S12 EP14: Seann Walsh

25:11I can't, I can't imagine, that's like. How many years since you had a drink? I think six or something like that. Often people want to know why you've not, it's always, they want to know why. And I think it's only other two reasons. It's you're boring or you're too much fun. It's basically alcohol never really agreed with me or I fucked a badger. And it plays one of those two. And I'll let you guess which one I am. Yes, exactly. But yeah, so no drinking. And I think I'm quite pleased about that because obviously with my dad's addiction and then cutting out alcohol, I'm hoping, we don't know, you know, the results are yet to come in.

25:47But you're hoping that you're, Julian Dean, who's been on the pod, he once said this, I'm using this from him, I loved it, it's cutting that circuit and trying to do as much as you can to cut that circuit of the effects that having an addict parent. Yes, of course. And so you've never parented hungover? Never parented hungover. I just can't imagine that. No. Does she not drink either? Not really. She does drink, but no. Not really. I did the school run after that night at the Euros when I was down an alley. No, you didn't. You weren't hungover, you were still drunk. That morning was the most famous I've ever been.

26:25I was stopping fucking traffic. because I went mentally viral England had won and I went on Zoe Ball's show and Chris Evans' show and did the school run still steaming that was absolutely phenomenal the teachers were like people shouting chicken man at me out the window of the car chicken man that's what you're known for chicken man that's fantastic but yeah it is awful and I've stopped drinking now I would only have two or three drinks max and then I'm done just because I like that little giddy feeling but anything beyond that I find it wild when you see parents that properly go out all I can think is how are you dealing with the next day I'm not judging them I'm thinking I can't do that I wish I could have done that below if you go from drunk to hung over to recovered to drunk again you're never truly in yourself that's the cycle I lived in since I was 17 any chance where you have to think or look internally you can cover that up with I'll get a pizza because I'm hungover or I'm feeling better now oh I'll have a drink and you're back in again that's it I mean and let's be honest I think you know me well enough for this to be known as the case you know life is hard enough without me being hungover I struggle anyway this is I don't know if you saw my Instagram but yesterday he's woke up Is this meant to be helping me sell tickets?

27:59He's come out on fire today, old Josh. Shoes off, big gulp, off he goes. Well, I just went to the wrong venue again. Yesterday? Oh, God. For the third time? If it's even third, probably fourth. Where did you go? What? Well, can I just say, in my defence, so I once went to Hereford instead of Hertford. Yeah. I once went to the wrong, is it Newport? Once went to the wrong Newport. yesterday in my defence it wasn't because I got the names of the towns confused I'd got days confused and I thought yesterday was Tuesday so just in case you thought I was an idiot So you're going tonight to the place you were meant to be going last night?

28:35Yeah the barman will recognise me it's through there isn't it the comedy and he went it's tomorrow isn't it and straight away you know immediately and I went yep see you tomorrow just walk straight out just doing a recce everything seems like what happened tomorrow you know me what he's like to get prepared so what questions have you got now because I was speaking to you and Grace about holidays and stuff like that well sleeping so what we do and I don't know if this is odd I actually said to Grace should I keep this to myself and she said no they'll do it and she thinks you might have done this but I Grace upside down like a bat

29:13it's the only way he gets off he swings up the hypnotist Grace is in bed with Casper in our room it's not in my room because I'm never there because I'm in Wilder's bed with Wilder yeah yeah that's basically our situation yeah right is that how abnormal normal is that I don't really know but I like it and that's what we do I tell myself stuff like and I do believe this at the moment my son's in bed with Rose and my daughter's in bed with me on the floor next to the bed so we're all in the same room. What? Okay, yeah. Now you thought you were going to be the weird one. Why are you on the... Because we've got mattresses.

29:58But you've got other bedrooms? Yeah. So the only place he can sleep is on the floor of his bedroom? Jesus Christ. Like a dog. His dog's got a better bed than you.

