S12 EP47: The Juggle Is Real

23:33Josh Widdicombe:phone downstairs? Good, very good. But I've been getting all of their stuff ready the night before because i've accepted i've got nothing in the morning yeah i just it takes me so long to wake up and so i'm just getting it all packed the night before i'd quite like this as a as an email in right what is your distance i want the shortest distance that people leave so we have a lot but your distance often we get up before alarm because the kids will wake up yeah how long are you leaving in the morning for to get ready to leave to get ready with your kids So I don't want anyone who's like, I haven't got kids.

24:10Josh Widdicombe:I'm in and out in 15 minutes. All right. So like what longest and shortest. So what's up between wake up to departure? So between wake up and departure, we're looking at, I'd say, an hour and 15 minutes. Yeah. So that's. But that is a very chill. That's exactly what we're leaving. And I think we could do it quicker. Yeah. We do have a buffer in that, which is unlike me. well you know we could i think i'm up at 6 45 and we leave the house at 8 it's a question for michael how long would he leave we could definitely do it quicker but that is a nice calm get ready in the morning where everyone eats and get i have a shower and michael how long would you need to leave if you're if you're getting up if you're leaving at eight what time you're setting your alarm i mean terrifyingly close to eight in most cases i effectively have a uniform now so probably 8 45 i don't have to worry about i don't have hair so i don't have to worry about 45 45 minutes 7 45 yeah we go back in time um yeah 7 7 45 i'd say 7 45 if i was in a hotel room and i was leaving at 8 a.m yeah yeah i would probably get up at 7 40 would you i'm leaving an hour still oh my god no wonder you're exhausted and tired i know i know who am i do you know what I've really woken up though.

25:32Josh Widdicombe:That extra hour sleep I had because you had to relocate this podcast. I feel much better now. Do you know what I am too? I'm your cowpole. You are my cowpole. You're having 7.5 milliliters of me injected into the back of your gob. Let me suck you down. Take this fucking paracetamol. Yeah. You bitch. Give me a little, what are they called? Syringe. My little syringe. Push it down my gullet. I'm going to stand myself upside down, insert the syringe, pull release and pump it into your little mouth. And I'm going to hungrily gobble it down. Gobble, gobble. Feeling better yet? Jits and butcher gum down yet?

26:13Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I'm feeling as good as I've ever felt. Anyway, next question. Go on. so have i told you my daughter's got so she's got an ipad right oh yeah and she's got the ability to i message me when i'm out yeah we i have that yeah so my daughter i was doing something last night i was out she messaged me um can i get minecraft yeah and i'm like i don't know i don't know what the you're at home with your mum i can't make this call now because i don't know I know that's one of those things where there's probably a simple, I don't know anything about it. Also, I think the first time they download an app, you want to be with them so you can double check all the privacy.

27:01You're not just approving it. You know, sometimes it's like one pound of top of vodka.

27:05Josh Widdicombe:That's why she's asking, because I have to approve, right? I've annoyingly set it up so that I'm the approval. Oh, no, we've got double approval. Right. It's a two-factor authorization approval system. No, no, is it? No, no. One can do it. Right, yeah. So obviously I'm straight on your friend of mine, Google Gemini. Canon eight-year-old at Minecraft. I think Minecraft's actually decent. Yeah, yeah, that's what it said. It said, yeah, that's good. It's better than Roblox. She's entering a competition where you have to design a school from the future on Minecraft or something. This is what was happening.

27:42Bloody burning ruins the way the bloody world's going. Oh, here we go, here we go, yeah. It would just be a chip that you put in your head and you have all knowledge. Exactly.

27:49Josh Widdicombe:and Rob will be fine because for once he won't get angry about the thought of school it'll be ideal um and she um so this morning she's she's on Minecraft and she goes oh dad you just press that button I was like looking at her over her shoulder she said press that button up or something down I've just pressed the button she just went down into the water and she was underwater and stuck and she couldn't get herself out now she was like what have you done and I thought oh my god I've become one of those dads that can't handle modern technology. So you drowned her. You drowned her avatar. Well, she didn't drown.

