S12 EP11: A Kitten Update

29:15Here we go, Michael. There you go. Well, I've just done it for you. No, it's not the same. I think you're not doing that properly. Okay. Just watch app. Michael, can you quickly see if you just search for it, Harry Potter. Stream free on Prime Video. so if you've got prime that's the way it's for it that just that's it this is great so adjust watch app that's what you need you type it in there and it'll tell you watch which platform it's on there you go yes no so you're wrong josh what do you mean well you just told me it was free i had to pay for everywhere well it's it says 349 on amazon it obviously didn't know as a member oh right if you if you're a member yeah prime video prime video hang on prime video if you're remember there you go oh no that's bollocks what that's an advert oh you fucking cunt sorry that you you are right it's i scrolled down on the app and it said prime video but it's promoted all that says is watch similar movies on prime video for free so it's implied that it isn't you have to pay for it so apologies josh you were right yeah it's a roller coaster this so basically if you're not charry potty you've got to pay for it i bought the bundle on sky because i couldn't find it anywhere all seven all seven i thought she's on third one it'll be cheaper to get all seven now you know i've got invested in my future is that the one where you get to keep what i hate is this one where you've got 48 hours to watch the film it feels so much pressure once you start watching the film you've got 48 hours so you're Like, okay, am I going to fit this in in the next 48 hours?

30:56But what annoys me is I feel like I swear I've already bought this once 20 years ago. And it's somewhere. I don't even get to keep it. I think it goes after 48 hours. Like when I bought it on DVD or bought it on iTunes. Well, I bought loads of albums on iTunes. And I bought loads of films. But they're just fucking gone again. Because there's new logins. It's life. It's life. It will all be dust soon. Oh, do you want to psychoanalyze me, Josh? I do every day, Rob, just to myself. Do you want me to do it out loud? I was at the David Lloyd going to the gym. Why do you always call it the David Lloyd?

31:33I could just say the gym, couldn't I? Yeah. Well, no, I need to say the David Lloyd. I don't actually. No, I was saying it because what the lady said to me, lovely lady, right? And I was going to my car and she said, oh, I didn't know you belonged here. You don't. Well, and I was like, oh, right, yeah, no, I do. I'm a member here, blah, blah, blah. And said hello. And then she went off away. Nice interaction. Lovely lady. No problem with her whatsoever. But when she said you belonged here, my brain went, no, I fucking don't. But I wasn't angry with her. I was angry at the idea that I belonged somewhere.

32:08Yeah. Where I feel, I think of myself as I don't belong anywhere. You're a troubadour on the road. I don't know. You're tossing out jokes to strangers to make money for your family, but you don't belong anywhere. You are. Yeah. You're an individual. Where you put your head down at night, that's where you belong. Well, yeah, but what's wrong with belonging somewhere? But I didn't like it. No, you didn't like it. I tell you what it is, Rob. What? Do you want me to psychoanalyze you? Yeah, please, please. I'm on my little chair. You hate to be boxed. You don't enjoy judgment of who you are. and you feel like the moment someone throws you into a group, you kick against it.

32:55You are, 20 years ago last week, whatever people say I am, that is what I'm not. That is how you feel about the world. It is, isn't it? Yeah. So if I was to say to you something really simple, like you are a comedian, you'd probably think, I'm not actually, I do loads. I do podcasting. I do TV. actually you don't and i i suppose that goes back to school i think i think everything goes back to for you i don't feel that teacher telling your mom that you aren't going to do anything yes i'm really against in everyone so i can't be on their side because then i've given up because i'm agreeing with them even if it's a positive thing yeah because i was always told i'd say being a member of a gym is a neutral thing it's neither here nor there it's not it's It's not a qualitative judgment on you either way, right?

33:46No, but it was the word belong. Because when you said you're a comedian, I was like, yeah, I am. But in a way, I look at that as a part of me, what I do. And I could never dispute that. I'm not a comedian as in, but I'm more than a comedian. No, yeah, I don't feel like that. But I don't like, it's the belonging of being a part of something. You know, even though I've been an Arsenal fan, I like watching Arsenal. I love Dean Riot. And I followed them. But I'm not like, when they go, oh, yeah. when I see other people actually, yeah, come on, let's go ask Gooners. I feel like I'm, no, I'm not, I can't really do it.

