S12 EP12: Lou Beckett (The Return)

5:26Lou Beckett:I know, but the job hasn't started.

5:28Rob Beckett:No, it does. That starts when we get a no.

5:30Lou Beckett:On my commute in, I'm allowed to be as fucking miserable as I want because I'm stuck on a train. I'm sorry you're there, but this is how I go to my job. So what I'm hearing here, what I'm hearing here, can I tell you what Lou did? She was trying to annoy me and then in the end, she got her fingers and made them dirty and then wiped them on my glasses made them dirty with her what? just like tried to get dirt on her fingers to wipe on my trying to make them

5:50Rob Beckett:quite hot and sweaty by rubbing them together then I rubbed them on his glasses see that's good she's diffused in the situation

5:55Josh Widdicombe:so some people might see this situation yeah I'm not saying I do go as quite a normal day for you yes quite a nerve wracking day for Lou thank you Josh and so I suppose the commute is is a stressful thing for Lou. Yes, because she's

6:14Lou Beckett:worried and nervous about it and I'm used to it so I'm being too, so it's my fault. No, I'm not saying that. Sorry I wasn't jolly enough but I find it hard to have fun on a southeastern train. Now as we say to the girls,

6:30Rob Beckett:if there's a but after a sorry, it's not sorry.

6:32Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, that's a good phrase. Well, I'm sorry. Is it just southeastern trains or are there other train providers that you haven't?

6:40Lou Beckett:No, that's the only one from that platform. Yeah, well, sorry I was being a bit miserable, but I am a bit like that. I'm sorry I made your glasses, Mary. Yeah.

6:49Josh Widdicombe:It's almost... But it's so difficult to do a sorry without a but. I know. Because you're allowed... It won't quit, will it? You're allowed to do... You can still be sorry, but have not justification, but go, the reason I was in a mood... Yeah. Anyway, anyway.

7:10Lou Beckett:I'm sorry I'm not the man you needed at that point.

7:12Rob Beckett:Thank you. But you're the only option.

7:16Lou Beckett:I'm definitely the man you need now.

7:18Rob Beckett:I've said to the girls before, and I know this is bad parenting, we'll go, you don't have to actually be sorry. You can still think you're right in your head. All you have to say is the word sorry and we can move this on.

7:26Lou Beckett:That's not good.

7:27Rob Beckett:I think that's fine. It moves it along. No?

7:31Lou Beckett:No, is that what you do? Draw a line under and move on. That's how I apologise. I don't think that's what we should be saying to the kids.

7:36Josh Widdicombe:Okay, okay. You take control of this. Sorry, sorry. So where did you, for full disclosure, you then arrived, Rob. We interviewed Prince Nassim Hamid. Yes. Where did you go, Lou?

7:47Rob Beckett:I went to have breakfast by myself. Oh, love.

7:50Josh Widdicombe:You didn't want to meet Prince Nassim?

7:53Rob Beckett:No, I wanted to go and have breakfast by myself.

7:55Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Did you have a nice breakfast?

7:56Rob Beckett:I did have a nice breakfast.

7:58Josh Widdicombe:What did you have?

7:58Rob Beckett:I had eggs and toast, and then I had a little side plate of crispy bacon, and a little bowl of beans.

8:05Josh Widdicombe:Arguably you had a full English, but just on different... Yeah, just on different bits.

8:10Rob Beckett:I don't really like my food touching. A sausage in a bowl.

8:15Josh Widdicombe:Toast on a plate.

8:18Rob Beckett:I like lots of plates.

8:19Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, fair enough. Right, so, Lou, you've written a book.

8:24Rob Beckett:I have, yes.

8:25Josh Widdicombe:And we don't normally do promos so specifically early, but I have read the book and it's brilliant.

8:33Rob Beckett:Thank you.

8:33Josh Widdicombe:I don't like reading PDFs, but I pushed through. Thank you.

8:37Rob Beckett:Can you imagine if you're like, I've read the book, I think it's shit, but we've got to do it anyway.

8:41Lou Beckett:I like PDFs. He loves PDFs. I love PDFs. Any chance to open Adobe Acrobat? Yeah.

8:47Rob Beckett:Really gets you going.

8:48Lou Beckett:This is a hard copy. So I've read the book actually, and this is the first time I've read a book for a guest we've had on. But I've read this one. Lessons from a Default Parent.

8:58Josh Widdicombe:I suppose first question, right?

9:00Rob Beckett:Yep.

9:01Josh Widdicombe:And it's a really good book. Thank you. We're going to get into, A, you can write really well, which is more difficult than a lot of the books we've read for this podcast.

9:11Rob Beckett:Or you've read for this podcast.

9:13Josh Widdicombe:Or I've read for this podcast, yeah. And I think what it is, right, is obviously we haven't helped this ourselves. There are a lot of books in the parenting genre, right? But what I loved about this, right, is we talk a lot about practicalities, right? Right. And we parenting comes down to often funny stories, practicalities. What do you do in this situation? What's your tip for this situation? How do you deal with X? This is a deeper conversation because it's about identity. And I think that's something that gets ignored a lot. But it is key to kind of the experience of parenting.

9:50Rob Beckett:Yeah, I think that's where it kind of went almost inadvertently, because there's loads of parenting books out there that tell you how to do this or that thing. and quite frankly I wouldn't have the audacity to try and tell people how to actually parent.

10:04Josh Widdicombe:I was pleased when I saw that you hadn't done that.

10:06Rob Beckett:I'm not here to tell anyone how to do it or that I'm doing it right or I've just told you that I tell my children to apologise but still think they're right in their head just to move the situation along. Creating these megalomaniacs. Sometimes you just got to get from A to B and move it on.

10:19Lou Beckett:Trying to unorder it from Amazon at that point. Don't think this is for me. Including her husband that just found out about that technique we've been teaching our children.

10:27Rob Beckett:I think for it's about for me I really really struggled with who I was once I became a mum yeah once you get out of the actual really hard bit of having a baby it goes on for fucking ages yeah it just doesn't stop like and I know that there'll be a lot of people going obviously like of course having being a mum doesn't stop or being a parent doesn't stop but it just went on and on and on and on and on and the further and the longer it went on the further I got away from the only person I ever remembered being

10:55Josh Widdicombe:yes I don't know if that makes yeah totally but and so had you kind of considered it before you became a mum that this would happen no because I don't think many people do and I don't think it's I'm not saying that you should have I'm saying you don't really do you

11:10Rob Beckett:no and I think I mean not I don't want to like negate the point of the book but I think even if I'd been told you go yeah but I know what having a baby's like or and I think you so focus on the practical bit of it you're going to have a baby and it's going to be tiny and cute and it's not going to sleep and you're going to have to look after it.

11:27Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, yeah, you think it's all sleeping and shitting. And it is.

11:30Rob Beckett:A lot of it is sleeping and shitting and dressing them in nice things and stuff.

11:34Josh Widdicombe:Yeah.

