S12 EP28: Emma Doran

16:06Yeah. Because everyone wants to know. Yeah. Because everyone thinks that could have been me. Yeah. Whether it was like in their 20s or whatever. Yeah. Or that happened with my friend Sarah. Yeah. Or my brother John had a kid when he... You know. Everyone knows a girl at school that that sort of happened to. Or in the area. Yeah, so everyone always wants to know. So you kind of, you get very comfortable with telling everyone your story. So he was like a summer kind of dalliance. So like very into him, but like not...

16:35Josh Widdicombe:You're not pushing through that as a relationship, are you? Come on. There's only so much you can do. Was he at school at the time? He was like, I think he had just finished and he was, yeah, he was going to go to college. Right, yeah. So I met him. I was... Gosh, I'm working in a chipper. What's a chip shop? Chip shop. Chip shop, yeah. And it's the night he's getting his exam results. Oh, the lucky devil. So that's the night I meet him. So he met you in a chip shop. I'm saying salt and vinegar and then... Yeah, one thing left for a moment. But we were seeing each other for a while while I was there.

17:10And he said bad sausage. Yeah, yeah, hello. All that. So I'd seen him for a while. Living in... Sorry, I'm just actually remembering the story. This is great. Living in a mobile home. He was living in a mobile home. No, I was. You was? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, near your parents' house or your own place? No, so my friend's parents had, in Wexford, you know, like by the sea, have like a caravan or whatever. So me and my friend were living in that, working. Look at you trying not to be judgmental. No, I'm not. I'm just trying to, it feels like a pitch for a sitcom idea. Yeah, so. But it's your actual life and I need to remember to be respectful.

17:44Because I'm really trying my best not to say something bad. You are, you're like, okay. I'm not very good poker face. So me and my friend are living in the mobile home, the caravan. You're in a caravan in Wexford. You work in a chip shop. This child walks in who's getting his grades, results, and you two are loving each other. Yeah. And does he move into the mobile home? No, he doesn't move in, but we see each other. No, no, it's not that ridiculous. Come on. I'm kind of seeing him a bit while I'm down there. But I have to go home because I'm not finished school yet. So at the end of summer, I have to go home.

18:16And how fast home? Oh, like, it's like an hour and a half. You know what I mean? Like, we're just down, like, you know, seaside town. I go back home and then very quickly, I'm back at school and I find out very quickly, I'm pregnant.

18:28Josh Widdicombe:Oh, and so how do you tell him? I told him, because I think from watching, like, films or something, I was like, okay, you have to tell the dad. He's the next person that needs to kind of know. Before your mum? Before my mum. So my friend who I was with knew. Yeah. So this poor friend of mine. You've got him reading it in the newspaper, the chip show. Yeah, this poor friend of mine. I mean, I told her everything. You know what I mean? So she's my confidant. She was there. Like, I mean, she wasn't in the room, but she basically would have been. Like, there's no soundproof. It's a caravan. Oh, and she knows.

18:57So she knows, right? She was with his friend.

19:00Josh Widdicombe:She was with his friend. Oh, this actually. Well, I tell you this bit. This is the funny bit. So we're in the mobile home the night I got pregnant, right? So I'd seen him before or whatever. And we are kind of like pairing. We're pairing off, right? But there's only one condom, right? we kind of say who's going to get it. So me and him get it. She doesn't get it. Oh my God. Right? We get it. But it doesn't work. Oh my word. Yeah. Oh wow. Yeah. Only one condom. And you got it and still got pregnant. And you got it and still got pregnant. Jesus, what's this guy got using his nuts? I know. Powerful stuff.

19:38So she knew the whole story, right? Yeah, of course. And of course, she's like you, she's trying not to sit there and kind of just go, oh, fucking escape that. I'm sorry, I'm smiling too much, aren't I?

19:48Josh Widdicombe:It's a great story. In a way, the condom, the faulty condom, is giving you an air of over-security that she didn't have. Yeah. So she's got lucky by not having the faulty condom. Yeah, yeah. What is it, faulty? I think he made a faulty. He put it on wrong. I think so. He put it on his head. He put it on his nose. Because in my room in the mobile home, the light didn't work, so it was pitch black. Sorry, he didn't know where his penis was. I've not been funny, Emma. in the dark I know where my dick is I've never lost it once all these years I've been sticking up from what's how long I am in his defence it was dark

20:30Josh Widdicombe:Suicide Boys Grey Day Tour 2026 with special guests get tickets now at livenation.com line up varies by city LifeLock, how can I help? The IRS said I filed my return But I haven't One in four tax-paying Americans has paid the price of identity fraud What do I do? My refund though I'm freaking out Don't worry, I can fix this LifeLock fixes identity theft guaranteed And gets your money back with up to$3 million in coverage I'm so relieved No problem, I'll be with you every step of the way One in four was a fraud-paying American Not anymore Save up to 40 % your first year Visit LifeLock.com slash podcast Terms apply.

21:15Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla? Smooth caramel, maybe. Or a white chocolate mocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits.

21:27Josh Widdicombe:Find Starbucks frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries.

