S12 EP29: Beckett's Crude Retort

0:00Josh Widdicombe:K-pop Demon Hunters, Saja Boys Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day. It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really. Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. And participate in McDonald's while supplies last. Spring Fest is heating up at Lowe's, and for a limited time, we have the extra big deals you need to impress guests.

0:38Josh Widdicombe:Get your outdoor space ready and save$50 on a select Cobalt 24-volt blower kit, now$79. Plus, save$80 on a Char-Broil Performance 4-Burner Grill, now$199. It's springtime, and our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid to 413. While supplies last, selection varies by location.

1:03hello you're listening to parent in hell with hey beckett baby can you say rob beckett can you say josh widdicombe is that a funny name you want to say it again you want to try again

1:19Josh Widdicombe:josh widdicombe there we go loving life that guy i'm a huge fan and recommend your pod to all my parent friends. Here's my then four-year-old saying your highly amusing names. Yes, his name is Beckett. And we live in Hong Kong. His first name's Beckett? Yeah. Okay. What do you make of that? Honoured? I think that might be an American thing. I'm originally from Bulkington, near Coventry. Oh, that's a Coventry thing. Thanks for the last Annette. It's me at the fucking gym, mate. That's where I go to the gym, Bulkington. Getting those gains. Just signed up to an AI fitness coach oh my word what does that mean well i had a guy toby who was really good but you have to check in with him and then like fill out a form and it was really good he's really really good if you have got a strict schedule and then you can commit to it but i can't really but what's good about the ai thing is well i don't know yeah i've just i literally haven't started it yet but you can tweak it the good thing about the ai is there's not a human at the end of it that can judge you that's what i've enjoyed about it so far can you hear that banging no there might have been banging in my i heard someone no no it was it seemed to sound like the other end of our house do you ever have that in the middle of the night you just hear like something fall off something and because and it's like it's scary and think oh god i might get burgled but it's probably just a kid knocking something off the side because but it terrifies you well no like you know like you know how messy the kids rooms are where sometimes they've got a book on the bed and then they roll I mean, you wouldn't know everyone's in your bed, but I'm saying when the children are in other rooms.

2:56Yeah, if we hear sound in any other room of the house, it's absolutely terrifying to us. Well, it's still terrifying to us, but I'm like, I just go, oh, it's probably something's fallen off the kid's bed.

3:07Josh Widdicombe:I was in the sitting room last night reading in silence. I mean, who reads not in silence? No, no, but I could hear in the kitchen. Right. It sounded like the tap kept being turned on and off. And I thought. Oh, Noel Edmonds is haunting your house. It's Noel Edmonds haunting my house. Yeah. It's mad that you bought Noel Edmonds' old house and did a whole first episode about Mr. Blobby. For your new podcast. Yeah, yeah. That's really weird. Yeah. That he's a 90s TV phenomenon and you're obsessed with 90s TV and you ended up buying his old house. That is fucked up. That's so weird, isn't it? I wouldn't say it's fucked up.

3:48Josh Widdicombe:No, no, no, it's fucked up. It was a bit aggressive. but that is really weird or do you think it's sort of like an osmosis thing where did it turn you on a bit knowing that um any owned it no there was a daily mail article about us buying it oh was there it actually quoted you rob what did i say what has our life come to that we're in a national paper i know it said like obviously from the podcast it said it said it was quite dismissive of you saying something like you made a horse joke or something because it said uh that you were in the same house that noel edmund used to wank in was the quote yeah yes but i wasn't i wasn't asked by the journalist to provide a quote on your house move i i was it was a throwaway comic comment in an entertainment comedy podcast where the goal is to make people chuckle so i'd suggest i didn't hold a press conference i tell you what i didn't click on, Rob.

4:44These 600 comments. Oh, no one needs 600 comments about their life and house.

4:51Josh Widdicombe:Well, I can't remember what your quote was. Speaking on the Perinette podcast, we had come and told Philip Beckett teased him with a crude retort. A crude retort! And Beckett teased him with a crude retort that he had moved to a house that Noel Edmonds had had sex in and he'd wanked in there.