11:35Rob Beckett:But then there's this kind of big thing where you go, oh, oh, I'm not who I was and I don't know how you get back to that because now so much of me and what I do and how I perceive myself and how other people perceive you is all to do with this tiny little person who is the most important thing, of course they are

11:55Lou Beckett:and they end up growing up and then you're not needed as a mum or dad as much because you know they're at school where in the first few years it's 24-7 so then it's slowly the actual parenting responsibility drops slightly and you're just sitting well I'm mum but actually they're 15 and at the shops

12:12Rob Beckett:I just think that that really surprised me and I remember being in our like flat in Hither Green with our eldest when she was a teeny tiny baby and just kind of going like that little dawning realisation of not I can't do it but just that you can't do anything anymore without it relating to the child that you've just had. And when you say it now, I'm like, of course you can't. That should be obvious. And you do know that, but until it happens, and I don't think, I just wasn't prepared for it in any way. No.

12:42Josh Widdicombe:In any way. Well, there's an interesting thing you say in here. Let me get the... Rob's got a massive dick, is that in there? That's not made in there. No, no, no. Actually, before that, I should say, So for the definition, it's a really interesting term, the default parent. So what does the default parent mean for people that don't understand that term?

13:04Rob Beckett:I see. This is where I think I should have a really slick little 20 second answer that I can.

13:10Josh Widdicombe:But don't worry. We've got so long to fill in these podcasts. It's all content content. Let's work it out together.

13:17Rob Beckett:The default parent is the one that is beyond mental load. So I think we all understand what the mental load is. And I think we've kind of, that's covered a lot across a lot of different places. The default is kind of almost one step beyond that. It's that assumption of responsibility all the time. So it's like being the CEO or the COO of your kind of family.

13:41Josh Widdicombe:Yeah.

13:42Rob Beckett:But it's a job you've not ever applied for.

13:45Josh Widdicombe:Yeah.

13:45Rob Beckett:And if someone had probably given you a job description, you'd probably have gone, no, thank you.

13:50Lou Beckett:Yeah, yeah. That's a bit much. Badly paid. It's too much for one person. It's too much for one person. But I've been paying awful hours. Yeah.

13:56Rob Beckett:But I say, see, it's that kind of, it's the years long now, but it's the assumption of responsibility all the time that, yes, both parents have, but I would say in almost every dynamic, in whatever way it happens, you know, whatever your work split, whatever your kind of gender split, whatever that is for you, there will always be one parent in most situations who is who is assuming that role and probably has never actually had a conversation about it has never actually laid out well this is what it's going to be you do like who's going to go back to work and what hours and all of that kind of stuff but someone in that dynamic has probably assumed most of the responsibility and unless they specifically ask for something to be taken off their plate or specifically get some hours covered by somebody else.

14:50It's being in charge all the time.

14:54Lou Beckett:Yeah.

14:54Rob Beckett:Which sends you mad.

14:56Lou Beckett:I think that was a perfect description, to be honest.

14:59Rob Beckett:Okay.

14:59Lou Beckett:You said it was perfect. It was four and a half minutes long.

15:03Rob Beckett:About a thousand words to it. It was too many.

15:07Lou Beckett:With the default parent, it's normally like if there's a stay-at-home parent or someone's working part-time. Because it makes sense. But then even within two parents that are both working full-time, someone will still assume slightly more responsibilities and become the default. And in our relationship it's a bit clearer because obviously I was working all the time at a point in my career. It's like it was just unspoken but just assumed that you would and stuff.

15:31Rob Beckett:I think it may be hit, I don't want to be like, oh my God, it hit so much harder for me. I know I'm incredibly lucky. I'm not being like, woe is me. But I think that when we had our eldest, kind of three things happened. I think it was three, kind of simultaneously of like we had her I'd given up I'd gone part time and then I'd stopped being a teacher completely because my health was off the scale.

15:52Josh Widdicombe:So I didn't know much about this

15:53Rob Beckett:and you were flying career wise so it was like everything all at once

15:59Josh Widdicombe:I knew you'd been a teacher but it was really I mean one of the first things when you said I love history and I loved kind of communicating it to these kids and I did think when you got home I just can't even imagine Rob relating to someone being a history teacher. I don't think I've ever spoken to you about your job ever. I just couldn't imagine Rob going, yeah, I can imagine what you get out of that.

16:29Lou Beckett:No, the whole time I was thinking, why is she fucking doing that? Sounds horrible. Remember once when they stole your glass? They used to call you wonky glasses because we had no money and those glasses were so old and wonky. They called her wonky glasses. and the one of them stole your iPod Nano.

16:44Rob Beckett:I stole my iPod, smashed my mum's car windscreen. But you say that you were going in on Saturdays

16:50Josh Widdicombe:to help kids and...

16:51Rob Beckett:Yeah, we did Saturdays. I worked at a school where we got them, not we, they got themselves very good grades, but there was a lot of intervention put in. So I worked at school in Thamesmead, which if you know London, or if you're not from London, it's...

17:05Josh Widdicombe:It's in London.

17:06Rob Beckett:It's in, yeah, South East London. We were sandwiched between like an industrial shopping estate and HMS, not HMS, HMP, Belmarsh. You know, it...

17:16Josh Widdicombe:But you weren't getting many from Belmarsh coming in, were you? No, they were going there. You couldn't put one route. But you know, it's a very... Not to be glib about it, but there's an incredible bit which almost, like, took my breath away where you said the kid that Rob talked about in his best man's speech, not best man's speech, his groom's speech about you, how much you'd done to help that kid, is now in prison for murder.

17:43Rob Beckett:Yeah, I really wish I hadn't found out about that because I had him as my, like, I've made a difference. I'm such a good person.

17:50Josh Widdicombe:But it shows what an extreme life you were living.

17:53Lou Beckett:Yeah, but that was after Lou was teaching. That was in jury. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

17:56Rob Beckett:I like to say I delayed the inevitable.

17:58Josh Widdicombe:Once he found out that Lou was no default parent. No, but what I mean is, like, you would really put yourself into this kind of career which you believed in and was difficult. And then...

18:09Lou Beckett:Lou was so good at it as well. Every Ofsted was outstanding. You were incredible. There was an incredible teacher and talented and good at it as well. Thank you.

18:18Rob Beckett:I just, I really, really love history. And I liked the relationship with the pupils and I liked having colleagues and I had a really good department I worked in, but like my body was just not having it anymore.

18:29Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, so you basically had to stop because of ill health.

18:32Rob Beckett:Yeah, so ulcerative colitis, quickest way to describe it is my body will try and shit itself to death in any stressful situation. which doesn't really work if you've got to you know which really shines a light on

18:45Josh Widdicombe:Rob's behaviour this morning when Lou was stressed and he wasn't helping

18:48Lou Beckett:oh yeah but she's in remission now so I've got pushed a boat out of that yeah so I'm not

18:52Rob Beckett:I haven't had a flare for ages but what my flare's come from we've worked it out it's stress and then obviously that job was quite stressful and it just it had escalated to a point where it wasn't feasible I mean I caught you crying in the shower

19:03Lou Beckett:didn't I before you know bed sitting nude cross court year is a weird word yeah I was working by the door.