28:26Josh Widdicombe:She was, you know, they don't drown. You waterboarded her avatar. Yeah. She was under there for fucking ages as well. It's a nightmare. Fucking lungs on this fella. I've become like when my dad used to pick up the joystick backwards after I'd say, do you want to play? Do you know what I mean? Or lean to the left. And you're like, oh, fucking hell, granddad. This is embarrassing. That kind of feel. Yeah. I just like, oh God, that's me now. That's who I am. No, but you can change that. I mean, I still like computer games. Planet Zoo 2 is coming out soon, and I'm going to have that. Right, so what is that?

29:00Josh Widdicombe:Is that like SimCity for zoos? Zoos. Yeah, that sounds like one of your punchlines. Honestly, it was like SimCity for zoos. Yes, but be careful. You want to get the settings right, because my daughter accidentally had settings where other people could come and visit her world they could interact with her or talk to her but they could come and visit so people can come and you can show off your created world but she had a thing where you can put on it they're not allowed to tamper with the world or they can edit the world she left it open to be edited someone came into her world and poured lava over everything and just burn it all and just oh my god completely blitzed the whole what land she spent eight weeks building this and then she was so upset it was like she was like grieving a loss of something because i've known someone computer but she it's equivalent to you know building a den in the woods and someone setting it on fire and did she know who it was yeah oh yeah but it was some username so i can't remember what it's she'd she'd still remember but she's out she's at school it would be like something like you know baker get like and you couldn't do anything you couldn't like no it's gone oh my god that's heartbreaking oh my god so get make sure the settings are right because what happens is they update the app then you have to redo the settings that's the problem oh my god oh god start trying to keep an eel in your pocket mate oh rob it's all too much for me it's all too much it is too much this it really is i think it's because doing a tour show as your job right and you travel to little towns and you get into a routine of what you do once you're doing it actually becomes quite simple oh it really does because you're like i get there i have the same dinner yeah i do that i get back in the car i have my shreddies i know where i am with it i get home i do the school run and then i go again do you know what i mean yeah but like it's actually it's harder mentally i think sometimes to juggle normal parent life of get to that presentation do this oh my god what's that parent's name go here do that make sure there for that time like one of my daughters join a cricket club so i've got to wait for him to finish school get him there but i've got to make sure i've got her an outfit to wear for cricket in a bag but also we're going straight from the school to the crickets we're going to need some sort of lunch go make like dinner dinner thing and so it's just a constant change where just chuck me out of the stage and obviously i know that we moaned about touring but it's the travels the hard bit but it's not difficult it's just laborious it's not mentally challenged it's just like hard being away what would it be called it kind of infantilizes you it makes you that's why all footballers are a bit like yeah where's my passport because i've had it for 30 years totally you're totally looked after not completely like we're not not in the same way as being in a football team but no you know that i i often get the train to the venue but i i know how to get a train yeah yeah cool good job you do as well with your schedule even when i'm on the train without being crass yeah you know i'll go first class i'll train myself all right you work hard so someone's bringing me tea and someone's bringing me fizzy water so i'm even infantilized on the fucking train and then ali will pick me up from the station i'll get in the back of the van we'll get there i'll do the sound check which is 30 to 45 seconds and then that's all i've got to do for two hours and then i'll sit and i'll look at my phone and i'll eat the dinner that ali has gone and got and then i'll do the show and then i'll have the fucking cheek to be tired but it's to travel it's not the show and all that it's the traveling to doncaster then derby that's the that's the bit that's difficult not the actual gig the gig's the easy bit yeah exactly it's kind of switched from when we were in our 20s when we just go yeah i could be i would never get tired I can go anywhere.