5:13should we do some emails should we do some emails Rob well yeah there's been a lot of feedback from you announcing not announcing but you telling everyone that you're going on a ski holiday

5:26Josh Widdicombe:and Beckett's crude retort that all the snow looks like spunk yeah there's just a fucking jizz all over the fucking hills laughter laughter laughter laughter The king of the crude retort. The king of the crude retort. I'll just get loads of crude retorts. Good luck getting down that slope and fucking jizzle on your scooter. Yeah. Two holes which are like dicks that you're holding. You're having fucking metal fucking rods. Two throbbing cocks in your hand. You fucking wipe your dirty little asshole, swinging it from side to side down the hill. Getting the little stick between your fucking thighs He said, you fucking ram it up your ass to drag you up the slope, you dirty fucking skiing bitch.

6:15Robert Beckett retorted.

6:19Josh Widdicombe:So if I die on this ski holiday, they'll probably use those quotes. Before Josh went on the trip, Beckett crudely retorted. I love a crude retort. Anyway, people have got in touch, Josh, about your sex holiday. Sorry, ski holiday. Ski advice for Josh. I was listening to episode three, the wheels have come off, really laughing out loud on the train at the ski holiday conversation and Josh not really taking on board what Rob is saying. Yeah. No, can I correct you? I've taken it on board and chosen to ignore it because I can't deal with it. I think you filed that under, that is a problem, but I haven't got the capacity to deal with it at this moment.

7:03Exactly. Exactly. You're a good reader of people. I'm just going to sit in the chalet and rip the head off it. Sorry, I've got to stop the crude stuff. Robbie's 100 % right. Ski holidays are not fun. I mean, no, they are fun. That wasn't a direct quote. No, I think ski holidays can be fun, but there's a lot on the line. There's a lot of stuff that's got to go right.

7:26Josh Widdicombe:Have you ever been with your family? Never with a family, but even just as a couple, I found it challenging. And I've been on ski things filming, and I've seen a lot of people with young children and it looks really stressful. So I made the decision not to go until the kids were old enough to like hold their skis and boots and be a bit more like, look, you're old enough now to do this. Anyway, I have been skiing since I was four and have two children now, age 17 and 12. And skiing with kids sucks. Getting dressed and ready is a workout in itself. And by the time you get to the snow, you're knackered carrying equipment.

8:02the only enjoyable part is dinner and bed in the evening I think this is a bit extreme

8:07Josh Widdicombe:any kind of thoughts about enjoyable part being bed in the evening Rob? I think I've run out of them now I'm exhausted once you've said you've jizzed all over the hill with a big throbbing cock I mean where do you go from there? you know what I mean? difficult isn't it? saying that you have to go through that shit for a couple of years to get to the other side you can all ski and it's enjoyable take one's advice um make it easy yourself and book a private family lesson that's what you're doing isn't it yeah or put your ski in ski school i'll recommend also having a go in a snow center in the uk first good luck book a summer holiday for the week after you'll need it love the show can't regard sarah my instinct is i think i mentioned before the kids may respond better to having a teacher that is in charge where they might just run to you rather than the teacher so it's a and tricky and also you're going to be a bit stressed and nervous because you're learning yourself.

9:01I think I'll be cool as a cucumber. Yeah.

9:06A big cucumber covered in Vaseline, shoved up your fucking Harris. Beckett retorted. Beckett retorted.

9:20Who writes those articles? One journalist goes, I'm going to go and become a journalist so I can basically just scour the internet for celebrities' homes that I can write a load of bullshit about and nick quotes from a podcast. What job is that? It's AI now.