34:19I feel like that. I feel like that with, with Plymouth fans. I don't feel, also I'd never went as a kid. So I feel a bit disingenuous going on board. Cause I'm not, I wasn't from the local area. I didn't walk there with my dad. It's not in me culturally. It's a, I picked a team that was on the telly when I watched football, you know? So I don't think I'd feel disingenuous to be at the parade when Arsenal or if Arsenal win a cup. what about if someone said you're a you you'd say you're kent and proud are you no i'm quite passionate about england in the football yeah but um but even there yeah so yeah belong it was the belong got me and i was like and she was so sweet and nice and she was because that's just the terminology they probably use for memberships she hasn't she hasn't no no i've got nothing i can't express there was no negativity towards her and i was really polite about it but But as I was having the conversation at the end, I was like, that word, you belong here, really fucking pissed me off.

35:14Yeah, I can see that. I can understand that. I don't know what's wrong with me. And now for a special part of today's show, what age should you be left at? And it's brought to you by Monzo. Yes, basically, we're going to discuss what age kids should be left to get on with things themselves. Monzo helps give kids a safer step into independence with money, setting goals, budgeting and spending, while parents still have oversight. So that part feels covered. But what about the other stuff? Like, can they use a toaster, for example? Or have their own phone? That's a very picky one. Now, Josh, what age are you going to let your kids go out of the house on their own to the local shop?

35:51Well, we've been discussing this, Rob. I've been talking about, like, she's got other friends who live nearby who walk past our house to go to school. Yeah. And what age are we going to send them to school? I reckon at about 10, they will walk as a group to school, kind of picking up people on the way like a bus. Yeah, see, that's hard for us because they're in a village. We let the kids go to the neighbour to get parcels on their own. What about if you went to a shop and you were like, oh, there's no parking or something? Could you just go in and get, you know, a pint of milk? I'd probably, the eight-year-old and ten-year-old, I'd send them in together to a garage to buy something with cash if I'm parked outside the garage.

36:28If I'm in a restaurant, I can let them go to the toilet on their own. Yeah. Give me another one. Give me another one to test the age. Um, oven. I think they could do that now, my daughter, but she doesn't. But I think she could easily. They both make me scrambled eggs. They can do that on their own. Did you, what age were you allowed to go to school? It was a driving thing. But then at 11, I got the bus and I'd walk to the bus stop on my own. So 11. I think that's the secondary school's the one, isn't it? Well, here's another thing on the other side. Yeah. My son, I don't know, I don't want to swear on it, wiped his own bum the other day yeah because he's four part of me was like well that is good but how good's the job he's done do you know what i mean do your kids use toast do they do their own toast do they do their own breakfast yet no because he doesn't and obviously yeah obviously and i end up doing it but they could do it do you know what i mean my daughter could she doesn't have toast though i've got into a pancake situation do yours do their own they'll they'll make their own breakfast so they'll get their cereal out and milk and bowl and spoon or they'll make their own toast and butter it and they can make eggs if they want to make eggs lou makes the pancakes the mix but i think we get to the point when they could make their own pancakes i wouldn't want them using a hot pan without us downstairs no exactly rob toasters are about us do you know what if you want a kid to help my daughter's got very into in the morning she's done a checklist which we go through and it kind of empowers her to be part of it rather than me just telling her the next thing if you know what I mean.

38:02Yeah. And they do really want to do these things. That's the thing. We presume they're resistant. Oh, will someone do everything for me? But the truth is they enjoy the feeling grown up of it. We're the problem. We're the problem. We do too much for them. Do you know what would really help on that, Rob? What? A Monzo card, because that empowers them. Then they can just go out and pay for breakfast. Exactly. They can go out and have avocado on toast. Would you let them pack the bags for the holiday, Rob? Not the whole holiday. Maybe hand luggage. Hand luggage, yeah. I think that's fair. I think that's good.