21:34Oh, wow. So, yes. What are you, Ena? But you're a kid as well. You're not experienced in condoms. I don't have a clue. You know the main TV. I'm still not 100 % convinced I know what to do. You know, in Degrassi Junior High, they're constantly putting condoms and bananas. I think, when are we going to do that in school? I think we should know that. A condom and a banana in daylight is a lot different to a dick in the dark in Wetsford.

21:56Josh Widdicombe:In the school, and now we're going to turn the lights off for the next lesson. Out in the field. With the lights off, try and do it with the lights off. So how did he take it? So I phoned him, and it's actually now, not funny at the time, but it's very funny now to look back at it, obviously. Chris Rock does a bit that I then later, discovered years later, when a woman brings a man to tell him that she's pregnant, if the guy's response is, what are you going to do? Yeah. You know? Yeah, fucked. And that's what he said to me. He's like, what are you going to do? Yeah. I was like, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

22:31Like, I don't know. I was like, I'm going to have the baby or whatever. Yeah. And he was like, okay. And that was kind of it, like. Because he was like, are you coming down? I think he was like, you know, because we were still in touch actually. We were still in touch and trying to think of ways to meet up. And I was like, oh, like I'm pregnant. And then just this big silence. And I was like, he's still there. Oh my God. And he's like, yeah, so what are you going to do? Oh God.

22:58Josh Widdicombe:Oh my word. It's not the best response. And I was trying to be very grown up, like, I won't message him. It doesn't help that he's the first person you've spoken to, so you haven't even kind of spoken to your parents at this point. No, no, no, and I don't have a plan. nobody knows the school don't know my parents don't know nobody knows oh my word what I'm telling him is if he's if he'll know obviously it's been a long time when you laugh about it now but you might was you completely devastated and panicked oh big star panicked yeah oh like panicked yeah panicked like fuck like I just was on autopilot for like all that time like when I was growing up like all girls school you would chat about it as like, oh my God, what would you do if you got pregnant?

23:42What would you do if you got pregnant? I'd be like, oh, kill myself. It's so lie. Oh my God. Do you know what I mean? Like, we were like, that is the worst thing. This is like, you know, naughties. There was no, like abortion wasn't available in Ireland. Yeah. Ireland as well. It's a level up Ireland, I think, with that kind of thing. You see, and as well, we would have had like laundries up until the 90s. So now I don't know anyone who went to a laundry, but you know what I mean? Like that takes. What's a laundry? Sorry if I'm ignorant. Laundries are, do you ever hear of like the Magdalene laundries?

24:13It would have been a thing where back in the day in like Catholic Ireland, if a woman had gotten pregnant, she would go to a laundry to work, to be put to work. So it was run by nuns. She would go there to work in a laundry, you know, like doing bedsheets and all that. And then her baby would be adopted through the laundry. So that would happen. women who say were from like very poor backgrounds or if they had been abandoned so their family was like there you go and they'd have no choice they'd have to give up the baby they'd have to give up the baby or like so say and this would be like you know all sorts of women would say if it happened a young girl yeah and if the family if the family didn't have the money to maybe send her off somewhere, you know, like say maybe to an aunt, somewhere else that she could hide away.

25:07Was that to stop sort of family shame? Family shame, to do something with the baby. So now there was only, I think, it had all been winding, winding down. But you know, like that building, there was still one in Dublin. Yeah, and you would still know people that that was their life experience. And you would hear stories from your own mum of, you know, friends that had gone away. you know there'd be lots of adoption stories that women had gone away you know may not have been in a laundry but would have gone away to like say I think it would have been quite common to go to like a kind of a nursing home stay there have the baby come back I was away work yeah I'm not saying that was happening when I was growing up tell your mum and dad about it this was a thing that happened and you're an 18 year old kid yes so how did they take it they were actually great yeah they were great so like now I knew it wasn't going to be because they were going to kick me out or they were going to feel shame I just I knew that they would feel like oh like everything's going to be so much harder for her now yeah you know it's going to really it's going to really change everything my mum took it really well I wrote her a letter and I like left the letter and ran out the door and then she came and found me I just had gone to my friend's house across the road, like, and she just came over, you know what I mean?

26:32Like a child. I ran away. Like a child. I ran away to the end of the road, like, kind of thing. And she came and found me, and she just said, she gave me a big hug, and she was like, come home, and you're ready. And my friend was like, what's going on here? And then my dad, she rang my dad, and I'm like, oh, God, because I'm an only girl, and I was like, oh, God, he's going to flip. And he'd been like, would have been like, one of those dads, like, close the door, man. You know, those dads, dad's going to knock. but he was like oh I quite like the idea of being a grander so they were really nice about it but then once I told them they went into like action mode right what do we have to do we have to tell the school we have to go to the doctor we have to you know and I'm just worried about my final exam in school because I want to I want to get that done so it's like because if you get that done it does give you options in a couple of years time doesn't it to defer studying when the baby's older yeah you can you can do all that then like you need to have that to move on to third level education so i want to get that done but the dates are very tight okay so the exact i think in the end i was basically i had my daughter

27:37Josh Widdicombe:and then 13 days later i start the exams you have to do those exams yeah like english paper one happens on the monday morning at nine o 'clock you have to sit that exam then right yeah there's i and I still don't think there is. Because it's the same exam, so obviously... It's the same exam and it's locked in a case and, you know, all that kind of stuff. There's no dispensation for someone that's just had a baby? No, and I actually, when I went to the maternity hospital, like when I was doing my check-ups and it was getting really close and I was worried about... So you were going to do the exam?