19:17Lou Beckett:But you know, but like Lou's like, I think Lou like making a joke out, but that ulcerative colitis is so debilitating. We'd go on holiday. I remember I was in New York, weren't we? And like, you could be, Lou could have been trapped in the toilet for like five, six hours.

19:29Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, and you were out doing the sights, weren't you?

19:31Lou Beckett:Well, once, I remember on our honeymoon in Venice, Lou was in the toilet and it was like seven at night. I think I'd be in there all night and I went out for a walk didn't I? you said go out for a walk I went out for a walk I don't know if this is I've painted a great lie

19:45Josh Widdicombe:she told you to go for a walk

19:47Rob Beckett:and there's nothing you can do at that point I'd say if anything

19:51Josh Widdicombe:if Lou's shitting herself on the toilet she probably doesn't want you there are you shitting yourself on a toilet?

19:57Lou Beckett:that's my question when Lou said go for a walk she didn't say also find an Italian bar and watch the Champions League semi-final to your tennis club you're a lovely time I had a nice time. But yeah, it was impacting us quite, you especially. But you're right.

20:10Josh Widdicombe:I found it very moving. Because you know someone's a teacher, but you don't know what it means to them. Do you know what I mean? And you forget that about your own teachers. And then there's this kind of slightly heartbreaking bit where you re-interview to be a teacher and it all goes wrong.

20:26Rob Beckett:Genuinely, I think it was the single worst day of my life.

20:28Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, you do say that.

20:31Rob Beckett:I've been blue-lighted to hospital. And you shat yourself on your honeymoon.

20:36Josh Widdicombe:While your husband wants the event versus Real Madrid. And so you've then become a parent. And by dint of being a mum, that is a role that is defined by someone else. Admittedly, it's your daughters, but you're still suddenly defined as someone else. And so that's a really difficult thing. And I think we focus a lot on the practicalities of stuff. You don't focus on the psychological kind of feeling of losing yourself, right? Yeah, and I think I properly, I realised it more in retrospect, actually, I think.

21:11Rob Beckett:Like, that interview I did, which...

21:14Lou Beckett:The job interview.

21:15Rob Beckett:Yeah, the teaching interview. And, like, I don't know how I've only ever been a teacher. I've kind of worked in events for a little bit. I've worked in a pub. But my only kind of career has been a teacher, so I only know teaching interviews. But they go on for so long. It's like hours and hours. It's like a half day. I couldn't believe that. Sometimes a full day process.

21:33Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, so they watch you teach a lesson.

21:35Rob Beckett:They watch you teach a lesson and they've always given you something that they don't really care about. So there's not much material on it. So like, I had something like St. John, not St. John's churches.

21:44Josh Widdicombe:And do the kids know that you're a kind of triad teacher?

21:45Rob Beckett:Oh yeah, yeah, they all know that you're their secondary school. So they've got two teachers at the back who are watching you and making their little notes. And I've done this. I've been the teacher at the back watching somebody's interview and I want to apologise to everyone that I watched while they scribbled my little notes. Like I should have just sat there with a supportive smile and thought those things in my head and not written them down.

22:04Josh Widdicombe:Because also it's like doing a driving test in that it's not a reality. It's such a heightened situation that you're not teaching naturally.

22:11Rob Beckett:And a lot of my behaviour management is based on like knowing the kids and having that bit of rapport and like I'd have a tin of biscuits and bribery. Bonky glasses,

22:19Lou Beckett:nick your iPod.

22:20Rob Beckett:Yeah, I'd give them my iPod and let them smash it. You know, it was fun. But that, you've got nothing in those lessons because you don't know them. I don't know if I, I think I might have put this in, but I thought I was doing some like really good behaviour management. I was walking around the class. I like walking around the class. I like getting in with it. So I was talking to them. I was walking around. I'd already had to get one of them to start my PowerPoint for me because despite the fact I'd done it the day before, I couldn't remember how to start a PowerPoint. I'd lost. I mean, it wouldn't start strong.

22:48Rob Beckett:And I was walking around the classroom.

22:51Lou Beckett:Louie's susceptible to a complete and utter head loss, you know, like dazzling on the pitch crying, Gary Lineker pointing at him kind of vibe. There's no Gary Lineker, is there? No, there's no Gary Lineker.

23:01Rob Beckett:There's just no point in a teaching interview to stop and regroup. If I could have had two minutes just outside having some deep breaths and a word with myself. But I was like, the lesson was going okay, and I was ignoring the teachers in the corner. It was fine, but I like walking around a classroom and kind of doing a little bit of gentle, like, you know, little gentle behaviour management. And they hadn't told me. They give you the data, but they can't give you lots of data for the kids, obviously, because it's protected. So they give me their levels and whatnot, so where to pitch it?

23:27Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, you did put this in, by the way, and it made me want to eat my own hands.

23:32Rob Beckett:Yeah, it just, I wanted to gouge my own eyes out and just kind of collapse in a little, like, Wicked Witch of the West melt puddle. They hadn't told me one of the girls is very hard of hearing or deaf and lip reads. So when I was walking around, she couldn't lip read what I was saying because I was behind her. So she kept asking the girl next to her to repeat it. So then I kind of did a bit of gentle, oh, you know, why are we talking? Do you need something? Oh, God.

23:55Josh Widdicombe:And then they went at the end, like,

23:57Rob Beckett:oh you know you couldn't know this but she's actually deaf and I was like well that can't count against me surely you can't count that against me I think you've got to tell the person

24:06Josh Widdicombe:you've got to tell someone that's got to be I'd say fact number one just say a girl in the class

24:11Rob Beckett:lip reads can you stay at the front of the classroom sure fine I don't think that's

24:14Josh Widdicombe:protected data as well no because obviously deaf is the hardest one to tell isn't it she's not going

24:18Lou Beckett:I've got to see I'm a secret deaf person yeah it's not that yeah it's not I don't want anyone Because we're blind. If there's a dog in sunglasses. Exactly. It's more obvious. No, I'm saying someone who's deaf, it's a harder one to spot, isn't it?

24:34Rob Beckett:Oh, no, it just, and that set the tone for the day. I couldn't get my breath. They had to tell me, like at one point in the one-on-one, she was like, do you need a minute to calm down, take a breath? And I was like,

24:44Josh Widdicombe:would you ever go back to teaching?

24:47Rob Beckett:I would love to in some capacity. I still think now, like I've got half written schemes of work for PSHE topics.

24:54Josh Widdicombe:I don't know what either of those terms mean.

