S12 EP35: Faithful... or Traitor?

0:00I sold my car in Carvana last night. Well, that's cool. No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer, down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong. So, what's the problem? That is the problem. Nothing in my life goes to smoothie. I'm waiting for the catch. Maybe there's no catch. That's exactly what a catch would want me to think. Wow, you need to relax. I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood? I think it's laminate. Okay, yeah, that's good. That's close enough. Car selling without a catch. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

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1:10It's a tasty way to reclaim those family moments. There's kind on the wallet too. Oh, Rob, also, you get the after school meltdowns, don't you? Oh, they're hungry, they're tired, one wants to sit in the front, one wants to choose the music. Or, oh, you've brought the wrong snack, or you get home and they want to watch different things on TV. Josh, when the kids come out of school and they just throw their bags at you, say I'm hungry, arguing with each other about who sits where in the car. Oh, my word. It's full on. Couldn't agree more, Rob. And do you know what? When you find yourself in that situation, in my experience, there's no 330 meltdown that can't be calmed with a£5 serving of dough balls.

1:50For more info about what's included and how to redeem, visit PizzaExpress.com. Terms apply. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Imogen, can you say Josh Wendekum? Can you say... Get out my room! Rob Beckett. No. Just stop. Just say. Rob Beckett. And Josh Wendekum. Josh Wendekum. Brilliant. I'll come to us one day. She got your name wrong at the start, but I think she was stressed because she was obviously asking a teenager. So this is my 16-year-old daughter, OG listeners, and originally from Kent. Ooh. I also qualify for your long-time school runners, Kent, Dubai, Singapore, and currently Johannesburg, or as I call it, Joburg, with daughters aged 16, 23, and 30, and a grandchild on the way.

2:46She's nowhere near the longest school run. No, I know, I know. I mean, it's a long stint, but this is what's awful about it. like that, that is a horrendously long school run. But what we've discovered is it's unremarkable. It is unremarkable. But it is insane and it's dominated a life for 20 years. But the sad thing is there's people out there doing it for 40. Well, I was at the school sports day. Well, not school sports day, school cross country. Was you there as the sort of, you know, the patron of the cross country duty or running? I was just offering tips. Right. What was your tip? Just keep going.

3:22Just keep going. Okay, cool. Keep going. Feel the burn and love it. Stop it if you want. Not judging by your lifestyle, Rob. No. It's fucking back to back to back. I am. You need to listen to your own advice, mate. The king of the hypocritical. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hypocritical buffer, man. No buffer for me today. Never give up. I absolutely love listening to your podcast. I want to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. Every stage brings a new challenge. More expense for amazing memories. Lovely. Rob. Yeah. I was at school sports day and one of my friends. Cross country. Cross country, sorry.

4:00Her daughter's in my daughter's year, but her sister was also running in a higher year. What? Not the daughter's sister, the mum's sister. The mum's sister was also running in the kids cross country. What age? I must be a few years above. Let me get straight. Your daughter's class, she's got a friend, and that friend's mum was talking to you. and she said that her daughter's running in your daughter's class, but also her sister was running in the school as well. Yeah. That is a long one. My older brother's in his 60s. So that's a 20-year gap. Well, there you go. There you go. There you go. It's a classic remarried older dad second time round scenario.

4:40Exactly. Exactly. Now, we haven't spoken in a while, and we are both in the middle of something mental. Yeah, we both get. In terms of the diary. Yeah. Let's just go head to head on who's living the least buffer lifestyle. Well, no, my week wasn't that no buffer, but I was in China for the whole week. Okay, yeah, yeah, fine. But no, today's been no buffer. I went to China for a week with Romesh, Hong Kong then China. So, but Lou's been home with the kids, obviously, and she's had a...

5:15So, she's had a very busy week with work. So my diary calms down a lot from July, August time to the point where I've got nothing in. So like, if anything, too much buffer. It's all buffer. It's basically just buffer. I'm buffering for months. My second half of the year is very different from my first, but my first is insane. Yeah. And so it'll calm down again. We'll be doing more parenting and stuff like that. But Lou's obviously gone back to work. Her book's been a big success. So she's doing lots more other work. She's been invited to be a judge for the Book Awards. So she was doing that this week.