38:36But then if you'd let them, they'll just pack like 20 teddies. Because they're not practical. And then they get there. They're not going to go, I do need some Factor 50. Yeah. Yeah, I do need an extra swimming costume. Because if that one's wet, I don't want to put that one back on. There you have it. Monzo helps take care of the money stuff. And we'll take care of the rest. Monzo's award-winning account for under-16s. Download your new favourite bank. For children aged 6 to 15, parents or guardian account needed first. UK residents only. T's and C's apply. Do you want a kitten update, Rob? Oh, yes, please.

39:10So they are incredibly affectionate, but my kids do keep just carrying them round because they're willing to put up with it. That's good, though. Yeah, but then I wouldn't describe my son as, you know, he's quite heavy-handed with the kittens. Yeah, but I think that's good because then they get used to it and they're like not going to be bite or scratchy or defensive. They're just like, you know, he's not hurting them, is he? I like being bitten by the kittens, Rob. I play fine with the kittens and I like being bitten by them and then licked by their rough tongues, Rob. Hello? I just... What? What?

39:49I don't want to always feel like I'm having a go. Do you know what I mean? Like you're fucking serving them up. What do you mean? So you like being bitten by your kittens and you like being licked by them. Yeah, we have like play fight. I'll play fight with the cat kitten. Yeah, but are they just like, are they actually, they're just sort of like gumming you almost with their teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or holding. Yeah. No, yeah, that's fine if you like that. Good for you. And the cats are enjoying it. Are you dressed? The cats are enjoying it. What? Oh, he's biting me on the dick as well. Gumming the little foreskin, yeah?

40:26I walked past Sunspell the other day and I thought, you guys don't realise how good you get it from me. I disagree. I would actually say they're probably having meetings going, this isn't a great look for the brand. Do you remember Mike, the situation from Jersey Shore? No, I don't know. Mike, the situation was his sort of... What's Jersey Shore? Jersey Shore was like Geordie Shore, but in America. Right. That's where it started before Geordie Shore. It was a group of these sort of Italian-American groomed guys and girls that would go out drinking and pulling women and stuff. And Mike, the Situation, would go, I'm going out tonight.

41:04I'm going to pour some chicks. And then he'd do his muscle like that and go, and that's the Situation. Right. Because he was called Mike, the Situation. That was his catchphrase. He used to wear a brand. I can't remember. I think it might have been Abercrombie & Fitch. I'm not sure. But famously, he used to wear it all the time on the show. They paid him a sponsorship deal not to wear it. Incredible. Sunspell, I'm here. I'll tell you what, if you get paid to stop wearing them horrible baggy pants and you're getting... Lovely pants. I'd be gutted to stop wearing them because they're the best pants.

41:36I'd love an underpant deal with Under Armour. Yeah. Just me on a big, just tops off pants on Mark Wahlberg. I'm big, loose baggy pants for dads. Well, no, not baggy, actually. Your Sunspell's a baggy. Well, I had to go and see. I didn't have to go. I went and saw my daughter's production of Matilda at school. Oh, yeah. So this is what it's – she was – it's a year three and year four production. It was an interesting slip, wasn't it? Yes, it was a horrible little slip-a-roonie. However, it was because she wasn't acting in it. The year three sing choir back up. She's in the chorus. The chorus, that's what they call it.

42:17And then there was a play going on. and it's really hard to sort of enjoy watching other people's children act in Matilda. Yeah, yeah. Because it's very hit and miss, isn't it? Yeah, it's very hit and miss. Because if you've got 30 people from your workplace to put on a production of Matilda, you might have a couple of budding actors or singers in that group. But you also... That should be the most annoying. Jeff from Accounts was a child once. Yeah, yeah. And if he's having to do, you know... It doesn't feel like it though, does it, when you meet Jeff? It doesn't feel like he was ever a child.