30:09Can I throw my hat in the ring here on this? Yes, definitely. Now, so I think that when you've got an eight-month-old baby kind of thing, and it's been a baby, there's that period where it needs to be with the mum if you're doing breastfeeding. Yes, it's all about breastfeeding. And there's a cot in the room or whatever. I should say, this hasn't always been the case. We've reverted back to it in the last year. Because you've been moving houses and stuff. Because we've been moving houses and stuff. But I think, so basically, there's no point you coming in the middle of the night and disrupting all that, so you might as well just get in with Wilder.

30:38Like what you're doing. That's how I think it naturally happened, is I started going, I can't be bothered to wake up and go in there. I might as well just stay there. Are they going to have to share? Initially. There will be a point where you have to from eight months or older move your son into another room and eventually you'll probably get back into your bed and they'll be in the room together. Then you'll have a third one. I would say Josh's situation at the moment wasn't always the case but has basically descended into slight chaos. Because of circumstance. And now they can't get back into the right bedrooms because they're getting the other bedrooms done.

31:13But now the standard is... Well, my son would describe it as his room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. But I'll tell you he's three, four? Four. But I love it. Yeah, that's the thing. And it won't last forever. This is the thing. So I... Or what if it does? Or what if it does? That's the worry, isn't it? What if it does? but i know i i remember going to go and sleep in the main bed and then just having that feeling of but she's not gonna be that small yeah i've got i've got to use this now exactly use this moment now i think it's all a little bit whatever works for the house and you know so our kids go but sleep in their room but then the youngest one kept going these night terrors so she comes in quite a lot so then what will happen is she'll come in the middle of the night and either get in with us or one of us will get out and get in bed with her and do that.

32:07So she'll go to her own bed at night but then she wakes up a bit scared she'll come to us. And rather than just going you've got to go back in your room we just go I'll just get in and do it that way. So everyone's got a different but they used to go sleep in their own beds and not bother us at all all night from the ages of sort of like four and six onwards but then all of a sudden it's shifted again. So it's constantly... You just never know. And also I think people just get hung up on stuff a lot. Yeah, but I would say in your situation, it's mad to sleep on the floor when there are a number of other bedrooms.

32:40That's what I think they're mad. Well, the other bedrooms have been done up. You're doing all right before. You don't need to be on the floor. You're doing all right. You're going to get a spare bed. It's a lovely squidgy mattress. It's a lovely squidgy mattress. No, but I would say that. I think it's fine to sit, but I think you could just be in a bed with her. Possibly. But Josh has slept on the floor every night for months. Look what, you're so tired. He's living on the floor, mate. That's why I'm down to a hotel. I'm getting the consequences of it. I can't really adapt to the hotel room bed.

33:07Because he's on a bed. It feels a little higher. Can I move the mattress? Did you put this mattress on the floor? Any space in the lobby?

33:20And now for a special part of today's show, what age should you be left at? And it's brought to you by Monzo. Yes, basically, we're going to discuss what age kids should be left to get on with things themselves. Monzo helps give kids a safer step into independence with money, setting goals, budgeting and spending while parents still have oversight. So that part feels covered. But what about the other stuff? Like, can they use a toaster, for example? Or have their own phone? That's a very picky one. Now, Josh, what age are you going to let your kids go out of the house on their own to the local shop?

33:50Well, we've been discussing this, Rob. I've been talking about, like, she's got other friends who live nearby who walk past our house to go to school. Yeah. And what age are we going to send them to school? I reckon at about 10, they will walk as a group to school, kind of picking up people on the way like a bus. Yeah, see, that's hard for us because they're in a village. We let the kids go to the neighbour to get parcels on their own. What about if you went to a shop and you were like, oh, there's no parking or something? Could you just go in and get, you know, a pint of milk? I'd probably, the eight-year-old and 10-year-old, I'd send them in together to a garage to buy something with cash if I'm parked outside the garage.