32:57Josh Widdicombe:But the bit that's difficult is I'm shit at standup. Oh my God. Imagine if you were shit at standup, it'd be the worst job ever. Oh my God, it'd be awful. Cause it's quite challenging and I'm decent. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. At least I know I'm good at standup and a thousand people in that room want to see me. Cause sometimes I hear people moan and I go, God, it's so hard. I'm like, well, the standup bit is easy bit, mate. What's going on here? Maybe don't do it. Maybe do something else. You feel like being a writer. exactly exactly even though it's a bit of a challenge for this and i'm a bit here then everywhere i'm absolutely loving it because i feel very present and anchored into the girls lives and we're messing around listening to songs and laughing and playing silly games so i'm really enjoying sort of doing more parenting and being at home which is something i've wanted for a little while so that's good it's really good and i'm that's why i'm slightly annoyed to be ill because i was really looking but i've got next week off basically so just allow yourself to beal josh you've you've been non-stop also don't forget the pressure of a big announcement for strictly and all of the things that come with it and that week when it was being announced you were everywhere and then the world cup starts next week i'm so excited for the world cup i'm so i'm i cannot exist without sport i've realized when the season's over i've got nothing that anchors my week and i feel lost at sea do you know what it's interesting you say that because I've not been listening to talk sport.

34:22Josh Widdicombe:You've not been listening to talk sport. Oh my God, I thought you were less angry.

34:29Josh Widdicombe:I am not as into football as I was. I don't watch it that much, but I realised when the season ends, it's still my marker. It's still my thing I'm checking every night. Oh great, there's a football match. I can follow the score. And I'm still following it. It's still the soundtrack to my week. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. I feel so old and boring now. that is really the big excitement of my life is football. Yeah. You know, like last night, Lou's like here, the kids were in bed. I went downstairs and went, do you know what I'll do? I don't want to watch telly. I'm going to... Shag my laptop.

35:01Listen to a podcast. No. I'm going to listen to the podcast. Yeah, I went downstairs and went, do you know what I'm doing? I'm going to just get, fuck the letterbox. I'm just going to open it up and just stick my dick in it and rough ride it till the morning. No. I said, I'm going to listen to a podcast and do some Lego. I'm building a Jurassic Park Jeep. Okay? yeah and then this is out this and i just thought what has happened i'm only 40 right but i felt ancient i've got a bottle of fanta zero fruit twist it's my favorite fizzy drink yeah treat yourself yeah love it because good to put some real energy into you before bed well that's what i was thinking but it's zero sugar yeah yeah so i thought that but that's what i thought i thought oh should i have that because it might have a bit of and i'm like what it's zero sugar fucking hell Stephen Bartlett I'm having two glasses of Fanta and I feel like oh my god like this is too I was like I better not have a third out for three days I'd be having like eight pints a night four days a week when I worked in an office job I know it's mental it's mental absolutely pathetic anyway however though I do think getting early nights and you know not being drunk and a little bit less stress now you know I was at the school concert right Josh and this was the whole of the primary school.

36:16I'm looking around the room, all the parents. Okay. One parent walked in with Bluetooth headset on, with a laptop open mid-meeting, like just before, you know, like the 10 minutes before it starts, everyone's shuffling around and waiting like that. And he's plowing through some fucking serious business, right? Like literally, it looked like... Could he not just sit in the car? It looked like LinkedIn had come alive and generated into human form. Anyway, so I sat there, I looked around and said, And I said, Lou, I reckon I'm top 10 % of men here. Attractiveness. Fucking hell. Out of all the school dads, I think you're looking at a top 10%.

36:55Josh Widdicombe:So why do you go to such an ugly school, Rob?

37:03I looked around. I went, I'm in the top 10%. But I worked it out because I realised a lot of the other 10 % was made up of people in the same year when my kids in the same year which is like year three and year five yeah yeah because we're younger than people older in the school normally because you know you people have kids around the same time so we're a younger group which helps yeah yeah also the ones that are younger than us have got kids in reception they're still completely fucked because they've got like toddlers babies reception they're all over the place like well we're getting into a little bit of a groove before real aging sets in so we're hitting a bit of a sweet spot of we've got enough time to go to the gym but our bodies are still in a shape where we can go to the gym so i feel like i'm benefiting from that sweet spot but look i don't want to don't want to sound arrogant but i'd say i'm i'm in the top 10 percent of um of school dads well

37:56Josh Widdicombe:this is what i think rob i think this is interesting i i do think i probably look younger than a lot of others that is a i genetically do look quite young for some reason yeah also i think there is a lot of bald men at this school which really pumps you up the charts yeah exactly when you get to 40 you've got good air fucking hell it's great your top trump card really starts to pump up do you know what there's not many comedians of our our generation who are going bald great i'm in let's go for them i've never been more in since imagine this okay right so daro brian bald older than us different generation older than us yeah no good hair romesh unbelievable romesh looks like he's got all his hair a cast has got all his hair he's however a cast's hair is the same color as his face i don't know what's happened to him he looks like all of him's the same colour his face skin hair the lot I've never seen it I've never seen anyone's face like a Simpson he is the same colour all over it's remarkable but then you go through all of them Kevin Bridges is younger than us but he's got good hair even McIntyre's only a little bit older than us McIntyre's 50 he's got good hair and then you've got Ed Gamble's got all his hair Nish good hair Nish has got good hair Rhys James got good hair.

