S12 EP37: A Room With No Window

19:59They saw you coming. Well, I thought I'm going to get that as a little present to me for the end of the tour. Right. And I've got these footballs for the World Cup. That's perfect bit of Bobby B little present to himself. Anyway, sells out on Adidas straight away. All gone. Straight up on eBay. They're going for like 800 quid, a thousand pounds.

20:15Josh Widdicombe:Fucking hell. People are absolute wankers. Yeah. And the same thing happened with that. You know, the Adidas trainer that was really fast for the marathon. That's done that as well. They was on sale for like 400 quid and they've all been bought. Now they're going for a thousand. Anyway, I thought, oh, you bastards. But I'm not doing that. If they're gone, they're gone. Anyway, so they all sold out. Anyway, I'm in America, yeah, when after I went to go and watch the golf, when I watched the Masters. For you and Romesh? No, we were in Florida, basically on holiday, and then my friend was going to the Masters on the 40th, and the ticket became available so I could do a quick hour internal flight to go and watch it.

20:54I just moved my flight home back. So I managed to do that. It was really lucky. great experience and it's brilliant left Lou to do the the flight home left Lou to fly alone with the kids best not get bogged down I've got enough dad guilt going on at the moment let's leave that other days I'd have

21:09Josh Widdicombe:really gone for that but today I feel like I cried listening to Gabrielle driving to here today just so you know what you're dealing with okay slightly emotional guy on the edge feel a bit overwhelmed so I didn't have a big bag went to the Masters bought some shirts and jumpers and hats and stuff like that so much so I didn't have enough stuff so Lou told me about a thing called Instacart. So in America, Instacart is all the shops that are near you. It's like Uber or Deliveroo. But if you need a product, someone will get the product for you and drop it off to you. So you just pay for it. So I went on this Dick's Sporting Goods, yeah, because I needed a duffel bag to bring home my stuff because I didn't have a big enough bag to bring everything back.

21:50So rather than get an Uber out to the shop and back again, you just pay for it.

21:53Josh Widdicombe:It's a good idea, and I'm surprised it isn't here. Yeah, I think it's easier to do in America because I've got massive car parks and big shops. But Lou is all over Instacart. I thought, this is brilliant. Anyway, as I'm scrolling through Dick's Sporting Goods, what pops up for$200? Oh, the footballs. The footballs. Okay? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, my God. I'll get four. I'll get four and I'll quadruple my money on eBay. I did think, oh, my God, they're going for like nearly a grand and they're$200 here. I went, I'll get them and I'll get a suitcase. I'm getting a suitcase anyway, so I'll just put them in the suit because I've got loads of stuff.

22:28How big are they? Well, I order it. And at this point, I'm with all the other lads. I'm like, we should all get one because, like, if you don't even want it, you can sell it if you want to be a scalper. Anyway, so I order it. Turns up it is fucking massive. Now in America, we're sat there. Also, I've been in a pub already for five hours, a pub called Twin Peaks, which is basically hooters, just sort of barmaids with, like, low-cut tops on serving beer. So we've been in there all day watching, like, the football, all sorts. Let me send you a photo of how big this thing is, okay? Right. I'll explain why there's two in a minute.

23:13Right. Have you got that photo, Josh? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, they're big. Actually, the dimensions are bigger than the biggest suitcase you can buy. Well, there's two there. Right, so there's two. Let me hear it. So we've seen them. Mine turns up at the pub because of Instacart. So you imagine you're like eight pints deep and a load of footballs turn up at the pub, right? So I've got it. We're all pissing ourselves laughing because this is massive, right? So I'm thinking, oh, well, what I can try and do is ship it home or something. Yeah, that's what I'd think. Or bubble wrap it and put it in oversized luggage.

23:42Right. I'm thinking that. Anyway, another bloke in the group sees it and knows he's wanted them before, knows how expensive they are if you resale them. I'm getting some as well. So he drunk and he orders it as well from Instacart. Okay. Yeah. His turn up, no balls in it. What?

24:02We're in a pub. He opens it, goes to look at it and it goes, there's no balls. That is mental. So either someone stole the balls or they've been put out on display, but he's basically ordered this thing that's turned up with no balls in.

