S12 EP31: Briony May Williams

17:38Cockapoo, obviously. Yeah, obviously. Classic middle class dog. Yeah, everyone's got a cockapoo, don't they? Yeah, well, I haven't. No, no, you haven't. You've got cats.

17:44Josh Widdicombe:You've got cats. Three cats. Three cats. And then you did Bake Off. Yeah, then I applied to Bake Off. And was that because you felt, what am I doing with my time? Yeah, like, would you have applied if you were a teacher? I don't know. Or was there a rudderlessness to your existence that you felt needed? And how good were you at Baker to go, I need to get this in a fucking tent, sharpish? I lied a lot on my application. Okay. Yeah, and then they were like, how often do you break bread? Oh, every day. Every day. Maybe once a month. Wow. Really? I mean, cakes all the time, biscuits all the time, but other things like pastry and bread.

18:16So did you just quickly teach yourself?

18:17Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, a lot of YouTube. What's the process then? From writing off, take me through the process of getting on Bake Off. It's like six months of auditions. So you send off your application form. You know, Noel's little voice comes on. Do you think you could be on the next series of Bake Off? It's like, yeah, sure, why not? Well, I don't, but, you know, I am stuck at home a lot. The dog's shit again. Yeah. He's working in software, so we'll be out for money for a bit. Why not? Kind of come in and cook some, bake. Bake some stuff. Bake some stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, basically, yeah. So I sent off the application and thought nothing of it, then kept getting some missed calls from London and ignored it.

18:51Sorry, missed calls from London? Miss calls from London. What kind of fucking Victorian... Your number is just O2O, that was it. It comes up as from London on your phone. O2O, you know, the London number. That's the most Bristolian thing. I remember from London. Miss called from London town. From the big smoke. The big phone in the middle of London. I didn't know who it was, so I ignored it. I thought it was like PPI. Probably the Prime Minister, isn't it? It's Big Ben. The Queen.

19:14Josh Widdicombe:RIP Paddington God rest her soul Is he dead? He's not dead Who Paddington? Yeah No he's alive Isn't he on stage no? Yes you can see him on stage Yeah I've got tickets Have you? Yeah Well Joe For June But what I didn't get is There's a person in the suit But the person in the suit Doesn't do the speaking Yeah Otherwise he'd be muffled Yeah but why don't you just get The person who's in the suit To do the voice Well maybe it's two different skill sets It's a woman in the suit Is it? So she can do the voice She's had to do like Extreme training Is she? This is an awful thing to say What kind of extreme training?

19:41Because she's so warm in the suit. No, no. No, seriously. Is Paddington Bear a man then? Yeah, it's a he. It's a he. I think a woman could do his voice. Paddington, he's a bit like... Give him a call, Rob. Have a word.

19:52Josh Widdicombe:Let me know what happens in June. Yeah, I will, I will. Colin Firth originally did the voice for the film and then they cut him. Why? Really? Didn't work. Who do they use? No, thank you so much today. Then we're short. Anyway, sorry. Dunkirk's in France. Dunkirk's in Colin Firth kicking himself. So, you apply for Bake Off. You write off, then London calls. London calls. I thought it was PPI, so I didn't answer. Yeah, of course. Yeah, and then basically you've got like a regional audition. You have to take bakes along. What does that mean? So you go along to... And how do they know it's your bake?

20:19Well, they ask you questions because they have had people like turn up with other people's bakes.

20:23Josh Widdicombe:Why does it say Sarah Lee on it? Yeah.

20:30Apparently, though, they do have people like sending in like pictures of like bourbons and stuff and saying that they've made them. Amazing. Like custard creams. Like, yeah, yeah, this is what I made this week. People take it seriously.

20:38Josh Widdicombe:If ever you're going to get caught out, but I suppose you think by the time I'm in the tent, I've just got to get in there and then I deal with that when I get there. Yeah, yeah, I'll be all right. But then you have to go to London. You have to go to London. I'll do London, of course. Not for me. Paddington Station, of course. Paddington Station, of course. And you have to do an audition live in front of cameras. You have to do a technical. And is that just your baking or is it, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, your sparkling personality? I think it's a bit of both. I was opposite a lady called Julie who I call perfect Julie she finished we had an hour and a half to make one meal foie right one what sorry one meal foie sorry what happened there is that French that's French yeah Dunkirk meal foie a million layers it's not that is it it is about 20 doesn't feel long enough does it not a million a thousand still not a thousand about 200 tops probably about five yeah are we worried about in the baking industry on the million thing we'll come back to it sorry to digress no I love this I think it's going to be a bit of a digressive answer.

21:38Josh Widdicombe:The millionaire shortbread is now becoming billionaire, and I saw gazillionaire the other day. What have they added to it? Nothing. They're just renaming it to win people over caramel in it. No, it's already got caramel in it. They're putting something like a gold leaf or something. No, they're not. They're just changing the name. Inflation? Yeah, well, of course it's inflation. Blame its trust. Anyway, carry on. The Mufry. What are we talking about? Oh, you made Mufry. Perfect Julie. Oh, yeah, perfect Julie. Yeah, as your kid. She was opposite me. We had an hour and a half. She finished in 45 minutes and they just started cleaning up her station.

