S12 EP39: We're sticking strictly to business

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0:39It's a tasty way to reclaim those family moments. There's kind on the wallet too. Oh, Rob, also, you get the after school meltdowns, don't you? Oh, they're hungry, they're tired, one wants to sit in the front, one wants to choose the music. Or, oh, you've brought the wrong snack, or you get home and they want to watch different things on TV. Josh, when the kids come out of school and they just throw their bags at you, say I'm hungry, arguing with each other about who sits where in the car. Oh, my word. It's full of. Couldn't agree more, Rob. And do you know what? When you find yourself in that situation, in my experience, there's no 3.30 meltdown that can't be calmed with a£5 serving of dough balls.

1:20For more info about what's included and how to redeem, visit pizzaexpress.com. Terms apply. hello you're listening to parent in hell with caleb say rob beckett rob beckett and say josh widdekombe josh widdekombe say hi hi how old are you how old are you no oh it's classic i'm 17 okay thank you caleb now josh it's our own fault we put the shout out before i'll be fun to get older children. I didn't remember this. So I said to Michael just now, why the fuck are all these people teenagers these days? And apparently we put a shout out for it. Which is quite good fun but actually now it's happening, it's just blokes going, Robert.

2:06And they sound older than me. Yeah. So that's Caleb. What's Caleb up to? High-usexy and relatable humans. This is my 17-year-old Caleb saying your names. As requested on the episode of Hal Crottendon. Don't remember it. Loved him and could relate to his story. I remember the Hal Crutton episode. I just don't remember the request. I love Hal Crutton. Yeah. I loved him. Can relate to his story of being a single parent and bringing up older kids. He was brilliant, guys. And he's a brilliant stand-up. So go and see him. I was definitely going to see Hal. Yeah. I'm a single mother of five children.

2:34Fucking hell. Ages between 23 and 13. Love listening to your podcast. Thank you for the laughs. Anna from Harrogate. Oh, well, well done, Anna. Because Lou and Rose are currently single mums.

2:50It's just sort of crept up on me, this not seeing my children. And I don't like it. Oh, it's awful. Nearly there. Anyway, all will be explained in the wash. Caleb. Who wanted to call our child Caleb if we had a boy? The things I think with Caleb are, it's an American name, right? Presumably. The guy from the Kings of Leon. That's my main reference with Caleb. So that 17-year-old would probably be about exactly right. 18, falling. That was Kings of Leon, that was. Yeah, they've kind of disappeared off a hill, haven't they? I love Kings of Leon. What's happened to them? No idea. They're amazing.

3:30No, but I like the name Caleb, but I didn't like it when Lou suggested it, but I like it now. I think my tastes have changed. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was too worried about him getting beaten up because of the school I went to. Yeah, what would you have called him? I liked Edward for a boy, Eddie. Eddie, yeah, Eddie Hearn. Eddie Beckett. Eddie Beckett. That's what I wanted for a boy, Edward Beckett. Well, there we go. Bit of Ted, Teddy. Then if you had two boys, Teddy and Caleb's quite a good name. I like that quote, Billy, William, Billy Beckett. It's a bit of Butlins, isn't it? Billy Beckett's a bit 1920s footballer, isn't it?

4:00And Billy Beckett's coming down the wing and he crosses it and they score! Wonderful crosshair from Billy Beckett. Yeah. Why did everyone sound like that? You could only have weird posh voices on broadcasting. Yeah, and was it the sound quality as well made them a bit higher? I don't know. It felt like they were always fast, didn't it? When I was on Radio 2, I'd still get abuse for my accent from some callers because it's a little bit more old school traditional. Or Radio 2's old school traditional. Radio 2's audience can be a little bit more, any BBC audience, especially radio, and Radio 4's even more.

4:33Oh, my word. My Radio 4 career was very brief. I think I've been on Radio 4. Let me find out if I've been on. I think I, oh, I did Just a Minute. That's good though, Just a Minute, isn't it? Yeah, and I like that one. I see clips come up on my Instagram of that one, jack d does and that's funny yes what's that called give us a clue give us a clue yeah that's funny yeah that's funny isn't it but really every time i hear comedy on radio four where it's a bit of stand-up and then there's a very polite audience i'd say my balls disappear inside my body on radio the sound of stand-up comedy on radio four well i can't do the sick radio four sitcoms where it's like, oh, yeah.