42:49No, it always feels like he was 54 with his tie too short and his belly sticking out. But you sort of feel like, I do feel sorry for those kids. Like, that's not their about, you know, they're not into that. Did you do school productions? No, I did no drama at all. The first time I stood on stage was to do my first gig when I was 23. Did you not do like a primary ones? Like, weren't you forced to do a primary? I remember, I think I just sang in the chorus. Right. I wasn't really doing any acting. I was too scared and nervous. And then at secondary school, I did, they did a form assembly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

43:28But I wasn't in any of the actual, like, shows or drama and music. No, I was at secondary school. At secondary school, it didn't even crop into my head that I could do something like that. No, no, not for me. That was my worst nightmare. I remember a performance we did at secondary school. Yeah. Our music group. We had to like improvise. I think it was a piece of music about the Second World War or something. Right? Jesus, tough gig. Yeah, tough gig. Improvise. And we had like, oh, not improvise, like go in groups. And then hit the march into Poland. Yeah. Did, did, did a bow. But I do. We had these bottles of water and we would be like shaking them.

44:14Yeah. And then our piece of music involved us. We then all, there was like five of us. We all had to split into groups and do this. And then we had to do the aeroplane. Then we all came up with the idea of doing like aeroplane sounds, like overhead, not the firing ones, but like all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Over the water. And that was it, right? Yeah. And then we got asked to do it at a school concert because it was the best one. Right? Okay. So just you making noises about water and planes. Us doing water in the bottles and then doing the plane sounds, right? And then. And you're just stood up doing that.

44:53There's no dancing. No, it's just this, right? So you're stood there going, yeah. And someone's shaking a bottle of water. We're all shaking the bottles of water, right? The whole class. You're like waves. The whole year, all six of you. No, no. So there was a secondary school. I was 200 in my year at secondary school. Okay, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah, okay. So there was like a parents concert or something, and we were one of the things. I'd obviously buried this deep inside because it only came back to me recently. And then we started shaking the water, and it got to the airplane sounds, and no one wanted to go first because it was too embarrassing.

45:30So no one did it. And then it missed the cue. And then it was like, well, someone's got to start these airplane sounds. But I don't know what the other people think. I was like, there's no way I'm going to start. Because what if no one else joins in? Then I've just done an airplane sound on my own. So we just stood there for three minutes, shook the bottles of water. No one made an airplane sound. And then we sat back down.

46:03Can I tell you what I thought was going to happen in that story? You, you, you, you, you, you at that point went, no, do you know what? I'm going to do it. Yeah, no, of course. And that led to you having a bit of confidence to go, yeah, maybe I can. No, you just stood there in silence shaking water and sat down. And then we all sat down. Can I say the music teacher afterwards was fucking livid. He was like, where are the aeroplane sounds? That's the best bit. That's the bit you're here for. Such a weird thing to happen to me. I'd totally forgotten it happened. And then it just came into my head.

46:41Yeah, you have to delete those sort of memories, don't you? They're not good for the soul. Sorry, I don't know why I brought that up. It's fine. That's what podcasting is about. It's this kind of shit.

46:56Any other, what's going on with the parenting? Are you seeing the kids much? Are you still in torment? So I was away for three days. What did she do in Last Leg? Is that back then, Last Leg? Yeah. Sorry, I must have missed it. This Friday, just gone? Well, it's the opposite, Rob. I do zero promo for that. That's very much your sort of constant, just that that can go. Well, the thing is, I think by now, if one knows what it is, it's on. That's exactly what I say. Sometimes they'll go, could you do some promo for The Last Leg? I think everyone's made up their mind. Yeah. No one is still to me. They either hate us or they like us.

47:29Fine. It's like saying to you, could you do promo for eight out of 10 cats as countdown? Of course not. Hi, we've got Alison Hammond on today doing some promo about this morning. to tell us all about the show, Alison. We know, people know. Yeah. But Lou Beckett and her book, which is called Something of a Default Parent. What is it? Confessions. Infections. Infections from a default parent. I said confessions. I was like, it can't be confessions. Lessons. Lessons from a default parent. And Josh Whittakam's. Museum of Pop Culture. Museum of Pop Culture. And Robin Romesh. you've got to check it out.