39:18Josh Widdicombe:He's a little bit younger than us. Rhys James has got good hair. Who else did we do? What are the other TV shows? Well, Jonathan Ross has got incredible hair. Unbelievable hair. I'm just trying to think. You're only really looking at Harry Hill and Dara, who've never had their hair. No. As far as I'm aware, they came into Comedy Bald. John Richardson's. John Richardson's fighting. He's fighting. He ain't going swimming to a windy clifftop. He's getting his hair dry. like sharpish. Well, Jimmy had a hair transplant, but he's, you know, 753. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't think you can factor in Jimmy when you're discussing like looks and age, because it's just, he's not, it's not applicable.

40:01Josh Widdicombe:No. His first gig was a jester at Hampton Court Palace. But yeah, no, there's not many bald comedians, is there? Really? So what's that all about? There you go. Andy Parsons was bald forever. Matt Lucas, obviously. Matt Lucas. Yeah. obviously there we go i don't know what that's all about don't know what that's all about i don't know what that's all about but let us know if you've got any thoughts on it why is there more bald men at the school gates than there is when i'm in a dressing room discuss is it it does can stress cause baldness but are we more or less stressed i think we're less stressed we are way less josh i was thinking about this the other day right i've been watching a lot of documentaries about bands that i liked when i was young yeah because now they've sort of either reformed or enough times past that they can talk to each other yeah and i was and i don't want to name names but and there was a few artists the good shoes documentary what's that the good shoes documentary what's the good shoes wasn't good shoes the band that you like no milburn milburn milburn no but i was just looking because there's loads of sort of bands that i like that like you know and there's people that jamie t hasn't done an album for a little while and stuff like that he was brilliant and i was just thinking oh my god like i'm so lucky to get to do what i do for a living and to have the career I've had when there's, you know, obviously I've worked hard and put effort in and I think I've got talent, but there's loads of people that worked hard, loads of people that got talent that didn't quite get as many lucky breaks that I may have got in my time.

41:25And I'm just so, I just sometimes think I'm so lucky to have this. Totally.

41:29Josh Widdicombe:Have you ever seen like an interview with someone who's got to the top of, or, you know, near the top of what they do and they go, all you've got to do is try hard and put in all the effort and make it your thing to follow your dream and it'll happen and i always think no it won't for most people it doesn't yeah your sample is one person who got lucky don't trick people into thinking everyone can do this because some we're incredibly lucky that we got through do you know what i mean yeah and that sounds negative but what i mean what i'm saying is not it won't happen what i'm saying is if it doesn't happen that's not because you didn't try hard enough no if it does happen that's not all because of you and if it doesn't happen that's not all because of you yeah totally totally and that's what frustrates me a little bit when i've been reading up on dyslexia since i got diagnosed is sometimes i always go which isn't easy well that's my point it's really hard no it is but there was a couple of books they have it in bigger print which does help different colors but um you panicked about that jay didn't you i did yeah considering we've talked about me putting my dick through a letterbox now you're panicking that you know if you're dissex you'll find it hard to read i mean that's fine you can do that joke but it's those jokes where you go oh it's a bit cheaper and is it you know it's the classic it's like when someone goes he's deaf and you go what it's that kind of joke it's good stuff in my opinion it's good stuff no because that's i had a joke in my show about it where i've got diagnosed dyslexic they send me a full report that i've never been able to read i've given up on it about 100 times but that they sometimes go with that oh but richard branson's dyslexic or so-and-so dyslexic i went yeah but that is the absolute minority most people that are dyslexic are in workplaces they find incredibly difficult and haven't really progressed as far as they could have because they didn't have the support they needed at that time or maybe didn't have the confidence to push themselves so let's stop telling everyone it's a superpower and you're really lucky because things do need to be changed and adjusted to accommodate the minority so that the minority becomes the majority you know well it's like when someone goes you know oh my son's autistic and someone go oh what are they brilliant at then and you're like it doesn't quite work like that it's not it's not just that there's lots going on here that's a real you know yeah it really affects a lot of a day to day life incredible drawing is he no what that's not

