S12 EP13: Anti-Valentines: Playground Sha*gers (Part 4)

8:15Rob Beckett:There you go. Oh, Westlands, you know, the Oville, the venue, they... Our beloved. You know, I said it was very unique and special because it was on a residential street at the end of a coldest happening to an airport. They've used that in their advertising now.

8:28Josh Widdicombe:Have they?

8:28Rob Beckett:On Instagram. Give them on them. Give them on them. Happy Valentine's Day, Josh. Yeah. Glad to spend it with you. Any questions about what I'm wearing?

8:36Josh Widdicombe:You're wearing a football shirt.

8:38Rob Beckett:Yep. Guess it's themed for the episode. Hearts. It's the Hearts centenary, I think, third shirt. Oh, wow. And the badge is in the shape of a heart. Oh, that's nice. In the shape of a heart, look.

8:53Josh Widdicombe:That is nice. It's nice. And they might be about to break the Rangers Celtic duopoly for the first time in probably three decades. That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

9:03Rob Beckett:Rob, lose books out. Yeah, lose books out. Buy the book that came out available to buy. Good Valentine's present.

9:10Josh Widdicombe:Thanks. You know, one of us has got to, Rob. You know, one of us is into promo, aren't they?

9:22Rob Beckett:Valentine's special. We have collected the best playground shaggers that you've sent in. If you're new to this, this is stories of love triangles, affairs, lust, sex, debauchery, but all playing out at the school pick up and drop off.

9:42Josh Widdicombe:Right. Do you want to go first or should I go first? Hello, you sexy and relatable slags. I've been listening to your show since the beginning of time, otherwise known as lockdown. Your hilarious banter continues to get me through the trials and tribulations of parenting. My now 13-year-old son and at times my 52-year-old hubby. My playground shaggers story is short but sweet and came to light on World Book Day, the worst of all days, a few days back, a few years back, sorry. We entered the playground that morning. Parents and pupils were greeted to the delight of Spider-Man. Oh, no, on the school roof.

10:17Josh Widdicombe:Oh, also known as the head teacher. The costume didn't leave much to the imagination. On turning the corner, wearing hot pants and low cut top was my son's teacher dressed as Wonder Woman. I later found out that they were having an affair and their outfits had been an excuse to get their freak on during the school day. Oh. Are you into role play, Rob? No, no, no.

10:38Rob Beckett:I wouldn't be able to take it seriously. No, absolutely not. The thought of having to actually role play. How would this work? How does actual role play work in the bedroom? So Lou comes to you and she goes. Let's change her outfit. Let's get someone else. Okay. Well, that's the role play. Oh, yeah, exactly. I'm playing. I'm playing. It's for you.

10:55Josh Widdicombe:So Lou goes, do you know what I've always liked the idea of? You're the driving instructor and I'm quite bad at driving and there's only one way to teach me.

11:06Rob Beckett:Do we sit on the edge of the bed and pretend we're in a car?

11:08Josh Widdicombe:So you turn up and you're dressed as a driving instructor. You've got a clipboard maybe.

11:14Rob Beckett:So I'm in a suit with a clipboard at the end of the bed pretending to be sat next to Lou who's driving a car. I mean trying to get all this done before one of the kids wakes up and gets in our bed is you're really pushing your luck with time I don't I don't think I feel like turn left and she'd turn right

11:33Josh Widdicombe:and you'd go well there's only one you've been naughty yeah but doesn't all role play just

11:39Rob Beckett:to send in someone's been naughty but you're in different outfits turn right to my bedroom I'm a fireman you've been naughty you've not changed the batteries yeah oh god yeah exactly do you do role play no it's not for me no not with an ex no i've not even been with anyone that's brought it up no neither have i i don't think anyone actually can you tell us and then we can we can do it in the next do you actually do role play and what is it you do i don't need to know

12:09Josh Widdicombe:the sex part i'd quite like to know i don't want the scenario i don't want the sex part i want the

12:13Rob Beckett:scenario unless it really doesn't that is the sex part is really part of the role play but i'm more interested in the chat and lead up to it to how that works back and forth let us know if you do

12:25Josh Widdicombe:it let us know if you've tried to do it it went wrong yeah ideally the second one not just like we do this and we're really into it yeah but i just was a fucking gladiator and then i'll get

12:33Rob Beckett:in and then she gets on top we fucking go for it yeah okay thanks

12:41Josh Widdicombe:hi rob josh and sexy michael long time listener first time writer in a absolutely bloody love this section i heard this story during a recent nail appointment i had to write in my nail tech had recently been told about the local well-known top shagger in his latest escapades he was at his teenage daughter's high school parents evening decided to get his leg over with another mum not his partner or ex-partner who are also parents at the school in the school toilets at parents evening just one that random mommy shagger in the school toilet

13:15Rob Beckett:his daughter these people are sick

13:16Josh Widdicombe:and this poor unsuspecting husband was sitting in the hall wondering where the hell they'd got to no no way what are you what please keep me anonymous as I'd like to think this kind of shit doesn't go down too often keeping sex relatable you pair of slags

13:32Rob Beckett:now these people they must be addicted there must be it must be some sort of sex addiction where the buzz is the being naughty and the chaos of it yeah it can't just be they really like that person and it's got to be that they just want to do something that's so selfish and mad. Josh, people are being naughty. I hate being naughty. I'm a good boy.