9:36Josh Widdicombe:Well, Rose thought it was written by AI because it was so badly written. But I said I think it's too boringly written. He used the word splashed out twice, which is the kind of thing you'd crudely retort, splashed out. Both I and Noel Edwards had splashed out on the house at different points. Right. We've got longest amount of time doing the school runs, come in and dragged dragged out jobs and they dragged out jobs and i've got a massive boomer story okay go for it right let's do let's let's do boomer first hello sexy relatable boys long time listener this is my submission for boomer parenting every other year me and my entire family would take a trip to center parks now as we aren't oil barons or lottery winners this was a real treat and one year on route to the world's most expensive woodland retreat my auntie casually dropped into conversation that they didn't pay for me this year but not to worry i'm still coming but they need to smuggle me in fucking hell this is quite this happened quite a lot at center parks i think the old smuggling i've got friends that did this so how how do you smuggle someone into center parks i've not been you put them in the boot of a blanket over them so a lot of the people did this yeah so what would happen is you'd be a family of five and you'd get the two like the the two bedroom thing, but there'd be three kids, five people.

10:54So you're only paying for four. What have you got to get through on the, in the, in the car? You, you know, been set to parks. No. So basically you pull up to a little cabin and they say, check who's in the car, tick all your names off and give you your, your, your, your keys and your drive up to the cabin. Yeah. And then you drive up and then you drive to the cabin to get everyone out and everything out. And then you go and park up.

11:15Josh Widdicombe:Where's, where's the kid getting out? If you were to smuggle them in Rob, do you think you could have done it? Yeah. Yeah, you would basically wait till you got to your own cabin and then they'd just get out the boot. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fast forward to us pulling over on the A11 to put me where? Under some blankets? No. Oh, my God. My loving family opened a suitcase. Fuck off. Fuck off. For seven-year-old me to climb in, zipping it up and placing it in the passenger side footwell with strict instructions not to make any noise until they gave the safe word. Meggie, the name of our beloved family dog.

11:51what followed was 20 minutes of darkness struggling for air and praying someone would say the dog's name this is so horrible jesus fucking christ all of this topped off by my grandmother panicking that i was going to suffocate as we approached checking followed

12:04Josh Widdicombe:by the rest of the family why didn't they open the zip a bit one of them old this would have been an old suitcase without wheels like a big old leather one yeah there's no wheels there's no wheels yeah yeah she was worried about her suffocating um the rest of the family telling her to be quiet as if the center parks police heard it they would ruin our holiday eventually after passing through the checking cabin with no problems but uncle hastily parked the car and rushed to get me out i was unzipped and set free in the car park red face to gasp for air all i can remember is the stunned look on the faces of all the other families next to us who must have thought that my family were at best incredibly tight or at worst people smugglers i mean it's a weird place to human traffic isn't it two centre parts i don't think that's where they're going to and from it i guess technically we were both it was a different time that is mad all in all it was a great holiday full of great albeit slightly traumatic memories so my friends that had that happen to them said that they felt very stressed on the whole holiday because they thought they were going to get yeah i wouldn't enjoy that i uh i broke into glastonbury twice oh did you that's pretty cool a bit cool of you yeah i didn't realize you were cool yeah you did is your cat just asleep next to you now yeah that's very sweet sorry yeah um she's enjoying the pod see i love animals see yeah you love them oh she's so soft rob um but um yeah i broke into glastonbury twice but once you're in you're in do you know because you just disappear into the crowd how did you get in first time under the fucking fence mate whatever Oh, there was a hole and you just crawled under.

13:43Too fucking right. So how did you know about that? Was there someone saying, if you pay me this money, I'll take it to the hole in the fence? I paid someone a tenner. A tenner? Yeah. That's amazing. How old are you? 17. You're a pretty cool dude, actually, aren't you? Yeah, too fucking right. Now, Josh, see, I struggle with you as a, like, because I find you are very sort of homely, a bit like stressed in like sometimes social situations can be overwhelming for you you just want to be at home with your family in that little bubble where you feel cozy and safe so you can have tea and eat toast yeah yeah but there's other side of you that like will sneak into classroom at 17 go out into the world and become a comedian and stuff like that so was drink was drink driving

14:25Josh Widdicombe:that sort of crazier side of you no i was sober i think i think i thought it would be easier than it was i think at the time everyone was doing it it was a real peer pressure thing right okay and yeah and also if you're not in you're not in you're missing an amazing weekend so you were like caught up with a group when you live in the west country as well it feels like it's a thing quite close to you so it's not like so everyone feels like you own it a little bit more yeah and everyone from school was doing it do you know what i mean it wasn't like a kind of and then um i don't know why i became a comedian it doesn't really fit with my personality type no not at all like almost like production or like podcasting and writing's a bit more you but the actual going out in front of a big crowd and like look at me listen to me i want to be seen i want to be seen you do don't you i want the credit what what is the dream scenario if you could pick any job any reaction any status in the world like what would it be would it be like you like Martin Freeman's like a really funny, but well respected actor that's done Hollywood, but also can do the state.

15:32Is it something like that? No, it's been a musician, obviously. So it'd be, it'd be the lead singer of a band or do you like to be like the guitarist, lead guitarist that could be a bit more vocal chords, but you wouldn't want to be the lead guy. You'd quite like to be the guitarist that could live a semi-normal life. Cause you're not as famous as Damon Albarn kind of thing.

15:53Josh Widdicombe:I'd like to be the guitarist. Yeah. in the same way that if I was a professional footballer I'd probably want to be the winger but is that an age thing now but when you were 20 would you want to be Damon no I mean I know because I've never had the confidence I'd want to do that no because I always wanted to be like Messi but now I want to be more up here though right so for people that don't know football Messi's like the best player in the world number one he's an attacker an attacker the central point of the attack and the most important player in every team he's ever played in number 10 the captain the head the Christian Ronaldo type person but now I want to be a little bit more displaying it out from the back running the game is kind of very quiet effective kind of cultured graceful midfielder who sits back and kind of conducts can the pace of the game but can still score a worldie from distance or free kick but that's where you feel you are in your life no no that's where i want to be now not necessarily saying i am oh right okay i'm not saying that's who i am that's who i aspire to be yeah i can see that hang on the feet are up the legs are up what's happening there do you feel anxious about I've just gone Joe Wiley.

17:07No, no, no. You've gone Joe Wiley. He's pulled out of Joe Wiley. Go on.

17:13Josh Widdicombe:He's pulled out of Joe Wiley. Yeah, I can see that. And I never wanted to be a defender. I think I wanted to be seen, Rob. So Graham Coxon is your dream life? No, not really. Johnny Marr? No, not really. I don't know. Yeah, Johnny Marr probably. I've got a lot of baggage with Morrissey that I wouldn't want to like I wouldn't want to in every interview be asked about comments that the person he works with 30 years ago has made 30 years time they're asking about me jizzing on your pillows in your new house in Exeter it's crude comments so your ex podcast partner Rob Beckett is performing naked wrapped in an Italian football flag with a pillow shirt on dick out 21 on his back yeah yeah it must be difficult being johnny marr like getting on you know he plays with all different people and all of a sudden he gets a text from morrissey it's oh god well johnny marr doesn't drink and apparently they met up um morrissey's a big drinker is it it doesn't work doesn't you don't imagine that you think he'd be the more like tea drinking poet type and ma might be the record and they met up one afternoon i mean this must have been years ago when it was still possible they could get back together in a pub in manchester and just discussed it all and morrissey apparently got just like got really pissed and they were going to get back together um imagine if you'd walked into that pub that could be us rob in 30 years meeting me just getting shit-faced at you you getting a macaroni pie.

18:56Josh Widdicombe:I'm still moaning about not losing weight. I just can't see the shit. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

19:08Right, do you want a longest amount of time doing a school run? Yes. Hi Rob, Josh, I'm Sexy Michael. I've been listening to your pod for a few years and absolutely love it. Recently you started questioning who has done the longest school run in years with heavyweights like Robert De Niro, wrote me Jagger. But as an F1 fan, I think the one you've forgotten takes the crown. Nigel Mansell. Mr. Bernie Eccleston. Mr. That is such a Josh Whittacombe name to say out loud. If I was doing an impression of you and I had to think of a name of an F1, it would be Mansell. Bernie Eccleston. Here we go. He is 95.

19:45He's 95. Yep. His oldest daughter, Deborah, was born in 1950. she was born in 1955. What? So she's 70 or 71 now. Yeah. And youngest son, Ace was born in 2020.

20:05Josh Widdicombe:If ever something chose the journey Bernie Eccleston's been on, it's the different names between the first and last child. Deborah and Ace. So he was born, he's five, which means if he's not kicked the bucket by the time Ace is 18, and lived on the school run for 83 years. Fucking, was there any gap? Well, that's the thing. I need to look at this because that only works if there were kids in, like, because if he's not in a kid. Obviously, like Tamara. And Petra. But they're like in their 40s of their own kids now. Yeah. And let's see what Bernie Eccleston's up to. So you see how he's an ace with, and how's his semen still working?

20:43Do you know what? Is that a wig he's got on? I don't know. He's got a lot of air there, hasn't he? But I'm not sure. Here we go. Let's have a look. Bernie Eccleston, let's have a look at the kid. he's worth 2.5 billion yeah it doesn't surprise me jesus christ is that from f1 yeah he sold it didn't he yeah so he bought he owned the whole of f1 didn't he right and then so right so now i don't think this works because he's got deborah tamara petra and son ace no disallowed disallowed var yeah because petra is his youngest i think it needs to be without a gap i'm sorry that doesn't

21:19Josh Widdicombe:allowing it. She's 37, so no, it doesn't work. Red flag. Is that F1? Who cares? I think they have flags. They do have flags, don't they? What does the red flag mean? Bring it into the pit lane. Have I shown you my F1 thing I got sent, and I've got no idea what they sent me? One second. Bring it in. I got sent this, all right? It's probably the most random like selection of things I've ever been sent, right? I got sent a framed, this is from, who sent this? Authentics. F1authentics.com, right? Yeah. And they sent me a framed photo and it's of Kylian Mbappe. Right, yeah. The footballer waving a flag, like the finishing flag at the Monaco Grand Prix in 2024.

22:14Yeah, because he's from Monaco. Yeah, which saw Leclerc take glory at his home track with Piersteri and Sainz following respectively. And on the flag, he's got a load of names. And one of the names is Rob Beckett. What? So, the flag has got my name on it. Mbappe waved at the Monaco Grand Prix. And then they cut my name out of the flag and put it in the frame with the picture. If you go on the video, you can see it. That is mad. Well, thank you very much, but I didn't ask for it. They just said it to me.

22:45Josh Widdicombe:That's so weird. And is that because you and Rom did the Monaco Grand Prix? Maybe. I don't know. But I don't even know if that's the one we did. No, 2024. Or maybe it was 2024. It might have been the one I did. But what a random thing. I've not put it up yet. No. Do you think you will? Lou, I've got a few things to put up in the house. Like what? You're aware of Kylian Mbappe. Bear with me. Is Lou aware of Kylian Mbappe, do you think? um i think if i yeah i don't know if i said like i think yeah probably as a footballer and a red flag um is the most serious flag in f1 instantly stopping a practice call off and erase you to severe danger yeah this is severe this is a total red flag this bernie eccleston fact because it doesn't work no okay so it doesn't work so thank you anyway thanks for getting in touch but it was a load of bollocks next time pull your fucking finger out listen properly and work out what we're asking for because we're not mugs here in the middle of middle of your work oh i'll email that podcast yeah email a load of shit that don't make sense anyway thank you so much again claire 492 mum's grandtham um do you want to drag out job josh i've got loads of you can do some do one in a minute if you want hi robin josh and michael you recently talked about dragging jobs out when i was 19 i worked for a concession stand in debonhams and outside of the blue cross sales there were like one or two customers per day there was literally nothing to do i ran the concession stand alone on quiet days me and other people who worked on other concession stands because i suppose the debonhams staff don't care if there's nothing to do for you because you're paying to have the stand we go to the pub for the afternoon and leave our phone numbers behind the till for any of the Debenham staff to call us if there are any queries there never was got away with it for three years wow we never made any money and eventually the concessions shut David from Lancashire David please let us know what the stand was for do you want another one or do you want to give one out or do you want to do one shall I do one I tell you what you do a couple then I'll finish off with a playground shaggers because we're building up to a big playground shag a special, aren't we?

25:02So this will just get the whistle.