43:50Josh Widdicombe:okay now for a special part of the show the summer holiday survival guide go for it rob look we know it's tricky six weeks can be a lot but no fear rob and josh are here to help with a guide to help you get prepared as prepared as you can do you know what i mean we'll try our best this special segment with good intentions with good intentions this special segment is brought to you by monzo who make managing money with kids a little easier monzo's free kids account can help you and then get some structure into the summer holiday like scheduling pocket money to avoid the constant can i have some money asks and kids can set up their own pots for things they want to do over the summer holiday name their pots and add pictures it gets them a bit more involved too right rob What are the things your kids want money for in the summer holidays?

44:35They constantly want an ice cream at all times. Yeah, constantly. And they can add up. I think maybe my kids could have an ice cream pot, and then that way they've got – that's their budget for ice creams for the summer.

44:48Josh Widdicombe:And constant gift shops, Rob. Wherever we go, if there's a day out, can I get something from the gift shop? Can I get something from the gift shop? When are we leaving so I can go to the gift shop? Do you know what you can do, though, for your kids? You know, you've got the little garden set up that was the present from the grandparents. You can have a little pot for like flowers, money for flowers, money for equipment for the garden and stuff like that. And then it encourages them to do more. Do you know what? Summer is a long time, but it's a good way to teach them to budget, isn't it, Rob? So I say, here's your two pounds.

45:19Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. Use it as you want over the next six weeks. Well, what we've been doing, though, is making them learn about earning money. so there's um we got when we cut the grass we don't have i don't put the little thing on it that collects it i let it go on the floor and then they have to rake it oh there we go yeah what i've done is i've got my daughter to do my last three tour dates absolutely brilliant idea you can see pressure you can see you know responsibility exactly and from a distance if you put her in sort of like a you know completely average oxford shirt jeans and dirty pair of trainers from the back rows someone might go gosh josh does look smaller in real life and he is funnier in terms of the holidays rob what do you like to do that isn't you know costing the world do you know what i like this is a little hack i like to do is if you are about to like renovate something say you've got a bedroom that you're going to paint soon or there's a wall or a cupboard or you know you've got a bit of furniture i can't imagine that but yeah

46:21how is the kitchen what kitchen um i i let them draw on the walls yes because if they're going to be painted over anyway they feel so naughty so excited yeah so after a while it does look quite nice so like if there's something you know or that you've got an old bit of furniture we let them paint it in the garden or they can do what they want to it so stuff like that is is quite

46:40Josh Widdicombe:good fun if you have got a bit of renovating going on people overlook kids do love to help if there's a big job. Do you know, and you forget, it's easy to forget that. Yeah. They do want to help. They want to feel that grown up side of them. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Cooking's another good one, like baking or something. That's not that expensive, but it's a good activity. And then they've got the cake for a few days and all that kind of stuff. It's great. Definitely. Well, look, I hope we've been a help. I hope we've been some help. Good luck out there to all the parents on their summer holiday.

47:10Josh Widdicombe:You know, we are there with you. We are going through a very long summer with you. Monzo's award-winning kids' account. Search Monzo, download your new favourite bank. For children aged 6 to 15, parent or guardian account needed first. UK residents only. T's and C's apply. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, They help you find the coverage that fits your needs, so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride.

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48:26Josh Widdicombe:But yeah, so you've been watching a lot of documentaries. Oh yeah, and we've got it easy. We have got it easy. No, no, I haven't got it easy, because we've worked really hard and it's a challenge, but... But no, we have got it easier than, you know... No, but I just think sometimes you go, oh my God, there's so many people out there that are really talented and work hard that don't always get lucky breaks. I'm really lucky that I was one of the people that did kind of thing, which is, and also I'm at school, I'm one of the fit dads. Yeah, of course, of course you're one of the fit dads. Oh, this is something I want to talk about quickly before we move on.