24:56Rob Beckett:PSHE is like personal, social or sexual health education. It can be economics. It can kind of, it's the big coverall for everything that you should learn at school. But they don't, because you can't get a grade in an exam. I'm going to go on a rant now. They don't deem it important enough to make a subject. Here's my soapbox rant then about PSHE. You have to do it. It's compulsory. There's no official curriculum. But there are things you have to cover. But it's all the important stuff. Like not being a fascist. And not being radical. and not getting pregnant at 12 and consent and taxes. It's all of it, but they're trying to squash it into like half hour of form time.

25:35Rob Beckett:They don't want to waste money on something

25:36Lou Beckett:they can't get a grade for.

25:38Rob Beckett:And the person that normally ends up doing it is somebody like me, who I did it in my old school, who they can't find anyone else to do it because it's quite a lot of responsibility because you have to do the whole school for not very much money or resources or curriculum. I still do half PSHE curriculums in my head and how I teach that lesson. I really miss having a staff room to go to and colleagues.

26:03Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, because that's the other thing is a workplace, not always, but certainly in your case, you're part of a team.

26:10Rob Beckett:Yeah.

26:10Josh Widdicombe:And you've got measurable things that you're achieving and all that kind of stuff. And then you're at home on your own.

26:17Rob Beckett:I love someone to go, good job.

26:19Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Certificate. I bet you'd love a teaching staff. Yeah, and you weren't getting that off your husband. That's very clear. No.

26:26Rob Beckett:If he tried to do something I don't know I've ever spoke to her

26:28Josh Widdicombe:about working, your job, history. Would you ever ask him about his job? No. No one really talks about work at home. No one wants to talk about their jobs at home. No one cares. If I bring up my... If Rose... You don't talk about your work at home.

26:41Rob Beckett:No, I don't. Piss off. Leave it out. Here we go. Here we go. All the time. When? All the time.

26:48Lou Beckett:I barely talk about work.

26:51Josh Widdicombe:But would it be that he's asking for advice on it or would it be you're not going to believe what happened today? Romesh did X, Y and Z.

26:59Lou Beckett:No, it'll be me going, I've got to go to Coventry.

27:02Rob Beckett:You tell me how you feel about things quite a lot.

27:07Josh Widdicombe:Too many feelings.

27:10Rob Beckett:I'm going to say sorry and move on. We know what that means.

27:16Lou Beckett:I'm not going to trust one of your sorries ever again.

27:19Rob Beckett:I'm not sorry so much. Sometimes I've just got to move it on.

27:24Lou Beckett:Lou loves having the fucking up with me. Sometimes you'll try and push it. So I have the up. You love having a little row about something. We had a row when we got back for holiday. We were both jet lagged because Lou was on a bit of a woman on a mission getting stuff done. And I'd say had quite a strong energy. And I said it's like a wild tiger's been released in the house. And Lou went mental at me and stormed upstairs. Yeah, that's a mistake. That was rude. I was single-handedly taking all the Christmas decorations down

27:51Rob Beckett:while you watched the football, which I was absolutely fine with. I was like, I want to keep awake. You watch the football. I just want to potter. And then I did have a little snap at one of the children.

28:01Lou Beckett:Was it Arsenal?

28:02Josh Widdicombe:It wasn't even Arsenal?

28:03Lou Beckett:No, it was Tottenham were playing. I can't remember. Man City, Chelsea. No, it was only at one point my daughter said, Mummy, what's for dinner? She went, what?

28:11Rob Beckett:I know. I didn't apologise. I just tried to move the conversation on as quickly as possible.

28:14Lou Beckett:And it was because it was on all fours trying to sort of manically get all the Christmas decorations away. And as she looked up, she went, what? So that's what it looked like. Right, right, right. A tiger slash animal. Yeah.

28:25Rob Beckett:I just thought it was rude and unnecessary to comment.

28:28Josh Widdicombe:Did you step in and go, I'll make dinner? Well, yeah, I did make dinner. Oh, that's good. I was doing lots as well. We were both doing lots. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You've diffused it now. Well. There's another bit. I just want to get the quote. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there is a quote that I disagreed with, which is when you describe Rob as the nicest man in the world, apart from your dad.

28:51Rob Beckett:well I also slag him off quite a lot so he had to balance it right right that was for balance there had to be some balance somewhere I don't think

28:57Josh Widdicombe:I'm the nicest man in the world but one of the things I think that's really interesting is this is difficult because you don't want it to sound like a woe is you thing because you don't address this but I think it is worth is that if you're worried about losing your identity you've got the double problem that I think being married to someone famous is in itself such a damage to your own personal identity because if you go to anything, you are, the focus is on Rob. If you go to a restaurant, people are excited about Rob and I often think that with Rose, it is, you know, publicly often it's a supporting role.

29:39Josh Widdicombe:Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

29:40Lou Beckett:and I think most people as well would say,

29:42Josh Widdicombe:what's Rob up to?

29:43Lou Beckett:Even when they speak to you, they'll chat to you because they'll think they're being rude if they don't mention me and then it's you are sort of like rob's wife a lot which must be frustrating if you're already struggling with working out who you are obviously our lifestyle is massive benefits we're very

29:58Rob Beckett:100 but and i know and i never mind talking about you it's it was more that i felt like i didn't have anything to contribute for myself and you kind of realize over a period of time you go actually i talk about a lot about what the girls are doing or where we've been or what we've done or what they've done or enjoyed. And then I talk about you and people go, oh, what have you done? I go, absolutely nothing. Do you know what? Like, I've been to soft play. I've been to playgroups. I've tried messy play. I went to see Andy in the Odd Sox. Get your nails done. Oh, that must have been good.

30:29Lou Beckett:Massage.

30:29Rob Beckett:Oh, Andy in the Odd Sox. They were great. They were great. And he was great. He was lovely. They were all lovely. I thought you were about to go on Andy. No, no, no. I schlepped our two-year-old up to, he was in Shepherd's Bush. We went all the way up, obviously we're South East. So we went up in, across, out. We paid extra for the meet and greet tickets at the end with the photo. And she watched the show with kind of, I'd say, a perplexed ambivalence. Is that our daughter? Are you talking in the third person?

30:56Lou Beckett:That's our daughter. All right.

30:59Rob Beckett:So they did all their songs. They've got like an album of songs, but they had like a big inflatable dinosaur. It was very, they'd thrown everything at it. She watched that with, yeah, I don't know if she was enjoying it, but she was processing it. and then at the end you could queue up and have a photo with Andy and the Odd Socks and she lost her shit having to get near them she was screaming blue murder so I've got this photo where they're all grinning manically and I'm kind of wrestling this screaming two year old and then on the way back she tried to do dog shit managed to get it all up the back of her trousers

31:28Josh Widdicombe:I've interviewed him about this

31:30Rob Beckett:I think I might have been asked

31:31Lou Beckett:it's weird though isn't it because like Andy and the Odd Socks for a point was one of the most important people in my life for about four months and then it just evaporates like Mr Tumble was on the telly all the time he still is

31:40Rob Beckett:if we just don't watch the programme

31:42Lou Beckett:if we had Mr Tumble on the telly now all four of us would go what the fuck

31:45Josh Widdicombe:is he doing in the front room do you know what my son put him on over Christmas and you could see my daughter watching it almost nostalgically even though she's eight she was like oh wow I remember the song do you know what I mean yeah because I was going to say I know that Rose used to struggle didn't enjoy going to parties with me or something maybe partly but like until she started working again and then she got much more, felt more, she didn't enjoy being the, oh, what do you do? Oh, I just look after, she really didn't like that. Do you know what I mean? It's difficult. It feels that what, it's not emasculating, whatever the equivalent is.