5:15Quiet, everyone. Nana's on the phone. And they go, hi, Nana. And then you hear, hello, love. Do you know where the cat is? Quiet, everyone. Nanny can't find the cat. Oh, God, yeah. She can't end the uncle. She's lost her pussy again. Not now, Graham. Do you know what? That's not bad, that pussy stuff. But they wouldn't do that at 6.30. No, that would be a bit much. So really for me, Radio 4, obviously I'd bite your hand off to do Desert Island Discs. But beyond that, I like the shipping forecast. That calms me. Yeah. No, it's... Sometimes I'll listen to that if I'm in a hotel room on my own. I prefer the panel shows on Radio 4 or the actual stand-up shows as opposed to the sitcoms.

6:00I'm just like, it's too much. Because you're just penned in with only being able to do jokes that you can't see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my face does a lot of the legwork. and your legs do a lot of the face work don't they absolutely i'm all over the place yeah should we do this correspondence shot sorry sorry i don't know why we discussed radio 4 you can more than happy to discuss radio 4 or any other comments you've got um i watched jay mcdonald in nashville the other day on channel 5 okay in a hotel room on your own no with lou because lou's going to nashville so we went let's watch that is lou recording a country album yeah that's she's she's gone off writing books now and she's uh performing a country album no jane mcdonald basically doesn't really like anywhere unless she sat down in the sun having a cup of tea and eating cake right okay yeah she went into this barbecue restaurant try the barbecue feud she obviously didn't eat any of it just sort of pushing it around a plate and then she sort of wears a cowboy hat and goes and sings in a bar at the end it's mad it's have you ever seen her show it's mental i've never seen jane mcdonald's show it's so engrossing it's watching someone and visit somewhere, but not wanting to do any of it.

7:05Well, when you've got a lot of time in hotels, Rob, you find yourself watching linear television. Yeah. And it's such a weird experience because you're suddenly going, well, I would never have watched this Michael Portillo's Great Japanese Railway Journeys, but here I am. I'm in. I want to see that. Yeah. We're going to do a train documentary, aren't we? Oh, no, I don't think so. You know, me and you and then me moaning a bit, but you're absolutely loving it because you're a train. I went on a bullet train in China. Oh, yeah. Six hours going 350 kilometres an hour. Went through Wuhan. Did you?

7:40Went through Wuhan. Thank God you're going 350 miles an hour. And that is the pitch. Sign it up now. Let's go and do it. Me and you. Right. Give us some correspondi. Here we go. We've not done correspondence for ages. This one says relationship role-playing. Okay. Okay. Did we ask couples to tell their stories of actually doing role-playing? Because I think we said we find it too awkward. I think we did. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Please keep me anonymous. I bet that's, yeah. We'll take that as read. Yeah. Is that part of the role play? We don't know who you are. OG listener, first time writing in.

8:12Just listen to the Valentine's episodes where you wanted some funny role play stories. This one is mine. My husband and I wanted to spice things up. Oh, no. So we brought a role play sex game where we rolled the dice for a suggestion. Oh, no. I mean, I get that in sex positions because the dice is the pervert, not the person. But the moment you're rolling the dice, you know, I'm no expert. Isn't it about, it's about flow state, Rob, isn't it? Intimacy being in the moment. It's about being lost in the moment, in the heat of passion. The connection of two soulmates, yeah. It's not about going, okay, I've rolled the dice, you're now a Parisian waiter.