5:45So that was quite big and a lot for her to do. She had to read all these books. So it's a lot of time consuming. Then she had to go in and do all the stuff, which is fine. Obviously, it's just part of her job. But obviously, she was solo parenting. And then also within this week, our lights kept flickering. Electrics kept flickering in the house. So I'm in China, not being able to sleep at like 3 a.m. And then she said, I don't know what's going on. So she was going to be stressed and worried. And then, so I messaged the electrician, big up Ryan. Ryan, I said, can you speak to Lou? Lou didn't have his number.

6:18So she rung him and he said, it should be fine, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's not going to be dangerous because the way it's been wired. I can come tomorrow if they're still flickering. So he came around the next day and then he said, all of your stuff's fine. It's from the main power station or whatever. So there's a problem on the cable that comes from the power. I don't understand these words, but I'm saying. Someone said substation. I don't know if that's what they're talking about, but I've clung on to that. In my head, the cable from the substation to the house is damaged, needs replacing.

6:48They've come around to replace it. They don't know where it is. No one, apparently, again, look, allegedly, this is what I've heard through Lou on WhatsApp. Apparently, no one filed where they put the cable in the office. Right. So they've just been digging holes trying to find a cable that's not working whilst we've got a poltergeist in the house. So that's been going on. So at the moment, the entire house is covered by holes. And they're having to dig into like the neighbours' gardens. What? I know it's not our fault, but you know, you feel a bit like, oh God. What? Just for one wire? Yeah, I don't know.

7:23But anyway, so I think they found it now. How can't they just follow the wire? Josh, I don't. Obviously, they've thought of that. I'm fully aware I can't come up with the ideas that they're going to go, wait a minute, that's a better idea than we've come up with. Josh, this has been happening with me in China, and I landed at 6 a.m. this morning. I was going home, but then there was a drama at home because we can't open a certain door because it's full of builders digging holes. Lou let the dogs out of another door. One of the dogs jumped about three fences and ended up in a field full of horses.

7:55Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Country living. So Lou's been trying to get a dog out, trying to get the dog out of the horse field. I'm messenger. I mean, the messages she sent me this morning. I mean, you can't do anything, but it was cracking me up. She sent me a load of photos of holes going, it doesn't look too bad, actually, and it looks horrendous. It looks like trenches for an invasion. That's what it looks like. Right, okay, yeah. And then she said, anyway, I said I should be back at 7.50, and then she said, Georgia's got into the horse field. I can't get him back for fuck's sake. Kill me, kill me.

8:27Do you know what I always think about texts like that? We've all sent them, we've all received them, yeah? When you receive one, I often think, I don't know whether this text, this is the, I don't, I didn't focus on the job with the dog there. I don't think you need to be sending this text. I mean, I didn't know what to say. I never reply that. I never reply that. I always reply. I'm so sorry. Yeah. What the fuck do you want me to do? I'm just so sorry. I'm so sorry. I said, oh no, how? Like, sort of trying to call it. And then I said, I'm so sorry, Lou. What else can you do? What else can you do except I'm so sorry?

9:04So I'm so sorry. And then anyway, so then I go, yeah, so then basically I say, I'll be back in time to do the school run. Let me do the school run. So then I got back and then I got caught in standstill traffic, so I was late. So then I got them, done the school run, dropped them off, come here, got here 10 minutes ago, now recording now. So we started recording at 9.30 a.m. I landed at 6.00. How jet lagged are you? I feel okay at the moment because I slept a bit. What's the time in China? Hong Kong. That sounds like one of them, a phrase, isn't it? Like more tea vicar, new shoes vicar. What's the timing?