28:10Oh, yeah, doing the exam. So say originally with her due dates, I would have had four extra dates.

28:17Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. so say she was due on the 18th but she ended up being born on the 22nd so I'm going in for appointment on the 18th I think and it's my due date so I'm like okay well they're going to tell me to stay because she's due today and I have an exam to do and I was like they just did the exam everything great fantastic and I'm like sorry it's my due date today what's going on and she's like no it's fine like this is totally normal and I was like yeah I know but I have to do my leaving start and she was like don't worry she's like plenty of girls have done their leaving certain hair and I was like I'm not doing my leaving certain in the maternity on the maternity ward I was like no so I start freaking I start freaking out not freaking out I was like yeah but then so four days later I had her so I had her in enough time to get back in and do the exams where was the baby when you were doing the exam yes the baby my little baby I have I have my baby.

29:17Also, most people are juggling, I might miss that hen do if I'm pregnant then. You're trying to get an exam in. I want to get that exam in. Because I want to move on with my life. Is it one exam? No. I want to move on with my life. I want to. Because I don't want to be a grown up then still in school. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I was just like, oh no, this is too much. No, it's a load of exams. So you've two exams in English. You've like your Irish. Basically, everyone does.

29:45Josh Widdicombe:Is this equivalent of A-levels? Yes, so you do six, seven subjects. Everyone does six, you take the marks from, but most people do seven. So you have like your language. You might have like a sign subject, you know, loads. And you're 18. You're 18. Yeah, you're like 17, 18, I'm 18. So this is so much for you to sort of like deal with. Do you think when your daughter, you know, who's older than that age now, she's 22, when you saw her at 18 did it sort of give you these mad flashbacks of like oh my god because when you're 18 you feel like the old because you are the oldest you've ever been you feel like you're old when I go back and do uni gigs and I see 18 year olds I thought they'd all be rowdy they're not they're scared little boys and girls they're babies yeah oh no well I'll tell you this not only when she's 18 yeah she's in my old school so she's in my old school in the exact same uniform one.

30:43She's got red hair as well. Loads of my teachers that I had, then had her. I go back for a parent-teacher meeting for the big year, you know, the exam year, and one of my old teachers says to me, they all know me, like they all know me, do you know what I mean? And they were all the people that saw the bump, and then they're teaching this bump. And one of the teachers said to me, he's like, he's like, be honest with me now, did you cheat in that history test that time? I was like, am I getting slack for stuff that homework I didn't hand in 22 years ago. I was like, are you for real? But honestly, when I saw her at 18, child, baby, I couldn't even.

31:22And it was during, she was in her last year of school during COVID as well. So it was all, you know, it's even during COVID, it's just more like the intensity of that. You're only just staring at each other anyway. And I was just like, it did really make me think. I'm not going to let her work in a chip shop in Wixford. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No caravans for you. But I was like, oh my God, I was so young. Yeah. You know, because you don't have time. It doesn't matter what age you are or what the circumstances are when you have a baby. You don't have time to really reflect. No, of course. Then anyway.

31:55Yeah. Even if you have your ducks in a row, like your career, your house, whatever it is, you don't have time. No, it felt like absolute chaos when we were like 29, me and Lou. Yeah. It's only when they're older, you kind of, you know.

32:08Josh Widdicombe:So then when you settle and you've got a baby and you're 18, 19 by now. Yes. How do you go? What's next in your life? Because you presumably need a job and stuff. You've got a baby. So what I do, and my family's very supportive of this, I go to college in September. Locally? No, well, like in Dublin. So I get my marks and I actually do all right. Do you stay at home with the baby? I stay at home, yeah. But commute in and out. And you see most people in Dublin, a lot of them would stay at home. Yeah, yeah. And go to. So that's quite a normal, isn't it like you're the anomaly at the college? No, no, not in that sense at all.

32:49So I get enough marks to get into this like degree course in an IT. You've cheated at history. Yeah, I've cheated at history. I've gotten in. You know what I mean? What a sad case to remember that. All you've got on and done. You've sort of like left school, racist baby, had another two kids. Yeah, weird. You're a comedian that's travelling the world doing gigs. And then another teacher was there asking me about my mates. Like, oh, you're still in touch with Suzanne and all this. And just like I said, look at the old crew back together. I was like, you are a strange man. I remember when you was in here and she was doing that.

33:22You should all wait for a pint or something. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, so I went to college in September. My parents were very now supportive of that. Like, go get your degree. you know and I wanted to I wanted to kind of see like to do like to get I was like right get a degree right don't you know what I mean because I was like right I'll get that I'll get a job I have to get out because I was like I want to be independent you know so my mum is at home mine and my daughter I go to college but now that was all good and made mates in college and people I'm still friends with but like it's weird because everyone's like I mean they're in college so they're all like going to the pub after and whatever and I'm like flying home or like you know people are like I'm wrecked I'm so tired but so from a very like very quickly then I never really spoke about parenting around other people because it was so alien to them so I was never coming in and going oh it's up all night because no one gave a fuck

34:28Josh Widdicombe:obviously their presumption of course like their presumption presumably is you haven't got a kid straight away. Yeah. So you're constantly having to break this. Yeah. Is that quite weird and difficult? It's very weird because what you want. Because you're like, do I lead with it? Yeah. Or do I wait for a moment? You're constantly, it's the big fucking. Yeah. Well, especially if that guy comes up to you in a bar at the uni and you're like, how are you? And then you have to go. So my system there was, if I didn't like him, first thing I didn't make. First thing I didn't make. If you didn't like him.