48:55One, I didn't realise I've had my phone on dark mode for 10 years. What do you mean? Which is probably affecting why I'm squinting. You know, your phone, you can have light mode or dark mode. So dark mode is at night, it's slightly darker. so it's not so bright if you go to settings and display you got an iphone um yeah settings go to

49:15Josh Widdicombe:your this general and then display general is it on there this is fucking low for me isn't it i don't even know no no don't go to general go to display and brightness go back get out of general display and brightness yeah and then it should say no i'm in light mode i've got light mode i've got automatic Oh, so is that, you know, when someone sends you a picture and it's like their texts are in the dark? I don't really know. But so, see, see my phone, that's dark mode. It's all dark. I'm going to go into dark mode. Oh, you're in automatic. Yeah, I was, but it's just, but I've been in dark mode.

49:48Josh Widdicombe:I'm going light until sunset. I'm moving into automatic. I've done it. Fair enough. But I find it hard to read it. Oh, right. Yeah. But then I've realised, because when we were in that. That's because we're old and we don't understand technology, Rob. Have I mentioned this before as well? This has been annoying me. and I don't know it's because I've been doing a lot more school runs and I've been more tired because normally when Lou's home, she gets up earlier than me, gets more ready. I'm literally a cab driver. Yeah, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Yeah, exactly. Just doing what I should have been doing.

50:15You know, if it wasn't for Mickey Flanagan breaking through and then deciding not to do any work, that's what I would have been doing. And sometimes, you know, that a car lets you go. Yeah. And sometimes you go, oh, okay, let me go. Then it really annoys me if they sort of go, come on then, just like motion quickly going, I let you go. You've got to move quick. I'm like, no, no, no, no. Yeah. If you let me go, you let me go at my own pace. You're not now in charge of how I drive. Yeah.

50:38Josh Widdicombe:I'd say, Rob, your school run, not nearly as stressful as my old school run, which was unbearable. Yeah. But it does feel like, because you're driving and then they're just kind of jumping out. Yeah. It feels like there's a lot of stressful driving in your school run, around the school. It isn't that stressful, but it is 20 minutes of driving every morning. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's never normally like bad, bad traffic or, you know, sometimes at the roundabouts. But it feels like people are coming and going and da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, it's not like you just park up easy and have a nice walk in.

51:11It's like, yeah, so it is quite stressful, but the trade-off is living in the countryside.

51:16Josh Widdicombe:Oh, do you know what my nicest bit of the day is, Rob? This is... Your wank. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah, two can play that game, mate. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Do you know what? Two show, yeah. The crude retort. Yeah, exactly. Come on, come on, you little twee, whimsy little thing you like. And now I've just wanked all over it. Yeah, well, it is my wank, actually. You can drop in when you think I'm a wank in this. So I wake easier than Rose, right? And what wakes you? Just in general, you're just up early. Just angst about the world heating up and the fact that my children will be living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

51:49Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, that gets me horny too. No, what wakes me? Just that I'm better at getting up. Rose takes longer to get into the day. Yeah, we spoke about this before. We're like the opposite, aren't we, me, Lou? So I'll get up and I've got to feed the cats and make the tea. How are the kittens, by the way? Well, they're not kittens now, really. They're cats. That was good, aren't they? Can't they make little kittens that just ate kittens? Like a chihuahua, but the cats. I know, I know. But they are, you know, they're still purring away. How's Beryl as well? We haven't had a Beryl up there. Beryl? She eats outside because...

52:24Josh Widdicombe:Oh, alfresco. Well, no, in the shed. because we have to feed them separately because otherwise they'll steal her food. Oh, they're bullying Beryl. So the new cats are in, why aren't they out new cats in the shed and Beryl inside? Well, no, we have to put her food somewhere where they can't get to it. Got you. Right. So I feed the cats inside. How do the little cats, sorry, I'm getting really bogged down in this. How do the new cats know not to go in the shed? We just keep them out. But how does Beryl get in and out of the shed? Well, this is what I do, Rob. I get up, I feed the two cats in the house.