9:00Pardon? That's French. That's more Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, we bought a role-play sex game where we rolled the dice for a suggestion. It said my husband had to pretend to be a shoe shop owner, and I was buying shoes. No, come on. No, count me out. Oh, no, no. How does that even... Let's do it now. Okay, who am I? Who do you want to be the husband or wife? I'll be buying some shoes. You'll buy some shoes? Oh, hello, madam. How can I help you today? I want to buy some shoes. Oh, what kind of shoes are you after? Leather. Leather? Yeah, most of the shoes are. keep talking you said it like that was sexy i was like yeah or leather okay and what what's it for is it work is it night out or a date well would you like to go back out in the stock room so i can show you what we've got yeah let's see what they did he said as he bent down to put the shoe on for size we both ended up in a fit of laughter um which understandable i stood up and caught the hill in the handle of the bottom drawer and went flying and smacked my head onto the wall and not myself unconscious.

10:01Oh my fucking God. And ended up with a trip to A &E. Oh my God. It was a very awkward convict hospital and safe to say, you didn't tell them, just say you're true. You're fucking nutcase. Yeah. They don't need to know that. Or just roll the dice and get hospital. And then he could just do the patching up. Don't have to leave the house. Yeah. It was very awkward convict hospital. Safe to say, we've sucked to safety of vanilla sex from now on. Thanks for keeping us laughing. I think role play is mental. Yeah. I just can't. Also, I don't feel like a shoe shop is that far from vanilla sex. Well, we still need stories from people that do it and explain how they do it and how it works and why they like it.

10:39What their favoured scenario is. Yeah, and give us a blow-by-blow account. No, not the sex bit, but like the lead-up. Because I imagine once you start having sex, are you still going like, oh, hurry up, because I've got to get back to the shop? Yeah, I suppose. Does it stop once you start having sex? Let me just feel if there's enough room at the end, that kind of stuff in the shoe. Oh, yeah. Have you got your toe in there? Yeah. Oh, God. Have you got a half size? I've got wide feet.

11:10Right. Oh, we've got some playground shagas. Should we save some of them? Let's give you one playground shag and then whet your appetite and you can send some more in. It's been a very blue star, hasn't it? It has, hasn't it? Do you want a long one or a short one? Oh, I'll be back in the shoe shop. I thought of a really funny sitcom idea where... Oh, to Radio 4. Well, it's an alternative reality where I get divorced from Lou and she takes all my money, right? And what's alternative about it?

11:43And I have to work like double, so I end up going on Celebs Go Dating and doing the voiceover of my own dates. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, that is fun. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I have a workplace shag a story. I've contemplated sharing for a while, so here goes. When I finished uni, I got my first proper job at a very well-known high street recruitment agency. Oh, okay. I was 22, keen professional and wildly unprepared for the level of office drama I was about to witness. I quickly became friends with a girl in my team. Let's call her Kelly. Mid-20s, gorgeous, hilarious, lived with her long-term boyfriend and treated life like it was one long party.

12:20Yeah. After a few months, she casually tells me she's developed a bit of a crush on our director. our happily married director, let's call him Dan. Naturally, instead of this being a passing thought like it would be for any normal person, they started an affair. Oh, Callie. And because I was her desk buddy, I got every single update whether I wanted it or not. Oh, no. As I was adjusting to the fact my workplace was basically a low-budget soap opera, she announced she's now flirting with the guy from the other office. Let's call him Matt. Within weeks, she's seen him too. So to recap, Kelly had a full-time job, a living boyfriend, a married director on the side, and now a bonus boyfriend from another branch.

13:03Oh, my God. Honestly, I was exhausted just hearing about her schedule. The real trouble started when director Dan began falling hopelessly in love with her, watching a senior suited mortgage-paying adult mope around. How old is Kelly? Do we know? Yeah, she's mid-20s. This guy or girl's only 22. Fair play. She's having fun. first job. So it was very weird watching a senior suited mortgage plan adult mow around like a year nine with a first crush. It was tragic. Oh no. It's very astute for a 22 year old to be fair. Then came the rainy morning that changed everything. I parked miles away to avoid paying for the city centre car park, walked 20 minutes in the rain and arrived looking like I'd swam to work.

13:47And there was Kelly, dry, glowing, breezing in from the management car park. Oh, because the management get their own space. Because Dan had let her park there. Oh, Dan. That was it. My villain origin story. I marched into his office, soaked, freezing and powered entirely by injustice and told him, look, your love life is none of my business. But the parking privileges are in the heat of my soggy rage. I also casually dropped that Kelly was seeing Matt from the other office. Oh, yes, please. Yes, please. Dan looked like I just unplugged him. That's a great turn of phrase. Dan looked like I just unplugged him.

14:29And then came the part I'd forgotten he didn't know. Matt wasn't just some random colleague. Oh, God. Matt was his brother. What? His close brother. I watched this man's entire emotional system shut down like a Windows 95 computer. Great writer. Who the fuck is this writer? This writer is incredible. Unbelievable. Anonymous. Might be writing for King Charles that we spoke about before. This is excellent. Please don't be anonymous. You should be writing. The next day he told me he didn't believe me, which honestly raised questions about how he'd become a director in the first place.

15:07One of the great writers. This is one of the great writers. This is one of the best emails we've ever had. Yeah. I said, fine, don't believe me. But if she turns up with that Rihanna CD, Matt bought her last week. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, my word. Now, this ages it perfectly as well. Imagine buying someone a CD. I fancy you here's a CD. A bit CD for my toast. Oh, lovely stuff. The writer of this email would discard that as a cheap pun because they're better than us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The following morning, Dan dragged me aside, pal as a ghost, and said he'd been out with Kelly the night before and she drove them in her car where she played the Rihanna CD on repeat, under my umbrella and all that jazz.

15:50He then proceeded to have a full existential crisis in the tiny office next to the toilets. Oh, my God. And that, gents, is how I learned that recruitment agency don't just hire staff. They actually cast reality TV shows. Matt, a fan of the show, and both of you say sexy and relatable, anonymous, if you will. Oh, my word. Thank you, guys. What a story. Any more workplace or playground shaggers, please send them in. Yeah, it's just awful the things people do to themselves. How do people get themselves in this position? Because it makes... Who's Dan? Dan, was it? Dan's the director. Starts shagging Kelly from the office.

16:24She starts shagging the bloke from the other branch. Difficult to say what the situation is with Matt because he's quite a ghost in the story. Kelly, there's a lot going on there. She's got a living boyfriend. She's shagging two blokes. She's obviously got some issues because she's got absolutely no loyalty. She doesn't trust and hence she can't be trusted. She's, I'd say something's happened in her upbringing that means that she's unable to maintain proper relationships. It's chaotic and she's basically fucking things up before other people fuck them up for her. So she's got a bit of control.

16:58She lives the thrill and she wants more and more. Can I say something? If I was 23, I'd love Kelly. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was working in an office, that's my kind of woman, Kelly. Where did you meet Lou? When I was about 23, in an office. Yeah, well, just, you know. It wasn't Kelly. Lou's a keeper. Lou's a good egg. And Dan, I'm going to say Dan, is... Trapped in a loveless marriage. Yeah, he's trapped in a loveless marriage. And for the first time, he feels a sense of feeling wanted and sexy and needed. And he can't believe it's happening. and he's chasing those feelings into an area that is a huge mistake.

17:41You're so grown up, Josh. And I thank Phoebe Roller-Bridge for the email. What a rotter.

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19:59No, I'm enjoying them. I like listening. Hello. Sometime in the early 70s, my uncle decided to buy a dinghy on a random impulse. Okay, yeah. He drove me, my brother, and our two cousins aged between four and ten to a nearby lake. Yeah. Put us in the boat, pushed us off into the water. We did manage to row some way across the lake before the inevitable happened and we all fell in. Oh, my word. So was it, did he put them out on his own? Or was he in it? He must have been in the boat with them. Yeah, yeah. Not wanting wet children on the leather seats of his BMW, he and my dad decided we should travel home in the boat tied to the top of the car.

20:35That is mental. That's not true. That car, that is, like Mr Bean, that's insane. Also, that's the point of leather. It's wiped clean, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, of course. They thought this would be okay as we had strict instructions to hang on to the ropes attached to the boat, to the car. I suppose you're in a boat, it's no different. I can still see my mum and aunt's faces as we pulled up to the house. Oh my God, that is incredible. Donna, age 678 months. Now - Bear in mind, Donna's about 55, so this is a long time ago. 70s this is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if it's local roads between a lake and like a house in the countryside where it's like a five-minute drive, the dad's probably thought, this will be a bit of a laugh, we'll go slow around the lanes, and it's a bit of fun.