24:15Josh Widdicombe:What do you do in that situation? That's a nightmare because you've got it on Instacart. are you really going to go to Dick's Sporting Goods? Yeah. Did he? Well, because he rung Dick's Sporting Goods and they went, I'll bring it back and we'll refund you. Yeah. So anyway, what we do is, and then at this moment, while we're trying to work out what to do, I'm like, well, I've got mine. I'll just bubble wrap it. We find out that the balls are now available in the UK on normal Adidas for the same price. Oh my God. Take them both back. Exactly. So we try to take them both back to get our money back.

24:48We get in there. He's on one till, I'm on the other. I can't get my money back because it's Instacart, only store credit. Oh, my God. So now I'm in Dick's Sporting Goods, 5 o 'clock on a Saturday, shit-faced, with$200 of store credit, right? So I'm going round, and I end up getting the bag I need because I need a bag, right, and all this other stuff. So you haven't bought that yet? No, I haven't bought that yet because I thought I want to see how many balls are so I can get – yeah. So now I'm trying to get a bag. Then I see him trying to buy stuff. Anyway, so he's buying stuff because I'm like, oh, he's probably having to spend his store credit.

25:21Anyway, so I buy some gift for the kids, get some actual clothes I need for sport stuff. I'll just do that now and get it. Yeah, fine. So anyway, I'll buy that. As we're leaving, I was like, oh, did they make you do store credit? He went, no, they gave me a full refund. Well, why the fuck were you buying stuff? He went, oh, I just wanted a top. I was like, oh, I could have got you to the top and you could have given me the money.

25:42So we go back to the pub and we all go. Have you got these balls? Let me finish the story. We get back to the pub. Between going to Dick's Sporting Goods and coming back and giving them back and me having to spend the store credit, they're sold out on the UK website. Oh, my God. Why didn't you buy them on the way? I don't know. I just thought they were back in stock, but they're so popular.

26:03Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my God. Are they back now? Well, in the end, I had to buy them from Spain. What? They were available on a Spanish website, and I just paid£40 delivery to get them. Adidas World Cup ball set Oh they are small aren't they Yeah the little ones Oh my god Rob And have they arrived Yeah I've got them Do you want to see them or not Yeah of course Sorry I was just looking at Whether I could buy some Give me It's like a disease Everyone's addicted to buying them Hang on

26:37See my balls Oh my god

26:39Josh Widdicombe:What are you going to do with it TPRPs Put it up on On a presentation box I don't know but look So are you going to keep them in the box? I don't know, mate. I've only just got them. This first time I've looked at them, I've never even checked if they're all there. I don't know whether you're going to get£200 worth of joy out of this. Oh, fuck. Oh, God, you've caught your... I've got the headphone on. Let me just put them away. I don't want to ruin it. I've got the balls. I've been wanting these for ages. Right. But, yeah, I don't... That knows what I'm going to do with them. I don't know. I'm just pathetic, aren't I?

27:13just got some sort of problem when it comes to football shirts and football stuff. What's going on with the plant behind it? The plant behind me is dead. Because I've not been here. That's it. Yeah.

27:29Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fucking disgrace. Look at that. That is right in the bin. Do you reckon that's rescuable? A couple of green bits on it. I don't know. For the people that are on audio, Rob's got a dead plant behind it. I've got a dead plant, guys. At the moment, it looks like some sort of fucking weird bunker for some weird YouTube. Well, basically why I am, isn't it? Weird bunker for some mad podcast wanker. We haven't got a kitchen at the moment, Rob. Are you still sleeping on the floor? Well, I'm never here, so it doesn't really matter. But when you are, what's the sit? I got to a hotel in London on Monday.

28:13Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. And I thought this, I don't think you can do this to people. They were like, your room, it's 010. I was like, all right, what floor is that then? They were like, it's in the basement. No. I went down there, opened the door. I thought it'd be like, you know, when in a London house, when you have the cutout, so the basement has got light. Yes, yeah. It had a square pretend window with electric light, making it look like light was coming in from outside. That's insane. I was like, I instantly started to feel, I was like, I can't be in here. No. This is making me really, I feel like I'm fucking locked up.