13:54Josh Widdicombe:I don't want to be naughty. I don't want to be fucking in a school toilet. That's not turning me on.

13:59Rob Beckett:No, not with a tiny little sink. What's wrong with a bed? Tiny little toilets and tiny little sinks with two fucking BFGs banging away.

14:07Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my God. Knowing that there's people in the school hall, I mean, obviously that's what's working for them.

14:12Rob Beckett:but oh we don't make me look massive in there like jill scott and peter crouch getting off looming over those little toilets

14:21Rob Beckett:what you got rob right here we go this one's always one's a long one this see that because what we normally get is we're gonna get short sharp filth bag ones or we get the longer by the way you've got you've gone early with a big air sorry don't apologize don't push it down even i'm gonna stop mentioning it because if i mention it you put it down but i like it getting getting getting bigger. Oh, hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Love the pod. Makes me feel a lot better knowing it's not just me who can struggle to juggle parenting with three kids. I've got a playground shag a story for you. Please keep me a non.

14:52Rob Beckett:We live in a small village where everyone knows everyone and all the children go to the small school nearby. We have a lollipop man who has been the school lollipop man since my wife was at the school. Let's call him Mr. Pop. Oh, he's in his late seventies. Oh no, that's not,

15:09Josh Widdicombe:oh no,

15:10Rob Beckett:No, not the lollipop man. His little calippo popping out. Yeah. He's in his late 70s and everyone knows him. We have just got a new head teacher. Let's call her Miss Jones. Early to mid-30s. Now, me and my wife have 20... That doesn't feel right. Well, we don't know where it's going yet. Mr. Pop can't be banging it. He's fucking out with a lollipop. Not a 40-year age guy. What's this Mr. Pop's like? He's using his lollipop, isn't he, rather than his dick?

15:35Josh Widdicombe:What? That's what it's going to happen. Miss Jones.

15:38Rob Beckett:No, I don't think the lollipop man uses a lot. It's massive. It's bigger than a frying pan, Josh. No, not that end. So you're implying that he's putting the other end in women?

15:48Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, that's why I'm implying. And that's why he's called Mr. Pops? Yeah, that's why he's called Mr. Pop.

15:53Rob Beckett:He has a giant six foot three dildo with a frying pan on the end that he just goes around popping in and out. He sits on the flat bit and pops in the end bit. And he's Mr. Pops. And he jiggles up and down on the flat bit. And he bounces up like a seesaw. and Miss Jones loves it. Anyway, we don't know if that's what's happening. Well, we do. That isn't what's happening. We do know if that's happening. We don't know if that's happening or not. That's all I can say at this point. Now, me and my wife of 20 years are very open-minded and like to explore when it comes to the physical side of our relationship.

16:29Rob Beckett:Oh, here we go. Sexy anonymous. So this weekend, oh, Josh.

16:35Josh Widdicombe:Have we got an email in that he's going to reply to the one we asked for? Are we about to hear about their role play?

16:41Rob Beckett:So this weekend we went to a nearby city sex club. Oh. Fair play. I can't believe people go to sex clubs. You said that, was that you sure? Me and Lou were in a pub the other day. We were supposed to go out for dinner and we thought, can't be fucked. We just order a pizza in here and have another drink. And we did that. These people are going to sex clubs. And then you had sex in the toilets? Absolutely not, no. After four Guinness, my big old fucking gassy belly. Anyway, we went to a nearby sex club, a safe place to have fun, and far enough away we would not know anyone. Oh, no. So we thought.

17:17Rob Beckett:No, the lollipop man and Miss Jones. Well, the problem is, if you live in a small village and you Google local sex club, even if it's 30 minutes away, anyone else that wants to go to that sex club, that's still the nearest one. Yeah, exactly. Me and my wife, I bet there's some well-weird sex clubs near Exeter. Why near Exeter? because you're all you live in London no no no but what I'm saying is London it'll be like everything because it's a capital city but exit it'll be those I think quite weird sort of like hippie ones yeah well Tottenham's might a lot of hemp a lot of hemp a lot of hemp and sort of like a lot of hemp burn and like women with dreadlocks and just sort of flowy dresses where their nipples are pointing out and then really grungy looking men that's what I think of when I think of Devon are you thinking of me?

18:00Rob Beckett:no I'm not I don't think you'd enjoy a sex club.

18:04Josh Widdicombe:No, I wouldn't. I just find it too intense.

18:07Rob Beckett:Anyway, me and my wife were enjoying all the club had to offer. So, look, I want to know. Rob, chill out, man. No, but I want to know what they're doing in there. What does that all it has to offer?

18:20Josh Widdicombe:There's just sweating everywhere. And they're just having sex with different people. Sweat and there's body parts and no one knows where one person begins and another person ends.

18:29Rob Beckett:Can this person that's messaged in, because we're getting to a really good playground shaggers, can you let us know what your rules are in the sex club? I'd be interested to know what this couple's rules are.

18:39Josh Widdicombe:There's no rules, Rob. There are rules.