21:19That is the only way. You can't be on like an A road. No, not going down the M4, surely. Well, because sometimes where our house is, we're set back a little bit from the main road. You see a boat go past with someone in it. We know you have to go down. It's not our drive, but you have to go down like an unmade road to get to where our house is. But the bin men and women don't come down our little road because it's too small. So you have to take them up to the main road that you can get down because it's narrow lanes. It's like a 10 second walk. But then what sometimes I do is I put all the cardboard on the roof of my car.

21:52Yeah, of course. and just drive it down and push it off. Yeah, that's all right. Which is a bit of fun. That's cardboard. You don't then sit your daughters on the cardboard. No, they're not in the cardboard. But I am thinking maybe I should because the 70s sound like they were more fun. Well, also, we all got through it and it was fine. Well, we didn't. We weren't alive. No, but our genetics got through it. Yeah, mentally, though, I've really noticed I had a female Uber driver the other day. Did you have a problem with that? Absolutely not. No, not at all. I'm always very aware as well that I try and make sure that I'm very, very friendly and normal because you're in a vulnerable situation just being in a car with a man as a woman.

22:30Yeah. And the same on a walk, actually. If I'm on like a walk in the countryside and there's a woman or late at night and there's a woman, I want to sort of go like, hey, I'm okay. I'm no threat. I'm a good guy. But I never know how to do that. I'd say that's quite threatening. Yeah, exactly. So I would love to know from the female listeners, if I get in the car and you're a female driver or if you're on a countryside walk and we're all alone or it's late at night, what would be helpful to show that we're good eggs and you're not in danger? Do you know what I mean? Don't say gobble, gobble. What me?

23:01I can't say gobble, gobble at people. You can't. No, no. I'm just late night, gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble. Or get in a car, gobble, gobble. So that would be good to know. Let us know what we should do. Yeah. No, but I was in the car and she pulled over to let a guy through. And certain, I hate old men, I've decided. Yeah. They're always looking for a fucking Barney. It was about four men that was in their 60s were like, she'd got over well, just huffing and puffing. And you could tell that the energy was woman driver. Where were they? Sorry. At a country lane, but she'd pulled over and the guy had loads of room.

23:32But he wanted her to reverse back and get into a space. But she'd come over with plenty of space. They were so angry in a car, like angry people in cars. Angry people in cars. It's the ultimate example of this isn't about the car. What's wrong in your life? Yes. It reminds me of when you was at the park and that bloke had a go at you on the equipment. What did you say to him? What's this really about? Yeah, when he said, you're doing this, you're doing that on the bars, and you went, what's this really about? Oh, God. Right, do you want another boomer pairing? Yeah, go on. Weird local town traditions, panicking in paradise.

24:08Well, let's have all three of those. Okay, weird local traditions. Hello, sexy Michael, and the other two. Long-time listener, despite having no kids, recently you guys spoke about tar barrels in devon correct when i grew up in this is where they carry tar on their back and set fire to it and stuff or treest mary well i grew up in hallerton in leicestershire and we have a weird one too every easter monday the entire village would gather along with everyone from the neighboring village medbourne in the street outside the church at which point the local vicar would throw hair pie as in the big rabbit Oh, right, sorry.

24:44Hair pie over everyone. And we would march up to a field and begin the bottle kicking. What? Where the two villages would compete in three rounds of basically rugby with 7 ,000 people. Yes, I've seen photos of this. The tri-line two miles apart, and instead of a ball, we have a beer keg. And no one's ever scored. Is this the same as that thing with a ball, you know, in that village where you just see them all fighting? Yeah, maybe that's the one I've seen, actually. I've seen something like this. I've never heard of this one. I think the one with the bulls is the one I've seen. Yeah, and they all end up in shop doors crushed.