28:56Josh Widdicombe:I can't just go to bed not knowing when the light's coming in the window. Do you know what I mean? Well, is the light set on a timer then? Have you got a photo of the room? Oh, I didn't stay. Yeah, I can show you the light. You just left the room. Did they change room? I said I can't sleep in there because there's no natural light, which I think surely that's not the first time that's happened. Well, I thought you can't, if you're a renter, you can't say something to a bedroom unless it's got a window because that is a cupboard, isn't it? Yeah, it's just so weird. Right, so I'll show you the light.

29:32Josh Widdicombe:Send me your window. Send me your windowless room. I'll send you the window. oh sorry oh my god josh that's not something from a horror film so that's like a fake sort of light in a window like a window but light box on a wall with a curtain imagine being that fucking fitter putting a curtain up over a fake window i know that's not that's gaslighting you into thinking a cupboard's a bedroom i know and so i was like have you got another room please and they were like well we've only got a twin room i was like yeah fine i'd rather of course i'll take that because I'll be able to see and hear the street.

30:08Josh Widdicombe:Was this London? Like a human being. Yeah, it was in London. Did you book it yourself for something? Or was it a tour one? It was paid for by the thing I was doing there. Right. And so there was three options. I said, can I get a hotel in this area with a gym? I got sent three options. Obviously, I didn't check whether one of them was going to try and give me a basement hotel room. so I was just like oh that one looks good fine it looked good and then I was in the basement I mean it was fine once I was in the twin room although you're sleeping on a single bed is quite a weird experience I told you that at that time when I tried to book a hotel room and I got to the booking through booking.com there's like there's no room here so I just walk around the streets of Soho trying to find a hotel room I must have told you that was ages ago horrendous but yeah anyway so why did I say that you said what you still oh we haven't got a kitchen yes what no kitchen and you're sleeping and you're still sleeping on the floor well one night out of seven at the moment yeah yeah have they got bedrooms yet the kids are they out no no so we're in it we're in a real you i swear i have not spoken to you and you've been in a constant situation of sleeping and house for what feels like three years i think that's true because you had all this just before you did the kitchen at your old house yeah and my son now refers to my bed as his bed do you think that once you're done here with the house and it's all done will because rose's love and passion is interior design no no because she's doing it for a job so it's fine we literally wanted to leave no no no but yeah i know that i know that but no not but i'm saying once you've got to change this we'll change this again because no in a way it's the equivalent it's hard for interior designers because they are in a house all the time, right?

31:57Their own one as well as going to work. So it would be the equivalent of you sat in a comedy club for the rest of your life but never getting on stage just for five minutes.

32:05Josh Widdicombe:If you told me to sit in a comedy club for an hour, I'd go, please don't. I don't think I'll ever go to watch a comedy club again. I don't think you like comedy. Well, no, I used to love it. And I do love, but I don't watch it. I never watch comedy. Do you watch comedy? Um, not when I'm doing my tour because I'm worried I'll get too influenced and like those ideas will seep in, but in between tours, I watch a lot of comedy. Yeah. See, I've just, I just don't find it relaxing anymore. So I don't watch comedy. I enjoy doing it and I enjoy all the other things I do, but then there's other things I do where I would.

32:46Josh Widdicombe:So I do listen to podcasts and I do listen to the radio, but I don't really watch comedy on TV. You watch entertainment TV and documentaries and stuff, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Strictly with the kids and all that. I watch Strictly or Traitors or all those things. What I'm saying is, though, maybe that's not a great analogy for you, but it's like if you are in a room, your brain will always go, if I did this, I did that, I'll improve that and I can do that. That is just how you're programmed as your passion, isn't it? It must be hard. I can see your point, but I don't think it'll happen. Because we've also got various things, which – so we've still got the garage to do.

33:24Josh Widdicombe:We're not doing that at the moment. Yeah, but the danger is by the time you've done that, you'll start again on the thing you did first. No. I just think that must be so hard if that is your job, to be in a house and not con... Lou does it because she's like, oh, I wish I did this or do that. And, you know, it must be so difficult not to. Yeah, well, yeah. Shall we go back to how you let Lou fly home from America on her own?

33:49She's a good woman. Real good woman.