34:28If I'm in a restaurant, I can let them go to the toilet on their own. Yeah. Give me another one. Give me another one to test the age. Oven. I think they could do that now, my daughter, but she doesn't. But I think she could easily. They both make me scrambled eggs. They can do that on their own. What age were you allowed to go to school? It was a driving thing. But then at 11, I got the bus and I'd walk to the bus stop on my own. So 11. I think that's the secondary school is the one, isn't it? Well, here's the thing on the other side. Yeah. My son, I don't know, I don't want to swear on it, wiped his own bum the other day.

35:06Yeah. Because he's four. Part of me was like, well, that is good. But how good's the job he's done? Do you know what I mean? Do your kids use toast? Do they do their own toast? Do they do their own breakfast yet? No, because he doesn't. Obviously. Yeah, obviously. And I end up doing it, but they could do it. Do you know what I mean? My daughter couldn't. She doesn't have toast, though. i've got into a pancake situation do yours do their own they'll they'll make their own breakfast so they'll get their cereal out and milk and bowl and spoon or they'll make their own toast and butter it and they can make eggs if they want to make eggs lou makes the pancakes the mix but i think we get to the point when they could make their own pancakes i wouldn't want them using a hot pan without us downstairs no exactly rob toasters are without us do you know what if you want a kid to help my daughter's got very into in the morning she's done a checklist which we go through and it kind of empowers her to be part of it rather than me just telling her the next thing if you know what i mean yeah and they do really want to do these things that's the thing we presume they're resistant oh will someone do everything for me but the truth is they enjoy the feeling grown up of it we're the problem we're the problem we do too much for them do you know what would really help on that rob what a monzo card because that empowers them then they can just go out and pay for breakfast.

36:24Exactly. They can go out and have avocado on toast. Would you let them pack the bags for the holiday, Rob? Not the whole holiday. Maybe hand luggage. Hand luggage. Yeah, I think that's fair. I think that's good. But then if you'd let them, they'll just pack like 20 teddies because they're not practical. They're not going to go, I do need some factor 50. Yeah. Yeah, I do need an extra swimming costume because if that one's wet, I don't want to put that one back on. There you have it. Monzo helps take care of the money stuff. and we'll take care of the rest. Monzo's award-winning account for under-16s.

36:56Download your new favourite bank. For children aged 6 to 15, parents or guardian account needed first. UK residents only. T's and C's apply.

37:07What's your views on, like, kids' TV and stuff? Ah, well, kids' TV. So, obviously, all I've got is... So, Casper's just getting into... I'm back on Miss Rachel because Casper's now started with Miss Rachel. I miss Miss Rachel. It was more tumble for us. Oh, really? Oh, God. Saviors. These people are saviours. Yeah, yeah. Like Caspers. You know, I just go, Miss Rachel. Do you let him have a screen or is it just on the big telly? No. See, this is, I'm very jealous about this. We came in slightly too late after they'd kind of, after the discussion about how iPads were bad for you had come out. So we were too late.

37:41I would now, if I was giving them the iPad, be aware of the discussion that screens are bad and time should be limited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm gutted that I missed, because there was the bit when the iPads were new. parents were just slinging them at their kids. Oh, so you don't have... We don't, so we don't. But the TV is doing all the... Can I ask with that, is there ones you like and ones you don't like? Well, Bluey. We all like Bluey. Yeah, we are. 15-minute episodes, you know, small, short, it's like crack. You start getting into them. You get that little circle at the end, you know, in the corner, it says like 11 seconds left to the next episode.

38:13Sat there, skip. Last week, I watched eight episodes in a row. Forgot to pick Wilder up from nursery. On your own? I'm kidding I bought it I bought that yeah no so no Bluey like Bluey we used to come home from the school run and Mr Tumble would be on for about an hour and I'm like why is he still on well this is the thing isn't it because Generation Alpha is that correct I don't know yeah right the one after the Gen Z them yeah what's that generation that all slept with their dad until they were 25 yeah yeah The generation below our generation They're Gen Z Are obsessed with generations It's young and old guys It's just young and old I'm just not interested People are so interested in generations I'm not interested in The difference in gen We're old But we're not old old Yeah we're middle aged What's my mum and dad?

39:14They're boomers aren't they We can't be in the same group as them We're middle aged There was no generations when we were kids. I'm so happy you've said this. I absolutely agree. They're obsessed with it, young people. Okay, boomer. No, okay, old person. Yes. All right? Yeah. Do you know what? I think you've dragged me in. Yeah, thank you very much. So young, we're going children, young people, middle-aged, old. Young. Dead. Yeah, but what's that? You know that about? Generation dead. And then there's Gen Z or whatever they're called, the younger generation, they'll tell tell you what all the different generations are like oh and then they'll end by blaming you for the fact that they can't afford a house yeah i didn't make this decision yeah yeah it is awful for you and i agree but there was no decision within our generation where we went should we over the next generation it can't be my fault people can't afford i know but also i don't know what have i done no i started with fuck all and also i have to say these are the things you read I think there's a difference between what you read about and what you see like out there in the world.

40:21You go to High Street on Friday night. I mean, everyone looks like they're having a great time. There are people in their 20s outside Wetherspoon's going, oh, I wish I could afford a house. They're having a wonderful time. Yeah, yeah. So have we all turned into Clarkson? Yes. But what I was going to say is that so these kids, children, they're brought up with on-demand television, YouTube, and this is not what we had. so they have everything instantly just at their hands whereas we had a window of 3 to 5 to watch children's programmes 3pm to 5pm and basically if you miss that you're watching Panorama with your dad that was it heartbeats yeah heartbeats exactly but you didn't know it was more shared viewing because I was thinking this the other day my kids were watching TV and I was trying not to look at my phone and I was thinking Josh I've bought sorry to cut you off there I've bought to try and combat phone addiction I've bought there's an app called Opal right about 80 quid that app stops you from using your phone I've bought a lockbox which you put your phone in when you get home and I've bought a thing called Brick I've got Brick I still use Brick I've spent over 200 quid on Brick trying to combat you've almost got a wall I've got devices to stop me from using devices I've lost and what's your screen time?

41:37it'll just be what it won't change because I won't put my phone in the box what do you look at on your phone? Fox is mental. I just scroll. I don't look at it. Doom scroll. Just doom scroll. My phone addiction is so bad, I was staying at a hotel and I went to charge my phone and there was no plug socket next to the bed. You know that? Yeah, yeah. I had to sleep on the desk. Another joke, Josh. I don't know yet. I don't know yet. See him reeling in. What? Bloody hell, is this short of right? Can we get a drum bit? I might need a drum. There we go. That's right, it's not real. But yeah, no, it is bad.

42:08Hence all of these devices. So you're trying to watch a children's programme and not look at your phone. This is how obsessed he is with his screen time. If he's driving somewhere, because it comes up in your sat-nav, you know the sat-nav goes on your car, he's turning his sat-nav off. Yeah, the Apple car thing. Yeah, but he's turning his sat-nav off for the last 10 miles because he knows the route to make sure his screen time's on. To save screen time. Because it's so you. It's charging me screen time for sat-nav. It's so unfair. That is so you. Do you want to know something else to do? That's hilarious.

42:33So, Brick, right? It gets rid of all your time-wasting apps. Are you using Brick? Yeah, I am using Brick. But this is how I ended up... Do you know what Brick is? We've got the exact same screen time, so I don't know what he's using it for. This is what happens. I've got rid of all the time-wasting apps, so I've only got calls and Uber and stuff on it. And so then I find myself sitting, waiting for a train or whatever, and I'm like, I wonder who I've called recently. And I'm just reading the boring apps now. Yes, right. I wonder what cities have got Uber. Why don't I search? But I remember when you used to go for a shit, I'd read the back of shampoo bottles.

43:10Yeah, yeah, of course. Something. Something. My phone died from Leeds. Died at the beginning of the train journey. And I thought, I can't do this train journey just with my mind. So what did you do? Did you get off? No, I went down the carriage to ask if I could borrow someone's charger. Yeah, I've done that. Like a crackhead. Yeah. Basically, go, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to bother you. I can see you're all just trying to enjoy your journey. I don't need the charger for the entire trip. About 40 % will do. That's how bad. You remember that one? Was that from one of your daddy days out when you were a kid?