32:25Rob Beckett:Yeah, I think it's hard because you kind of almost have to hold two things, two things can be true at the same time of I'm really proud of being the girl's mum and I'm really proud of the work I put into it and I really enjoy it and I love it. You're amazing at it.

32:40Lou Beckett:Thank you.

32:41Rob Beckett:I try my hardest at it. Nicest man in the world. But also at the same time you can go when people go oh what do you do you go oh I'm justa and it's so hard not to put that justa but then if you don't put justa mum you go oh I'm a stay at home mum you kind of go but I can do more or I did do more but you shouldn't have to do more because you're doing fucking loads. You're doing loads.

33:03Josh Widdicombe:Let me tell you about this interview I did

33:06Lou Beckett:to be a history teacher But it's an issue, though, that most default parents and most female women deal with because, you know, you don't want to say just because it is hard and is it like a full time job? But there is a finite amount of time when your kids will become adults. And you've lost your if you've lost your identity and you're a stay at home parent. All of a sudden you're facing like there's no one in the house. It's why the empty nest is such a big thing. Yeah. Who am I? What do I do now? Because, you know, when you're 50, you could have lived for another 40 years. and what do you do with that?

33:37Lou Beckett:Oh, I'm a mum. Well, you're not anymore because they're adults. Yeah. You know, what is... You're always a pair of mum. Yeah, I know, but... But it's not like filling your day anymore. No, no, no, totally.

33:47Rob Beckett:No, I just think it's that thing of almost trying to be all things to all people, but like trying to be all things to yourself as well. Yeah. Of like... And I almost felt like I wasn't... I didn't have anything to add to a conversation because I hadn't done anything. But I had. I'd done loads, but it just wasn't anything necessarily either new or I'd end up talking about the girls or I'd end up talking about Rob. And I don't know if Rose feels the same way. It was very much, apart from, I'd say one, I shan't name any names, one isolated incident at a party we were at where someone asked me what I did.

34:19Rob Beckett:And I went, oh, I used to be a teacher and now I'm a mum. And she went, oh, lovely. And then kind of, she literally shut the circle. Or they, sorry. Yeah, that was so right. Shut the circle with me on the outside of it. And I was like, oh, cool. It's been a me thing. of no one really has ever made me feel less for saying that. I just...

34:38Josh Widdicombe:No, it's all in your own head, of course.

34:39Rob Beckett:You've spent your whole life up to that point having something to say, something you've done, somewhere you've been, something you've achieved at work, a funny story, and suddenly you go like, what have you done? Nothing. I sat at the wall and cried. It's so weird, isn't it?

34:52Josh Widdicombe:And it's difficult because I think people feel like, oh, I've had kids so I can't... You say it in the book, you're incredibly lucky, you know how blessed you are. Yeah, completely. So it's really difficult to then go, but I feel like I've lost my identity I feel like I'm a dude but now how does it feel does it feel weirdly exposing because I for a living obviously for the last 15 years have and Rob has put myself out there like the word probably creatively is the wrong word but you know like gone you're basically walking on stage going I think these jokes are funny or you're going onto the one show and you're going I think this TV show I've made is good or I'm funny you should come to my tour yeah you should come to my tour or you should listen to my podcast or you should read my book we're opportunity whores yeah but I still find that utterly exposing and terrifying and awful even now 15 years old like I had a conversation with Romesh recently where we both agreed the best thing to do would be if you could just make the things and then they never came out yeah the actual creative process of writing the book is the joy right but now you how does it feel to do that again it's that i hate it so it's the two things of wanting the two things to be true at the same time i've really enjoyed writing the book i found

36:13Rob Beckett:it really cathartic and validating and it was really nice to have the opportunity in a kind of longer form to give proper voice or body to the kind of feelings and thoughts that and a lot of the time didn't even realize i was having at the time it was really i don't know quite I don't know if cleansing is the right word, but like cathartic, validating, to get it all out there. And then to have other people read it and then go, oh, me too, or that's how I felt. Or that's been really nice. I don't fundamentally, and I know that they like, obviously I've been a teacher, I've stood in front of classrooms and stuff like that.

36:47Rob Beckett:I don't really like speaking in front of people. I don't really like talking to new people. I'm not very good at putting myself out there. My kind of default, no pun intended, is to go, I've written a book, it's probably a bit shit, just leave it, don't waste your money. Like all of that, but like do waste your money please buy it

37:01Josh Widdicombe:but that is I don't look we all feel like that right you swing between

37:09Rob Beckett:I don't know

37:10Josh Widdicombe:she's our head's gone

37:11Rob Beckett:lost the block too hot

37:11Josh Widdicombe:you swing between I'm the new Virginia wolf and this is shit no one should buy it yeah on a minute by minute basis

37:19Rob Beckett:on one hand I'm really really proud for it but then on the other hand I'd be quite happy if no one looked at me ever again yeah exactly like don't look at me don't look at me but I want it I want it

37:28Josh Widdicombe:Would you like to do a different type of book after this?

37:34Rob Beckett:Yes, I loved writing. I love the process of writing. I like getting things out. How did you fit it in?

37:41Josh Widdicombe:Like, how was it suddenly going, this is now? Like, or not even fitting it in, but how did you go, okay, now I've got to approach this like a job, like for the first time in what, eight years?

37:53Lou Beckett:Please tell everybody how you started writing the book. Can I, I said, I said, get yourself a nice new laptop and go to David Lloyd. We've got members of David Lloyd, right? Go to David Lloyd. They've got a workspace place in there. So you can go there, do a bit of the gym if you want. Go in the, like, there's got, like, a spa, sauna. Then you can write all day. They can bring you food and drink and get yourself a new laptop. You can't take a laptop in a sauna. No, in the workspace. What Lou did was decide to write it at home on her iPad. iPad? Yeah.

38:22Rob Beckett:It got very slow by the end.

38:25Lou Beckett:Tapping the screen? No, no, I had little people. Oh, right, right.

38:28Josh Widdicombe:I was going to say, funny.

38:29Lou Beckett:She had the keyboard. But obviously an iPad is not as powerful as a proper word processing laptop. Yeah, yeah. So then your iPad went really, really slow.

38:37Rob Beckett:I was all right till the end. You know, he wanted to go back and like change some words and it was taking three minutes to load the page before. I was like, this is not.