9:42The timing in Hong Kong, comma China, because it's not actually China, is like three in the afternoon. So I feel all right. I'll just be a bit bemissed tonight. So I'm a bit, just a little bit of a, I plan on having a shower. You just got pushed through to like 9pm. When was the last time you washed? I've been in these clothes for 36 hours. And I'd say it's just 37 hours ago I washed. Including sleeping in them. Yeah, on the plane, yeah. I've been in on the plane. But actually, I've changed this top though. My top's new. I've grabbed a new top from the office. I'm wearing a football shirt. Yeah.

10:13Ronaldinho from the World Cup. He lobbed Seaman. Oh, come on. 2006. Come on. No, he did actually lob Seaman in that World Cup. Was that 2002? No, Ronaldinho probably lobbed some Seaman in 2006 as well. But yeah. Hey, here we go. He can't resist. He can't resist the joke. He can't resist it. It's a curse. So, yeah, that's – yeah, it's quite far, China. Yeah. It's really far. Do you want to feel better about yourself, Rob? Go on. I'm going to take you through the last week of my life and the next two weeks of my life. Okay. I am finishing my tour. I've got 12 left, Rob, at the time of recording.

10:51Can I also, before you start this, can I say to listeners, very much aware that we haven't done that much parenting at the moment, but that's just how our diaries have fallen. The plan is to do a lot more parenting as they go on. When we're moaning as well, we are also very aware how lucky and privileged we are to do these jobs. We're so lucky because we love all of these jobs. We love these jobs. And, you know, so we are moaning in a fun way. But like deep down, we're very much aware of how lucky we are to get to do this and the sort of nice things it brings to our life. So, you know, it's take it all with a pinch of salt.

11:20I'm going to take you through, Rob. Yeah. From the last time I saw you. Okay. Which is the 17th of April. This is the last time I recorded. What days is now? 27. This is the last 10 days of my life, okay? Yep. Record Parenting Hell 8am till 10am. No, till 9am. Then I had a meeting on Zoom from 9.30 till 10.30, which overran to 11. You can't do this for the next four weeks, every day, hour by hour. This is going to blow your mind. I'm just going to fly you through it. No, don't worry. Then train to Derby to get the car to Grimsby. Go to Grimsby. Train to Derby to get the car to Grimsby. Because it was quicker than getting the train from, yeah.

12:07Because otherwise it would have been a six and a half hour train across the country. Do the gig in Grimsby. Drive to the Lowry Hotel in Manchester, which is incredibly busy because it's marathon weekend and Man City versus Arsenal. Do the park run in the morning. Overtake someone. My phone comes out of my pocket. Smash my phone. Have to go to the Arndale Centre to get a new screen on my phone. go for a walk around manchester get caught in a far right versus anti-fascist uh riot stroke rally thing and have to get away from that and you went to stoke went to stoke you jump on the coach back from the rally

12:46went to stoke came back um and then i went and this was quite fun the guy i'd met there was a guy in the audience who worked on Match of the Day. So on the Sunday, Rob, he asked me whether I wanted to come in and sit and watch Everton versus Liverpool with the pundits. Oh, that's fun. So I watched Everton versus Liverpool with Wayne Rooney and Danny Murphy. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, that was cool. What were they like? They were nice. I mean, they were quite serious and taking the game seriously, so I felt like actually... Were they making notes? Yeah. Salford. Drive back from Salford to Bristol.

13:24Record some voiceover in Bristol. Come back. Take the cats to their vaccinations. Parent in the evening. Parent in the evening? Parent in the evening. The next day, tour show Plymouth. Then straight on the train, 7.52 the next day. Straight up to London to have a meeting. Then into a corporate. Then stay in a hotel in London. Then fly to Belfast. Doing a Radio 2 briefing chat in the departure lounge. What are you doing in Belfast? Tour show. Right. Then I've got another meeting on the Friday, which means I have to fly back from Belfast early for this meeting, have the meeting, then get the train to Brighton, do the tour show in Brighton, get the car back to London because I've got Radio 2 covering for Romesh in the morning, then get the train to Oxford, go into my room, try and sleep, but I'm too manic to get to sleep, so just lie and listen to the second half of the football, sweating on a sofa, do the gig in Oxford, come home, day with the family.