18:41Rob Beckett:You have to have boundaries in sex clubs. Life's about rules, but when we come in here, anything goes. So they're enjoying what the club, this is great. Enjoying what we had. Do you know what the fuck? Our little frying pan long stick dildo might happen here with these sex club people. Anyway, the only room we hadn't experienced was the daddy room. Oh, my word. Being inquisitive, we entered the room where we locked eyes with Mr. Pop. Oh, man. The daddy. And Miss Jones. Oh, my God. We froze. And then my wife shouted, fuck. That's the worst thing you can shout at a sex lover.

19:24Josh Widdicombe:when they froze was that because he was holding up his lollipop to tell them to stop

19:27Rob Beckett:stop stop in the daddy room i've still got my stick no walking she said fuck miss jones started

19:35Josh Widdicombe:to shout and apologize as we quickly nothing to apologize for no you're in a sex club

19:43Rob Beckett:she's fucking and sucking she's in she's in with mr daddy mr pops in his 70s and she's going for it As we quickly closed the door and legged it, me in a pair of shorts and my wife still in her underwear, run straight out the front door, legged it to the car and bolted. No. Look, there's still a bit more. Let's break this down. You are the new headmistress or headteacher of a school. You're in your, she's in her 30s, early to mid 30s.

20:11Josh Widdicombe:I think she must know the daddy from before.

20:15Rob Beckett:Well, because even if you are into 70-year-old men, I'm sure a 30-year-old woman can find another 70-year-old man that doesn't do the school crossing at a new job.

20:24Josh Widdicombe:I wonder whether he's helped her get the job.

20:27Rob Beckett:Look, don't shit on me doorstep. Only people's chests, if they ask nicely.

20:35Rob Beckett:So do you think, yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

20:38Josh Widdicombe:So they've run out to the car in their shorts and their underwear. And they've gone. Question first, where's the keys?

20:44Rob Beckett:Well, I don't know, probably just keyless in it. But beep, beep, you can have an app on your phone these days. Anyway, they run out the door. Monday came. Who's she? Oh, bit of fun. Monday came and Mr. Pop was not helping the children over the road. And that morning, the children had an assembly saying Miss Jones was off for the foreseeable future.

21:06Josh Widdicombe:No, that's a shame. That's a shame.

21:09Rob Beckett:By Thursday, an email sent out to the parents saying Miss Jones had handed in a notice. and Mr Pop decided to finally retire. Wow. Never saw Miss Jones again and Mr Pop is now retired and living his life in the village.

21:21Josh Widdicombe:She's quit her job over that. That's sad.

21:26Rob Beckett:We don't know what was happening in that room. Wow. So what's going on in the daddy room? The way I look at it is... Yeah. She's thinking that these two people are going to tell everyone what they saw, but... They're not. These two people may not want everyone to know they're in a sex club either.

21:41Josh Widdicombe:also what are you telling people because that's i think that's unfair i i'd be like confident they're not going to tell everyone i'd contact them and go look what's going on here miss jones miss jones miss jones is such a fake surname by the way yeah yeah these people said

22:01Rob Beckett:what do we learn from this never go to a sex club in the nearest city to your house stay safe thanks to you both for keeping me entertained while i walk to work from anonymous anonymous i want two things one what are the rules when you and your wife go to sex club and secondly what was happening in the daddy room yeah between mr pop and miss jones because i think that will give more context to the story you don't need to be specific but was it no i want you to be okay completely 100 specific and we'll decide what goes in oh she decide what goes in yeah puns puns o 'clock that That was a good one, that, Josh.

22:37Rob Beckett:I'm quite exhausted. I feel sad for them because they're just getting on with their lives. Mr. Pop, he's having it off. He's in his 70s. He's getting his leg over with a 30-year-old boss. He's nailing life. It's Miss Jones, I thought, was very important.

22:49Josh Widdicombe:Life's not the only thing he's nailing.

22:55Rob Beckett:I'm R.J. Decker, the private investigator uncovering the Sunshine State's darkest secrets. Tuesdays, it's the premiere of ABC's hottest new crime show. R.J. freaking Decker has that live and breathe. He's a private eye. It's not a standard murder. It's someone bigger. And a public mass. Trying to get sent back to prison today? You go to prison one time and suddenly it's all the jokes.

23:18Josh Widdicombe:R.J. Decker. Series premiere. Tuesdays on ABC and stream on Hulu. Steamer here. Give me the dirt. My mother-in-law is coming over.

23:29Rob Beckett:Then your home must be spotless. We'll handle the carpets, couchs, and rugs. You handle her criticism with baked goods. People complain less when they're chewing. Book your deep clean now at stanleysteamber.com.

23:43Josh Widdicombe:Hi, Rob Josh Michael. My best friend's mom was taking me home from a play day at her house one day when we were in primary school, and she said, Sarah, are these your hair clips? I found them in the car. Me and my friend looked at each other and replied quite instantly, no, they look like Miss Orchards. No. Turns out my best friend's dad, a governor at our primary school, was having an affair with our year four teacher. And we'd accidentally revealed the affair and the culprit. Oh, my word. I wonder why Miss Orchard had such clear hair clips, such an idiosyncratic taste in hair clips.

24:24Rob Beckett:But kids really, really. So my daughter that I've got a teacher and she said something about, I won't say her name. She always wears a shirt. And I was like, oh, yeah, she does always wear a shirt, actually. She's got, like, a bit of a uniform, like a shirt and trousers and shoes. And then she was like, oh, she always has this same mug without on and these types of earrings. Like, when you're eight, it's like one of the most important people in your life is your teacher. You're with them six, seven hours a day every day, apart from your parents. And sometimes if you go to preschool clubs, after school clubs, have a childminder, your parents are at work, you know, teachers can have such an impact on you.