35:02Yeah, yeah, yeah. first thing I would say and then they'd always say oh my sister had a baby I was like for fuck's sake and then if I liked somebody I would kind of be like but then even still I didn't want to like be in a relationship with anyone so I was kind of in that regard I'd be like Cinderella I'd kind of check in with the male gaze and say have a smooch and I'd be gone we should be on the ground because I even if I went out of college I'd always be like I'd kind of leave at 12

35:31Josh Widdicombe:do you know because so I'd kind of be like, I need to get home and like, because I'll be up early the next morning. So it was always very sensible. So it kind of created this like bit of mystique around me or whatever. And then you're like, oh, I have a child. And then, it's cool, it's cool. That was a lot to tell. A 19-year-old fellow just trying to get his hold, you know what I mean? Like he thinks you're going to say I'm working tomorrow or something or whatever. And you're like, no. So, and then I think in my final year, it was and I worked in a pub but like just a couple of nights a week but I just wanted to like you know have a bit of your own time yeah just a bit of money and whatever so yeah that was kind of working in the pub was kind of my social life but I didn't really I think towards the end of that degree like say in the fourth year I was kind of starting to loosen up because then the other kind of reveal was I'd never been like very interested in school or academic or wouldn't you know I'd just been like if I hadn't had a child and I'd be going to college I was like oh let's just go and watch Home Away or you know what I mean like I'm too hungover today but because people were making sacrifices so I could do it I had to be you know I had to be good I had to take it seriously so I kind of as well would like be saying to people like oh I'm not actually like this I'm not a big nerd just so you know I was mad and I fucked the whole thing up and now I have to be sensible so just how you know so I felt like I was an alien so what you're saying is if you want to do you well at uni have a kid yeah it focuses your brain really quickly when you're youngest got a bit older and it was a lot easier like in school and stuff like that and child care was easier and they'd club and stuff and not the intensity of it in your sort of mid-20s at that point did you have a second go crazy period where like you go do you want to go to your nans for the weekend and then you were like fuck it i'm 26 but kids all right let's just go for it yeah do you know what i i say that's probably when i met my fella all right that i'm with now i say hi i I think, like, and still all...

37:30You move quick, don't you? No. No, it's five years. Four or five years. No, I mean, as soon as you make the decision, you're in. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I was mad. I was mad about him because I actually, at that, I think at that stage, I was working in, like, this community radio station, which I was delighted about because it was short hours. It was close to my house and it was kind of something media, something creative. This is how I feel about work. If it's short hours and near my house, I'll do whatever you want. who had everything it was ticking all the boxes and I used to see this guy going around he was an electrician in this new shopping centre and I used to be doing this thing this is how like how starved of any romance I had been I'd be going down the escalator and he'd be coming up and I'd try and be like making eyes at him like I'd be trying to flirt with strangers in real life you know what I mean so I was trying to do all this I'm sure he was like oh that poor girl I never understood making eyes I always felt like I was just really staring at women and it felt uncomfortable you still do that You've obviously never had a huge dry spell in your life.

38:29If you have a big dry spell, you're throwing eyes at people out at 10 o 'clock in the morning on the street. I've had some dry spells. You're like making eyes at people on the bus. Like, it's bad. So I was doing a bit of that, but obviously he just thought I had something wrong with me. But I met him out on a night out then. And I was like, So I went hell for leather with him. And I remember one night, now this is when I was seeing him, But I would kind of go to his house and I would set an alarm to get up to go home. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. To kind of go back to bed for a few hours. Like basically, hi, morning, mommy's here.

39:05Ah, okay. So she never knew. Yeah.

39:08Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my word. But one morning I forgot to set the alarm and I woke up with the brightness outside. Oh, my word. And I was like, fuck. And she got up very early. And where's mommy? Yeah. And I was outside. So I ran out of his house. and this was like a lad's house, you know, like young fellas in their 20s. And I was like, somebody's locked the door. I can't get out the door. And I couldn't get out. And one of the guys is there and he had just come in. And he's like eating a burger. He's like, I'll give you a lift. And I was like, oh my God, nice sandwich. So I couldn't get out of the house. I went out the back.

39:38I was like, I'll go out the back and go over the fence. I had the fence locked. I had to jump over the fence. I had got in a taxi. I lost a shoe. I left the shoe. I was like, I'll get the shoe again, went and got into the taxi. Now his house is very close to mine. but I just got in the door just as she was getting up and my dad was up with her and she was like none the wiser and I was like I was so distraught I was saying to my dad I was like oh my god I can't I fell asleep I fell asleep I was like you're fine you're fine don't be worried about it I was like okay okay and then I was like then he was totally cool about it and I was like you know he knew I'd just fall asleep and I think he could tell by me I was like because nothing like that had ever happened but then the sudden realization of it's like seven o 'clock in the morning and I'm now up for the whole day.