14:22Lovely. Parent. Went to... Parent. Parent. Went to a lovely Grayson Perry exhibition at the Civic Museum in Exeter. Was that part of the parenting or solo? That was part of the parenting. What, poor kids. With my daughter. Yeah. She liked... She enjoyed the tapestries. She's into sewing. No, it's fair enough. Then we went for lunch on a boat, which was fun. Yep. Watched Ronnie O'Sullivan in the evening. Enjoyed that. What do you mean watched him? Today, me and Rose watch the snooker in the evening. Or should I say I put the snooker on and Rose quite enjoys the snooker. What does Rose do when you watch the snooker?

14:57She likes Ronnie. She does like Ronnie. So she'll watch Ronnie perform? She loves it. She actually, she said to me, she thinks snooker's her second sport after tennis. Right, okay. Is she actually watching it or has she got a phone out or a book? She's not purely eyes on the snooker. No, she was watching it, yeah. We were watching the snooker together. Are you just chatting about snooker or just life and love? Life and love. I'd never have Rose Downer as a, like, actually watching snooker. We were discussing if anyone on earth doesn't like Ronnie O'Sullivan and what would have to be wrong with them to not like Ronnie O'Sullivan.

15:32I don't agree with that. I think he's – I can imagine people find him quite abrasive and arrogant. I love him for it. Yeah, I love him for it. But we were kind of saying I don't think someone who didn't like Ronnie O'Sullivan is our kind of person. Oh, you couldn't understand why they wouldn't? No, yeah, yeah. It's more like everyone I like will like Ronnie O'Sullivan. Okay, cool. That's good. Yeah, you like Ronnie O'Sullivan, don't you? I love him. Can't get enough of him. Yeah, yeah. But I could see why someone wouldn't. Two-hour record here, Rob. Then on the 12.15 to London where I'm doing a photo shoot.

16:01What are you doing a photo shoot for today? I'm doing a photo shoot with the photographer Rankin today, Rob. With Rankin? Ian Rankin? No, Ian Rankin's the author. Rankin's a top-level photographer. What's Rankin? What's photo Rankin's name? He's done the Queen. he's done and he's taken photos of her as well oh that's a shame what are you doing a photo shoot with him what's it for it's just something you don't want to tell me isn't it what is it I don't know whether I can but we'll leave it in it's for McCain oven chips Rob

16:36then tomorrow Rob I've got an office run through for a show I can't believe how much busy your life's been even though I've been to China to do Kung Fu. I know. It's been a relaxing week. I then got Parenting Hell 8.30 to 10.30 the next day. At home on Zoom. Get the train to Leeds for the tour. Yeah. Then I'm coming down to London to do Parenting Hell all day. Then I've got a birthday party in the evening. And then I'm flying to Aberdeen.

17:11you're like a um you're more of a sort of like you're like a you're more of like a form of transport than a human so mental like a lorry being sent out because it's like oh i could just stay in london on tuesday but then i'm away to the following window i just wanted do you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah uh fly to aberdeen yeah stay in aberdeen then drive to edinburgh Gig Drive to Glasgow Gig Drive back up To fucking Inverness Gig Which is in the wrong direction Oh So you're doing Inverness last In Inverness They're always arguing over Who's got bridges And who haven't got bridges And in that area Because Having bridges No Because there's loads of different Isolated villages All around the area And some people have to drive While out their way To go round and use a bridge To get over all the different water And lakes and stuff Locks So that If a bridge is shut It really fucks them up And they're always arguing We need to And if it's announced that someone gets a bridge, they'll kick up going, we need the bridge.