22:13And they came over and they said, are you always as sufficient in the kitchen? And she went, yeah, my friends do call me perfect Julie. Oh!

22:21Josh Widdicombe:Big red mark from the people at Love Productions, I imagine. I think she's great though. She'd be great in the tent somewhere. Did she make it to the tent? No. No, of course she didn't. I was there literally covered in cream. But that's what they want. Raspberries. Absolute nightmare. Because that's what they want. She made a really patronising comment about my hand as well. And I was like, oh, what did you say about your hand? Because I get my nails done. And she went, oh, that's so sweet that you have your thumb done too. Oh, fuck, Julie. Picks off, Julie. Yeah, I hate Julie. So for people that are listening.

22:47Oh, yeah, sorry. I should probably explain that. I've only got a thumb on my left hand, so I was born.

22:51Josh Widdicombe:You were born? I was born. You were born. That's just the end of the story. But they think it was when I was in my mum's womb, there wasn't enough room. Oh, fucking hell, mum. I know, the blame lover. Yeah. And it's called Simbrachydactyly, which I think sounds like a dinosaur. Yeah. Simbrachydactyly. I didn't know that until I ended up on Bake Off. And so it's not a... I didn't. Well, what did you think? I just call it my little hand. And then when the press picked up on it, they were like, Simbrachydactyly. I was like, what's up with? Oh, wow. Okay. It was a technical challenge or something like that.

23:26Josh Widdicombe:I was going to do a Bake Off joke. I realized I don't know enough about Bake Off. Can I ask you a question? Always. Six identical Simbrac and Dactylies. That's what they'd say, isn't it? For someone that works in TV with a disability, how do you feel about Josh Widdicombe earning a crust of disabled people for 12, 14 years on a show about disability and he sat there with nothing physical, but God knows what's going on inside. Just for the listeners, Josh just waved his ten fingers at me. I couldn't even fake money. In your face. You're the token able guy, aren't you? I'm the token able bodied.

24:04Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. What a body. How did you get the gig? I'm so impressed. If we don't deal with this idea that the straight white able bodied man is dying out. We've got to have the diversity. I got the gig. Did you limp into the audition? There was no audition. They needed a comedian at the last minute for the Paralympic show. So I said I'd do it because I thought I'd get some free tickets and no one will ever think about this show again. and it was like a late night show. It was meant to be on E4 and then it got moved to Channel 4 because Adam Hills did a good speech at a Channel 4 event. Oh, did it? What's that, Adam?

24:36Here we are.

24:36Josh Widdicombe:Who's actually got disability. Yeah, actually, yeah. Well, I think if Channel 4 were casting it now, I don't think you would have got it. I don't think they assumed it was going to be a big piece. Well, I mean this rightly so. It wouldn't be three white men as well. Four. Me. I'd rather be there too. Come on. Come on, let's go. So how do you feel about that though, Josh, doing that? Is that fine? Fair play Fair play So you did Bake Off When you did Bake Off Did you think It was Series 9 Well done Someone's been on Wikipedia Yeah too right When you came to the public's attention When you came to the public's attention Is she on?

25:10Josh Widdicombe:So I will drop in French She's a bilingual pod today Yeah And Nadia had been earlier She was in the BBC Nadia was a few years before me yeah But it wasn't like a star maker Like say Love Island Love Island Which was your first choice Obviously Obviously Do you know what They love on Love Island That's a very different audition. People with missing limbs. They love... Yeah, not my type on paper. Yeah. What? The hand? Why it's too much? You can't say that. Perfect Julie can finish in half the time. So that's insane. Classic perfect Julie. Maybe that's where she ended up. I don't know. But it wasn't like a thing.

25:44Josh Widdicombe:You didn't go into it thinking this could lead to a career in television. No. My big plan was just to go back to teaching after when Nora went to school. Right. So you just wanted those four or five years off to go back to teaching. I didn't mean off, but you know what I mean. But you weren't planning on... I was going to say something and I thought, no, we didn't. To dedicate your life to your child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such a horrible man, isn't he? Hear that? Off, you at home looking after Charles. Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah? In one hand. I know, right? One hand tied behind your back, quite literally.

26:15Quite, yeah.

26:15Josh Widdicombe:Well, not quite. Leave her alone. Well, he wouldn't be mad. Do you want some more Dunkirk facts to get you out of this? No. So then how does that happen off the back of Bake Off? Like, do people go, oh, could you do one show on Steph's Pat Lunch? And then you before, is it like that kind of? Kind of, yeah. Well, I got an agent and then things were going quite well. I was writing for like Asda Magazine. I'd been on Blue Peter. And then after six months, they just dumped me and were like, sorry, the agency, they were like, oh, yeah, the agent who's looking after you is leaving and no one can look after you here, so bye.

26:45And I was like.