40:23And I was just like this. Like, I probably fell asleep at like five to six or something. Do you know what I mean? And that one day with a kid as well. Do you know what I mean? So it was kind of like, I was kind of mad with that because it was hard. I didn't know how to like have a relationship and like date somebody but also be a mom because obviously you're like, you don't want to introduce somebody to your child too quickly. but you also if you're like falling in love with like you know you're kind of like I mean I had a UTI every other week and my mum was like Emma you're burning the candle about them you're burning the candle about them and I was like you know but it's hard because that's your everything but then you you have to split your sort of yeah and you don't want and because like you don't know when to introduce the person and obviously that's a big deal but you kind of want to try and keep it casual as well did he have any kids he didn't have any kids now.

41:21And he's always been cool about it from the start then. Yeah. And he knew because we kind of had like friends in common and stuff. That's good. Yeah. So he kind of knew. I didn't have to really do like a big reveal kind of thing. And he knew. I bet you've got some great stories of the big reveals where it's gone wrong all right. Oh yeah. Men just running away. Yeah. Oh totally. Like sometimes it was very useful. But he was all good about it and I think he was kind of, for his age he was kind of mature in a sense. His mum had died when he was like 14. So I think he kind of looked at family in a different way as like not a burden but like a positive thing or whatever.

42:02Josh Widdicombe:I was going to say that's good but that's not the way to respond to his mum had died at 14. Oh that's a relief. You bastard. He had kind of lived a life or whatever. But I was probably going out with him, I might say, for about six months before I did an introduction and it was very I thought it was very low key. he was off and my daughter was off I was collecting my daughter from school so it was just real I was like well I I've you can come like if and he was like okay and I was like oh you can come and I'll drop you home after then and he was like okay cool and I got her to the car and I was like oh this is my friend Shane she's like oh hey so it's all very low key I thought isn't that great and then years later she said oh she's like my eyes are out in stock she's like I knew exactly what was going on I was like that was that all worked out but I thought I was being so chill.

42:49They're so on it, kids.

42:50Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, they know. Yeah, of course. He sniffed his stuff out straight away. And then when did you start doing comedy in that? Was that like a late thing where you're like, had you wanted to do that? Yeah. So I was 29. Now, I would say I wanted to do something funny, but I don't know how you felt about stand-up. I didn't really think... I was like, how do you do that? How do you go about it? I didn't really know that it was a thing. and then I kind of I thought I would have like I thought maybe acting or something but maybe something funny but that to me seemed a bit over the top you know like going off and doing acting after school because it's just how we see like people who did acting just didn't work then you know I was just like how is that what's the story with that that sounds crap so I never would have done acting and then I think I had I had been starting to do like some little things so basically what I would do I do kind of add mini jobs and then if I got the chance to do like something, a runner or something, I do that.

43:51On TV shows and stuff? Yeah, and my plan was that hopefully somebody would kind of say to me, Emma, you need to get out in front here.

43:59Josh Widdicombe:That's what I do. Where are mum being lovely? Oh, God. Everyone says they get discovered. Yeah, of course. So I was waiting. I was like, if I put myself in the right place, I'll get discovered. Nobody discovered me. No, no. Everyone only gets discovered after 10 years on the circuit. Yeah, I discovered them. I mean, yeah, you didn't. So then I think some guy, I made some videos. I sent them to a TV guy and he said to me, like a real throwaway comment. He's like, you should do stand-up. And I just took that as, oh. You know, just somebody who was in the biz saying it to you. Who was just thinking, what can I say?

44:32What can I say to end this conversation, to put a full stop and just say best luck with everything, goodbye. But I really took that as like, okay, that's like my license. So I was on maternity leave. so I'm settled now I'm with Shane Ella we're all having a great time I planned pregnancy how I you know how new for me no judgement if you have or haven't it's an open house so I'm all I'm loving life but I haven't really done anything creative I haven't had time

45:00Josh Widdicombe:it's too easy for you now life's too easy oh second baby a baby at 29 come on I don't have to do any state exams I can drive I don't live with my parents I'm not you know what I mean? You moved out of a mobile home. Yeah I'm in a double bed now. Basically also presumably your first daughter is quite useful. Yes. Like it's not like two kids that are arguing. Presumably she's quite excited. She's very excited. It's a great age because I was worried god she's been the focus for so long. But you're not it's such a big age gap you're not in competition. Yeah. but they have their but I was like God are they going to even feel like siblings is that going to be weird but they have their own little buzz the two of them that I've it's nothing to do with me yeah and they both of them are very academic they have a very similar kind of personality like traits that aren't me at all yeah and they have they have their own I'm like how did that happen you never know what's nature or nurture yeah I'm like oh what's going on there but um and was it quite quick the conception the second time you just give him a condom in the dark and say go to work very quick came off the pill straight away because i thought oh if you come off the pill yeah it takes time no i don't bother like give it sick don't even bother talking to a doctor or getting anyway worried and until like six months or a year yeah no straight away so i got a bit of a shock and then with a third as well then bang bang one of the most fertile person that's ever existed yeah so i'm in constant fear all the time i'm constantly You've got to get a Miracle Grow advert or something.

46:39Yeah, yeah, I'm real fear all the time. I'm just like, God. Don't breathe near me, just in case. Yeah, Keaton, wait. Because now I'm very happy, but I'm like, no, I'm finished now. I'd have a 22-year-old, I couldn't. I mean, for perfect symmetry, one in 10 years' time would be great, wouldn't it? I mean, you will get a stand-up show out of it. Yes.