48:09You've just simply got to check out Robin Romesh because it's going to be big. Eight out of ten cats and Scandans back. I'm doing that at the moment. I know, yeah. I've got to go away for a couple of weeks, Josh. I know. You've got a new thing, haven't you? I've got a new thing I can't talk about yet, but I'm going. Because we've got a very busy period where I'm doing the London Palladium for two weeks. Lou's book's coming out. And then I've got other little bits and bobs. And then as soon as that's done, I've got to film my special, which is always quite stressful, filming your stand-up special.

48:36And then once that's done, and I've only got like four or five days. So let's go, dating's coming back. So I'm doing some of that. And then I go away for two weeks. I'm away from Lou and the kids for two weeks, which is not ideal. It'll be fine though. They're in school. I'm struggling with being away. So this is something, Rob. I was doing a corporate on Thursday. So I left on Thursday. I did a corporate on Tuesday. Did you? Haldons Kitchens. I had almost had a breakdown off the corporate on Thursday. I actually thought I really need a drink here. And I was like, whoa, I'm in a bad space. Oh, Josh.

49:05You can't drop that in at 49 minutes, mate.

49:11I didn't have a drink. I didn't have a drink. What was you going to have? Well, probably the way it works would be 15 pints, the way it used to work. Vomit on your self-garbed. Enough to pass out. You'll have to be medically unconscious. Enough to be medically unconscious. I'll have a good drink until I'm medically unconscious, so my brain doesn't think anymore. Just one glass of wine, Rob. That's what I would have had. I've told you that before, haven't I? That comedian, when I came off stage once and he was a recovering alcoholic, but I didn't know. And I said, oh, there's nothing like a taste of lager is after a tough gig.

49:49He went, I wouldn't know, mate. I'm a recovering alcoholic. And I thought I was saying, you definitely would fucking know. You wouldn't know, yeah, you wouldn't. You know too well, mate. No, but I was away for three days. So I was in London on Saturday, right? And this was one of those things where it was like. So you came up to do the corporate, then you did this morning, then you did last leg, and then you were still in town on Saturday for something else. Yeah, because I got offered like my dream thing. I got to host my favourite radio show on Saturday evening, but it did mean I was in London for the day.

50:25I'll wait in for it. Yeah. What's your favourite radio show? I was covering for Lisa Tarbuck. I love Lisa Tarbuck. Is she five till seven? She's six till eight. 68 The opportunity to do it once in my life Because it's the best show on the radio ever Did you do her features then as well? Yeah I love her She is brilliant But I was like in London on Saturday on my own Missing my kids And it was mad I was like what am I doing here I had to phone Rose and I was like God I'm so selfish doing this This is awful And then I went and had a Wagamama's on my own So he said, it's going to have a wank. Then I went and whined me to feel better.

51:10A wanker mummers. You had a wanker mummers on your own? Yeah. Sat on a bench on your own? Yeah, I had the window seat, which is a mistake, because people kept pointing at me. Did people sit near you or did they leave you? Was it busy? It was really busy. That's why I went with the window seat. So you had strangers with you? Well, yeah, that bench looking out on the street. in Soho. You'll know the Wagamamas I'm talking about. So did you have to sit next to people you didn't know? Did they talk to you? They didn't talk to me, no. I had my headphones in. Sat on a bench alone looking out the window.

51:43Sat on a bench alone looking out the window going, this is the dream. This is the dream I signed up for. Because imagine it because we say stuff like I'd never go and be brother or I'm a celebrity and just sort of be trapped in a TV world alone. Yeah. And then we just do that on a Saturday. Go and sit in the Wagamamas. But as opposed to one off, you know. But then the thing is, Josh, you're really good on the radio you keep doing all this cover for radio too i couldn't i smell i smell a regular show i couldn't do it so you just like to be in cover guy i just couldn't do it with my lifestyle i don't think too much too many cigars and drink no in terms of like where you live the age my kids are radio devon or do radio two from radio devon well i would do that so if they offered you a show where you can record it live from a studio in Exeter.