38:44Josh Widdicombe:So you were doing that? Yeah.

38:46Rob Beckett:I very quickly realised I couldn't do it at home because I will just put Hey You on the telly and watch Real Housewives or something. And like, oh, right at the same time. I didn't. I had to go out of the house. Do you think, well, he's right if I've got a laptop to work on.

38:59Lou Beckett:I think it's a good idea. And I was like, let's just scroll back to what I said, buy a laptop. And then Lou had to cheat to come to me one day. She went, tell you what, I've been down there at David Lloyd. It's really good down there to write. True or not? True or not? No, no, very true.

39:11Rob Beckett:You were right.

39:12Lou Beckett:Thank you.

39:13Rob Beckett:Eventually.

39:14Lou Beckett:Would I say sorry and not mean it?

39:15Rob Beckett:Well, no, I'd say 98 % of the book got written on that iPad.

39:19Lou Beckett:On the iPad at home.

39:19Rob Beckett:I was worried it was actually going to physically implode and I would have no more book. but I know I enjoyed it and I think that I just it was quite nice to have something where I go I'm going to go and work now like this is what but also it's the girls are in school so I could drop them off I would have most of the day then I think when they go to school

39:37Lou Beckett:is when you're I think as a parent a weird opening of so much more time than you did when they weren't but on top of that you have a logistics a mental load of PE day swimming clubs pick up time drop off other parents parties parties and stuff like that. And it just, like, I was fairly across it, not last year, the year before, but then the last year, I was away from home. I mentioned to you 180 to 200 nights last year. Mentioned it. Lou was fucking out, mate. Lou was doing everything. He dropped it in a couple of times. But I know nothing now. I've got no, I only found out the other day what our eldest teacher's called.

40:13Lou Beckett:Didn't even know what that was. That was bad.

40:14Josh Widdicombe:That is bad, considering this podcast is quite a big part of your identity.

40:19Rob Beckett:And he found out what she was called on our way to the meeting for Parents' Evening.

40:29Josh Widdicombe:We did this with Romesh and it felt like we'd just jumped out with a quiz on him where we got Lisa to answer things.

40:38Lou Beckett:Oh, yeah.

40:38Josh Widdicombe:We could do a few on you now, Rob, actually. I hadn't considered this, but let's have a look at the mental load. What day has been day?

40:46Lou Beckett:Oh, I know that. That's Sundays. No, it goes out Sunday. They clip Monday.

40:50Rob Beckett:Make click Monday morning. Okay, good.

40:52Josh Widdicombe:Okay, Rob. What day is PE for your daughters? Now, what day is it today?

41:01Rob Beckett:One of them took in a PE bag this morning. Can you remember which one?

41:05Lou Beckett:It's Wednesday today. Yeah, so PE day is Wednesday.

41:08Rob Beckett:Swimming day is Wednesday. Oh, you dumped me with a PE bag.

41:12Lou Beckett:Shit. I don't know. I don't know what any of the days are. Okay. Can you name?

41:18Josh Widdicombe:Lou, give me the number of clubs that they both do. Shall I try and say the clubs they do? Yes, but we just need to know the target number.

41:25Rob Beckett:So they've done new clubs this term, so some of them are different.

41:28Lou Beckett:No, it's not. I should be across it, shouldn't I?

41:31Josh Widdicombe:For the record, three days into the new term.

41:34Rob Beckett:Do music lessons count as clubs?

41:36Lou Beckett:Yeah, yeah. Okay.

41:37Rob Beckett:I'm not going to put the new one in that they haven't done yet, but starts this term.

41:41Lou Beckett:I don't mind putting that in.

41:41Rob Beckett:Okay, fine, I'll put that in. You know it. Okay, I do know it. How many? Seven.

41:46Lou Beckett:between them so one does football

41:51Rob Beckett:club

41:52Lou Beckett:one's doing drum lessons one's doing singing lessons Lego club circus skills Lego and circus

42:06Josh Widdicombe:choir

42:08Rob Beckett:they don't do choir anymore they used to do choir she had to give up choir for football

42:13Lou Beckett:but that happened in September

42:15Rob Beckett:Are you pleased about that? You can't have your honeymoon from football. No, she stopped coding. She didn't like it.

42:20Lou Beckett:Taekwondo went down the swan. It's definitely not that. Got a full taekwondo kit though. I'm just guessing that. I've got... No, no idea.

42:31Josh Widdicombe:Give the first letter, Lou.

42:32Rob Beckett:G? I was going to do it phonetically. G? G?

42:36Lou Beckett:G? Golf? Gaming? Gaming? Guitar? Guitar! Oh, shit! She's been doing that year! You're surrounded by them! There's literally eight of them in the room. That's because she's been doing it so long. And then the other one? Board games. Board games?

42:50Josh Widdicombe:Yeah.

42:50Lou Beckett:What kind of waste of space shit is that?

42:52Josh Widdicombe:Lego board games and what was the other one? Circus skills. Circus skills. I bloody love circus skills. The other thing about you, Rob, which I know from your time in the comedy circuit, is you love people that come from the circus world. Honestly. You think they're the best performers in comedy.

43:08Lou Beckett:Daddy, we're going to the fringe to do street performing. Are you? your smelly little hemp jumper and your shit juggling

43:16Josh Widdicombe:Robert I love sci-fi skills and what are the timings of school?

43:21Lou Beckett:so 8 o 'clock's the earliest you could drop them yep and then 8.35 doors yep doors locked nice big gap

43:28Rob Beckett:yeah lovely big window pick up

43:30Josh Widdicombe:we've got 8 to late 15 that's tight

43:32Rob Beckett:that is tight isn't it

43:34Josh Widdicombe:yeah

43:34Rob Beckett:we've got big old window before you lay big old window

43:36Josh Widdicombe:I think there's a lot of

43:37Lou Beckett:commuting before you have to do the walk of shame through the office but we live on the next road so it's great Yeah, but you're not always commuting to Exeter, isn't it? They are, Rob. Walking into town. No, not walking.

43:47Josh Widdicombe:No, people drive into Exeter.

43:48Lou Beckett:The Met Office is based there. The Met Office.

43:51Josh Widdicombe:That's it. Thank you, Luke. Do you know what? A bit of respect. Not just a knee-jerk anger.

43:57Lou Beckett:Sorry, I didn't realise that the Met Center was there. The Met Office. Sorry. I told you I was in a mood, didn't I? And then pick up is like 3.30 for both of them. Which one, 3.20?