47:02Josh Widdicombe:This episode is brought to you by Tesco Clubcard, here to help you save with EasyJet Holidays. We all know the Club Card can help you save on shopping, but I can tell you for free that it's no one-trick pony. No, no, no. You know those lovely Club Card vouchers you get just from shopping at Tesco? Well, right now, exchanging at least a£5 voucher gets you double the amount to spend with EasyJet Holidays. So, next time you pick up a meal deal, you can say to yourself, ooh, that's going towards my Ocean View suite. But it gets even better. If you book between the 2nd and 19th of April and travel by the 31st of October 26 and spend more than£1 ,000 on your holiday, you'll get£100 off with the code TESCOSAVE in capitals.

47:47Josh Widdicombe:Your club card is your new passport to paradise. Save now, sunbathe later with Tesco club card and EasyJet holidays. Full T's and C's apply. See tesco.com slash EasyJet holiday. K-pop Demon Hunters, Saja Boys Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day. It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really. Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side.

48:26Josh Widdicombe:And participate in McDonald's while supplies last. eczema is unpredictable, but you can flare less with Epglyss, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema. After an initial four-month or longer dosing phase, about four in ten people taking Epglyss achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks, and most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing. Epglyss, LibriKizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis, that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies.

49:05Josh Widdicombe:EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit EBCLIS.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545 -

49:31Josh Widdicombe:What was your daughter, who was 12 or whatever, when you started stand-up, how was that for her? Yeah, because actually, so she's kind of been there from like the very, very beginning. Yeah. So she really remembers the whole thing. Yeah. And she only watched a show of mine for the first time the other week. Oh, wow. Wow. And she's in it loads. Oh, wow. This particular show. I was actually quite nervous because I think when I started you know the way I don't know it took me a while to actually share my actual life because you know when you're doing open mics you're like nobody cares about my life they're like I have an admin job and then the second you quit your job you're like I used to work in this place it's so funny but you're like you could say that while you're in the job but so I didn't really and you're doing clubs so you're like right people are out on a Wednesday night they mightn't want to hear about me and my family life and kids and whatever.

50:26So it's only like, as I've kind of developed, it's easier to write material that is about your real life. So she came, and I was quite nervous because she was in a, her boyfriend was in a, I'd had this real freedom where no one in my, like my children hadn't really engaged with my material. Yeah. And she came, but she really enjoyed it. But she was like, oh, that was really good. And we changed conversations straight away. And I was like, perfect. Do you know what I think is, what I think, your kids really know the real you. Yes. And when they see you on stage, for most public, obviously it is still us on stage, but it's a certain version that's turned up in order to get the job done.

51:00And it's real stories, but you have to tweak things so it works in a room. Exactly. And I think a friend or family that really knows you can watch that and go, I understand what my friend or family member's doing here. Yes. But that's them at their thing, not what they truly believe or feel because they can understand the tone and intonation. So I do think kids are aware of that. Yes, she was totally accepting of it. and like when I started I did like I had her in a lot of sketches Yeah I've always filmed like kind of alongside each other I've always filmed sketches on my phone Yeah I used to get her in loads of sketches Yeah She used to do loads of them but she's not any way inclined like she can really act and stuff but she

51:39Josh Widdicombe:Doesn't want to She doesn't want to Did she tell you The best of both worlds I know The worst would be she can't but she wants to Oh Can you imagine And you're like you need a stage name just to throw people off the scent that she's my child. Is that the tour you're doing now, which is Immaculate? Immaculate, yeah. And you're doing, you've got Soho Theatre Walthamstow, which is an amazing new venue. Have you been there? I have been there. Well, just outside. I'm glad you said it because that's a bit of a long word for me now. Walthamstow? Yeah. Walthamstow. Walthamstow, yeah. I have to kind of say, but it's sort of out London a bit, but it's right on the Victoria line.

52:14So if you are, it's a really good location.

52:17Josh Widdicombe:And you've got more dates being added in March and April. That's your fourth London date of this tour. A tour which has done 85 dates in UK and Ireland. You've added a couple more Vicar streets in Dublin. Have you got an earpiece in? It's goodness, isn't it? I can't believe it. 35 ,000 tickets sold? Jesus Christ. There we go. Unbelievable. Well done both of you. You fool tickets. You fool me. I felt like something was happening. He's never done that in six years. I know. I'm quite impressed with myself. Quite impressed with myself. Should we write it? And then one of us reads it really quick. Yeah.

52:50Josh Widdicombe:That's great. So there we go. Immaculate. Where can they get tickets? You think you'll add more London because that one's about to go? Yeah. Have you got a mailing list? I have a mailing list, yes. Sign up to the Emma Doran. EmmaDoranComedy.com is my... EmmaDoranComedy.com. Yeah, or Emma Doran. You'll find me on the... On the web. On the web. On the web. And you worked in IT, didn't you? Got your degree in it, so your website's probably great. Yeah, yeah. Was that year one or two they took you the old finger tapping? Yeah. Do you feel like now, Rob asked, did you have a moment in your late 20s where you had a freak out?

53:24Josh Widdicombe:Have you gone, now I'm, my kids are older, now is my time? Yes, so my youngest is 11. Yeah. And it actually took me a little while to twig that they didn't, they still need you, but they don't need you in the same way. or even I suppose maybe that guilt of you know when you go somewhere and you kind of have to look at your partner and go I'm I'm gone now so I hope everything works out while I'm gone or you know that guilt or I'd always like if I was in Ireland I'd like always drive home from gigs really yeah and then like you know sometimes they recently I think it's I should just stay and just I know when I drive home in the morning there's nobody up so I can't just go get back in you drove back got in at 2am woke up at 7 they were all asleep till midday yeah totally what was I killing myself for how are you feeling about the potential to one day be a grandma a young grandma well no this was the fear I did have the fear I was like this could happen me in my 30s yeah you could be a grandmother in your 30s oh my word I mean you don't want that to be the show do you ideally you want to be hitting like earliest possible is like late 40s early 50s really yeah but i did think about it as well of i was like if my if this ends up happening to my daughter yeah imagine if i reacted poorly you know what i mean wouldn't you just be like did you learn nothing from me what's the light on when you gave him a condom i did really this is the funny thing i actually made a conscious thing of when she was a teenager i was like right i'm really gonna talk to her now my mum did try to talk to me about stuff but it was very like riddles you know like I always kind of came away going what has she just said to me I haven't really I don't know and she like oh you know and it was all very like kind of watch out for the boys and the boys are only you know the boys are only after one thing rather than talk about as almost throwaway lines yeah so I thought okay and I did the thing with my daughter I did talk to her but still incredibly awkward I don't think there's any way to get around any of that without it being awkward.

55:39Yeah, but also you knew what was going on. You were just unlucky in that instance that the condom didn't work. You know what I mean? You did all you could to not conceive. Oh, yeah, but you'd think that I would feel comfortable then talking about, like, sex and everything with my daughter. I was like, oh. Well, so my eight-year-old asked me the other day, like this, I couldn't stop laughing. Well, I was trying to be sensible. She said, can, the hamster's called Muffin, can Muffin have a baby? I said, Muffin can't have a baby because she's in the cage alone. There's not a male hamster in there and she's a female hamster.

56:10And you need a male and a female hamster to have a baby. And she was like, all right, so like, how do mummies and daddies make babies? It's like, you need a male and a female to have babies. Well, how does it work? Well, the man has a seed and the mum has an egg in the stomach, in the ovaries, in the womb and that seed needs to go into the egg. And when that works, when that goes into the egg, then the baby starts to grow. We should cut this off

56:31Josh Widdicombe:and put it on. Yeah, yeah. We'll wait till we... And so then if that seed gets into the egg, it grows in the mum's belly. Right, which was great. She went, well, how does a seed get into the egg? Yeah, classic. Yeah. So this is the big, this is the hard question, right? And you knew you were heading that direction. 100%, but I was hoping I was... And they you. They you as well. This is quarter to eight a.m. on the school run, by the way, and I'm not a morning post. So I went, um, and then she went, does the daddy just spit in the mummy's mouth? Ha! And I'm like, fucking hell. what did you say yes luckily if she likes that no luckily by some sort of divine intervention something happened outside the car like a weird van went past oh that's a weird van and then no one asked me again and I didn't want to bring up the spit because what's difficult is like I'm comfortable in telling them it but he's very young to actual it's too graphic where I said so I spoke to Lou about it we said it was fine because that sort of went away and I said no I said no they don't spit in the mouth and then if she asks again I think we're going to say oh we've got there's a book about that so we can read the book together yeah and then because Luad's got a book not the spit in the mouth that's a pamphlet it's hard to know isn't it because it depends on the child and I do think as well like it's different boys and girls yes I mean you know like a girl could be walking around have her period at nine yeah yeah you know but like I look at my sons at nine no no no babies the other side of it is not how you related to your college friends but you were thrust into other parents when you were 24 you were like dealing with presumably 35 year old parents at the school gates and stuff like that what was that like some of them I really I created enemies when my daughter was going to school that was like kind of when the class WhatsApp group was in its infancy, I feel.

58:32That was only beginning.

58:34Josh Widdicombe:But it already, did WhatsApp exist by then? No, I don't, but you know like kind of parents messaging each other and stuff. It's a mad jump between the laundry rooms to WhatsApp in one generation. Look at us now! I thought that I was the alien mother. I thought that they all knew that I was the younger mam and stuff. and there was a few of them who would get to the school early to get first in the queue. So the way it was is the teacher would send the kids out. So the teacher would keep the parents away from the classroom door. I'll poke my head out and see what parent is there and I'll send that child out.

59:11Josh Widdicombe:And that would be a queue. It would be a queue. So there'd be a particular group of mams that would get there early to get first in the queue. Yeah, you see, it's a power play thing. And I really started to despise some of these mams. Like just the politics that was at play there and who you got in the queue with and then somebody letting their friends skip up to the top of the queue. And then the younger woman in the group that's popped. And then all the child minders treat it like dirt. They're treated like dirt in the queue because they're not the parents. Not by me, I'm just saying by those mums that skip the queue.