52:32I don't know if Exeter's got the facilities, Rob. Paddy McGuinness does it up in Manchester. He does, doesn't he? Exeter's a city. It's got the Met Office. I can do the weather. Oh, the weather live from the Met Office. Sorry, I haven't done enough parenting because of that, is what I was saying. You've been away? Yes. Anyway, my daughter was off school. She was ill. Yeah, my daughter's a bit smithily. We're going for a riding lesson again tonight, right? You and Rose? Well, we're both taking... Because my son got put on a horse at the end of... I think that was a joke about you two having sex.

53:08Oh, God, it's so far away from reality that I couldn't even see the joke.

53:16Sorry, so your son got put on a horse as well? At the end of my daughter's lesson on last week, my son said, can I get on the horse? And they put him on the horse. Yeah. They tried him. I couldn't fucking believe what was going on. Oh, really? And then he was like, I want a lesson next week. So now both of them are having a lesson tonight. Oh, my God. I've been so deep out of my depth with this. I don't know if this is like... What's happening? Have you been to the country for three weeks? Well, you've moved to the countryside, and you're going to end up having a horse. I'm not. You are? We haven't got the room.

53:49We haven't got a field. Oh, yeah, because there's no stables near you in Exeter that you could have one in and drive to 10 minutes away. I don't want a horse. They can choose another horse. Not many people have a horse because they've got a giant field in the back garden. Most people have them in stables and then drive there. You've got a giant field. You haven't got a horse. How is this working? It's not a giant field. It's actually too small for a horse because I tried to see if I could get a stable in there, but I'm not allowed because it's too small to have livestock. So you were considering a horse?

54:16No, I was considering another shed.

54:25right here we go hello i'm amber a mom of one human and two border collies four years ago i settled my small business as a dog walker pet sit and a range of other services last year i decided to take my passion for healthy dog treats and turn it into an extra part of my business i make natural dog treat boxes and can customize boxes to suit each dog's dietary requirements or personal preferences. Each box is packed with love and I have a range of tissue paper, seasonal, birthday, et cetera, and love to sign each box with the dog's name. I'm based in Wigan, but also cover Bolton for my services and free local delivery.

55:00I offer UK wide postal delivery too. I love that. I'm based in Wigan, but also cover, I thought we shouldn't say the Northwest. No, Bolton, explicitly Bolton. But I'm a town between Wigan and Bolton. No, just Bolton. I will drive through you to get to a job in Bolton but not involve you um my website is dojo dogs.co.uk instagram dojo.dogs that's d-o-j-o and the facebook is dojo dogs adventures thank you amber hi i love the podcast it was my fave listening during the early days of parenthood with my now three-year-old and he's still saving my sanity as i figure out parenting newborn twins sounds like that she's not as into it as she was but fair enough just wondering if you could do a small business shout out to my friend's tutoring business learn with lollipop i've been lucky enough to work with lauren and she truly is an exceptional teacher i think i've got a um coal saw

56:02it's really hurting on the outside of your lip yeah i would get some zavarax or whatever the boots alternative is and just put it on now because you want to get it early before it evolves. I've been lucky enough to work with Lauren and she truly is an acceptable teacher who goes above and beyond. She's left the classroom and now specialises in EYFS, KS1 and KS2 tutoring. Supporting children with phonics, reading, writing and maths, all tailored to each individual child. Using their passions and interests to make learning fun and meaningful. Sessions are run from the lovely Lollipop Learning Lounge, cabin based in Basildon, Essex.

56:42at Learn With Lollipop on social. Thanks so much, Emily. Thanks, Emily. Thank you, Emily. I hope you haven't got a cold till, Josh. I'll update you next week. Okay. Put it in the order of business, Michael. See you next week. When we're having our script meetings. Bye. Bye.

57:09Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whittacombe here.

57:17I have got a new podcast, Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture. And I'm going to say it, I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do. And that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

57:55See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realized Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive or at least the funniest takes on Mr. Blobby. When Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real. When a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2. And David Hasselhoff, Baywatch and his part in the fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't.

58:27And you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history. Stiffnecks will learn, loosenecks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday. Perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Widdicombe. Available everywhere on the 1st of January.