26:46Josh Widdicombe:No one can look after you. You're too much of a nightmare. No one can look after you. No one can laugh, tiny little me who literally does nap all. like and yeah so then I ended up signing with the agent I'm with now who mainly has disabled clients and once I signed with him who else have they got Lost Voice Guy oh yeah Adam Pearson the actor oh yeah Harriet Dyer I tell you what their number is on you know like the deal or no deal phone in the last leg office that's just your agent yeah basically he also supplies everyone of any kind of disability on Morning Live we all are Josh Riddick has been killed in an accident Yes.

27:22Woo-hoo! Let's go! Let's go! Literally, if anyone needs a disabled person to come on, Andrew, can you send over? Yeah. We've got a gardener, comedians, cook, whatever you need. So you're right.

27:35Josh Widdicombe:And so you now do Escape to the Country. I do, I love it. I fucking love this show. I love Escape to the Country. Can I ask you some questions about the film? Please do. Because I've watched Escape to the Country, right? You've escaped to the country. I've escaped to the country. You have. Well, Exeter. You're more, you've more escaped to the country than me. He's living in a world where he thinks Exeter's a city and not just a place to go. It's got a cathedral. The funny thing is that I don't live in the country. If I go there and do a tour show, I have to go to the uni. Yeah, that's not a city.

27:59That's not a functioning city if they haven't got a theatre.

28:03Josh Widdicombe:They have. What? The North Cup, but it's only 300 seats. Just do five nights. You're going to do a six-month residency. On Escape to the Country, I've watched a lot of episodes. Love it, yeah. I've never seen them buy a house. Have they ever managed to escape to the country? People say this to me all the time. They're like, they never buy the house. They do, they do. My first episode I ever presented, they bought one of the houses. Did they? Yeah, that was four years ago. Do you see the houses in advance? Do you recce them? No, I see them on the day. So you're walking around and you're basically trying to figure it out as you're walking around.

28:41So I get shown around by either the owners or the researchers and they'll show me around and they'll, you know, they'll have given me the details of the house the day before to kind of brush up on. And then I walk around going, I found you. I find mad about it because I watch Place in the Sun as well and Escape to the Country. Don't say that to her. That's like interviewing Blur and saying, can I ask you about this Oasis album? Very similar types of show. Now, but the people doing it, like, have you got experience in estate agents? It's just normally just a presenter. It's like Richie Anderson's just started on Escape to the Country.

29:10Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, he's destroyed. Yeah, exactly. I think, now, because people always say to me, how did you get a job on Escape to the Country? I've got the best disabled agent. There is. Exactly. I don't really know. I think it's because I like talking to people. quite chatty love houses I've spent a lot of time on Rightmove guys yeah I'm just saying thousands of hours of training can I ask another question about escape to the country please do there's a bit in it I'm not saying that they're filling time but I love the bit where you go and look around the houses and then there'll be a bit where they go to get to know the area why don't we go Morris dancing or something why is that there oh I love that bit though do you yeah no I do are you involved in that bit yeah a lot of the time I've been bell ringing like you know in Bath Abbey I've been on a yacht like a two million pound yacht they let me drive it or sail it what do you do with a yacht you sail it sail it yeah I wasn't going very fast but they still let me know well I suppose drive sail implies I suppose a sail yeah there was one of those but you were steering an engine yeah steering the big no you're not steering an engine it was a sailboat steering a rudder an udder a rudder not an udder I definitely wasn't steering an udder no they did make me get in a wetsuit this series which on camera can I ask a question actually getting into it oh no that would be really bad I draw the line I'll be in it but I'm not getting into it.

30:22Can I ask you about your disability? Please do. You're kind of an honorary disabled person, aren't you? I am an honorary. I'm disabled. I've got a learning difficulty. Disability. Desexy is a learning disability. It's not the same as a physical disability but if anything, I should be on last egg more than Josh. You really want his job, don't you? Yeah. It doesn't pay enough for Rob.

30:42Josh Widdicombe:Not Friday night. So it's not genetic so there's no thought that it'll be passed on? No, I did ask that when I got pregnant with Nora. Like, is there any chance? No, it's just a freak thing that happened. Right. Not that I'm calling myself a freak. Yeah, and if either of us had said that, that would have been the end. That would have been the end, wouldn't it? And cancelled. I'm not even willing to do a topper on, I'm just letting that float in the air. She's not going to touch it, are you? Well, the thing is, you're very like, you remind me of Alex Brooker in the way of sort of like, carry on, carry on.

31:14No, let me finish. Having sort of a totally just fun, carefree approach where some people, it will define them in every way where they'll come in and talk and it's whereas for you it's just like I'm Bryony oh yeah I've got that the same way as like I've got blonde hair or blue eyes it's just a part of me and you plough on is that something you've always been like that or did you learn to do that because obviously at school kids will look and say stuff and how did that start because I think it's a really refreshing and inspiring approach to life

31:39Josh Widdicombe:it is refreshing if you don't watch the last live I've got to say when I met Alex we did get on really well because we've got the similar we've got very similar well he has a thing called Little Hand Club. Does he? If he meets people, yeah. Is there a WhatsApp group? No, he starts... If there is, I'm going to be living and he's not inviting me. He started it more recently than that. A running thing where he'd meet people with the same hands and say they're part of Little Hand. You'd be... I'll be part of the Little Hand Club. Amazing. Yeah, I've always laughed about it. I grew up with two brothers.