59:47Was there ever a moment though where it flipped the other way rather than sort of you being slightly put to the side because you were the younger mum and not the same age where they would go, oh, you're the younger mum and be shocked that it was you. And then you'd be like, hang on, obviously I am. Yeah. Isn't that obvious? It does move on because there is that moment where, you know, for years you have the thing of like having, the other thing is, this is my daughter because people assume that it's your sister, that you're minding your sister. And then gradually over time, people stop asking you to explain what the relationship is that they know what it is.

1:00:25And nobody, that conversation ends then of, oh, you must have been very young or whatever. Oh, sorry, I thought she was your sister. That leaves. And then you just go, oh, it's not me anymore. Do you know what I mean? You're like, oh, okay. Oh, so I just look like her mum now, do I? Cool. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, right, grand. So that happens. So that you kind of have to... And that's a little bit, a little bit... Yeah, it is, because there's a period of time where you're like, oh... And they probably really annoyed you at the start. Yeah, you were like, she is mine. I wish I didn't look so young and people didn't keep asking me what age I was and then it's like oh it's gone now so nobody asks anymore and yeah it went then and then with my sons I mean I really have tried to have as little contact with other parents as possible I would say that did your husband do more of it your partner do more of it now you're what do you think so you're very much the default parent he can't he can't do WhatsApp groups no do you know what I mean but he can he doesn't want to it's that can't cook won't cook he can he won't he won't I should look the way our class whatsapp group works it's 20 you know 27 women in that group and there's one man Mick is floating around in there and Mick is just giving the thumbs up and I want to meet his wife or whoever he's with and say what happened how did you add him to the class whatsapp group

1:01:48Josh Widdicombe:was it an argument did he have an affair things have to change around here what doggone is he trying to get out of yeah yeah what happened or is he there's some men that love me in the I'm in the WhatsApp groups both times and the music tour okay so yeah it's good I'm indifferent in that I don't mind I yeah yeah I like being in it so I'm aware they're not that active to be fair they're they're not inactive but they're they're pure they're not social they're purely whatever you call it I know what you mean pragmatic this is happening has anyone got has anyone found a coat with this name in it? Yeah.

1:02:24Josh Widdicombe:It's that. Is netball on? Yeah. That's, yeah. Do you know the one, I'll tell you something, the one that really got me going. So my son went into secondary school. So that's, in Ireland it's like from the age of like 13 to 18. That's your secondary school. Some people trying to keep the WhatsApp group going. Oh no. After they've left? Yeah. Just for sort of lols? For lols and just kind of checking on the school. So they're all, they've got like, you know, a load of different teachers for all the different subjects. They're keeping that going. They're keeping the class once they're going. Oh, no, no, no.

1:02:58Then somebody went in and said, I nearly, I nearly lost the ball. They said, do we get presents for the teachers now? What? Once the kids have left? No, no. In the secondary school. Oh, no. Misses whoever who's the Spanish teacher. Might be a phone tutor at the end of the year. Oh, sorry, you're insane. No offence. I was like, yeah. Pardon. It was the Spanish. not the Spanish

1:03:22Josh Widdicombe:not the Spanish not after Spanish not after what they did in the final of the Euros I was like have you lost your mind I was like you're making up jobs for yourself some people haven't got enough on would you say that on the group no no no no somebody else said it big old thumbs up somebody said no no you don't no no you don't need to do that and then somebody else piped up and said oh no maybe just a bottle of wine no oh no well I do think suddenly you're getting a case of wine because there's ten subjects of course you're having to drive up to school and empty your boot I know at Harvest Festival because it's end of term and this has been amazing good luck with your tour thanks so much so sign up to the mailing list if you want the new dates that are coming out anyway thank you so much thank you thanks Mel cheers thank you Emma Doran I love that episode Hall of Famer look first of all let's say you are quite keen to jump to favourite episode we've ever done yeah yeah You've got a history of that.

1:04:20For me, one of my favourites we've ever done. And I think that holds a little bit more weight than when you said it. Exactly. Which I don't want to... No, no, no. I think that's a fair comment. Totally. The way she spoke about being a teenage parent, hilarious. Brilliant storyteller. But also really inspiring for people. Yeah. Look at my... You don't know what my hands up to. I want to see how many you're counting. All right, yeah. I can do more. Yeah. Got a degree in IT. Yeah. I thought it was brilliant. Brilliant. And I think as well, like... Like, when people talk about, like, a teenage pregnancy, it's sort of delivered as the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anyone as a parent.

1:04:56But I think it's quite inspiring because it does happen, and that's life. You can try and do all the right things, all the right lessons, all the right sex education, the right parenting. It can just be unlucky, and that happens. But I just think the way she spoke about it was amazing, and, like, the way her parents rallied around her and they navigated it. You never know what's going to happen.

1:05:12Josh Widdicombe:22 years later, you could be a superb podcast guest. exactly and an excellent comedian travel the country go and see her thank you very much for watching bye bye that's the outro

1:05:32Josh Widdicombe:hello Parenting Hell listeners recognise that voice? yes it's Josh Whittacombe here

1:05:39Josh Widdicombe:I have got a new podcast Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture And I'm going to say it, I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do. And that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

1:06:17Josh Widdicombe:See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby. When Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real. When a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2. and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

1:06:55Josh Widdicombe:Stiffnecks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday. Perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe, and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Widdicombe. Available everywhere from the 1st of January.