44:09Rob Beckett:They used to be 3.20. they're 3.30 now both 3.30 yeah

44:12Lou Beckett:right yeah so 3.30 and then sometimes there's clubs then it adds a bit it's like yeah clubs are 4.30 yeah yeah that's what I was going to say and final question yeah what are their lunch choices so lunch they have at school but there is a snack box yeah and in that goes breadsticks yep miscellaneous fruit

44:36Rob Beckett:yep

44:37Lou Beckett:and which fruits would be acceptable and unacceptable

44:40Rob Beckett:blueberries for one which one strawberries yeah both both and that's uh popcorn for one not really

44:53Lou Beckett:a fruit but yeah i know what's this oh yeah i don't i don't know but this is only what i saw

44:58Rob Beckett:from this morning it's a division of responsibility which makes sense it doesn't mean it's a i'd say

45:09Lou Beckett:it doesn't mean it's a bad thing that you are or not each relationship

45:12Josh Widdicombe:falls into a way also I should you know if someone's listening to this podcast for the first time because because they've come through Lou and then they've found out that we're I'm the husband of Lou Beckett you're the husband of Lou Beckett then I should say go back to there's no doubt in the world that you're a really caring and involved parent well okay saying it out loud like that means that it looks like I'm not well you didn't know you didn't know breadsticks. I didn't know breadsticks. You didn't know breadsticks. That would be my downfall. You didn't know breadsticks. No, no, but do you know what I mean?

45:46Josh Widdicombe:So that's why we can play these games. Yeah, of course. There's people we've interviewed. You've been very nice. There's people we've interviewed where if we played this game, it would be so awkward. Yeah, no, I'm not bothered.

45:55Rob Beckett:I think I'm clear in it as well that it's this situation isn't because you're selfish or anything like that and it's not necessarily even a bad situation. It's just, because it makes sense. A lot of the time it makes sense. It starts with that biological thing of like, you're off. you're with them and it's not necessarily a bad thing it is just that I felt very lost in it and it's taken a while to get back and I think

46:21Josh Widdicombe:it's great to articulate that because I think it's an important thing to say I don't think obviously you've given a lot of caveats but it is something that loads of people go through and it's something that isn't talked about as much as you know a child failing to latch on or yeah that kind of minutiae yeah because really we spend our whole lives in our own heads and these things that's what our identity is so important to us

46:49Rob Beckett:i think if you're looking for like very specific parenting tips this is not that book this is not yeah it's not a parenting book per se it's my experiences of being a parent and then being the default parent specifically and I hope when other people read it that they feel kind of validation in a way of like oh it's not just me yeah or that happens across a lot of different people and places and and I mean there are there are sorry no no from reading it it's like it's a book for people

47:23Lou Beckett:that feel slightly lost and alone as a parent even though that's why you're identified with it yeah on the surface everyone is great it's you know healthy kids life's going well but you can still feel a bit like unhappy with where you are but also there's a really good bit where you say and

47:38Josh Widdicombe:it really struck a chord with me even though i'm not a woman um is where you say i don't know if the maternal instinct is a thing it's just that you're you've got to look after this child and i think that's a really important thing to like say is to go you know because i think there's a lot of pressure that you go oh I have to feel this exact way yeah that is what I love every second of it

48:01Rob Beckett:and something's wrong if you're not loving every second of it whereas actually I go I worked really hard to be the parent that I am and there's nothing and that and I'm proud of that necessarily

48:13Lou Beckett:like it might not have all just been a natural yeah because you hate you being pregnant I've

48:18Rob Beckett:never known I'm not a very pleasant pregnant person I think that's pregnant looks horrible

48:23Lou Beckett:looks shit

48:25Rob Beckett:yeah people go I should just say that

48:28Josh Widdicombe:by the way I mean it looks like you don't like their bodies no you don't like pregnant women's bodies do not clip that bit up what do you think of pregnant women's bodies I think they're beautiful

48:38Lou Beckett:I was going to ask as well is there anything you've heard on the podcast that you obviously you give me my right reply in the book which is in there and I appear on the audio version of the book where I have my right reply from what's written in there because you do give me a bit of shit which is fair enough No, I don't need to use specific shit.

48:55Rob Beckett:I'd say the non-default parent, which a lot of the time is men.

49:00Lou Beckett:So am I the non-default?

49:02Rob Beckett:Yes.

49:05Josh Widdicombe:The word non and D are two negatives, so you could just remove both of them and you're the fault. I'm the fault parent. This isn't like a men are terrible.

49:15Rob Beckett:It's just that the majority of the time, the default parent tends to be whoever's the mum in the dynamic. Obviously, change all of that. I say this at the beginning, change any of the pronouns, terminology, whatever I'm using to suit your own family set up, whatever that is. But a lot of the time it is the quote unquote mum in the scenario. This isn't like, oh, men are terrible. They don't do anything. It's just recognising a reality.

49:44Lou Beckett:When we were kids, right, if your mum worked, especially when I grew up in South East London in the 90s, if your mum had a career basically in the playground and they'd say she didn't love you, right? Because your mum works. What? Oh, she doesn't want to be at home with you because everyone's mum was at home and the men went to work.

50:00Rob Beckett:Yeah.

50:00Lou Beckett:So now there's a world where it's more, it's easier, it's still not perfect, but it's easier to be a career woman with children. Nowhere near as easy as it is for a man, but it's more common now than it was. But now there's this undue pressure to, one, be a brilliant mum, but also make the most of being a feminist and have a career. And you can't do everything perfectly. it's too much pressure where the men's expectations of sort of being like oh you need to do a bit more parenting but like for the women you've got to be this perfect woman that can be a mum at home do all the parties do all the amazing stuff and on top of that have a career and it's like it's a lot of pressure and I think actually it was Ashley and Bea's episode where she sat down I loved her episode it was brilliant it was the first time I'd heard that people and I think read this book listen to the episode and before you know because the ship's sort of sad for a lot of people that have got kids but if you haven't got kids yet if you listen to the episode and read this book and go right what are we doing when the kid comes not with you know feeding and who's doing milk at this point like how much are you you in charge of that or am i in charge of that and have a discussion about it

51:04Rob Beckett:i would say and obviously i know i would say this because i'm like everyone should buy it but i don't think it's ever too late to stop and re-evaluate and look at things and go well actually is there a reason why we've got this set up or is there a reason why i'm doing xyz and i think a lot of the time unless you stop and quite consciously evaluate the kind of set up all your dynamics things just rumble on being a parent is like being in government in that you're just

51:33Josh Widdicombe:firefighting from all the time situation to the next and the last thing you want to do in your one hour to yourselves is have a root and branch review about the dynamics of your relationship

51:44Lou Beckett:This is what's annoying me about the way you parent.

51:48Rob Beckett:I wouldn't lead with this is what's annoying me about the way you parent. What would you suggest then, a practical thing?

51:52Lou Beckett:Would you like a long list of all the responsibilities?

51:55Rob Beckett:No, I tried to write one of the end of chapter bits and it sent me a bit mad. No, I speak to Anna Williamson in the book because I was like, obviously I can tell you what I've experienced. She's a relationship expert. She's a brilliant relationship expert. She's given me some brilliant advice.

52:11Josh Widdicombe:You don't need to get plugged into your own show, though.