32:07Yeah. I didn't really have much choice. But also, I've had the same sort of friends since I was about two or three. Yeah. So growing up, we would just always joke and laugh about it and my mum's always sort of helped me have a sense of humour about it. That's just how I am. And I think that's how I went into Bake Off as well because they never actually mentioned it on Bake Off which really annoyed a lot of people. They were like, what happened to the hand? If I'm brutally honest, I don't watch Bake Off even though I did meet you on it. Even though you did on Extra Slice? Yeah. I'll watch an episode for money.

32:33Oh, okay. So I met you on there but you've been voted out but at that point when you're the guest you don't really talk much because it's your moment because you need to talk about your experiences. We just sort of sit there nodding and go, yeah, okay, right. That kind of thing. and then when you come in and then you spoke about it but then like I didn't really know until you brought it up yeah a lot of people don't

32:49Josh Widdicombe:did they film a bit where they asked you and it got cut no I didn't want it I just said they said how do you want to go about it and I said I just don't want to talk about it I just want to be in there with everyone else they were like do you want any extra help quite bad the last five minutes we've done then well you've done I think I've been excellent oh no I do love talking about it I love talking about it you said freaking nodded yeah I didn't what's out on the cameras neutral neutral yeah I'm dead behind the eyes one of the 30 % one of the 30 % teachers so let's talk about your podcast because you have for someone who didn't want to get into showbiz and you're in showbiz now I am this is showbiz this is lovely there's a glitter ball in here and everything this is fucking showbiz mate you absolutely have an ability to be exciting and interesting in conversation that we've interviewed people who are in showbiz who've got podcasts that I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to listen to them.

33:41Josh Widdicombe:No, no. Tell us about your podcast. So it's me and two of my besties. From Bristol? Yeah. Oh, big Brizzy. Big Brizzy. You don't sound very Bristolian. No, when I was growing up, my mum was like, you will not have a Bristolian accent. You're not allowed to be that Bristolian on the telly. They do tend to calm it down. You are, you are. Yeah. I can go more Bristol for you if you want to. Do you go more Bristol with your mates? When I used to drink, I would go very Bristol. Yeah. And yeah, definitely. When I'm talking to Charlie and Vicks on the podcast, the Bristolian comes out a little. Give us the title.

34:09Josh Widdicombe:Give us the title. It's called I'm Not Judging But, and it's just about our chaotic lives. But we've all got daughters, so we talk about them. Yeah, I've known Charlie since I was four. Ah, so it's proper friends. And Vicks for like 15 years. Yeah, we've known each other. That's great, because there's some podcasts I've seen where you go, I don't even believe those two people get on. No, they're TV shows where they pretend they're all mates to do it. Yeah, so it's great. I love it. I love it. I love being able to like chat with my two besties every week. We have a real giggle, but also like talk about serious stuff as well.

34:37We've all got daughters. yeah it's quite hard navigating that as i'm sure you both know yeah yes how much how much do you

34:45Josh Widdicombe:like to talk about your daughter or not talk about your daughter in that situation i will talk about her but i am in the back of my mind thinking if she hears this in a few years time how's she gonna feel because she's 10 now so she's starting to get that she's starting to feel a little bit self-conscious i'm according to her very cringe yeah i said to her are we gonna watch the new this bake-off with me on? She went, do I have to? She's like, why? Why not? She went, it's a bit cringe. I was like, oh, wow, okay. Did you watch the whole series together with her? When I went out, she was only two.

35:14Josh Widdicombe:Has she gone back to watch your series? No, too cringe, Josh. Don't want to watch it. Obviously, I know you're on series nine, and that's indelibly remembered. Sure. But just for the listeners that don't remember, how far did you get? Were you a journalist in a previous life? I was great. Or a politician. I was. Yeah. Semi-finals. Semi-finals. Thank you. Oh, come on. Did he just whisper that to you? No, he was on your exit episode. Oh, yeah, you were. Yes. You told me in there. That's annoying. Who won? Little Raul. Oh, yeah. Really kind of nervous. Oh, I think you should have won. Am I allowed to say that?

35:48Yeah, sure. What's Little Raul up to now? He's just had a baby. Oh. He's a nuclear physicist. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although I would be really scared to see him treating some kind of nuclear bomb because I, in the morning, on the way in on the Baker's bus, I used to have to clean his glasses because he like just...

36:04Josh Widdicombe:You should have left him dirty. Oh yeah, damn it. How much did you care? I was ready to go when I went. I thought I'd go out the first episode. So the fact that I got as far as I did because there were a few weeks where I should have gone home probably, but didn't. And I mean, I served them raw pastry and I put salt instead of sugar in the pastry as well. So I think really if I hadn't gone home, it would have been a bit... Did you get a handshake? No. Rob. Such an ableist prick, Paul Hollywood. Didn't give me a handshake. If he went for one, you should have given him the left just to see him panic.

36:35You'd have been well awkward. Well awkward. No, I didn't get a hug, though. The first time I met Alex Brooker, I was nervous about shaking his hand.

36:43Josh Widdicombe:I said the handshake because Paul, the whole handshake. No, I know, I know, I know. I was going for basic hand stuff. No, I know. The first time I met Alex Brooker, I was genuinely worried about, it's an interesting kind of situation. And he kind of takes the ball by the horns if he meets people and tries to kind of just gnaw. Yeah, he will. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And I think that's, it's kind of almost what you have to do in a lot of situations just because otherwise it gets awkward and everyone feels uncomfortable. I tend to just talk about it, make a joke about it. Like I did this talk at this school yesterday and it was a load of like, they were teenagers, they were in sick form.

37:16But I was like, right everyone, can we talk about disability today? This is my hand, take a look. Everybody having a look? Yeah, okay, good. And when I was a teacher at the beginning of every year, I'd go into every class and go, right, this is what happens with my hand. Please feel free to look and stare, ask any questions you want in this first lesson. Nothing's too stupid. And then after that, I don't want to hear about it. Don't want to see anyone staring. Let's move on with the lights. And it kind of gave them the freedom to be like, oh, okay, I can be a bit.

37:38Josh Widdicombe:And what kind of questions would you get? How did it happen? Yeah. So I'd be like, you can tell people it was a shark attack, but it wasn't. It was really boring. Small womb. Yeah, small womb. Yeah. The old small womb. The brachydactyly. What other questions would I get? Does it hurt? Will your fingers ever grow? That's a bit stupid. Of course it's not going to grow. No questions too stupid.

37:59Josh Widdicombe:That's a bit stupid. I said it in my head, though. Didn't say it. Yeah, yeah. Now, Rob, it's time for a special part of the show called Money MOT, and it's brought to you by Monzo. Oh, MOT me. You can't have failed to notice, Rob. It's spring. It is the time when people are getting their house in order. Yeah, spring is sprung. Spring is sprung. Daffodils in the supermarket. Exactly. And everyone, physically and metaphorically, is turning over a new leaf. What a good time to really think about your financial intentions. Yes. spring clean your house and your piggy bank and also managing money is never easy but it's not a laugh either is it and you learn over time it's always tough the amount of tough mad decisions i've made i remember when i started in comedy and like i just had no money yeah i remember going to a gig in the west country from london via birmingham to save money on the trains like i was just adding hours onto my journey to save 20 quid because i needed to i remember getting one train that was 20 quid but got me to Wrexham at like midday for a 9pm gig just because I would save like 30 quid because you were constantly chasing and trying to save and trying to exist.

39:10So I used to drive but me and my brother shared a car and then no one wanted to put petrol in it that they wouldn't use. So we'd leave it by a train station and we'd like, we'd both have a key and I'd be like, oh I need the car from Thursday. My brother would be like, oh I'll leave it in the parking space that we used to put it in and then I'd get it and it'd be off the red. and I'd immediately have to go but then I wouldn't want to put like 40 quid in one I didn't have it two I don't want to leave 20 quid in there for him because he just used it to zero and the thing that when I think about it for too long it actually panics me I remember when I was skint because I was out in the evenings you can't afford to go and eat in a restaurant every night I used to get the one pound sushi from a supermarket and it was like and it didn't even have any sort of fish in it it was just like cucumber but you can't eat out every night if you're a struggling comedian

39:54Josh Widdicombe:I remember getting the cheaper bus and I got it to save a tenner and then we broke down. I vividly remember being stood on the other side of the barrier on the M1 up to Sheffield and I saw the more expensive bus go past. I saw the bus I could have got. You should have invested in your future. But Rob, thankfully our listeners don't need to sink as low as we did with the£1 sushi. With a Monzo bank account you can manage your money in loads of different ways. So you can have pots, loads of different pots. That's really useful. You could put different amounts in different pots. Do you know what? I used to just never know how much tax I had to come out, all of that kind of stuff.

40:33When I first started banking, it was like you had your current account or savings account. It wasn't easy just to create a pot. Simple, Rob. It's absolutely simple. Five-side football pot.

40:42Josh Widdicombe:Put your money in there. £6.80 a week. Totally. And there's other things like salary sorter, where the moment your salary arrives in your Monzo bank account, it'll just sort it out between bills, between rent and then... Extracurricular activities. Treats, Rob. Treats! Or, if you love buying pots, have a pot for pots. Have a pot pot. What's that pot for? Pots, actually. Don't even need to rename it. Yeah, exactly. It's a pot pot. All of that, Rob, is within the main Monzo account. Monzo, download your new favourite bank. To apply for a Monzo current account, you must be 16 plus and a UK resident.

41:15Josh Widdicombe:T's and C's apply.

41:20Your daughter thinks you're cringe, right? Now, my daughter's 10, just turned 10. so we're heading towards that stage because at the moment she's still quite love you daddy kind of like what do you do with her like to chill out or is everything you suggest like no mum I don't want to do that is she getting into that tween age or age not yet she hasn't got to that bit yet but I can feel it coming it's approaching she's starting to spend a little bit more time wanting to sit by herself watching a bit of TV or you know like spend some time in her room she loves going shopping I've trained her well she loves charity shopping as well which I'm a big fan of and just generally sort of going shopping going for a coffee ah okay so I've quite grown up yeah Yeah.