43:45So you're on tour, Sean? I am on tour. Tell me about your tour. It's called This Is Torture. I'll go through the dates. Is it spelt tour as in torture? No. Should I have done that? No. No, thank you. I don't think that's a good idea. It's called This Is Torture. And yeah, it's a spring tour. Very much looking forward to it. I mean, it's more... Best time to go on tour. Spring. Well, yeah, because as it moves on, it gets brighter and lighter and warmer. Yes. oh do you know what though I quite like the autumn tour because then as it I'm just trying to get a bit of positivity I'm saying a positive about autumn you don't have to just be so edgy all the time you can just join in yeah all right pro autumn I like it when the Christmas decks go up and you're touring around and you're and you're looking at the program singer who's in the panto and there's that excitement of the autumn tour you're looking in the program to see he's doing panto because you've used brick on your phone so you're having to pick up the leaflet on the phone.

44:43But yeah, it's cool. This is torture and it's basically, I mean, you know, it's kind of, I suppose it's, as with all of us, is that it's more of the same. More of the same. You know, you get to use, we get to use. What's quite nice is most people go to therapy and they pay their therapist to listen to them. But I've worked so that people pay to listen to me talk about my problems. So is there a theme to this or is it just all the funniest stand-up you've got in the last year or so? Yeah, I mean, there's not a theme and I've not even tried to kind of contrive one. But I think there is a kind of crossroads where you are at 40 and you do have two kids.

45:16Yes. And so your life has changed probably more than it ever has done since you began standing up. It's the busiest your life will ever be. Yes. In this moment. And it's the most it's going to, I think, anyway, we'll see. But it's the most it's going to change. It's the most it's going to transform. So you're coming at life, I think, from a slight... I'm making it sound much more profound than it is. But you are coming at life from an angle that you wouldn't have been coming at it from. So I talk about the concept of knowing who you are. You have kids. Now you've got to have some sort of concrete idea of who you are.

45:52And what your morals are. What's your idea of that thing? Because your kids are going to come and ask. Absolutely. And so it's talking about kind of grasping that. Exactly who is it I am. And then, of course, who you are most of the time depends on what mood you're in. And is it true that you end by at the end going, and I am Sean Moore. Yes, who I am. That's who I am. No, it's actually wrong. You're close. It's I am human. I don't know if you're joking or not. You've caught me now. I think you've always been an incredible stand-up, but you was almost a little bit not old enough. You were brilliant when you were younger, but you'd moan about things and be angry and passionate about stuff that was a bit more like Twi, like, you know when you're getting a round of Jager bombs and there'd be 40-year-old people in the audience going, yeah, it's funny, but I'm not actually bothered about that.

46:39But now you're talking about real life things that really do matter to people. Yeah, well, I was doing all that stuff and you don't really realise when you're, at the time, you think you've got, you've got an hour of stand-up and I was naive. I didn't realise that if you spoke about alcohol and your drinking habit for an hour in one show, then you might get a reputation for someone that just spoke about alcohol who knew. And I honestly just, hadn't thought about the kind of consequences. But precisely, that is how I lived my life. And that is how a lot of people that's how my friends lived their life.

47:14So, you know, now that I'm 40 and two kids and I don't drink, I won't be talking about that. But I was slightly pretentious probably, but I always end up being pretentious when talking about stand-up. I like to talk about I think I even kind of alluded to it earlier is there will be comedians that talk about the world you read and there are comedians that talk about the world you see. And I just much prefer to talk about the world in front of me. the world that I see the world that we experience I find that that to me is where the funny is that's what makes me laugh that is so spot on and I didn't realise I felt like that until you said it so well done with saying it there you go that was the best thing that's happened on this episode no thanks to you you gave him a bit of space and he fucking drilled it top corner my grace my missus my grace my dear grace shit I'd say well fucking hell you need her don't you absolutely but I have to Because on my, I often, as you know, I have a podcast called Oh My Dog.