18:06Right, right. So if you want to have an argument about bridges. I will. Where would you go after Inverness, Rob? Oh, okay. Maybe you could do the little islands of Scotland or maybe... Birmingham, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a nice little drive. Let's go to Birmingham. Next night? Yep, the 9.39 from Glasgow Central to Birmingham. Flight or train? Train. So you're driving back from Inverness back to Glasgow? Yeah. That's a good couple of hours, isn't it? Yep. Yep. Okay. Then Milton Keynes. I'm so long at this point. You're away for ages. So long. And then I go home. I've not seen my kids. We shouldn't be doing it.

18:44We need to rename this podcast at the moment. Rob, it's so bad. Like, I'm getting message. Like, this is the first time I felt like my kids are genuinely gutted when I go away. Because previously it's been bits and bobs. Do you know what I mean? And they're too young to really know. But now they're like, what do you mean you're not going to be here? And I should underline also that it's like much worse for Rose. Because it's fucking rubbish for Rose at the moment. She's basically solo parenting the whole time while I'm on the phone telling her that I'm stressed because I've got to sleep on a sofa in Oxford.

19:24Do you know what I mean? It's exactly the same for Lou. I said to me, I should do the podcast this week. I went, you should. I went, send me a voice note. the light, you know, we can play of what's happened. And then she didn't come out to it. She said, she just sent a six minute voice note. It's a mini pod. It's a mini pod. I've sent it to Michael to have a listen over. He's either going to edit it up and put it on the show or Lou might need some sort of intervention. Yeah. Well, Michael, for the visualised pod, could you like use technology to have Lou's face so it looks like she's talking? So it's not just me and Rob listening to the, could you AI it so Lou's in the room?

20:01I think that's going to be a straight no. So I've listened to Lou's voice note and apologies to Lou, but it's quite intense.

20:16This episode is brought to you by Specsavers. Now, Rob, one of the amazing things about having kids is getting to enjoy how they see the world, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It's this strange world they live in, Rob, where everything's kind of infinite, anything could exist, but also is tiny in that the people they know are the only people they know. And do you know what they love? A muddy puddle. Oh, they love a muddy puddle. As an adult, you're like... Not interested. No, dirty shoes. But let's put wellies on and get dirty and then just have a shower. It's fun getting dirty and jumping in mud. I know.

20:46There's so many things they like doing. Do you know what? If someone said to me, do you want to roll down that grassy hill? I'd think no. No. But they love it. They do love it. They absolutely love it, Rob. Thing is, though, Rob, around one in five children have undiagnosed sight conditions. And that can get in the way of seeing all that wonder. One in five, really? Genuinely, one in five, Rob. And being able to see clearly is key to their development, helping them explore the world around them and connect with others. Got you. So if catching those issues early can make a huge difference, it's good news that Specsavers experts can help.

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23:07It's so mental. And the second half of my year is going to be so different. This tour, this is the first time it's got properly grueling. Well, I did do some parenting stuff that we can go into. Go on. Before I went to China, I went on a school trip. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. To the Chisellhurst Caves. Do you know what? That's the first time I've heard of them. You've never heard of them? Well, the Chisellhurst Caves. No, I haven't, no. So what happened in the Chisellhurst Caves? Well, they're doing geology. So they're looking at different types of rocks and all that kind of stuff and geology stuff.

23:45I don't know what geology is, but I was on the trip. No, it's just stones, isn't it? Well, because basically the caves was like, I think like a chalk and flint mine, but also was built in like the Middle Ages by Druids. The Romans were down there. And then in the First World War, it was used for like ammunitions. In the Second World War, they used it as bunkers for like the Blitz and stuff. Because that area got bombed a little bit, because it was sort of South London into Kent, and there was an airport, Big Inhill Airport nearby. So they'd hide under there. Interesting And then it also In the 70s Had gigs down there Rolling Stones And David Bowie What And Jimi Hendrix Played gigs in these caves Wow Yeah It's amazing isn't it Wow So it's brilliant Because they went in there And saw all the rocks But also there's always Some other cool stuff And they've got like Yeah Mannequins and figures set up To be like This is where the beds Would have been This was the hospital part During the war And stuff like that And the guy that was running it Was very passionate About his job Yeah but he was very particular about how he did it.