41:55Like she's just not into sort of playing anymore. So did she ask for Christmas? It is hard. She asked for Lego. Yeah. Stitch Lego. Phone. Has she got a phone? No. So that's a slightly contentious. So what are you thinking? No, not until at least like year seven or eight. Yeah. The good thing is, is Nora's school, everyone in the year has decided that they're not going to give their kids phones. That's great. Until year seven. I think that's the early issue because they've got to get to and from school and buses and stuff. We got her a Nokia that you can play Snake on in case she's going over to a mate's house.

42:26Yeah, we were thinking about that. We called it the family phone. Like, she's not allowed to just have it. Like, we have it. We'll only give it to her when she goes out. If she's going off with friends, yeah. Yeah. So if she's off at, like, up at the shopping centre and she goes off to a couple of different shops, she can take that with her. And ring you whenever. Yeah. So she's got my number, Steve's number, and my mum's. It was, like, 20 quid on Amazon at Nokia. Yeah. So that seems to work quite well.

42:45Josh Widdicombe:Does she, like, escape to the country? No. any time I'm even slightly on the telly, she's like, I don't want to watch this. Like she really doesn't. Have you done anything where you've done it for her? Like any CBBs or CBBC? I did Blue Peter. Oh, you did Blue Peter, of course. Early doors that I got to say there. Here's one I made earlier. Have you got a badge? I stole one from the dressing room. Did you? Does it still get you into places? I think you have to be under 16 and have a little card or something that goes with it. So I just stole the badge. I was like, I want one. I'm not going to be invited back now.

43:16Josh Widdicombe:Well, it does feel like it was about 10 years ago they invited you on anyway. Yeah, it was. They haven't invited me back anyway. So I do certain things like she loves Strictly, absolutely loves Strictly. So I've managed to find out trying to get an invite to the kids can go and watch it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been to that. So I've managed to sort that out for this year. No, that's good. You've done Strictly. No, I'd love to though. I think you'd be good on Strictly. Do you think you'd talk me through how you think you'd do? I don't know. I've got rhythm. Okay. Show us. We've got some drums over there.

43:50Josh Widdicombe:You first. You first. You did the Christmas one, didn't you? Yeah. What was it like? It was absolutely brilliant. I don't think I could do the full one. Is it hard work? I feel like it's quite physical. I lost an incredible amount of weight. Maybe I will too. He keeps saying this. He did it for about a week and a half. And he goes, I've got in such great shape. He literally danced for like eight days in a row. And he's like, I just feel like I'm just so ripped. Honestly, I couldn't believe it. I was like, absolute bollocks. I couldn't believe it. How much weight did you lose? Well, I didn't weigh myself, but my body shape changed.

44:19Josh Widdicombe:I don't want to go back to the Chippendales again. I think it's psychosomatic. I don't think that happened. And get this, it's better. You're not allowed to say this on the show because obviously... But I slept. No, I... Strictly cursed. You're not allowed to say this on the show. You eat whatever you want. Michael, is it just me? He trained for about a week. I know. And there's no way that he was that ripped. I was. I saw you everywhere. There's no difference. I looked so good. honestly I was topless 24-7 I didn't trust him in a massive fucking penguin costume yeah because the country couldn't deal with my ripped out Josh how long did you actually train for yeah like a month that's two weeks do it I'd love to do it we're going to have to ask Rose if your body changed to two weeks wish she would know you're sleeping on the floor in your pajamas so you'd love to do that I'd love to do it yeah I've done it takes two for the last couple of years maybe you'd be the new host yeah well this is it Actually, I'm here as some exclusive guys.

45:16It just looks really fun. I think it'd be physically quite, obviously. I mean, you know. Oh, yeah, after that, then. Quite exhausting. I'm chipping down, so.

45:23Josh Widdicombe:Honestly, I'd have a pizza every night, and I was still losing weight. He's drawn up to it, Mike. He's not. You were in there. We were doing it on Zoom. Oh. You and Karen. Me and Karen. No. From the shoulders down, though. On what shoulders? What shoulders they were, because I was having to do lifts. She was lifting you, wasn't she? Thank you very much. Sorry. He talks about this incredible show. I've never seen any photographing evidence. It never happened in the Zooms. I don't know what was going on. Your face showed no difference. It did. Had a jaw like him. Can you get the before and afters?

45:57Snatched, weren't you, on the jaw?

45:58Josh Widdicombe:Did you take some topless photos of yourself? No, I didn't know. You did, did you? You don't need to when you're looking that good. Fair enough. You don't need the reassurance. I think that's the only show that Nora would be like, it's not cringe because it's strictly, although unless I fucked up massively. Yeah, would you feel a pressure there? Because she might be going, oh god you're gonna all her little mates watch it as well that's the problem oh yeah would you do Celeb Traitors yeah that was one cool thing I did we went to a ball and two of the traitors were there and Nora was so starstruck oh which two I went come on go and say hi Mina and Charlotte from last year oh yeah yeah and she was so excited to meet them and I've never literally her face she was beaming what was Charlotte like I loved Charlotte she was exactly like she was unfairly done by that card isn't the Celeb one just much better than the normal one no the normal one's incredible it's so good yeah it's on at the minute it's just because And then you're like, oh, it's only the celeb one that's good.