52:55Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. And then Beryl knows. So we walk together out of the house to the shed. Yeah. Open the door, feed Beryl. I have to close the door so the cats don't come in. Yep. And I just sit there for like three or four minutes and just watch Beryl eat.

53:15Josh Widdicombe:And that is a lovely, that's my favourite bit of the day. Oh, so I was going to try and. And that's when I have my wank. I was about to Stephen Bartlett optimize your morning, but I don't know if you want it optimized. I don't want it optimized. Because if you get, you could get an electronic cat flap that only responds to Beryl's microchip so that she can go in and out of there whenever she wants. That's a good idea, actually. And then you could have the food in there and then that way. That's a really good idea, yeah. And do you know how I knew about that idea? I didn't have three glasses of wine three days ago.

53:47Josh Widdicombe:Of course, of course. I'm podcasting well. Well, you've listened to the last 50 minutes, guys. you know that we're sober can i want to create a world where whatever it is stephen bartlett is doing has a different name to what this is because i don't want to be podcasting if that's podcasting well i thought and i'm not i'm not i'm not accusing stephen bartlett of when making that famous speech uh having been within the last 72 hours i've had a glass of wine but he used the word i podcasted and i don't think that's a real word i podcasted but badly Because really podcasting is existing, but with a microphone.

54:24Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I did a podcast badly. It's maybe the way I podcast. What have you done today? I podcasted. So when is he doing it well?

54:36Just as a frame of reference, I'd quite like to see him to clip up. This is me sober.

54:42Josh Widdicombe:Do you know what? It'd be a really good game would be for Stephen Bartlett to say one of these five podcasts was the post wine one. And then everyone has to guess. Everyone has to guess. Do you think now he gets a lot of grief and I don't want to jump on a pylon because after a while he is a human being, I could not enjoy his podcast, but I shouldn't, we shouldn't be jumping on him as a person. Yeah. You know, no matter how fun it may be. Yeah. But is he now, obviously he loves numbers, analytics. Yeah. Popularity. you know that's it that's what i like doing this because i like to just express myself have a laugh of a mate if people listen to listen if they don't they don't and i put it out there right i've never looked at the stats for any episode you've ever done and gone all that moment well let's do more of that i just well you know is there a phrase some i heard someone say this week if you're doing it for clicks that's not your art well exactly yeah so so this is this is my art but no but you know what i mean no it's true that's true that's not you're not expressing yourself if you're doing it for clicks and call it art or self-expression whatever you want to call it is he now at a point where he knows that rage bait sells is anything he's doing is he adding a bit of stank on it and we're playing checkers and he's playing chess and he's going if i say that everyone's going to jump on that everyone's going to clip it up because it the more people talk about you more people will go yeah what's this and then they start listening because yeah I don't think you've ever called ahead of time the wine thing happening in the way it did.

56:12No, but do you think he's done things like that before? Because even when he went, you know, because I looked at my whoop, hashtag spawn, hashtag ad, hashtag invest, you know, he's aware of that kind of kickback he's getting because he's gotten trouble before for promoting stuff. But now we're talking about him and we're one of the biggest podcasts in the country. Everyone's talking about him. He must, his business brain must go, this is good. Because the beauty of it is, is you can still listen to his show even if you dislike him because you're there for the guests. Yes. So he doesn't have to be necessarily likable.

56:40Josh Widdicombe:I don't think you do dislike Stephen Bartlett at all. No, I don't dislike him. I find his podcast a bit too heavy going for me. It's not for me because it's not how I live my life. I don't dislike him as a bloke. If anything, I feel like I want to put my arm around it and go, come on, mate, have a couple of glasses with me. I'll show you how to podcast well. Yeah. Mate, have you ever thought about not thinking about thumbnails? because i think obviously it does help people watch it but really how much extra is it bringing to your life yeah how much more do you know you're he's a billionaire anyway i presume he's maybe not a billionaire was it called the ceo of a billionaire was it i don't think he's a yeah he's got to be a millionaire yeah yeah you don't buy any clothes does he just wears black top yeah the black top's an interesting thing isn't it but michael's got a uniform did you hear that yeah i did i want to know is he is he a tech bro are we are we being fiddled by our own what is michael's uniform and also he's had to sit through us talk about bald men and he wasn't mentioned i'm very secure with my hairline don't worry oh yeah that's exactly the kind of thing someone would say that was too quick well it sounds like he's recorded that and played it out as he cries every time he says it it's been bubbling for 25 minutes um what was he gonna ask you what's your uniform well it's not really a uniform it's a joke my fiancee makes in that if i don't have time or if I don't want to think about it, it will just be black jeans, black t-shirt, and then some kind of jacket.