33:55and now for a special part of today's show what's the big idea where josh and i will pitch each other

34:01Josh Widdicombe:our new business ideas and it's brought to you by tesco mobile happy to be your second favorite network right josh we love a small business hence our small business shout out section but who's got the best business idea okay i've got an idea for you rob i've always thought this people always going out for coffee yeah hot drinks yeah what do you drink more than anything at home water yes it's a water bar a water bar primarily it does the best waters do you know what would be good though if you did water tasting so you could try the different ones try the different waters what's that tap what's that tap what's that bottled i think you might need a bit more like of different like this is one from like a different country exactly and you'd have a water menu and you'd have all the different types of water and then you could have flavoured ice.

34:49Josh Widdicombe:But you're flavouring the ice but not the water. They're subtle flavours. Could I get water with a cucumber ice cube in it, please? OK, yeah, that's fun. How much are you charging for your water? £10 of class. £10 of class. That's why it's such a good business. Because a lot of the water, here's the catch, I'm just pouring out the tap out bag. Well, I think if you put it that high, people go, it must be good water. Exactly. do you know there is a business thing i saw where um this is with wine yeah if you increase the price of wine it sells more because people think it's better so that's what i'm doing with my water 10 pound of glass 10 pound so if there's a 10 cup tasting menu it's 100 pounds a head yeah and it's called hydrate is my place can you hydrate is my place it wasn't called that but it is now hydrate is my place yeah hydrate is my place yeah hydrate palace hydrate palace do you know what my invention is for a new business idea what a car that the wheels completely turn so you just slide into spaces that's a really good idea you'll never have to reverse sort of park in again idea you just goes and just sort of slide in and out i've got a good business idea go on it's a pill that you take when your hair is exactly the length you like it and it stays the same forever stays the same i love it but you you only take you take it one a day then when you stop the pills it grow out so you're not stuck with it forever but every day you take it your hair never dry your hair remains the same yeah that's great i've got an idea for a business yeah hamsters but they're like three foot eye so they're not all good ideas that's what no i'm saying or like a tiny giraffe so like some you don't invest in everything imagine if you could have a pet and a giraffe and it's as high as your knee yeah i would like that you would imagine if i just knock it around yeah that is good that'd be a good business idea what kind of business one do you think you'd be but i think really to be a good business um you need to take no nonsense you know i'm too desperate to be liked to be a good businessman yeah i'm the same i'm a bit like i'd rather just be nice yeah i don't go home having had an argument with someone because they wouldn't meet me at 17 look out for those great business ideas coming to you soon or maybe not look it takes a long time to research and development to get these things off you know exactly but you know I think there's legs in that car.

37:07Josh Widdicombe:Everyone knows Tesco Mobile can give you a great business contract, but we also know that when it comes to running your business, it's your friends and family that matter most. And that's why they're happy to be your second favourite network. For business deals and terms, visit tescomobile.com slash business.

37:29Anyway, should we do a bit of correspondence? Or has it got anything else? Why not? What have I got on my notes? Oh, so one of the blokes I went on the golf trip with, he got a tattoo at 12.

37:40Josh Widdicombe:He got a tattoo at 12? Of a bulldog holding a Union Jack on holiday with his dad. What? What kind of people are you holidaying with, Rob? A cross-section of society. Exactly the kind of people people imagine you holiday with.

38:03Josh Widdicombe:oh god i quite like the idea of tats you've already got greg davis tattooed on you yeah i've already got that on my foot well i've got that tattoo with my eye with that like stoic sort of principle but like the problem is it just becomes your arm so it was really helpful the first six months and very inspiring i was like yeah that's yeah i've got to remember that But now it's just like looking at a thumb. Well, that's the same with interior design, isn't it, Rob? I remember like, it was like when you're a kid and you do it, you change your bedroom round. Yeah, or move the sofas in the front room.

38:34Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was so exciting. And then you just get used to it. And actually, the weird thing is, nice things in your house are completely wasted on you because you are the one person that doesn't notice them. You need to bring people around. Those little mini footballs, Rob. Yeah. The moment you put them on display, within a month, you won't even be able to see them anymore. Yeah. It would just be the thing on the wall. It'd just be the thing on the wall. And balls I never kick. What a sad life for a ball. Yeah. You need to be constantly changing stuff to see it. It's getting really philosophical.

39:07Josh Widdicombe:You're like, it's like, go on, it's like Jake Humphrey. Go on, give it to me. When you look in the mirror, all you see is changed. So you'd see a spot or you'd see, you know, oh, my hair's too long or whatever, but you don't, You can't even see your face anymore, if that makes sense. No, it doesn't.

39:30I'm still trying to work out why my tattoos are interior design. Because you can't see it anymore.

39:35Josh Widdicombe:Because you've got used to it. Do you know what I mean? It's part of your body. So you're saying that Rose can't see how good the house is. She only sees the floors. That's why she constantly keeps changing it. No, no, no. I'm not saying floors. Well, literally the floors aren't. There's no floors in the floors. Well, there won't be. Are you changing the floors? Oh, yeah. We haven't got any floor in the kitchen at the moment. no what floor are you going for um tiles yeah probably in it can't go carpet have you ever seen carpet in the kitchen yeah exactly yeah yeah carpet in the bathroom's mental it must be oh my god a little carpet around the toilet what the fuck are you doing no i don't mind that if if it's loose because then you can wash it oh but it's a piss carpet it's a piss carpet it's only there to gather up piss what do you see when you look in the mirror josh well just just nothing nothing because nothing's changed well i just go oh there's some lines there or i go you know oh god you missed a bit shaving that kind of thing what do you see what do i see when looking in the mirror i see i well it depends it changes on how i am but i can i can tell how i feel from my eyes if you look back at photos i don't know if you ever do that you can i can see in my eyes if I'm in a good place or not in that photo oh wow the eyes the giveaway yeah okay small business shout out yeah hello Bobby Beckett Joshie Witty and Michael please can you give a small business shout out to my brother-in-law who has just opened an independent record shop in Hitchin Hertfordshire JP's Vinyl he quit his job as a bar manager just before Christmas to pursue his dreams in opening a record shop.

41:13He stocks a variety of different genres from brand new to secondhand vinyls, as well as vintage t-shirts and tote bags. The shop is open Wednesday to Saturday and is located on Walsworth Road underneath Ronan's coffee shop Hitchin. Me and my fiance are huge fans of you both. Oh, that's not, this is, I don't like that. This kind of attitude here. What's this? Well, in brackets, Rob a bit more, which I don't, I don't agree with that.

41:41Josh Widdicombe:I'm happy with that. I think you should keep that to yourself, Rachel, trying to be edgy. Well, also, interestingly, you'd think someone that opened a vinyl shop would be more of a team with us. Yeah, exactly. We listened to the pod religiously, despite being childless, say sexy and relatable, always, lots love Rachel. I think they should do that for a bit of bants, I don't think. I don't mind it, Rob. I don't mind it. I think everyone's got to have a favourite. Yeah, no one's 50-50 down the line. It swings. I always preferred Paul Chuckle, and that's fine. To me or to you, who's your favourite?

42:15To me? To me, it was Barry. To you? To me, Barry.

42:21Josh Widdicombe:Right. Hi, former Petswood resident here, now relocated to Liverpool. My colleague's sister, Charlotte, and her husband, Dan, run Tommy Tumble Town, a children's role play centre in Backup, which is in the Rosendale Borough in Lancashire, which opened in April this year. The centre was created in memory of their son, Tommy, who passed away at age four after battling leukemia. Tommy had Down syndrome and loved Mr. Tumble. The centre is their way of keeping his memory alive and creating a place he would have loved. What makes it special? 11 mini role-play areas, supermarket, vet, fire station, hospital and more.

42:57Josh Widdicombe:Oh, wicked. Inclusive environment using Macatron sign language, classes including messy play, toddler football, baby massage, monthly SEN sessions. Despite amazing feedback, footfall has been slow and they're struggling many people simply don't know they exist it would really help if you could spread the word on the pod it would mean the world to the family if you could support this beautiful legacy for tommy amazing more info www.tommy-tumble.co.uk go to tommy-tumble.co.uk support that amazing thing where where is it lancashire or petswood Back up It's in Lancashire Everyone go to that That is a brilliant idea And a brilliant thing In their child's memory Tommy Tumble sounds like An old school comic Don't he?

43:44He does I used to prefer him To Clive Tumble Brilliant on the cruise ships He struggled in the Mainstream clubs But on the cruise ship You couldn't touch him Tommy Tumble Yeah Enjoyed this Josh Thank you very much For listening everyone We'll see you next time Thank you very much Bye