24:58Rob Beckett:yeah miss orchard you well both of them are dirty yeah you dirty dogs right i've got another long on here here we go okay hello gents i like hello gents yeah this feels it feels formal i've got a great workplace shagga story from years ago when i worked in sagebury's but please keep me anonymous as we still know one of the people involved although it's never spoken about oh no years ago when i was young and naive 16 year old working in the checkouts i worked for a manager who was a good-looking bloke in his early 20s that got a lot of attention and one girl caught his eye worked in the cash office.

25:34Rob Beckett:The checkout manager's job was to work with cash office staff at the end of each day when the store was closed to count on the cash and deposit in the safe. The cash office was a sealed and secured room with no windows and you needed special keys to get in. Not long after I joined, the cash office girl mysteriously left with no explanation and any questions on where she was were quickly shut down. After weeks of speculation, we eventually learned that she and the checkout manager were both working one night and after counting the cash, got a bit carried away in the privacy of the cash office. Oh no.

26:08Rob Beckett:Having a cheeky shag in the cash office would have been fine and gone unnoticed until the following day when a discrepancy was found in how much cash was in the safe versus what was expected. Oh no, no, no, no. So they had to look back at the video. The store manager had to get involved and this is when I should mention that the cash office had about six cameras in it covering all angles for security. All angles is not the phrase you want, is it? It's a great name for a porno, though. Yeah. And it's like a professor with a Pythagoras theorem in his pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's trying to teach these students.

26:46Rob Beckett:So it could be a sexy female professor and all these sort of horny lads, and she's trying to teach them about Pythagoras and ends up just shagging them at all different angles.

26:54Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, yeah, lovely, Rob. Great.

26:56Rob Beckett:Do you want to make it? No. It's new media now.

26:58Josh Widdicombe:We don't need, you know, we can just grab a camera. Just like it with a ring light. No pun intended.

27:08Rob Beckett:All the characters can be called Sin, Cos and Tan. Yeah. That's a maths joke.

27:13Josh Widdicombe:Sin also is quite a good name for a character and a porno, isn't it?

27:16Rob Beckett:The store manager loaded up the footage from the night before to see if anything could explain the issue, only to find footage of his staff members going at it on top of the day's takings. On top of the takings? I reckon like 30 quid's been stuck to an arse. That's cold. It's uncomfortable. The cash office girl resigned out of embarrassment and the checkout manager was sacked not long after. After that, the end of the day count had to be witnessed by three people. I bet it did. That's a sequel sorted for our new film. All angles covered and covered again.

27:52Rob Beckett:Oh, that's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yeah. These are great. Right, do another one. Yeah. Please keep me anon. Someone from a kid's primary school had the horror of not one, not two, but four playground shagger conquests at the same school gates. One was his ex-girlfriend who went on to have kids with, which caused a breakup with his then actual girlfriend. So he had a girlfriend. Yeah. And a kid at the school. Yeah. with his girlfriend. And then his ex-girlfriend was also at that school. So he had an affair with her and then ended up having a kid. Oh, no. Then one with his ex-wife that was also at the school.

28:31Rob Beckett:Oh, my God. And one was a married mum he had an affair with. Everybody knew. Oh, my God. One was a single mum. He dropped the married mum like a brick for when she appeared on the scene and it obviously didn't last. Oh, my God. He's also taken his new girlfriend to school fates. So in total, five conquests have been in the same vicinity at the school fates. Oh, my God. Imagine turning up to the school fates with your new girlfriend, knowing that you've had sex with four of the other women and kids with two of them, or at least one. That's mad, isn't it? He's always lived locally, though, so there could have been more potentially.

29:09Rob Beckett:Jesus. I can't. Josh, the thought of going to a school fates just with my wife and two children and I've had sex with no one else there, fills me with horror. The fact, imagine going and there's four women. Yes, that is also... He's nearly had sex with more women in that school than I've had sex with women.

29:30Josh Widdicombe:It's not like... It's not like a school fate isn't a thing you generally bring a plus one to anyway. Do you know what I mean? It's not like you go, oh, well, yeah, I've got to take it because it's a wedding. Do you know what I mean? It's like, do you want to come to the school fate? no of course not I'm a grown adult I'll see you afterwards like there's no need to take your girlfriend to a school fight he enjoys it though doesn't he's getting off on it

29:54Rob Beckett:that's what it is they're getting off on it aren't they these sickos yeah for me and Lou it would be like well I'll do the school fight and then you can do the Christmas fight and then we only had to do one each

30:03Josh Widdicombe:yeah exactly sick fucks sick fucking weirdos

30:09Rob Beckett:fucking dirty fucking bastards didn't like him smelly dicked horny bitches I'm talking about men there yeah yeah just to be clear dear Josh Rob that was one sentence that wasn't smelly dick dirty bitch it was talking about men yeah yeah that man was a smelly dick dirty bitch not smelly dick dirty bitch dirty bitches I wasn't calling the women he was the bitch just to make that clear

30:35Josh Widdicombe:be clear

30:37Rob Beckett:I'd hate to be a rapper because every every lyric I'd have to explain myself

30:42Josh Widdicombe:luckily I don't think it'll come up after years of listening. I don't like being boxed in. You don't. I'm glad to finally have something relevant to share with this school yard shagger story from 10 years ago. While on a field trip, a group of students from my school stole a teacher's phone. Oh no. That is so naughty. Like of all the things to steal, your teacher's phone. And found, I don't know how they've unlocked it, a photo of her naked with another teacher. Oh my. Oh my God.

31:12Rob Beckett:How old are these kids? imagine a teenage boy finding a photo of your teacher naked did you have any crushes on your teachers at school

31:19Josh Widdicombe:there was a few you fancied wasn't there of course because when you actually look back and you think about it you think of course there was because that's a lot of them were in their 20s and 30s weren't they teachers generally they're on the younger side that's a history teacher was quite fit but there was

31:35Rob Beckett:none that I was really there was none that I was like obsessed with but there was fit teachers also as well like when you're sat in maths someone has to be just only slightly attractive for you to just be distracted by that. Totally.

31:49Josh Widdicombe:Because also you're a horny teenager. Oh yeah and I was. I quite miss the innocent days of just sitting in maths fancying the teacher.

31:57Rob Beckett:What's his name again?

31:59Josh Widdicombe:Ah this is good stuff.

32:01Rob Beckett:Is it good stuff though? Actually. It's awful isn't it? It's quite problematic. I mean probably it'd be bad but it was a man. It doesn't matter. Leave it in. We're owning it. We're understanding it. That was a reflex reaction to the pressure of trying to be funny under a time constraint. And do you know what? I failed there. But some people might have laughed at that or rolled their eyes. But I regret it.

32:22Josh Widdicombe:While on a field trip, a group of students from my school stole a teacher's phone. Oh, yeah, we've done this. What made this even more shocking is that the other male teacher was known to be in a relationship with a different teacher at the school. Oh, my God. Despite the teacher whose phone it was threatening the kids with being expelled if they told anyone, which is why I'd like to be kept anonymous, as I'm still a bit scared of her. The story, of course, quickly spread through all the children, of course. I mean, she can't really get them expelled. They've got too much on her.

32:54Rob Beckett:No, but also, look, you're allowed to be in a relationship with other school teachers. I think that's fine, as long as you're not doing it on the school property. That's her phone. Private phone's been taken. She's allowed to have naked photos of her on her own phone. She's not sending it anywhere. That's fine. The kids need to be told off. Have you got naked photos of you and Lou on your phone? No, but I'm into self-developing film. So I've got a dark room and I dip them in the water like a serial killer and then hang them up on a little thing. And my face is obscured, but you know it's my body.

33:26Rob Beckett:Yeah, yeah, of course. And it's just the back of Lou. Yeah. That's our boundaries that I can take and develop naked photos of Lou just from behind and on a slight angle, never full frontal. Yeah. And it works for us.

33:42Josh Widdicombe:It works for you. How about you? No, but do you know what? I heard recently. Yeah. On the dating scene now, on the apps. For our age group or for younger people? Our age group. Right. People are just sending nudes forward and back, and that is just the done thing.

34:07Rob Beckett:I think, yeah, that feels... Bleak? Yeah, I don't, yeah.

34:15Josh Widdicombe:I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

34:17Rob Beckett:No, I wouldn't mind receiving them, but I don't want to send them. No. If someone really wanted to send them to me, I'd gratefully receive them. You're a gentleman. I wouldn't go, hey, I'm above that, stop it. I'll go, yeah, thank you. Yep. Thumbs up. All the best. Take care. Thumbs up emoji. Thumbs up. There you go. Great one. Or a little okay, like, great. Lovely lighting. Lovely lighting. Ring light? But, yeah, I don't want to send my boners on photo. No, I just don't. I just don't. Also, I just think my, like, you know, no, I don't want to be too negative, but I don't look at my naked body and think people need to see this for me to win them over.

35:04Rob Beckett:I look at my naked body and think I need to win them over before they see this. Exactly. Exactly. And then hopefully they're too far in to back out. Yeah. Is that euphemism? Hey, if you're at the gym a lot and you've got a hot bod, share it. You're right. Oh my God. I think if I was single, I know we do this a few times, but like say we were on the dating scene and everyone's happy and you're like, forget all the baggage of breaking up with someone. I think I would be so direct to the point it might put people off where I basically would just go, hello, look, you seem all right, and just bullet points.

35:40Rob Beckett:I like this, don't like that. And like, I don't think I would do the thing I did with my 20s where I'd sort of put up with stuff I didn't like because I felt like I should. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know if that would be...

35:50Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, that got you into one bad relationship that you've had to stick with, so let's not find yourself.

35:58Rob Beckett:right now i think me and lou have grown and evolved which is a sign of a healthy relationship i think if you both it gets problematic if one stops still and the other one goes too far the other way but i feel like we're sort of on the same path and then crossing on off where some people just go completely opposite ways they do should we finish this email because this is exciting oh sorry i just i just wonder how you'd date but we can speak about that i do i don't think i would no you just go on your own for a bit i genuinely don't think i could face it

36:27Josh Widdicombe:i've got a friend i don't think this is speaking out of tongue because i won't name him so he's divorced with one kid and they've got shared custody right so he's doing three and a half nights a week basically right yeah and he just said to me i can't i get three nights to myself a week i don't want to waste them on going for a drink with a stranger i just can't face it i'd just rather just enjoy being a parent and live my life than i think that's time trying to chase it down if you know how about if one night a week you didn't go for a

37:06Rob Beckett:drink with a stranger you just met up with a stranger went around to the her flat and had sex with her and then left with a handshake and everyone was fine you might be doing that he didn't tell me that because i i think that's that's the route i'd go down until the girls

37:17Josh Widdicombe:about 18 you'd just be shagging no strings attached yeah unless they're into puppetry right it's a story of course quickly spread through all the children i'm not sure if it ever reached any of the teachers however the male teacher in question did leave the school very shortly afterwards while both female teachers stayed i never saw them speak with each other during the rest of my time there i know you're not gonna you're looking for that aren't you how often does a teacher speak to another teacher so is this the photo one is still yeah god so they left we have spoken for a long time though i've completely forgot what

37:55Rob Beckett:we're talking about i thought that was i thought we finished that last year thank you for the countless hours blah blah blah oh they're not really nice it's weird that we can't read out the positive nice things people say i don't think people want to hear that do they

38:12Rob Beckett:We all have that dream trip we've been wishing we could go on. But too often, life, or usually price, gets in the way. That's why Priceline is here to help you turn your dream trip into reality. With up to 60 % off hotels and up to 50 % off flights, you can book everything you need for your next adventure. Don't just dream about that next trip. Book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit Priceline.com and book your next trip today. Go to your happy price, Priceline. Okay, family. Thanks for dinner. I should get going now.

38:45Josh Widdicombe:Not without dessert. Done. Just ordered on DoorDash.

38:49Rob Beckett:I keep eating cake, but tomorrow's Juan's graduation.

38:53Josh Widdicombe:Well, that deserves a toast. Let me get some drinks.

38:59Rob Beckett:Alright, I'm... Craving snacks. Wait, this time I'll get it. Oh, I sent it to my own address. I'll have to go.

39:07Josh Widdicombe:Why so soon? For every reason to stay together, I door dash in La Casa.

39:15Rob Beckett:Hello, you pair of parenting heartthrobs. Please keep me anonymous. I've got a playground shagga story from a sixth form that still makes me chuckle to this day. A couple of years ago, I worked at a sixth form as part of a team of student support workers. Basically, we were the go-to for all the student problems and dramas, whilst also having weekly group sessions with the students. One woman on my team, now in her 50s, had a great time being free and single in the 90s and early 2000s. She always lived and dated men in the area, and it had never led to any problems or awkward encounters for her until 1 September, when we were given the details of our new students and to her horror, she realised she had slept with not one, not two, but three of the kids' dads in the group.

40:00Rob Beckett:Oh my God. that is mental. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Because it, you know, you think, oh, 18 years ago, I was with him, what could possibly, and then all of a sudden, she was mortified, but we all found it hilarious. It didn't help that one of the students was a real pain, and she often had to ring the dad she'd previously shagged to discuss his child's behavior. She would always say that when the student was being particularly hard work, she would have to stop herself from saying, well, I've shagged your dad and he was shit.

40:34Rob Beckett:what an outburst that would stop a angry 18 year old in their tracks wouldn't it but would you would you rather your dad be good at sex or shit at sex i don't i don't yeah i exactly i don't think i don't think that was shit is the problem really there is it i just think it's really hard to be shit or amazing most people just deeply average and

40:57Josh Widdicombe:get the job done wouldn't you say well i don't know about i don't know about you but i i i like

41:04Rob Beckett:to push things i like you pride yourself i listen to the high performance podcast rob and yeah all

41:10Josh Widdicombe:right i take notes on board and i think about self-improvement and what's one of your non-negotiables

41:15Rob Beckett:um what in sex yeah one of your non-negotiables uh take your clothes off yeah i don't want to be doing it through the fly hole of a gene. Exactly, yeah. That's non-negotiable. Not with that YKK zip on the side of the shaft.

41:29Josh Widdicombe:I am one of those people that I wake up at 5am, Rob. For sex? I'm one of those 5am. No, no, just because I sleep quite badly.

41:37Rob Beckett:Oh, right, but that's having to do sex. You just get up early. Yeah, I just get up early. And you're still on the mattress on the floor? Yeah, yeah. Happy Valentine's.

41:44Josh Widdicombe:Happy Valentine's.

41:48Josh Widdicombe:Happy Valentine's, one and all.

41:50Rob Beckett:keep being sexy relatable anonymous ps can i thank you for being so honest about mental health challenges and your coping mechanisms is helpful for many to hear thank you very much anon hi lads keep me anonymous always everyone's anonymous in this section when i was training to be a teacher

42:07Josh Widdicombe:there was a year five girl in my placement class a couple of months later a new boy joined and they quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend or as much as you can at that age handholding A bit harsh. Oh, year five. Year five. Sorry, I was thinking. Fifth year. Yeah, fifth year. Sorry. Yeah, year five. So she's ten.

42:25Rob Beckett:Don't have a go at them because they're just holding hands. Yeah. What do you want them to be doing? Just getting off of each other in geography? Just absolutely just hung in at the back. You sicko. A couple of weeks.

42:35Josh Widdicombe:After a couple of weeks, it transpired that the new boy was actually the girl's half-brother. Oh, no. Turns out the boy's dad had had an affair and sired another child. Obviously, none of the children or mothers were aware of this, and the boy had been told his dad had died. This is awful. So she's had an affair and had a kid and just told her kid that dad's dead. Well, she might not have had an affair. The dad's had an affair. I don't know. She might have been single. She's told her son her dad's dead, but he's just living about two roads away. Once they started going to the same school, it all unraveled,

43:10Rob Beckett:and everyone found out. Oh, no, I don't like this. This is horrible.

43:15Josh Widdicombe:Imagine finding out your girlfriend is your sister and your dad's alive on the same day.

43:20Rob Beckett:Oh, my God. This poor kid's 10.

43:22Josh Widdicombe:It's a difficult card to buy someone, isn't it?

43:25Rob Beckett:Congratulations on your new girlfriend slash sister slash new alive dad. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is so horrendous.

43:34Josh Widdicombe:Luckily, they were only 10, so nothing untoward had happened. True.

43:39Rob Beckett:No, fucking hell. That's the shining light from the stories of the two 10-year-olds didn't have sex, that are siblings. what a fucked up story where the highlight is the two 10 year olds fucking related didn't have sex what the fuck is this happy valentines happy valentines I think we've gone too far that was fucking wild that is insane the worst part of that is you know obviously the half-provoking's fine because they're 10 doesn't matter why on a you've had an affair just say you've got to just say that oh my god I'm sorry that that is never gonna work out well is it the best thing to do here is fess up and be a good dad to both children absolutely but he's a wrong one yeah agreed however she's still capable to go you do have a dad that's your dad but unfortunately he doesn't want to have a relationship with you which is a horrific thing to take to a child but that you're gonna have to

44:35Josh Widdicombe:say that at some point to the child say he's dead because also yeah you're right the kid's gonna want

44:41Rob Beckett:to know more in the long term or you say that you do have a dad and his name's so and so and stuff like that but he's not he's not around at the moment yeah for and then i know the 10 year

44:53Josh Widdicombe:old boyfriend girlfriend thing smoked him out isn't it because you'd have thought by the point you've said just tell him i'm dead that you're pretty much like what adults josh what adults

45:06Rob Beckett:are sat around the table going oh you had a fear with that bloke now you're pregnant so what you're going to do is he going to is he going to be involved in the baby no he said he wants nothing to do with the baby what are you going to do then i'll just tell her tell the baby he's dead oh yeah that's a really good idea well done jane well it might be his idea well even so she's going along with it stop protecting women the man's an arsehole and the woman's made a terrible decision he's the worst because he was married and he's not being involved the mum is the one bringing another child. I'm not anti-women, but I do think this lady has made the wrong choice.

45:41Rob Beckett:And he is the worst one out of it. Agree. But she can't make that choice, whether he's involved or not. That's mental.

45:48Josh Widdicombe:Oh, imagine being the kids.

45:49Rob Beckett:Oh, poor things. It makes me sad.

45:53Josh Widdicombe:Yeah.

45:54Rob Beckett:When was this?

45:55Josh Widdicombe:There's nothing I could do to help. Well, you could send him a tenner.

45:59Rob Beckett:Would that help? Do you want to come to the Woking show and have a photo at half-time? That's all I can do. some people like that I don't know if it'll no

46:10Josh Widdicombe:those Woking shows are always a bit sticky as well Woking's great gig do you not like Woking? Guildford's the difficult difficult one oh I don't mind Guildford I think it's underrated the G Live I think I think the G Live's got a much worse reputation than it deserves

46:22Rob Beckett:Woking G Live's harder gig than Woking Woking's fun Woking's the good they're up for it Woking hello

46:27Josh Widdicombe:please keep me anonymous when I was 16 I was going out with a boy let's call him Jack but when it became obvious to him that I was going to dump him he tried to entice me back by writing songs about me. Oh, no. Which he played for me in his bedroom while sat on the end of the bed cringing. While I sat on the end of the bed cringing.

46:45Rob Beckett:You're my sister, my dad is dead. Come to me, let's go to bed. Don't be shy while you're going red. Don't have dread. Oh, fucked it. Run out. I should have quit all the head. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Oh, my God. Look at that. Subconsciously brought it back round.

47:03Josh Widdicombe:Look at that. Writing me love letters. Right. it wasn't a long distance relationship but seeing each other did involve a short train journey so when i finally got the bottle to dump him i thought great have a nice life see you never again i was wrong fast forward 10 years i go back to uni to retrain as a barrister and on my bar course there's another lady my age let's call her jill me and jill get along really well and eventually she adds me on face mac face mac facebook it's because he's called jack i sound like a made up one on grandfather's daughter she adds me on facebook i see she's married to jack

47:39Rob Beckett:oh because that's the thing really if you both have the same boyfriend at a point you're probably going to be quite similar people yeah that's the weird thing about exes aren't they i bring this up

47:48Josh Widdicombe:i mentioned several times i've had sex with her husband it's all a fun laugh between friends

47:54Rob Beckett:no don't bring that up you don't everyone knows that you don't need to bring that up Well, they're having a laugh about it.

47:59Josh Widdicombe:My husband and I live in a very barrister-heavy area. Okay.

48:05Rob Beckett:Where's that?

48:06Josh Widdicombe:Well, I live in a very doctor-heavy area because there's a hospital nearby. So maybe it's like near a court or something. Oh, right. Got you. And then when Jill qualifies and the big bucks start rolling in, her and Jack move closer to us, which is great. Just four friends having a laugh. Oh, what's going on here? No. Just four friends having a laugh together. Yeah. We have kids at the same time. The girls get on really well and everything is lovely. One day we get a phone call from the school our girls go to. They've had a huge falling out and a physical fight. We're horrified because they've always been such good friends.

48:42Josh Widdicombe:Turns out when playing at our house recently, oh no, the girls have been lurking through a box of old shite and found the love letters Jack wrote to me almost 20 years ago. Why? She's still got them. Obviously, they aren't correctly formatted and don't include the date, so the girls assume that Jack and I are having an affair.

49:02Rob Beckett:Oh, my God. How old are the kids, is it?

49:05Josh Widdicombe:I don't know. They must be quite old, mustn't they, to be able to read the letters and stuff.

49:09Rob Beckett:Well, I mean, once it gets explained to them, it'll be funny.

49:12Josh Widdicombe:They're both devastated to learn that their families are falling apart and take their rage out on each other by kicking, scratching, and hair pulling. Oh. We explain the situation to the headteacher and also eventually to our girls, and all is resolved. but there isn't anything quite as undignified as having to tell your childhood teacher that you aren't having an affair but you were a top shagger age 16.

49:35Josh Widdicombe:That was good.

49:36Rob Beckett:I love that. Yeah.

49:37Josh Widdicombe:Just a bit lighter after the... Oh, God, that was horrible.

49:41Rob Beckett:Good, Dad. A bit of levity. If you've got any more, send them in. We're going to do another special, aren't we, later in the year, I imagine.

49:47Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, what should we do it for? Summer? We've done top Valentine's Day. Should we do it for...

49:52Rob Beckett:Should we do it to start the summer holiday? We'll start, we should do, what about we should do one for the start of like Easter holidays? Yeah. I don't know why I've said that. I've just made it up.

50:01Josh Widdicombe:It's quite soon, isn't it? But yeah, it'll be fine. I'm happy to do one every two months. Keep them coming in. I love them. Yeah. We'll think of a day. Father's Day? Mother's Day? Mother's Day and Father's Day is a good one to do. Mother's Day is very near Valentine's Day, isn't it? Which I think is unfair. And then. I think it's unfair. June is Father's Day. Because Rose's birthday is in between them as well. It's an absolute treble slam of things to remember.

50:26Rob Beckett:I'm fucked because my father's day is like always Lou's birthday. Oh, yeah. Life's shit. Then you die. Life's shit. That's fine. I'm over it. Hi, Rob, Josh, and Michael. Please give a small bit of a shout out for my good friend Susie. After listening to the pod and hearing that Rob has a Whippet, it prompted me to drop this email to you. Whippet Out Clothing Limited was founded in 2024. Oh, yes, please.

50:50Josh Widdicombe:Perfect for Playground Shaggers.

50:51Rob Beckett:The Susie Newsome whipping out a Whippet racer from Worcester. Susie is heavily involved in the pedigree Whippet racing world. The business grew from filling a gap in the market for racing jackets for Whippets, which progressed onto the Lycra racing vests and then walking out coats and fleece onesies. The unique thing about Whippet Out is that it is a fully bespoke made to measure service to ensure the best fit for the deep chested skinny waist of the sighthound. Whippet Out clothing specializes in sighthounds, but does also cater for any breed of dog from Dobermans to Chihuahuas. That's Cheryl in Worcester saying whipitoutclothing.com.

51:27Rob Beckett:W-H-I-P-P-E-T, Out Clothing. There you go. They do need the fucking pathetic whippets. They always need a coat.

51:34Josh Widdicombe:Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I love the podcast and been listening since the very beginning. Never stop. I'm writing to share a small business shout out for my dad. In 2025, in his 50s, he took the brave step of turning his hobby of camper van conversions into a full-time business bliss conversions was born and we're all incredibly proud of him and his success so far based in stow market suffolk bliss works on any van and specializes in upgrades such as solar panels leisure batteries charging systems lining heating and more for anyone interested in getting in touch, please visit his website. That's at blissconversions.co.uk.

52:13Josh Widdicombe:Keep it sexy and relatable.

52:15Rob Beckett:All right. See you later, mate. Bye. Put me shoes on.

52:38Rob Beckett:textures. They're designed to keep you going without slowing you down. So put that fork down. Try the new wraps today in app or at order.sweetgreen.com. Available at participating locations only.

52:57Josh Widdicombe:Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognize that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whittacombe here.

53:05Josh Widdicombe:I have got a new podcast Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture and I'm going to say it I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it here are the reasons why number one I'm confident if you're listening now you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny number two I'm confident if you're listening now you like podcasts number three I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob you prefer pop culture to people talking about things let's be honest boring things like history, economics, or politics. I know I do, and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

53:42Josh Widdicombe:See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby. When Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real. When a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are, and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

54:20Josh Widdicombe:Stiff necks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Widdicombe. Available everywhere on the 1st of January.