46:45No, I watched the first series of tracks, but I find sometimes it comes out too quick and then they reveal half of it on social media.

46:51Josh Widdicombe:It's because Rob doesn't like the man in the street. He's only interested if that person's Sir Stephen Fry. If it's not David Olasugu, I'm not interested. That's what Rob says. I'm a massive fan of his, aren't I? Always fucking supering up his content. Honestly, every morning, Rob will say to me, have you seen David Olasugu's TikTok? Oh, shut up. David, David, I'm on the phone with him. I couldn't go on that show with him I couldn't be a traitor to that guy one of my best pals we haven't spoken enough about your kids on your podcast but that's always the way let's talk more about your podcast oh yes please how many times a week is it on we record it once a week do you do it together yeah I know no we do it online at the moment yeah it's called I'm Not Judging But come on move into the 21st century yeah we've been filming ow I just hit my hand on the mic it's easier at home yeah you didn't have to get on the train do you find because you've got you know a job that takes you to various unbuyable houses in the country they're very viable and also you've got like a 10 year old yes do you find this is a good way of catching up with your mates when you wouldn't get to do it i love it it's technically it's work and we're like yeah it's great we just get to sit and chat for an hour but then do you feel like you can't talk to them in the six days if something happens because you need to save it kind of yeah i mean we're always on WhatsApp like sending stupid voices we just talk about shit but do you think I should not send that because I've got to save it for the pod no I just send it and then go should we use that in the pod yeah right but then but then don't you feel like you're it's exciting to hear them to hear it from you the first time on the pod isn't it because we've got a rule that we don't talk to each other about that kind of stuff oh well maybe we should start doing that I mean you're clearly doing very well oh yeah look at us but yeah no because we do that because before recording if like rather than go oh god I've had a nightmare this morning we'll say shut up and then it'll be like we'll just talk about normally Man United being shit because Michael Sports Man United and then we know that we'd never talk about that on the pod To be honest with you with our voice notes it's just all about menopause The voice note situation Lou is on voice notes all the time and they're minutes and minutes long It's non-stop How can you possibly have that much to say to your mate?

48:58Do you have a day Lou went for a walk with her mates right at 9am I did the school run come back and then her mates were sat in the kitchen chatting to her at 12 and then she was like oh I've got to go I'm going to get my nails done with Vicky. That was at one. I was like, you've done five-hour shifts nearly with this friend. And then that night, which one was just telling you, she was like, how could you possibly have anything else to say to that woman? It never runs out. It doesn't. It's so different though, like boys and girls. Men don't speak. No. My husband went out with his mates, came back and he was like, oh, so-and-so and so-and-so have broken up.

49:29They're getting a divorce. I went, oh no, what happened? I don't know. So what do you mean he's one of your best mates? He was like, well, I don't know. I was like, when did it happen? I don't know.

49:37Josh Widdicombe:He's just divorced now. They're just getting divorced. Also, they're getting a divorce. That's so far down the track. Yeah. To have finally found that out. Like, that's been going on at least a year. It's just bad, but, like, when you find out, like, not a close friend, but, like, someone in your circles getting a divorce. And an acquaintance. Yeah, yeah, it's quite fun. I quite like the drama. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally agree. Totally. Obviously, I don't wish that on anyone if there's kids involved. No, of course not. But my ideal scenario is people you don't actually like that much know kids.

50:03Yeah. You can really get into it. Yeah, really get into it, yeah.

50:05Josh Widdicombe:Or like a couple at school that you're not that, no, don't know that well. And especially if you've predicted it a few years before. How's your marriage? I mean, we don't really see each other, so it's great. Yeah, perfect. Perfect. How many houses in the country are you doing a year? How many have you bought, by the way, in the countryside? I used to live in Bristol. I'd love to live in the country. Would you? I see so many houses, I'm like, Bristol's not the country. The best way to move to the country. Not everything outside of London is in the countryside. So what is Bristol? It's a city. It's a major city.

50:34A major? It is, isn't it? Yeah. Half a million people in Bristol? Yeah. And London's got nine million. Nine people. Nine million. Yeah, that's fine. It's just hard when you're from London. It feels quite laid back and countryside-y. Clifton's nice. Clifton's lovely. Is that a town? No. No, it's part of Bristol. It's part of Bristol. It's an area in Bristol. Right, Islington's a part of London. Like Richmond, yeah. Oh, I like Clifton. Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla? Smooth caramel, maybe. or white chocolate mocha.

51:05Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa.

51:16Josh Widdicombe:Whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk.

51:41Josh Widdicombe:Can I ask you to name the other places in Britain that qualifies a city other than London? Okay, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Newcastle. Actually, a lot. Bristol's probably similar. Okay, Leeds. Okay, you can have Bristol. Can I? Oh, Leeds and Cardiff, yeah. Edinburgh and Glasgow? Yeah, those two count. And then we're done, aren't we? Yeah. That's it. is there? That's it. Like Truro. Fuck off. Do you know what I mean? It is a city. Someone ringing a bell saying you want a pasty. What is this? A cliche. Have you ever been to Truro? Yeah. And that happened. I was doing Truro Hall for Cornwall.

52:18I don't think it's fair to compare Bristol to Truro though. No. What about Truro? I know I love Truro. Oh, it doesn't sound like it. Oh, you wait till you're escaping there. Oh God, I'm going to get lynched.

52:26Josh Widdicombe:How far do you escape? All around the country? All around the country, yeah. All over. North Yorkshire I've been to quite a few times. Yeah. Like it up there. Anglesey. Yorkshire City. Have you done Devon? Devon, done Dorset. Cornwall, went down to Beaud. That was nice. Oh, yeah. Give it up. Kent, down to Margateway. No. And how often do you escape? They're normally escaping from there, aren't they? You don't need to name names. How often do you think this couple's not going to last? The reason you're leaving the city is a fundamental issue within the relationship. I couldn't possibly comment.

52:53Josh Widdicombe:A new house on location will not save you from each other. Get a divorce. Don't waste the stamp duty. I'll tell you after. genuinely we've covered so much have you got any questions for us no I love it okay I'll do the final question then final question your husband are you married yes I wouldn't be judging either way I'm not judging but I'm too 30 now sorry yeah he turns away for one second I can't wait to put a ring on you and then he panics I just thought if we had an affair my place in the last leg might be a bit more secure it would actually but also you can't really tell that I'm married because of course.

53:30So proposal, was it always a given that you were just going to go on that finger? No. So just to be clear,

53:36Josh Widdicombe:there's the left hand where you've got one thumb. Yes. Is that how thick you've got to be to not understand that's what we were talking about? You said spell it out for the... What if some of her thick French set are listening? Sorry. Isquadero? Is that left? Oh, izquierda. Yeah, there we go. Why are you so good at languages? Did you travel a lot? My mum speaks fluent French. She lived in Algeria for two years. Algeria? That's cool. A Nepo baby.

54:06Actually, I think you'll find us a Nepo baby. Oh, yeah.

54:09Josh Widdicombe:A baby. So you're married? So I am married, yes. No. One thing about your husband that, as a father, blows you away. You go, that's the reason I'm with him. And one thing that's an annoying thing he does that you haven't mentioned, but if you were to listen to this, it's a way for him to find out. Okay. one thing he does amazingly ever since I started going away for work which started off on Bake Off so the first weekend I went to Bake Off Nora got chicken pox I left my bag on the train with our keys and my license in so I have my address and some exam papers and I had to call him up and be like I know you're looking after our daughter with chicken pox but can you also get the locks changed please and ever since then whenever I've been away he has been just the most spectacular supportive dad and husband like he never makes me feel bad about being away he always makes sure Nora's alright So yeah, he does that beautifully.

54:56Josh Widdicombe:Even though they never take the house when you're away. They never agree to move to the country. Where's mummy not selling a house in the country again? We need to plant that seed a little bit more. And the thing that is starting to show is that Steve is incredibly logical. It's his software engineer brain. And Nora has also got a very logical side. And they've started to butt heads. Oh, I thought they were ganging up on you. No, they've started to butt heads. Because you seem quite illogical. I am so illogical. I think we all know this has been an absolute nightmare. Yeah. Very emotional. I don't want to edit this.

55:28No. Old logical Michael rocking back and forth over there.

55:34Josh Widdicombe:Where are the cut points? At least when we were doing it from home, you could edit people out. This has been an absolute shock. I'll just go in with you cunts for it.

55:46Josh Widdicombe:So they're logical and I'm not, and I just sit there and just watch them, but heads against each other and just want to go. What kind of subjects? Could be anything. like they just really pick at each other right that just really annoys me because I'm just like oh guys don't give a shit like does it really matter no no you want illogical I host a show where we spend thousands of pounds not buying a house sometimes they buy a house they do buy the house they do buy the house if they bring that up I host celebs go dating not one couple has been successful and also you're on a show about disability where's the disability I'm fine fine you able bodied wanker if we're throwing stones here yeah I'm not going to add that.

56:23Josh Widdicombe:It was a joke. I could have done that. Go on, do it. Go on, do it. Go on, Ricky Gervais. Go on, bad man. Go on, Ricky Gervais. Go on, Chappelle. It's been lovely to have you on the show. What's the podcast again? I'm not judging, but... Thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having me, guys. Absolutely. Thanks, Rhiannon. Thanks, guys.

56:49Josh Widdicombe:Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes. it's Josh Whittacombe here.

56:56Josh Widdicombe:I have got a new podcast, Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture. And I'm going to say it, I'm about 85 % sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things let's be honest, boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

57:34Josh Widdicombe:See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby. When Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real. When a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are, and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

58:11Josh Widdicombe:Stiff necks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Widdicombe. Available everywhere on the 1st of January.