd have an 8 pound one that gives you a bit of a rash and is it are the parents as awful as you imagine sometimes yeah there was one oh it was awful one of the first few games I was at with Alex and one of the dads for the other teams was shouting behind the goal just shouting constantly and it was relatively constructive to his kid but also his kid is 5 like chill the fuck out just in my head I was like this guy's a dick this guy's a dick and then the minute a full time finish she came up and went I've seen you on tour I'm a really big fan and I was like this guy's class man so quick

30:44Josh Widdicombe:can I ask because you've got two daughters who aren't like one of your daughters is into football yeah so she's

30:53Ray Bradshaw:she's ten and she plays at school and for the school and she's do you go I've been a couple of times yeah it's very hard not to because I can't imagine you keeping your council on a touchline oh really no do you know what I have to work really hard because I've been on a panel show with him. Yeah, no, but I'm only ever encouraging, but even that's too much. Did you take Flair's? So I'd be like, well done, well done. But that's who it is. So you'd never say push up. No, but I might go, I want to go, there's a bit of space. If I see space, I'll find it solid not to tell about space. I'll never be critical and stuff, but it's quite toxic to shout there's space.

31:30Ray Bradshaw:Just let her get on with it. But I find it really difficult. I do find as well, I don't know if you get this when you're at the sport, Ray, where people will say stuff to try and make you laugh because they know you're a comedian. So it'll be like, if a kid scuffs it and it goes wide, and they're 10, I'm like, well done, don't worry about it. But then I'll be like, oh, yeah, that was close. And I'm like, no, you're mugging off a kid here. It's a comedian laugh. And I give them nothing, like a fucking statue. And if they are, oh, I've said before, I was like, I don't think you should say that. And it gets really, I'm happy to sit in the awkwardness.

32:04Ray Bradshaw:Yeah. the phrase you're mugging off a kid

32:06Rob Beckett:just wins every time like you can't yeah

32:08Ray Bradshaw:you're mugging off a kid yeah anyway

32:10Rob Beckett:so have you had to confront anyone yeah two two times one was like just a football argument and one another team was shouting we've got a very good player who'd tackled someone quite firmly and they were shouting do him do him that and I was like fuck it now he's five or six I was like what the fuck are you doing so yeah that was

32:28Ray Bradshaw:how did you deal with it

32:30Rob Beckett:I went and argued with him you went around and said you can't say yeah yeah and it was parents at the side argued with him and then I was standing in an ice cream van queue after the game and they were raging behind us and it's really hard like that awkwardness afterwards and also I wonder you can't have a row

32:44Ray Bradshaw:with someone old and a flake 99 on your nose

32:49Josh Widdicombe:so yeah if you were to stab someone with an ice cream which would you choose?

32:54Rob Beckett:maybe the bottom end of Cornetto straight out of the freezer absolutely spot on I don't think I've ever felt more Glaswegian in my life that came from somewhere

33:05Josh Widdicombe:What about getting a calippo out

33:07Ray Bradshaw:and using that to slash someone? Like a javelin. I think you could batter someone to death with a frozen calippo. And then eat the evidence. But you'd have to... Yeah, but you have to... The rapper's got the... You'd have to eat the rapper as well. That's what he does. Do you not eat the rapper? No, no, no. It's like the apple core.

33:22Josh Widdicombe:You don't have to eat the rapper. A calippo's going to grow out you. I'll tell you the thing about a calippo. I don't like the skin.

33:28Ray Bradshaw:Josh licks the outside until it disappears

33:30Josh Widdicombe:and then he gets to the fruit. It's worth it once you get in. yourself it's good do you how much do you put winning

33:39Rob Beckett:as a thing none none I don't a lot of time when we leave I don't know the scores I'll know how many Alex has scored probably if he scores one or two because he'll talk about it the whole way home he'll be like do you see my goal but no I could not I will rotate fairly like they're five or six I used to run I used to run an amateur team for years playing football and I've played football all my life and some people take it seriously that's never been because we're not That's what ruins it. I love playing football. You're Peter Pli. But it's just...

34:07Ray Bradshaw:Yeah, yeah. That's what I always think. Some people just say, that's what put me off Sunday League and when I got about 17, 18, it's just like, geezer, like just booting you and trying to have a fight and just frustrating. I played in this Marks and Spencer's Father's Side tournament where we played other Marks and Spencer's team. There was a geezer playing and he was playing football off his face, drinking a rum and coke, but it was too hard for anyone to say anything. And you worked for him in this? Yeah. Probably in the warehouse. tell us about your tour can I ask about Scotland quickly yeah I've said the other week I think this is a worry Scottish bakeries are ten times better than English bakeries and I don't know why but I think it is do you agree macaroni pies what he said yeah and then what did you

34:51Josh Widdicombe:you said macaroni pies what was the other one

34:52Ray Bradshaw:I think scotch pies scotch pies it's such a good meat for a pie and what was that

34:57Josh Widdicombe:donut thing

34:58Ray Bradshaw:a yum yum not yum it was like a fudge donut oh yeah fudge donut yeah yeah so there was St Andrew's And then what did you say

35:04Josh Widdicombe:10 minutes later?

35:05Ray Bradshaw:I don't know why I'm not really fit and healthy. I don't know why I'm not losing weight. I'm going on runs. But I did a scotch pie with beans and mash on top and then I had a fudge donut. That sounds class though. Yeah, of course. He's happy. Actually, that scotch pie mince meat is a bit like pie mash mince meat where it's just loads of sort of mince rather than... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like... That's where you get the football. That's the go-to one. So I don't like, in a pie or anything, the big chunks of the meat because sometimes... So like a steak pie kind of thing is not for you. Sometimes the meat's a bit dodged, but if it's mince, you know what you're getting.

35:36Ray Bradshaw:And it's smooth, it's hot, it's tasty. This podcast is so versatile. It really is.

35:41Josh Widdicombe:Or we just don't have enough to talk about. Do you know why? So I have a lesson to episodes. How do you manage to do it, by the way?

35:50Ray Bradshaw:I love that you call it versatile. You've made our biggest weakness of strength. Well, I think this couch is incredibly neuro-spicy. We don't really know what it is, but we don't want to diagnose this because it will be too lovely.

36:02Josh Widdicombe:Don't lose the magic. so why do you think this podcast is what was the word you used? Versatile

36:10Rob Beckett:I listened to One On The Way Down and it was essentially you having a breakdown for 40 minutes

36:15Josh Widdicombe:it's difficult to narrow that down

36:20Ray Bradshaw:you can pick any from the last five years the thing is most of the time Josh is having an existential crisis and I'd be talking anyway they just put a microphone I'm no different from here than I would be just sat near someone on a train

36:33Josh Widdicombe:we're both a bit much when we're not on mic yeah it works it works so as a parent how are you feeling about the one to two oh worried

36:42Rob Beckett:worried worried because like we've done like five rounds of IVFs over the last like four and a half which was your first no no no so it was like second day so how does that we did all the tests they don't know so we did four rounds up in Glasgow and then we were so lucky we got this amazing doctor who was in Spain who was Spanish but in Glasgow because he'd married a Scottish lady and they were having a kid so he'd moved to Scotland for a bit how'd she want that debate he he was from was it like Valencia or something like that I was like that kid's accent yeah it'd be amazing that'd be Glottetta yeah from his one year in Glasgow so and then so he essentially took us on as like a project because scientifically it didn't make sense why we couldn't so he took us in did he say NHS or private it well because we had a baby we had to pay for nhs so we did oh so it's how it works if you've already had a baby yeah we did four paid rounds in scotland then we did one fancy privately down here with a big thing and he it was down to the thing where when they put everything back in he was like no go with a this female doctor over the male doctor because she's a 92 success rate compared to eight it was like all right we got so lucky are you looking at like did you know xg we didn't know so like over the first few we were like not getting eggs to kind of go in so we're kind of just giving up and not really working so this was our balls to the wall throwing money at the problem final Hail Mary pass and it worked and even like so when we're recording this in five days time it's 20 weeks so we're going to find out if it's a boy or a girl and even then it doesn't feel real because we've been kind of waiting it's weird and everybody Are you chatting about it?

38:27Rob Beckett:Because we're so versatile.

38:29Josh Widdicombe:Do you want to cry?

38:30Rob Beckett:No, maybe. I'd be great for the clip.

38:32Ray Bradshaw:We'll do all the deaf stuff with you crying.

38:35Rob Beckett:I talked to all my friends about it because Hayley, my wife, was a bit more private about it, but that's her choice. Whereas now, because it's... What I've realised is the more I've spoke to my mates about it, the more they're saying... Because some of them were like, oh, we did that. Or some of them were like, we had a couple of miscarriages and stuff like that, but no one was wanting to... Has it made this...

38:57Josh Widdicombe:pregnancy feel more perilous or yeah

39:01Rob Beckett:do you know what it just we just don't think about it that much because it still doesn't feel that real yeah like we we were away for the last couple of nights in Rome so we did so Alex my wee boy Hayley's mum took him for a couple of nights so we did like just the two of us away we tried to do that once a year because otherwise you lose your fucking mind so we're in Rome and awful choice to go to because it's Aperol spits and wine everywhere oh god she's pregnant yeah so she wasn't good but she started to show a little bit and that's when it's starting to feel a bit more real but the rest of the time because also I was a young dad I was 30 and now I'll be 37 I was the first one of my mates to have a kid and now they're all most of them have it somewhere kind of getting there and they're all from Glasgow as well yeah and you're still there just so life expectancy life expectancy we're going the versatility of this podcast is unbelievable that might be the big of Glasgow you did yeah it's because of our food you've heard it so so yeah so I just I think with two our lives are very nice just now yeah Alex has grown up he's really fun yeah he's cool to hang about is your wife working

40:06Ray Bradshaw:yes what does she do she does like sports marketing so how do you split up the childcare then because at the moment you're super busy you've got these commitments you're down here and then you're off touring just ad hoc just kind of see how it goes so this seems like a similar set up to me me and Lou where she took time off work when we had the two kids now she's sort of going back to work it's a bit like we have to have like planning meetings like on a Sunday like right what's happening next week and then we have to bring in childcare or grandparents

40:31Josh Widdicombe:where we've moved as a 10 minute we're like that

40:34Rob Beckett:but without the planning meetings

40:35Josh Widdicombe:yeah

40:37Rob Beckett:ours is very much a Thursday into the Friday so Hayley's mum and dad are like a 10 minute walk and my mum and dad are a 10 minute drive so there's lots of stuff like if I get a last minute thing you can chuck them can you go pick them up because we live you walk to school in like 5-10 minutes so we got all that oh that's great so and then back in the when Alex was at nursery I did a fundraiser for his nursery they needed a new garden so I did a fundraiser so sometimes I was on tour with John Bishop for seven months and sometimes it would be like I can't get back but his nursery days are set we can't get my nursery I would email the nurse and go hey remember that garden I paid for how does this frig day look and then that would work

41:12Ray Bradshaw:any chance he can stay in the garden that I've got his money for an extra hour

41:16Rob Beckett:actually so yeah the one to two thing is going to be the biggest bit so Hayley's going to take about a year off and when she was on her mat leave the last time I went and did Adelaide French so we all went out and it was great so this time it's more restrictive did you fly with the kid yeah so we took him to Spain when he was three months old and then Australia when he was five months old how was that fine if they can't walk yeah

41:40Ray Bradshaw:between that period they cry they're sleeping in your arms the worst I think on the flight is when they're toddlers and they can't sit that 18 months

41:48Rob Beckett:up till four is killer so my brother lives in America so we went out there when Alex was three and instead of he's like next to Detroit Ann Arbor so we should have gone like Glasgow, Amsterdam Amsterdam but we're like we're not doing a change we'll fly to Toronto stay a couple of days and then drive four hours because and time around naps and stuff like that but yeah

42:08Ray Bradshaw:you're so lucky when you live near London everything goes from London so like you know when you it's like a nightmare everything's a connection for like apart from Exeter International directing it to America directing it to America

42:17Josh Widdicombe:don't want to go because of what Donald Trump's after actually yeah yeah yeah This episode is brought to you by Peloton. Break through the busiest time of year with the brand new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus. Powered by Peloton IQ. With real-time guidance and endless ways to move, you can personalize your workouts and train with confidence. Helping you reach your goals in less time. Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.com.

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43:22Rob Beckett:with Scotland win the Euros I missed my wedding anniversary in Germany I missed my wedding anniversary Hayley's birthday and Alex's nursery graduation to watch Scotland lose 5-1 to Germany well I've got good news

43:32Josh Widdicombe:nursery graduation is not a real thing but the best thing was

43:35Rob Beckett:you should see their garden

43:37Ray Bradshaw:it is three acres of woodland

43:40Rob Beckett:for the gig I put on not a chance do you know up until the day before Frankie Boyle was meant to be doing that gig can you imagine Frankie doing a nursery No it was It was never signed up Because I'd toured With Frankie a few times So It was very much I was Someone had pulled out I can't remember And I was Backstage with him And I was like Oh I need to get someone He was like I'll do it If I can make stuff And I was like

44:00Ray Bradshaw:You know what Because he's a really sweet guy But he's got quite a presence So if he's in a When he's got His resting face He's quite intimidating But he's quite sweet He's so soft isn't he

44:10Rob Beckett:He's a lovely man And he's so clever And he's so Just fun to be around because we would do the Edinburgh stand work in progress, me and him. He doesn't drive, so I would pick him up and we'd drive through. I would just say one day, because it's an hour drive, I'd be like, tell me about the roots of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party and all these rumours. And then an hour later, you're there and he's still talking because he knows everything. Yeah, remind me not to do his tour support. I've got a grand an hour of that for the fucking island. Whereas a lot of times, it's just his shite sale tickets.

44:41Rob Beckett:Do you want to? Because I don't have a support, right? Because I have a sign language interpreter. so do you hang out

44:45Josh Widdicombe:with your sign language interpreter yeah sometimes

44:47Rob Beckett:and do you speak in sign sometimes they will alternate so I remember last time I did London we did Leicester Square and then we is there a pub and so called the Coaching Horses yeah so we stand outside there and then my mate Paul was like why the fuck does your sign language interpreter keep talking and moving his hands and it's because he was pissed he was still naturally signing because he was so used to it so yeah I would hang out with them and sometimes like so I would use regional ones so when I'm in the south west the one Adrian who you use I'd use him different ones in different areas because signing's different regionally yeah like you'll get colloquialisms so I had a yeah I had a joke that shafted me that same gang in Bedford that was horrible when they sat on either side I had a joke that generally true when I was a kid I thought my dad was a spy because everyone else could hear and he couldn't so I was like so I used to set traps for him and I would shout like help So you thought it was a spy because Because I was like six years old so everyone else can hear so I thought my dad was just pretending Right Right So he was a spy Yeah So I would go behind him and shout like help help help when he was washing the dishes and nothing would happen and I told that joke in Bedford and I lost every deaf audience member and the worst thing is right Oh well because they go like that's not funny actually You can see them signing So if you're a hearing audience member you whisper to the person actually I don't know what you're saying if you're deaf you sign and I can see deaf people saying that's horrible that's disgusting what's his problem And I was like What the fuck is happening So I stopped the show And what's happened There was one Scottish guy And he went The sign you're doing For spy is different here So I was doing Like a round circle Around my eye Which my dad had taught me Was spy But that's the English sign For pervert So every deaf audience member Had seen me sign When I was six I thought my dad Was a pervert And I used to hide Behind him shouting Help help help And I was like Fuck that is a different joke Wow

46:36Josh Widdicombe:Why is it so different

46:37Rob Beckett:Just reading that It's a lot to do with I suppose you get that

46:40Josh Widdicombe:With words generally Yeah and

46:41Rob Beckett:deaf schools so spy is like you're looking for a paper yeah we're spied in England and we magnifying glass which is much better right and then that's how I'm looking for an L and like days of the week in England they do two M's for Monday two T's for Tuesday two W's Wednesday TH for Thursday in Scotland we just use one hand and just do Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday much easier let's go through your tour dates do you know I'm off my heart right nope I know I start in Inverness and then I go to Sky which I've never been to You do loads in Scotland. Yes and no. So more this time. A couple of tours ago, I did tons and tons and tons of other small...

47:18Rob Beckett:These are all kind of bigger ones, so... So it's called Coda? Coda, Child of Death Adults. Child of Death Adults.

47:23Ray Bradshaw:Ah, that's cool.

47:24Rob Beckett:That's your government name. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. But it was also the film that I hated, Coda, which won the Best Picture at the Oscars. I hated the film, so I'll talk about that in the show. Is it about that? No, that's a part of it, but it's all about... No, no, no, no. Is the film about... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The film's about a girl Who's played by Alan Jones' daughter What? Yep Fuck off Her family Her mum, dad And her brother are deaf And she It's a thing You'll notice this now I've said this See Anytime you watch CSI Or NCIS Those kind of things Anytime there's a hearing person in it And their parents are deaf They always want to be a musician It always happens Because it's like Oh the thing my parents can't hear That's what I want to do So She wants to be a singer in this And there's a scene in it Where she starts singing And the dad comes over And feels Her vocal Her vocal cords It's all Oh, fucking pervert.

48:10Rob Beckett:Fucking one of them, mate.

48:12Ray Bradshaw:Get your fucking hands off of what I think. Accept it. You're not involved in this because you can't hear, all right? I'm going to be doing this. You crack on it, bingo. Just accept what's going on. Right, Ibanez. Portree. That's Sky. Yep, that's Sky. Stockton. Barnard Castle. Oh, yes. Don't do any Dominic Cummings jokes.

48:32Josh Widdicombe:That went down very badly. I can imagine.

48:35Ray Bradshaw:Newcastle, Dundee, Aberdeen, St Andrews. He can imagine because he's a professional. He couldn't imagine. Liverpool, Coventry, Salford, Chester, Cambridge Junction, Birmingham Glee, Maidenhead, Southend, Chelmsford, Luton, Guildford, Winchester, Chippenau, and Glasgow, Norwich. Oh, that's going to be a come down, isn't it, going to Norwich after the armadillo? Yep. Oh, Norwich is a good one, though. Norwich is great. There's no armadillo, mate, in your hometown.

48:56Rob Beckett:There's a couple we had to rearrange. So after that, there's Norwich, something, something, Maidstone, Melrose. There's three Soho theatres. There's a Leeds.

49:04Ray Bradshaw:Yeah, there's still one. Belfast Dublin Chorley Leeds Maidstone Melrose nothing in the South West

49:09Josh Widdicombe:what's your

49:10Rob Beckett:problem so I I've done Bristol the last couple of times that's not in the South West do you know that's the most requested one I get all the time it doesn't seem like you listen to the people it's fucking miles away I don't book them on tour I know but yeah it's always there because I did when I was supporting John I think we did three nights in Plymouth quite possibly that's far enough down isn't it you've got to

49:33Ray Bradshaw:meet in the

49:33Rob Beckett:middle

49:33Ray Bradshaw:you've fucked

49:34Rob Beckett:off to the bottom bit. Have you done all your Scottish dates on this tour?

49:37Ray Bradshaw:Yeah, I didn't do that many, actually. I've got Glasgow to come and then I did Aberdeen and Edinburgh. So that's all I did. I've done Inverness on the last tour. I'm doing Inverness this tour. Eden Court?

49:48Rob Beckett:Eden Court. They all argue about bridges. You'll do His Majesty's, maybe, in the theatre? Or the arena? Aberdeen, I did. No, Aberdeen, you'll do the Music Hall. Oh, the Music Hall, yeah. That's nice. I once, when I was supporting John there, I watched The Old Firm on a screen at the front While you were on stage It was down there Yeah in the thing In the timer thing

50:07Josh Widdicombe:Did anything Was there a goal or anything

50:09Rob Beckett:No it was no And then John went on And then there was deaf people Signing to him So he called me back out But I'd already got changed So I was wearing like joggies And I came on watching the football And I looked like a slob I just remember thinking That's not And then actually How quickly do you get changed

50:22Josh Widdicombe:When you come off stage? Fuck it

50:24Ray Bradshaw:Pretty quickly Do you not? No I always think Are you? It's a mental question But yeah I take it off And put on clean clothes Straight away Well, maybe it was like, normally you're leaving. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, I'd say within five minutes of getting back to the dressing room, I'll take off all my dirty clothes and put clean clothes on. I also think... How dirty are your clothes? You are just a grubby bastard. No, I'm not. You are. I'm just,

50:45Josh Widdicombe:in an hour and a half...

50:46Ray Bradshaw:Right, after a run, right, if he's gone for a run in the, he wakes up in the morning as a shower goes out for the day, then he'll have a run in the afternoon, come home, take off his clothes and just go to bed. No. Not naked. No, put your pants on and go to bed. that's wild yeah I am wild deal with it that is mental I am wild that's grubby I am wild so when do you take your clothes off after a gig

51:08Josh Widdicombe:so do you drive home in your clothes I say yes yes no not the t-shirt not the t-shirt

51:15Ray Bradshaw:but the dirty sweaty pants

51:16Josh Widdicombe:yeah what are you doing on stage under a duvet I'm not changing pants every time you're changing pants you're the weird guy

51:25Ray Bradshaw:mate

51:25Josh Widdicombe:what's happening to you downstairs during a gig?

51:28Ray Bradshaw:I'm selling a lot of tickets and trick myself to pants.

51:31Josh Widdicombe:I know you said that. So what does your dick do for an hour and a half that means you need a new pant? No, I get a sweaty arse.

51:37Ray Bradshaw:I'm giving it some up there. I'm not just sat there like a fucking flaccid dick waiting to be tickled. No, let's just get right in. Keep that in. Keep that in. Like a flaccid dick waiting to be tickled. No, look, I will change, I'll put a fresh pair of pants on when I come off stage for the journey home. I'm sorry. I find that odd. That's odd. No, no, no. No, no, no. Hear me out. You've got to tell me. Hear me out. If I'm just going to the hotel and I'm staying up there, I'd maybe just wear the clothes straight back to the hotel and get changed to the room if I'm going off quickly. If I am going on a three-hour drive, I will put a fresh pants on.

52:12Ray Bradshaw:You've got to change your pants. You've got to change your pants. What's a weird thing to do? I don't think that's weird. I think that's nicer.

52:18Josh Widdicombe:We'll ask every comedian we interview if they change their pants after the gig.

52:21Ray Bradshaw:For a three-hour drive home, you're going to wear the same pants you've had on all day and during the gig when you can have a nice little fresh pair of shoes. Why aren't you changing your pants for the gig? You've still got the sweaty arse. What's that?

52:30Rob Beckett:Your arse is still sweaty. I'll give it a wipe with a bit of tissue in the toilet.

52:33Ray Bradshaw:You're wiping your arse with a tissue? One plank. How sweaty is your arse? When you're giving it some up there, mate. It's hot in my rooms. I don't think it is that you're giving it some.

52:43Josh Widdicombe:Well, you're the one wearing all your clothes. No, don't try and turn it back on me, Mr. Skidmarks.

52:49Ray Bradshaw:Well, I'm quite frankly not Mr. Skidmarks. I'll change my pants. If I've got clean clothes, my clothes have been worn during the day, get changed into my tour clothes and I'll probably wear the same pants. Then when I get off stage, I'll put a fresh pair of pants on and the clothes go before. The other one's just going in an incinerator. They're just going in my bag, my dirty washing part of my bag and then we drive home. Right, that is weird. So what's... That is weird. I'll tell you what, take a spare pair of pants after your gig. I'm on tour and I'm going to try it. Slip them on and tell me you don't feel renewed.

53:18Ray Bradshaw:I don't want to feel renewed. I know you don't, you're dirty. Why not? Because it's 10pm. Can I read something? Someone messaged me on Instagram.

53:26Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, if you want to defend yourself because you're feeling raw because of your weird pant thing.

53:31Ray Bradshaw:I put a video up of going through what's in my tour bag, yeah? And it's got lots of pants in there for... For skid marks. For skid marks. No. Someone said... Someone messaged... I really enjoy how clean you are. You're fine. Josh doesn't shower at the end of a sweaty day, wears a smelly watch in bed, and has the audacity to say shaving your back is gross. It's not, by the way. Okay. I have to shave my back, Ray.

53:56Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, he doesn't shave his back. He goes into the garden and gets his wife to shave his back. In the garden! Yeah. In the garden! Yes, because I haven't got three elbows.

54:04Ray Bradshaw:No, but we...

54:04Rob Beckett:I get to it. How big's the garden? It's fucking huge. He's smashing it around the world. But I'm saying, how close are neighbours? Come on! No, neighbours can't see me.

54:12Josh Widdicombe:Have you seen the size of rooms he's playing? He's got a huge garden!

54:15Ray Bradshaw:I'm in the countryside. I'm tucked around the corner, no one can see. Okay. And why do you feel like this, Ray? Josh... No, no, no, no. Let's stay on... Josh wears his watch and he's got like a dress watch, like a smartwatch to bed at night has it on all day and night

54:29Rob Beckett:I don't think that's a bad thing oh dear

54:32Ray Bradshaw:oh dear you wear your watch to bed do you? I've started I've only recently got a smartwatch so you wear a smartwatch yeah but that watch no but Rob and then he takes it off he doesn't think it's that weird

54:40Josh Widdicombe:why did you take it off to go running though?

54:42Ray Bradshaw:thank you we're back in we're back in yeah yeah you've got to I'm back in really I think you need to go all or nothing

54:48Josh Widdicombe:no because this watch is worth too much money to go running in I don't want to I don't want to get the strap sweaty. What? But you sweat... Yeah, you sweat... I don't... Do you wear it on stage? Yeah, because I need to check the time. But you're not sweaty on stage? No. Because I'm cool as a cucumber, because I'm in control. I'm not panicking.

55:08Ray Bradshaw:All the listeners will agree with that.

55:10Josh Widdicombe:He's cool. Judgment of the first words that come to mind, cool as a cucumber. Once I'm on stage, where I feel like me, I'm as cool as a cucumber. When do you feel like you? Never when I'm on stage. Quite happily, never go on stage again.

55:29Ray Bradshaw:Now he's being real.

55:31Josh Widdicombe:I'll be honest, I enjoy this more. Do you actually? I certainly don't need it as much as Rob. Oh, back to me then.

55:43Ray Bradshaw:That won't be weird, Rob.

55:44Josh Widdicombe:This has been the weirdest 10 minutes. Us both going to Ray to try and get him to tell the other one they're weird. It does feel like that.

55:51Ray Bradshaw:Because I remember we conked you at the stage as well, just talking to you. But we've been there. He's completely throughed us and turned the table. He's interviewing us.

55:58Josh Widdicombe:How did we get on this? Oh, because of your pants.

56:00Ray Bradshaw:We're going to rename it Podcasting Hell. Oh, no, we're shouting it.

56:03Josh Widdicombe:Do you know what? When I asked how quickly you get changed after coming off stage, you thought that's a bad question. Little did I know. It was leading to a great question.

56:11Ray Bradshaw:So how quickly do you get changed off stage?

56:13Rob Beckett:I would say within five minutes, I'll be changed. What's your stage where? Very. So when I was doing, when I was saying it all myself, I had to wear black because if you wear like patterns or anything like that it's hard to see the hands so it all would be black so it was always like a black Levi's t-shirt and then now it just kind of varies as I go t-shirt and shirt probably just M &S so I have I get a lot of free M &S

56:36Ray Bradshaw:and I wear a lot of that I have three jackets all exactly the same and about six white t-shirts that are the same you're wearing a jacket no wonder you're hot and two pairs of three pairs of trousers all exactly the same you got lucky pants no lucky pants just clean

56:50Josh Widdicombe:No, they're not lucky. He takes them off after every show.

56:52Ray Bradshaw:I don't know if he's got the same ones. He hasn't got time to launder them before the next gig. They're all exactly the same so that I take them with me and I wear one and then I get it laundered while I wear the other one.

57:02Josh Widdicombe:You did three gigs in a day in Bromley the other day. Yes. Did you go through three pairs of pants?

57:08Ray Bradshaw:I went through three pairs of pants and I also... That is weird. That's insane. But I wore the same. I went three pairs of pants, three T-shirts and wore the same jacket and trousers.

57:18Josh Widdicombe:That's so weird. I feel fresh and renewed. what's going on in your underwear?

57:22Ray Bradshaw:I'm moving about and I'm sweating and getting hot. No showers in between. What's that? A shower at the end. Arseholes smell. Yes. Let's agree. Are we agreeing with that?

57:34Josh Widdicombe:Arseholes smell. Versatile.

57:37Ray Bradshaw:Arseholes stink. Michael's getting so annoyed

57:39Josh Widdicombe:that we've done over an hour, by the way. We've done over an hour? I can see how annoyed Michael is through that little gap.

57:44Ray Bradshaw:I'm onto something here. Let's not cut it. Arseholes stink and it seeps into your pants. Sorry. Sorry. I'm onto something here Arsehole stink That's your big takeaway Yeah yeah So If I'm gonna I wanna Also Let's smell each other's arseholes You'll get a rashy smelly arse You'll get a skin infection Sat there with your sweaty little arse Well why haven't I got a skin infection? I don't know what's going on with you Mentally and bodily What do you What because I Because I don't change my pants after a gig No I'm not I think I get that people think that's too much I like doing it Because it makes me feel Clean and fresh and new Going to sleep After going for a run is fucking serial killer mentality.

58:22Ray Bradshaw:Ray, it's been great to have you on.

58:24Josh Widdicombe:I know you get asked when you're on the ropes.

58:28Ray Bradshaw:Thank you very much. Good luck on the tour.

58:31Josh Widdicombe:Oh, let's do the final question.

58:33Ray Bradshaw:Do we need to? Michael, have you got to find? I think that's a funny end. Final question. Ray, what is the one thing? Are you married or partner? Married, married. Have you got kids? I can't remember. It's all right. I'll tell you what, it's all good. Everyone's set their finger up the ass, smell it now and tell me you don't want a new pair of pants at the end of this.

58:50Josh Widdicombe:Why don't we bring Michael out, blindfold him, three of us pull our trousers down and he's got to do a blind, basically a blind smell. Sniff all our arses and tell us which one smells best. But we've both got long train journeys. Yeah, and check the frungal impressions. He's come from Glasgow.

59:05Ray Bradshaw:Yeah. Well, you need a new pair of pants.

59:07Rob Beckett:I jump to the hotel after this. I will show up.

59:10Ray Bradshaw:Also, I'm doing more on stage. I'm doing more on stage than you anyway. You're only doing one half. I've got, I don't have support. I do two halves. Yeah, but you're not doing the full time. time. Do you not have a support ever? No.

59:19Josh Widdicombe:I do the same length as you but with plus support. No wonder you're stressed. Not stressed.

59:24Ray Bradshaw:You're creeping into 10 o 'clock. How long do you do? You do 90 minutes? Yeah. You do too far in the support? Yeah. It's too long a show. What's that?

59:32Josh Widdicombe:Put it on the ropes to change the rules. I would agree with that. Yeah, I'm not doing 90 minutes. There's no way he's doing 90 minutes.

59:38Ray Bradshaw:When you were

59:39Rob Beckett:telling me I was 90 or too long. There's no way he's doing 90 minutes. I'm not doing no I'm doing it right your wife yes can't wait till I go out of this by the way bad news I don't know

59:49Josh Widdicombe:you're not you're not selling any extra tour tickets off this

59:52Rob Beckett:make a pant deal

59:53Ray Bradshaw:that's the your wife yes what's the one thing she does as a parent that makes you go oh my god she's amazing I'm so lucky and what's the one thing she does that frustrates her slightly and if she heard this episode she might go he's got a point there

1:00:06Rob Beckett:you don't want to

1:00:07Ray Bradshaw:bring it up to her

1:00:07Rob Beckett:she she's just class she's really good at everything and also like if I go listen I've been offered this I need to be away like we got home from Rome last night like 6 o 'clock went and picked Alex up she's working today she's got to take him to football I was like oh I might need to go to London do this do this she's like yeah that's cool it's just great yeah she's so sound what annoys me parent wise not much she moans at me a lot for like leaving like jumpers downstairs

1:00:37Ray Bradshaw:I'm bad for that yeah I always overestimate that I think I'm cold and by the time I've put it on I'll get downstairs I'm out again before you know it

1:00:44Josh Widdicombe:Rob's left some pants on the sofa because he's got changed it to another pair so I walk out to school

1:00:48Rob Beckett:come back and it's I've put like a t-shirt jumper and a jacket on so I'm too hot and I'll leave the jumper there but that'll make its way upstairs eventually

1:00:55Ray Bradshaw:sometimes with me it could be a few days and she'll get pissed off with that yeah Lou's wading through pants in my arm laying on the kitchen side why is there a pair of pants in the fridge

1:01:03Josh Widdicombe:it makes me feel good to put on a cold pair pants in the fridge is a shoot by the way you'd love that you get a fridge in every Regional theatre

1:01:12Ray Bradshaw:Put my clean pants In the fridge Could I have an ice bucket For my pants please Straight to bed After running That's all I'm saying You could put

1:01:21Josh Widdicombe:What you could do Rob You could put your pants In a Like a Waterproof bag And then put them In the bucket of ice Right And they would be so Just no it's fine Rob One final question Your wife's laying in bed

1:01:33Ray Bradshaw:You've been out for a run You come home Take all your clothes off Sometimes Rob Sometimes you just have to

1:01:38Rob Beckett:She would say Get to bed you smelly bastard

1:01:41Josh Widdicombe:that's what she would say yeah but you've got to remember Rob I'm currently not I'm currently not in the bed

1:01:45Ray Bradshaw:oh to be fair to Josh he does sleep on the floor every night and that's not banter what

1:01:52Josh Widdicombe:situation with our kids oh yeah so he sleeps on a mattress on the floor next to the cats

1:01:57Ray Bradshaw:lovely

1:01:57Josh Widdicombe:no not next to the cats oh one got in with me last night it was so good perhaps they could smell me I'd had a shower though because I went out for dinner last night so you had a shower after dinner no before okay just checking and then kept my watch on which Ray thought was completely normal and then you moved on because you were worried you were sad it's not completely normal

1:02:16Rob Beckett:watch for sleep I don't mind that but if you're taking it off for running I've got a Garmin for running okay you've got a Garmin? yeah you don't have big Garmin energy no I think this looks too small for it

1:02:28Josh Widdicombe:have a look at have a look at the cover of Runner's World in March and come back to me

1:02:34Rob Beckett:that is the best mic drop I've ever heard of Ollie right thank you very much thanks guys

1:02:42Ray Bradshaw:Ray Bradshaw

1:02:43Josh Widdicombe:Ray Braddy Bradshaw

1:02:45Ray Bradshaw:That was good, wasn't it? I loved it He done well to switch it back on us at the end Yeah, yeah, he really got us into position Here we go, I know what's coming Well, you've moved seats because that's how we do the intros and outros After a discussion about being a bit dirty and that you think I'm too cleanly I've got some mud on my jeans It's human shit slash mud on your jeans It's mud, it's mud How do you know?

1:03:05Josh Widdicombe:Because I know where it's come from Where's it come from? I took my daughter horse riding last night and you were in the same dirty clothes from last night well I put on a pair of wellies over them so I don't know how the mud's got there so that you got it from the horse riding I don't know if I could could I it's too low it's below a welly level because I'm a welly wearer now oh hello you gave me shit for being a welly wearer I love wearing a welly

1:03:27Ray Bradshaw:it's fun isn't it

1:03:28Josh Widdicombe:I think the this episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company no matter how you do game day

1:03:34Rob Beckett:on the couch in the crowd or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in. With a full lineup of non-alcoholic beer styles, you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stock the fridge for tip-off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com. Your beer fit for all times.

1:03:59Josh Widdicombe:The feeling that you can just walk through a puddle is incredible. It does make you feel powerful. It does.

1:04:05Ray Bradshaw:You're like, fuck it, that puddle's there and I'm taking it. Do you know what I hate about shoes is putting my little finger at the back bit to get my heel in. Yeah. Don't need to. Don't need to. Have you considered a shoehorn? No, but I have thought about waders. Because if you like wellies, you're going to love waders. Yeah, you're going to love waders. You don't even think, you just pull them over your shoulders. Oh, my God. Slip it over the shoulder. I've always wanted to go in a lake up to my waist and get something out.

1:04:32Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I bet that's nice. I bet the feeling of it.

1:04:34Ray Bradshaw:But I haven't got a lake or waders, so I'm really at a crossroads.

1:04:38Josh Widdicombe:Give it time. Give it time. We'll probably film that. I'll stick that on TikTok. And at some point we'll freeze our pants and try them on and see how that goes. Pop my pants in the fridge and see how it goes.

1:04:49Ray Bradshaw:Yeah. Let us know what you think about the pants thing. I do think maybe you might think that's excessive, but I like it and I feel fresh and clean. Josh, I'll see you next week. See you next week.

1:05:07Josh Widdicombe:Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognize that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whittacombe here.

1:05:15Josh Widdicombe:I have got a new podcast, Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture. And I'm going to say it, I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics, or politics. I know I do. And that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

1:05:53Josh Widdicombe:See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realized Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr. Blobby. When Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real. When a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2 and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch and his part in the fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to or you don't and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

1:06:30Josh Widdicombe:Stiffnecks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday. Perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whittacombe. Available everywhere on the 1st of January.