48:08I was about to ask for the other podcast promo. Oh My Dog. Oh My Dog. And Class Clown. And Class Clown, which you recently came on. And it was fantastic. Grace is always having to correct me for things I've said on Oh My Dog. Oh, right. So she wanted me to actually just quickly mention if I can. I know we're short on time. No, it's fine. We're not short on time. Well, the birth, I mentioned, the last time I was here, I mentioned the breech birth. But it was an emergency breech birth. Yeah. Right. And we didn't have that with Casper. And so what happened was, I don't think we were kind of entirely, or certainly I wasn't, entirely aware of the dangers of the emergency breech birth when it was happening.

48:45Right. And actually Wilder's oxygen was cut off. Oh, God. Jesus fucking word. And all the red levers were pulled. And in my kind of naivety and probably in the kind of adrenaline of the birth anyway, I, and thank God, either was grace totally, but we weren't really aware of the seriousness of what happened. And then when we had Casper and it was an entirely smooth birth, it was only then that I realised how kind of horrific that first birth was. And I'm just so blessed that it happened that way round. Because I was completely oblivious to how horrific and scary that actually was. This terrible moment was happening in front of me.

49:27But luckily I had absolutely no idea. I told you I passed out, didn't I, the first time I had? But there was none of that. Well, at least there's a reason why you passed out. It was horrendous. Yeah, it makes sense now. Yes, exactly. Right, I've got your tour dates here. Okay, here we go. So we've got the Bury St Edmunds Apex. Oh, the Apex. Do the cities and I'll name the venues. Yeah, okay, here we go. Have you heard of Leeds? The City Varieties. Musical. Hartford. Beam. Correct. Chorley. Little Theatre. Correct. Basingstoke Anvil Haymarket Don't look at me Maidstone Hazlitt Cambridge Junction Junction Yep Stamford Corn Exchange Correct Sheffield Classic I love the Stamford Corn Exchange Sheffield Oh Crucible Steamworks Taunton Brewhouse Correct Swansea You'll never know I don't know Talia What the fuck's that I've got no idea Good luck getting there Yeah Southend Cliffs Palace Winchester Don't know I've never been there Theatre Royal Brighton Court Exchange Correct Crew Oh that is nice Lyceum Yep Coventry It's not Coventry It's Warwick Yeah Folkestone Quarterhouse Yeah Quarterhouse Lyme Regis Don't know No idea Marine Theatre Fucking nightmare getting out of that About an hour of country lanes Okay Swindon Wyvern Yep Exeter Northcote Yep Bristol.

50:59Vic. Redgrove. Hull. Truck. Yep. God, it's like doing you bet.

51:09Liverpool. Dunno. Epstein Theatre. That's got to be renamed. Oh, no! What is that? I thought Colston Hall was bad.

51:20Salford. Lowry. Northampton. Correct. Durngate. Royal Durngate. Correct. London. Hank the Empire. Correct. Yes. Well done. That's a great talk. You'll smash it. Oh, yeah. Great fun. Thank you. That takes you through to October. Hang on. No, there's a spring talk and then the London one's in October and we'll see. We'll probably put in more dates before that and all of that. That's all before June. Lovely. Stuff. Thank you. Enjoy yourself, Sean. Thanks for having me. Sean Walsh. Love a bit of Sean Walsh. Love a bit of Sean Walsh. One of the best stand-ups in the country. I'm going to go and see him in Folkestone, I think.

51:55Are you? My parents always go and see him. They live down there, so I'm going to try and get to that one. Good. Go and see Sean Walsh. This is Torture across the UK now. See you next week, Josh. Bye.

52:14Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whittacombe here.

52:22I have got a new podcast. Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture and I'm going to say it I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it here are the reasons why number one I'm confident if you're listening now you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny number two I'm confident if you're listening now you like podcasts number three I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob you prefer pop culture to people talking about things let's be honest boring things like history, economics or politics I know I do and that is why I made this podcast I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

52:59See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby, when Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh, The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

53:37Stiffnecks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe, and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whittacombe. Available everywhere from the 1st of January.