52:14Rob Beckett:And she's given a lot of practical tips on how to approach kind of difficult conversations and stuff like that. But I would just say it's never too late. Obviously, before you have a kid is brilliant. When they're babies is a great time. But at any point you can go, actually, is there a reason why I'm doing, why I'm responsible for all of these things? So something I've started doing. And I don't know how much you were aware of it before you read of kind of going quite consciously, not assume responsibility for things that I'm not responsible for yeah can I go they've got a party at the weekend who's going to take them yes we've got clubs at the weekend which one of us shall take them yeah do you want to do it and I'll walk the dogs or not just go well I'm it's the kids so I'll take them to the clubs I'll take them to the party I'll do the

53:01Lou Beckett:it's an ongoing thing because if you do try and do all of it before they're born you don't realise the jobs that end up becoming yeah you know like also you don't want to

53:09Rob Beckett:like spreadsheet your life into no no

53:11Lou Beckett:Unless you're sort of passive aggressive arguments that just spring out of drunken eyes. Yeah. Anything that's popped up in the podcast that you've got a problem with, Lou? You want to have a writer with a client? Where to start? You didn't like me talking about the girl's hair?

53:23Rob Beckett:No, I'd say we've got a fundamental difference in how often we think the girls need to be washed.

53:30Lou Beckett:Groomed. And like their hair washed.

53:31Rob Beckett:Like not just have like a bath before they go to bed. Like their hair has to be washed.

53:35Lou Beckett:You know, every other day. You have to wash it, shampoo. I think wash the air a couple of times a week.

53:40Rob Beckett:no but his like washing it is getting it wet in the bath I'm like no no you have to shampoo you have to condition it otherwise it's they've got long hair it gets matted and then they complain when I brush it because it's knotty

53:50Lou Beckett:right so Lou brushes hair too harshly and I think it's because you've just said that as a fact you're not even going

53:57Josh Widdicombe:in my opinion

53:57Lou Beckett:in my opinion Lou brushes her hair too aggressively but the girls aggressively I'd say so you've upped it once you've had the opinion okay in my opinion Lou uses excessive force when brushing hair because she's not used to brushing the hair of very thin blonde hair like me and the girls have got.

54:14Rob Beckett:This isn't a wall trial. Excessive force.

54:17Lou Beckett:Excessive force.

54:18Rob Beckett:But when you brush their hair, you don't do right down to their scalp. You do the top layer of hair so it looks smooth and then there's a big mat underneath that I then have to get out. I apologise if I'm not weaning it,

54:26Lou Beckett:just moving on, covering up the cracks. Well, it's not whataboutery here, Rob. No, it's not. But I think that the girl, Lou says you need to wash their hair because they won't do it properly. Our oldest is 10 now. she needs to learn to do it properly herself not have her mum or dad do it and if she's going to go in with weird hair that's up to her you need to check

54:46Rob Beckett:their hair because when they've washed it themselves I found a big patch of shampoo in it the next day

54:51Lou Beckett:and I go look you've got that in your head will she? well not if you don't check yeah no but then let her go in with weird hair and then when someone knows your hair's weird she'll come home and go I need to wash this properly I don't think she would

55:01Rob Beckett:I think she'll style that out

55:04Josh Widdicombe:we have the classic final question I'm sure you're aware of it but we might as well you know go through the motions and ask it what one thing does your partner do that makes you think they're an incredible parent and what one thing have you not told them that annoys you

55:22Rob Beckett:I I've said this to you before that and I've I think I've said that there's you

55:27Josh Widdicombe:second nicest man in the world after her dad yeah

55:29Rob Beckett:I just have to kill her dad

55:30Josh Widdicombe:then I'll be number one

55:31Rob Beckett:right I don't think that would help

55:34Lou Beckett:might slip you back to fifth actually you

55:36Rob Beckett:you always make so much effort for me and the girls. And you will, and I, whenever you go, yeah, but so-and-so's dad doesn't do this. I would go, yeah, but I wouldn't have married so-and-so's dad or we still wouldn't be married. But like genuinely, sometimes when you do a comparison across some unnamed dads who tap themselves out of a lot and they kind of go, oh, isn't Rob good? That's how much he does. I'm like, no, he's not good. He's doing what he should. But I do appreciate that you do, that you come to things that a lot of people could tap out of. you don't just go that's your job you do it that's not for me to do I do it just annoys me when people go isn't he good they are his children as well and he should want to watch their show too but and then the thing that annoys me is the amount of things that sometimes on the flip side of that that Rob kind of goes that's not necessary and it is necessary it's not necessarily life and death necessary it's not like food on the table necessary but like you do have to plan birthday parties in advance and do party bags and you know, it's all the bits, it's all the stuff that makes life nice.

56:45Josh Widdicombe:Read the books for guests on your podcast. Yeah, when I start to get stressed,

56:47Rob Beckett:Rob goes, you're taking on too much, it's unnecessary. And I'm like, it's not, it's all the fun stuff.

56:52Lou Beckett:You decided to be the class rep this year when you've got a book coming out and I was away all year. It's fucking insanity. But no one else was offering. And it's borderline sectionable behaviour.

57:01Rob Beckett:It was getting really awkward on the WhatsApp group.

57:03Lou Beckett:For someone to moan that much about how busy they are, which is fair enough, And then take that on was fucking mental.

57:09Rob Beckett:Yeah, but it was like tumbleweed on that WhatsApp group. She'd asked like three or four times. I'm not even on the WhatsApp group.

57:14Lou Beckett:Shall we just fade this out? You know, like the end of The Sopranos. Love you, Lou. Buy the book, Lessons from a Default Parent, available now.

57:21Rob Beckett:Yep. Please. Thank you.

57:26Lou Beckett:Lou Beckett. There we go. My wife. Still in love with her? My wife. Oh, I love her so much. She made my birthday so special. Yep. I'm a very lucky man. you're a very lucky man

57:36Josh Widdicombe:yeah people do look at you two together and go he's lucky

57:40Lou Beckett:yeah and she tells me that yeah but yeah the commute in was quite hardcore so I'm quite looking forward to a quiet commute home without a yeah yeah well don't worry

57:49Josh Widdicombe:hang around we'll just Lou we've just got to record the last 30 seconds you go ahead yeah

57:55Lou Beckett:yeah it's a long road yeah yeah yeah

57:57Josh Widdicombe:you go ahead yeah yeah yeah you get the 20 minute earlier train

58:01Lou Beckett:um Josh I'll see you next time

58:02Josh Widdicombe:see you next time

58:11Josh Widdicombe:hello parenting hell listeners recognize that voice yes it's josh whitticombe here

58:20Josh Widdicombe:i have got a new podcast josh whitticombe's museum of pop culture and i'm gonna say it i'm about 85 sure you're gonna love it here are the reasons why number one i'm confident if you're listening now you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

58:57Josh Widdicombe:see above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby, when Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh, The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

59:35Josh Widdicombe:Stiffnecks will learn, loosenecks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whittacombe, available everywhere on the 1st of January. you