58:06Josh Widdicombe:Because it works in almost all scenarios. That's fair though. You go to the podcast expo or whatever it's called. What is it? What is the event? Shall we go? Well, the big podcast show I don't go to because it's the same time as Cannes Film Festival. Oh, there we go. Big show. Oh, good to know what your priorities are, mate. No one's wearing a fucking hoodie at Cannes Film Festival, are they? No wonder our thumbnails are shit. This fucker wants to be Spielberg.

58:33Josh Widdicombe:I'm just harvesting clicks, mate. This is not my art.

58:40Josh Widdicombe:Oh, dear. This is my art. Now, small business shout-out. Yeah. Talking of people who've followed their dreams to do their art. Hello, Rob, Josh, and Michael. Please can you do a small business shout-out for my new business venture, Beach Hut 72A Wells, next to the sea in North Norfolk. That's a really catchy name. North Norfolk though you remember that North Norfolk Digital recently refurbished to accommodate up to six on the beautiful sandy wells beach perfect for escaping the sun or rain with everything you could want for a perfect family day out including plenty of beach toys hammock deck chairs rugs games books hot water bottles blankets a gas stove complimentary tea coffee hot chocolate crockery and cutlery just bring food we are also on the dog friendly side of the beach so very welcome to bring dogs too we've got a dog bowl and dog treats provided single day hire available visit us on instagram at beach hut 72 a wells or see our listing on beachhuts.com thank you so much stay sexy relatable lauren gibson green this feels perfect for us rob can i eat a yogurt while you do this yeah during all the car naps over the last two and a half for years um keep going i just saw myself in the camera i look like a child eating like a delicious ella packet yeah um and thank you for both listening to this email with such joy my child passed away last year no i'm joking i'm joking i wanted to see you remove your yogurt

1:00:14Josh Widdicombe:i've never seen a yogurt disappear from shot so much

1:00:23Josh Widdicombe:I'm a bright red. I just didn't know what to do in my face. Yeah, anyway, sorry. I was toying with putting some on my tongue and going, er, when you were talking. Right, thanks for entertaining me during all the carn-ups over the last two and a half years. Please could you do a small business shout-out for my lovely friend, Laura, her husband, Ben, and her dad, Dave, who run Cricket Kids. Oh, what are the chances? I went and saw a dog play last week, Josh. Did you? Yeah. Cricket Kids is a weekly cricket club for two to six-year-olds. Two. Two's got to be mental, hasn't it? Well, the money and the IPL, you've got to get them started early.

1:01:01Josh Widdicombe:This is fucking gold in the hills. Project Tendulka. Project Tendulka. Currently running an Alcester in Warwickshire, with plans to expand to a few other locations in the Midlands soon. Cricket Kids provides a really fun and safe environment for little kids to get to grips with bowling and batting, as well as just doing funny silly games and getting them moving around to burn some of that toddler energy my son has loved his first half term and the coaches make it so fun catering to all abilities in the class for more info people can follow at cricket kids uk on instagram or email hello at cricket hyphen kids.co.uk thanks alex 379 months old oh was that the end of it yeah sorry cut off i did start looking at my text messages i was the yogurt the other no I got a message.

1:01:48Sorry. So I'm just default parenting actually at the moment. I don't know if you know. I know. Yeah, of course. Of course. It's a bit of a, you know, the juggle is real. The juggle is real, The juggle is real. Right.

1:02:02Josh Widdicombe:Josh, I'll see you next time. See you next time. You feel better. You're better than you were at the start. I feel much better. Do you know what? I think we could do another episode. I'm going to get, I'm going to get a cup of tea. See you next week. Bye.

1:02:17Josh Widdicombe:Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic.